Gutfeld! Monologues - Gutfeld Plays Cupid?

Episode Date: February 15, 2025

As seen on Gutfeld!, Greg pokes fun while giving advice on one of the nation's most dreaded and highly-anticipated holidays. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Happy V.D. And Valentine's Day. It's Friday, so you know what that means?

I'm going to do it that one or somewhere. It's leftovers where I read the jokes we didn't use this week. And as always, it's my first time reading them. So if they suck, we'll send Joe Mackey to Rashida Taleb's kissing booth. So today is Valentine's Day, which means in New York City that after every stabbing, you receive a Russell Stover sampler. According to a new poll, Joe Biden is the least popular living. president. His supporters, his supporters dispute that, saying he's dead. Meanwhile, a former Democrat donor claims Joe Biden was put on drugs before campaign events.

Well, that explains the erection. Off the coast of Chile, a kayaker was caught on camera being swallowed by a humpback whale, prompting Joey Behar to say, I was nowhere near Chile. There's a rumor that Coney West and Bianca said, sorry, are headed for divorce. Kanye better not blame this on the Jews, or it's going to be hard to find a good lawyer. I don't know. I don't get it.

It was funny. The LAPD brass are providing instructions for illegal immigrants on how to evade ice. Advice includes blending in by not watching soccer. That's where you can find illegals. Just follow the shouting. The University of Michigan is apparently changing the names of its DEI offer. to evade Trump's executive order. That reminds me of when Osama bin Laden asked his friends to start calling him Jeff.

As part of her bucket list, a 104-year-old woman was allowed to spend some time in jail. I know. The high point was when she made some 90-year-old her bitch. It's funny. According to Anna Polina Luna, who leads the task force on the declassification of the JFK assassination records, there were two shooters involved in JFK's killing. Typical, I know. Man kept that secret for 62 years.

A woman kept it for 6.2 minutes. Chicks. Am I right, huh? Don't tell them secrets. Donald Trump met with the Prime Minister of India and pressed him to lower their tariffs toward the U.S. Trump even offered to throw in Anna Navarro since in India cows are sacred. Trump said that Canada is a very serious contender to be our 51st state. All they have to do is learn how to pronounce about.

I'll hon Omar might run against Tim Waltz in the Minnesota Senate race. Poor Minnesotans, that's like having to choose between cancer and AIDS. Because they're both bad. Elon must... Cat, you just got that? Kat, can you stand up? I just agree. What?

Can you stand up? He wants me to just, okay, sure. Go to a shot of cats. Would you stand up? He's armed by the way that I look. Okay. Come on. I don't think people.

Okay, take a wide shot. Thank you. Every shot with me and is a wide shot. I don't think people understand how pregnant she really is. At home, you can't really tell from this angle. And then when I was doing live, people see me out. And they're like, whoa. All right, back to the jokes.

So Elon Musk's four-year-old was mocked by the view over his name, prompting Musk's child to exclaim, Daddy, I didn't know hippos could talk. NASA says an asteroid's odds to hit the Earth by the year 2032 are up by 2.3%. Meanwhile, the odds of Jerry Nadler hitting the toilet bowl are zero. We're awful. Elon Musk revealed that paperwork for retiring federal employees is processed entirely by hand. In an underground mine.

Here's a look at some of the workers. Someone in Pennsylvania stole 100,000 eggs from the back of a truck. And in a strange coincidence, guess who was spotted nearby with 10,000 pounds of bacon? A Florida woman gave birth on a New York City subway train. Not surprising, the baby's first words were, What the fuck you're looking at? They can't bleat that because it's a direct quote. And finally, the sports governing body known as the World Athletics

is hiring staff to swab the cheeks of female athletes to make sure they are not trans. Which cheeks, asked one man. To the monologue. So as dough slices through our government waste at fraud and abuse, it would be nice to hear from the waste fraud and abuse itself. If only, it had a voice. Oh, wait, it does.

You can't spell felon without Elon. Trump and Musk like to say, we're reading out fraud, waste, and abuse. We're looking at efficiency. That's a dog whistle. Elon Musk ripped up the Constitution and our system of checks and balances. The Trump administration and unelected billionaire Elon Musk have led a reckless and illegal attack on USAID. Nine million veterans are watching you give them the middle finger. And we're not going to stand for it.

So watching the Dems react to Doge is like watching a mobster plead with a cop to ignore the kicking noises coming from inside the trunk of his car. And now they care about the Constitution. Come on, we know they hate the Constitution because it's only one ply. We'll be back with more Gutfeld. This episode is brought to you by eBay. We all have that piece. The one that's so you, you've basically become known for it. And if you don't yet, fashionistas, you'll find it on eBay.

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When you're feeling the heat, Circle K makes your day. A little toilet paper joke there. And we also know why they're really outraged. They're scared, but also offended that for once they're being held to the same rules the rest of us are. As in those of us who worked in a business or ran one, we've all been there even if it's a lemonade stand. Or in my case, a lemonade emporium, which put all those little shit bags in my neighborhood out of business. Yeah, in your face, Billy. Yeah, their outrage that Trump is forcing them to show their work,

go through the budgets, the line items, cost and overruns, losses and theft. And their reaction to this makes you wonder what they're hiding. So imagine if you opened a restaurant, and you've already hired the bus boys. Investors gave you a boatload of money to launch this huge undertaking. And a year goes by, and those investors are showing up and asking, how's it going? And you say, eh, not great. Probably because you offered all you can eat shrimp to the wrong person. And the investors say, well, can you show us your books? And you say, no way! And then you get angry at them for even asking. Well, wouldn't a reasonable person say,

that's odd. I give you money and you think it's wrong for me to see where the money went? Well, that's the federal government. And as taxpayers, we're the investors. It's no different than running a bar, a diner, or anything that serves customers. It goes under if you don't keep tabs on the tabs. It's why Larry Kudlow is banned from Hooters and Cracker Barrel. But Dems have never had to keep anything within a budget. Not even Pelosi's face. That alone costs $50 million.

Fact is, Trump's basically running a nationwide version of Bar Rescue, where everyone can see how the sausage gets made and stolen. We just found out, for example, the Department of Health and Human Services blew 22 billion on things like cars, homes, and startup businesses for migrants. So while victims of disasters were given 750 bucks

to pitch a tent where their business used to stand, Venezuelan gang members in NYC just opened a tire sealant butt clinic. But implant clinic. Yeah, that's better. Worse, EPA Chief Lee Zeldon revealed $20 billion was sitting in a private bank to be doled out to green energy companies that Biden abandoned without proper oversight. I heard one green company received millions to produce Joy Behar nude calendars. That's to encourage people to turn out the lights.

Doge is also cleaning house at the Department of Education. And yeah, even the IRS, auditing the auditors. What's next? Checking Jerry Nadler's secret expense accounts for liquid plumber. So the story really isn't just the fraud. It's those freaking out about its exposure. That puts them on the other side of the good guys. We know eliminating waste and abuse is paramount,

as is reducing the size of an arrogant, bloated government. It's good for everyone. But whoever it's bad for are the ones screaming about it. Because to them, government was never about helping you, but helping themselves. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon Music app. This is Jason Chaffetz from the Jason in the House podcast. Join me every Monday to dive deeper into the latest.

political headlines and chat with remarkable guests listen and follow now at foxnewspodcast.com or wherever you download podcasts