Gutfeld! Monologues - Vice President Harris' Two-for-One Margarita Special

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

As seen on Gutfeld!, Greg makes his triumphant return after his time off for the birth of his daughter to deliver a monologue on some of the most hysterical gaffes from President Biden and Vice President Harris in the past week. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tucker Carlson said Ray Dalio is one of the world's smartest investors, but more important, he's likely the wisest. Make yourself read this book. That book is how countries go broke, the big cycle. In it, Dalio explains the mechanics behind big debt cycles, and what they mean for countries with big and increasing debts like the U.S. and what you should do to protect yourself. You can find it wherever books are sold,

or read a five-minute summary of the book at economic principles.org. Okay. Thank you. Oh, stop. Okay. But you couldn't do my last name? All right, happy Monday, everyone. So Saturday, President Biden handed out several medals of freedom.

Although it must have been weird for Hillary Clinton. Usually, she's the one putting something around people's necks. That was a good joke. Somehow I deserve more. All right. And then when President Biden bestowed the medal on NBA legend, Magic Johnson, Joe apparently whispered, I know how you feel.

I have hearing aids. Nothing like returning with an AIDS joke. George Soros also got a medal, huh? I guess Satan was busy. Meanwhile, while swearing in newly elected senators last week, Kamala Harris flubbed the Pledge of Allegiance. In her defense, those were two-for-one margaritas. As you know, today is January 6th, otherwise known as the day Mike Pence lost his balls.

But it bears reminding, if someone offers a tour of the Capitol building, don't follow the guy wearing a indefinitely not a fed t-shirt. Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, has resigned from office. You know, it's sad. It's sad. apparently Canada just wasn't ready for a leader of color. That was him dressed as Aladdin. Either that or he was applying for an H-1B-1 visa.

A New York food cart vendor was caught on camera grabbing a pigeon. Witnesses said they have no idea what happened with that disease-ridden creature, but they hope the bird's okay. Congress certified Donald Trump's presidential win today. We heard Jerry Nadler was so upset he crapped himself. But then we were told, no, it's just Monday. And Joe Biden recently said, quote, I know more world leaders than any one of you have ever met in your whole goddamn life.

He then boasted, I can pick up my phone and call Emmanuel Macron right now. adding, I love that black kid. I think he's still alive. All right. So happy Jan 6th, or as I like to call it, Jan 10th. Let's see how the media is covering it. Since the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol, when supporters of Donald Trump stormed this building,

trying to prevent the election victory of Joe Biden from being certified. On the anniversary. Oh, my God. Oh, God, Sam. Apparently, even Mother Nature is MAGA. All right, so I'm back and true. I had a baby.

I was out for a month, and I have the chewed up nipples to prove it. Eat your heart out, Mayor Pete. Guess that makes me qualified to run the Department of Transportation. Sure does. Speaking of trans. Any man who thinks putting on a dress and a wig makes you a woman, no way. I was there when that baby popped out and no dude can do that. You might as well put on a diaper and claim you're a baby or a president.

We'll be back with more Gutfeld. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, Prime helps you get more out of your passions. So whether you're a fan of true crime or prefer a nail-biting novel from time to time, With services like Prime Video, Amazon music, and fast-free delivery, Prime makes it easy to get more out of whatever you're into, or getting into. Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to learn more. The conjuring last rites.

On September 5th. I come down here with you in your house. Array! Array! Array! The Conjuring, Last Rites, only in theater, September 5th, Bridget R. But there are a few things worse than someone in the media having a child. And not just because you have to imagine them having sex,

but they act like they're the first person to do it, like they just invented having children. It's funny. A lot of new parents just years ago were telling you that having kids was selfish. How dare you bring another mouth to feed among the starving billions. Then they have kids, and suddenly their precious brat is the exception. They went from hating kids to having one that they can't wait to transition. It amazes me more that some moms can be so pro-abortion. It's like being a biological Benedict Arnold, because these moms know that having kids is the

best thing they're ever going to do. Aside from ironing, a sexist would say. But rather than endure sneers by their fellow diaper deniers for indulging the patriarchy, they cheer women to abort the one thing that gives the meaning in life, besides watching this show, of course. So what's the male equivalent? Well, imagine a guy winning a bronze star and saying, it's not worth it. Sorry, that's the only thing he's going to remember on his deathbed. Well, that and the orgy with the cast of the facts of life. Charlotte Ray really knew how to party. And yeah, I'm comparing motherhood to war, because it is. Women put in a nine-month tour of duty, and at the end, are so full of hormones and exhaustion, it makes PTSD look like athletes' foot. And for that reason,

And we should treat moms like conquering heroes. But the message from most libs don't have kids. But if we do, it's because our kids will be better than yours. Because in the media, we act like everything we do is of bigger importance. But do you think my uncle Frank, a plumber, got to take a month off every time his wife pushed one out? Please, this guy had a plunger back in his hand three minutes after they cut the umbilical cord. Come to think of it, I think he brought the plunger to the birth. Just in case.

So I won't brag. Seven billion people have gone through this. But if you're shocked by me having a brat at 60, imagine how I feel. When my wife told me she was pregnant, mine was the first diaper she had to change. It's not easy, but it's not earth-shattering either. The lesson I've learned is how,

much I got to unlearn, meaning throughout my life, I've mastered the art of being selfish, and it's helped my career. But a great career isn't hard when you're only about you, although there are exceptions. But if you work single-mindedly for 10 years, you can master any profession, except maybe porn, because in five years you've already aged out, ask Trace Gallagher. He may be a silver fox, but you're done once the carpet matches the drapes. So becoming a parent in my age is forcing me to learn things. Many of you learned in your 20s, 30s and 40s that you have to think about someone else. And for me, that's tough. My entire home has changed. Now there's someone else sleeping in the bassinet. But a wise person told

me this. Once you have a kid, you can't regret anything you did before that. because the change the past would erase the possibility of that child. And maybe why Alec Baldwin keeps having kids. It's awesome. Suddenly, I have no regrets after 60 years of bad behavior. So my message to you, men and women, if you feel regret over your past, have a kid. Yeah, yeah. It's easy.

Almost anyone can do it. And really, kids practically take care of themselves. Right now, mine's sitting in the car, double parked outside. Don't worry, I'd roll down the windows. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show, ad-free on the Amazon Music app. Hey, I'm Trey Gowdy host of the Trey Gowdy podcast. I hope you will join me every two.

and Thursday as we navigate life together and hopefully find ourselves a little bit better on the other side. Listen and follow now at Fox Newspodcast.com.