Gutfeld! Monologues - We Don’t Deserve Trump

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

As seen on Guteld!, the buzz is all about Joe Biden’s decision to pick his home state as the location for his presidential library! But that’s not all—the White House gears up to deport a Maryland dad all the way to… Eswatini? Curious about where that is? Tune in as Greg spills the details! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Thank you. All right. Thank you. I'm really glad everybody got the memo on Speedo Monday. Wow. Even the chicks. Happy Monday, everyone. So Joe Biden chose his home state of Delaware to open his presidential library.

It'll be the first presidential library to feature more men's rooms than books. The Biden. administration spent $11 million over three years on a security detail for Hunter Biden, especially on agents named Tiffany, candy, and peaches. Yeah. After fierce criticism, the LAPD quietly withdrew its officers from guarding Kamala Harris. And already, she's missing her favorite officer, Captain Morgan. easy is too easy

MTV's video music awards aired last night security was tighter than Jessica Simpson's face I know I haven't seen skin stretch like that since I made those bongos out of a drifter that's Charlie and Steve

for the second time Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent reportedly threatened to punch another Trump advisor. His temper has become so legendary he's earned the nickname Dana Perino. Yeah. Iceland's Thor Bjornson set a New World Deadlift record by lifting 1,124 pounds, beating the previous record held by Whoopi's Rikshaw driver. All right, huh? You know he's Thor. Yeah, that was...

Over the weekend, President Trump denied that he's planning on going to war with Chicago. Too bad. I hate their music. Yeah, yeah. Shout out to Peter Cedra. Is that his name? Satira. Who cares?

Why are you listening? That was just. To me, on Friday, Rosie O'Donnell suggested there was something fishy about the assassination attempt on Trump. Well, if there's anything, anyone who knows something about being fishy. You don't even know what I'm going to say! If there's anyone who knows something about being fishy, it's a whale with crabs. You didn't see that one coming. and finally

Charlie Sheen said he began having sex with men while on crack that's the problem with smoking crack you just want more crack yeah for him two and a half men was Saturday night oh

shut up we'll be back with more Gutfeld listen to the all new Brett Bear podcast featuring Common Ground In-depth talks with lawmakers from opposite sides of the aisle, along with all your Brett Bear favorites, like his All-Star panel and much more. Available now at Fox News Podcasts.com or wherever you get your podcasts.

Monologue. So the president continues to prove one thing. Donald Trump. We don't deserve him. You're going to love this. The White House plans to deport the Maryland. dad to Eswatini. It's a tiny

nation in Africa that sounds completely made up, like Narnia, Atlantis, or Palestine. Terrible. It's got to be one of the funniest thing Trump's done so far. He's doing exactly what anyone would do, but with comic flair. We may never see a funny or what.

house. And I mean intended humor, not this slapstick crap. But this hilarity always comes with common sense action. Kilmart doesn't get to decide where he's deported. This is an expedia. The Maryland dad's getting what he deserves a one-way trip to somewhere even more dangerous than Baltimore, if that's possible. He was supposed to go to Uganda, but objected because he was scared they'd persecute or torture him. He says he fears persecution in 22 different countries. I have the same problem, except it's for my success with the ladies. Thank you for the applause.

It's a claim the White House calls hard to take seriously. Like when a woman says she's a pilot. A sexist woman says. Look, I know, I agree. Look, if Trump really wanted to torture this guy, you could send him to Afghanistan dressed as a goat. And come on, no one in these countries even knows who this guy is. They're more worried about tuberculosis or AIDS, or if their village is invaded by elephants. How did that picture get there?

So Trump mocks Kilmar's demand, sending him to a place that looks at indoor plumbing the way we look at the Jetsons. a country where the NFL sends t-shirts with the losing Super Bowl team on them. No wonder their cities look like a convention of Bills fans. But don't worry, Kilmar. We researched some fun facts to familiarize you with your new home. In 2018, King Maswati, the third, renamed the country from Swazaland to the kingdom of Eswatini. Why? Because he could. He's king. And Ms. Wadi, one, and two, they didn't have the balls.

This king has supreme authority over legislature and laws. Think of Queen Elizabeth the first, only with a penis and a tan. The king, seen here, to my left, currently has 15 wives. The guy before him had 125. The downside, life expectancy there is only 57. It's one of the lowest in the world, but kind of a blessing when you have 125 wives.

I mean, hell, when that time of the month rolls around, holy shit. Eh, you're booing nature. But Kings can select a new wife at the annual reed dance, an event that celebrates virginity. Here we call that Joe Mackey Day.

Yeah. And it's way more fun than the Joy Reed dance, which which men watch as a form of birth control. So Eswetini's a funny solution, but remember it didn't start out as a joke. The Maryland dad is a white-beating gangbanger known for human smuggling.

In other words, the perfect pin-up for Democrats who get horny for Luigi Mangione but want to wank to something more ethnic. A real piece of human garbage, and it's about time we have a White House who treats him as such. Unlike the Dems who fillate the worst people on Earth, as long as they're against anything, Trump.

And now they're even taking the sides of drug cartels. Last week, Trump obliterated 11 narco terrorists, turning them into a finer powder than the drugs they were shipping. Yeah. I'm surprised Hunter didn't swim to the blast site with a snorkel up his nose. When J.D. Vance applauded the move on X,

a left-winger called it a war. crime. But the VP responded, I don't give a what you call it. Now, lots of applause today. Now, which White House do you prefer? One with a VP who doesn't give a crap or a

president with a diaper full of it. Fact is, cartels shouldn't be allowed to profit off dead Americans and criminals shouldn't be terrorizing our nation cities. The fact that Dems think these things are even up for debate shows how nuts they become. Meanwhile, he plans to crack down in Chicago's crime,

Trump posted this mean. Now, now, you're alive today. Of course, the brain dead media must ask, are you trying to go to war with Chicago? Are you trying to go to war with Chicago? When you say that, darling, that's fake news. Why do you want to the Department of Defense?

Listen, be quiet. Listen, you don't listen. You don't listen. You never listen. And that's why you're second grade. We're not going to war. We're going to clean up our city. We're going to clean them up so they don't kill five people every weekend. That's not war.

That's common sense. And if you disagree, well, you can always join the Maryland dad in Eswitini. And don't let the Statue of Liberty smack your ass on the way out. Let's welcome. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon Music app. I'm Janice Dean. Join me every Sunday as I focus on stories of hope and people who are truly rays of sunshine in their community and across the world. Listen and follow now at Fox Newspodcast.com.