Gutfeld! Monologues - CBS: Colberts Incoming Final Sign Off

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

As seen on Gutfled! Greg discusses how California inmates are accessing pornography on government funded tablets. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Yes, it really is me. Good evening, everyone. So two giant pandas are heading to the U.S. from China. One is headed to the zoo and one's going to RFK Jr.'s Memorial Day Barbecue. And their much-anticipated M.MA comeback battle. It took Ronda Rousey just 17 seconds to defeat Gina Carrano. The last women's fight to end that quickly was between Michelle and Barack. I don't get it. Must be a tight. Congressional leaders announced the formation of a sexual misconduct task force following the resignation of Eric Swalwell. And they've already found one man to pour through all the dick picks. He volunteered.

Good for him. Facebook's parent company will email workers at 4 a.m. Wednesday to let them know that they're being laid off. It's weird, right? When I fire my employees at 4 a.m., I just roll over. and wake him up. Get out of bed, Brit. I don't work for him. Yes.

A drip painting by the abstract expression as Jackson Pollock sold for $181.2 million. Meanwhile, a drip painting by Hunter Biden was treated with penicillin. Ran out of brushes. Astronomers discovered an asteroid that barely missed Earth and are calling it 2026 J.H2.

If it had hit Earth, it would have been called, oh, shit. According to a new study, sexual arousal causes people to overestimate a partner's interest. And according to an old study, who cares? Am I right, huh? An invasive species known as the Asian jumping worm is now on a path to wreck the soil in 38 states.

Now, I'm not sure why. they call it Asian, being that it can grow six inches. Oh, racist would say. Big Asian contingency here tonight? And finally, scientists have come up with an oral spray to cure nasty breath in canines. The only problem is veterinarians can't tell which side of Joy Behar to spray it in. All right. We'll be back with more Gutfeld.

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So Stephen Colbert's last show will be Thursday night. I hear they're going to convert the Ed Sullivan Theater into something more cheerful, like a slaughterhouse. Taking over his time slot, Byron Allen and his long-running show Comics Unleashed, which features Alan and four comics who pull material from their stand-up routines. But Alan noted that unlike Colbert,

he won't touch politics at all. A lot of eyes are going to be John, your programming to see, well, what are the political leanings? What can they read into it? What I'm doing with comics on leash. We don't talk about politics. We don't talk about anything that's topical. We don't talk about anything.

We don't do anything that's racist or sexist or anti-Semitic or homophobic. Just be funny and don't offend. I don't care who you vote for. I don't care. I'm here to make people laugh. You're going to vote who you're going to vote for no matter what I say. It doesn't matter. It's not my business.

It's not my business. Do what you do. So I'm here to make you laugh. Now that sounds nice. Just be funny and don't offend. But I don't know. That sounds like someone saying take up boxing, but don't try to hit anyone. Or a hooker saying she just wants to hold hands. Now I get what CBS and Allen are trying to do. Colbert took a long-running institution and destroyed it with his own personal politics. It's the most selfish thing you can do. He's like a tenant who rents a room and decides to let Jerry Nadler use the toilet. Now no one else can live in it. So that's how you end up with Byron Allen, who actually pays CBS for the airtime and sells the commercials himself.

Wish I'd thought of that. I could have squeezed Mike Huckabee for another case of relaxium. But for CBS, it's much cheaper than for. producing Colbert's show, which lost more money than the Brit Hume rap album. I love that one. So avoiding politics makes sense since the news cycle quickly gets dated anyway. And since Alan's show isn't live, you don't want to be a comic asking, hey, what's the deal with the teapot dome scandal? Of course, the main issue with Colbert and his ilk is that they were kiss asses who weren't even trying to be funny.

At least Alan's main mission is laughs. Still, saying be funny, but don't offend, feels weird. Why can't it be both? It's not like a child telling her father, when I grow up, I want to be a Democrat. Sorry, kid, you can't be both. See, every joke is going to offend someone. If there's no risk, why bother? It's why I hate roasts.

Where's the risk when the stage is already set for offensive insults? It's more fun to roast someone in a non-roast setting. It's why I always share my best zingers during my charity work at St. Jude's Hospital. Truth is, no matter what, someone will always be offended. Like if I make fun of soccer, somebody will always say, hey, my dad's gay. I'm offended now. Plus, audiences can tell when a comic is trying to be safe. It's when they choose easy targets like Colbert always did.

He and his imitators avoided offending those in power because they were on the same team. America endured four years in Mr. Magus stumbling around the Oval Office, backed by a wine-soaked babbler. Plus he had a first son filming himself with crack whores, loose bags of cocaine and dogs biting secret service agents. The Bidens were an embarrassment of riches. But from the other late night shows, not a peep. Now, it once did Colbert see absurdity in this. So if you think Alan is being safe, no. was way worse. He did nothing but safe comedy, ridiculing the approved targets his team hated and then stuck his tongue firmly up the asses of politicians he supported.

Think about it. How was he able to last this long and lose millions every year? Because he did what he was told, which makes the idea that he's leaving the job as some sort of risk-taking comic, the biggest joke of all. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show, ad-free on the Amazon Music app.