Grass Daddies Podcast - Grass Daddies Podcast Episode 1: "Humble Beginnings"

Episode Date: July 30, 2023

Welcome to the Grass Daddies Podcast where even we don't know what we are going to talk about! This first episode was a little rough audio wise because we are still trying to figure out our duel mic system, but dont worry, I will not rest until this situation is rectified. Anyways we hope you enjoy our first of many podcasts to come! We are hoping to upload once a week every monday!

For whatever reason she got pissed at me because I didn't know what 2 plus 2 was. I didn't even ask for help, I just didn't give a shit so I wasn't doing my assignments. So she would just come over. Welcome to the I Hope I Don't Forget This Later podcast. That's Cam, I'm Jake, and we're... The Grass Daddies. The Grass Daddies. I was wondering how you were going to say that. I thought I'm saying this again because we tried recording this again, so it's kind of unofficial, but I was wondering how you were

going to say that because I didn't know if you were going to go we're Grass Daddies or we're the Grass Daddies. But it's the or the Grass Daddies. The Ohio State University. The Cornhuskers. Since it's our first time, should we go in front of the camera and how those college players will say where they went to high school or college? Just be like, Jake Coon, Midland, drop out.

Camden Wellman never went to college. Camden Wellman wants education to college Camden Wellman what's education okay so what the fuck did you want to tell me before we start actually dude my fucking ears I feel like I got shit

coming out I feel like I have a little stone in it I don't know what is going on with my ear I need to go see a doctor because my ear is fucking

not alright did you use the earplugs the little foam earplugs at work and just wedge that somewhere else? I might have lost one deep inside there. Just wedge it in there? The vertigrain just knock it down there?

Dude, I don't know. We went and got fucking, like, swimmer's ear drops. And I put those bitches in there. And it felt fucking weird. And it's supposed to get water out of your ear, but I don't even know if that's the issue. You need to get them fucking wax sticks that you burn and then it sucks shit out, you know what I mean? That's like for earwax. Yeah, but maybe you just have a huge buildup of earwax in there.

It hurts when I clench my jaw. I don't think it's earwax. Anyways, tell me what you wanted to tell me so badly earlier. Well, you know... This better be good, because you made me wait all day to hear it. When you clean your ears, you're not supposed to fuck your ear with a Q-tip. You're supposed to just... And that's exactly why I don't clean my ears with a Q-tip.

And she swears by it, and I'm like, that's a good way to punch your eardrum. Well, you don't fucking stick it in your brain. I don't do it, period. All right, tell me what you want to tell me. What I had to tell you, which hopefully I didn't hype it up too much, but, you know, I've been on this new kick of I'm trying to start my turf influencing page on Instagram. Follow Camden Wellman on Instagram.

That page you started a day ago? Yeah. Oh, that one, okay. a day ago? Yeah. Oh, that one. Okay. A day ago. All right. Two posts, two posts. So this morning, I just tell you what he told me earlier. He goes, what did you say? You go, I am so much happier right now. Or you're like, what did you say? My life is so much better. Yeah. You're like, my life is so much better. And I'm like, since you met me and you're like, life is so much better and i'm like since you met me and you're like no since i started my turf influencer page and i'm like didn't you start that like yesterday you're like

yeah yeah yeah but this is this is sweet because this morning i posted this picture of two of our guys at work walk mowing or putting green and then were they it was gavin spencer oh yeah i was there when you did it yeah yeah But they don't know that. Yeah. So, yeah, this morning at like 5.45, you know, because we got to fucking work early. But I posted this picture, and I got two major likes on there. One is Turf Fiends. The other was from that girl. No, guess what the other one was?

Who? It was the Toro page. Toro? Toro. Liked it. It's pretty sick. The Toro Company. The Toro Company. Verified.

Yeah, but John Deere didn't like it, so. Well, then we don't have fucking John Deere walkmowers, so. Did you just want me to plug? The only John Deere mower we had was that old Zero turn That we picked up with a crane That we were supposed to Get rid of And we took the battery out

And unhooked the gas can Better save those gas lines Those gas lines are still good They've had old gas in them for like 10 years It wasn't the gas lines. They were like, yeah, let's save that whole mower. It still runs. And I'm like, uh.

Pretty sure Chris could disassemble it and he could use it for parts. Never know when you need to weld a little bit of a piece of metal onto something. Just slap a bad knife on there. What was the other thing you wanted to tell me? What thing? Something about pizza. Oh, yeah. Yesterday, me and Bailey...

Not yesterday. Two days ago. Sorry. The week kind of blended together, but... Two days ago, we were going to get Little Caesars, which is just right down the road. Caesars? Yeah, Little Caesars. Okay.

And we looked over to our left, and there was a fucking fire truck at this apartment complex carrying a body bag out. A body bag? Yeah. Where was it at? Like, just up the road. At the Little Caesars by our house? Like, you know the... Where's the fire station?

The apartments... Behind the Casey's? Sure. The apartments Behind the Casey's Sure Well cause you know my girlfriend She has this thing where she thinks She knows where she's going but the little Caesars Is on the corner that we're turning left at And maybe taking a right

Man if she was here listening to you right now that would be You're sleeping on the couch tonight son Fuck no that's my bed She's sleeping in the dog kennel tonight She's in the dog house Sleep with a ruger Oh yeah Man

This I don't know how we're gonna Since we're grass The theme is grass daddies But I don't want to to just be talk about grass. No, no. You know what I mean? It's like...

Yeah, yeah. But I did mow my lawn today. And that shit was... When was the last time you mowed it? I don't know. So in my backyard... And here we go. We're talking about grass.

In the backyard... So earlier in the spring in the front yard i did like a scott's ultra feed oh yeah yeah and that shit wants you to put it down like five that like i don't even know what it is but it's like five pounds per or three pounds per thousand and i'm just like holy shit your yard's like 500 square feet i'm like that can't be right and like the the number it told me to put on the dial i was like there's no way but so i like kind of went in between where it said to do it it was like if you want it was like here's the normal rate but if you want the ultra feed rate put this number in and this will give you fucking you should have just you should have just done it the ultra feed

rate because you know we move at a pretty good clip we like to put it down at a pretty good clip but it's like if you want to top dress your lawn with nitrogen here you go so I went kind of somewhere in between there it's funny watching our girlfriends expressions die off when we start going from

funny shit about pizza and body bags to talking about grass they're like okay what are you going to talk about something else now anyways so i put it in my front in the spring and that was growing like a forest and then whatever i had left i put in the back this summer and so my backyard is growing like crazy now and since we and i put it down before all that rain we got. And I think I mowed it probably less than a week ago. And it was so thick. And I mowed it on our split shift today. So I mowed it probably, I don't know, right when I got home.

So probably 930. There's still quite a bit of dew on there. And it was clogging my shit. Ugh, dude. You've got to keep the blade sharp. I haven't sharpened my blade in a while. So what you're telling me is they want you to put this nitrogen down at such a high rate that it just looks like a dog just pissed in your whole lawn.

Basically. You just sprayed your lawn with dog piss. Basically, they're like, this is some great fertilizer. But it's like, when you're putting that much nitrogen down, the grass has no choice but to be super long and lush. Super green or just fucking yellow out like a motherfucker. When are you planning on moving into a house to have your own

yard? I don't know. I got a pretty sick yard here that I only get to do. You can mow it whenever you want. I'm just going to ask. I'm going to do the fun stuff to you can mow it whenever you want i'm just gonna ask i'm gonna do the fun stuff to it so i'll only charge you like 10 bucks like installing our poor man's irrigation system yeah exactly pretty sick oh man i was talking to um i was talking to maggie before on the way home from work this afternoon because my

parents' birthdays are coming up and she was, um, we were planning on when to, like, go to dinner. Oh, yeah. I was like, yeah, Cam and I are starting our podcast tonight. And she's like, oh, really? Let me know if you need a guest. And I'm like, yeah. I'm like, but

I'm like, I don't know what I talk about with you. But, I don't know, we talk about with you but I don't know we probably talked about like we went to high school together and you know like grew up together so there's probably

a couple things that we can talk about some kid stories yeah little dick running around the house with his tally whacker out that happened when I was

when I was really when I was really little my parents were like would be like I was the way they would describe it. Death grip in the parking lot when we're going into stores. Because I would just, the second I saw open pavement, I'm gone. And I guess one time, this might have been a different story.

Because I think there was probably multiple occasions where I'd be running around naked outside when i was really young but there was one time they couldn't find me they're like where's jake where's jake and they look outside and i'm sitting on the curb of the street watching little blades of grass go in the water down the gutter just sitting on the curb naked probably but i don't know i was like probably three or four years old. Oh. Oh, man. There was this one time that these kids, we were playing some football. This was when I lived in a small town, Elwood.

Fucking didn't do anything. And this kid, I was cruising along on my bike and this kid threw a stick in my tire like got up next to you and stuck it in or like

one in a million shot and he threw it in and it perfectly went through the spokes no so like right outside this kid's house he had like a the sidewalk

had like a big like where like the sidewalk pressed up so like we thought we were cool you know hitting a bunny hop

over like a fucking three inch slope oh I did that all the time did you put did you put playing cards in your spokes oh no we did uh not in ducan yeah we'd step on the mountain do cans wedge them in the tire yeah so it sounds like a cheap ass dirt bike yeah i think i did cards in the spokes too take some like old cards that you don't play anymore. Take your dad's vintage baseball cards and... No, I'm just kidding. I didn't have cards. But, um... But, anyways, so, I...

This kid pissed me off. It skinned my elbow all up. So, I... That was crazy. So, I went home, and I went and grabbed my little airsoft shotgun, and I was like, oh, I'm gonna get it back. I had an airsoft shotgun and I was like, I'm gonna get it back. I had an airsoft shotgun. Did every boy that lived in Nebraska

have an airsoft shotgun? Was there some cheap ass clear ones? Yeah. Pump action? Sawed off? Sawed off? Oh yeah. Dude, we had the same shotgun.

Dude, one time I cocked it and I was, speaking to Maggie, I was in her room, and I was like, see, it's not loaded, and I had my finger over that shit, and I pulled the trigger, and it fucking blasted the point-blank range of the tip of my finger, and I had a purple spot on my finger for like a week. Oh, shit. That shit hurt. Anyways.

Anyways, so I just, like, disassembled the whole thing like it took the barrel off so it was like the clear like clear barrel and it was just like a little metal yeah yeah yeah that's where it comes out yeah and i went to shoot him with it and the barrel just and then they called the fucking cops on me and said I threatened to shoot them with a shotgun. So, the cops showed up at my house. And it was this whole big deal because my parents didn't believe me. And so, we had to take all of our guns, you know,

because we live in fucking Nebraska where we just have guns because why not? And they had to lock them. They hid them because they actually thought I was going to go shoot up something. I don't know. You remember when you would ride your bike and you'd try to pop a wheelie? Mm-hmm. Like you'd ride and you'd fucking jerk on the handlebars

and then make your front tire come out? Oh, yeah. One time. One time I was going going i don't know how the fuck this happened i fucking jerked that bitch up and the front tire just came off uh shit i don't know if someone sabotaged my bike or what the yes because it was so it was like there was a cul-de-sac going up and there was like sidewalk going down sidewalk going down i was going and i fucking went and my fucking front tire came out

but i didn't realize it until i hit the ground and i'm like what the fuck happened and i see my little front tire going and then my friend i was leaving my friend's house and he saw it and he's laughing at me and i'm like you're not fucking funny i was probably not very happy and i had to walk my bike home out of front tire on the front because i had i had that one bike where it was like a bmx bike but it was like a bike like it had the, not BMX, like a dirt bike. Oh yeah. Where it had like the dirt bike seat, like the long dirt bike seat.

Oh yeah. I thought it was so cool. It was so sick. Dude, all my, How many times? All my public pool girlfriends, they love that shit. I only had like one.

Hi Lena. Share some Cheetos at the contest end or what? She might have been my first hug. And I was nervous. And you're, like, crying at the swimming pool, thinking it's never going to be the next time you're ever going to see her, but you're coming back tomorrow. You're, like... Well, she lived in my neighborhood. Oh.

And I remember one time I hugged her, and I was, like, super nervous, too, like I didn't want to. And then afterwards, I was, like, telling my sister, who's three years older than me, and her friend about it. And they're like, how did you hug her? And I was like, I don't know, like, I just hugged her and, like, patted her on the back. They're like, you patted her on the back? And I'm like, I didn't know. I wasn't supposed to pat her on the back. They're like, no.

And I was just like, oh, my my god I totally fucked up my first hug so oh shit so I always had this I had a another one I had a

wait really quick can we settle a dispute what so Lena doesn't like these okay that was pretty fire

the vodka the truly vodka seltzers And um I was like well there's normal trulys in the fridge Yeah And they're truly lemonades And she said those aren't normal trulys And I was like Yeah they are

I feel like truly lemonades are more popular Is that the original Truly? So they're originally a seltzer, and then they made a lemonade spinoff. Okay, what's wrong? Thanks to Bailey, you know, the Truly comes to her. I was wrong. I was wrong. I thought they were originally a Truly Lemonade. Because you know how, like, literally every company made a seltzer

spinoff after bud light made a seltzer yeah now it's like crew on the seltzer or something well and then they went to uh i remember one time and like this is like coming pretty close to high school and my parents my mom fucking hates drinking like despises it and my dad's like had his first 11 a.m here we go yeah it's 11 a.m i'm swinging around to golf i made it through the front nine i shot an 81 on the front nine so i mean when we were at when we were in kozad yeah i don't know what time it was. It wasn't anywhere close to five. He's like, the fucking cart girl is driving by. He's like,

I want a beer. You guys want a bush light? We're like, yeah. I'm not going to say no. Yeah, no shit. And so I remember that my siblings, which my sister that's in the middle, I have I remember that my siblings which the

my sister that's in the middle I have two older siblings and they're twins and I was like I want a drink and the first drink of alcohol I ever had was a fucking limerita when you were really

young did your parents let you like take a drink? Like one little sip? I did that. I don't want to say a lot. But like a lot of times when my parents were like out and they had friends over, I'd be like, can I have a drink? I was like, I felt so cool because I had one little drink of beer. One drink.

I took one little sip. It was like not really like one drink. It was more like... It was more like only a couple beers? No, it was more like I got to like old enough where I was like... Just don't let any of the school board parents see you drink. I was kind of responsible. And then it kind of turned into like, can have one beer hanging out when they're playing

cards and shit since we're kind of going with the theme of like our childhoods i mean it kind of fits since we're doing like our first podcast yeah they're just trying to get to know us you know yeah like what is the deal with these kids i think it's funny when I think about your upbringing versus my upbringing from the stories that I've heard of yours because I was not crazy my parents were like my parents had a pretty I had a pretty long leash because they would I mean if I was like I wanted to be at this friend's house late they'd be like okay be home by midnight or one and i would always make curfew and so they're like you've always obeyed our like our wishes and we have no reason not to trust you so they just continue to trust me and then you're and then i'm like what was your childhood like and you're like

uh me and some friends we had to throw a 30 rack out the window because a cop pulled us over. Yeah. Cruising down the old highway 30, just fucking pitching shit out the window. Hopefully they don't see. Um, I guess. How old were you when you threw that out the window? Like. Cause you said you threw a full 30 rack out the window when you were getting pulled over,

right? Yeah. You said you turn quick so you'd be in the window when you were getting pulled over, right? Yeah. You said you'd turn quick so you'd be in the dark. No, so. That's how I imagined it. So, like, we picked it up from a town that's like 15 minutes away from my hometown. And on the way back. So who bought it?

I'm not going to disclose names, but. Someone with a fake? No. Or someone bought a fake? No. Or someone bought for you? Yeah, like, it was, like, a friend's... Okay. ...friend's brother, right? Some...

Yeah. Yeah. Down the line, you know? Yeah. Untraceable. Like, our... The road that we were driving on, it, like, makes, like, an S, like, a pretty sharp S. Well, there's some trees that, like that like line it so if you get around like

the other s fast enough that like behind you the like people behind you can't see like it's not a clear line of sight yeah and there was a cop sitting so there's like this little laundry posted up yeah and we're like going like 80 you know because and how old were you did you already say that it was like 15 cause we were throwing a party you know you know what normal 15 year olds do yeah and so we turned this like in he was like sitting in this

parking lot by this like shitty ass laundromat that I don't even know what I don't even think it's a fucking laundromat anymore but and we seen him pull out so we hauled ass like went 90 till we got around the corner and just pitched that bitch out the window he pulled yeah he pulled us over and uh he's like you got anything in the car i should know about you're like nope he's like you know why you got anything in the ditch i should know about and you're like no he's like uh you know i'm'm pulling you over. I'm like, that's fucking generic.

He's like, because I threw that 30 right on the wall. Sorry. I was littering. Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. No, and then, yeah, we kind of went our way. He gave us a warning, told us to get home because we were, it was just one kid that was, like, on the verge of being able to legally drive but you know it's fucking small town Nebraska so. What does on the

verge? Like he was about ready to turn 60 in like a week. Like he oh I thought you meant like legally drive like alcohol wise. Oh no like he was like about. Cause I would want to know what you what your level of you're okay to drive versus you're on the verge of being okay to drive versus you can't drive.

Can you walk without falling down? Okay, you're good to drive. Are you going to remember this current conversation? Yep. You're on the verge. You're good. Once you black out, you're not okay to drive. He was like turning 16 in the week, so the cop was like, all right, whatever.

I'm not going to fuck with you guys so we went to where we were gonna throw this party um kinda let it mellow down let the area get less hot and then we fucking cruised back out there in the dark and I ran out

into the ditch full 30 rack busted open we lost two beers that was the only thing we couldn't find threw that bitch into the ditch. Full 30 rack. Busted open. We lost two beers. Two beers. That was the only thing we couldn't find. Threw that bitch in the back of the pickup.

So after he left you went back and got it? Yeah, like 45 minutes later we just went back. Yeah. What time of year was it? It was like summertime.

Like probably August. Did it get warm? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Room temperature bush light. We just threw him on some ice. A picture of bush light. Was it bush light? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Room temperature bush light. We just threw him on some ice. A picture of bush light. Was it bush light?

Yeah. Probably. It was either bush light or natty light. Natter light. Natter light. I love natter light. Natter light. Natter light's my favorite.

But, yeah, I did some pretty wild shit versus you. Yeah, I was pretty tamed. And then, so my first car. We can get on top of what your first car was. My first car was my mom's hand-me-down. Okay. It was just a Chevy Malibu. So that was pretty easy.

That was a hell of a transition, by the way. So my first car. So my first car was a Chevy Malibu, which, quiet, could sneak home pretty easy after a curfew. And then I was like, man, I want a pickup. And boy, was I 16 years old and from small town fucking Nebraska, because I wanted the loudest fucking pickup I could find. And boy, did I get it. Because I started to get it.

Boy. Boy, did I get it. Boy. And I started getting good at like I knew where I had to punch it and throw it into neutral and then shut it off and coast home you know so I wouldn't get caught because it wakes up a neighborhood and my mom when it's outside she's definitely gonna wake up and it's like two o'clock in the morning no yeah I know a lot about that when she exactly what you're talking about When she told me to be home at 9.30. When she told me to be home at 9.30 and it's 9.30 a.m. the next day.

Yeah. I made it. Right on time, Mom. You're 12 hours late, Camden. Damn it, Camden. You're 12 hours late again. Man, the worst time I ever showed up late past curfew, she must have been waiting for me. Can I say what my first car is?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. My first car was a Ford Taurus. Champagne. Champagne. That's champagne, Ford Taurus. Got them alloy rims on her. Probably not.

I don't really remember. But my parents got that for me from some friends that were like, you can have it or we're going to throw it in the scrapyard. And they're like, our son just turned 16 and he needs some wheels. Let's get him old clickety clackety. They're like, how much do you want from it? And they're like, we'll pay you to take it. They're like, does a case of beer settle the odds? So we picked it up from them i think at

um i think in crete there was like a dome thing because it was uh this lady that my mom went to college with we got that taurus baby and i remember that day i was on clash of clans and i was upgrading my mortar to level 7 and it was a 7 day process I was like 7 days and this is how I know this is how I know that they changed things because when they start adding new shit to that game

it starts the newer stuff takes longer and the older shit doesn't take as long as it used to because now if you go on and create a new world a little side tangent here that's a hell of a transition if you upgrade to a level seven border now it is not a week it is like two days a couple days maybe anyways so i got that ford taurus and it was it was it's a car but it's got the shifter up here dude i don't man i don't remember how many miles on it it was like it was a six cylinder so it could kind of move a little bit that front wheel drive and you're probably 16 pulling up to school like yo look

at me i'm whipping this bitch that thing was a POS every day I would pull in to school this reminded me every day I would pull into school Corbin at the time was driving his he was driving a hand me down truck from his dad it was like a I can't remember if it was a Chevy or a GMC

I think it was a GMC it was like a red GMC with a standard cab no it was an extended cab. Whatever those cabs were where it had like the sideways seat in the back. I don't know. Extended cab. Extended cab. But like a really small extended cab. Yeah, that was like the old extended cabs. They used to have the sideways seat in them. Actually, I don't remember if it was a sideways seat or not. I think it was just really tight back in there. Anyways,

every day I would pull into school, I would pull up and I would touch my front license plate against his rear hitch. And I don't remember what we said. I don't remember if we were like kiss that booty

or something like that but there was one day where it was snowy oh my god this just reminded me of the funnest fucking story ever you're gonna fucking lose it but first let me tell this and I don't care about this because if my old principal

Matt Iwell is listening to this if I ever find you, I will... I hated my former principal. So I know there's people that we're trying not to talk shit on. If you're listening, I fucking hate your guts. Fuck you. Fuck you. No, fuck you.

This one right here. Yeah, that. Right there. no fuck you no fuck you yeah that right there so there was one day where it was snowy and all the parking lot stall lines were covered and he pulled into so if the stalls are like this yeah and there's a line down the middle and the other ones are like this he would usually come and pull through so he'd be facing out and then I would come in behind him and kiss that boogie. I'd get that license plate right on that hitch. Okay.

I'm picking up what you're putting down. But this day, it was snowy and all the parking cells were covered, and it was there early, so it wasn't like I was pulling into an empty spot. All the spots were kind of empty and there were scattered cars. Well, this day, he decided to pull into this spot. Okay. So there was still a spot he could have pulled through. Yeah. Maybe I knew that he didn't pull through technically,

but I still parked behind him, so I was technically not in a parking spot and I was pulled out behind him. Oh, yeah. Hams. Hell yeah. We're drinking that variety tonight we got some truly wait I don't have this finished yet seltzers some hams and bush light anyways my fucking dickhead of a principal at the end of school I

came out to my car I think someone might have warned me but I was like whatever because I knew what was going to happen he was out there leaning against my car waiting for me and you're like hey don't lean against it too hard back bumper might fall off

I was like you're going to rub off that champagne that's a fucking battle cam. I don't even remember what he said, because half the time whenever he said shit, it was such bullshit malarkey that I was like, just fucking die already. I fucking hated this guy. I hated this guy with a passion. Anyways, he was leaning against my fucking car, and he was like, I don't know, this is a fucking is a parking spot blah blah blah type of shit and i was just like oh my fucking god and i was so annoyed with him and i was like well there was snow on the ground covering this and he you know how guys like well when you try to explain something and

they'll just start shaking their head like they don't want to hear it yeah like they want an explanation from you but then when you start to give it, they're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking hate that shit so much. It pisses me off. Let me explain.

Okay. This is my story. I might've told you this before. I don't know, but I'm going to tell it again. I had a Ford Taurus. Mm hmm. And this kind of ties back to what we were saying.

You were a wild child. I was a little more tame. So I think it was my junior year. It was either my sophomore or junior year. And at one point in my mind, I was like, I don't know who it was with or what the circumstances were. But I was like, I might't know who it was with or what the circumstances were, but I was like, I might be fixing to have sex. So I was like, but I'm too much of a pussy to go to a gas station and buy condoms for myself. So I asked my friend, who I knew bought condoms before, if he could go buy some condoms for me.

This is how big of a pussy I was at the time. I was like, can you buy condoms for me? Because I'm afraid a gas station cashier is going to judge me. Tangent. As if they didn't just give a fucking liter of Mountain Dew to a crackhead 10 seconds ago. And I'm worried that they're going to judge me for buying condoms. The person's like, can I get 12 on salmon? I just need to know. And I just go up salmon? I just need enough.

And I just go up there and I'm like, can I get these bear skin condoms? They're just like, are you having sex? You can't do that. Boy, do I have a bad story about bears getting condoms. Save it. Anyways,

I'm like, I need you to buy some Gums for me. I was like, I need you to buy some Gums for me. So he's like, alright. He knew what car I had. Or so I thought. I was like, I drive that Taurus. I'll leave it unlocked for you.

And he's like, okay. So I think the drop is made at the start of the school day. Yeah. So I'm a little gid made At the start of the school day Yeah So I'm I'm a little I'm a little giddy You're just sitting I'm excited

I think I'm gonna get out to my car And see that pack of condoms Sitting in the front seat And I'm like yes The little three pack That Probably yeah That two of

Especially coming from a gas station Two of them are just gonna be Bone ass dry Just gonna Fucking I don't know I don't have any experience At this point.

All I know is that I'm getting some dick ponchos, and I'm about to get laid. It's go time. Okay? I get to my car. There's no condoms in the front seat. I'm like, fuck. Well, maybe since I left my car unlocked, someone pranked me and stole them or something like that. Somebody stole your condoms.

Somebody stole my fucking condoms. Okay? A week goes by. Maybe a couple days. I'm minding my own business. I tell my friend, Trace, I mean, I don't, it's not a big deal. Trace, love you.

I'm like, Trace, the condoms weren't in the front seat. And he's like, I don't know what to tell you, bro. I left them there. And so I'm like, Trace, the condoms weren't in the front seat. And he's like, I don't know what to tell you, bro. I left them there. And so I was like, whatever. Well, maybe someone took them. He's like, he doesn't give a fuck. He bought the condoms and put them there. I'm sure I paid him back for them.

A couple days go by. I get out of my car. I'm walking to my class. I'm like, huh, someone else drives a Taurus. I'm like, someone else drives a Taurus. It's this... It's this small Asian girl. Name. I can't remember her name. Oh, shit.

I can't remember her name. I want to say it was like Natalie or something. And I have another funny story about her. Quick tangent. Really quick tangent. So, at Lincoln Lutheran, we had a bunch of Korean, not Korean, Vietnamese exchange students. Right? And there was one day our math teacher goes, he was talking about, like, weather or something. He's like, is that what it's like over there? And he, like, gestured to her.

And she's like, huh? And he's like, where are you from? And she's like, he's like, wait, what school did you come from? And she's like, I transferred from Southeast. Like, she was American. Like, she was not one of the Vietnamese exchange students. Anyways. He's like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. Anyways.

I saw her get out of that car, and I'm like... And then I walked by it, and she left her door unlocked. And I was like, oh my fucking god. I bet she always leaves her door unlocked. Oh, Carol. Carol Navity.

If you're listening, did you get those condoms? Because I want to know and I want them back. I paid for those. Please return them to the right floor. I need those condoms. This was, I don't know, probably was a decade ago. Anyways.

She just goes home. She's like, Mom, look at my cool gloves! Look at these one-finger gloves someone left me. So I guarantee that Trace mistakenly saw that other Ford Taurus unlocked and left those condoms

in the front seat. And she, poor girl, probably got out of class, was going home, and there was just a pack of condoms sitting in her front seat. She's probably like, what the fuck? She's like, what kind of fucked up hookup drink is this? Does someone think I'm a fucking hoe or something? Like leaving these condoms in my front seat?

You think I need these? I like to think she opened the door and she's like, I don't use those shits. And she just got in her car and left. Anyways, what were you going to say? Um, I can't remember, but we can go on the... Well, what's this? We're on the condom talk. You got the hiccups?

No, I got the burps. You got the beer hiccups? We got, um... So it was in middle school, right? I was talking to two girls at the same time. Didn't know which one I was going to get my willy wet with, but I was going to try. You said middle school? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You said middle school? Yeah, so I was like, I texted my parents, hey, I'm gonna go hang out with this kid. His name was Steven, which none of us could drive, so his mom picks us up. His mom picks us up. Hey, can you drop me off at Symphony's house? I got a fucking big appointment. No, listen to this shit. We drive to their house. I'm at Symphony, I'm at Stephanie.

We drive to their house. We get all cleaned up snazzy for this middle school dance. What is cleaning up in middle school? You pour half a bottle of Axe on yourself. Oh, yeah. Took a shower. Meanwhile, you know, I was already shaving my nuts. My friend Steven was it.

My friend Steven was it. Yo, Steve. You gotta shave them nuts, bro. Actually, actually, hang on. I'm so scared that we're just blowing this shit out. I see those lines going like this. I'm scared it's going to be unlistenable. So, we go back to his house

and his mom makes some bomb ass mexican food they're a hispanic family so and we eat and i'm like dude i didn't bring my razor and he's like for what i'm like shave my nuts and so we don't have the scooter over there my My mom's going to drive us. And he's like. You're like, no. I'm like. My ball raiser. I was like, I was like, dog, do you got any condoms too? I need condoms tonight. And you're in seventh, eighth grade? Yeah, this is like my seventh grade year.

Yeah. Towards the end of the year. And. God. And so. So here I am nervous to buy condoms and I'm like a soft boy. And so we get done eating and he's like, hey mom, can you run us to the Dollar General real quick? My friend's gotta buy condoms.

Shit you not. And she's like, beat it, baby. So she drives us to the fucking Dollar General. Some fucking methany bitch is in there, right? Like no front teeth i'm like she's like i don't know if you're in the back so i'm like sitting there like oh man what kind of cons do i want to get you know because that's such a hard decision because i've never bought them before i'm like yeah those don't sound very good so you're trying to sound like you've bought

them before yeah so i'm trying to sound experienced i go in there and like yeah i didn't really like those last time she's like how old are you i go in there like and i walk up to the front enough i walk up to the front with vick razors the cheap ass you know like so you walk up there with razors razors and condoms she's like god damn she she scans the box of condoms she just like holds them up and they just looked at me and she's like you're pretty young to be buying these aren't you and i said well they don't got an age to buy them so i think i'm all right And so I walk out. And my friend's mom goes, what'd you need to get in there? I was like, razors. I don't do. And she's like,

well what's else in the bag? I'm like, condoms. You told her? Yeah, she was pretty chill too. What'd you say? So I went to my friend's house and shaved my nuts in his shower. Pretty fucked up, right? I guess. I get out of the shower and I'm just chilling on his shower. Pretty fucked up, right? I guess. I get out of the shower, and I'm just chilling on his bed.

We were listening to... With my nuts out, letting my hair dry. Fuck. We're listening to some Kendrick Lamar. We had some Kendrick Lamar going, you know? And I was chilling on his bed, and he goes and takes a shower. Hey, can you look at my nuts and make sure I got everything?

He goes and gets in the shower, and like a minute and a half later, he comes out just in his towel. He's like, dude, how do you shave your nuts? I've never shaved my nuts before. Can you help? So I was like, here, I'll just talk you through it. So I went and sat on the toilet and was just talking it through. I was like, hold up.

I was like, grab your dick, pull it up, shave the top half first, then pick up the bottom of your nose, shave the bottom. And then, oh my god. And then, the next thing that came out of my mouth, I was like. I remember when I said, I might regret this later. Oh yeah. And so I was like, next thing that came out of my mouth his mom's in the kitchen still and the shower's like

the bathroom's like here kitchen's here so she can clearly hear everything we're saying and I was like don't forget to stoop into the taint a little bit

you know you don't want to be so she's got her ear pressed against the door listening to you Talk her son through how to shave his balls Yeah She was a single mom Normal stuff

She was a single mom So she didn't know how to tell her son How to shave his nuts man So I had to do it I don't think dads tell their sons How to shave their nuts Well Did your dad teach you how to shave your nuts?

No I just assumed I do. You know, you don't want to get the tip. Anyways. Anyways. Get all this done. Get all spiffed up right. And we go to this dance.

And I thought I was going to get, you know, some bitches grinding on my dick. You're in seventh grade oh yeah but they they were freaks back then you know what i mean like it was a different it was a different era not your fucking 2000 fucking 90 era not 2090 1990 era um what are you talking about? Anyways Oh my lord Anyways So this chick I'm dancing with

Right We start We start dancing Kind of Getting all close and personal This bitch My math teacher At Lincoln Lutheran dances

We had to save room for Jesus Oh yeah No I'm about ready to get there My math bitch I seen her My math bitch. I've seen her. Your math bitch? No, this is my teacher.

She was a bitch. I hated her. Your math bitch teacher. Yeah, she treated me like I had fucking some kind of problem that I couldn't do simple math. And I didn't even ask for help. For whatever reason, she got pissed at me because I didn't know what 2 plus 2 was. I didn't even ask for help. I just didn't give a shit So I wasn't doing my assignments

So she would just come over She would come over Where she just drags a chair across the room She just like Sits down right next to me She's like in my ear And I'm just like I'm just trying to go home and beat off

And she sits down She's like this is 5 I'm just like, bitch, I'm just trying to go home and beat off. And she sits down. She's like, this is five. Five plus two equals, I'm like, I don't know. Fuck the bino. I don't know how to count that high. Two plus two is four. That's all I need.

What does this have to do with the middle school dance? Anyways, that was a tangent. But my math teacher, I seen her all the way across. We were at a church, too, that had, like, a big-ass gym in it. And she was all the way across the room. And we're, like, dancing, you know. You were at a church gym trying to get some middle school strength. Yeah. Okay, I think I'm caught up.

Oh, yeah. So I see her from across the room dude she had like these fucking like eagle eyes man she was like staring at us like all night like fucking like this like you better not fucking grind and as soon I swear to god as soon as my hand went from here in the middle of her back to like

that lip snarl just just angling down a little bit here in the middle of her back to like... That lip snarl. That lip snarl. Just angling down a little bit. I just seen her beeline right for us. And she just goes, How many teachers were you on their shit list? Dude.

All of them? Elementary school. How many were you not on? Elementary school with my ADHD. I was so bad. Love this teacher to death now. You have ADHD? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Real good. Love this teacher to death now. You have ADHD. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Real good. That's news to me. Real good. It's in there good and tight. But this was, like, back when, like, I could not control it. So I was taking my ADHD medicine. You can control it now? Yeah, a little bit.

I was taking my ADHD medicine. And, oh it now? Yeah, a little bit. I was taking my ADHD medicine. And, oh my god, I was a problem child. I had to go to the counselors all the time. I had to take my ADHD medicine. And one day, I was just being such a jackass in her class. She took her coffee mug and fucking hummed it at me. What? Yeah.

Were you full? No, it was empty. Fucking hummed it at me. And then... Did it hit you? No, she missed. And I grabbed this shitty ass book she was making me read. Even though I hated reading, I'd rather listen to audiobooks.

I hate reading, I'd rather listen to audiobooks. No, what's the... That's not the most camp statement ever. What's the book with the mouse? With the little red car Did you guys read that Stuart Little No no no

It was a different one Anyways She was making me read this dumb ass book She was giving me this It might be I didn't want to read right So she took it upon herself to no this was like elementary school so she taught us everything oh yeah so she took it upon herself

to walk her happy fat ass down to the freaking library and pick me out a book i didn't even get to pick it out because you know like at this point i was reading flat stanley and shit because that shit was lit or i survived you know i survived pompeii and i survived fucking they gave you i survived pompeii in elementary school to read oh yeah we could read those like the i survived pearl harbor yeah i read those shit was those seem pretty gruesome to give to little kids no it's like a kid's book a A kid's book? Like a teen book. See how the bomber flies over the ocean. Is that a whale? Anyways, so she

Is that a nuke? She just hummed her mug at me, right? And I just turned around I think this was the first cuss word I ever said at school. I smack and grab my book and I just go bitch and fucking yeet my book right back at school. I smack and grab my book and I just go, bitch, and fucking yeet my book right back at her.

Yeah, I got taken to the principal's office. My parents were called. They were like, what did little Cam do this time? He's an angel at home. I'm like... So they vouched for you. They lied for you. Mm.

Yeah. We all know that's not true. One time in elementary school, I headbutted a kid you. They lied for you. Yeah. Because we all know that's not true. One time in elementary school, I headbutted a kid because he was pissing me off. I had anger issues too when I was in elementary school. I'm saying.

I headbutted a kid. He took my fruit snacks. This kid kept calling me a leprechaun. Why did he call you a leprechaun? I don't know. So I chased him around the playground. Because I always wore green and I clicked my heels together and I dyed my hair red. I fucking grabbed him.

I just headbutted him. So aggressive. They took us to the principal's office. Mr. Hemmerling was his name. He was a bald fuck. Were there any teachers you liked? No, because they all were dicks to me because I had ADHD,

which I couldn't control myself, which was also kind of my fault. The best thing about going to the principal's office, I told him I'd start being good if I got candy, so I'd be a little dickhead in the morning, and then I'd go to the principal's office, and then I'd get a little piece of candy, and then I'd go back to class's office and then I'd get a little piece of candy and then I'd go back to class and I'd be just like a

nice boy for that one little piece of candy and it was like the fruities, the Tootsie Roll fruities you know oh like the colorful ones I like the blue ones, the vanilla ones oh yeah I always saw the blue ones and I'm like oh my god it's gonna be blue raspberry

cause I love blue raspberry candies. Like, blue raspberry Dollar Ranchers. Fire. Fire, dude. Fire, dude. But then I would open it, and I'd be like, it's white. Why is it white? It's supposed to be blue.

It's not blue raspberry? No. That's it, white. And then I'd eat it, and I'd be like, that's just vanilla. That's what I said oh you heard me that's what I said so what else do you want to talk about

what's been what's new in life uh kid at my church got arrested we probably don't want to talk about that oh my god I seem

should we get back on the topic of grass at least to close it out yeah I think that I was a rare breed of child because kids nowadays hate doing chores, I feel like. It's anything they can do to get out of chores and just play fucking Fortnite. I was the opposite of a kid. Nowadays. Because.

I would be fucking. Pressed against that glass. Anytime my dad would mow. Anytime my neighbor would snow blow his driveway. I was in that shit. I loved tractors. It was probably because my grandpa was a farmer. And I loved riding on tractors with him.

And riding his pickup. And all that. But. And maybe. My dad. So my dad had this little like backpack thing like um like when uh fucking Luke Skywalker had

a little Yoda on his back or whatever when he was training in those old Star Wars movies. You're young so I wouldn't expect you to understand that reference. And I've never watched all the Star Wars movies. Yeah, yeah. Um, but I'd be riding on his back while he'd mow the lawn in this little thing. And basically, I was itching to get on that mower. The second I could get on that mower, whenever I could, I'd like...

It started off with... I would stand between my dad's hands and he'd push the mower and I'd stand between his arms and I'd, and I'd hold on to the little bar and I'd walk with him while he's mowing. I loved that shit. I don't know what it was. I don't know why, why I loved it so much. There was, there was a, I think there was one time that I remember. The, so he,

we had like, the Toro mower I have is the one we had. That's a thing for so long. Still runs like a peach. It still runs.

It still works. Um, but it's got the, the safety handle and then the like front wheel self-propelled thing.

I don't know which one it was, but he was going to pull one of them down and i had my little fingers in there and he pinched my fingers and i'm like he's like oh shit i'm sorry i don't know but yeah eventually i graduated went from jv to varsity and i started mowing the lawn on my own, and I did not oppose to it. Most kids now, it was a chore for them. I'd be asking my dad, can I mow? And he'd be like, no, the lawn doesn't need mowing. Or like, yeah, sure. And then he'd tell me if I should bag it,

or if I could mulch it, or whatnot. Well, when I was like, I guess, we're going on kind of where our love for turf started yeah yeah that's that would that would be where my love i've always loved mowing lawn yeah i think any kind of and like when they were doing construction on our church or whatever i would be pressed against that glass watching those things work. So I think I just loved machines. And like the lawnmower was a machine

and it's a very complex, simple machine that I could operate. Yeah. So maybe that's why I gravitated to it. But I don't know, man. I've always loved fucking mowing and just lawn care in general, I guess. So I guess when I was probably that age that you're talking around

we lived in the country probably on fuck i don't know i have no clue it was acres like we had acres of grass and Like, for your lawn? Or just around your property? Like, our property, I would say, was probably a couple acres, three, four acres. Like, a lawn? Or just, like, brome grass? Well, we had, so we had, like, tree line. Like, we had... Like, a cedar line?

Yeah, we had, like, a big cedar line. So, you pulled in, there was, like, a line of cedars, driveway, and then the driveway, like, looped around this little line of cedars, and then we had a bunch of cedar line so you pulled in there was like a line of cedars driveway and then the driveway like looped around this little line of cedars and then we had a bunch of cedars that went all the way around our property but my dad used to be a cowboy so he was like we had actually drive cattle yeah and so we had well like in like he would like go to rodeos and shit so the whole backyard used to be like pins and sand for that so like the soil was yeah like prime mass soil like what so was it like so it was sandy soil i know out in western like the further west you go the soil like it's pretty sandy yeah my grandma that lives in grand island like pulling weeds in her lawn is

a dream yeah right out well so the thing that made our yard pretty nice was all that sand and then when he was planting the grass he dissed it up well we had a big clay layer so the clay got brought up into the sand so it's like your prime conditions like your sandy clay loams like that perfect what you know you really want so he ended up once he quit rodeoing and all that shit he planted this huge ass area to grass like her whole yard like it was fucking huge so we had two just like ride art rider mowers what were they were they just like um like a tractor style with those yeah yeah not like zero turns like um what's it called mid mid deck what's it called where it's underneath

you yeah i would say it's probably i think they're just called tractors like a track long tractor yeah whatever and so these were like one of them was old enough that like it didn't have a pressure plate on the seat so you had like yeah like pressing like a clutch oh and you like put it in gear and then you just let out of the clutch and you just drive and so me and my brother we split the lawn because we had like so our house and then we had like a big like metal garage and we had like a shed like a pool shed and we had a big above ground pool that we built a deck on and so we would split the yard and one day my dad was at work, my mom was at work, and my siblings were watching me, which this time,

I was like, at this point I was old enough to like, I was riding on the rider and stuff. And we're like, let's build a green. So we built a green. So you went straight to like curve, like golf.

Yeah. Because my brother was a huge golfer growing up so we kind of made it like a deal like we kind of started getting stuff ready um we mowed an area down and then my dad got home and we finally took it all the way down like decent height like it wasn't like but did you step it down like work your way down like decent height like it wasn't like but did you step it down like work your way down or did you know we just fucking scalped it down yeah and so um we built this green and it was just a green for the longest time and then one day my dad was at work and me and my brother were like hey let's build a fucking sand trap because we

had so much sand there so all we had to do was dig a hole so you dug a hole and just dumped a bunch of sand in it no it was already sand like the whole deal was sand so we just dug down yeah we just dug a hole and we made like a deep ass pot bunker it was like probably two foot by like it was two foot deep just all the way around and my dad gets home like he's like what the fuck not really because we had all this yard i was just grass like yeah and it was something that my brother liked my brother like golf i was just getting into golf and so we did that we played on that hole for a while we had mowed down different tee boxes all over our yard and then one day we had this like little wooded area and they just had a bunch of branches and weeds and shit and so we cleaned all that up

and we made that a green so we officially had two greens actual cups actual flags where'd you get the cups and flags from uh the golf course which was in overton that we were members at my dad was a member out there did you like, like, just take old ones? Well, we just, we asked the guy if we could have a couple old flag sticks and that stuff. And then we just got online and ordered some just, like, plain, like, top flags and did that. Bam. What did you cut the cups with? An old cup cutter? We just used a post hole digger

nice so like it wasn't like so they weren't premium it wasn't like um yeah like we didn't have like an actual cup cutter and so then that got that's where i was like, started getting into grass, I guess. And then we had, my dad had this antique, his like great, great grandparents, or maybe it was my mom's great, great grandparents. I don't know. Either side. They had this reel mower, like the old fucking reel mower, still had the wooden handles and

everything. And me and my brother were like. Is that kind of like the one that I got? Yeah. From Lena's parents? Just like the same concept, but like not metal handles. Just even older. Yeah.

And we're like, let's fucking mow with this. How far down could you set it? It was no moving it. So I think it was, it wasn't much like like like our riders could get lower oh but like you couldn't adjust because it was so rusty because it sat outside this red shed by our pool area for so yeah so we're like well let's just shoot a little wd-40 in there because we were just country kids that just had access to the fucking really whatever we want as long as we weren't killing each other or fucking doing something real stupid so yeah we did that started moaning

with that a little bit it shit the bed on us like for like two passes but yeah and then we just kind of yeah just had two golf holes in the back of our fucking yard which was pretty sick that's sweet and we used you had enough, you could have made a couple different, like, little par threes. Oh, yeah. We could have probably put, like, three or four holes, probably.

That's sweet. Yeah. Man, I wish I could have had, like, a little bit more country life. Yeah, well, we used our big-ass pool as a water hazard. There you go. We had a tee box.

You got to go over, like, in a little above-ground pool. Yeah, we had... T-Box. You got to go over like in a little above ground pool. Yeah, we had, it was huge. It was probably 40 foot,

probably a 40 foot above ground pool. Pretty sick. Man. The only thing I really did, I never made a golf course, but I,

I mowed baselines like for baseball in my backyard. I'd set the mower down a little bit and I'd mow those baselines because I was a

huge wiffle ball player me and my neighborhood friends we'd get together and play wiffle ball the friend that lived behind us

he had a backyard that spanned the lengths of like three of the backyards so it was like I lived here and then someone

lived here and someone lived here and his backyard was like the length of those three so he had a huge backyard and his dad actually had a lawn care business And then someone lived here and someone lived here. And his backyard was like the length of those three. Oh.

So he had a huge backyard. And his dad actually had a lawn care business. But yeah, we'd always go over to his house. Because he had like a little cement pad here and a trampoline here. Man, I tell you what, that was a shit. Anyways, I think we're getting close to like an hour here. Yeah, I think so. There's a lot more stories I could go into oh yeah

my prodigy turf upbringing yeah I think the next one we'd probably get in a little bit more on how we started yeah I really want to talk about not where our love started not where our love for it started, but where...

Yeah. I've got a ton of stories about LPS. Mainly about just the guy I worked with. And I was even thinking about it today. Like, that'd be sweet to have him on as a guest. But then I was like, he knew how to push my buttons so well that he would embarrass me in front

of not like there's any followers listening to it right now but if we ever got followers yeah I'm fucking embarrassed my ass in front of the universe and you know no remorse and just fucking make it public I guess we should have probably thought of an outro before we started this. It was a good talk, bro. Good talk. Catch you at the next one. Beer was good.

Beer is cold. Graston. Out. Out. will remain. And I'll be back again, and again, and again, and again, and again,

and again. That was pretty good.