Gutfeld! Monologues - Comedic Relief From The Commander-In-Chief

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

As seen on Gutfeld! Comedian, Jim Norton, FOX News Contributor Kat Timpf, Host of The Wiseman podcast, Tyrus, and Media Personality, Hotep Jesus, discuss the insensitive story President Biden shared with the victims of the Maui wildfires during a recent visit to Hawaii. Later, the panel discusses a viral video of a shirtless GOP presidential candidate. Any guesses who it could be? Follow Greg on Twitter: @GregGutfeld Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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He doesn't need a C. You to host, Hotep Jesus. He's like a spare tire, dirty bald, and fits in the trunk. Comedian and co-hosts of the Jim Norton and Sam Roberts Show, Jim Norton. Even Exorcists are afraid of her. Fox News contributor Katow. And finally, a pool cue is his toothpick by massive sidekick in the NWA World Heavyweight Champion, Tyrus. Thank you.

Hasn't Maui suffered enough? Nope. Joe arrives and it's rough. The president and first lady visited Hawaii yesterday to witness firsthand the destruction and tragedy in the wake of the historic wildfire. Joe hasn't seen destruction like that since he passed the Inflation Reduction Act. political humor.

He was also forced to leave his luxury Lake Tahoe vacation. As a result, he had to cancel three bicycle crashes and four ponytail sniffings. Yeah. The little girls go around this little thing. Anyway, Joe tried to offer with an off-told story about a small kitchen fire he experienced in 2004. But it provided comic relief instead.

I wonder what happened 15 years ago when he was in Washington doing Meet the Press on a Sunday Sunday? 15 years ago I was in Washington doing meet the press. It was a sunny Sunday. And lightning struck at home on a little lake that's outside of our home, not a lake, a big pond, and hit a wire. a wire and came up underneath our home into the heating ducts, the air-conditioning duck.

To make a long story short, I almost lost my wife, my 67 Corvette, and my cat. Ah. Just think if Joe had lost his Corvette, he wouldn't have any place to store all those classified dogs. But that's... Here's what's really disgusting. really disgusting his famous kitchen fire story we've heard over and over again. It's been called to question more than once. That kitchen inferno has been called into question more often than

Jill Biden's doctor degree. That blaze was doused in 20 minutes, despite Biden's saying in the past that they almost lost a couple of firefighters and had a house burned down with his wife in it. Didn't happen like that. And watch what happened at the end of Biden's presser when someone offered him some water. I mean, clearly this guy is somewhere else other than Earth. But I said it before. This is the quietest tragedy ever. As Glenn Greenwald accurately noted, Bush was mauled. for merely flying over New Orleans during Katrina. And Ted Cruz was mocked for fleeing Texas

during an electricity crisis. But the media won't dare give equal treatment to Biden. What's Joe got to say? No, no, no. Look, I've suffered, man. I can relate. Not only did I get struck by lightning, but one time at the Delaware Beach House, after Hunter was there for the weekend,

we had a bit of a plumbing backup in one of the bathroom. and I mean, that toilet exploded. It was like, could only be compared to the mighty monoloa volcano. And ever since then, I've had a great connection to the Hawaiian people. You know, the bottom line here, if he can't even pull off something this straightforward,

you know, visit and offer comfort to people who are grieving, then how can we really believe that he's in charge of this country? I don't want to say Joe's totally out of it. But the next island he wants to visit is the one where seven castaways set sail on a three-hour tour on a boat called the minnow. This is not about, I don't think this is about Biden being cruel or being aloof. He's not there. And shouldn't there be somebody who's in charge of preserving the dignity of this guy instead of sending him places where it's embarrassing?

Oh, man. Well, there's a couple of things that's wrong here. First of all, the fact that they're allowed and Biden to move out all around like this, and we haven't seen Kamala at all. Yeah. Shows you that the Luminati sat at the table was like, we can't let you in charge. I'm not even sure I know what the Illuminati is. Should I know who they are? I don't know who they are. You do. I could be a member of them if I only filled out that form.

But then they offer him a cup, right? And they're wondering why they ain't offered him a cup? Why didn't he drink from the cup? Well, it's because if they were to put a sign on it, I said, whites only. He had to drink that bitch. Biden, Biden makes Bush's Katrina situation look like Mok-K-A-Selma. Just a poor mishandler. It is bad. All right, Tyrus. Where do you go?

I... Just stop. Don't even ask me a damn question. All right, look. We in so much trouble. It's not even funny. Could you... If I was a dictator in any country, I'd be like, get a meeting with him now. By the time it's over, we'll have Nebraska. The Midwest will be ours. But he's so lost. He didn't know where he was. Yeah. And the only thing he, but he corrects himself on the dumb and shit. Mm-hmm. It was a lake. No, it was a pond. Oh. Yeah.

Now you've got my attention, Mr. President. It was air-conditioned. No, no, I remember it. It was a heating duck, not air conditioning. But the truly sadness of this whole thing is that the president coming is supposed to be the sign that good times are on the way. The president's here. He's going to take him. care of things, it's going to be better. And I just want to remember a time the last time a president showed up. Do we have the footage of the last time a president showed up? Can we run it, please? I just want us all to remember this? Remember that? Oh, yeah. Look at that. President Trump there actively, they're in a flood, and what is he doing, throwing them paper towels, super-absorbent paper towels. They had a need, and he was there. He was positive. He's here. I'm

help. He's throwing towels. He's sending money. He's being presidential. And they still had a problem with that. But I will take throwing towels instead of just someone asked you for a glass of water and you think it's a race. You just take off. Kat, why do you think he keeps telling do you think he actually believed that story happened? It didn't. I mean, it can't because it's been called into question so many times. Yeah, he literally said the house burned down with his wife in it. Yeah. So you think that he would remember

that's not true whenever he sees his wife is there. I'm not a doctor, but... But neither, yeah. I mean, forever and ever, people were like, oh, but Joe, he's not going to Maui.

He's not going to Maui. Why is he not going to Maui? I think what answered the question is him going to Maui. That's why, like, whatever, like, why didn't he go? Then he goes, and we're like, oh, yeah, that. Because they had to get him out of their fast, too, because it was only a matter of time

if I started babbling about how he was actually raised by Hawaiians. Mm-hmm. Oh, sugar cane pop. Yeah, sugar cane popped. Yeah, he used to hang out with McGarratt. I know it's bad to do this tragic. tragedy for tragedy like you know it's easy to do but this in this case this is crazy right I mean he's just he's the type of old where if he's getting his teeth cleaned he's just going

to touch the ass of the dental hygienist like he just walks away talks into thin air yeah I didn't mind the kitchen story I thought it was fascinating I feel for Joe Biden I mean His wife looks like Tom Petty. Rest his soul. The man is dottering. It's not even about politics. There's nothing to do with politics. I like Robert Kennedy Jr.

It's the fact that he is just a dottering, blithering idiot at this point. And he's the leader of the free world, and he literally just kind of walks off The way your grandfather does. You're like, pop, pop, come back, come back. Yes. Illuminati definitely got your name on the list.

All right. We must move on. Up next, a presidential contender and his shirtless splendor. All right, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. Did you know that at Chevron, you can fuel up on Unbeatable mileage and savings? With Chevron rewards, you'll get 25 cents off per gallon on your next five visits.

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All right, so we got three stories, but probably only time for two. First up, GOP presidential candidate Vivek or Vivek Ramoswamy. Look at that, huh? They're already drooling. They shared a video of himself playing tennis, shirtless, saying it was prep for tomorrow's primary debate. Cat. Shouldn't all candidates be topless? Except for Chris Christie? No, I really disagree. I think especially Chris Chris. Okay. Because him doing this is whatever, Chris Christie doing it funny. Yeah.

You know, I got no issue with it, but whenever a guy posts anything shirtless, no matter what he looks like, I just always think about him, like, looking at the footage and reviewing it and deciding what to post. Yes. Well, that's what everybody does when they show skin. It's a thirsty. I call it Chris Cuomo-ing. Chris Cuomo would take a thousand pictures of himself. Don't ask me how I know, Jim. He called me, hey, which one should I do? But, you know, I love Vivek.

I just think this might be a little thirsty. Yeah, and RFK Jr. do the same thing. Push-up, and it's childlike. It's like something you do when you're 15 to make her girl go, God, you're cute. And they're all trying to prove that they're fit compared to Biden, but that's not a high bar. You don't have to do that.

Just go like this. I have a pulse. Yeah, tweet a video of yourself eating soup and getting it into your mouth. Oh, my God. Tyrus, you consider tennis a sport? Yeah, absolutely. Thousand percent. But I mean, a couple, like, I like V.

V's cool. I like what he's doing. I just, what the mainstream media is, is left. letting us also know that he's actually hitting those tennis balls at children in wheelchairs just in the floor. So him being shirtless takes on another level of this. But the evil Republicans, you know, it's crazy what's been lost in all of this. Plus, I'm not sure Nikki Haley would be really excited about a whole topless. Yes.

She would have an unfair advantage, though. But, oh, I'm sorry, I'm a breeder. But what's amazing? What's amazing about this debate coming up is the diversity. And it's the party that's supposed to not be diverse at all. And we have men, women, we have, and it looks like a man with ancestry from India is going to be the PAC leader where this is over, like, because obviously President Trump is not in it, but these guys are all fighting.

And it's the conversation switching from DeSantis to the V-Man. Yeah. So, you know, and I think that's an amazing thing in this country right now. something in my lifetime that I'll be proud to tell my grandchildren about. Not anytime soon, kids. But like, but I'm just saying, like, it's an amazing time. And it's no one's talking about it. Look at that board that you'll see up there and white is not the dominant feature on there. And everyone there's hair is not white yet. It's a wall except for Pence. That's not his fault. He was born that way. Yes. He also doesn't have sweat glands. Yes. I like Vivick too. Yeah.

I like Vivick. Vivik's cool. Actually, I don't like Vivek. I'm surprised with Scott, though. I thought Scott would do better. I thought Scott would be doing better right now, and I don't know why he's not. Here's the thing. Like, I'm objective, right? So I don't like Vivek, but I don't like Vivek for every reason why he's the best candidate outside of Trump. And it's because he's just a grifter, right?

And this shirt off thing is a pure example. Why do you think he's a grifter? Because look at him. He's preparing for his job after he loses the election. Like, that's exactly what this is. He's like, I want to cover all angles, so after I lose the election, they know I have a nice body, maybe Hollywood would call me up or, you know. He's covering all angles.

We might see him in a Weinstein movie soon. Who knows? I don't know. He already got a call from Shirtless Tennis Guy Monthly. I'm the publisher, by the way. It's amazing what I can do in my garage. Do we have time for the next story? Because I love this story.

A new report finds that most of the human brain specimens in the Smithsonian collection were gathered without consent, meaning that they state they were grave robbers, Jim. They actually stole their brains from, like, burial grounds and stuff. Who cares? I mean, they're like saying they're going to give them back to the relative. Like, do you really want your uncle's brain from 1905? What are you going to look at it in a jar?

Huh? Who cares? It is true. I mean, maybe, maybe Hotep, it's like, how else were you going to get it back then? I mean, they didn't have, you know how you can, like, on your driver's license, you can click organ donor? Yeah. They didn't have cars back then, did they? Yeah, when I saw this story, I really didn't get it because I'm like, I thought everything in the museum was stolen. Everything. Everything. Yeah. It's either stolen or it's broken. It's like my wife took me to some place when it was all just broken dishes. Yeah. What the heck is that? They dropped it when they were stealing it. See, I hope our smashing grabbers today are more careful with the things that they steal for the future museums. Yeah. Again, they didn't give consent. Yeah. What do you take them out when you, I feel like that guy's about to die. Hey, sir, if you don't make it through this weekend, we have your brain. And of course, the average person like, yeah, I don't care. I'm dead. I don't need it.

Like, you know, just a lot of the abbey normal ones, they probably shouldn't have kept. But you see like passing out consent forms in 1789? You know in the future they're going to have a museum here. Can we get your brain? Kat, what do you think? Yeah, I mean, when your brain is up for being stolen, I feel like you can't consent to stuff anymore. No. Right? So I don't, I agree. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I this isn't shock me. Like, of course, of course it was not. nobody consented to their, they just take the brain and whatever. What are they going to do to be mad?

I don't know. I think, wow, I don't know, nobody cares. Why is there a brain? It's a terrible story. What? I mean, it was my favorite story and nobody cares about it. Maybe he's bringing up the fact that they murdered them. Yes, they murdered these people. They signed the consent.

When you need the brain? Now click, think, boom, thanks. All right. We're out of time. Thanks, oh, Depp Jesus, Jim Norton, Kattenham Tars, the studio out. Truss. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon Music app.

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