Gutfeld! Monologues - Biden Resurrected For Ratings

Episode Date: May 3, 2025

As seen on Gutfeld!, Greg pokes fun at former President Joe Biden’s upcoming post-presidency chat on The View. This will be their first ever open casket interview. Plus, he calls out the Dems for historically siding with criminals. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. Before we get to some news stories, let's do this. Greg's leftovers. It's leftovers. Where I read the jokes we didn't use this week, and as always, it's my first time reading them, so if they suck, we'll give Joe Mackie a prostate exam with a nail gun.

Ouch. This week, Congresswoman Ilhan Omar told a reporter for the Daily Caller to F-off. Seriously, Ilhan, do you kiss your brother with that mouth? A company claims are coming out with leather purses made from 66 million-year-old dinosaur DNA. Finally, a purse that matches my face, says one woman. According to court documents,

Illegal immigrant Kilmar Abrago Garcia allegedly bragged that he could kill his wife and get away with it. Well, that's awful. Do you have his number? asked one man. A group. A group of Trenda Aaragua gangbangers spelled out SOS at a Texas detention center.

President Trump responded by hiring a pilot to write this. And you know he will after he sees this. Disney's Star Wars show and or. will introduce lesbian characters to the series. In a related story, they're also introducing the world's first vibrating lightsaber. Yesterday at the International Space Station, the fifth all-female spacewalk took place.

Their first mission, spent six hours looking for someplace to have brunch. Oh, I don't mind waiting. I don't mind waiting. I mind waiting. For the first time of decades, the subway sandwich chain has dwindled to less than 20,000 locations.

As a result, you'll never guess who showed up to work today wearing all black. Speaking of the view, Joe Biden will have his first post-presidency chat on the view. Yeah, they're calling it the first ever open casket interview.

Monday is Cinco de Mayo, which means right about now, technicians are getting ready to lower J.B. Pritzker into a vat of guacamole. Democratic Congressman Shreif and Thanadar, who is trying to impeach President Trump, is facing backlash for once abandoning over 50 monkeys and leaving them in cages. Whoever, one did manage to escape and land on his head. Gavin Newsom claims he only noticed Biden's cognitive decline once during the four years Biden was in office. And that one time was when Biden endorsed Gavin Newsom. According to a new poll, the city with the most STDs in the nation is Detroit. Woo! A new HHS report says gender dysphoria should be treated with therapy, not surgery and hormone.

The therapy? Well, when men say they think they're women, the shrink says, that's crazy. You have a penis. A 91-year-old woman broke the running record for the age group of 90 and above. When asked what inspired her to run so fast, she responded, Andrew Cuomo.

Stay right there. We'll be right back after this. Mint is still $15 a month for premium. wireless. And if you haven't made the switch yet, here are 15 reasons why you should. One, it's $15 a month. Two, seriously, it's $15 a month. Three, no big contracts. Four, I use it. Five, my mom uses it. Are you, are you playing me off? That's what's happening, right? Okay. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Up front payment of $45 for three month plan. Fifteen dollars per month equivalent. New customer offer first three months only, then full price plan options available.

Taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com. So the Dems have this incredible. super power. No matter what the story, they're drawn to the craziest, least popular position. Like moths to a flame, or J.B. Pritzker to the nearest Arbys. Let's start with the Maryland dad. Before you could say Ward Cleaver, they decided he was just a wholesome father of three. We knew it was bullshit, but we had to buy our time and listen to the Dems and the media painting this thug as a Gandhian gang threads. Of course, her narrative blew up in their faces like a gift basket from the Unabomber. We soon learned his wife filed a protective order

against him in 2021, where she said he punched, scratched, and grabbed her. Then it was revealed. She also filed one a year earlier where she said he bragged that he could kill his wife and no one could do anything to him. And if the Dems had their way, he'd be correct. Now there's audio from his wife from 2020,

that same court hearing, pleading for protection. Listen. I opened the door and I was like, help. And then when he heard me, like, he grabbed me from my hair and then he slapped me. And then the neighbor, like, he didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to react. I have pictures of the evidence, like, all the bruises. Because even on Wednesday, he hit me, like, around, like, three in the morning.

He would just wake up and, like, hit me. And then last Saturday for my daughter's birthday party, before I went to my daughter's birthday party, he slapped me three times. And then last week I did call the police. My sister called the police because he hit me in front of my sister. Hmm. I wonder how Senator Van Hollen would feel about his brunch date now if that was his daughter. Great work, Dems. You really are the party of women. But only if they're men first. Like the Kansas City dude, Owen McIntyre arrested for firebombing a Tesla dealership. He was released after his lawyer claimed he needed gender affirming care. Sadly, that gender affirming care doesn't mean a kick in the balls. He's still facing charges, but instead of sitting in jail, he's home with mom and dad.

Something you or me would never be granted if we did the crime. I got to hand it to these X-Men. They know how to transition from criminal to victim. So what's next? A musical and about an accused murderer? Funny, you should ask. And San Fran, a new musical based on the alleged United Healthcare CEO murderer, debuts next month.

It's being described as irreverent. Although the family of Brian Thompson, Luigi's victim, they might disagree. But the left now sees the killer as an accidental folk hero. The show sold out. So one has to wonder, will their next musical be about Abrago Garcia? I can already imagine the songs. Killar! Oh, what a guy in the blink of an eye.

He's a star who won't lead us astray. From El Salvador, always striving for more, he's who we are. one to be someday. Don't believe the news. He's got real cool tattoos. No way this dude is in a gang. No way. He's the father that we all wish we had.

In his arms, you will never be sad. He's a flawless and fabulous Maryland dad. Not bad. Not bad. Broadway. Then there's Michigan congressman Sri Thanadar who seeks to impeach Trump again. Some role model. In 2010, a drug lab he owned where animals were used in tests went bankrupt. Over 100 beagles and 55 monkeys were abandoned. The poor animals were rescued eventually by animal activists.

No thanks to Thanadar. Well, maybe they should take that guy to the pound and then tell everyone, oh, he went to a farm up state. So that's three winners the Dems have picked, a wife-beater, an arsonist, a heartless scum. But it's no shocker. In the modern liberal mind, there can be no bad guys, because isn't every bad guy a victim, too? Of course, if you believe all bad guys are victims, then the real victims, they lose any justice for their suffering. But it's how the Dems treat victims in general. They've never devoted so much energy to an American victim of crime the way they lubricate over the Maryland dad. You might say they care more for the predators than their prey, but in reality, they really

only care about themselves. Oh, look, how caring I am, they say, as they defend a thug, without ever having to feel his punch or his knife behind their gated fence. The good news for Americans, though, there's still one guy out there who gets it. It helps when you know that borders are not racist, speech is not violence. America is good. Terrorists are bad. Men can never become women. Police are not criminals, and criminals are not victims. You know, it's amazing that that needs to be said. But I guess we should be grateful there's a Donald Trump to say it. Period.

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