Gutfeld! Monologues - Equity Cards

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

As seen on Gutfeld!, Greg checks in on our neighbors to the north, and it's not looking good. Canada's New Democratic Party hands out "gender equity cards" at their leadership convention. Greg breaks down the footage, and it's beyond parody. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It really is me. Good evening, everyone. President Trump's son Eric released stunning renderings of a 47-story skyscraper for his presidential library. One floor will have books and the other 46 slot machines. And get this, he's already accepting applications for librarians. Yeah, wow. A Canadian woman who visited the emergency. room for back pain was offered euthanasia.

After hearing the news, Bill Clinton asked Hillary if she wanted to go to Ottawa to pick up his anvil. Turns out that the Secret Service agent who accidentally shot himself while protecting Joe Biden had shot himself in the buttocks. When she heard the news, Dr. Jill said, great. Another butt with liquid pouring out of it. That's just nasty. It is nasty.

A man skied across an asphalt parking lot at 69 miles an hour. Not intentionally, he'd just been clipped by Tiger Woods's SUV. A Kentucky representative wants to have a statue built of Mitch McConnell in the state capital. I thought they already had one. It's Mitch McConnell. The four sheep that were reported stolen from a Holiday Inn in Indiana have been found. This is great news for sleepless hotel guests who feared they might not have anything to count. After it attacked its owner, a police officer shot and killed a zebra.

Depending on where the bullet hit, he could be charged with a hate crime. And finally, author J.K. Rowling stunned fans by saying she always thought of one of her characters as gay and said there will be more clues in her new book, Harry Potter, and the disappearing goblet. What the hell just happened? I don't know. We'll be back with more Gutfeld. So if you thought no Kings was hilarious, it's time to look north.

So, Canada's new Democratic Party, the NDP, just held a convention to pick a new leader. And the country's most urgent crisis, white men. I wonder, what are these cards? These cards are to help the chair hear equity-seeking persons and that we don't only hear from white male delegates.

During the housing resolution, after a white man spoke, someone at this mic wave their equity card only to give their speaking spot to a white man. I just want us as a body to understand the spirit of these cards because, we are a party governed by processes and not by any sort of shock doctrine. Oh my God. What did he say? To solve the white dude plague, these socialists handed out gender equity cards, passes that gave speaking priority to women, minorities, and trans delegates, because we really don't hear from them enough.

And the meeting's non-binary chair, Adrian Smith, led the charge. I will invite delegates to assist me in better using the card by forming a straight line behind the microphone with a prominently displayed equity card if I see speakers ahead of you who are not holding a card prominently it would be wrong of me to guess about their gender identity. This applies so far according to your rules for gender identities other than a dude. Oh, anyone other than a dude. Need I remind her that men have always been picked last, starting with lifeboats. But even the word straight upsets her.

She could barely say it with a straight face. But for a non-binary individual, she's sure bending over backwards to look exactly like a straight white male. Or at the very least, Hermie the dentist from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Now, but once these cards got dispersed to the safe space sack, The Caps of convention got more divided than a conjoined twin at a saw factory. Were you standing here with your gender equity card? I was standing here with my gender equity card before you called on the previous speaker. I did want to bring attention to the fact that a fellow delegate is holding the gender parity cards.

Let's take the microphone to that delegate. We'll hear from them right now. Thank you, Joyce Ballas, Linda Bansha. She, her. I think our Constitution needs to recognize that. And I also recognize there is, I'm sorry, I'm just speaking way too fast. I'm so sorry, get excited. It's hard as a racialized and transgender delegate to sometimes use this card. I was rejected when I talked. And it's frustrating when these are my rights being directly under attack right now in Alberta.

Yesterday, this card was used in an inappropriate matter. These cards for individuals like myself who identify as a black woman have no value outside of this space. Wait, they're attacking black women in Alberta? I thought Alberta was a black woman. I'm so confused. But you've got to love this. These jackasses are literally playing the race in gender cards. Identity is no longer about acceptance.

It's competitive. It's like when I complain that I had bronchitis, then cat one-ups me with cancer. But don't worry, they eventually got to the important stuff. Did you notice the microphone seemed really low today? The microphone seemed really low today. It's hard to hear everyone at the mic. Close captions for this convention are running between six and ten seconds behind. Also, like, they don't have enough pens.

So there was a very long line up. Not enough pens. Not enough height on the mic. Not enough speed on the captioning. It seems when you give these douchebags, what they want. It will never be enough. It's like when we gave women the right to vote and now they want to keep voting.

Oh, thank you. I don't know what you're applauding for. But it wouldn't be a left-wing convention without some barbaric misgendering. Right now there's discussions of 10,000 American men and women being sent to Iran being deployed

just to be part of this bloodbath. Canada cannot and will not be part of the legacy of blood. This is a no-question debate. I call this question, Madam and chairs. I'll again thank delegates not to call me Madam Chair or Madame la Presidents. I'm a non-binary person.

My pronouns are they, them, and there. No, they, them there. Anything to get her into the carpool lane. Now, after all that, you might be wondering who they elected, a two-spirit non-binding. Honduran illegal? Perhaps an up-and-coming lesbian Aladdin. No, after an entire weekend focused on identity politics, they elected a white dude. Our plan is to Trump-proof the economy by investing massively in Canadian economic independence, using the unmatched power of public ownership to

ensure the fundamentals of a good life. Oh, what a white dude. I wonder what his pronouns are. douche and bag. But it's typical. Not only does socialism fail in theory, it fails in practice. The last time the world laughed this heart at Canada is when our hockey team beat him like a rented moose. It's funny because this was Canada's

main opposition party in 2011. Now they're in a distant third place. Sound familiar? Yeah? And why? The modern left in America and now Canada placed one issue above all identity. Forget crime, illegals, homelessness, or the baffirms. popularity of Drake? Their strategy, equity cards. They created a system where differences are

exalted instead of similarities, which only results in conflict. They end up turning on themselves because identity politics is a zero-sum game. I suppose other Canadians should be grateful. I mean, if you let this self-absorbed devour each other, they're less likely to annoy you, except until they get into power, which means maybe it's time for us to build the wall along the northern border. Let's welcome Today's get Listen ad free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts

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