Gutfeld! Monologues - Are Voters Disgusted Because Cohen Can't Be Trusted?

Episode Date: May 18, 2024

As seen on Gutfeld!, Campus Reformer, Nicholas Giordano, FOX News Contributor Kat Timpf, Host of The Wise Men Podcast Tyrus, and Comedian Jim Norton discuss whether or not former Trump attorney Michael Cohen should be considered a reliable witness.   Plus, Gutfeld sounds off on DEI and HR policies. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. All right. All right. I know. I know, I know. I love me too. I love me too. Hashtag. Happy Tuesday, everyone. Let's get started. This week is National Brain Injury Awareness Week, or as Joe calls it, every week.

Former White House Press Secretary Jen Sacky is under fire for claiming Joe Biden didn't check his watch during the memorial services for soldiers killed during the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan in 2021. She was right. Joe Biden wasn't checking his watch. He was just surprised at that. those weird things at the end of his arms called hands. Sarmie Daniels actually wear a bulletproof vest to Donald Trump's hush money trial, which is weird because she's used to taking shots to the face. We ain't playing tonight. But to make her feel at home,

a member of her security detail saw the vest and crumpled a $20 bill into it. Four years after Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his VP, he's still mispronouncing her name. It's contagious. He said Kamala instead of moron. But you can't blame him. He's used to calling her the help.

Damn. Oh. But you know, experts say in order to remember a name, you should say the name more. Repetition helps you get better at things, which is why Joe is so good at falling. Walmart has decided to close all 51 of its health clinics. Damn.

Now I'll have to get my prostate checked at Ace Hardware. Don't laugh. They carry drain snakes. A CNN fluff piece claimed that Megan Markle visited Nigeria as a duchess and left an African princess. It's true. She already sent me an email asking for money. Yesterday, Red Lobster abruptly closed more than 50 of its seafood restaurants across the country. As a result, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline received dozens of phone calls from the same number. Researchers say having higher testosterone could add years to a man's life.

Yeah. In a related story, Randy Weingarten says she wants to work until 2085. Meanwhile, men with low levels of testosterone are 10% more likely to die than men within normal range. Well, guess who just has days to live? All right. Monologue time. The board of trustees at the University of North Carolina, Chappell Hill, just voted to defund their diversity, equity, and inclusion program. I know.

Defund. I love when their own rhetoric comes back to bite him in their fat asses. $2.3 million in UNC funds will be moved from that leftist boondoggle to campus police and public safety efforts. That's right. Policing. They're refunding the police. So suck on that, commies. The only way it would sting even more is if they threw a few grand toward a barbecue and beer fest for the frat fellas who saved old glory. Get a lot of a fraud. But it's great news for students who want a good education and bad news for blue-aird blobs and race hustlers who want easy paychecks.

CNN might hire them. Hell, I mean, they were dumb enough to hire Gail King. Unnecessary. And that's just the next step. One month after the entire UNC's system of schools moved to repeal and replace their DEI policy. UNC's move comes in the wake of anti-Semitic riots on their campus and other colleges across the country. Where spoiled brats culturally appropriated scarves from Arabs and tents from lesbians. So did these colleges do this to themselves, you think? Did their maniacal focus on race produce an entire generation of bigots who are now unemployable assholes?

Well, does Joy Behar in the woods? The same thing is happening at the Massachusetts Institution of Technology. or MIT, Kat, which is no longer requiring diversity statements from prospective employees, although they still have to be virgins, nerds. As MIT President Sally Kornbluth put it, compelled statements impinge on freedom of expression and they don't work. Well, thanks, Sally. Where have you been the past 10 years? I've known that forever and I'm not smart enough to get into DeVry. much less your nerd factory. It looks like Sally got the message.

Remember, she's the only prez to survive the congressional butt kicking from Elise Stefanik, where former honchos from you, Penn, and Harvard couldn't identify anti-Semitism if it grew a tiny mustache and invaded Poland. So the backlash is growing, and it's revealing more than Lizzo

after a trip to Victoria's Secret. I approve that photo. But we now see that DEI was just a camouflaged racist revenge plot. If you look like the people from the past were told to hate, now we're going to punish you for it. It's just an old bigotry cloaked as progress. But I hate to remind the kids who think they know history, Congress passed a law called the Civil Rights Act of 1964. That's back when Pelosi still had feeling in her face. And it forbade discrimination on the basis of sex and race in hiring, promoting, and firing.

See, DEI actually reversed that, and we weren't supposed to notice, but we did. That's why, as the Washington Post points out, a lot of companies are removing all references to DEI, including Coles, Eli Lilly, Starbucks, and Coors. And as Anheuser-Bushes learned, Americans just want to... not a lecture to come with it, especially if the broad doing the finger wagging also wags a penis. And whether students know it or not, this trend is going to help them because companies won't hire the enemy. No one wants to hire a fresh Columbia law grad bathed in DEI-8, just as you wouldn't throw a live grenade into your own barracks. Plus, it's nice to know that you were hired for your talent, experience, and skill.

not because you look like a plus-size model from a Benetton ad. And it's also great news for companies. The hiring pool just got deeper and wider than Stormy Daniels lies. Stormy Daniels lies. You can now hire the most competent applicant and not worry about hiring a brainwashed Marxist who thinks two plus two equals racist. I can rest. But there are holdouts.

One group, the Society for Human Resource Management, thinks just moving the letters DEI around will do the trick. They replace the term DEI with IED. Yes, IED. What's that normally stand for? Improvised explosive device. Great marketing, guys. IED.

I guess STD was already taken. But it's actually closer to the truth than they realize. Leave an IED out of school or in work and it'll blow the whole place up. But when a society focused on human resources thinks you solve a problem by hiding it, it's time maybe to rethink human resources.

Just move some letters around? Okay, let's do it for you. From now on, human resources becomes each user mourns. All right. Smattering. This is smattering. But sorry, guys, even if P. Diddy changed his name to D. P. Ditty. Nothing's changed. He's still going by person of interest.

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Fast free delivery. It's on Prime. It's on Prime. No, this isn't a hair club for men, infomercial. He's the second bald guy on tonight's panel. Campus to reform higher education fellow Nicholas Gordano. She's like a sunflower, thin, colorful, and plucked from abandoned lots. New York Times bestselling author and Fox News contributor kept him.

He's sizable, recognizable, and messing with him is inadvisable. another comedian and former NWA World Pennsylvania. What a deal. Let me go to you first, Tyrus. On day two of testimony, Cohen admitted to pressuring Stormy Daniels to lie about the hush money. He also admitted to misleading the Federal Election Commission

about the payment. And he also kind of came off as a spurned lover that he was obsessed, obsessed with Donald Trump. And when Donald Trump, now he didn't say this, but he didn't get a position in the government, government. He turned on him and started meeting with investigators while he was in prison. What do you make of all this? It's confusing because it was fashionable to be the side bitch. You know what I'm saying? He was the side lawyer. He was the side lawyer, which means he got all the,

he just wasn't allowed to come to the house in front of the family. Yes. You know what I'm saying? It was, and if you can't tell this is a love story. Yes, it is a love too hard and Trump used him to file some paperwork, which again, the president made a mistake because when you, when they go back and forth, and this is where I've got to kind of go out to the president a little bit, you tell us how terrible he was, and he's telling you how terrible you are. But y'all worked together for a long time. So the attacking, I think, just isn't working. And I can't wait for the jury to come out because I love to hear how his testimony was riveting. And it was just, at some point, someone just give him a box of tissues. Look to president in the eyes,

but you broke my heart. I was up all night. My bags were packed. I had already told my friends that I had an office at the White House. I got my kids' White House, dad, t-shirts. You've ruined, and not ruined, ruined everything. You broke my heart. And that's why I'm here.

And then we get it. But the jury's going to come back and the verdict, I can tell you right now, word for word, what the verdict's going to be. The jury's going to come up, they're going to hand the bailiff,

and he's going to go, jury comes back with what the . We don't know. Kat, do you sometimes wish that you had someone that cared about you the way Cohn cared about Trump? He admitted to lying out of loyalty in order to protect him. I do have someone like that. I'm sorry that you don't. He does, Gus. Yeah, Stormy's attorney saying that he thought he was going to kill himself because he didn't get the job.

That's a meltdown that I can picture. Yeah. I can see the flurry of text messages that were being said. And it's also, like, the guy's a convicted perjurer. I mean, this is their big witness. It's just none of it makes sense. It's gone on for so long. And to me, it's so remarkable how something involving, you know,

sex and power and betrayal is this boring at the end of the day. And they don't even know the charge yet. They don't even know the charge yet. It's about an entry into an expense, a legal expense. Oh, I thought you were going somewhere else with that. Oh. logging in a legal expense that they couldn't do it any other way because there was no way to do it. So there's actually no...

I haven't heard them talking about that. No. They haven't. Nicholas, have you been following this? You better. But it's like he's a known perjurer. How can anybody take him seriously? This is all a vendetta.

Well, I've been following this closely, and I'm starting to think that the district attorney Alvin Bragg is really a closet maga supporter. How else do you explain this trial? It's completely ridiculous. Everyone sees what it is, that you're using the weight of government to target one person that you dislike. But I do have to give a thank you because I've been teaching nearly 20 years, and I never thought I'd be able to bring porn stars into the classroom and talk about that. I got Hunter Biden and his crack in sex addiction, who done it with the cocaine in the White House.

I mean, politics in 2024 has gotten really interesting. The only thing I wish is that this trial was televised. I think that would add a new element to it where we'd. We could watch it on TV, but I'm starting to think that at first it was maybe a hung jury. Now I'm starting to think that the jury may actually, a New York jury, only Democrats could do this. A New York jury actually goes with a not guilty verdict based on what we've heard. Yeah, I mean, there could be an opportunity that it doesn't even go to a jury. I heard Jonathan Turley say that before he left for work.

Shouldn't have said that. Oh, he's going to kill me. All right, Jim, what say you? What's the comedy world thinking right now? What's going on in the comedy brain? That's a great non-humiliating way to ask, right? Thank you, right? I don't, it's so funny.

I think Michael Cohen is probably telling the truth, but I don't care. I absolutely don't care about this crap at all. I don't care if he did it. He should have had sex with her. He did. He lied. I don't trust any president that gets caught cheating on his wife

and immediately goes, you got me? Like, that's not a negotiator. I don't care at all if he, I don't care if he had sex with her and wiped her back off of the classified document. There's nothing to do. And I wouldn't care if Biden did it. I don't care who these guys have sex with. If they have to lie because they get busted, it is a non-issue. It's a waste of everybody's time.

Yes. Went from top secret to top. secretion. But either way, he declassified it. Yes. Oh, beautiful. All right. Out of time.

Thank you, Jim Norton, English, Gordano, Gatt Tim, Tyrus, our studio audience, and audiences, Adam, Jimmy, James, got a good guy, got a lot. Podcasts plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon Music app. Listen to the all-new Brett Bear podcast featuring Common Ground, in-depth talks with lawmakers from opposite sides of the aisle, along with all your Brett Bear favorites like his All-Star panel and much more.

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