Gutfeld! Monologues - Wholefoods Jail

Episode Date: March 13, 2026

As seen on Gutfeld!, how many Americans can locate Iran on a map?  Also, what is “Wholefoods jail”?  Greg has the answers you won’t want to miss! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's the greatest day of your life. Good evening, everyone. So a recent survey asked how many Americans can find Iran on the map. 28% could, and the other 72% are too late. According to a number of reports, the new Ayatollah is in a coma and has lost a leg. Wow, when he wakes up, he's going to be hopping mad. To bring down rising gas prices, President Trump ordered the release of of 170 million barrels of oil.

Also, to boost gas production, Jerry Nadler will eat the bird's eye vegetable medley. Legendary bird's eye vegetable medley. We all know what that does. This week in New York City, former president Bill Clinton seemed to push his wife Hillary Clinton into traffic. In a related story, Bill died of a surprise heart attack next week.

Happened next week. Now, this is crazy. In Ohio, there have been at least 11 Bigfoot sightings within four days. Eleven. In a related story, guess who is loving her Toledo vacation? A new study out of Canada shows the size of your index finger may predict if you're gay. Here's how it works. If your index finger is connected to Justin Trudeau, you're gay.

As you probably heard, former First Lady Joe Biden has a brand new memoir coming out. We're told it will be available in paperback, hardcover, and just for Joe, single ply. According to a new report, pandas are now officially no longer considered an endangered species. This occurred after one man cut them out of his diet. And finally, the UK announced that it will remove the legendary Prime Minister Winston Churchill from banknotes. and replace him with, of all things, a beaver. Did somebody say beaver? Asked one man.

We'll be back with more Godfeld. This is Ainsley Earhart. Thank you for joining me for the 52 episode podcast series, The Life of Jesus. A listening experience that will provide hope, comfort, and understanding of the greatest story ever told. Listen and follow now at foxnewspodcasts.com or wherever you listen to podcasts. All right, you ever notice how the media loves to make bad stuff good and good stuff bad? Their latest rethink shoplifting. New York Magazine describes young women who casually steal items during their grocery runs.

And when they're caught, they're detained in what employees call Whole Foods Jail, an isolated windowless storage closet or what Todd Piro calls his office. Now, some don't mind Whole Foods Jail. It just depends which hole and which food. Oh my goodness, I should have checked that. One woman, a photographer, got busted stealing sushi while she was running late for therapy. Now talk about a white lady excuse. Something you'd hear from a Karen and not a Shaniqua.

A better fake service dog was double parked. Another chick, a designer, pocketed $30,000 eye cream. when she could have just used preparation H. Right? I put it up my butt every time my eyes are puffy. Old Wivesail. But apparently stealing stuff is just another thing on the to-do list, and you're entitled to do it.

It's like affirmative action for people who wear organic deodorant. And when they were caught, the writer described their punishment as if it were an affront to humanity. Shocked that anyone could ever be arrested for shoplifting. It's not at all like it was when we were kids. When you were caught stealing, old Mr. Winters from the hardware store, he'd give you the choice between the cops

and a finger in an outlet. The worst part, outlet was what he called his butt. Oh, Mr. The writer complains about the victims being held in this windowless room. In other words, it's a back room. But for us, that was usually a jail cell. Not really known for their spectacular views

unless you're sharing it with the local flasher. local flasher. But today, we play by different rules. During a hearing in Minnesota, a state Democrat actually suggested we study the benefits of shoplifting. It actually had not occurred to me to ask. It probably would have been good to make sure that they would

study sort of the benefit of shoplifting and of retail theft because perhaps people are relying on that and sort of using that. Maybe it's, you know, assisting them in some way. And how may it be assisting them, Dave? They get free eye. and then it raises the costs for me. Then the drugstore closes and then you call that racist. It's what happened with over 7,000 pharmacies closing between 2022 and 2024, CVS, Walgreens,

right aid. And I'm pretty sure they weren't locking up deodorant because Kid Rock wouldn't respect the 10 per customer limit. Now later, the Democrat said he was being sarcastic. Yeah, sure. Just like I am when I say I'd have sex with Trace Gallagher. But how can you tell from a Minnesota state Democrat? They support mobs committing arson and incest weddings. It's an enabling phenomenon, one where people think they're immune from consequence and think laws are suggestions, not the basic rules of civilization. Hell, New York's top judge has said that other judges should go easy when sentencing

because the criminals might have changed since they got arrested. And when you point to the billions stolen by Somalian daycare, or the Medicare fraud in LA, you become the bad guy, a racist, obviously. So when you see all that, you must think, well, we're the suckers if we actually pay for something. You wonder people think they can break the law. And when someone enforces the law, suddenly they're shocked and not in a good way with a taser. You see this at protests. Some chick will strike a cop.

And then you can't believe it when she gets tossed to the ground faster than a free copy of a Steve deucey cookbook. They're outraged because her professors swore that obeying rules violates your identity, and it's a surrender to white patriarchy. So now even white rich ladies are doing it. Designers, photographers, food stylists. The useless but educated. And it's okay because, you know, they were in a rush.

But for the media, wide-scale fraud isn't the real problem. It's ruining a photographer's day because she was caught pilfering a jar of tank cream. But we've built a culture where crime is excused and consequences are called depression. And once you start justifying petty crime, you open the door, not to Whole Foods jail, but to chaos. Listen ad free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad free on the Amazon Music app. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick.

I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada.