Gutfeld! Monologues - Bill Maher Takes On Gutfeld

Episode Date: May 25, 2024

As seen on Gutfeld!, Host of Real Time, Bill Maher, Co-Anchor of America's Newsroom, Dana Perino, FOX News Contributor, Kat Timpf, and Celebrity Doctor, Dr. Drew Pinsky have a conversation that finds some unlikely agreement across the political aisle. Plus, Greg weighs in on an odd challenge former President Trump offered President Biden before their first debate. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Happy Monday, everybody. Let's get started. Donald Trump has demanded a drug test for Joe Biden for the first debate. Biden privately told AIDS, if he wants my urine, he can get it from my seat cushion like everyone else. A woman swam through shark-infested waters in San Francisco saying the sharks weren't even interested in her. Wow, even the sharks are gay. New York City is in peak pollen season. On the bright side, a stuffy nose makes it harder to smell the piles of of . Iran's president, Abraham Rasey, was found dead after his health.

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Make fun of fat people. Charges will likely be dropped against pro golfer Scotty Sheffler after the cop's body cam was found to be off during the incident. Hillary Clinton remarked, this reminds me of when I murdered Jeffrey Epstein. This is my audience. And a New York City law student went to rehab for a cheese addiction that had her eating nearly six blocks of cheese per week. week. That's nothing, said one man. Let's do a monologue. That was fun. So let's talk about Bill Maher. He's the only... He's giving away the surprise. He's the only other talk show host besides me that hasn't

worn blackface. But the night is young. It is Fox. But weirdly, he's been saying stuff that I like hearing. There's a guy in the news name Harrison Butker. I can't express how much this guy is not like me. He's religious. He loves marriage. He loves kids.

He said, some of you talking to this, the women here, some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world. Okay, that seems fairly like modern. But I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world. I don't see what the big crime is. I really don't. And I think this is part of the problem people have with the left,

is that lots of people in this country are like this. Like he's saying, some of you may go on to lead successful careers. But a lot of you are excited about this other way that people, everybody used to be. And now, can't that just be a choice to? Hmm. Something is happening. Could this be the biggest 180s since Bruce Jenner replaced his track suit for a hoop skirt? No.

In fact, is Bill's likely seeing a party go in a direction that deviates what we used to call sanity. And Bill and I have more in common than you think. We're both hosts of successful shows. We can both fold our legs behind our heads. And we both carry around Canadian quarters to give to the homeless. But we also agree on today's insanity. In Bill's great new book, he talks about presentism, which means judging everyone in the past by the standards of the present.

He says it's like getting mad at yourself today for not knowing what you know now when you were 10. I feel the same way when I read my old diaries. to think I wanted to be one of Charlie's Angels. But I also feel that way when I read some of the stuff I wrote years ago. I can see that I let my concerns about terror mistakenly convince me that safety trumped freedom. Does Bill feel that way when watching older episodes of real time? I'd ask him if he were here tonight.

Oh, wait, he is. See, today, Today's world can create strange bedfellows. I mean, Bill Maher and Greg Gutfeld together, that's like cat tymph in Ozempic. Dr. Drew and Dr. Kvorkian. Dana Perino and Barack Obama. One loves to take dogs for a walk,

and the other likes to cook dogs in a walk. That's right. President Obama once ain't a dog. I just have to remind everybody. But Bill's right. Judging the past against the present is pointless and lazy. Sure people in the past might look ignorant compared to us now, with perhaps the exception of not letting women vote. Now, Marr adds that the left irritates and frustrates him, but the right alarms him. That's exactly how I feel about condoms versus impregnating my dog walker.

But I get it. Instead of listening to the saner voices on opposing sides, we often focus on the nuts because it's fun. Protesters are more fun to expose than debating a nerd on the Middle East. God, that sounds boring. I'd be the one stepping in front of traffic. And likewise, it's easier for the dams to focus on January 6th than the millions of decent people who think Trump is their guy. The question, however, is which crazies have more sway? The rights nuts come from below, a fever swamp of Reddit and Q&N.

The left, though, they come from above and they make progress. The Mayo Clinic just apologized for saying there are two sexes. Heads of children's schools announce they'll no longer use the terms boys and girls. A dude just creamed another slew of girls in a high school championship race. And they totally ruined Ghostbusters with an all-female cast. Call me old-fashioned, but the only place women should be busting Ghosts is in the kitchen. Bill is here

for a few reasons. He's selling a book, which we never do at Fox. But also, when was the last time we had two normal people from different sides disagree in front of other people? Exactly. There you go. So here here, the goal is to understand and not undermine. To see that people at

Fox aren't back crazy, and people over there aren't all transgender pro-terror bike messengers. Some of them are just cross-dressers. But there's one thing we might always disagree on, and that's Trump, even though I can't argue with Bill over Trump's personality. Sure, Trump has no filter, but neither do the joints that Bill smokes. It's true, but I wonder if Bill, if Trump has Biden Tick Tax

This is called Biden Tick Tacks Can you see it Tom this costs more money than the one that was like 10 times

this is inflation but Americans are not struggling you know this is the worst platform who put this stage up here

this is the freaking place is falling down I notice it keeps tilting further left. What a crappy contractor this was. That's Trump. He insults people, but I insult people. Hell, if I stopped insulting people, what would be left of this show? Happy Monday,

everyone. I'm great. I think I love you, America. That would be it. And yet Trump's deeds often defy his bluster. He's the most anti-war president I've seen. And unlike Joe and Hillary, he goes after individuals in power, not the masses. He doesn't slam millions of people as racist, perhaps because in his mind, he still thinks he could win him over. He's a populist, and in a world where the elites locked us down, then went to find restaurant, that matters. Point is, it's the elitist, not the populace, who pushed insane COVID measures,

reverse discrimination, and child mutilation under the ruse of gender affirmation. True Trump refuses to concede elections. He's like an athlete who's convinced the umps were rigged. if only the other side did the same thing. I think it's also critical to understand that, as I've been telling candidates who have come to see me, you can run the best campaign, you can even become the nominee,

and you can have the election stolen from you. Now, people say Trump traffics in hate, but I think he's got competition. Donald Trump and the Magu Republicans represent an extremism that threatens the very foundations of our republic. Magi Republicans look at America

and see carnage and darkness and despair. They spread fear and lies. Well, that speech was as uniting to America as Lorena Bobbitt was to a penis. But... Sorry, Dana. But the big criticism... The big criticism is that Trump lies.

Fine. But as a problem... opposed to who? Obama and Hillary brought us three years a Russia gate. Joe says the number one threat is white supremacy. The border is secure and inflation was 9% when he took over. Those are double whoppers with extra cheese. This guy got elected on the fine people hoax. Pushed the Trump said drink bleach hoax. He claims he was arrested marching for civil rights, top of his class in law school, runner-up state scoring champ in football. Yet the only proof he played football is the brain damage.

What? I know that was mean. What does Trump lie about? Things like the size of the crowd at his inauguration or his penis not looking like a shataki. I mean, who among us? I tell everyone my audience is huge

and that I bent it playing football. People also call Trump a clown. Fine. But when you work in a circus, why not be the clown? It beats cleaning up after the elephants. The government's a circus and the idiots are the ones who give it the respect it deserves. Look, no one's asking you to love the guy. Great leaders are always hated. Bill Parcell's players hated him. The same with Vince Lombardi. And of course, there's Joe Jackson.

Fact is, the guy you hate might be better at the big issues than the guy who claims his uncle was eaten by cannibals. Either way, I don't expect to change Bill. mind on Trump, but that's the point. Not everyone's going to agree. And if you need to have everyone agree with you on every single thing, you're going to be very, very lonely. When do the other people talk? Yeah, I'm almost stuck. I have another hour. You know, that's it. You're off the show. I changed my mind. I've changed my mind. Anyway, you're going to be very lonely, very lonely if you want everybody to agree with you, which explains why Joy Behar goes through three vibrators a month. This would be the ideal time for a song.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Bilma, stupidly I didn't see that we're we agree such a surprise now I realize that we share the same philosophy and whippo six for three when you ditch your romantic confinement do you find surprising alignment and so Mr. Marr I say one more time in a heartfelt way I'm sorry All right, don't go anywhere We'll be right back The best coast just got better Introducing Quantum of the Seas

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So it's the real time with Bill Maher at the Clubbrenad podcast. And author of the new book, what this comedian said will shock you Bill Maher. She once hits a ride on a hot wheel, co-host of America's newsroom in the five, Dana Perito. These prostate exams have a four-month waiting list. Chief Patient Officer for the Wellness Company, Dr. Drew.

She's toughest nails, but easy on the scales. New York Times, Best Selling, John, the Fox News, New Yorker, Captain. Welcome to the show, Bill. Thank you. So far, so fun. I have a few quibs. Okay, go for it.

Quib away, Mr. Quib. Well, I mean, I agree that it's great that we're talking. I agree that we agree on some things. We're not exactly aligned on the most important things, which is basically Trump is someone who does not concede elections. That's the most important thing. You don't seem to see it that way. That's the most important thing that's going on in this country.

He didn't concede the last election. He's not going to concede this election. You don't know that. You don't see into the future, Bill. I don't see your crystal ball. Yeah, I did. I did, because I was the only one who was talking about that way back when. And everybody said, oh, you smoked too much pot.

Turned out I smoked just the right amount of pot. There's no right amount. But can you really picture this guy going, you know what? I lost. That's it. He did. He left. He left because he had to leave because he could.

Yes, but that's how it works. What do you think he's going to, like, board up the White House, you know, pull a straw dogs? with Dustin Hoffman? Well, last time he thought the other Republicans would back him up when he called that guy in Georgians that I need 11,000 votes, I want you to find him. He said, find. He said, find. He didn't say

create. He said find. Well, that's the same thing. No, it's not. You don't say on an Easter egg, I want you to create some Easter eggs. Boys, boys, you have a show here. All right, Dr. Drew. Boys. My favorite show of television ever to do was politically incorrect. Which you stole. This is, this is exactly what it looked like, except the difference was politically incorrect

was purposely mixing people with different viewpoints. Which is what we're doing. Tonight. Yes. This is why it doesn't work. I'm kidding. No.

So, Dr. Drew. Yes, sir. You're really good at diagnosing mental illness. What is Bill's problem? Wow. I feel like Tom Brady. No, let me, it does feel personal about Trump with Bill. It's not.

It feels that way. It's not personal. It's just a difference of a big of him. He didn't sue me. Did he sue you? Of course. I didn't know that. Really?

No. You're in news? Yes. I don't follow everything in your life, Bill. Well, that was kind of, yes, he sued me because I said he possibly was the son of an orangutan. Oh, hmm. Because we showed the picture. He looks exactly like the hair color.

looks exactly like and right. You know what's interesting as far as it pertains to Orange. He's always been the stand-up politician, right? But now he's sort of heading towards carrot top. Some of that stuff he's doing at the podium with the tic-tacks and everything. He's really becoming a comedian at the podium. Well, he's, you know what? He realizes that he's winning. I think that's bothering you, Bill. Well, it is bothering me because, again, he's an insurrection who doesn't believe in democracy. So, of course, it's bothering me. And of course, he's also insane and a criminal and stupid. Except for that, Bill.

But I've got to say, except for that, I'll vote for him. Like, what works for him, like when you, that clip you just shown, I mean, look, he's almost the same age as Biden. But Biden presents as old. Yeah. Ancient. Yeah. That does not look old.

No, it doesn't. He does not present as old. Yeah. I mean, he's like, he's like kiss. He puts on the wig and the face paint, and it's 1976 all over again. Oh, those were the days. And let's bring you in here. As the other orange one.

Yes. That really is bright. I'm just thinking about Tang. I love Tang. If we can sit here and have a conversation, why can't other Americans do the same? I think most Americans are. I think a lot of this is actually online and that it is people thinking that America is so polarized. When in actual, in your daily life, if you get offline and you see people in grocery, there's

smile, you share a smile. Like, I know that there are people that would never, maybe at a school board meeting, right? Those get contentious, and you could feel like nobody agrees with me. And I hear that a lot, but I'm like, I look around. I'm like, actually, I don't think people are that much at each other's throats. We in the media tend to exacerbate that. One of the things that Bill had over the weekend on his show was Nellie Bowles. Yeah.

She is a co-founder of the free press, independent media. They are doing some great work. work over there. And in her, she was also selling a book. In her book, she writes about her politics, she believes, is a lot like other people's, which is not so much doctrine, but exhaustion. And that people are just looking for some good common sense, which is what you're trying to talk about here. We are plugging your book. Can you just calm down, Bill? But now I understand all the rumors about you are true. I don't know what that means. Like, we are polarized.

I don't think we can deny that. The point is that we can also be friends. That's it. We can't, let's not, let's not, let's not pretend that these disagreements are not profound. Let's just say, okay, they are profound, but you know what? There's 90 other things we could talk about, which we wouldn't disagree on. And I can't hate you. I've said it a million times.

You can hate Trump. You can't hate all the people who like them. It's half the country. And I'm certainly not blind to Donald Trump's faults. I get it why people choose to vote for him. You know, somebody who's conservative once said to me, what you don't get, you liberals don't get about Trump, is that we don't like him either.

We just see him as a bulwark against the nonsense on the left. And I understand that because there is a lot of nonsense on the left, and that's in my book too. My book. Your book. Pat, is there anything you want to get off your chat? Oh. There's nothing on my chest.

But, well, I do disagree with something you said, Bill, which is that there's no difference of opinion on the show, because I disagree with Greg about a lot of stuff, actually. I mean, I've never in my life voted for a Democrat or a Republican, and I don't think I ever will because I'm just a small government person, and neither side is offering me that. I vote for the third party. A third party.

Yeah, I vote libertarian. And you know what? If you want to give me a shit for that, It certainly wouldn't be the first time I heard that. No, no, fine. People, I mean, I get people coming at me on both sides for sure, and people think, or they'll say I'm a moderate, which I am not a moderate. I'm for a very small government.

But I have so many friends. You're heartless. No, I'm not. I wish. My life would be a way, I live a passionate life full of love. But I think that, thank you, thank you. Well done, Pat. Well done.

I do have so many, obviously, I work here. I have a lot of friends who are Republican, very conservative. I have a lot of friends are very liberal in my real life. And I, but people sometimes who like watch a show like this will be like, how is that possible? Right. It's actually so easy. But you know what? You said something on this show a few weeks ago that just stayed with me.

You said some of us have not gotten over COVID yet. Yeah, that's true. And the bitterness that the excesses that COVID left behind are fueling some of this acrimony. There are many of us that just can't get over what they were able to do. We have to shoehorn the medical part into this, doc. Yeah, right? And you were, I mean, you know that personally, but we got to move on. All right.

Right out of time. Thanks to Bill Moore, Dana Perino, Dr. Drew Bitsky, Katz, our studio, honest, plus you, 17, 15, I love you, way to go. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts, and Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon music app. This is Jimmy Falla, inviting you to join me for Fox Across America, where we'll discuss every single one of the Democrats' dumb ideas. Just kidding. It's only a three-hour show.

Listen live at noon Eastern or get the podcast at Fox Across America.com.