Gutfeld! Monologues - He Looks Like A Jester And Stole Polyester

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

As seen on Gutfeld! FOX News Contributor, Kat Timpf, Host of FOX Across America Jimmy Failla, Editor-and-Chief of The Federalist, Mollie Hemingway, and TV Writer and Producer, Rob Long discuss the revelation that a non-binary ex-Biden Administration official was on a government-funded trip at the time he stole someone's luggage.     Later, the panel weighs in on how Kim Kardashian's shapewear company, Skims, saved a life in the most unexpected of way.   Follow Greg on Twitter: @GutfeldFOX Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Guess whether it's radio, stand up, or driving a cab, people say he stinks. Host of Fox Across America, Jimmy Phelah. She's my favorite Molly, that's still legal. editor-in-chief of the federalist, Molly Hemingway. He's got the makings of a star because he's 10% hydrogen. TV writer and producer Rob Long. And she's like an overcooked steak, kind of tough and popular with fat guys. Fox News contributor, Katow.

freaking news. Yeah. He's one of our very own spies who steals from you when he flies. I speak of Brinton, Sam Brinton, and he likes his luggage stolen, not stored. Got one laugh. New internal documents reveal Sam Brinton, Biden's sticky-fingered ex-nuclear energy official was traveling on a secret taxpayer-funded trip when he allegedly stole a woman's suitcase and contents worth nearly four grand in Nevada. Yep, he's like a non-binary double agent, putting the bond in bondage. No fan of wordplay here, huh?

Oh, man. And you and me paid for the whole trip, the whole thing. Brinton's Vegas trip happened in summer 2022, but it wasn't until December when he was charged with grand larceny. And he lived high on the hog, metaphorically. Staying out of Hilton on the Vegas strip and racking up almost two grand in charges that we, again, ended up paying for. One could say he lived like a king and a queen. So he was on some sort of top secret mission, but instead of a license to kill, he had a license to steal girls and leggings. He looks like a kid with chemo who just mugged Mrs. Roper.

Wow. I know. But he had some great gadgets to bulletproof lip gloss and a wristwatch that could tell him where the closest brunch was. Can you imagine what kind of spy Brinton would make? Don't scoff in this day and age. Maybe Sam Brinton is our new James Bond. God knows we hate the old racist sexist one. Maybe it's time for a new 007 and it's double O creepy. Saving America isn't a job for one man or one woman. It takes someone that can be both or neither. Terrorists would love to get their hands on nuclear fuel, but they didn't count on this watchdog. With the help of stolen luggage, they is a master of disguise.

From Los Alamos to the women's swim team, there's no place they can't go. They can even infiltrate the most competent non-seenile administration we've ever seen. They can't put they in a box, but can they put they in a jail cell? You've seen they in pronouns are forever. Man with a golden gown. and your mom's clothes. But this summer, Sam Brinton is the they who loved me. Molly, were you surprised to learn?

He was living high on the hog, on R. Dime. And is that so outrageous? Just in general, you know, you just realize you never know anything about anyone. Like you look at this man and you think, what a sensible, sane person. He should totally be in charge of our nuclear, uh, waste or whatever it was. You know, this is just really shocked. I think we're all shocked that this man was not as stable as he appeared to be. No, he doesn't. I don't know. Hey, you know, just because you're unstable, that doesn't mean you steal. That's true. There's a lot

of unstable people who, um, no, they steal. No. They do. They're all thieves. Jimmy, give it to me. So what do you make of this? This guy actually dresses worse than you do, but at least you pay for your clothes. You go to the goodwill and you pour down that hard-earned $3. You got from telling jokes on the subway. You guys are taking a lot of shots at my designer tonight. I'm not really going to stick up for him, but his C&I dog deserves better than this. Here's the thing, man. It's amazing to think that the one bag this administration didn't steal was cocaine.

Yes. But this is like part of the problem. Like, okay, when you talk about him living high in the hog, like for real, if we were going to be constructive, He's technically at the same time flying every week for this administration. Think of how much money he saved us on baggage fees. That's true. It's almost like a push. But this is the problem with identity politics appointments.

You can't vet them because any pushback is framed as bigotry. Like, oh, you're against this weirdo in a dress with a mustache. You must hate these people. And you're like, no, he has no qualifications for doing the gig. It's like the same thing that happened with Mayor Pete. Like traditionally, if your nickname is Pothole Pete, you don't get left in charge of every road in America is transportation. Exactly.

It's like we're going to hire an education secretary named summer school Steve. You know what I mean? And you would if he was gay because you can't criticize him. It's like you're living, like this guy, like this guy is, there's a difference between Mayor Pete and this fellow. This fellow is a complete whack job. But he was living his life in plain sight,

which was basically telling you, keep away, you can't question me, you know, how dare you accuse me of this? Think about this. Would you let that watch your kids? to your kids. There's no chance, but he's in charge of nuclear waste management. Kat, what do you make of this new information as a libertarian? It must leave you fuming. Will taxes do that in general? Yes. I think it's fine to want to, you know, stand out and go

against the grain. And clearly this person is an all eyes on me type of person. That's all fine and good. But you can't do that while also wanting to be the kind of person who wears stolen clothes. This person is such a stupid person. Yeah. I don't understand. You have to choose one or the other, either a life of crime or a life in the public eye. Right. You can't do crimes in public.

Tell Joe Biden then. Yeah. That may be where he got it from. They got it from. Rob. I don't know if you can't do crimes and be in the public. I mean, he dresses like the Joker. And I'd expect to not get caught.

You know what he is? He is a kind of a low-rent comic book villain. Yeah. Like the good old days, you know, I'm going to age myself. But Batman, you know, you had the riddler. He wore a funny suit. Yeah. The riddler wore a great suit. You had the Joker, obviously, which has been done to death. I prefered Caesar Romero. You did. Yeah, who also, I think. Yes. Burgess Meredith, as the penguin, he had the little top hat in a monocle. Like, criminals had flare. Maybe we're on the wrong side of this. By the way, every single one of those references really connects to the young people. Right, that's great. Wait a way to do my next reference. I just wanted to be in the meeting where they say, look, we got the secret mission that we need to send somebody on to be discreet about it.

Who do we send on the secret mission? How about the guy in the green lipstick? Yeah. Like what kind of like what you'd think it would be the nondescript person you sent on the secret mission. And him, you, you know, you find something that's more appropriate for his style. That's the double agent, double think. It's like you would never hide in plain sight. hide and play. You would never pick the most ostentatious attention-seeking person.

Didn't the CIA used to do that? Didn't they used to, like, use actors and people that- Used to. Used to. Yes. Yes. I don't think they ever used the guy in a green dress and lipstick. Well, you know what? But then I don't know. The history of CIA is mystery to me. You made fun of my references. Oh, do I have one for you? Oh, really? So I keep looking at Sam Brinton, and I'm trying to figure out who he reminds me of. And then it's dawned to me as a kid, this weird comic strip called Henry. Did you ever see it? Does anybody remember Henry?

Yeah. Too bad we don't have a picture of it because that would be really helpful. Oh, Henry. Like some of you, even the people in the control room didn't know who I was talking about. I still have no idea here you're talking about. The creepiest, this is the creepiest. He was the creepiest comment book character. He was mute.

He was young and he was bald. But they drew him like it was Charlie Brown if he lost his mouth in an accident. I know. No, it was, I do not understand. And by the way, this was older than Peanuts. It came out in like 1930. Well, clearly. He couldn't eat peanuts.

Look at his face. Anyway. I just feel like it's a, you know, he looks a little like Matt Damon who's made some very bad life choices. Yes, exactly. He has the Matt Damon face. That dude, Sam Brinton looks like if the person you'd see, the first person you'd see if you woke up in a basement with no idea how you got there. That's what he looks like. You know, that's always been my dream date.

That's hot. All right, up next, she lives another day because her fat wasn't on. display. All right, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by eBay. We all have that piece. The one that's so you, you've basically become known for it.

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And now we can all relax. And order these matching hood. to get cozy and cute, fast. Fast, free delivery. It's on Prime. A story in five words. Five words. Kim's Skims saves woman's life.

Kim Kardashian saved my life. This New Year's I got shot four times. The night that I got shot under my dress, wearing a skim shaping body suit. It was so tight on me that it literally kept me from bleeding out. Kat? Yeah. Hey, you've said to me many times that you felt Kim Kardashian was an American hero.

But that was a gunshot survivor who says her skim's body suit, which comes from the Kim Kardashian line, saved her life. Yeah. One person claiming that Skims protected her from bullets doesn't mean. it's true. But it definitely does mean that Chris Jenner is already working on getting Kim a partnership with a weapons company. Yes. She's probably had like eight separate Zoom calls with weapons contractors. She's like, in search of body armor that also lifts in sculpts, Skim's war zone. You can look fire under fire. That was a great joke, but none of you have seen the Kardashians. I'm sorry to have a comic book that was over 40 years ago.

40, 80. Yeah, it was more like 100, by the way. It was. Molly, here's the thing. This is like, I was thinking about this. Same, same thing. This is like lightweight body armor. It's kind of sad that we're in a time in society

where we are actually thinking about creating something to wear every day that repels bullets, but that's where we're living. Yeah, I mean, this is a great story. And I'm really happy for this woman that her life was saved from wearing this, but I was mostly like, where is this happening? You're just randomly getting shot walking like out on a date wearing your girdle. Yeah, but I don't know. Where was it? I wasn't I didn't read the story. It's five words. It was Kansas City. Kansas City? Yeah. Wow. See, every city's going to hell, Rob. Well, to be fair, I mean, it didn't repel the bullets. No, it didn't. The bullets still broke her, entered her. It's just that the strength of the fabric. held whatever was going to come tumbling out in, including its blood. I mean, I don't really understand the physics of it, except that I feel like it's probably, you know, there are other things you can do in your life to keep from getting shot four times on New Year's Eve.

But what I loved about it was she said, look, you can you can call it fate, you can call it Jesus, but I'm going to call it Kim. Oh, wow. And I kind of feel like every single thing. thing wrong with America today is in that sentence right there. If you ever want to know anything is wrong, it's like, it's like I can call fate or you can call it Jesus. You know, imagine you're on shark tank. Yeah. You're a shark tank and you're facing Kevin O'Leary and you come out, you go, sharks, I was once shot in Times Square. True story happened to me. It didn't. But anyway,

but then you, but none of those stories are true on Shark Tank. I was shot on Times Square. And luckily, my girlfriend was wearing blah, blah, blah. It's like, and you come up with clothing tourniquets. And Kevin O'Leary- Well, that's basically what that was. That's a clothing tourniquet. That sounds like Lone Shark Tank. Yes. I got beat up by the mob.

You know, we are, I'm sorry. No, no, it's all you. We're running out of ammunition in our war in Ukraine and stuff. Maybe Kim Kardashian does have an opportunity here to blend in with the military industrial complex. I agree. Put the body in body armor. I love it. Put the booty in booty armor.

Mine made sense. Yeah, there's another joke in there, I can't say. Well, let's talk about the obvious point, though. Okay, what she's leaving out is she only got shot because of the skims. Because the guy spent all that money on dinner thinking she had a much better body than she did. Oh, that is so good. He's like, oh, hell no. No, New Year's Eve, that dinner's expensive, man.

I got to say, you murder, she wrote it the hell out of that story. Thank you. There you go. Where's the justice? That's pretty good. That's it? Oh, no. I'm clearly anti-skims.

I'm more of a Spanx girl, as you could see, but I think it's smart because once you tag the celebrity, if it goes viral, she will get something from the Kardashians. But I do think it's weird. It's like stories are no. I have this feeling that we've kind of given up on the idea of rolling back crime. Yeah, it's kind of like it's now just here for good. Just wear something that'll make it better.

Yeah, just make some, now we're going to make, we're going to make clothing that helps you deal with the crime rather than just fight the crime. And it's like, you listen to that DA today, I think it was in San Francisco said her job wasn't to fight crime, her job was to reform justice. So they were perfectly okay with, with, with, uh, or in, in Oakland where they said like, try having better reinforcement of your front doors to stop theft. It's like, that's not how this is supposed to work. That's a better example.

Yeah, what's your problem? Your doors are weak. If only everyone in San Francisco had your door. Yes. Your doors are weak and your underwear is all loose and floppy. Pull yourself together. Come on. America.

You don't even want to live. Hold yourself in with spandex and lycra. But like, all right. But if we were going to just talk about this on like, like a serious level. There's no way this did anything. Okay, I understand it's tighter. Okay, you've all seen like gunshot scenarios and crime on the street. Think of like Lee Harvey Oswald when he got shot in the stomach. They weren't like, is there a spandex in the house? You're getting shot. It's a bad thing, guys. Don't listen to skims. That's a really good

like message to today's youth. Don't you think? We are out of time. Thanks to Jimmy Baila, Molly Hemingway, Rob Long Katzibar, studio audience, and I was Ruby Trace Gallagher's like, I love you, America. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts, and Amazon Prime members can listen to this show

ad-free on the Amazon Music app. Hey, I'm Trey Gowdy host of the Trey Gowdy podcast. I hope you will join me every Tuesday and Thursday as we navigate life together, and hopefully find ourselves a little bit better on the other side. Listen and follow now at foxnewspodcast.com.