Gutfeld! Monologues - Because You're Worth It

Episode Date: August 23, 2025

As seen on Gutfeld!, Cracker Barrel woke?! Christopher Reeve would've opposed Trump?!, also Greg gives his takes on Joe Biden and John Bolton. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. Thank you. Thank you. And don't forget, after-party at Hannity's house. Just show yourself in. It's Friday, so you know what that means. Let's welcome tonight's guest. He wears sunscreen during full moons. Fox News contributor, Tom Shaloo. If you say Southern Comfort three times, she turns into a waffle house. Co-host of the bottom line of Fox Business taking it down. I file noise complaints, hoping he'll come over. Fox News contributor Paul Morrow.

And she's currently writing a children's book called Green Eggs and Monetary Policy. Before we get to some news stories, let's do this. Breggs, leftovers. Leftovers, where I read the jokes we did use this week, and as always, it's my first time reading them. So if they suck, we'll paint Joe Mackey's naked body as a rocking chair and send him to the cracker barrel. Seems like more of a reward than a punishment.

Anyway, Cracker Barrel is being called Woke after removing an old white guy from their logo. Even worse, unceremoniously getting rid of an old white guy has them being compared to Kamala Harris. Documentary filmmakers said that if actor Christopher Reeve were alive today, he would have opposed Trump and voted for Harris. Huh. Two can play at this.

game. If he were alive today, Joe Biden would also have definitely voted for Trump. Speaking of Joe, a spokesperson for Joe Biden who publicly defended his mental fitness said he only spoke to Biden four times in two years while he was in office. And worse, they were via Ouija board. The FBI raided the home of former national security advisor John Bolton. Bolton investigating the handling of classified information. Bolton wasn't detained, but agents did find a treasure trove of stolen files buried in his mustache. The state of New York has filed 10 criminal charges against a man who threw a green dildo onto the floor of a WNBA game. Ten charges. For punishment, he has to watch a WNBA game.

Kamala Harris announced she will kick off a 15-city tour to promote her new memoir. It was supposed to be one city until she found out she could drink on the bus. Texas Democrat Nicole Collier compared fleeing the state to avoid the redistricting vote to black people fleeing slavery. Yeah, that reminds me when I lost my hat. It was just like 9-11. Never forget. Boston Mayor Michelle Wu featured a live mariachi ban before her presser to defend illegal immigration.

What's next, Wu, having a lesbian appreciation rally at a Home Depot parking lot? Big it. Thanks to Trump's crime crackdown in D.C., the city had no murders at all this week. To prevent this drop from continuing, Democrats are bringing in the big guns. Murders are flat, but suicides mysteriously explode.

Pope Leo announced he's asking for the faithful to refrain from eating on Friday. In a related story, five women just claim they're atheists. An online video of former Saved by the Bell star Tiffany Amber Theson eating carrot cake while apparently naked has gone viral.

Your move, Chris Christie. We'll be back with more Gutfeld. is fast. How fast are we talking? We're talking puzzle toys and look pad delivered so fast you can get this puppy under control. Fast. We're talking chew toys at your door without really waiting fast. P-pads, cooling mat and peghammer, fast and fast and there's training T-R-E-A-T-S faster than you can take sit fast. And now we can all relax and order these matching hoodies to get cozy and cute. Fast.

Fast free delivery. It's on Prime. Remember him? He called out his wife, Connie Chung, for a romance she had with a member of the Eagles. Worse, it wasn't the band. It was the predatory bird. Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker signed a bill to give student aid, student financial aid, to illegals. But only, and only if they get a degree at the Betty Crocker State. Taylor Swift announced her new album will come out on October 3rd. It's no surprise. 10 3, 10 minus 3, 7.

The FDA is warning consumers not to eat frozen shrimp from Walmart because it may contain radioactive material. Also, because it's frozen shrimp from Walmart. Yeah. Finally, triple-digit temps are expected to bake Southern California causing elevated fire conditions. Experts worry that if it gets any hotter, Courtney, Chloe, and Kim will melt into one giant Kardashian. All right, let's do a little monologue. So the show Business Industry Magazine, known as Variety, has asked a provocative question.

Quote, as fascism takes hold in the U.S., how will and should the TV landscape depict our real-life horrors? Well, did I say provocative? I meant stupid. That's the dumbest question I've heard since Jesse Waters asked me, what's it like to have friends? The writer Michael Schneider argues that films and TV shows need to chronicle the current state of the world, so the public will understand. this quick plunge into fascism that we're all witnessing. Yeah, we're all witnessing. Talk about beginning with a false presumption that apparently variety assumes is real.

But it's as real as Dylan Mulvaney's cameltoe. Wow. Sometimes they hit. He claims, quote, our rights are under attack. Speech is threatened. Healthcare slashed. Our standing on the world stage destroyed. Ice violently arresting people without cause. Military forces being moved into our cities. Books being banned. National institutions being destroyed on and on. You got that? Talk about beaming in from another planet. This guy's so far removed from reality. He probably thinks every stripper wants to date him. Fact is, left-wing fantasies can't compete with the real world anymore. So here's a line-by-line rebuttal of Mike's drivel. He says our rights are continually under attack,

and that's why you can demand more shows that criticize the government. If you tried criticizing a truly authoritarian regime, you'd be forced to work in the minds while listening to Maroon 5 until you wished for death's merciful release. Are speech threatened? Thanks to Elon buying Twitter, it's never been easier for regular people to be heard. When the government asks Elon if he'll censor anyone, he always says, hell no, followed by, can I impregnate you? Are health care slashed?

You mean no longer forcing taxpayers to cover mutilating kids or give imprisoned dudes a set of silicone double Ds? Or do you mean illegals being kicked off? the health care that the Dems swore they wouldn't get. Why don't you take it up with the same healthcare pros who banned you from Grandma's funeral, but let mobs honor George Floyd with mass looting? Yeah. Are standing on the world stage destroyed? Dude, this week, the world stood behind Trump before no one in their right mind would get behind Biden. Or even or even downwind from him. A secret police in ICE is violently arresting people

without just cause. Well, case after case, the illegals they call heroes have histories of violence, dealing deadly drugs, and the ultimate crime calling soccer watchable. Military forces are being moved into our cities because they don't support the president. Nope, they've been moved into cities

to protect law-abiding people hung out to dry by their loopy Democrat leaders. D.C. just had its first murder-free week, unless you count the stuffed chipmunk on Maxine Waters' head. Books are being banned. You mean the porn removed from school libraries? Dude, if you're an adult who wants to enjoy some filth, you know where to find it in the shed on Cudlow's property.

Important national institutions are being. destroyed? Like what? The Kennedy Center? It isn't being destroyed unless you're worried that Gene Simmons might drop a destroyer in the restroom. Anyway, I did all that in three minutes, but it teaches you a lesson that no matter how much better things get, this mental anorexia will never leave. You always have these delusional dopes starving themselves of reality to binge on the dystopias they create themselves, then they puke all over us. They think the Handmaid's tale is reality when it's really closer to happy days. So don't let Colbert and Kimmel fool you.

The left's still great at doing comedy. It's now of the unintentional variety. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon music app. Hey, I'm Trey Gowdy, host of the Trag Gowdy. podcast. I hope you will join me every Tuesday and Thursday as we navigate life together and hopefully find ourselves a little bit better on the other side. Listen and follow now at Fox Newspodcast.com.