Gutfeld! Monologues - The Art Of The Deal!

Episode Date: April 5, 2025

As seen on Gutfeld!, Greg comments on a wild week in Washington over the tariffs issue. Plus, he has a few jokes up his sleeves on Senator Cory Booker's 25 hour speech. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. So much clapping. It's like we're in my bedroom. So much clapping. It's like we're in my bedroom. It's Friday. So you know what that means. Let's welcome tonight's guests. He's got a VIP booth at the Cracker Barrel. Fox News contributor, Tom Slew. It's April, and he still doesn't have a date for the prom. Host of the Guy Benson's show, Guy Benson.

They put him on Fox News every morning, so that way your day can only get better. Co-host and Fox and Friends Friends First Talk about. And she can knock you out. without throwing a punch. UFC reporter in sports personality, Charlie Arnold. All right. Before we get to some news stories, let's do this. Bread, leftovers.

It's leftovers where I read the jokes we didn't use this week, and as always, it's my first time reading them. So if they suck, we'll force Joe Mackey to give Rosie O'Donnell a bikini wax. Oh, come on. We'll have to travel for it now. Oh, nice. A 97-year-old endangered tortoise has become the oldest first-time mom of her species. Yeah.

Congrats to the new dad. Donald Trump revealed a $5 million gold card with his face on it. Nancy Pelosi wants one of her own since her face is already made of plastic. CNN contributor Ellie Mistall or Eli Mistall or whatever said he opposes sending gang members to foreign countries and he's doing his part by hiding four of them in his hair. A nationwide anti-Trump protest is scheduled for this Saturday. They're calling it the hands-off march.

Well, we know one Democrat who will skip it. Pete Heggseth has set equal standards for men and women in the armed services. The women will have to do 50 push-ups in one minute, and men will have to guess why the women are mad at them. On Thursday, Whoopi Goldberg signed off the view with a rallying cry to resist Trump. and her first act of resistance, only ordering one dessert. Goldberg also claims she worries that Trump will deport her, but she can rest for now since all large cranes are made overseas. A married army lieutenant and DEI specialist has been posting gay porn videos of himself.

The worst part? The links expired. Easter eggs are so expensive. Americans are dying potatoes instead. Speaking of dying potatoes. Yeah. According to a new study, monkeys are better yodalers than humans. This is from the Journal of Who Gives a Shit. Thanks to a surge of cops in the system, New York City subway crime is dipped below pre-pandemic levels.

Now to get attacked by crazed low-lifes, you have to buy a Tesla. Researchers say weight loss drugs like Ozempic have an unac unexpected side effect, hair loss. It's great for women who want to lose weight and get rid of their mustache. An old clip surfaced of Jasmine Crockett disparaging Byron Donald's for marrying a white woman. But she did give props to Ilhan Omar

for marrying a brother. Corey Booker spoke for 25 hours on the Senate floor, pausing briefly for the cleaning crew to polish his head. A Florida Wendy's is demanding employees give their phones to the manager before using the bathroom. The workers also can't refer to anything they leave in there as a whopper. April, April is National Distracted Driving Awareness Month. How fitting, since April is a girl's name. And Alaska Airlines flight was forced to land after a strong odor was detected in the cockpit.

Well, guess who got his pilot's license? On Monday, former actress Lena Dunham spoke at the Trans Day of Visibility Rally. When asked why she attended, she said she went with her gut. She claimed she took a break from acting because she wanted bigger roles. And finally, Elon Musk has agreed to do this show, Gutfeld. In return, I've agreed to have his baby. Let's do a monologue. On Thursday, Trump unveiled his $5 million gold card, and he put his signature touch on it, his face.

Do you know what that card is? Gold card. It's the gold card. The Trump card, gold card. Who's the first buyer? Me. I don't know, but I'm the first buyer. It'll be out at about less than two weeks, probably.

Pretty exciting, right? Are you ready for some questions? Anybody want to buy one? Sign me up. But it's amazing. He's literally selling something for $5 million that didn't exist before. And yet he's already made billions off it. Hey, Commerce Secretary, how many did you sell yesterday?

A thousand? Yesterday, I sold a thousand. Oh, you did? If you have a green card, which used to be a green card, now gold card, you're a permanent, resident of America. They're going to have the right to be in America. They'll be $5 million, and they have the right to be in America. As long as they're good people.

And they're vetted. And they're vetted. And they can't break the law. We can always take it away if they're like evil or mean or bad or something. Not mean, but, you know, if they do something horrible, you can take it away. Amazing. Trump created something that costs nothing, that didn't exist before, that can then be sold, but also taken away.

It's a win-win. Like when my racehorse wins and then I eat it. We'll be back with more Gutfeld. Did you know that at Chevron you can fuel up on unbeatable mileage and savings? With Chevron rewards, you'll get 25 cents off per gallon on your next five visits. All you have to do is download the Chevron app and join to start saving on fuel. Then you can keep fueling up on other things like adventure, memories, vacation. daycations, quality time, and so many other possibilities.

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Real apples make real good apple sauce. Learn more about Mots, no sugar-added applesauce at Mots.com. But this is like a lot of Trump policies. It starts with a big idea that creates an asset out of thin air, like acquiring Greenland or Canada becoming the 51st state, now the tariffs. It's the first volley in a negotiation that brings attention to our concerns. And people way smarter than me. There's almost four of them.

They get it. Listen to this prediction on tariffs from former Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez. I would assume that this will not be in place in a month, two months, definitely not in the back half of the year. So I'm in the camp that this is the beginning of a big negotiation. It's not only about bringing production back, but it's also about market access. See, Carlos is predicting that countries will rush to be part of this, just like the country. cast of the view when they hear that sound of an ice cream truck. Already Israel and Vietnam are canceling or reducing tariffs on U.S. products.

Switzerland has eliminated industrial tariffs, and it's not just countries either. Car companies are racing to reshore production. GM's expanding its Indiana plant. Trump is making American car companies American again, and he hasn't spent a dime in subsidies to do it. He's negotiating using an asset that wasn't there before. He'll threaten. a move like making Canada's state pretending he's serious. You know, single men do this all the time when they talk about marriage with their longtime girlfriends. So does he really want Canada as a 51st state? Who knows? That's the point. But what we do know, Canada is suddenly cracking down on fentanyl smuggling, and they're willing to take back Seth Rogan. So you keep

them off balance so you can make the deals on your terms. It makes me wonder. Will the markets boom? The markets are going to boom, the stock is going to boom, the country is going to boom, and the rest of the world wants to see, is there any way they can make a deal? I think it's going to be unbelievable. So you see what Trump's doing, create the big idea, watch what happens, reap the rewards. Trump eyes Greenland, suddenly Denmark takes defense seriously. Trump suggests leaving NATO, they start taking their own defense seriously.

Trump threatens to retake the Panama Canal. Suddenly, they're looking to sell operations to an American. American company. I'm sorry, Panamac anal. But you see, actions get reactions. Compare that to Cory Booker's 25-hour freak out on the Senate floor, flailing his arms like a car dealership tube man with an air leak. It's the difference between action and acting. When you take action like tariffs, people take you seriously. They begin negotiating amongst themselves. before they even negotiate with you. You create an asset that they have to come to terms with

based on a concern that you have. That's action. Booker is the opposite. Instead of drawing attention to a concern, it's about him. And any time you place emphasis on the self, you're less likely to act at all. Worse, you drive yourself crazy.

Research shows the more you self-obsess, the more you suffer from mental illness. Maybe that's why their party is a crap show and why all the Dems seem to have crazy eyes. Identity politics and elevation of the self to a point that it imposes demands on strangers has created a mob of really messed up people. Meanwhile, Trump creates uncertainty through action that has allies and enemies both moving in America's direction, even before the sit downs begin. Uncertainty is a negotiation tool even before the negotiation starts. Of course, that uncertainty now is the story for the media, as they feign panic and outrage.

But don't listen to them. Hell, they never listen to us. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon music app. Hey, I'm Trey Gatti host of the Tragaddy podcast. I hope you will join me every Tuesday and Thursday as we navigate life together and hopefully find ourselves a little bit better on the other side. Listen and follow now at foxnewspodcast.com.