Gutfeld! Monologues - President Biden's Numbers Dive & Kristi Noem's Dog Is Unalived

Episode Date: May 4, 2024

As seen on Gutfeld!, FOX News Contributor Kat Timpf, Musician Winston Marshall, Comedian Joe DeVito, and FOX News Contributor Julie Banderas discuss why President Biden's poll numbers are so disastrous.  Plus, Greg breaks down the odd story about South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem admitting to killing her dog in her new book. Follow Greg on Twitter: @GregGutfeld Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. Have a great night. Yes. Yes. Yes. All right. I have to say I agree with all of you. Happy Monday, everyone. So I'm sure you heard in her new book, South Dakota Governor Christy Knoem admits to slaughtering a puppy because she didn't like it. So as her VP chances plummet, one man spoke up and asked, don't judge her. She had her reasons, and you still have the puppy lying around. What? He eats dogs.

You didn't think I was going to let that pass, did you? Noam claimed she shot the dog because it had an aggressive personality. But isn't the definition of aggressive personality shooting a puppy? Anyway, I bet her kids are well-behaved. Later, Nome had to be stopped from opening fire on campus protesters once she heard they were in pup tents. uptenths. Meanwhile, I hear Alec Baldwin wants to hire her for a remake of Benji.

It's either that or 100 Dalmatians. Every sequel, it just gets less and less. Ninety-nine. Anyway, speaking of movies, President Joe Biden has tapped Steven Spielberg, the director, behind E.T. to tell Joe's story. Biden does have a lot in common with E.T. And that neither one knows how to get home. Dolly Parton is launching her own line of wine.

Not surprisingly, it's only available in jugs. I feel bad. Delting Boeing 767 had to return to JFK airport after its emergency slide fell off. In response, a rep for Spirit Air said, What's an emergency slide? Reportedly, last year, top Biden aides secretly tried to oust Karin Jean-Pierre because, quote, she doesn't have a grasp on the issues

and doesn't spend the time to learn. Apparently, her only qualification was that she's a black lesbian. So it was either press secretary or date Oprah. Anti-Israel protesters at Harvard flew a Palestinian flag, which had replaced the one that's usually there. The White House Correspondence Dinner was held on Saturday with 2,600 journalists and celebrities and people who are neither.

Protesters staged mockers. executions outside the White House Correspondents dinner after it was clear and none of them were interested in a hunger strike. At the dinner, Biden joke that he was a grown man running against a six-year-old. He said this right after a waiter had to cut his food. Eve Plum, who played Jan in the Brady Bunch,

is 66 today. Eve plans to spend the day the same day. the day the same way she always does, totally in Marsha's shadow. I figured that would land better. There's a new AI-powered death calculator that can accurately predict when you'll die. It's very popular among Christy Gnome's dogs. All right, enough of that crap. So after being criticized for avoiding the media, Joe Biden,

Biden has finally begun making some public appearances to disprove the notion that he's dead. And who did he start with? Howard Stern. That's right. The king of all media interviewed the petrified of all media. It was a weird appearance for fart man. And Howard Stern didn't look that great either.

But what an appearance it was. Of course, Joe had trouble hearing the questions, not because of his age, but because Howard had his head so far up the president's ass. It was muffled. It wasn't an interview. It was a Lewinsky. The only thing missing was a blue dress and an actual president. It's a clear indication that the king of all media is now the queen of all BJs.

Hey, you know, maybe Stern got a sex change, because all I saw when I looked at this interview was one giant pussie. Who knew the Stern show would be a safe space for spineless babbling geriatrics and also Joe Biden. But what was really notable was how Stern lapped up all the lies. Joe spin more yarn than Mother Goose on crystal meth. But that's the Dems dilemma. hide Joe and have him look demented or let him talk and remove all doubt. He's full of more hogwash than Joy Behar's bathtub. Yeah.

First of all, Joe lied about how he got busted at a protest while standing on a black family's porch. He said, Joey, let me remember true stories? I said, remember when they were desegregating Linfield, the neighborhood with a, you know, 70 homes, built a one, suburbia. And I told you, and there was a black family moving in, and there was people who were down there protesting.

I told you not to go down there, and you went down. Remember that? And you got arrested, he was standing on the porch with a black family. Right. And they brought you back, the police. And I said, yeah, Mom, I remember that. You know, whenever he says true story, that's a tip off.

I bet the mom recalls this differently. then she remembers him saying, you know, remembers herself saying, will someone please tell that white kid to get off our porch? He keeps sniffing our baby's hair. Of course, no one can find a record of this arrest. They tried. Biden also claimed to have been a runner up in state scoring in football. I don't think a lot of people know that you were a star receiver in high school. You were like the first string guy. You were the guy who caught the ball. runner up in state scoring you know what to have wow oh man stern knows his life story better than he does but i suppose the best evidence joe biden played football is the brain damage

stern didn't ask another phony question about being a lifeguard did you ever save anyone's life when you were a lifeguard was anyone ever drowning yeah you did yeah well half a dozen times usually younger kids you know but uh you do the thing with the whistle and then jump in in the bathing suit and get him. You got it. What? Yeah, half a dozen kids. Remember the good old days when Howard Stern interviewed more intelligent people who could

maintain a line of thought, you know, like crack whores? Stern then told Biden that the president had had a very cinematic life. Yeah, the movie's Pinocchio. And what's up with Stern? It feels like he became everything he used to hate. But maybe this is all he really wanted. The role of the every man was just an act, a conduit for acceptance by the elites who used to hate him. Then there's Joe saying how, as a senator in the 70s, he was named a most eligible bachelor.

It's like when I met Jill, when I lost my family, I got put in that 10 most eligible bachelor's list. Because you were United States. Senator, you were a catch. And so, and a lot of lovely women, but women were. send very salacious pictures, and I just give them to the Secret Service. Senators don't get a Secret Service detail. Joe Biden didn't get one until 2008, and he showed them his gratitude by swimming nude in front of them in the pool.

You can read that headline there. I'm too lazy. So you've got to wonder who Joe was actually giving these pictures to? Are there a bunch of retired Senate ushers with photos of Liz Warren? wearing only a feather. But I got to say, man, Howard Stern is the only guy that makes Seth Myers look cutting edge.

I mean, he really did reinvent himself. He went from being a funny asshole to just a boring asshole. So Joe's next stop, the White House correspondent's dinner. The drink of the night was vinegar and water because that's what you serve at a douchebag convention.

Now, the event is held in a huge ballroom in D.C., which is ironic since there's never been anyone spotted there with a pair of balls. Thousands of media politicians and needy celebs gather to tell each other how great they are. It's like working for Kim Jong-un, a bunch of weak-skared people pretending to like a tyrant so they don't get eaten by his dog. The event was hosted by Colin Jost, whose claim to fame is banging Scarlet Jones. Johnson. But if that's your claim to fame, you should claim that fame. I get it. But from the podium, he did what was expected. He made a few jokes with those directed at Joe or the non-Fox media, having all the sting of a knock-knock joke. It's hard to say which had less real teeth. Stern's interview, Colin's jokes, or Biden himself. But the weakest part was

how Joe's had made his comedy turn into a preachy devotional to Biden. His jokes weren't meant to be funny at all just to express amazement over how it could be possible that America would prefer Trump to Joe. As for the press, he received a standing ovation for managing to stand. Although his speech was the usual combo as shouting weird grins and shots at Trump, why repeat him you heard him before. But the story is what you didn't hear on Stern or in D.C. And that's what's happening in and to America. No wonder they'd rather joke about Trump, who isn't president. It's hard to make jokes about violent crime, war, crippling inflation, mental illness, squatting, homelessness, illegal immigration, fentanyl overdoses, trans-militancy,

and of course, American hostages. But whether you're Howard Stern or Joe Biden, it's just better to seclude yourself from the rabble, surrounded in wealth, comfort, and power, and hope the rest of America won't notice. But we do. In a way, Stern and Biden are a lot of like. Masquerading as men of the people, they actually find people gross. But if it's any consolation, the feeling's mutual.

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Itineraries vary by sale date. Ships Registry Bahamas. Let's welcome tonight's guests. She's been called Cougar more often than John Mellencamp. Fox News anchor Julie Badara. He was the Anne in Mumford and Sons. Musician Winston Marshall.

His agent is the one with a sense of humor. Writer and comedian Joe DeVito. And she moonlights as a skeleton in a medical school. New York Times bestselling author and Fox News contributor, Cat Tim. Another miserable poll for the press who's barely whole. Biden's campaign sounds the alarm while Christy Gnome's pooch buys the farm. A new CNN poll shows Trump pulling away from Biden, 49 to 43 percent and a head-to-head matchup. And it's even...

Oh, control yourselves. And it's even better for Trump with third-party candidates in the mix. His lead over Biden grows to nine points, 42 to 33 percent, with RFK, quarter. Cornel West and Jill Stein included. Some are criticizing the poll because it's registered voters, not likely voters, and there was no way to write in Greg Gutfeld for best quads. I know. I know. I agree.

Meanwhile, according to Gallup, Biden's latest approval rating is now an abysmal 38.7 percent, which coincidentally is also his body temperature. But that makes him the most unpopular president at this point in his first term in the past 70 years. It's interesting how that happens, given old Joe broke Obama's record for most votes ever cast for an American presidential candidate. So the president with the most votes ever can't even find enough of them to help him move a couch. Meanwhile, what the hell was South Dakota Governor Christine Nome thinking? She just took her VP chances out to a gravel pit and shot it. After admitting that's what she did to a quote. untrainable farm dog. What a charming anecdote to include in a book. Who was her editor? Michael

Vic? Seriously. Killing a puppy for misbehavior is like nuking France for not shaving their armpits. It's a little harsh. So anyway, polls show Biden's in real trouble, which tells you everything you need to know about Trump's trials. As Trump becomes America's choice, for president, the only option for the Dems is election interference through lawfare. Their only strategy is to remove them from the playing field rather than give the voters a chance. Instead of letting the election unfold, they're trying to take him out back like an untrainable dog. Except in this case, it's not out back. They're doing it right in front of you. Period.

Period. you have dogs is it customary for in the rural parts of England to decide you're going to just shoot a dog because he's poorly trained I think you've got this all wrong I think this is fantastic I really and I'll tell you why it's very important actually yeah we need psychopaths in the white house look what happens when you don't have a psychopath in the white house the whole world burns we need someone do you think you'd have Gaza Plaza up in Columbia University or Putin messing about in Ukraine. If we have nutters in the White House, stuff like that doesn't happen.

So she's got my vote. I mean, I love it. That is actually the argument, Joe, that she was making, that I make the tough decisions. And this was a tough decision. Although I don't know how tough it is to just shoot a puppy when you could have probably taken it to the, taking it to a shelter. I don't know. And I like Chrissy Gnome. I just find this a bit odd. Yeah, it's a little strange because you think of whenever someone has a transgression, they could always fall back on, hey, it's not like they're out there killing pupper.

Oh, wait. They did this time. So, yeah, I don't know who, you know, who, who, who was, who told her. She even said a better politician wouldn't have put that in the book. I got news for you. Even a really crappy politician would have put that in the book. I don't know, even who put that, cats, are cats just saying, like, yeah, tell her to put him the dog shooting story. We'll be in charge now. So, yeah, I'm just curious as to what people think is going on with presidential dogs, because it's escalating, because Romney put his on a roof. Obama ate a couple of his.

Yeah. She's taking him out back and shooting him. And I'll tell you this about Biden's dogs, as crazy as they were. Those dogs would have shot back. Yeah, that's true. You know, but, you know, just one correction. I think Obama only ate one dog, and it was part of a meal in Indonesia, if I remember my facts correctly. And sometimes I don't like to remember them.

But in this case, I must because we're going to talk about this for the rest of the year, Kat. Okay, what is this? Okay, you wrote a book, you have an editor, you have an agent. There are people that discuss what goes in and what doesn't go in a book. An editor is going to tell you, don't put this in the book. She wanted to put it in because it was probably already going to come out. Then you lie. Who's going to tell, aren't you a politician? Who's going to tell the dog, right?

Dog can't talk, especially not now. When this first came out, I was like, how did this come out? Oh, she put it out. I just don't understand. I don't understand why you would share this. And keep in mind, I'm saying that as someone who people say that about me all the time. Right. You overshare.

Why would she share that? It's something people say about me. But this, this, you could not waterboard that information out of me. Yeah, exactly. There's nothing you could do to make me say, yes, I killed a puppy. Yeah. And there's the editing process. Like you said, there's so many chances you have to be like, you know what?

Maybe I want to take that part about me shooting a puppy out of the book. I do think that she had to weigh like, okay, I could be VP and this story's out there because I talked about it. And so I've got to do, I've got to like. get it out there. But it was poorly portrayed. I mean, you know, you don't kill a puppy because you don't like it, right? You kill it. Like I get it if it attacked an animal or attacked a person, but it's like this is a poorly articulated defense. When you kill, you never speak of it again. Right. That's what my uncle used to tell me. We have an entire

backyard filled with shallow graves. We call it Drifter Heaven. Julie, do you want to talk about the polls? You want to talk about the dog? I got to talk about the dog. Yeah. No, it's funny. It's like it's one of those things nobody wants to talk about, but when you talk about it, you can't stop talking about it. No, you really can't. No. No, I think that her damage control attempt was really smart, though, like she came out and she was like, well, you know, we kill horses, too. She's like, we killed two horses, like a couple of weeks ago. But I don't think they went out there with a shotgun and shot them. They probably had them euthanized like most people do when your pet is dying or if you just have an animal you want to get rid of or an ex.

I'm just saying, I think it's very strange that she would use that as a justification for like, look, I kill animals, but, you know, I don't know. More murder. What we need. Yeah, so I can make the tough decisions. I think the tougher decision is to maybe try it and train the puppy or give it to a, you know, give it to, but just taking it out to a gravel pit seems like a snap decision. The easy decision is don't talk about it.

Yes. We're out of time. Thank you, Julie Banderas, Winston-Marcho, Joe DiVito, Katz, March, Tudor here on it, Trump, season, and have a 30-10, I'm for a couple of you were back out. News Podcasts plus subscription on Apple Podcasts, and Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon Music app. Hey, I'm Trey Gowdy host of the Trey Gatti podcast. I hope you will join me every Tuesday and Thursday as we navigate life together and

hopefully find ourselves a little bit better on the other side. Listen and follow now at Fox Newspodcast.com.