Gutfeld! Monologues - Witless Protection Program

Episode Date: April 8, 2026

As seen on Gutfeld!, Democrats are trying to distance themselves from the craziness that they pushed in 2020. Meanwhile, Greg shows a montage proving that "wokeism" is still alive and well. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Why wouldn't you feel that way? Good evening, everyone. So the crew of the Artemis 2 is on their way home. But before splashing down, the rocket will do a one full orbit around Joy Behar. You know, when the astronauts were asked, what's the first thing they're going to do when they're back on Earth? They said, take a huge dump. President Trump also personally called the astronauts where he expressed his disappointment, saying he preferred astronauts who land on the moon.

According to a new study, the number of words people speak every day has been falling for years by an average of 338 words per day. And no one's more excited than all men. That's who applauded. A Caribbean Airlines crew helped a passenger give birth mid-flight. Officials say it marked the first time a male flight attendant saw a vagina. It's my favorite joke of the week. According to a study, Gavin Newsom's rail project is now expected to cost $126 billion. Billion.

But they hope to make up the money by raising the price of each ticket to $1 billion. Police say legal loopholes are letting a couple drink, have sex, and defecate on the sidewalk in New York. What's the loophole? They can drink, have sex, and defecate on the sidewalk as long as they continue hosting Morning Joe. The U.S. has experienced 24 earthquakes in the past 24 hours. In a related story, Rosie O'Donnell is visiting from Ireland. This is a crazy story. California's workman's comp even covers ailments like erectile dysfunction. But who hurts their penis at work?

Well, besides me, that time I tried to do the weather with my penis. Finally, CBS announced the late show will be replaced by Byron Allen's Comics Unleashed. Yeah. ABC, however, is claiming copyright infringement on their show, Dogs Unleashed. We'll be back with more Gutfeld. All right. Let's do a monologue. Well, got quiet all of a sudden.

So the Democrats have a new campaign strategy. Pretend they're not Democrats, or at least 2020 Democrats. Call it the Whitless Protection Program, where they pick up and move away from the scene of the crime, hoping you don't recognize them from the last episode of To Catch a Predator. But 2020's hard to forget. Dems spent that year insisting America was rotten to the core, that the border was tighter than Tupperware.

George Floyd was a hero, and COVID would wipe out a church service but couldn't touch a Black Lives Matter riot. No wonder they're hoping you don't remember a thing. They prefer a total blackout the kind Kamala has after she wakes up with her pantsuit on backwards. But the thing is, we do remember, courtesy of a montage we stole from the five. The bill to form a commission to study how to do reparations. Would you sign that bill? When I am elected president, I will sign that bill. Of course, I would sign it.

I would. Raise your hand if your government plan would provide coverage for undocumented immigrants. The world is going to end in 12 years if we don't address climate change. The hierarchy of values in this country that diminishes certain people based on their color of the skin. We are over-policed as a society, that we are investing in police, which is not solving problems, but making them worse. We made it the law. of our land to provide college financial aid to transgender students. Oh, it's good to hear this stuff.

Back in 2020, those weren't fringe ideas. It was their platform. It wasn't a campaign. It was an orgy of bad ideas. And we got stuck with the carpet cleaning bill. Now, fast forward to today, and poof, it's all gone. Vanished like a box of pastries outside Chris Christie's office. Because according to Axios, Dems, our

actively running away from their own positions on border security, DEI, crime, climate, and COVID lockdowns. You got governors saying they'd handle COVID differently. Gavin's saying that Dems have to be more culturally normal, which is like Hillary Clinton telling you not to hang people. You got candidates disowning to fund the police, and now they're even pitching tax cuts. Yes, tax cuts from Democrats.

That's like Vin Diesel pitching dandruff shampoo. Katie Porter, Chris Van Allen, Corey Booker, all floating plans to cut taxes, even though they voted against Trump's tax cuts, of course. So don't believe it. It's like a 14-year-old deleting his browser history when his parents walk into the room. But once mom and pop leave, the brats back on Gutfeld cam, toiletpicks.edu. Looking for that weather picture. Yes.

So really, wokeism isn't dead any more than a zombie can be dead. Oh, you think they're gone? everyone relaxes, and then bam, they pop up again, hungry for brains because they don't have any. That's because the same instincts are still there, the urge to control, punish, and take what's yours. It's like when a 58-year-old gets a facelift. Yeah, you look 35 now, but only because of all the work that you had done. That's really not who you are. And if you don't believe that, take a look.

Yeah. That's the before and after. So the next version won't be called to fund the police. It'll be something softer like community-led safety. And it will be worse because now there will be two chalk outlines, one around the victim and the other around the social worker who showed up with a box of tissues. That's why you can't let people forget. But it's easy to, without context.

It's not 2024. And Joe and Kamala aren't there to remind you why you needed Trump in the first place. So Trump's on his own, warts and all. It's no wonder the right starts fighting each other instead of remembering what they were up against. But woke isn't gone. Hardly. Roll our second montage, Pierre. If you cared about Medicare fraud or Medicaid fraud, you would kill Rick Scott.

Okay. White people that triple Trump should be banned, boycotted from enjoying the best thing that America has to offer, which is multiculturalism. Get your fat asses out of the Mexican restaurant. on because nobody wants to see your smug ass. As a labor and delivery nurse, it gives me great joy to wish Caroline Leavitt a fourth degree tear. I hope that you rip from bow to stern and never normally again, you don't know, an ice agent brings some X-lax and put it in their drinks. You know, nobody's going to die.

Just enough to incapacity them. You know, the Dems really wish their base would shut up because they're the ones that will keep you from forgetting. See, the Democratic Party is like a thug with 44 priors. And to stay out of jail, they got to make their past inadmissible in court. And we can't let that happen. Because the biggest problem isn't what Democrats deny from the past. It's what they'll do to us next as soon as they have the chance. Let's welcome tonight's guest. Listen ad-free with a Fox News podcast plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to the this show and free on the Amazon Music app.