Guys: With Bryan Quinby - Guys: Episode 112 - Umpire/Referees with Dan Duvall

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

We talked about some of the toughest guys In the world, referees! The guys that follow the rules. Dan Duvall came on to talk about the brave version of a Loss Prevention type job. How do you deal with a 12 year old punching you and telling you to fuck off? I think these guys have a bright future on Guys+ There is more Chris at https://www.patreon.com/notevenashow And for more Guys content, streams and SHOCKTOBER: a deep dive into shock jocks you can click patreon.com/guyspodcast, Join us on the Sunday Night Stream every Sunday night at 8:00 EST and I am on https://bsky.app/profile/murderxbryan.bsky.social  Guys is on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/guys.pod Guys has a Post Office Box now! PO Box 10769 Columbus Ohio 43201

Welcome to guys, a podcast about guys. Let's talk about refs, baby. Right, Chris? Right. That's about refs baby right Chris right that's like about graphs baby I thought about that earlier today when I sit why I don't is that like I like listen I know the I know the original I don't know that I know that parody let's talk about refs yeah you don't know cuz I just made it up I'm gonna make a million dollars oh I see you did so then yeah So that was very confused because I was right Chris like it was like I was supposed to know what the fuck you're talking

About but I definitely Didn't so you yeah, that's let's talk about sex, baby, and then you put refs in there Yeah, but a lot of we're talking about umpires to tell you the truth, but that didn't I guess I could have done like let's talk about umps I could have done umpire state of mind, but they don't actually say the Empire state of mind in the song So yeah, you could have like angel hernandez And then it would be like a double cuz it would be like oh shit And then they're like oh, that's pretty good And it's like but do you realize the name of that song is umpire state of mind and then it would be like a double because it would be like, oh shit. And then they're like, oh, that's pretty good. And it's like, but do you realize the name of that song is Empire State of Mind?

And then it would blow people's mind. All right. Let's let's stop being rude and get the guest on the show. We got Dan Duvall on the show. Hi, Dan. Hello. Thank you for having me on your show. You want to sing? Do you have a parody song you've written about? I'm sorry. I mean, it's Dan. I actually met you and I seen and I don't know if you were there

But in Victoria the Empire State of mind a guy from the hecklers comedy club. He was up He was saying that on stage. Oh, really older guy Gary Yeah, Gary is a legend Gary's a legend of this comedy club where Dan lives. He lives in Vancouver Island, close to where I am. And yeah, this legend who also, Brian, he told us, he's like, I fought in the first ever MMA fight in Canada. And it's like, it was true. We're like, we're like, this is fucking bullshit. Yeah, sure. Like in my head, I was like, oh, that's really cool, man. But in my head, I was like, oh, that's really cool, man But in my head, I was like, okay This guy at a bar is like telling me he fought in the first MMA fight fucking looked it up Absolutely on record. Yeah did fight in the first day. It's a crazy type of yeah, like martial art or so

Gary Barker has crazy lore He's like this old man who hangs out in the bar and he like if he if you get him drunk enough He'll rip his shirt off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's one of those old guys that's not funny and but he is funny. He is funny. He is funny. He's very funny. He's very, very funny and very he's like a really nice and he also teaches. He teaches boxing in the underground parking lot to comedians that does attach to the comedy club. Yeah, you go underneath and when you're staying there, when you go perform there, you stay at the hotel and you come down into the underground and there's all these comedians, like open

micers getting taught boxing. That's crazy. This guy, he fought in the first MMA fight ever. He really is But anyways, I saw him at a karaoke bar singing Empire State of Mind That's the very song but yeah, sorry Dan. That's good. What would you like to sing then? We don't even sing and this is the first time we've ever sang on this show So don't like don't like feel like this is a bit. This is not actually a very good bit.

And I've been listening to the show and also I was like, hey, do I need to prep anything? They're like, no, don't prep anything. And then you're like, OK, so which parody song did you write about? Like, well, the show does have its meanness, too. We got a goof on. He's not getting. We're doing umpires and refs today. One of the rare episodes Where you can't say guys it doesn't fit

We can't call them umpire guys ref guys right Guys, I guess I guess I'm not really sure what are you gonna call the episode? few like This I'm trying to think there have been a few where we couldn't so just to be clear I just want to be clear so I'm maybe I'm a little bit confused So what are we look what are we like people who like umpires and revs or people who are umpires? umpires and refs

So we are we are fun the actual people who do it that makes more sense because I guess they don't they don't really have fans They're mostly Yeah That makes more sense because I guess they don't they don't really have fans. They're mostly Yeah Psychos on the NHL will read a little bit but I went to the I went to each of the major leagues and searched referee and I have a thing. I'll actually do it now because it's an NHL thing I wanted to make sure I had that in here because you know Canadian Chris likes NHL, which is silly Okay, just to be I mean Dan's also as we just covered dance also he's also Canadian

You do you like the NHL as well then or you know, I do yeah Yeah, yeah, I'm more of a football guy than a hockey guy But so you're big CFL guy cuz we yeah, we do we don't follow the NFL up in Canada I always like to mention. Oh, he's got a 49. Oh Wearing a football shirt right now I'm a vintage sports t-shirt guys. I'm not even a 49ers fans But no the CFL is only followed by mostly boomers people my dad's age. My dad is like a die-hard Saskatchewan Rough Riders fan. Like he's full of basic.

Oh, the ruffies. The ruffies, yeah. And you can get him going so bad. Like if we're watching a game together and one of the receivers drops a pass, I'll be like, guy's never gonna go pro playing like that. And he just loses his mind. He's like, it's a professional league.

It's a professional league. You're getting paid. Yeah, I, listen, that's so funny because I It's a professional league. They're getting paid. Yeah. Listen, that's so funny because I had season tickets to the CFL with my dad because my dad was, you know, because in its heyday, in their day, it was like really something, you know? Yeah. And so it really, yeah.

But I used to like going with my dad, obviously. I haven't watched a game in a while, but still and in my opinion So it's kind of a better. No, it's not more watchable game than the NFL. My dad's calling me right now. That's crazy Tell them that we're talking about rats. Okay. Yeah, he's like it's a professional league This is our slash NHL from Mo dangles says referees should have to do postgame interviews slash press conferences I think this would accomplish a few things We would get explanation as to why a call was made slash not made and how they came to their decision It would hold refs more accountable and possibly improve their in-game performance knowing that they will need to explain their thought process

We might see a more human side to them and develop a sense of empathy with regard to the difficulty that comes with pro refereeing. Number three is a long shot. Anyways, I think this should apply to all major sports, but it's just a thought, it will never happen. Yeah, the empathy part of it is like, oh, we wanna like see the human side of it, but I don't think that's really it in them.

At least as a sports viewer, for me, I definitely find myself sometimes I'm watching the game. I'm like, this fucker should have to fucking give an interview after the game. Explain his ass, you know, because I'm so fucking mad. I have all this misplaced anger from all the other parts of my life that I'm sort of channeling towards this poor guy. And so I definitely understand that. And it would be nice sometimes because you're like, what the fuck?

But the truth is, you don't need to put these guys out there even more. There there are like, I understand the fans wanting to see this, but it just opens them up for more hatred and them to get like, you know, attacked more. It is crazy that these guys are consistently the most hated people in the room. And it's an arena with with tens of thousands of people in it. And these guys are, you know, skating around fucking. They get one call wrong and it's like, I want him dead.

Oh, right. They don't even have to get a call wrong They just have to make a call against the team that the fans are watching it doesn't it could be a completely correct call Yeah, well this guy says the refs are held accountable by the NHL Their calls are scrutinized and evaluated no value and fans participating in that process fans are largely stupid and biased so I That's the guys that guy is absolutely Correct on all four hundred percent nobody it's like you said there's no fans of refs like nobody Get here's the announcement of who's roughing the game before it and then it's like oh nice Steve. He's the best Unless they really favor their team like you know what I mean there might be a situation where it's like oh shit

Yeah, this guy is like always gives us real You know he always gives us the benefit because there are a few guys like that But yeah, it's not from a fandom standpoint it only comes from like How much you love your team and you want them to win? Jpet says this idea has been brought up a few times. And while I think it's good in theory, it wouldn't really be beneficial for anyone. While fans think that they wanna hear a ref acknowledge a mistake, it's a dangerous line to walk.

Imagine your team loses a game seven playoff due to a controversial call. Do you really wanna hear the ref talk about a decision that's too late to reverse? The fans will get angrier and the refs will get more hate. It's a lose-lose for everyone. That's probably correct. Yeah. That's like what I was saying. It just opens them up for so much more. Is it going to make you feel better to have the guy be like, oh man, listen, I guess some people

maybe if it's like, I got that one wrong. I got that one wrong Yeah, he admit it, you know So one of the things for Street Fight that I when I was doing that show in the very very early days like I would You know, it was the Obama administration or whatever and I would be like he fucking did this and Nobody will ask him about it and he'll never be questioned in front of people and he'll never be forced to answer a question. And that to me was the most frustrating thing.

It was just like, okay, you did this now explain why you fucking did this, but that doesn't happen. And I think that's, that's the impulse that they're going with, with the refs. It's like, you fucking did this. Now you need to defend what you did. But in the end, it's like, there's a human element to doing this thing that, you know, I saw a lot of people asking for AI refs.

Which, it's very funny. Good, good. Baseball umpires are going that way, I think, right? Yeah, there is like a, it's like an automated strike zone or whatever they do have that and they yeah, they listen I Brian loves AI. Oh

I hate it so much awesome intelligence. I hate it so much and Brian the thing you were talking about though. You were like you're talking about the president of the United States of America Brian, the thing you were talking about though, you were like, you're talking about the president of the United States of America. Nobody answers any questions. You get what I'm saying? I understand what you're saying. And I'm saying that makes more sense to me as a human citizen of the world to be like, hey, the president of the United States of America should have to explain himself versus

a referee in a game that you're watching. It seems like you're more reasonable in what you were looking for. I'm saying it is that frustration of knowing you'll never, you will like never hear him say why he did this thing that you find objectionable. And like you will never hear a referee say, guy I fucked it up that time.

I don't know what was going on. You know, I just watched a boxing thing. It was like a little boxing documentary on YouTube and it was like the most controversial matches ever. And it was just laughing at you, like just scrolling YouTube. That's what I do, though clickbait like a clock in the morning No, it was so I go to look at I watch this thing is the most controversial like boxing matches And I got something like probably the thumbnails probably like some big gigantic like eight foot guy with like a thing and then some tiny little kid with boxing It's actually a good YouTube channel, I wish I could I think it's like SNB or something like that

I actually really like the YouTube channel He just only talks about boxing but there was this fight where this guy kept hitting this other guy in the nuts I mean, oh, yeah Is that Galata? Is that, I mean, that's like a, it was a more, uh, uh, it wasn't amateur, but it was pro and it was in Mexico or something like that. And anyway, this guy keeps getting hit in the nuts. This referee is just like warning the other guy. Like he's like, you, you've got to cut this out and you've got to get your nuts out of the way dude

Keep sitting them here. Just letting them hit your dad at the end so much through this fight the Announcers are like this is the worst reffing I've ever seen in my life like and they would never they don't usually do that shit You know all right gentlemen all right gentlemen touch gloves protect your nuts at all This is a nut boxing. We're actually having a nut boxing match where you punch nuts I mean that's that listen listen, that's a listen as far as I'm concerned. That's not too far off in this documentary We call it the ocracy At the end of the fight

The guy that does the interviewing Is like what the fuck is wrong with you dude to the referee like in different words like what what the fuck is good? What like I think he said there was 28 nut shots that the guy Yeah, yeah that seems like it's like also like I guess it can be dangerous I guess to be hitting the nuts a bunch of times. They had a counter up on the thing and they showed each one right? The guys like, didn't look like that from where I was standing. From where I was standing which was right there which was like immediately beside like

right beside the fight. Like you could hear the nuts getting punched. So they put it on the screen. So they put it on the screen in the arena and they're like, do you see that? And he was like, yeah, I don't see anything. Guy was getting punched directly in the fucking nuts. It was crazy. How did that, like, I wonder how that, did it make you feel good?

It was like cathartic a bit to see him being called out for that and being forced to actually watch it. No, because he didn't accept it. No, because he felt like he did a good job. He's like, I think I did a great job. It's like, fuck. I got a knuckle perfectly preserved. Yeah, that is, I guess, more frustrating

if he's being shown irrefutable proof that there was nuts being punched, but he's like, like irrefutable proof that those nuts being punched but he's like no no no I think I got it right bunch of gaslighters referees all yeah well now we're gonna get to what I found to be the main characteristic of the referee and that is a man that thinks he is very badass and tough and yeah yeah which is a man that thinks he is very badass and tough and cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is crazy because nobody thinks referees are cool. But let's get to this first one on our slash umpire. Toss my first parent over the weekend. Oh hell yeah. Oh yeah. Hell yeah. The boys are high. High five.

High fives all around. This is very listen I'm sure there's plenty of parents who deserve to be tossed I'm sure let's hear let's hear the story because let's see maybe he's completely justified and we'd be giving him high fives Let me let me tell you real quick I used to coach kids hockey and we were in a tournament one time our team and the reps were terrible and both sides of the parents were like, these, the refs first of all were children. They were teens. Yes, they're often young children.

Yeah, and the parents were like, we'll fucking kill you. Like it was crazy. And then the refs, the refs kicked all of the parents out of the arena on both teams, like a hundred people and told them that the game would not keep going unless they all left. They had to play the whole rest of the parents out of the arena on both teams, like 100 people, and told them that the game would not keep going unless they all left. They had to play the whole rest of the game with no parents at all. It was crazy. Wow. Did they have any adult representation, the officials? Or were these teenagers making

that? That's wild. That's really ballsy from those teenage officials to not just leave Themselves and just be like hey, you're we need to get you guys out of here. Like that's that's pretty I Applaud them for that now now listen these fucking refs. So I'm sure they were blowing every call Yeah, they got rid all the parents didn't realize they were still here Yeah, the coaches are still here. Yeah, the setting. And so he does the setting nine to 10 year old fall ball

at our neighborhood rec center. So this is the setting nine to ten year old. Yeah, the situation a very timid hitter steps into the box against a legitimately skilled pitcher and immediately steps out on Two waist-high fastballs down the middle the third pitch was a looping change-up at barely half speed the kid on a mound had Skills this guy's painting a picture. Yeah Talking about like fucking holly's this is like fucking was this Mariano Rivera's kid? I mean this guy

He's really he's really into this fucking got this kids like pitching abilities You know this kid was doing everything. Yeah, he's like fucking straight heaters fucking painting Motherfucker must add a paint brush fuck Nine-year-old kid he's probably It's so slowly. I just don't understand the bottom of the. A nine year old throwing a change up is just so fucking funny, too, like because they're just yeah, that's so young. That's like pre this.

I played baseball growing up my whole life and that's pre competitive. You know what I mean? That's before you're a little bit competitive, but there's no like there's no like, you know, rep or select or anything like that. You're just all kind of playing together, learning how to play the game. It's for sure his kid. There's no way I've been teaching good. So he goes, the kid on the mound had skills. Um, and he goes at half speed that dropped in for a perfect strike that the batter watched from outside chalk for strike three. Sorry buddy. The scene. This is where it made me so happy. I can't wait for you guys to hear this line. That was a fucking strike. Apparently the kids, dad,

a big biker slash MMA type hovering right behind the backstop and took offense to the call. So it's just, you know, big biker MMA. Who's is whose son was, who is his son? I think his son was throwing the pitches. His son's gotta be the pitcher and he called it a ball. Cause he didn't clarify that. Oh no, it was the batter. Cause he said that wasn't a fucking strike wasn't a fucking Yeah, you go so he called them three strikes because that's what he said okay now. I'm now I'm more clear on he called three strikes and

The the the biker MMA's guy guy. He's got the little shit kid at the batter's box He doesn't got he doesn't have the fucking guy who's out there throwing absolute smoke He's got the cowardly child and he is a huge guy You do you not want to mess with this guy and let us jump on the bat to the back Choked up on the bad. Yeah, he's fucking he's about he's seconds away from straight pissing his pants Yeah, I mean if this guy throws one high and tight on him fucking brushes him back, you know, yeah, he's kids in trouble. He's wearing a full cage.

I love the line. A big biker slash MMA type was hovering right behind the backstop and took offense to the call. Meanwhile, I was mildly baffled because that was the first time since I was a teenage umpire in the nineties that a parent actually swore at me. I politely told the dad, we don't use that kind of language around here and there are rules in place for spectators Yeah, that usually works

Excuse me, sir, but there's certain decorum that we follow around these parts I also like the picture that the biker dude doesn't even have a kid in the game. He's just there watching Yeah, totally. He maybe he's not maybe it's not his kid at all. He's just like Of course, we're hearing it from the umpire. Right is this this is the umpire? Yes, so he's saying that this was an obvious like a strike, but maybe it wasn't maybe he got it wrong And this guy is just a guy walking by who's just like You know, he's a tough guy. He doesn't have to like that's the thing. This guy's so tough Oh, you know, he doesn't worry about getting in trouble with the referee cuz what's the referee gonna? He's like

What are you gonna fuck? It's called. I'm gonna look at the umpire. Go. What are you gonna fucking do? Yeah, I'm an MMA guy. Don't go Biker type I will fuck you up. I got a vest on and fucking cauliflowered ears motherfucker. Don't fuck with me. I'm wearing my cut. I'm one of the sons of anarchy. One of the tough ones.

Yeah, I've got a sons of anarchy hoodie on. Those guys are cool. He goes, he goes and pointed to the sign he was standing right next to. Consider this your warning and don't use that language again. No harm, no foul. So the dad replies, I wouldn't have to yell at you if you did your fucking job. Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, true. If you just get the calls right, then he doesn't have to say anything at all, you know

That'd be funny. Maybe he was wearing a guy's Violence gang hoodie that true. Yeah, that's what he thought With that I paused the game grabbed his son's coach who was the rec center employee to explain what happened He swiftly walked him to walk to him as he was packing up his camp chair And he asked my name so he could complain about me and I really hope he does Packing up his camp chair, and he asked my name so he could complain about me, and I really hope he does Yeah, that's your bet. That's your best. Hope is that he's asking for your name to complain about you, buddy Talking biker type you know yeah, I get a cut your goddamn house fire bombed

Next week because I wrote up an ejection report and when I got home and had a time to land in the rec center Directors inbox at 8 a.m. On Monday morning. End of story. Oh, shit. Oh, end of story. That's what he thinks, man. He's fucked with an MMA biker type. This, this, if I've seen this movie, I know it ain't, it ain't even act two yet. You know what I mean? There's a whole lot. Yeah, there's someone's getting fucked up. They're going to burn it's umpire tattoos off his up. They're gonna burn its umpire tattoos off his body They're gonna make him fucking they're gonna make him like they're gonna like sit him down torture him and make him say like That he hates angel Hernandez, which is like for an umpire is such a crazy thing to say Hey blue 13 says please elaborate. I have quite a bit of ink and ride a motorcycle and watch MMA. Oh

So an umpire. Oh Hey listen some of us some of us in the brotherhood of the pyres Are also happen to be fucking super tough Biker type MMA's riding big-ass fucking Harley's going to be fucking super tough inked up no biker type MMA's right big-ass fucking Harley's go Their gang is called the strike zone oh Man this is these guys are yeah, I didn't realize that there was bad asses, but it makes sense because oh yeah There's a lot you're gonna need to be a tough guy cuz you're getting I mean all joking aside It probably is like the best thing you could have

For these kids baseball or like sporting events is just to have this fucking jacked up tough ass, dude Yeah, rep like roughing or upping the game because then all of these fucking shitty ass parents would shut shut the hell hell up. They wouldn't be able to say anything. You know what I mean? Cause like who's going to say something to a big tough biker MMA guy, you know? It does feel like you're not going to tell a big tough biker MMA guy, I'm going to follow you home because that's you up. Yeah. That's been something I noticed a lot with European soccer foo football as they call it, their referees are scared. It's not just in Europe, but in like South America it's like a bigger issue. Maybe even in Africa as well. But yeah, it is a huge, huge thing. I think it's just the most popular sport and people get super passionate about it. And yeah, it leads them to, I don't know, I guess like go murder a referee or whatever.

So he goes, they killed a guy in Columbia, one of the referees during the, I think it was maybe after the world cup or something. Yeah. Yeah. They killed him in the street. They killed, well they killed a guy who missed a Penalty as well scored on his own net. He got an own. They killed him Yeah, they killed a guy who missed a penalty in a big competition. You know miss he goes I'm also an umpire coach for years. I also volunteer for Special Olympics several different ways It's been countless hours a year donating my time skills and money to charity Thanks man, like I don't know what to say. Like, this is is this the MMA biker guy?

This is the second one. This is the guy that's commenting back and saying, I am an MMA biker guy. OK, hang on. So it's like, you really can't put this guy into a fucking box. Just what do you think you've got this guy figured out? You're like, OK, so you're really tough. Oh, you're an authority figure. Oh, you're actually sort of bad ass is really, really tough. Oh, wait a second. You're really kindhearted. I'm not sure how to actually, yeah, I don't know how, what you're all about because I spend countless hours a year donating my time skills and money to charity. Simply

stating kids father would have been enough here without painting others in a bad light based on stereotypes alone. Thank you. Sure. Okay. Next guy goes, I always love the players or parents who think they're going to get you fired for simply doing your job. And when there's already a shortage of umpires. Oh yeah. Good luck, pal. I got tenure I got umpire tenure tenure is crazy that's oh funny these guys there's so few of them that they give that's why they're acting so awful all the time we need to get more of them we need to but the problem is who would ever want to be one right so it's like so it's this really horrible thing where it's like who would ever want to be one?

And therefore that makes them into these like people who have so much power. They have so much power because they're in demand and there's so few of them. So it's really, I don't think it ever will fix itself. This, this umpire problem. Well, he comes back, you have to hear from him. He goes, the best part.

And I say this without any ego is the right. Yeah. Right. I'm not racist, but, Oh, I got a second. Yeah. Take your, you say this without any ego is really a good, the next line I'll make you happy. He goes, the best part. And I say this without any ego is that the rec director has made it clear. I'm their favorite umpire Yeah, they called me big man superstar Like I'm like should be in the big time and everything Yeah, I could. Yeah, they but I don't have time Yeah, yeah, I could be in the MLB. I just don't have time Because you got a refer you got umpire every day. I got a job I can't I don't have time for it the rectory I work at the grocery store

He goes I'm their favorite umpire simply I'm their favorite umpire simply due to simply doing what we should all be doing as umpire show up looking the part every time and every time calling a fair game by the rules with the addition of being very nice to the kids. So, so it's really sad. He's saying that I'm just doing the bare minimum. And all of a sudden that makes me everyone in the world's favorite guy. And I'm just doing it with no ego. Yeah, with no ego, I'm just saying that like, God, and I'm just doing the bare minimum that shows what everyone else is doing.

It's really a comment on society, not really a comment on me and how much everyone likes me. LeatherConstance said, I'm sure you cost the kid a D1 scholarship in the process. He puts the laughing emoji and he goes, yes, I have heard that from a parent. Oh yeah. No, I didn't just make up that funny thing. Yeah. So this is, they're really getting

in there fucking comradery here. You know, like really feeling, yeah, this is kind of cool to see. I feel like we're getting a peek behind the curtain here that we don't often get. Yeah. You're going to get a bunch of peaks But it is crazy so I just wanted to Dan. Do you you coached hockey? So did you played sport like what is your have you like?

Do you you have a built-in hatred for referees and umpires? Have you ever done any refereeing or umpire because I I've mentioned right I've done umpiring I've I umpired I umpired kids. I wanted money I was a kid and it was one of the only things that you could earn money at when you were that age kind of you know What I mean, you couldn't get a job my nephew refs hockey. He's 16 Yeah, yeah When you're when you're young and you can't get a regular job like I think I did it when I was like 13 or 12 I had friends who umpired as well.

I never did. I hated the refs. I played hockey was the main sport I played. I didn't, I was like the Esa Tikkanen kid. I was like a lot of penalty minutes. I was fast, but not like that good. So my job was- You were causing trouble.

You were causing trouble. Yeah, my job was to follow around the best player on the other team and slash them up on some silly puns. So you were constantly, you were constantly feeling heart done by the refs. Oh yeah, big time. So okay, I just wanted to make sure I was like, yeah. And Brian, do you have any sort of hatred or built-in hatred for the refs in the umpire? What is it?

I think we've talked about it before. What kind of sports did you play? Well, I did play with Ross and the Quinnbys where I bowled. I bowled 300 recently Are there ref there's no refs in bowling no of course there is and he's just trying to be just trying to brag to you That he has lied so he could show you his 300 ring that he got from I did 300 so that's that well is that Because I bowled a 300 they didn't have any rings at the bowling alley my dad gave me one of his I Promise you they've always got rings at the bowling alley if they don't have any rings that they didn't have any you can call them

So and actually I always remember what I'd say to Chris you can call them. It's like I'll call them and see like you guys always have like get them on record on audience They always have rings available for 300 game Brian I played baseball when I was a kid. He played baseball. Yes, we I think we talked about a little bit yeah, cuz I I have this story that makes me feel seem like that makes me feel seem like so I used to tell my friends this story about when I played baseball as if it was like a badass triumphant moment and then they made fun of me for it later so I was at the

bat right I'm standing up there guy pitches hits my thumb right I do feel I listen, I feel like I've heard this before, but yeah. So I think maybe you've said, I don't know if where you've said it though, or I don't even know if I was on a podcast, but I hits my thumb. I throw the bat up in the air. It hurts. You know what I mean? But I'm just part of the bat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The arm goes, well, I hit the bat too. So yeah, it doesn't even have to hit the bat. If your thumbs on the bat and it hits your thumb, then the thumb is part of the bat too. So yeah, it doesn't even have to hit the bat if your thumbs on the bat and it hits your thumb Then the thumb is part of the bat because it's like covering up part of the bat, you know, that's the rules Yeah, that's a rule. Yeah, it hurt

In your umpire days, you just know the rules still that's no I just know the rules cuz I was like I played baseball my whole life You know, like I played my entire life until I was almost an adult. So I yeah, I just knew the rules It hurt like fuck to me. So the next pitch was a ball Yeah, and I got walked. I didn't want to get walked I wanted to get struck out because my thumb hurt, you know, why didn't you just swing? I was in pain. I was so not I was so not good at baseball. You have no clue this motherfucker wanted to strike out He's so bad at baseball that he wanted to strike out. He couldn't figure out how to do that. I

Did the bases a guy I gotta run. Okay, so you got a run So somebody else who was hitting behind you maybe got a baby got a hit or something like that I got to the home plate and then I walked over to my dad and I threw up all over him and passed out and had To take into the emergency room. No, it was a sprained But I thought it was so cool that I ran hey man, I didn't give up I ran all the bases and then went Ran all the bases and then went to my dad It hurts so bad. I barfed all over my dad. La ma'am. Are you stuck it out? That's called being a fucking That's called the heart. It's about the size of the dog in the fight And that's what that's the kind of driving determination you need to and how many years agenda playing and what level did you make it?

Too. Okay, so I played two years. I played t-ball and then minor league Did you make it to okay, so I played two years. I played t-ball and then minor league Well t-ball what happened was they made me the catcher which is So they had to have a minimum of Every player had to play a minimum of three innings. So they would make me the catcher for three innings and then sit me on the bench. Oh man, that's tough. And then one time they put me on a pitcher's mound. If you're on a date, don't say any of those things. He's married.

He doesn't. Don't tell your wife. His wife knows all of it I'm cool and tough. She's just she's again. What was a tone of that? Said you're cool and tough and you bought 300 good job and she hugged me Ring we we love Katie we'd everyone knows on the part that she's the absolute best and the sweetest and she knows all All of these terrible things about Brian and so much worse stuff than what he's saying now and she still does love him It's quite incredible. Yeah, three innings

They let me pay three innings a game and then my grandma would come and she'd give me Hawaiian punch and I just sit on the bench and Drink Hawaiian punch and hope we won. Yeah. Oh, that's right. You get ice cream. Oh, I see. Yeah. Ice cream was a big. Did they not get you ice cream if you lost? Yeah. No, if you lost, you were not getting ice cream. Nowadays, I bet everybody gets ice cream, ice cream participation, ice cream. Now everybody gets ice cream, which is so fucked up.

Some of the kids shouldn't get ice cream if they lose. It's funny that I think on a team. Which is so fucked up some of the kids shouldn't get ice cream if they lose It's funny that I think about it now cuz it was a soft serve sundae and a baseball helmet. Oh, that's Really? I love yes wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait a second like a mini helmet Yeah, I never thought about this. Yeah, this is a big huge thing because Never thought about this. Yeah, this is a big huge thing because Brian is obsessed. He goes to the minor league baseball game Then he goes there almost exclusively so he can have soft serve ice cream in a mini baseball helmet That's so that's a reason that he goes there But now we're finding out that this is like a childhood memory of his where after baseball if he won the game

He would get that treat. So now it makes perfect sense why you love that so much, Brian. Hey, Brian, I just want to say, aw. Yeah. But cute as hell, dude. Thank you. But yeah, they would let me play three innings as catcher. And then one time they were not cute. This person, this is one time they were like, let's put them on a pitcher's mound. Yeah, this is going to be sad. Right. Oh, oh, yeah. For T ball. Yeah. Strike. Yeah. No, no, no. But T ball pitcher in T ball is still an important position because so many of the kids just hit the ball straight back to

the pitcher. I wonder why they made me there. so anyway, we're in a round robin winner. So that's not number one. That's actually third place. You know what I mean? But they made a little tournament, little round robin tournament. And you went and I caught one of the deciding balls because I just went like this Like I was standing

Out it landed in my glove and everybody's like, oh my god, you did something like basically That's I don't want to listen. I love to not give you credit for stuff is one of my favorite things, but You caught it. That's what catching a ball is You just stick your hand out and then Paul goes into the glove. That's that's what it is Here's oh, I don't think it was a flu. It wasn't like a complete flu you Let me give you a classic reddit lie here cuz this is this is off the the same pose. He goes this guy goes lol Cuz they're talking about how people parents will say they had a D1 scout there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry. So this guy's lol. That phrase reminds me of when I used to go out in the bleachers with an MLB polo shirt and khaki pants. I brought a clipboard and binoculars. Then when you make your way to the dugouts or walk by, everyone looks at you a bit nervous. When parents start asking questions, dugouts went from loud to silent Shit, I did some stupid stuff in my 20s. That's for sure

Because just he's trying to fuck their mom lies a lot. He's lying. Yeah, he's a red liar Yeah, this is not a real thing that he did. I don't you you know, it's I hope it's I hope he didn't try to do it You know, I mean, it's really it's really a sad Thing to be doing, you know Telling that story makes you look sad It makes you look sad because it makes you look like you're like just desperate for this like feeling important or whatever reminds me of Like something, you know, like showing off a fucking bowling ring that you did not

actually legitimately earn. And this guy goes, the OP goes, I've told parents before that I do advanced scouting for a few different scouts and it's always fun to see how quickly they change their tone and step away from the batter's box. So OP is saying the same thing. And then finally, Flying Irons has never did one as a baseball umpire. But I also served as a NASCAR official at our Saturday night track one Sunday. They had a they had a kids traveling go-kart race there. Probably Bubba's son was in it. Oh, most likely a bubble. It's like he's bubble up. Son was in that baby. This is Bubba to they had a kids traveling go kart race.

There was and I was asked if I could help out. I was up working with the flag man when some parent came running up, yelling at us for some reason. I told him I didn't know what he used for rate. I didn't know what he was used to for racing venues, but this was a NASCAR track. If you didn't get back in the stands, I was going to have that nice police officer over there escort both of you and your kid out of here. Oh, shit.

I don't know what it's like in your little in your fucking cart racing tracks or whatever. This is NASCAR, baby. Around here, we around here, if somebody even walks in our direction, we call the police. This NASCAR, baby round here We are drunk as fuck and scared. We are drunk and scared. This is NASCAR around here The police will be involved. They're already on the way. This is NASCAR What this next one is from our umpire and it just says wear your goddamn cup umpire and it just says wear your goddamn cup and he goes ball to intentional pun low

bounces off the plate catcher whiffs could have been much worse your balls don't care that the kids are only nine the baseball's harder than your balls usually i can just brush off whatever hits me i'm pretty tough fowl these guys are all i'm an mma type Yeah, let's just say yeah, I can drive a Harley I'll say that I can drive a Foul ball off the mask we good pitch hits the batter then into my chest fine. I'll wear it I took a moment after this one lmao this guy goes most umpires I know where a cup or rather all umpires who think of themselves as umpires wear one. The random dad slash coaches forced to volunteer by little league sometimes don't. And this next guy goes, mail umpires on the play to require by rule to wear one in little league and FED. It never

even occurred to me that someone would be out there without one. Next guy goes, how the hell do they enforce that? Which is a good question. Yeah, I don't think it's like an enforced thing. It's just like, Hey, this is a rule. Do it. You idiot for yourself. It's like seat belts. You know what I mean? Like just do it for you to save yourself because yeah, the ball is, I mean, if you're playing, if you're playing, I didn't work I never wore a cup and I played like baseball playing baseball I played as a show as a shortstop

And so it was a you know But if I was playing as a catcher like if I was behind the plate every single time with potential like balls getting foul tipped And shit, I would Definitely wear a cup being back there without a cup on is Would definitely wear a cup being back there without a cup on is Like a horrifying thought I have strong nuts, so I probably wouldn't wear a cup Okay, like that's a really hard Extremely They're like they're like adamantium. I don't think they're supposed to be hard

I think I feel like you've mentioned this before too though Is it is a your your your balls are really hard. Your penis is very soft No, my penis can get hard. But yeah, it's Maybe you're like a maybe you're evolved like a van advanced You have like a shell a protective shell like me the next You're just like goofing around about your balls being hard, though, right? They could just mean like you just mean like they're strong and tough. You don't actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't mean that they're actually physically hard. Yeah, I do. Most umpire. This guy goes male umpires on. OK, so he goes, how the hell do they enforce that? And he goes, obviously, your partner should be giving you a little cup check tap before you go out to the field as per baseball tradition. He goes, I would guess it's an after the fact limit of liability rule rather than a pregame inspection. And the guy goes, seems pretty harsh to approach a guy writhing in pain on the ground after

being hit a balls and go, Hey, by the way, here's a fine. I would like that. I would think that's funny. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. A guy goes for anyone who has not been hitting the balls yet from personal experience I can tell you it hurts pretty much identically with or without a cup the cup pushed in by the ball not true And on your junk the way the ball would the reason to wear a cup is it protects you from long-term?

Injuries to your very sensitive organs down there and that is very important. It's still going to hurt though. Yeah, no, I'm vest. Yeah, it is true on some level. But I think I have I didn't wear a cop and did wear a cop a few times, you know, and it definitely hurts less when you have a cop on it still hurts though. Definitely. Well, it hurts less. This is Reddit. So there is a contrarian here. Okay. He goes, this threads going there anyway. So I don't think this is a vulgar or crass by any means. Direct advice to OP doing youth games. I tried it for a while years ago, but as a non-player, I ain't wearing no stupid fucking cup. It's a pain in the dick and just wildly impractical. If you're an adult size human on your haunches for X number of hours.

I always advise every young male umpire to master the art of grasping the happy meal before each pitch you tuck it away behind the catcher. No one will ever notice and the extremely seldom occasion that a coach or parent does notice they get a chuckle out of it and understand the direct practical reason. There are so many taps I've taken off a knuckle that I didn't even get a mark from the seams would have destroyed my sack had I not been clutching it. So this guy says, Hey, don't work up, hide your balls in your ass. I think is what you think your balls in your ass with your hand and just hold it there. And like occasionally people behind you will sort of catch like all your junk behind you. He's wearing shorts.

He's got you. Yeah, like even in the tight like baseball shorts, like pants where it's just like you see the whole outline of like his penis head and his shaft and his balls. And when the parents see that that they get a jackal They like the kids love it. It's a it's a it's a big big hit at the games Hey guys, it's the masturbating ump Shortage so they're like this guy plays with his penis the whole time, but he'll do the job Listen, we literally if we want to play this game. We gotta go with the master The community center actually said I'm the best

Because I have my balls better than anybody with a cup well that makes sense why that other guys consider the best Um, you know, he's just like I wear a cup cup I don't fucking touch my dick a bunch during the game. So rule first first and foremost I don't touch my dick during the game. That's what makes me better than the other um, I think this guy is Yeah, just being a contrarian I guess but maybe it's it is uncomfortable wearing a cup. I guess you know Yeah, yeah, but I still I think when you're back there yeah although don't play with your dick and balls that's what the OP says please do not grab your genitals while standing behind boys just general life advice and then guy goes here's where you're wrong with sliding shorts on a built-in here's where

you're wrong responding to that it You're doing it wrong. It's baseball. You grab your nuts. Oh man. It's baseball, baby. So yeah, there's a big argument going on about nuts and grabbing your dick and stuff like that. I like the picture of it.

It's all the same guy posting all of the same things so that he can get away with... He's creating his own argument so he can get away with touching his dick and balls. So I went to all right. I went to a website called Ref Chat. It's a forum for referees. So this is this is European football. Oh, OK. So football. Yeah, it's funny.

Footy footy refs. Soccer for the Americans. Ram ref says, Hi, all. A very rare one yesterday under 12 match last minute blue team nine to down. Game is dead in the first half. I gave a rather soft penalty to the Blues, which they scored. Similar foul happens on a red player, so I feel I need to give that one too. Penn is taken and saved, the ball out for the corner.

As we're getting ready for the corner, blue number four comes and asks if they've paid me. Straight out descent. Oh, straight out descent. I mean, descent is the actual term for it. That's what you get, like a yellow card for descent They call it is 12. Yeah, the kids 12, but like just straight-out descent like oh my goodness What do you do here that he's asking should I have said should I send them off, right?

That's what he wants to know says why see sin bin. I don't know what sin bin is so oh they might they yellow card So why see a little card sin bin? I guess I guess they do that now and youth In certain places where they'll actually have like a time where you get a yellow card You're off the field for a certain period of time like five minutes or something So he goes when asking for his last name all his teammates around him started laughing what which indicates a false name laughing what which indicates a false name. Oh, this guy's got full. This guy has gone full straight up fucking law and order detective on this thing. He's just like, yeah, the reaction from his people, the people around him

indicated that this name was not real. So let's get to the bottom of this. Let's stop the game. Let's do a background check on this guy. We need to go down the passports. Let's go to city hall. No, let's go to the bottom of this. Let's stop the game. Let's do a background check on this guy. We need to go to passports. Let's go to City Hall. No, let's go to your house right now. No, I don't want you to have time to prepare.

That's the point. Let's go down. Do you have a recent piece of mail that anyone sent you? Give a utility bill by a chance. Under 12 guy, he goes, his coach walks on to ask what's going on. I explain and he begins taking the player off player, then turns around with his manager right next to him, begins running to me, shouting, you're fucking shit ref while giving me the two fingers

before I can pull the red card out. He begins punching me full force. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, okay. Listen, I I don't know that I've ever told this. I I remember playing in a in a soccer tournament Uh at hue boyd field. That's the my high school that I went to but it was like uh It was some team from coquitlam Which is a suburb of Vancouver, and this guy got a yellow card for a tackle, and he ran right up to the ref in the middle of the field, and he said, fuck you, you fucking cunt. It was so offside.

We were like 10 years old. It was like so unexpected it was I remember the absolute shock from like audible like oh from the like crowd of people and shit and it was just like I'll always remember that it was like I didn't know that something like that could happen until that moment adult oh yeah the reference this is this I don't understand why you would do this job as an adult if you're not trying to be a pro-ref. I don't know what. Yeah, the money's not that good.

I don't know. I think it must be a thing like authority. You have some sort of authority over something. You know what I mean? Like even if people are talking shit on you, you get to make the final decision. You know, like you're the arbiter or whatever. I think I said this on the karate guys stuff. We've done to on like guys plus and on the episode

I just don't want to be in a situation where a 12 year old can punch me as hard as he can because You know, I volunteered at a school right for the first three years of my daughter's Kindergarten first and second grade grade, I volunteered in the classes. The time they got the third grade, the kids were getting a little lippy, and they would, you know, swing on you. And I was like, I'm done. I'm not going to do this anymore.

I'm not going to put myself in a position where a fucking nine-year-old can punch me. And then I'm like, okay, then you work at Chuck E. Cheese. Well, yeah, I got I've told you I got beat up there, though. Yeah, I know. Yeah, but I got beat up once and then this one girl got I was dressed as Chuck E. The first time I did it, these kids started punching the shit out of me. Yeah. And knew right away they could fucking smell it on you right away.

They're like, this guy is fucking this guy's. This guy's not a real rat. Now this guy is. Yeah like this guy's fucking this guy's not a real rat yeah this guy's bullshit like the um because because you know if most of the coaches their kids are on the team usually right usually not tied to and there's no reason to be there other than like it to me it's kind of sus the whole thing is weird it's it's like it's like I feel like people who are adults and who are still just like reffing and I'm being I guess they just love the game maybe some of them to give them that the benefit to say that like not to say that some of them you know I'm sure that there's a lot of real fucking pieces of shit as

well but like I think some of them just love the game and they want to be around it. And again, it's just this feeling. I think it's like you have some power and it's like a thing where people have to respect what you say. And you know, I mean, you get to say strike three and he's out and he has to leave the batter's box. And I get to tell that's got to feel good if in your life you're walking around and no one's ever listening. You're like, hey get out of the way and they're like fuck you, you know, like no one ever listens to you

and you don't have that kind of I don't know. I can't yeah I don't know for sure what drives people because I'm not it would be interesting to hear I think they would probably say like the game, you know. Yeah, and a few years You're gonna get cuz I I was asked to coach a soccer Team. Yeah, and I was like fucking not a place They're the same people who work as security guards a lot of the time Prevention people I Yeah, I think these guys are like loss prevention people in the way that they think they're tough and all that stuff

But they have more skin in the game than loss prevention guys cuz loss prevention guys are hiding They're like I worked at a place called shoppers drug Mart, which is Canadian CVS I worked there for a long time and we had I worked in like a Downtown one that was sketchy and we had our loss prevention officers would beat the shit Yeah people for stealing like a toothbrush like tackle them through an aisle like well Dan are you familiar with merchants privilege? Yeah, we covered loss prevention guys we did a whole episode There's a guy that we cover like really regularly who tells stories and he goes back to the old places where he used to do loss prevention and he does the

videos in the parking lot of the old establishment. Like they're all closed now, but he'll tell the wildest stories. I've seen it with my own eyes, man. I saw them full on like rugby tackle a teenage girl for stealing makeup. they get to hide. Nobody knows your loss prevention officer until you reveal that you're a loss prevention officer. You get to go sit back in your stupid room and look at the videotape. Yeah, they had a camera. I'll tell you real quick. One time a

guy, a guy, he was he when he they were watching him because there was like no one in the store just a regular looking guy this guy when got a box from the post office that was in the store and then he went around and just grabbed really expensive stuff from the store went back put it in the box and then mailed it to himself that is so funny oh my god yeah but then he got busted for mail fraud and it was like a way worse offense. Yeah. Like really dumb in the end. Seemed like one of those things. It seems like it's a smart idea.

It's actually really dumb. By the way, I just want to circle back and say you said she was stealing $10 worth of makeup. What are like a thimble full? I mean, that's a joke. That's a joke for the ladies. They'll understand that. That stuff is expensive. It was the early 2000s. So I see

Inflation oh and nowadays good Lord to get out of control price wise check it half a chapstick for 10 bucks Unbelievable though what they're charging for Burt's bees nowadays Get up. It's fucking wax man. I love this next line though So he goes before I can pull the red card out He begins punching me full force didn't hurt me but was quite Watches a scary movie and says wasn't scary I was punching me as hard as he could he was trying his best to hurt me and he still failed Yeah, like your MMA type. So it was like my beard kind of blocked a lot of them

I have a big huge beard kind of that. Yeah, that's through my ink He goes manager and other players pull him away so they had to be that's the nightmare is When you're at it's the same. I've said this before when you're at somebody's house and their kid is awful and You're like I can't Do anything about this? There's nothing I can do my nephew. I hate him and like Say that well, I just don't like him at all, but that's a kid so annoying no, but that's a kid He's not a kid anymore. He's then he's still annoying. How old is he? 1819 he's been to jail and stuff. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. He's not a child anymore. Okay, that's fair

You can say I just I got and he would come up and just start bugging you He like he hated him when he was a child. Oh, dude. He's the only child I've ever hated in my life I love kids. Yeah, you are you guy. Yeah, you do like kids. You're not a that's what it Pets I like kids. I'm a kid. I love toddlers. I love kids people send me pictures of their fucking kids cuz they're cute I just sent you a couple of Charlie actually incredible. I sent them. Yeah. Yeah, there were some good ones It was like I sent Brian some exclusive ones. They're sorry. It's a rare Charlie's they call rare Charlie's I call him He goes manager. So he goes Suppose he did that because he knew how late we were in the game

He wouldn't get back on other blue manager didn't seem to do much either Which is slightly worrying the coach who pulled the player off was completely cooperative though and apologized to me for his players actions And so did the Reds managers players and parents the league and FA have seen Have seemed to be good with it so far. Just want to know your thoughts on this cheers Referee X replies and goes wow easy to dismiss this as a very young child But there's a fair chance that someone who does this as a young child will do it again when they're not such a young Yeah, I would I would agree depending on sort of, you know, it seems like this person has some behavioral issues and some issues with authority that if you'd sort of go unchecked might continue

to manifest themselves. But I mean, let's not write this kid, if he's a young child, they don't need to say forever necessarily if you, you know, if you probably give this kid some love I mean I started smoking weed and do an acid when I was 12 like that was you yeah Yeah, now I go now I go to 12 step meetings Because kid possibly has situations going on outside of football causing them to relax react like that But it doesn't excuse it needs a lengthy ban from playing to make them realize how Unacceptable it is but also needs a little bit of support

I would think as that's not normal 12 year old behavior again. That is normal 12 year old behavior Well, I don't think it is I don't think it is you're saying it's normal 12 year old behavior to start beating up like growing An adult. I mean I don't you know, I know, Brian, when you were younger, you were in a violence gang and you would often assault adults. But it's the promise to you. That's not normal behavior for a 12 year old kid. It is. It is alarming if somebody is like just in a situation like that, getting so mad where they're unable to control themselves in a situation like that, that they're beating up an adult. That is alarming and they need some intervention.

I was a bad kid and I never did that. Yeah, I had behavioral issues and I had behavioral issues and issues with my temper and stuff like that. And I never in all of my I did a couple of, you know, I remember I fully kicked out at a kid, fully kicked out at him in soccer, just kicked his leg out like as hard as I could. Like it was a brutal red card tackle

And yeah, and I didn't get sent off because the ref was my babysitter from when I was young And there it is There's name was Mike and he was very kind, but I yeah, I never Assaulted a refer. I think that is like you need to take your kid to go see somebody if that's the case I talked to some Or get him into the police academy real early get him to be a cop Great cop yeah r slash umpire citizen recon says tell us about your first time These not talking about fucking and suck. Okay. Yeah, that's not this kind of, this isn't that kind of show. Okay.

I wildly just read this post. Yeah. I want to hear your story behind the very first game that you ever umpired. How did you even become an umpire? How did it go? Where was it? What level league was it? Did it go as expected?

Let's hear about it. First guy. I was 15 year old catcher questioning some of the balls and strikes of the umpire behind me. He asked me if I thought I could do better. And I said something like, well, it wouldn't take much between innings. He went and talked to my dad, came back and told me I was working 13 year old Jamboree that Saturday. That was almost 30 years ago. I've been calling games ever since. Oh my God, man. Smoking a cigarette, looking out a train window. That is such a like,

fucking stand up comedy story. Do you know what I mean? Just like, you think you could do better? Like, probably. Been doing it ever since. Oh man, that is a really good origin story. That is a really good, that's like, might be my favorite umpire origin story that I could think of, you know? I feel like that's the only good umpire origin story. That is a really good, that's, that's like, might be my favorite umpire origin story

that I could think of. You know, I feel like that's the only good umpire origin story. Well, this one says I got recruited in the spring of 1997. I was a catcher in a plate umpire noticed little things that I was doing that told him I understood some nuances of the room. Okay. Okay. Hang on a second. I might've found a better one. This guy was such a... He was a catcher and he's just like... It's on fire. It's like, I noticed something in this kid, you know? He's like, hey, how would you like to get out of this horrible position you're in as one of the players in the game and become somebody who just calls the balls and strikes and no longer has any athletic involvement.

You could be in charge of the game. I want to read that sentence again because it is so funny to me. I got recruited in spring of 1997. I was a catcher and the plate umpire noticed little things that I was doing that told him I understood some nuances of the rules So he was like this guy follows rules Yeah, this guy knows the rules Yeah, that's so this guy was like such a fucking nerd. Yeah behind the plate He was just like I'm better that untucked Jersey rule matter that untucked Jersey rule for

You know like it was just like he was he was absolutely narking everyone out. He's doing a good job You're calling the best balls and strike those good that was outside you're right Honestly, I wanted it cuz it's our picture, but that was outside. This is, I think you guys are right, though, that it's mostly compliments of him, but also just being a huge nerd back there. That's what got him into it. Yeah. He goes, he was a UIC ump and charge for a youth tournament that weekend and asked if I wanted to come out.

I'd officiated soccer, basketball, and volleyball since I was 12. So I said, why not? That weekend went fairly painless. So he's been officiating soccer, basketball, and volleyball since he was 12. This guy should be in the pros to tell you the truth. This guy, he might just be honestly jack of all all trades, master of none, perhaps in this situation, you want to sort of imagine you got to learn all the rules of all of the games that's where our spectrum is. First high school game I ever did was in 2000. It was a tournament championship

that had been rescheduled and the umpires didn't show. It just so happened to be at a youth ballpark that I was supervising the um didn't show. It just so happened to be at a youth ballpark that I was supervising the umpires at. And I just so happened to be registered with the state for high school baseball. Had a run in with Greg Vitello, father of Tony, University of Tennessee. He had a kid who got drafted in the first round that year,

throwing for him and was begging for pitches about four or five inches off to be called strikes. He did the old wait for me to come out the it anymore this is a 19 year old telling an adult this listen great he doesn't need that pitch it like oh man this guy is really trying to do the umpire thing that he's seen on TV like start screaming at 12 year old kicking dirt at it he's smoking us to gar we're talking about anymore game ended to one He actually came to ask me why he's never seen me before after that game when I told him it was my first high school Game ever he said could have fucking fooled me man hell of a kid. Oh Hell of a job kid makes more sense

Hell of a job kid Smart sense. Yeah, there's a little thing. Anyway, yeah, hell of a job, kid. Very cool. Yeah. He came up and he said, you're a goddamn man. You're the best. How come I haven't my life? How come I haven't seen you around on par World Championship? You want to go get a burger with me?

This is my first ever. Your first ever. Are you fucking kidding me? That strike you called in the third inning. I was fucking wild, man. I'll tell you what, I have never seen somebody call a strike so perfectly. You know, I went to Quora and somebody asked the question, has arguing with the referee

ever been successful for a player? Jim Gordon replies, and this is his bio. Retired soccer ref, 3,500 assorted matches, ex-ref and structure, ex-coach, and structure, ex-coach, division three pro soccer team manager, local and US state association board member, youth player and fan top football refs in three countries ref in two got involved with refereeing and a couple more and then it cuts off this is so No, he cut him off. He's got more. Yeah, but I didn't I didn't say I see you You I you have to click more and you thought that's enough

That is the law. Because usually it's like one thing, you know, and honestly, like none of those were it's one of those things where he doesn't have a really good accolades. So he's just put a lot of things on there to try to sort of make it seem like he's an accomplished ref. But like, yeah, I didn't hear anything there that was impressive, really, as far as like being a top level ref. Well, he goes, arguing is a tactic that players and coaches and teams use. Those who use it delude themselves that referees aren't generally just as smart and perceptive as players and coaches.

I like that. Hey, you guys think you're so fucking smart. Could you play the game? I know all the rules to the game. How does that make you fucking feel? I'm just as smart. It's just my body that doesn't work as well. If you think it works, you obviously haven't had any significant

experience as a referee. When a player argues with a ref, the player is basing his position on a belief that the ref either misperceived what happened or doesn't know what applied to all correctly. Right. I hate this guy. I hate this guy. I hate to wait. Yeah, this guy's the reason why we hate refs. Yeah, he's a tough ref. Yeah, tough rep. But he's he's one of those ones who he's going to sit you down and explain you see them on TV Sometimes and said and if you played sports you've you've like experienced it where they're like they want to explain to you

The call and it's just like oh shut the fuck up I don't care, you know But they're just so into the rules and like every little thing of the game. It's so important to them You know, that's so funny that you said cuz you know I've talked about how I raised my daughter and She's a good kid. She never got punished in the whole time. She was a kid. They just I'm not I'm not gonna ground you I'm not gonna hate you or whatever You already hit

I Hitting that was it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what other ones I guess taking stuff away from you Yeah, my parents in that stuff away, but I never did that he found and pound. Yeah the old crowd didn't found so anyway The punishment that wasn't really a punishment was if she did something fucked up She had to sit down and talk to me about how it made me feel, how it made her mom feel and how it made her feel. And she fucking hated it and would like sky be like, okay, it's time. You know, we gotta have a talk. And she's like, no,

she would scream. She hated talking to me when she got in trouble That sounds like what you're saying about the refs is like he's like look I need to sit down and talk to you and you're like, I don't I don't want to sit down until I Want to have this conversation with you at all? I mean listen these refs if you were being like I Think these refs are what makes them so upsetting though versus what made you upsetting I don't know what made it upsetting to talk to you but people find that it upsetting talking to me the I'd say the I've said it's just these people are obsessed with the rules to a degree that it's like

okay you're obsessed with them you're calling all of them you don't need to like explain them to me and talk about them. You know, like I don't actually care about the sport on that level. I mean, I like have fun playing it. That's it. I'm going to give you guys some some really good stuff here, because he goes, when a ref has developed some experience and some balance as a ref, he or she knows that he or she has repeatedly passed the annual rules test and has seen a lot of what happens on soccer fields.

Referees generally amass about 10 times the game experience that players do per year over a career. We, we, so, um, yeah, actually, because we're not doing any of the physical side of things, we can actually do like a lot of games every week. Uh, so we actually have more experience than you some might say we're like more of an athlete more involved in sport than more of a sock I mean I would say the only person that I would say is more impressive athlete would be a professional wrestler

because they have to have a bunch of different things they have to have the acting they have to have all of the different you. They have to have the acting. They have to have all of the different, you know, they have to have fighting. It's the most impressive because that she he or she immediately can recognize when a player is gaming the referee, their short or long term game. We teach referees that the laws require them to react to being called blind or stupid, ignorant or a cheater by testing the players eyesight for yellow or red. Color vision. Oh, boy, I hate this. So yeah.

Yeah. I check your eyesight. Can you see yellow? Oh, fuck you. Oh, shut the fuck up. Well, that's a red road about it in their journal later. That's a red. That's a red. That's so good today.

Because Law 12 says dissent, disagreeing with the referee's decision by word or deed is required to be cautioned. Abuse negative characterization, characterization of an opponent or referee must be sanctioned by showing the red card and sending the person off and or away from the field. So he's like, if somebody says I've made you like he's saying like you can get them in trouble. Hey, you're in trouble. You can send it. Listen, even when I was a kid, I don't know if I've mentioned this before,

but we had to go to a hearing when I would get red carded quite a bit when I was younger in these games and to try to deter you from it, you would have to go to like an actual fucking hearing. Like I would have to drive out with my coach out to Burnaby. It was like 25, like 45 minutes away from my house. And I would have to drive out there and sit and wait in like a waiting room and go and sit in front of these adults and have a hearing and like discuss my red card, so He's basically saying like yeah, you can really fuck these people's lives up They say something mean to hurt your feelings you can really like yeah

Yeah, I was like teens or adults involved. That's great. Were you playing it like a pretty high level like that's nuts I was I was playing rap soccer like I was playing rep soccer. Yeah, like a super, super high level. Yeah. Not at like, yeah. I mean, it was I was young. I was like I was like 12 years old or 13 years old or whatever. You told me that one of the referees was like, this guy's got it. Well, one of the referees noticed that I that I saw the rules.

He said you should be a referee and I was like, fuck you, buddy. And he read guard advice. He got speaking for myself when a player tries to argue, he removed all of his cushion of tolerance that I might feel for any infraction, foul or misconduct that he might commit thereafter for a considerable time. We teach referees that their integrity and independence are their most precious assets absolutely necessary for doing a job. Then he did an edit.

I mean, he goes a referee who lets a player or coach argue him into changing a decision that simultaneously showing everyone that the game is no longer being refereed by an impartial referee who makes his own decisions in the edit. Then he goes, here's a favorite referee joke with a considerable element of truth. Question, what's the difference between a terrorist and a soccer referee? You can negotiate with and maybe change the mind of a terrorist. Oh, man.

That's like a joke. That's funny. Yeah, because it's like that's the whole authority thing there. There it is right there to like that. That this person is in it for the authority. Definitely. Because they're saying like, yeah, this is my favorite joke is how you cannot change our mind no matter what. And we must we have the final say on everything no matter what. The 9-11 hijackers all referees I don't know if you knew that. Yeah I mean that's why it went through that's why it worked. You know that I knew that I know everything about 9-11 to me it is considered and no it wasn't it's

not funny. Chris thinks it's one of the funniest things that's ever happened. I did not say that. I didn't mean to insult you. People have been spreading that rumor for years now, I feel like, but it's not true. I did not laugh at 9-11. When he was doing stand up, he would go up on stage and the first thing he would do is just look at the audience and he would say, 9-11. It erupted. It erupted into laughter.

You probably could get a laugh walking on stage and being like, hey guys, 9-11? You know, like that probably would be able to get a laugh, you know? Let's try it. We'll get you out here for ComFest. Maybe you can go on stage and say 9-11? I got two shows tonight at a very low stakes venue. I'll do it. Yeah, Dan, go up and try it out walk up and say 9 11 as a question.

Pose it as a question. Well, this guy was asked, what's it like to be a referee in the NBA? And Timothy, his bio is works at basketball referee 1983 to present. So he goes, these guys are gals are good. It's not it's not about making the calls, right? That's important. It's more about having a personality that people won't question your calls.

Why? Why? Why? Why is he talking about NBA refs? He's he says he works at basketball referee. So but but is he they see you in your family and NBA refs? Yes, yes, yes. That's what I see. You don't have to get the calls, right? You just got to be cool. You got to love. Bron James has to want to hang out with you.

That's all he's right. The NBA refs are the worst refs. They're known as the worst. You have to come out in a leather jacket. I think it's the hardest. I think it's so hard to ref basketball. If you like, watch it. It's like played so fast and there's so much contact on every single play.

And it's very, very difficult to discern between contact that's legal and illegal. But also, there's a lot of the NBA refs who are flat out taking money from the mafia and just shaving points. There was the one guy who was like caught doing it. Yeah, I don't. He might be. I don't. I think he's like it was a while ago. I he he got he he like was a right. Yeah. Yeah.

And he there's no way he was the only one that was doing it. He's the one that got caught. There's no problem in the rest of the league with any of that. He goes, if everyone turns on you, you're gone. Good lifestyle. If you can take the stress, they make a fraction of what players make 250,000 dollars average Wait a second you tell me that you tell me that guy out there who's officiating this game working harder than any of them Is to make as much money as that one guy number 23 who's fucking taking about 10 shots He goes the best get picked for playoffs every call is dissected. They have to watch the time like a taking about 10 shots. OK, he goes, the best get picked for playoffs. Every call is dissected.

They have to watch the time like a three eyed hawk. Judgment calls are normally not questioned by superiors. If you make a rule mistake or a timing mistake that is looked at very harshly. They stay at four star hotels. Hmm. That's not bad. I stay at four star hotels. Yeah, that's not bad.

But I. My minimum. Do-star hotels. Yeah, that's not bad, but I my minimum do they not Stop saying stuff like that I won't stay in anything under four Yeah, Chris is like I'm doing a three and I'm like bad bugs The hotel I stayed at in Tucson made me so mad when I got there because they told me they'd have a fan for me. Yeah, you told me about this and you went and you told me you went and clogged their toilet. I mean, that did happen. I posted about that on Instagram.

The text sometimes I'll post text messages that Brian says to me, I'll just post them to the public Instagram account without is even asking him about it. And it was. Yeah. So you run down like the toilet. No, the the hotel. Oh, OK. It just made it look like it was nice as a Hilton. You know what I mean? That's a that's a four star place. But this was not four star. I almost rented another room.

Hilton's are different stars there. It's a big chain. You just thought every Hilton is four stars or better No, no, no, it said four stars. Oh, it didn't say four stars. So I was the first night We were there I was laying on the bed. I was gonna get a different hotel and just pay for both Because I was just like I hate this hotel, but I didn't. That's not so you could, you could done seven stars that, you know, that's four star and a three star. Well, before we get out of here, let's do one more question. How does one become a WWE referee? Oh, great question.

It is. Yeah. Step one, cocaine. Wait a second. Wait a second. So, so this is the fake sport. Step one cocaine way to shake it. Wait a second. So so This is the fake sport. You want to be a referee on the fake sport? That's he that's like a so many layers of like

detached from Athleticism or whatever where it's just like I want to I want to be a referee but not on the real one Yeah, you're and you have to be able to do yeah You have to be able to take a bump though Brian won't you know this right? Sometimes the refs off to take a bump. Yeah, take a bump. You got to not be looking where Like it's very important that you're not looking when somebody cheats because you take a chair sometimes. Yeah, I take a chair No, it's true. I guess I'm thinking about it now. And it's actually a way more fucked up difficult thing

than being like an MLB umpire, because nobody's hitting you with a chair. And if there was a possibility of getting hit with a chair in the MLB, Angel Hernandez would have got his ass clubbed 10 times by now. I mean, well, you have to use the use the back as fucking hitting you with a chair. It's a bath here running out of the dugout and clobbering Angel Hernandez in a fucking playoff game. That would be really slow. CB Buckner is the new Angel Hernandez, everybody.

He's always been, by the way, just to be clear, CB Buckner has been around for just as long and has been just he's like sort of he's always been known as being horrible as well. But now that angels retired, he's sort of the main guy. So yeah, a wrestling referee again, has to almost like they have to be bad in a way. You know what I mean? They have to let the heel get away with stuff. But they also have to pretend like we're, Hey, you cut that out. You know what I mean? Like they always, like it's they'll, they have to let the heel hit the other guy with a chair and then they have to catch the baby face about the swing. The chair seems difficult. You

know, I tried to do commentary once and it was so hard that I can't imagine what roughing is like Where did you try to do commentary? Oh, it was up in it was in Houston, Texas Tim Faust. Oh, yeah did this party world wrestling. It was more of an art thing Okay, but they had commentary in the building you can hear it over this loudspeaker and I said I was so bad I've never been so do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm all the moves and stuff. You gotta hire me. I can fix this. I can turn this thing around

You know, you just said that when you were actually Put into a position to be involved in one single event you froze up Completely blew it and now you're saying you want him to hire you for his big wrestling promotion for booking I can book you think you could be behind the scenes kind of guy? I could be the best booker in the world. You know what I would do? I'd make a spreadsheet. That's all they need.

That's fucking smart. Yeah, that's actually smart. That's all they need. Brian is like 100% serious. He's joking. I'd be great at it. The spreadsheet thing, he recognizes the humor in saying that and he's thinking he's making a joke there.

But I would do that. That's what I would do. That's my job. But he's 100% serious about how he thinks he could be the best booker in wrestling. And as I discovered doing research for the 100th episode a little while ago, a few months ago, is that it really is how every single wrestling fan feels and I'm different Brian just like the wrestling fans

He could he could be in a whole episode where we're making fun of that concept But they can't stop themselves from thinking that way if they're a wrestling fan They just have to be like they're watching the matches they're like no he should be fucking fighting against him and yes should be doing it yeah yes so anyway how does one become a referee well Richard is a former naval veteran long-haul trucker and umpire so he's not a ref he's an um he's done umpiring so he's done some umpiring he sometimes drives his done some umpiring. He sometimes drives his long haul. He goes across the country and umpires games in different towns around America.

Hey man, I'm in town next week. You need any games umps? Hey, you need a base ump there? I don't know if I'm feeling up to behind the plate. I got a long run the night before. First of all, first of all, you need to watch a lot of wrestling. Okay, I want a lot of wrestling. Well, I don't watch as much as I used to, but you still watch like way too much for a. No, I don't. I watch dynamite and collision if I have the chance to watch

collision and then I watch pay per views, which, by the way, there's a pay. Like, what else is there? Like, I don't understand for somebody. I don't watch any WWE Okay, but you're watching everything that the one promotion puts up Feel like that's good, but you're right though. There are obviously a lot of people who are like I'm gonna fucking watch New Japan and I gotta watch all that too. I watch

This year you watch a lot of wrestling, I feel like. I do, I love Japanese. I like Japanese wrestling better than American wrestling because the audiences don't chant. This guy goes. I know, I know, Brian, I know. Watch how they move, how they perform such things as counting wrestlers out.

They're pinning counts, something as simple as how they enter the ring. Next you need to have a great understanding about the rules of professional wrestling. But most of all, there are incredible amount of politics involved. You just don't walk into WWE headquarters in Stanford, Connecticut, and ask Triple H for a referee job. It takes some weight. That's the way you said that. It kind of made it sound like you that is what I should do You know what I mean? Like he's doing that thing like it's not like you just walk into

Stanford Connecticut and ask Drops the address. Yeah I've driven by it. He goes it takes some connections and minor promotions like roh ECW Etc roh, that's my promotion too. Ring of honor. I watched a lot of ring of honor too. Most WWE referees are wannabe wrestlers who never made the grade.

If you're really serious about this, first of all, that's not true. Actually. Yeah, I don't think a lot of them don't look like they were, you know, like it's a really different look Because you can't be bigger than the wrestlers as the ref you can yeah Kick this shit out of that's good again. We discussed at the beginning It would be really good in real life

It would stop people from talking shit But in wrestling in this fantasy world, you have to have a little scrawny little draft. You can be the one, two, three kid at best. Yeah, yeah, you can't be big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he goes, if you're really serious about this, the first thing you really need to do

is find some mom and pop promotion at some carnival. Which, by the way, come on. They don't do that anymore. Oh, Brian, you go to all the carnivals? You gotta go around to local carnivals all around carnival Oh Brian you go to all the carnivals you gotta go around to local carnivals all around and that's like they don't Advertise them. It would be easy then everyone would do it, you know guys are still people fighting at Yeah, guys and still thinks carnivals are like what they were when wrestling was invented at him. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. The bearded lady. After the bearded lady, we got a big wrestling match.

Yeah, yeah. Pick a guy out of the crowd. Hey, do you think you can beat this wrestler? And then do like a work fight? And we got these guys wrestling now. It's like, oh, actually, we call them little people now. You know? He goes, I'm an amateur baseball umpire and a hockey referee for almost 40 years and

I've worked games at a fairly high level but never the pros it takes incredible initiative and desire to make it that high I wish you luck and don't take no for an answer so we can maybe get a we could maybe get an NHL referee I know I've mentioned before I'm sure that I do know I grew up with an NHL Guy who's currently an NHL referee wait Let me check before we before we get out of here because I have a list of the worst NHL referees Oh my god. I hope he's on it cuz I He might be on it. He might be on it. I yeah, yes

McCauley no, that's not him Sutherland Yes, McCauley. No that's not him. Sutherland. Kelly Sutherland? No, Kelly Sutherland is not him, but he is from here and I have mentioned before Kelly Sutherland and I know because he is the guy who had sex with my friend's aunt and we would go over to my friend's house who lived at his aunt's and Kelly Sutherland would go over and have sex with her up in the bedroom and then he'd come out and leave.

We'd all be playing video games. Now that's offside that is such a fucking uh we do that here with jack hannah yeah jack hannah has fucked so many women so many guys wives well i don't know if that's what we do with kelly southerland around here this is just a personal story that I have. I don't know if he's known to do that or well, he did say Kelly Sutherland and organ damage says he's consistently trash. I think he gambles. Yeah. He hates the Canucks. He's like, or like, that's what they say that he, the Canucks fans hate when he reps the Canucks games. Yeah, it doesn't pay Batman. It says it has nothing to do with pay Batman trying to fix games.

Oh, yeah. That's weird. That no Gary. Batman is the is a commit is the NHL commissioner. This guy goes, I would think owners, you know, the ones whose money and often pride are on the line would do something about it. They just sit in their boxes and watch their teams get screwed and shrug their shoulders or maybe they enjoy it. Yeah it's it is pretty funny by the way the other referee that I grew up with his name Trevor Hansen that's that's the the referee that I grew up with I wasn't friends with them but like he was friends of friends and I you weren't a

friend of a referee growing up no I wasn't but it is kind of funny to me it's just like come on Canadians we're not all just like hockey, you know, and then it turns out we're doing a refereeing episode and I know grew up with one NHL referee and then had one NHL referee had sex with my friends and it sort of does make it seem like all Canadians are like hockey obsessed weirdos, you know? Well they are. Dan has a special coming out. Tell people where to find you.

Or it's out already, because this comes out on March 25. Whoa, yeah. My special. Whoa. See, that got a whoa from our. I don't want to tell you guys when we're recording this But I will just say Brian saying this comes out March 25th got an audible. Whoa from our The audible whoa came from me from him saying that he knows exactly which date

This is coming out because I also do a podcast and I have no fucking idea. And by the way, there's a good chance That's not the right it is right It is right because this is listen. This is the last main episode before I go to, California Yeah, he's right. I'll be in California when they're actually be home when this comes out, but yeah I will have already been to California Mm-hmm. Yeah, we've already hopefully We've already done a or announced a clothes a new clothing drop. Yep

Hey, we also have a live show coming up that you can't go to because it's sold out But Dan tell people where to find your your special though. We added a second show to the live show and then it's sold out Yeah, thank you to everyone. I get on it. You're not getting in you can't get in There's no extra tickets to it, but thank you next time But that's listen. Why do we take over Dan's plugs Brian? That's your fault Come my special is called cheat day And it comes out March 10th on YouTube So it's out you can watch it and we'll link it put the link in the description

You'll have the link there So you'll be able to click it and watch it dance very funny as I'm sure you can tell He's funny and he's a really cool dude, and he's you know he's from around here where I'm from and that's that's what you fucking kiss We're not in the same room. We suck each other off. We are in the same city though. I am in Vancouver. So we guys want to suck each other off. 69 later. All right, brother. Let's come on. We'll see you next week.

Let's go ahead and end the episode. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Bye. Love you.