Gutfeld! Monologues - Hunter Guffaws At American Laws

Episode Date: December 16, 2023

As seen on Gutfeld!, Comedian Rob Schneider, Actor and Comedian Jamie Lissow, FOX News Contributor Kat Timpf, and FOX News Contributor Tyrus discuss Hunter Biden's press conference where he lashed out at critics while defying a subpoena to testify at his father's impeachment probe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. Let's welcome tonight's guess. He was on SNL before it stood for. Sorry, nobody's laughing. Comedian and star of the new movie Daddy Daughter Trip, Rob Schneider. Wait a second. If he's here, who's picking up Rob Schneider's dry cleaning.

Actor, writer, and comedian Jamie Lissow. She's frail, pale, and won't register on a scale. New York Times bestselling author and Fox News contributor Kat Toom. And to him, every house is made of gingerbread. New York Times bestselling author, comedian, and former NWA World Television championship champion, Tyrus. All right, Tyrus. I knew, I knew that he was going to come to me first for this.

So I am prepared, fellas. That reaction is what's wrong with America. I have a black zone, no whitey area, and 99.9% of the audience of white tonight, and they said, yay, good for you. We can't come in your fort. It's a fort. And guess what? What? It's lonely in here.

She's married to a white man. I'd just like to point that out too. Are we sure this is not a ploy because your husband's the guy who drinks too much and ruins the party? Because I'm always told you can't come to things because there's no tattooed people who are out. And you know what? They say it was a plus one. And she probably could tell her husband, you can't come. You're white.

And here's the thing. Nobody wants to ever have a Christmas party without white guys. Yeah. They're the ones who do all the stupid shit you talk about for the rest of the year. Like, who do you think it's the guy who's going to get on a Xerox machine? Not us. Cow tipping was invented by goofy, drunk white guys at Christmas parties. So, see?

So, idiot. If I had a black-only Christmas party, me, Charles Payne, Harris Falker, Lawrence Jones, and guess what? What? It'd be boring. You forgot Jesse Waters. He's 1% black. Or so he claims. I don't know DNA, but I am 1 million percent sure. He might be negative one.

All right. Rob, by the way, congratulations on Daddy Daughter Trip. This looks like a great movie. I'll be watching it on my DVD tonight. Thank you. They still make them, I hear. Yes, they do. Yes, and it's available for digital downloads.

But the thing is, look, I'm offended that anyone is allowed to talk about Asians here, since I'm the only person that's part Asian. Yeah, that's true. I should be allowed. Can you imagine, though, the dream of the KKK when it was all falling apart? Can you imagine, like, you know what we could do, claim? What could do this, Vern, we try this one. We'll tell them black people and them people in color that they'd safer for them to be separate from us,

and then they can have parties separate. And then we segregate them again. They'll never be too stupid to fall for that. People forget how, you know, but seriously, Asians are racist. They're the most racist. Really? Yes. My mother, Filipino, she used to add a syllable to the word black. She wouldn't just say black. She'd go, balak!

She would add it. And they were racist. Asians are racist. Balak! She was racist. Balak! She was racist. against other Asians. My mother would actually say, I don't trust him.

Why? He's Filipino. Aren't we Filipino? Yes, I don't trust us either. That's your brother. Watch him. I love this show. Jamie, does this remind you of your family's annual No Jamie Christmas party? Holy.

Oh, oh, oh, man. I normally wouldn't do this, but you can come in. That's really nice. How long is that going to stay up, by the way? I know. Forever. So, Jamie, what are your thoughts? It was where I felt like it made me feel like a little bit bad

when you said the no Jamie's on thing. And then the way Rob laughed made me feel worse. feel worse. It was like the joke. You have to be, by the way, my favorite, you know how I always do my favorite phrase from your monologue? My favorite phrase from today's monologue was woke meat grinder. That was actually the name of the gay breakfast place. We'd go to a college. Isn't the problem with this for real? It's the, it was an honest mistake. But the way she phrased, It would be like if you cheated on someone and then you said to the person you were dating, you go like, oh my God, you finding the condom was an honest mistake, right? Like it doesn't apologize for the thing that she did wrong. You have to be careful with your reply all, though.

Yeah. This is one of those things where maybe she replied. This happened to me once. I'm not having a cake. Once when I was married, my wife emailed me and it said, we should have an intimate night. We should do like a date night and have, and by mistake, she sent it to me. Wow. I'm all for racism, though, and it's stuff I don't want to go to anyway. Right. Yeah. You know, I'm all about no whites at the Christmas party. I'd be like no whites at the craft store. I'm in. No whites in the changing area when your wife's trying to address. Fine. All about it. All right. You know, Kat, here's an interesting question. Do the officials of color get to go to two parties? Or have to go to two parties? Yes, have to. No, Tyrus, I think. I think that you're right about the fact that she just doesn't want her husband to go to the party. Yeah.

Because her husband is not just white. He's like Todd Pyro White. Oh, that white. Yeah, and I'm looking at a picture room right now on my phone. He's got his polo shirt tucked into his khakis. That's more white than Tom Shaloo. Yeah. So I just would love to hear the conversation at the house.

No, no, no, you're not coming to this one. Honey, you can't come to this. This is the no whites party. And if it's been going on for years, that means she's been. telling him that for years. Yes, exactly. And he's like, okay. I don't know. I think whatever, but it has to be about that. I think it always goes back to something more like that. Somebody didn't want their husband to come or their wife to come. And the whole, no, honey, it's fine. You don't have to go. It wasn't working. So they had to think of something else.

And then that's what they thought of. Yeah. That's where they always tell me, oh, this is a party for tall people. But you had Dana Perino's there. Yeah. And then I see Perino on Instagram. It's not fair. That's right, though. I feel like I'm starting to think, like, the No Jamie party is just for me. All right, we got to move on. That was a great segment and a great audience.

All right. Up next, Hunter Gaffa's at American Laws. All right, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. The best coast just got better. Introducing Quantum of the Seas sailing from L.A. this fall. Conquer next level thrills on the boldest ship in the web. Like flowrider surf sessions, bumper cars, and soaring 300 feet above sea level on the North Star.

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Hunter goes public after tired of going pubic. Defying a subpoena from the man who flashes his wiena. That's kind of Boston. Hunter Biden gave a press conference yesterday, lashing out critics while defying a subpoena to testify in dad's impeachment probe. It was hard to take him seriously, though, when he's wearing pants. Last month, the House Oversight Committee ordered Hunter to appear before Congress privately, but he reasoned if he never closes his bathrobe, why close the hearing?

I wonder, Hunter, are you here today to make sure that the House Committee's illegitimate investigation of your family do not proceed on distortions, manipulated evidence, and lies? I'm here today to make sure that the House Committee's illegitimate investigations of my family did not proceed on distortions, manipulated evidence, and lies. I'm also here today to correct how the Magu Right has portrayed me for their political purposes. Republicans do not want an open process where Americans can see their tactics, expose their baseless inquiry, or hear what I have to say. What are they afraid of? I'm here. I'm ready. Usually when Hunter says, I'm here and I'm ready, it's followed by,

and the money's on the dresser. Of course, defying subpoenas is a great way to get arrested, but so is lying on gun applications, not registering as a foreign agent, money laundering, and tax fraud. And I bet in the depths of his addiction, he was extremely irresponsible with his finances. In the depths of my addiction,

I was extremely irresponsible with my finances. But to suggest that his grounds for an impeachment inquiry is beyond the absurd. It's shameless. No, M.C. Hammer was irresponsible with his finances. You are credibly implicated in bribery and money laundering for the president. But who among us hasn't been a little sloppy with our household budget and then made it up with a part-time gig on the board of a Chinese energy company? In fact, there's clear.

Clear evidence to investigate as renowned legal scholar Jonathan Turley points out there's overwhelming proof the Biden family sold influence. The cash for access has been confirmed by recent testimony from Biden Associates while being universally ignored by House Dems. Oh, but I'm sure Hunter would want to state as clearly as he can. His father was not financially involved in his business. Let me state as clearly as I can. My father was not financially involved in my business, not as a practicing lawyer, not as a board member of Burisma,

not in my partnership with a Chinese private businessman, not in my investments at home nor abroad, and certainly not as an artist. Ah, artist. Yeah, Hunter's an artist the way Jill is a doctor or the way Joe is president. Yeah. Here's an interesting side note in the New York Times initial report. The paper omitted the word financially from Hunter's quote. It went from my father was not financially

involved in my business to my father was not involved in my business. See, I wonder who they're rooting for. At least it's good to see Hunter can still find a whore when he needs one. Rob, what do you make of this story? I think the defense is fabulous for the Democrats like, you cannot tie any of the corruption from the Chinese and the payments from the Ukrainian oligarchs. It has nothing to do with the president. It's the president's crack smoking whore-de-son.

That's someone who had to do it. There is no evidence. You can tie it to his brother. You can tie it to his sister-in-law, but to the president himself. There is a firewall of, of dementia that is blocking, you know, the... That's a great defense.

Yeah, isn't it? Dementia. He didn't know what he was doing because he doesn't know anything he's doing. Jamie, what do you make of this story? Well, first of all, I did not even recognize him with his penis put away. I go, is that even him? Can I just say it? Hunter is aging

like an organic blueberry. What is happening? But Rob said it like we have his, like we're supposed to believe Hunter who admits that he was blacked out on drugs. And then you have Biden who has dementia? Who do we get the real story from? This would be like, this would be like if two goldfish were the witnesses to a crime. He said he was sober. The thing is he says he has drugs.

But when this stuff occurred, he would have already sobered up. That's the thing. Yeah. And listen to this quote. He goes, they've invaded him. my privacy, attack my wife and children, tried to dehumanize me and embarrass and damage my father. And then when they turned the mics off, he went, that's my job. He's a one-man show. He's a one-man show. He discredited his own character, Kat. And we're not even

trying to make fun of that. Well, we are, but I feel like he probably thinks that if everybody just hears what he has to say, he can talk his way out of anything. And I know it kind of makes sense why he would feel that way. I mean, he got his brother's widow to have sex with him. True. And then he got his whole family to be like, that's fine, which I can't imagine how that makes you feel, Jamie, because, like, you didn't do any of that, and you're still not invited to your Christmas. But, you know, so I'm really sorry for how you must feel. But, I really, I mean, he thinks, just wait, they just have to hear me talk and everything. It'll

fine. It is insane to have sex with your dead brother's wife and have the whole family be like, stop acting like that's weird. Yeah. And then after that, impregnating a stripper and denying that child, it's like, how far can you push your relatives? Apparently there's no limit. Yeah, there is no limit. What do you make of this, Tyrus? It would depend on how strong the bed is, how far you could push her. Just putting that out there. Just saying, to Jamie's point, which is rare, No, because usually after you speak, I want to hug you. You know, so, but he did mention the one job that he is qualified for is doing drugs and chasing hookers.

He's good at it. Yeah. The other not so much. Like, I love the fact that the part that he was most insulted about was that they had the temerity. the mitigated gall to think his dad had anything to do with his art. I know. First and foremost, those paintings that I blow through my nose,

that was all me. Dad had nothing to do with that. Those people bought the paintings because I'm talented. Tell him, Dad. It was true. That was sincerity at the end there. No, that was just heated. My art. Because he's going to break, right?

He's going to break. He's going to end up telling on Daryl, Dad. The whole reason why he couldn't pay taxes was because you can't pay taxes when you're laundering money, but you can't do it. Yeah. Because you make a paper trail. And if your first choice is crack, you're going to be very good at fucking up. Yeah. So you're not allowed to file taxes.

You know, you kids at home, that sound economic advice from Uncle Tyrus. If you're going to do crack, you're not allowed to file taxes for the thing. Because all the returns are going to go to the crack dealer. Yes. Thank you, Kat Tim, Tyrus, our studio audience. I'm Great Gutfeld. I love you, America. Listen ad free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple.

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