Gutfeld! Monologues - Former President Trump Shows Off His Comedic Talents On Gutfeld

Episode Date: September 21, 2024

As seen on Gutfeld!, he loves Diet Coke and fighting the woke, in a special edition of Gutfeld!, former President Donald Trump joins FOX News Contributor Kat Timpf, co-host of Outnumbered and host of the FOX News True Crime Podcast, Emily Compagno, and Host of Tyrus and The Wise Men, Tyrus. Don't miss former President Trump in a comedic setting that shows a side of him not seen by most of the public. The former President addresses his second assassination attempt, what he thought of the second presidential debate, and whether or not he wears pajamas. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. Thank you, thank you. All right, all right. First of all, I would like to apologize to tonight's audience and the viewers at home. We will not be airing the Steve Ducey cooking segment tonight. We apologize to Mr. Ducey, but you'll still be able to get his new book, Cooking with Crisco, for free. Instead, we have a very special show tonight, so let's welcome our guest.

She's still quite humorous with a fetus in her uterus. New York Times bestselling all their folks is a contributor, Captain. She's from San Francisco, but still appreciates indoor plumbing. Co-hosts about numbered Emily Campano. His deltoid can defamation. Select an asteroid, New York Times, best-selling author, comedian, and former NWA world champion, Tyrus. And he loves Diet Coke, but hates the woke, choosing this insanity over Sean Hannity. Let's crank it up to 11 for President 45 and 47.

The man who finally made that Richardson at 6'2, fighting out of the red corner from Queens, New York, the 40th president of the United States. Donald J. Trope. There you go. So, Mr. P., how's your golf game? Well, I haven't been thinking about it too much lately. I always said golf is a very dangerous game. It really is. It really is.

Especially if they're playing with you. Yeah, it's true. What, that was a mean joke? Pretty sad. Did you, if they had told you that the shooter was there, would you have tried to take him out with your three wood? I think so. Yeah. If I knew.

Actually, the Secret Service did a great job. They saw the barrel of a gun, big gun. Yeah. And it came out through bushes. And how many people would see that first? You know, he really was very exceptional to have done it. And we've been going through a lot of it. We're getting very good at it.

But I don't want to say that too loudly because we don't want to bring any job. jinxes along, Tyrus, but it's... I mean, at least he could have yelled four. This is not a good thing to have practice at. You're getting really good at stopping assassinations of Donald Trump. It's great. I want to ask you, so Kamala Harris and the president, Joe Biden, if he's still president,

we don't know. They called you after you were getting, you got shot at and wish you well to say all these nice things. But they're the same people that moments before say you're a threat to democracy, an existential threat, worse than Hitler. Does that mean that everything they say is full of shit? Well, you know, both of the shooters, one is dead and the other one is in prison. And it was really great work, again, by Secret Service. And a woman who saw somebody running and running for the car because he was caught and the Secret Service agent started shooting at him, didn't do any talk, he and said, just, that's a barrel of a gun started shooting, which was

amazing, that he saw it, and then he started shooting. And so this man is running to the car. And a woman is, a woman, of course, woman's always a woman, right? We just found out, yeah. No, but think about that. How smart. Who would do this? She sees somebody running, and she didn't like the way he looked.

He looked very suspicious, and followed him, and took the car, parked it right behind his, and started taking pictures of the licensed place. Who would do that? A Karen. And then sent the picture to the sheriff, who's a great sheriff of Palm Beach County, and sent the pictures to the sheriff's office, and they got them in a high-speed chase down the highway. But who would do that? I mean, I said out of a thousand incidents, would that ever happen?

And they said very rarely a thing like that. So she's very much of a heroine, right? Heroin. Yeah. You know, it blows my mind. like how you how you take these events so not lightly but it's almost casually the way like I get more angry you know in my pant pocket gets caught on a doorknob I get angrier about that than you get angry about getting shot at it doesn't how do you how do you process that

well number one do I have a choice yeah what am I going to do right yeah we have a choice but And, you know, it's interesting. I was thinking a lot about it over the last period of time since Butler. And being president is a very dangerous job. Because with a race car driver, that's a dangerous job. It's like one-tenth of one percent die. With a bull rider, I think bull riding looks pretty scary, right? Yeah.

It's a little bit more than that die. With the president, what is it, 6% or 7%? It's the most dangerous profession there is. So if you want to be president, I have a lot of friends that wanted to run, they're thinking about maybe not doing it. But here's the only good thing is that it's always a consequential president that gets shot at. And fortunately, so far, I've been very lucky.

Or something is greater than all of us. Ooh. It is. Something is up there. Someone is up there. Maybe you're watching over us. I think he's voting for you. Yeah.

It's funny. I was thought the most dangerous job was feeding the view. But you bring up God. You bring up God. And you've almost been killed twice. Do you think more about your own mortality and what happens after you go, move on? Yeah, not about mortality, but I do think more about God because, okay, Butler was really the greatest of all. If I'm not looking over there, and I mean a full turn, exactly 90 degrees, I wouldn't be here right now.

and your ratings would be a little bit lower, perhaps. We didn't kill me there. We have to tell the story of how we first met. The ratings over, remember that one week? He just played that thing. But I do think about that because the chart, it was basically an immigration chart. We had our lowest numbers that we've ever had in immigration.

And I very rarely use it, maybe 15, 20%. It's always on my left, and it's always at the end of a speech. So now I said, bring down the chart. right at the very beginning, almost like the first sentence of the speech. Bring down that chart because immigration is such a big thing now with, you know, our country being basically taken over by Venezuela and lots of other people. So I said, bring down the chart, and the chart drops down, and I go, look at those numbers, and I look over to the right, and ping, and that was not, I knew something was definitely wrong.

And it was a mess. I touched it, I said, mm, that's unusual. Do you remember when you showed it to me? I showed it. Yeah, you showed it to me. He said, I know people aren't going to believe this, so Gutfeld, take a look at my ear. That's right. You know, I met, we met at the convention. Yeah.

And I said, who am I going to show it to? You know, we have a lot of guys. You know, they'll say it didn't exist. And I actually did have such confidence in him, and he's really a very special guy, talented guy, good guy, great guy. And I said, you know, if I'm going to show it, let's do it with Gutfeld. Yes. That's amazing. It was amazing.

Because it happened right after. Yeah. How did you get him to see the top of your ear? Well, I sat in a low chair. Okay, thank you. But you know what? It was true, and I took the bandages off very carefully. And I showed him, he said, that's nasty.

Yes. That was nasty. I kind of wanted to touch it, but I knew I would have been tackled. And I would have enjoyed it. But it's interesting to see the response. the second attempt, every time you're under a bigger threat, the media still blames you even more. It's almost so they don't see their own role in this.

What do you make? Have you just basically accepted this as a fact? I think so, yeah. Look, the media is extremely dishonest, extremely corrupt, actually. Look at the debate. I walked off, I said, that's the debate. You know, they said, I'm the goat in debates, because I had a lot of debates, and I became president, and the goat means greatest of all times.

He's a goat. But what a great stage. And I walked off that stage, and I thought I had the best debate. And I was very unfairly treated by the anchor. I'm not fans of those guys anymore. And his hair was better five years ago than it was true. Okay? That's, that happens.

That happens with the clock. I mean, who among us? That happens with the clock. But, you know, they came at me on everything like crime. Yeah. I said the crime is rampant. He said, crime is down. I said, crime is down.

Who would think it's good? Without even knowing, and I was right, the following day, DOJ announced numbers. I don't know who it was in DOJ, but somebody over there likes me, that crime is up 45%, murders up, numbers like you wouldn't even believe. And anybody would know that without even seeing charts, but it turned out to be a false attack. They attacked the word, the bloodbath. That was referring to the auto industry. You know all these things.

Yeah. Charlottesville was totally debunked by everybody, including Laura. Laura did a whole show on it, how it's so ridiculous. And even Snopes, which is a left-wing side. That's right, they even said. Yeah.

But all of them, and they didn't correct her once, and they corrected me everything I said practically. I think nine times or 11 times. And the audience was absolutely, they went crazy. And the real, I thought it was, I walked off, I said, that was a great debate. I loved it. You know, you got a lot of people watching.

I guess we had 75 million people watching, something like that. And you have to do well. You can't do badly. For instance, Biden didn't do so well in the previous debate, because I had the two debates. I had one. We actually had two debates. You know, I had one against a man,

and then they said, he's not doing well. Take him out. Put in a new one. And if she doesn't do well, I wonder if they're going to take her out. Just keep putting it. Let's see if we can get it right, eventually. No, but a thing like that's never happened before. It's never, you know,

looks like a fighter. He knows more about fighting, but I love the fighting. We love Dana White, all those guys. Dana is great. Well, your history in boxing is second to not. I'm more Mike Tyson fights than anybody. Mike is great and all great. And they're, you know, amazing people, really. It's a very hard thing to be a fighter. Number one, you have to be able to take hundreds of shots to the face within a couple of rounds and enjoy going out for the fifth rounds. You know, there aren't a lot of guys. A lot of great athletes have tried to be fighters. It doesn't work out so well. Very rarely it doesn't. work out. But this was something that was a very special moment. I thought this was a tremendous

debate. And then, and when you look at it, you know, it's interesting. Now that they're reviewing it, it was all word salad from her. The first question, I said, what kind of an answer is that? But the fake news said, oh, she did well, no matter what you do, if I were Winston Churchill, he was a great debater, by the way, and an elegant debater, if I were Winston Churchill, they would say, well, he was okay, but he wasn't special tonight. That was the kind of stuff. You were exactly the same as the previous debate. That's what, if you look at it, there was I think so. Yeah, there was no difference. I actually wanted that attitude. You know, I have that different attitudes, right? And you never know about debate. It's a little like

Mike Tyson said. He said, everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. And there's a lot of truth of that, right? No, yeah. And you walked in, you caught three before you even settle out of you. Well, I mean, I had people telling me that I'm wrong about things where I'm totally right. I was right about just about all of that stuff that they were correcting me. And I think my only regret is that I wanted to be elegant and I didn't want to go after the anchors. I wish I did in a way. That's our job. We took care of him. We got it. We got to take a quick break and then we're to come back with more from the future president.

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So, Mr. Trump, the thing that I think there's a, my theory is that famous people don't like it when their fame is put in proper perspective, when it's dwarfed by somebody with more fame. So they prefer to be on the hierarchy of fame. They want to be on top. I notice a lot of these guys, that's, it's an emotional response to the fact that you're bigger, more well-known. Does that make sense? Well, I watch. I know some of them. And like Howard, I was on Howard Stern show as much as anybody. And he was great at that time. And then he went woke. And since he's gone woke, his ratings have gone down on the tubes. And he sort of went anti-Trump for a couple of reasons. But I was on his show a lot. In fact, he has a best of. Did you ever see the best of? Best of Howard Stern. I don't want to promote it necessarily. And I was there for just about all of them, the best stuff.

We had good shows. It was good. But he's changed, and, you know, he doesn't do the ratings anymore. No, he doesn't. He doesn't have to. He's almost finished. Kat, do you remember Howard Stern? No, but I was, but you've been on every show.

I mean, you've been on TV a lot. A lot of shows. I mean, would you rule out, I'm not saying now, but would you ever rule out doing reality TV again? Like, what about hosting Love Island? I think so. You know, I have, I had, I had, The Apprentice for 12 years, 14 seasons, but 12 years, a lot of time.

They wanted to renew me for five years. They were all set to do it, and I didn't want to do it. I wanted to run for president. Mark Burnett, who's a great guy and, you know, the producer and all. And all of the people from NBC, everybody came up to see me to talk me out of running. They said, it's not possible to win. Nobody's ever done that. I mean, and nobody ever gives up primetime show.

It was a big hit. And they wanted to do a five-year extension. and I said, no, that's actually what I knew I was going to do it. And, I mean, I love doing The Apprentice. It was so successful. The big question is, did it make a difference? Would I have been president? You know, a lot of people say they created this guy from The Apprentice,

and I don't know if that's true because they chose me because of the, you know, the success. I think it was your chemistry with Brett Michaels. Yeah. Brett Michaels was a character. We had great characters. And we learned a lot about, I mean, we had Dennis Rodman, was great. Oh, he was fantastic. And we had tremendous characters on the show. We had a lot of, I mean, everybody was helped, basically, by being on The Apprentice. But I just wanted to do it.

I saw what was happening with the country. The country was going bad. And now, what they've done with the border and the wall and the whole thing, I could have built an extra 200 miles. I built much more than I said I was going to build, and it worked. I had the Mexican government giving us 28,000 troops. We had so many Mexican troops. They had no choice. They had to. Otherwise, I said, I'm going to put tariffs on your cars that you stole from. You know, they stole 32% of our car industry, okay, you know, which is not, we'll get it back. Don't worry about it. But, you know, I really felt I wanted to do it because we can make our country.

The Make America Great Again is such a great MAGA, is such a great tag. And I watched Biden where he was very angry at MAGA. He said, we've got to stop MAGA. And I'm saying, it's Make America Great Again. Yes. Instead of does it work for a while, right? Make America today. And that's what we'll do.

If you think of it, we have 21. I believe it's 21. They say 16, but what difference? I mean, it's a lot of people, more people than any country could sustain. 21 million people, many come out of jails and prisons, slight difference between one being a little bit more harsh. They come out of mental institutions and insane asylums. They come out of terrorist schools.

They come literally out of schools, but they're terrorists. We have people coming from gangs, the worst gangs in the world, MS-13, considered the meanest gang. They cut people up. They don't want to use guns. They attacked two young, 16-year-old, beautiful girls walking to school. They cut them up with a knife. They didn't want to shoot them because it wasn't painful. They both died.

And these people are coming out into our country. And now you look at what's happening in, like Aurora in Colorado. Venezuela, Venezueling gangs are taking over the real estate. They're becoming real estate developers, and they have... Do they get little cards? They have whatever they want. You know, like a little real estate card? Yeah, yeah.

They have their little card as a bullet. Yes. Mr. President, can I ask you a question? We're talking about the border, not just all the young military-aged men that are coming across this country, the fentanyl that's coming across this country. Terrible. If you were in office, would you consider taking importation of fentanyl as a terrorist act? Because if you count it under terrorism, then our apartment defense can get involved. when you give our law enforcement a break.

Correct. Well, and you can even go further than that. Yeah, I mean, you could send pictures of their mansions to certain generals in Mexico. And by the way, these are really, these are really rich people. These are the cartel people. These are really rich. Look, we can play games and we can be nice and we can be smart. You're never going to, I set a blue ribbon committees, friends in my, oh, could I get on a committee? They didn't know the first thing about it. They don't know about El Chapo.

They don't know about it. These are very smart, hardened people. And, you know, I'm setting up a blue-ribbon committee with socialites from New York and California. It's ridiculous. They don't even want to talk about it. They talk about it for two minutes. Then they start talking about society.

The only way you're going to stop this is the death penalty for drug dealers. I don't know if this country is ready for it. But if you think about it, each drug dealer, on average, kills 500 people. On average, he or she, drug dealer, kills 500 people. I know so many families who have lost a son or a daughter, or parents even, to fentanyl. And I had a deal worked out with China, with presidency directly, that he was going to give. You know, China has a death penalty.

I said to him, do you have a drug problem when I first met him? He looked at me like, what a stupid question. Exactly. He said, no, no, no, no, no drug problem. I said, well, what do you do? Death penalty, immediate death penalty. And I said, hmm, that sounds. He said, without it, I talked to him a lot about it.

He said, without it, you know, China was a drug-loaded country years ago. Other countries, much smaller, would take it over because they were all drugged out with the opium and the poppy. And they had a big problem. But they execute drug dealers. They have absolutely no drug problem. Singapore has no drug problem. And it's not nice to talk about, but it's the only way you're going to solve it from.

You're never going to have, now we got it down to great numbers, the lowest numbers, the wall helped a lot of things helped but in terms of a drug getting a drug free country you can't have that unless you have the death penalty for the dealers all right we got to take it as a maybe

on Love Island all right Kamala says some more nonsense roll it hello to all my divine brothers and sisters and my sorrows.

It was school photo day. You remember what that's like? You really ought to understand at a very deep level how much your words have meaning. A future where we can see what is possible unburdened by what has been. We can see what is possible unburdened by what has been.

Unburdened by what has been. Well, do you, there's an objective crowd. All right, it's hard to kind of figure out what she's saying. Why doesn't anybody ever ask a follow-up question? Like, what do you mean? Well, that should have happened in the debate. Yeah. And the interesting thing is doesn't do interviews.

You would not see her come onto the show. I can tell you right now. We ask her now. Come on this show, Kamala. We'll have a box of wine. She doesn't like doing interviews. Yeah. And she's not knowledgeable about economy and various things.

And I think it would be a problem. But you know what? He was pretty much gone. They said, Joe, it's over. You're getting out. And he said, I'm not getting out. You're getting out. And they were very nasty, 25th Amendment and everything else.

He got out. And they put her in. And she's somehow a woman. somehow she's doing better than he did but I can't imagine it can last because so weak on people coming in she's the one that she was the border sir she allowed 21 million people to come in

the thing we were just talking about and many of these people are the wrong people for this country you have murderers you have killers you have prisoners prisons are being emptied out all over the world not just in South America and they're coming and she allowed that

and I think eventually people going to figure it out. Yeah, I hope so. I mean, the thing is, she's got the entire media doing PR for her. So it's like, it's like no one asks follow-up questions. No one bothers to fact-check her. Emily, do you have a question? You seem like you do. I do. So, Mr. President, my question is about voting block strategy. And it's that we know there are 90 million evangelicals in this country, 40 million of whom don't vote and 15 million of whom aren't even registered to vote. So what's our plan to harness those votes for you in November? It's such an incredible statement question because evangelicals, they're great people.

They're 95% for me, but they don't vote, meaning they don't vote proportionally. If they would vote, nobody could, nobody could beat you. And I have total support from evangelical Christians and from other groups. I'll tell you another group that doesn't vote. Gun owners, they don't vote. The NRA endorsed me totally every time, but they endorse me totally. But you look at the number of people. I don't know what it is.

They're rebellious or something? I don't know what it is. But evangelicals, if they voted, there wouldn't even be an election. You could cancel it. If the gun owners voted, I mean, the gun owners are just a massive proportion. If they voted, but they vote like at 16% or something, if the people, because they want to take your guns away, she wants to confiscate your guns, she wants to take them away. And, you know, she's now trying to get out of it.

So she had policies that she's now changed 14 policies about fracking. She was totally against for 15 years fracking. Now all of a sudden, a short while ago, she came out in favor of fracking. Same thing with guns. She said, no, no, I don't want to take your guns. I don't want to. For 20 years, she's wanted to take your guns. All of a sudden, a short while ago, she said, no, no, I don't want to.

One thing about a politician, they always revert back to where they were at the beginning, because that's what their natural inclination is, Her father is a Marxist professor. I mean, that's the way it is. And he's currently, and I don't know what happened to the father, but we haven't seen him. I'd love to be able to talk to him. You know, Barack Hussein Obama's brother is supporting Trump. This Governor Walsh, his brother and his whole family is supporting me.

In fact, they want to make contributions to my campaign. Well, to be fair, a lot of brothers are supporting president. That's true. That's true. Lay up. That's what we do over here. It is funny. Waltz is a strange dude.

Oh, he's strange. He is strange. Him and I are the same age. How does he look so much younger? No, he's a strange guy. You know, he called up years ago. I was in the White House, and he said, my house is being surrounded by people with American flags. I said, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

He said, I think they're going to attack me. This was during the riots and everything else. They were mega people. You know, they elect the American flag, all right? And they also had Trump. And I said, how do you know? They were about 15,000. He said, could you put out a word like that I'm your friend?

I don't even know them. But it's the only time I ever spoke to them. And if you look back long ago, tweets before truth, tweets, long ago I put out a statement, he's a good man, the governor. He's on our side. I didn't know him, but I didn't want him to get hurt. And everybody put down their flags and they left. He said it was a miracle.

He said he was a miracle. I didn't want him to get hurt. Scared by the American flag. They just, they just... And they say he's not a nice guy. I would have had fun with that. I'm like, call the barbecue. Go outside.

He remembers it, actually. He was a little bit nervous about things. They had one guard. He said, we have one guard at the door. It was the mansion, the mansion, the mansion, first state. Then he said, we have one guard at the door, and you have 15,000 people out there.

And I'm a little bit... I don't know. They look violent. I said, are they carrying the American flag? They're not going to be violent. Yes. But I put out a statement, and they just went back. It was sort of a beautiful thing in a lot of ways. Yeah. Thanks to cat-tint. Emily Tires, President Donald Trump, our studio audience. Fox News said as next time, Greg, Godfather. Love You, America.

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