Gutfeld! Monologues - A Story In Five Words: Bachelor Parties Are No More

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

As seen on Gutfeld!, Co-host of FOX & Friends and the Host of The Brian Kilmeade Show, Brian Kilmeade, Actor & Comedian, Jamie Lissow, Former Deputy National Security Advisor, K.T. McFarland and Co-host of the Tyrus and Timpf podcast, Kat Timpf discuss their expectations, or lack thereof, for 2023. Later, the panel weighs in on the decline in bachelor parties. Follow Greg on Twitter: @GregGutfeld Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. Here he is. Let's welcome tonight's guess. He's on our first show of the year, so we can get it out of the way. Host of One Nation and co-host of Fox and France, Brian, please kill me. He's open for more A-listers than Storm. Daniels. Actor, writer,

and comedian Jamie Lissau. I thought that was funny. She's written more speeches than Joe Biden's stolen. Former Deputy National Security Advisor KT. McFarland. And finally, she's like January, cold, dark, and arrives with a giant credit card bill. Fox News contributor, Katowler. Brian, I have a two-prong question for you. The first prong is your resolution going to be to spend even less time with your family?

Right, so. And the second prong is, are you as optimistic as I am about 2023? You can answer the prongs in any order you like. Second? Yes. Can I consult? Yeah, yeah, no. Jamie, should I go first prong?

I would go right for the second prong. Second prong. Second prong. Yes, okay. Second prong. Yes. I love the optimism. I can't believe it's you. You are not an optimistic guy by nature.

Did the prompter tell you what to do, or did you tell the prompter what to do? That's the bigger story. I think this, it's true cancel culture, is coming to a close. We're out of people to cancel. We're beginning to get off the mat. We're beginning to take action. But guys like Jimmy Kimmel and others still going after people, is by spending most of his teens and 20s in blackface.

Right. So I find it unbelievable. I think most people are looking into their closet and going, I better shut up now because I can't live in the world I created. So that's my second problem. The first prime again, Jamie, do you remember the first one? Resolution. Resolution.

You can be on TV more or less, spend less time with the family, that so-called family that we never see. Less. And it was by their request. Yeah. They're like, when I come in, they're like, there's no show. You're like, why he's home so soon? Daddy's always on Saturday.

There's a reason for Daddy being always on TV. So, Jamie, do you know that we changed years in Alaska, or is there a time lag? We change years. We're what were five total years behind. Okay. Because of right now. Are you as optimistic as I am? Are you cautiously optimistic?

I'm cautiously optimistic because I feel like we've been optimistic before and maybe got, you know, things didn't turn out exactly. the way we wanted them to, but I think this is the year. I really do. Don't you kind of think it's the year? And look at it. I mean, Biden administration, by the way, loves New Year's Eve. I heard when they counted down when they got to zero, they were like, interest rates haven't gone up at all this year. And then they were like, there's been no murders this year. And then Biden was like, I haven't my pants once this.

Oh, man. It was a good run. But I had a good New Year's. I'm not allowed to drink. I don't know if you know that. It's always like a, I used to beat bat. Like, if you're a guy, you've ever been so drunk, you're lying on your back looking at cloud formations, like trying to figure out what they look like or whatever. And then you realize you're inside and your house is on fire.

I was like, that one looks just like a fireman. But I really am optimistic, though. It's going to be a good year. You know, it could be the year that you meet that special someone, Jamie. It could be. I just got to raise the funds. KT, are you optimistic? I mean, my theory is it can't get worse.

Oh, I think it gets worse. It gets worse. Oh, yeah. In what ways will it get worse? Well, the economy gets worse. So we have inflation. We're going to have an absolute crisis with China at some point in the year. The southern border is, we've now turned it over to drug cartels.

This is why I eliminated this from my monologue. Oh, no, no, no. I'm glad you brought this up. I had China and the border in my monologue. I said, no, it doesn't work. I'll just get rid of it. Right. And then you come on here and you throw it back in my face.

Absolutely rain on your parade. No, I think it gets worse. But then I think ultimately it gets better. You have to go through the fire in order to... You have to have a burning platform before the American people say, okay, I've had enough. We thought they had enough at the election in this past election. But they obviously didn't. And so I think it gets worse.

We have a real recession. and we have inflation and we have, you know, the homeless thing is bad, the drug thing is bad, the China thing is bad, who knows? Maybe we have a bigger war with Russia. And then I think the American people say, okay, I've had enough. This is over. Could it be our culture has changed so much that we are so separated that a lot of the things you mentioned don't affect a lot of people like homelessness, only the people in the cities are talking about that. So it's, and then we're in door, people don't pay attention. They don't even know that China owns TikTok. You know, that's right. But if you're in the, in the, in the,

fly over the states, you're dealing with fentanyl. And you're in the states where people are leaving the city. That's not a city problem as much as it's a rural problem. So I think the problems are all over. I just don't think it's bad enough to force you. You are a sunshiny rainbow. Yeah, well, no, but then it's... Thank God you're all dressed in black.

You're the grim reaper. I'm ready for the film. We bet before the show could you kill Kilmead? Are you trying to get money for your go-fund me thing? Could do that. So, Kat, are you optimistic? No. No, why not?

Yeah, I always, you know, you pretend to be pessimistic, but. Well, I don't know. I think something bad's going to happen. I just don't think we know what it's going to be yet. Because I'm not good with optimism or, like, high hopes. So to avoid needlessly, needlessly worrying, what I do is just, like, remind myself how many of the traumatic things in my life were also complete surprises. Right, that's true.

Right? Like, don't worry, it's going to be okay. More like, don't worry, you will never see it coming. Yeah, you don't wait. The things that keep you up at night are never the things that you. No, you always worry for nothing, but then you don't worry when you should have. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so something real bad's going to happen.

None of us, we cannot even imagine. We don't know yet, so we shouldn't worry about it. Yeah, think of that, Jamie. I've never been so worried about everything. What's going on? But I think, no, I think it's, I've got a positive message, at least indulge my positive message. Well, I'm still sitting here. Yes.

How was your New Year's Eve? It was fun. I went to Julie Band Harris's. Wow. I wasn't invited to that either. Yeah. Well, I can understand you being not invited. But I have a hit show, you know? Right. I have two hit shows. I should have been invited twice.

So you forget, I have the radio show. Fox and Friends were a really successful member Saturday night, but I don't want to slow you down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know what? No one watches that crap. Right. You mean your old slot on Saturday? All right. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. Did you know that at Chevron, you can fuel up on Saturday? on unbeatable mileage and savings? With Chevron Rewards, you'll get 25 cents off per gallon

on your next five visits. All you have to do is download the Chevron app and join to start saving on fuel. Then you can keep fueling up on other things, like adventure, memories, vacations, daycations, quality time, and so many other possibilities. Head to your nearest Chevron station

to fuel up and get rewarded today. Terms apply. See Chevron Texcores.com for more details. The best coast just got better. Introducing Quantum of the Seas sailing from L.A. this fall. Conquer next level thrills on the boldest ship in the west, like flowrider surf sessions, bumper cars, and soaring 300 feet above sea level on the North Star.

Plus more than 15 dining options on board. All between discoveries in Ensenada and even overnights in Cabo. You've never done Mexico like this. Book your Boulder Baja adventure from Los Angeles today. Come seek the Royal Caribbean. Itineraries vary by sale date. Ships Registry Bahamas. Story in Five Words.

Five words story. Bachelor parties are no more. I think that's five. All right, Brian. Poll finds that 65% of people believe Bachelor and Bachelorette parties should be an opportunity for the bride and groom to relax instead of party. Did you have a bachelor party? You seem like somebody who would and then something horrible happened.

And then you had to swear everybody to secrecy. If you just wanted to do a pre-interview like every other show, you wouldn't have to just assume things. Tell me what happened, Brian. I was stunned. I mean, if you think about it, bachelor party, if you want a bachelor party that gets out of control, you probably shouldn't be getting married. And I think this is another example building on the theme of this show that life is going in the right direction for America. Because now we're saying, listen, you're about to get married. Your life's about to change. What about one weekend just hanging out with your same-sex friends?

No, you're going to do that for the rest of your life, Mo, without the woman or the guy. Just be alone? No. Be alone with a mountain of porn, you pervert. Where do you get these ideas from? Just you. Idea bin of sickness? You know, they say a great interviewer listens to his guest.

You do the opposite. I say things and he says a total difference. I'm going to, next time I'm going to just say pass. That would be awesome. It'd be like that show. I think it was called Password. That's good. Thank you, Alan.

It found that two in five people think Bachelor and Bachelor parties are more memorable than the wedding. Yeah. You can fill in the question there with an insult. Like, do you agree with your wedding being it was so forgetful to your wife? I get it now. I wanted you to take part in the question asking experience. I swear, though, not to go the other way with this, but it kind of makes me sad that they would get rid of bachelor at parties. but, to be fair, my family owns a penis straw factory.

Those are the only places you see them. There's not a huge demand for penis straws except for Bachelorette parties. That's a huge market for us. Yeah, or stupid, yeah, yeah, exactly. And I don't, I'm with, for real, though, I'm with Kilmey. Like, I don't think they should do Bachelor parties,

bachelor parties. I think it's bad for the marriage. And if you love someone, you wouldn't do it. I will admit, my, I did have a bachelor party, bachelor party in Alaska. worst place to have a stripper. We hired her. She was hourly,

and by the time she got her snow pants off, we were out of money. You're the only person who could make snow pants funny. Snow pants. A stripper in snow pants, KT. I bet you get this a lot being in the Navy. Yeah. I know you're thinking it's almost over.

This is so fun. Did you have a Bachelorette party? No, I had a lunch. Oh, that's good. At the White House. It was at the White House. Really? Wow.

I can't beat that. I usually have a lunch at Arby's. But the White House doesn't have curly fries, so I think. Oh, they actually, they have very nice fries. Well, at least they did in Republican administrations. Democrats are probably having sweet potato fries that are, you know, air fried, not in actual. Do you, do you, are you pro or, uh, the opposite of pro? Well, my marriage has been for almost 40 years.

Not pro. God. But? I've been married almost 40 years, so I guess ours worked. Yes, there you go. 40 years. You know, last time I had lunch at a restaurant, I saw Brian working out in there. Working or working?

I made a mistake. I meant to say Planet Fitness. Okay. Okay. Don't encourage us. Oh, my God. That's so funny. And for you to turn on me,

I make one mistake. Oh, yes. Yes. Just one, Brian. Two more. You could be National Security Advice. I guess I can. Did you have a bachelor party?

I can't remember. No. That's good. Not other than the 10 years before I met my husband. I said this before, I will say it again. If you didn't take care of or take advantage of your single years before you got married drinking out of a penis straw next to your cousin is not going to solve that.

Nobody likes. If you're in a bar where there's a bachelor party or a bachelor's party going, nobody else in that restaurant or bar thing likes you. And you're in this bubble thinking, I love you, Vic, and everybody's hugging each other. Everybody else wants to stab you. I might have one now, though. It's too late. You know, I have it at the Planet Fitness.

Because everybody at Planet Fitness is over at Planet Hollywood. Which is out of business, but I want to slow you guys down. You know, you should go jogging at the Rainforest Cafe. Every time it thunders, I get scared. Oh, my God. We're out of time. Thanks to Brian Kilmey. K-T. McFarland.

Jamie Lissau. Catch his act. Cat tips. You're on it. Listen ad free. with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon Music app. It's the Will Kane Show.

Watch it live at noon Eastern, Monday through Thursday on Fox News.com or on the Fox News YouTube channel. And don't miss a show. Get the podcast five days a week at Fox Newspodcasts.com or wherever you download your favorite podcasts.