Gutfeld! Monologues - The No Kings Machine

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

As seen on Gutfeld!, "No Kings" protests took place across the country, and there's some interesting groups that are funding these protests. Meanwhile, the typical cast of characters, including celebrities and protesters continue to embarrass themselves. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'll do the show. Good evening, everyone. So golf legend, Tiger Woods was arrested on DUI charges after he flipped his car. Police say the crash could have been worse, but Tiger is only half Asian. Despite his repeated crashes, Wood says he won't hire a driver because he doesn't want anyone to know his whereabouts, meaning his girlfriend and his other three girlfriends. All in one. Court documents revealed that YouTube employees admitted their goal was to get viewers addicted.

Well, they'll never be able to accuse Fox of that. Not with this guy on the payroll. He's our Narcan. Trump spilled details about a massive doomsday bunker being built under the new White House ballroom. It's not for a nuclear war, he says. It's for Don Jr. to shelter in place. in case Kimberly returns. Oh, wow.

Hey, she's in Greece. To aid the war effort in the Gulf, the U.S. is considering deploying SEAL Team 6. And if that doesn't work, they might even send in Whale Team 4. For Easter, Costco is offering a 10-pound chocolate bunny for $140. It's apparently so expensive because it takes three workers to whole. hold the bunny down while it's smothered in chocolate. That's my favorite joke.

The Bidens have adopted to rescue black labs while their son Hunter has rescued a meth lab. Totally redeemed yourself. And finally, women's history month is approaching its end. Women claimed it was a great month, except for four horrible days. What? Anyway. On flow? We'll be back with more Gutfeld.

So, the No King's protests popped up across the country this Saturday. It's the only place where a man in a dress can scream, my body, my choice, next to a Hamas supporter who would gladly trade him for three cows. There were hippies, Marxists, Hamas lovers, Antifa thugs, shrieking geriatrics, and assorted perves playing drugs. dress up. So what got all of them there? Well, money. At heart, these anti-capitalists still get out of bed for a buck. According to a Fox Digital report, this grassroots movement is actually backed by 500 groups with a combined $3 billion in revenue. George Soros' pet project, the political

advocacy group Indivisible, took the lead. But also behind the protest was a network of radical socialist and communist organizations funded by an American commie tech tycoon living in China, which means those grassroots are as organic as that thing on Maxine Waters' head. Not very. But still, after all the dancing hippos and aging singers have gone home, Trump is still president, and Biden and Harris are still not. And even those protesters know Trump didn't inherit the throne. He became only the second president to serve non-consecutive terms after Grover Cleveland.

Even Cleveland. But it's not about being right, it's about being seen. And what did you see? Three groups, celebs, politicians, and the crazies they egg on. From the first group, a has-been actor has to look down 10 times at recipe cards to give what was supposed to be a 30-second heartfelt speech. I mean, how can this be happening? How can this be happening?

Look at the power of the No King's National Uprising, Look at the power of the No King's national uprising. Afraid of Trump? Please. No, they should be more afraid of us. Hmm. Man. This guy is so dumb.

He got brain damage from playing a boxer. Then there's John Lifkow who couldn't make it outside, but that didn't stop him from humiliating himself. I figured I would recite a poem that I wrote about six. years ago in a book I released back then called Trump-Dumpty-Dumpty wanted a crown. Trump-D-D-Dumpy wanted a crown to make certain he never would have to step down. He wanted a robe made of ermine and velvet. The Constitution, he wanted to shelve it.

He used this moment to plug a book that's six years old. And John, I'm probably going to be the first person to tell you. you this, it sucked. You're not cat in a hat. You're more like douchebag in a helmet. Of course. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that was hard stuff. About a rage in it. Oh, man. I hate John Lithgow. Of course, you had Tim Walts pledging his undying love to his core constituents, Somali scam artists. I will add a special, a special thank you, and a special acknowledgement that we will never leave the side of our Somali Minnesotans. Here's our pledge to you. Our Somali, Minnesotans, your great-grandchildren will still be here when that orange clown is in the

dustbin of history. You will be here. Well, you will be here. That's great news. I guess your great-grandchildren. will still be layering the alphabet? I know what you really want, the required montage of future MS now anchors. Calfs on American soil. No cats? No death, cats. So they can shove it up then,

little tussies and smoke it. It's a takeover. It's a take-over. A hostage take-over. I'm a attack. Put your white supremacy back. What is that? I mean, I'm not even sure Sherrod would hit that. To be honest, I wouldn't even hit that with Sharad's d.

Of course, there was violence. In L.A. protesters were old rocks and cops and tried to breach the gate of a jail. One sprayed a federal building with a message that advocated killing ICE officers. In Portland, they broke through ice facility gates and burned American flags. And everywhere, the communist hammer and sickle was proudly waived, which is no surprise. the Communist Party of America was a co-sponsor of the event, along, of course, with billionaires overseas. So, yes, this entire movement is backed and cheered on by celebs, media figures, billion-dollar organizations, politicians, and our global adversaries. But somehow this protest is the little guy fighting the king? Right. Here's the truth. Life in this country is so good that its resident goofballs could don costumes and scream about it being the worst country ever.

Sorry, there are no kings here, but there are elite who support democracy only when they win. And when they lose, they throw a tantrum and dress it up as revolution and hope nobody notices the billion dollar machine behind it. And when that doesn't work, they throw rocks from the ample supply located within their own heads. Let's welcome. Here we get. Listen ad free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. Amazon Prime members can listen to this show and free on the Amazon Music app. Join Fox in supporting our troops.

From daily needs to global emergencies, help us be there for those who serve. Visit go.combe slash Red Cross to donate to service to the armed forces today.