Gutfeld! Monologues - 107 Days

Episode Date: August 2, 2025

As seen on Gutfeld!, Kamala Harris goes on Colbert to sell her new book about her failed presidential campaign. Greg mocks Colbert and Kamala for pretending everything is so terrible with Donald Trump as president. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I haven't gotten a hand like that since I robbed that grave. It's Friday, so you know what that means. Let's welcome tonight's guest. We have them on Fridays, so you have the weekend to forget about him.

Fox and Friends first co-host Todd Pyro. Fans who see his act always demand reparations. Comedian Sharad Small. His stand-up shows are always packed. with crickets. Writer and comedian Joe DeVito. And if she talked any faster,

her fillings would melt. Co-host have outnumbered Emily Campano. All right. Before we get to some news stories, let's do this. Greg's Leftovers. It's Leftovers,

where I read the jokes we didn't use this week, and as always, it's my first time reading them. So if they suck, will dress Joe Mackey up as a nanny and send him to Kamala's house. Thank you. Yesterday, New York Governor Kathy Hokel declared a state of emergency

in NYC due to severe flooding. Still not sure if it was caused by the rain or this man's tears. Oh, all right. Speaking of, last night, Kamala Harris was on Colbert's show and told Stephen that, quote, growing up, she never wanted to be the president. Hmm. See, kids, sometimes dreams do come true. Kamala says one of her favorite quotes is from her mother, quote, don't let people tell you who you are. Instead, tell them who you are. Her least favorite quote,

By the way, you're adopted. Liz Warren fell down on the Senate floor yesterday and to everyone surprised, didn't even yell Geronimo. Her new Indian name is fall on ass. Speaking, President Trump said even the Indians want the name the Redskins back. He followed up by saying it's just a matter of if, when,

or how. A new study shows that taking Ozempic can prevent erectile dysfunction. Here's how it works. If your wife is fat and takes Osempic, in a few months, you no longer have erectile dysfunction.

I'm sorry. Whokesters are slamming American Eagle ads that say Sidney's Sweeney has great genes because it promotes eugenics. They also attacked Lays Potato Chips motto, which is, Betcha Can't Eat Just One, for taunting fat chicks. That's two. No more. But in response to the American Eagle ad, Abercrombie and Fitch launched a new jeans commercial with plus-sized women, which raised concerns among viewers who panicked that someone had eaten Sidney-Sweeney. I worry.

The FBI is asking the public for any information regarding the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa. Some conspiracy theorists think he might have been consumed by an Abercrombian Fitch model. That's poor. Thursday was National Orgasm Day. I'm so tired of these fake holidays. Damn. I feel dirty. Trump is bringing back the presidential fitness test for public schools.

Teachers are excited because it means students will have much better stamina during sex. Wow. Side to say, embarrassment can actually be good for you and help you connect better with others. Even more, being an embarrassment can get you a morning show. I saw that one. A notorious axe murderer who killed his entire family was released from prison thanks to a law backed by Tim Waltz. According to Tim, he was probably just on his period. A Spirit Airlines passenger claims she wasn't allowed to fly after getting cosmetic surgery.

She was allowed back on once she checked her face with baggage. Terrible. And finally, as a result of that huge Russian quake, several whales were washed ashore in Japan. Let me finish. Experts were amazed that they made it this far from home. All right. Terrible.

Just terrible. All right. We'll be back with more Gutfeld. Did you know that at Chevron, you can fuel up on unbeatable mileage and savings? With Chevron rewards, you'll get 25 cents off per gallon on your next five visits. All you have to do is download the Chevron app and join to start saving on fuel. Then you can keep fueling up on other things like adventure, memories, vacations, daycations, quality time, and so many other possibilities. Head to your nearest Chevron station to fuel up and get rewarded today.

Terms apply. See Chevron Texcicalrewards.com for more details. A lot of a long time. So Kamala Harris went on Colbert last night. It was one reject consoling another. It felt like Tim Waltz giving himself a pep talk in the ladies' room mirror. It was Kamala's first interview since her brutal election lost. But I wonder, is she there to sell a book?

I talk about it in the book. What I talk about in the book. So this book, I talk about it in the book. I hope by writing this book, there's a lot of personal stuff in the book. I talk about that extensively in the book. Remember, I talked about it in a hundred and seven days. You have to read the book. Again?

Read the book. I know. Read the book. We all going to read the book. Got to read the book to find out most of the answers. Wow. Yeah, the book is about our campaign. It's called 107 Days.

You can find it in bookstores between Mitt Romney's March to the White House and the Ford Pinto, America's Classic. Her publisher compares the book to Rocky, not because it's inspiring, but because each sentence gives you a concussion. I wonder, is there a lot of personal stuff in this book? There's a lot of personal stuff in the book. I mean, poor Dougie. You're blowing the lid off of Doug? What's going on?

For example, my birthday is in October. The election's in November. You see where I'm going. And Dougie kind of dropped the ball up my big birthday. You didn't get you anything? Oh, you have to read the book. Now, we really have no idea what Dougie drop the ball means. Guess we'll have to wait for the nanny to write her tell-all.

But I only hope she tells us what's important she thinks in this moment where people have become so deflating. It's important, I think, that in this moment where people have become so deflated and despondent and afraid, and afraid, that those of us who have the ability, which I do right now, to talk with folks and remind them of their power. I just want to put a fine point on this. You can never let anybody take your power from you. You can never let anybody take your power from you. I hate to tell you. It kind of did take your power away. It's the whole reason you're sitting in that crappy chair and Trump is relieving himself in a toilet made of gold.

But the interview is amazing for giving you a glimpse of an alternate universe. where misery is redefined as joyful and the winner is still a monster. In the extended interview posted online, Colbert long for better days before Trump kicked her ass because less than a year ago, things were very joyful.

Just less than a year ago, things were very joyful. There was actually a lot of hope associated with your campaign. And there was a lot of promise that we might actually not only keep this absolute barbarian out of the White House.

But also, we might actually make progress as a country. What country is he talking about? Inflation is down. Our border is secure, and he's out of a job. Yeah, what a nightmare. How can we possibly? How can we possibly go on? I haven't seen two people look more down in the dumps than when I left those

two Siamese twins at the altar. That makes four, two Siamese twins, but never mind. Of course, Kamala was right there with him spinning her sad tale. I believe, and I always believed, that as fragile as our democracy is, our systems would be strong enough to defend our most fundamental principles. And I think right now that they're not as strong as they need to be. And I just don't want to, for now, I don't want to go back in the system. Well, that's a shame.

But don't worry, Kamala, there's quite a lucrative ecosystem awaiting even the losers, if you're a Democrat. Book deals, speaking engagements, reality shows on Netflix. And it's hard to have sympathy when you're already somehow plugging a new book. I mean, she actually broke Kilmead's land speed record for turning out a book written at a fourth grade level. I'm just shocked it's not called bartending for dummies. So as Colbert's shows canceled, he doubles down

on what got him axed. Therapy, not comedy. But while Colbert interviews a loser, Jimmy Fallon invites a winner. Yes, I'll be appearing on the Tonight Show next Thursday. It's the biggest crossover. Thank you. It's the biggest crossover since the Harlem Globetrotters visited the Golden Girls. That was a good episode. Yeah, and B. Arthur hit a triple double.

It looks like I'll be on with the Jonas Brothers, which is great. I haven't seen him in a while. A lot of people don't know this, but I was one of the original members. Until they booted me out for being too hot. But it should be fun. Fallon seems like a great genuine guy who wants to make people laugh instead of putting them to bed

angrier than the view at a salad bar. And unlike the other guys, Jimmy's sitting with me proves he's not afraid of upsetting his peers or afraid of my mesmerizing charm. Remember, he was destroyed for humanizing Trump by messing up his hair.

The angry mob wanted a brutal takedown, but Jimmy did something different. He had fun, which is criminal. to the liberal hive mind. And so Fallon was eviscerated, an example of the media teaching everyone a lesson that if you dare humanize Hitler

will dehumanize you. But it's a different time now. Things are changing. Maybe we can have fun with each other even if politically we're different. And if he wants to run his fingers through my hair, I will not complain. After all, the last time he did that,

the guy became president. Listen, and. free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad free on the Amazon Music app. This is Jimmy Phala, inviting you to join me for Fox Across America, where we'll discuss every single one of the Democrats' dumb ideas. Just kidding. It's only a three-hour show. Listen live at noon Eastern or get the podcast at foxacrossamerica.com.