Guys: With Bryan Quinby - Guys: Episode 114 - Rant Guys with Maddie Weiner

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

This week on Guys we had stand up comedian Maddie Weiner on to talk about rant guys, I swear we didn't plan to have two Maddies in a row but it is kinda cool that we did. We checked in with r/rant and then we looked at some of our guys ranting. Denis Leary and Dennis Miller get reviewed and we listened to some toastmaster rants. See Maddie's  tour dates  There is more Chris at https://www.patreon.com/notevenashow And for more Guys content, streams and SHOCKTOBER: a deep dive into shock jocks you can click patreon.com/guyspodcast, Join us on the Sunday Night Stream every Sunday night at 8:00 EST and I am on https://bsky.app/profile/murderxbryan.bsky.social  Guys is on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/guys.pod Guys has a Post Office Box now! PO Box 10769 Columbus Ohio 43201

Hey, welcome to guys. The podcast about guys. I'm Brian. I'm, I'm fucking going crazy over here, ranting and raving. And, uh and that's my rant really to tell you the truth I don't know how to do it. Yeah, a couple days ago. I don't even know how to be alone on Mike Yeah, you need somebody to bounce stuff off of you're not that classic cuz of course like Bill burr He does the Monday morning podcast where he does his rent You need to be able to rant a little bit if you want you you got to. Okay, you gotta go like this. You gotta be like this kind of thing here. Let me soundboard You can see him just straight. Yeah, fine the right here. You got to do this With a whale skin up caps and all leather cow interior and big brown babies seal eyes for headlights Yeah, and I'm gonna drive around on that baby at 115 miles per hour getting one mile per gallon

Sucking out for the kind of cheeseburgers McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers And when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right on the side play I'm up with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers play So that used to be my favorite thing about 30 seconds to realize that wasn't like the theme song for the show It's gonna be now it will be now we have as a guest this week Maddie wiener hi Maddie I think you're having me now. Sorry. I played Dennis Leary like right away I just that used to be

The funniest thing I'd ever heard in my need to and I'm sorry to admit it But when I was a child like an actual child when I was like 10 years old or something I remember hearing that and I was like, holy shit This is the this is the funniest thing in the history of the world. And then I found out later on, I guess, he stole it from noted masturbator Louis CK. But the whole bit is just stolen from him, apparently, I guess. But anyways.

So this week, we had to bring a stand-up comedian on, because neither me or Chris are one. No, I'm not allowed to say it. But yeah, I'm not either one of us one of us. We're both podcasters. So what we wanted to do is rant guys because I have this. There's a thing with me that I cannot stand rants like they make me crazy at this age. I don't know what it is. You know what I mean? Like I said, I like that Dennis Leary thing. I thought that was the funniest thing in the world in 1996.

You got an issue with rants. I got an idea for outlet of how you could let people know about that. Yeah, Maddie, are you, are you a stat? You're, you're, I've, I've watched some of your standup comedy and I didn't see any heavy duty rants in there. Have you ever have you ever done that throughout your career? How do you feel about rant style comedy? I like it. I like watching it. I do think maybe it is specifically rant guys because like the conviction that you have to have to go on a rant is like beaten out of you as a woman. You know what I mean? That makes sense. I? Yeah, that makes sense. I'd be like, but also maybe this is totally wrong. And like, I don't know. You can I'll

walk into the ocean if I'm being done right now. No, I think it is because I can't. I can't first of all think of a lot of women that do them and I can imagine the sort of like reaction to that would be not the same as when you know a guy and what you said at the beginning is is so that the conviction of like I'm right everybody else is fucking wrong and everybody needs to hear this. I think is the combination of things that make you nuts

about right, but I do like that kind of guy. That is very fun Like I love like a like borderline Asperger's dialed in. Here's my manifesto That yeah, well, I thought that heavy you're gonna have a good time today I'm guessing then because I think we are gonna meet a lot of people like that I think that I'm thinking like I mentioned bill burr, he seems to be the sort of like number one top rant comedian, the guy who you kind of want to get to, like the level you want to get to. And he's very good. And obviously he's so

funny and just like has that ability to craft, you know, good ideas as well. But Chris, there are jokes in the rants I think the thing I'm getting at is like there are a lot of rant Comedians who think that the rant is the joke like that's enough there doesn't have to be anything funny in that Yeah, just like isn't it funny I'm standing up here saying all this stuff like that thing we played at the beginning where he's like With whale skin hubcaps and all leather cow interior like that kind of thing That's not like funny. It's not a joke. There's no joke to it

It's like and a lot of it does have to do with I remember when I used to do stand-up comedy and try the words Don't you're you never did it? Yeah, and when I used to tread the boards that I would go around sometimes it would be like I would you would notice Sometimes that I guess some comedians would, they recognize that if you do it in a certain way then people will applaud at the end because they can't help but do it. It's like human nature that if you sort of like

da da da da da da da da da da da, then it's just like, oh yeah, okay, I guess I'm supposed to clap here. And that is sort of an effective way to make it seem like everybody's really into your shit And I remember when I was a I was like, oh those guys they're not like here like me man I'm like I'm doing real stuff and I would really judge those people heavily as open mic comedian myself who is absolutely terrible

So not all rant guys are comedians. Some guys just in life are rant guys. You know what I mean? I've encountered them before where it's like just like often there are a guy that would say I should be a comedian. Oh, you know what I mean? Like I should I should be a comedian because I have all these crazy like my father-in-law used to be like you should have me on your podcast. Well, it used to be like, you should have me on your podcast. Well, we should have him on the podcast. He lives in a chicken coop, and so we should have him on.

He shits in a bucket. He thinks the world's going to end in about one to two months, and we should have him on the podcast. So I think he has a point there. That's not a good example. That's such a funny cherry picking to have modern technology has been like, I don't like toilets, but I would like a sure Mike. I would like to podcast him. Yeah. He just, they're the funniest kind of preppers because they're like 72. It's like, yeah, you're going to be great for you. Everything's going

great for you. So I went to our slash rant, which by the way, no politics on there. They're not allowed to do that. Wow. Seriously at the top of the page. It says no politics. I would imagine it just like, yeah, that it became all that. Right. And they had to, they're like, no, no, there's a politics subreddit. We want, we want, we're here for the rants, you know, the actual. The funny thing is there is r slash rant, no politics. And then there is r slash rants,

which is mostly complaining about being kicked out of r slash rant for doing politics. That's the two rant subreddits. Have you ever been on r slash hobby drama? I haven't. No, I mean, that would be perfect for this show for sure. Oh, yeah. It kind of sounds like this, but it's just specifically really intense drama in very niche, irrelevant communities. And like, discourse about getting kicked off of r slash rants is right. I love that shirt dude. That's that's that's me. That's all that we talk about basically.

So that's right up our alley. Let's check. I and I don't have a lot of comments for all these things, but here's the first rant that we have. You can't even buy regular blinds now. Wait a second, yeah you can, yeah you can. I don't know about that Chris. I'm calling bullshit on this, you can. Maybe not in woke America. Within the last year I bought regular blinds. Sorry, I know this is a little bit of a left turn, but this is a mini rant that I have that I hate, it's people who say these these days and it's like, you know,

You're noticing something that's happened for all of human history for the first time But just notice it now you think it's like a modern problem. It will be like, oh people really lie these days What do you think happened in like the chronology of history that oh now people lie You're just noticing a universal thing for the first time. Yeah. So I mean, sorry. You ran it there. That's cool, though. That's totally in this episode. Listen, folks, if you're not OK with that, too, hey, go tune in to some other show. Conan O'Brien's podcast.

We're going to be doing some rants this fucking show. Why don't you go watch fucking Friends? And here's my biggest issue with the celebrities doing their podcast too. Hey, you got the TV shows. You got the movies. You got all of that stuff. Hey, this is all we got Conan O'Brien. Why do you got to come take this shit over? Amy Poehler. She's I went to buy some blinds today.

Just regular blinds. I hate the cordless ones because they always eventually get stuck on one side and then they hang to one side or Open unevenly then I found out that corded blinds are now illegal because they quote pose a strangulation hazard to children That's not that can't be true Canadian thing because we don't have them. And she got the person, it's some dude online. So it is a dude. He goes, what the fuck?

How dumb are some people's kids? I'm sorry, but if you get yourself strangled by blinds, that's a much needed natural selection. That's the best too. It's like using that, like think about it in, in like theory, you can talk about that and whatever, like oh that's natural selection. But you were talking about a toddler strangling itself on some blinds and dying from strangulation and you're like it's called natural selection doofus.

Like what the hell? That's a child. Natural selection was when you evolved like the environment, we didn't have courted blinds. Yeah, no that's not, that's unnatural selection. Definitely. Good point. We can't be passing on those genes to the next generation. That's how we end up with idiocracy in real life. Oh, wait a second. It's a documentary. Have you heard, seen that documentary, Maddie?

That's not actually a fiction. I've heard of it, but I haven't seen it. Oh, it's a documentary. Oh, it's a documentary. You should watch it. It's actually Phil It's you it might you might think it's a movie, but it's actually In documentary. Yeah, so that's the first rant then we go to the next ran on our slash rant this one This one is a classic reddit guy And the title you're gonna hear and you're gonna be like,

oh I'm so sick of subsidizing my roommate's grocery bill then having him eat more than his share marking it as mine means nothing. Okay hang on I just want to say if this is true to what he's saying this is he's he's right if you know that's that's annoying if you live with a roommate and they're eating all of your food and you're buying it, that is annoying. So I am I'm on this guy's side to start. I would have a conversation. Oh, you're saying you wouldn't go post it online. I wouldn't go post on our brand. Yeah, I would go talk to them like he's right to be upset about it. But you're right. A normal human being thing to do is just be like, hey you can't eat my food like subsidizing my roommates grocery

bill then having them eat more than a share marking food is mine means nothing it started slow it wasn't everything then it was more and more now there's this snooze you lose attitude when it comes to any snacks or desserts in the kitchen putting my name on things are going so far as to mention I plan to have something or take it with me for lunch means nothing The person I live with is fat selfish asshole who has no respect for anyone else took me a while to figure this out Maybe I was a bit blind of my nostalgia or how I remember them when we lived together when we were in our 20s I hate to say it, but this is just the straw that broke the camel

That's the wrong. That's not I guess breaking the camel. Yeah You know, I kind of hate the guy now. He's really into conspiracy theories definitely voted for turnip head both way for who? turnip head Who is that you guys? Is that Trump? I guess it's Trump Who is that? You guys are that Trump? I guess it's Trump. Yes. How he's getting around the no politics rule. So he doesn't get flagged with Trump. Yeah, he's using he's using like a Greaseman style. He's old radio host. He says he's using a turn up head because that's nobody has ever said it. Yeah, exactly. And it's like, it kind of sounds like Trump turn up.

Right. So it's like, yeah, kind of figure it out. But it's not a one that's used. Even if you said orange, whatever, mango, Mussolini, that would probably get you blocked as well. That is what he's, he, you see this a lot on blue sky. Now, if you go on there, it's like a guys, first of all, there's, there's Elmo for Elon Musk, right? That's cause they don't want to say the guy's name. And now there's Elmo, E-L-N-O, like as in Helmo, I've seen. Yeah. I'm gonna start calling it, yeah, Helno, or what's one

for Musk that you could say? Britecrisp. Munch. Butt Munch. Yeah but yeah, yeah. It's so like hell no. But much is my name for Elon Musk. It's hell no. But the best Trump won. The best Trump won is TFG.

And a lot of them use it. Do you know that one? No, I don't. Friendly giant. That fucking guy. They don't want to say his name. They don't want to say a nickname. They don't want to say a nickname Voldemort dude like Conversation about fashion, you know what I mean like and they're like turnip head

Like what Charlie Chaplin like what are we talking about? Schittler I know there were guys saying Schittler back then hey Over there. Oh you mean you all you mean idiot Schittler. Yeah He's a broke fuck sells weed still and gets upset when people go to dispensaries for actually fresh bud By the way his roommate sounds like an absolute Fucking dude just sits around all day selling weed and complaining because yeah, you can't really sell weed anymore It's legal you can buy it at the store and he's just sitting there complaining about it, refuses to improve his own life. And he's just openly eating all of this guy's cake and shit.

That's what's funny. And the thing about like, he could sell mushrooms. Like that's a thing that the weed guys have all kind of moved on to mushrooms and acid anyway. And I think there's more of a market for both of those up there, but not down here anywhere They're not legal technically, but they're gray market enough that there's mushroom stores here in Vancouver So yeah, you can't really like although yeah I I suppose you still can because I still order my weed and mushrooms from a not a legal place because the prices are just So much better and they deliver it to my house and they're nice and I've been using them for a long time. So yeah,

I think there might still be a market if this guy was enterprising and and figured that out. But I don't think he sounds like he is. I love this rips me off any chance he can get it hits me up for money all the time. I need to just get a mini fridge and a fucking lock for it. Start splitting the bills with my thumb on the scale Maybe if he's maybe if he's got a fuck him attitude with me. It's only fair to treat him the same I miss living with just my pets. They make for better conversations. Anyway, I mean This is a shitty ass fucking thing because it's like this grown man Who's older and doesn't want to be living with roommates, but like the

Financial situation in America or in his life is like forced him to live with this absolute fucking monster Who is yeah who he like I guess used to know when they were younger This sounds like a really negative situation Brian have you ever had like if I moved? Yes I have had a roommate that I didn't get along with and so I would imagine that your that roommate probably had a set would have Been able to do a similar pose to this Okay I'm not the bad guy ever Maddie

Are you I mean you live in New York City. I live in Vancouver, so New York City is roommate central. Have you ever in your entire life had a roommate at this level of bad? I've had more of the opposite thing, which I hope I wasn't the guy, but like a roommate that was like, we need to like, clean like the baseboard like scrub the baseboard. This feels like kind of like evil stepmother shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Like worse than when you're growing up. Like now you're doing more chores than when you were growing up.

I guess when I lived in that apartment with my friend Zane, who might even listen to the show, I did. Hey, shout out Zane. How you doing, Zane who might even listen to the show. I did shout out Zane. How you doing? I only made like four 50 an hour and I needed some of that money for acid. So like I didn't really pay much rent. Like he paid most of it. And then I always had people over at the house and we were always partying all night and being super loud and like standing in the breezeway and peeing outside and yelling and doing acid until like five in the morning and waving at people on their way to work

after we kept them up all night. I mean acid gets you high notoriously for a really long time. So unless you're taking it in the morning, then you're gonna be high until the late hour. That's why we did it, because we were broke. We couldn't have yeah, we eat is expensive Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I hear you five dollars for ten hours of fun. It you know what I mean? It really was the most that's like mushrooms and as we're all was that kind of stuff that would get you high for so long

Was always your best value? Definitely this guy so a guy goes, can you lock your stuff up? He won't stop unless he literally cannot access your food. I've had this experience with my father. That might be Gwen, actually, to tell you the truth, because she does hide snacks in her room. From you.

Could be, yes, of course. But Gwen, does Gwen live there? I thought Gwen is. But when she did does like between Semesters and stuff. Yes, she hides food in a room candy, but then the guy goes that's my next step I already started keeping a snack stash a while back I need to get a mini fridge next weekend in a fridge lock So then the guy replies it goes glad to hear you'll be taking that step

I'm literally typing this from a room with my own snack stash. And the reason I wanted to read this is the next post from the OP, the original poster said, the worst is the bed crumbs. Although I do change my sheets way more than usual because of it. I'm not a slob. I just eat like one. So this guy is eating in his bedroom in bed and getting crumbs all over the place instead of locking just the

food in the bedroom. He is he afraid the guy's going to well he's eating it. Come up and grab it out of his head. I do. It would be so great you get a padlock and a mini fridge and you come home with a block is just broken and he's just sitting there eating her food like that's how I picture this is like as like sort of a like yeah I pictured as a movie situation and this guy is like a real villain the other guy I also like that that this guy goes I would straight-up eat that shit while he washed and salivated and The guy goes like but that's normal. You should be able to Watches like your roommates with him if you have to eat and he's out in the common area It's not like you're all man. I'm look at this'm eating my lunch in front. Like, no, you're just eating your life. Yeah. Well, the guy

got the last two mini fridge. Don't keep as cold sometimes. So another option is a lock box box you keep inside the kitchen fridge. Opie replies and goes, that would make him flip out almost worth it. So that's why I like the OP is like now he's trying to start an actual fight instead of saying why eat my food all the time, dude? Maybe he has to say maybe he has said it doesn't seem like he has but maybe he said it to him and in his defense and then the guy's just ignores it completely because this guy's like a true degenerate and that I would

say you got to find it. Maybe it's's important but you just find another place to live with another different roommate I would say right like why is why is he not even floating that is an idea to leave he's like I'm gonna buy a lock and I'm eating in my bed yeah you like your hate your life you hate him go find a different living situation all right lockers I said the lock is so funny too because what did you guys walk into the kitchen at the same time? You open the lock he gets his food and the guy's like, oh let me get in there and he goes no shit Yeah, he comes in well, yeah, that's in the fridge You have a lock box and then you're opening it up and he like sees the stuff in there's a oh

Was it what he got in there like, you know, there's a whole was it what do you got in there? Like you know he's like oh shit this guy's so afraid of confrontation. He's like sure Yeah, I have any and it goes in his room and starts posting on reddit. Yeah, yeah So I need a lock box inside my lock box. It seems like Let's go to one of our groups here And check out a rant by one of our guys from the path. This is a rant. I hate being a single guy. This is from our swingers. Maddie, do you know anything about this pineapple community? This like a community?

You know, I've recently learned about this because my friend was wearing a pineapple shirt and kept getting approached and he was like, what is the one? That's an accident. You do not wanna get, cause people will like- And he was like, I just like pineapples. Yeah, no you don't. No you don't anymore, unfortunately.

Not in today's America, you can't just like pineapples. It's actually technically upside down pineapple is like the real signifier for the lifestyle, but nowadays it's so prevalent that they'll take it, you know, but yeah, it's basically swingers. And the main thing is they hate single guys are real issue in the community at the clubs. As you can imagine, they're a real problem and they have to create different sets of rules and pricing and everything for them. That's like sliced pineapple. They're really, really, really considered like monsters or like, what's the right word?

I mean like rats or something. Parasites. Like an infestation. Yeah, parasites. It's like an infestation when they show up. Like Maddie, sometimes they'll have them line up outside and say say there's too many single guys in here already You guys gotta go and just send the people home and then the other times what they'll do which I love this is right They charge couples $20 to get in and they charge single guys $100

That's my favorite thing that they do So mad about it. It's like dude. You're a problem. Yeah, it's on a side so mad about it. Yeah, and it's like dude, you're a problem Yeah, if you want a problem, then it would like it's your community We need to get to you need to get together as a community and see why it is They feel the need to charge you a hundred dollars. You're not being airy. Yeah Staring and whacking off all the time That's cuz what that's what I believe they do they cuz they put them in like a little pin in the club, and then the couples can come in the pin and be like, you can come with me.

And then they'll take them back to the playroom, but then they get back to the playroom. If the couple's ready to leave, single guy's gotta leave too. They're like, you gotta get out of there. That's at the same time, they have someone that shoes them out. They're not even allowed to stay in the playroom

unless their couple is with them. It's like they're guardian or whatever. And it really is like, the way they talk, couple is with them like it's like their guardian or whatever and and they it really is like the way they taught we we used to joke about it and none of the jokes we could make ever rivaled what the like real feelings are how negative the feelings are in the community for them potluck and not bringing any food yes. Or bringing less than no food. Yes. It was a way to bring like you're you're coming in and you're like, yeah, you're like you're

you're doing something nasty to other people's food to make it so they can't eat it. Yeah. That is a good analogy though. We're showing up to a potluck with no food and just expect it because by the way, a single woman is not considered bad. It's quite the opposite. That's known as a unicorn, and they're like the best thing in the whole community. So. And the single guys sometimes get mad about that dichotomy,

but it's like, come on, man. It's, you know. There's a reason for that. And, but yeah, what a single guy is trying to become is a bull, basically. And the bull is somebody who regularly has sex with a hot wife in a cock-hold type situation. Okay so he goes rant I hate being a single guy once I'm in the local club it's fine

there's no judgment but having to apply every time and fill out a questionnaire is annoying yeah well they have to make sure that you're you know one of the good ones, you know, so they, they make you do like some skill testing questions of like, are you extremely horny right now? Yeah. How horny are you scale of one to 10? And if you're over 8.5, they don't let you in. Uh, watching the club post messages about how they're almost sold out, buy your tickets now while you're still waiting for them to reply. And then they do respond a week later and it's sold out. Hey, the awkwardness of asking to play when you can only bring half to the table the difficulty even getting a response on

websites. I'm happily married, but my wife is asexual the lifestyle that is That feels like a strategy that feels like a single guy strategy. That's all I'm saying Yeah, they and just to be clear Maddie that might not be true. They say that they'll often say like They're on I'm just on the phone with my wife. Oh, honey. I'll be home later on like as they're entering the club But they they're just single guys at the end Have this way that they could get in where they bring up photo of a woman and say this is my wife She died and she always wanted me to go to a swinger club, but I'm not a single guy

I'm a widower and she wants to watch me make love to a woman So we're gonna put her the photograph of her on the wall while I make Her final words were get your dick sucked in Berlin Crazy to be single and jump from like being in a relationship Skip over being in a relationship and just fucking up someone else's relationship. It's weird. It's weird to go. It is. I understand. I've always said this. I understand the single guy impulse, right? Where it's like, okay, I'm probably not having much luck at the clubs because again, I'm not having luck at the clubs. Maybe I'm not like

the most charming guy or whatever. Where is a place I could go to get maximum sex? And the first thing they think is the, the swinger clubs, but the swinger clubs are full of couples and, you know, you get five single guys that fucks the ratio up. You know what I mean? They're single guys that are, that have people like, you have to just be like this complete hunk, right? Like there's just like person who is just like such a hunk cuz that's what it is There's so many of them to pick from that it that only the real upper echelon are getting picked He goes, I like to hang out meet people have fun and see my sexual needs

It's the perfect solution and the people I've met and played with agreed that it works and have no issue But getting your foot in a door as a single guy is so damn. They'll do that. They'll stick their foot right in there. And then they try to close it. They're like, nice try. Oh, the elevator's about to go and you're like, no. All their friends are behind them. It's just one. And it's just like this huge fucking group.

Sometimes it makes me want to throw it all in, but the times it has worked have made such a difference in my mental health, made me feel sexy again. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just frustrated. That's nice. I'll be honest. Hey, shut out. I mean, that's what people are looking for.

It just sounds like you're doing it in the wrong way if it's like like, you're like, Oh, I'm, it's so nice when it does work. It works so infrequently and I'm, I'm dealing with, I'm debasing myself and you know, constantly it just feeling so insecure. Always. Maybe there's a better method to do it than, well, I'll say this. I'll say the Charlotte sluts responded to him. Okay. Let's see what Charlotte said. Charlotte Sluts, if you want the experience to be better for single guys, then I would advise you to take initiative to help other single guys. And I say this was zero sarcasm or attitude, but seriously, help the other guys who just don't seem to get it.

Post about what has worked for you. Post guidance for them. Talk to them. Engage them. It gets exhausting for couples and single females to have to do it all the time And I know there are other posts about how single guys act but become a champion for us couples be an ally for us Because dealing with some of the knuckleheads is just fucking exhausting It's always some mixture of either not reading our posts not respecting the husband or or thinking your rippling cum gutters and dick pic

are going to send her over the moon. Yeah, I mean, that's tremendous advice, and that's a really nice little rant, I feel like. Yeah, that's a beautiful little rant. Prediction he's gonna come back and be like, fuck you, whore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, MC, you guys have issues, too, to rant about. Yeah, Marvel's in that. We've covered MC, you guys have issues to rant about

Yeah, Marvel covered MC you guys in the past they are weird They're not weird Simpsons guys, but they're still very strange Rant mode activated. Yes. Yep. That's what it says. That's I was hoping that yeah Sometimes I'll activate my rant mode and then look out searching ramp mode activated or engaged on Reddit is high level good Of course these guys use it because they all think they're like fucking Tony Stark or whatever

Iron man is just capitalist propaganda. Oh, well actually speak of speak of the devil. Wow He's right. Yeah But yeah, okay sit down buckle up throw some rage against machine or I don't know Grimes if you're feeling ironic Brian Brian Brian stop I'm not I can't putting put on some grimes if you're feeling Ironic at the beginning of your rant. It might be a bit too far for me I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to listen to this whole thing. What I have to be audio posts

That has to be we have to change the rules that subreddit to you have to have a voice Mode activated rules that subreddit to you have to have a voice of remote activated. And you're feeling ironic. I read my way. Actually, on a recent on a recent bonus episode, we were reading positive reviews for cards against humanity. And the guy is saying like, you know, if you like workaholics or like South Park or the Simpsons. You'll love

this game. And then he goes, if you don't like those, why don't you go back home and watch friends? And it was just such a fucking line that killed me and stuck in my head. So anyway, he goes, because I need to vent about why Iron Man is literally just Ted talk propaganda and a mech suit. So let's talk about Tony quote. I monetize global instability. Stark. The guy has a weapons dealer y'all. Like he made billion selling destruction and destabilizing the global South.

And the second he gets a little shrapnel in his chest, he has a panic attack in a cave. Suddenly he's the second coming. Spare me. That's not redemption. That's a PR rebrand. I think this guy's having some trouble understanding. It's a movie Like this didn't happen He didn't do it. You could just be like he didn't do any of those things Yeah, that's like the Batman thing where they're like, why doesn't Batman? You know use his money to fucking

Whatever to help the homeless it's because it's the homeless. It's because it's a Batman. It's a it's a movie. He's Batman. He beats up bad guys. That's the point of the thing. And don't give me that. He changed speech. Did he dismantle the military industrial complex? Did he advocate for disarmament? No. So this is also a movie.

I love the thing where it's like they should have taken some time in the movie for him to dis disarm the military Advocacy like some advocacy and stuff like that. Like I never saw him out like at any protests or You know anything like that. No, no He goes he privatized world peace the actual quote is I have successfully Privatized world peace and the Senate just collapsed. Are you kidding me? This man basically said what if Jeff Bezos had personal nuke suit no accountability and y'all build a shrine Who built this right?

Oh in the movie they do or the people watching the movie built a shrine to the movie they do? Or are the people watching the movie both a side of the character? Who is he talking about now? It really feels like this person is having trouble distinguishing what's real and what isn't. You know what I mean? And it's basically writing a whole other movie in their minds.

It sounds so boring. I know, it sounds like the worst movie you've ever seen really it sounds like something hey sorry to get you know but this sounds like one of the new MC something they'd put out nowadays on their new stuff sorry to go Mike zero on you yeah very well do you know Mike zero Maddie 18 people well, he's very Road than us. It's very Actually, he's just a guy that is mad because Marvel's woke and so why there is He's one of Brian's favorite YouTube creators. You should go watch a video of his I Can yell that when I play him? Let's be real Iron Man's capitalism's final form unchecked power infinite money No oversight in a god complex with holograms the UN the government

Nah, let's let the guy with daddy issues in a Roomba army decide what justice looks like Oh fuck off Brian. You know this guy this guy is another guy. He wants to be writing for a publication He wants to be writing set for something. He wants to be writing for something he wants. This is a showcase of his work more than anything. You know, the good daddy issues in a room. But army like he's really he really thinks he's saying a thing here that people are going to enjoy. He's Dennis Leary in right now.

Yeah, he's I think in his mind When we finish reading this everybody claps, you know, I mean like stay in his mind He's at the fucking he's at the fucking table at what's the comedy club that they sit at the table? The comedy seller he's at the table he's fucking late He's riffing with Robert Kelly and just fucking laying the shit down right now. It is fine. Jim Norton stands up and is just like, that was... Oh, I love that. Anthony Kumia tries to sneak in and security beats the shit out of him. We hate Anthony.

We hate... Hey, we're one of the few podcasts around that is not a big fan a big fan of Anthony Koumea from L. P. Anthony podcast or radio Show and I am Iron Man. That's not empowering. That's a narcissist refusing to pass the mic Refusing to pass the mic you're on our slash rants. Yeah No, actually, they're not. They're on just the Marvel Cinematic Universe. They even worse than being on our slash rights because you're doing a fucking rant that nobody wants. Like nobody's asking for this, you know, easy.

And I am Iron Man. That's not empowering. That's a narcissist refusing to pass the mic. It's not the Avengers. It's the Stark cinematic universe featuring everyone else time travel His tech Ultron his fault Peter Parker's therapy bills also his fault Marvel gave Wakanda a collective sustainable anti-colonial utopia one movie Meanwhile Tony gets an origin story to mid sequels a redemption arc a death arc a post death arc and like 40 cameos

Coincidence or did capitalism cook? Wait, wait. Well, yeah, it's made by the Disney Corporation The billion dollar Disney Corporation, do you really think that you like this is this some sort of surprising revelation? Yeah Like, is this some sort of surprising revelation? Or it's just like, yeah. They- And these are movies that are like exclusively governed by no principle other than like what will sell tickets. Yes, exactly. Exactly. America.

So any of the woke stuff that they put in there that you get all angry about, like the right wing people get angry about, maybe a guy like, I don't know what this guy is. This guy seems like he has progressive politics, but yeah, all that stuff is like, oh, this guy seems like he has progressive politics, but yeah, all that stuff is like, Oh, this, this guy, I agree with this guy and hate his guts is the thing. Yeah, he's, he's right. But just the idea in this guy's head that like Disney should be doing, you know, a little

bit more for like anti-colonialism and stuff like that. It's like, yeah, no, they just, they put it progressive stuff in movies because they think it will sell tickets. That's why they do it. That's the reason why they do it. At the end of the day, that's the reason why they do every single thing. Next, we're almost there. He goes, and y'all are still buying it, but he sacrificed himself. Okay. But first the emotionally manipulated Spider-Man into becoming his legacy project installed a surveillance AI to keep tabs on him and they dip That's not sacrifice. That's brand continuity Tony Stark isn't a hero

He's an allegory for how late-stage capitalism creates the fire sells you the hose then charges you a monthly free fee to use it He's Elon Musk with better one-liners a tech bro fever. I haven't heard that before Elon Musk with better one-liners a tech bro fever. I haven't heard that before Oh, oh, sorry, do you mean hell no? Hell no, but munch that's what I call them all the time, but I have noticed that I Have you noticed that I mean I have noticed that myself that hey, Tony, this guy Elon Musk or hell no Butt Munch as I call him is basically like... Hell no Butt Munch is going to become a thing. We're going to have a hell no Butt Munch sticker in the next round.

Hell no Butt Munch. This guy is basically like Tony Stark, you know? But wait, did he say without the... Who doesn't have the one liners? Hell no or... He's Elon Musk with better one-liners I don't know about that. Elon's got a pretty good line. He's pretty cool memes He goes a tech bro fever dream the gilded cage just has Jarvis voice control in a HUD

This it's and simply it's freedom Iron Man didn't save the world He franchised the apocalypse Mike drop logs off Stairs at the ceiling thinking about Wakanda forever if you want a real hero find someone who doesn't profit from their power But go ahead tell me how he grew as a person Mike job Maddie and I both put our Head in shock and backed away from the camera. When he said mic drop. Yeah, he said mic drop.

That's a cool thing. That's, have you ever seen a real mic drop in real life, Maddie? I've never seen an earned one. No, but have you seen somebody do a real? Yeah. I actually have. Oh my God, I actually have. And it was.

I can't stand it. But typing it out again, this has to be an audio note. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Email this guy and be like, I'm blind. But my friends have told me that you're a genius. I need. Maddie, there's a guy. There's there's a guy on our bonus content that is a Yelp reviewer. And Chris hates his guts because that's how he writes. Like he doesn't write like rant style.

He writes like flowery, like English prose and stuff like that. When he's like reviewing a place that paints cars. And like we always talk about how like there's these guys man they want to be doing something artistic you know what I mean they want and and their their outlet is like Quora or something like that and you're like yeah that's what that's what this guy is he's another one of those and they're my least favorite yeah that are like writing it with the idea that there's going to be an audience reading and appreciating the writing not not not even not the content of it but the writing and like the turns

of phrases and stuff like that they're writing it as if they are like a writer for a magazine and it really really annoys me because there's a in most cases there's a reason why they are not a writer for a magazine and have've not in fact gotten that job. Well, probably one of the reasons is they're fucking annoying would be my guess Here's a here's one from the tool website or the tool of the band the band. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah time signal is everything we We love two guys Yeah, it's gonna be oh my god If you're Android this comic Andrew Durso has an incredible joke about Tool where he said, he posted on Instagram,

so I think I can retell it, but he was like, he said every fan of Tool feels like they can represent themselves in a court of law. Well, this one, I didn't know anything about Tool fans, till we did the Tool Guys episode, but that's what we learned. These are a lot of guys who are, you know, their, their music listening experiences

may be a little bit different than yours. Perhaps a little bit more high level. Andrew Durs is joking. But yeah, that's so I'm about to throw you guys like one of the wildest. You're not expecting what this is about as long as a rant about ticket prices, unpopular That's all I'm gonna say. Rant about ticket prices. Unpopular opinion though. I don't know, it helped me reconcile. Hopefully it helps y'all in some way. Man, we gotta get ahold of this negativity

around these ticket prices. I've never been to a show, but I hope to, just once. It may not happen though. However, if I do go to a show and spend 800 bucks to just get in the door, nobody told me to file into the building packed like sardines with a bunch of other humans to sit and watch a spectacle they've been at this for over 30 years fuck they did it took a break and did it again now the ticket prices did fuck me up at first and then it

started to affect my relationship with the music I can't let that happen So I see it as a lesson whether or not you that's really what it is I think for your think for yourself question authority even if that means saying fucking $800 ticket and making a conscious decision not to go see your favorite band Drawing your own line because nobody told you to care. So he's basically saying like Because nobody told you to care so he's basically saying like Hey, if it's too expensive for you, don't go to the fucking concert, but don't know what I mean Complain about the band like listen they've been doing it for 30 years You know what that means? Yeah, they

Deserve all of your money for playing a worse version of all of their songs. All right. I mean, that is that is that that type of a guy who's I mean, that's a contrarian as well. I think that's like a very specific type of guy. Everyone's complaining about it. And he comes in. He's just like, yeah, enough of this, guys. Like, I'm going to take the other side of this.

They should charge me a thousand dollars for a back row ticket. Let's switch gears We are gonna get to more rants from our guys. We got a good one from our slash feet Okay, so but I wanted to do some reviews on some books of some famous ranters actually and this is a book called Dennis Miller, the rants. Oh, I love Miller. I love Dennis Miller and his rent. I had the Dennis Miller doll that I bought on eBay and it broke, but it was working for a while. And it said like some of the most racist jokes that I ever heard. It had one in it. It was like very racist. And anyways, it was a pretty cool doll that I had in my possession for a while.

Well this person bought the book and it was a four star out of five. I don't know how you get, don't give it five. You know, this is the man. I love this review by the way. Dennis Miller is a funny guy, grading and pompous to be sure but lobbing his bread of irreverent humor around to keep his fans amused After reading this book the rants I tend to think he's funnier in person than as a writer Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong that you will hear a lot Because that's how Dennis Miller ends his rant. That's just my opinion. I could be wrong. So in these reviews, you will hear that's just my opinion.

You will be wrong on pretty much all of them. That's very cool. But and also by the way, that's not even just your opinion. I will go out on a limb here and say that is objective truth that comedy in this way is funnier to hear it Someone say it versus reading it yourself. It's always gonna be funnier I think the problem I have with this book is the tendency to throw out names that draw blank with me I don't know who some of his foils are I get that

This is I'm pretty uneducated I don't really know a lot of references to any things that he's talking about That's part of it with him, isn't it? Yeah, like a lot bootrose golly. Yeah, he would always do those like Yeah, you would do those ridiculous names and whatever I get the comedic reference when I recognize the name and the humor is there But if I don't know who he's talking about the joke falls as flat as barney fife's abs. That was a millerism That he made his own up. They're doing Yeah, this guy's doing oh brian

I never thought of that that of course the people who are like buying the denis miller rant book thought of that, that of course the people who are like buying the Dennis Miller rant book are also in their reviews going to do their own Dennis Miller style jokes. Wow, that really is a type of guy. That's crazy. And that's not a good one, by the way. Flatter than Don Knot's abs. Barney Fife. Barney Fife, sorry. Is Barney F Barney five Don knots though. I think it's You can't you gotta say doc. Well, I guess Dennis Miller probably probably would say Don not he would say Don knots He wouldn't use the character. I don't think but he would never make it That's a really like saying they're as flat as his I don't under but like is that I don't it's really it's really bad to

Have flat abs It's not even that good of a roast and it just doesn't even really work that. But I guess, Hey, that's why he's reading the book and not writing it. Uh, I Miller rants on a wide variety of subjects. 43 topics are listed in the content section and almost anything that could be considered controversial. Fortunately the chapters chapters are sort or the book would be longer than the Robert Robertson's beard Another oh that's from duck

This is Brian this is baby you did say sort instead of short by the way, but whatever we don't call We only call out significance now. So but yeah D the idea of throwing in these these little jokes in the it's just fucking genius is beautiful but it's an easy read if you don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out who he's talking about a lot of the time and funny it really is I particularly enjoy his lists what women want from men, suggestions for moving into the 21st century. This book was copyrighted in 1996. Recommendations to save the planet and what men want from women. Some of the topics are rather

dated but others will be debated forever. If someone was to sit down and list the things that tick them off, Miller has probably hit on it. Although Miller can be irreverent in some of his comments, he is surprisingly pragmatic about things like abortion, sexual harassment, gay rights, racial relations, and other topics, seemingly made for snide rejoinders. So he obviously put some thought into his views before he applies the skewer. I enjoyed the book very much and that is Skylar T. Wallace, author of 10 lizard tales. Ah, put their own, but I see. So that was, so that's not so that, you know, that bread

person is a writer themselves. Definitely. They're good too. Don't tag it with your own credit. Yeah. Don't, don't lay down. Don't put your own Yeah, and and especially like on an Amazon review by the way, this is just an Amazon And don't need to be like I'm by the way, I'm a real doctor like it's not like oh I'm gonna take it more seriously cuz you're And by the way, you should tell me actually at the beginning of the review that you're a professional writer So then I know to read your words different, you know Jim Jim Pease says opinionated and very funny five stars of the review that you're a professional writer, so then I know to read your words different. You know? Like. Jim P says, opinionated and very funny five stars.

Dennis Miller Miller is a unique voice in American life and commentary, independent, willing to offend any and all who deserve it, frequently obscene and always incredibly funny. Even though these rants were written a few years ago and his references are somewhat now dated, the topics and opinions are as timely as ever That's so great using like four-year-old references a jet You're having to do that like I guess it wasn't as much like that back then as nowadays like stuff moves

So quickly now they were it's a psych. Oh like a hawk to oh, yeah the hawk to a girl Yeah, yeah, I remember, you know, you're having to do that all the time while you're reading his book Okay, so There's a famous in kind of the circle. I'm in online and stuff like that. There is a very famous rant You probably got to give our buddy Felix a little credit for bringing this up I think I don't know if it was him and me first, but there is a famous Dennis Leary rant about coffee flavored coffee on one of his old specials.

We're just gonna listen to a second of it, and then I'm gonna read the comments on the coffee-favored coffee thing. So, just to get an idea of a feel let me ask you this Is it impossible to get a cup of coffee flavored coffee anymore in this country What happened with coffee? Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee? Huh? You can get every other flavor except coffee flavored coffee They got mochaccino. They got chocochino frappuccuccino, cappuccino, rapuccino, alpacino, what the fuck?

Oh! Alpacino! And who would, and then Alpacino did that from Jack and Jill, the cappuccino commercial, the Dunkacino. Oh yeah, that's funny. If he updated it, maybe he could, he got Dunkacino with Alpacino, the the Dunkachino. Oh, yeah, that's funny if he updated it. Maybe he could you got No without you know, he could update it now for the yeah, that's okay Okay, this guy First off. Listen, I don't know man. I don't know what year was this

96 yeah, I believe so you could get coffee flavored coffee I think yeah, I think it would You could get coffee flavored coffee, I think. Yeah, I think that would always have a drip coffee like wherever you go, I think at all of the coffee places they would have just a regular coffee, but it just sort of goes to show that the rant doesn't have to be true. It just has to have the like passion for it and the emotion. He just has to have all those like babagino, but you know, and then it just still hits anyways. I think everyone in the crowd who's listening is like, I just had a coffee the other day.

But I just had one the other day. I can see where the world's going. Yeah, but they're like, but the larger messaging is true. We do have too many of these other flavors and stuff. And it is kind of, yeah, it is kind of like, it's something that a guy like me would definitely make fun of they're thinking I'm gonna hit play one more time here for a second, and then we'll read some comments

Early internet days when you can just say What the fuck calm and it gets a huge pop I'm gonna start saying that W W W what the fuck After you tell it like a joke that's like kind of like absurd you're like and then I'm like The idea that he hits like that's his rant and it he didn't make him he didn't say anything about the internet before right? That was just a little ending way to say like oh wait to say what the fuck right at the end Can we can you back it up and can I hear it again like in context with the last line? All right, here. We look can you hang on one second? You just paused it and he's like looking at the camera

He looks fucking deranged Movements to yeah Yeah, he's his mouth is moving all weird like he looks like he's I mean he looks I don't even know what his situation But he does he has a mannerisms of somebody who's on performance enhancers as well, which I don't know Yeah, the hair the hair hair also looks nuts to me. Yeah, the combed up like the bangs and the law and the sideburns. If you guys you guys got to see what I'm going to make in the picture from the episode, but the hair looks like it's not.

It looks like one piece. Yeah. And it looks like it looks like such square. Like it doesn't look like why is it combed down like that? You're gonna rant like that with that fucking dumb and dumber haircut? Like, he got to, it should be slicked back or some shit. Alright, here we go. www.whatthefuck.com!

Oh, oh, oh! Here he goes. the fuck.com. I walked into a Starbucks about a year ago, a little kid behind the counter, yeah give me a regular. Regular what? Coffee. But cloppy flavored. Wait. He's like, now he's got his fist up and he's gonna hit the kid. He's gonna hit the kid. But the kid's just doing his job. And he just means there's different. Just read the menu, you fucking piece of shit.

Look on the fucking wall on the menu and order off of it, you fucking idiot. Oh wait, and you know he's gonna say some shit about the sizes. Well here you go. Well. I'll stick that menu right up your ass, kid. What?

Menu coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup, that's all it needs. Maybe a saucer underneath the cup, that's it. How, this is the type of person who's like, listen, I understand that maybe on some level is like not all progress is good But this is like the idea that like we got all kind of different options now Yeah, we got all kind of different coffees we can drink There's these coffees are tasting better than they used to be tasting they know like it and he's angry about that

He wants the old shitty one choice coffee. That's all that he wants in his life It's a weird guy for sure. This guy goes. Let's try nearly 30 years later and this rant still slaps. Oh That's from two months ago two months ago First off Why are they still saying slaps? Why is the person first off? Why are they still saying slaps? What's your coffee flavor coffee video? I think he's probably a little behind the time Yeah, he might be a little bit. He might be a little bit chive the chive calendar for

Dennis Leary for Secretary of State Yeah, that's funny except for he fucking could he could get the job You know what? I mean, it's not even that crazy to think that they got that guy that wild Kennedy guy is doing You know, I mean that guy that guy picked up a whale carcass took it to his house He dropped off a bear at dead bear in Central Park Like he's a he's a real fucked up guy and I will say that dentistry is a lib and that's aside from the vaccines I was gonna say yeah dentistry is a lib. Yeah. Yeah very much though. Oh, okay, so Maybe not from Boston

Like that whole thing that like people are just libs there. Anyway, good. This person goes so true today It's all about giving coffee a different name so you can charge $8 a cup. WTF? .com. Yeah. .com? Yeah. .com?

Yeah. .com? .com? Yeah. .com? .com? .com? .com?

.com? .com? .com? .com? .com? .com?.com?.com?.com?.com? That's nice, that's nice. That's true, you're insane. It's good to have a laugh. So you know if you're bummed out having a bad day or whatever, there's always a coffee shop around. This guy goes, I don't even.

You're that guy, you walk into a coffee shop, you're like, ha ha ha, and they're like what? And you're like, oh, you call a medium something different. Oh yeah. Wait. We just laughed so loud, people stopped working. What does this coffee look like? You come in there laughing.

Where's the flavor that says coffee? Everybody stops and people are like, do you need help with something? Oh no, I was just noting all the different kinds of coffee. So this comes up later in the clip, but I'm going to read this comment anyway. Because it's funny with you guys not having context, this person goes, I don't even drink coffee and this makes me last my laugh my ass off and pull up your pants

Okay, you gotta pull up your pants it isn't even Duncan doughnuts anymore just Duncan this guy They still have the doughnuts here's a coffee guy Coffee is awesome. I love it regular, but also all the other tasty versions of it It's so awesome and I did get some reviews from Amazon of that special so We'll give you a little bit of that raving Larry of that raving leery this DVD doesn't need a review if you've seen Dennis shows locked and loaded and no cure for cancer and love them like you should you'll know you have to get this DVD 140 minutes of raving leery will get the adrenaline flowing whoa chill Hey Dennis chill that's too long

40 minutes that's two hours two hours 20. That's a that is That is an insane length of a first and up show I mean a normal special is gonna be 60 maybe 90 minutes maybe Trust me. In fact, there ought to be some kind of health warning on the box to prevent overexposure. After all, we don't want people going around shouting, pull up your pants and give me coffee flavored coffee. Do we or do we? I find only one fault with this DVD and that it's that there are no subtitles. Granted, you have to be pretty deaf not to hear what he's saying, but some people are. And if you're non native speaker of English you may have trouble too now go on and order it

You silly twats Fucking deaf tonight, you're a belittler. Yeah, I mean this is why it's so great. You're here Maddie This this review is you're gonna love this It's a five-star funny back then and still funny now I thought this was hilarious when I first heard the CD back in the early 90s loved it so much I bought the VHS tape and love that as well That's forward 15 years just bought the DVD and still love it listen all comedian steel material Just a fact of life in the business

Little original material now the late 90s and early 2000 used up all the shock material. No, it's true All of the good jokes, you know Pussy squirting and everything just all the good material was all taken in the 90s and 2000s and now Nothing's really going on In new and so it is kind of hard to get around to any of the good stuff. I Love the line all comedian steel material. That's fucking crazy It's beautiful. I used to steal material a lot. I used to it would be like it only in certain situations,

only in extenuating circumstances. If I saw a comedian's joke and I thought, well this person is not gonna be headlining, and I like this joke a lot. You're such an ass. Then I would take the joke and I'd go out on the road with it and I would monetize it I had somebody's I've said this many times. I had somebody steal a joke of mine when I did stand up and then

Just said that um She was really mean about it I was like a newer comic and she was she was like more established than I was and She was just like she literally said to me. I'm just gonna get it on TV first She said that to me. Can you imagine? Yeah, was it really it was really wild Yeah, she didn't she didn't get on she didn't get on TV first unfortunately But yeah, it was it was like a real like for me. I was like, oh so you're like

You're kind of a bad. You don't really care, you're really, you're just wanna be famous or whatever. You don't really care about even writing or making material. It was, yeah, it was, it does happen a lot, definitely. But it also, there is a lot of parallel thought, to defend this poster a little bit, there is with a thousand million comedians doing, a lot of them having a similar upbringing and a similar, you know, reference points and stuff.

There is a lot of parallel thought that happens nowadays. I guess same reason there are so many movie remakes. There's very little original material anymore. This guy thinks we ran out of stuff. The world is still happening. Yeah, I know. We're out everything. We've used it all, unfortunately. But new things are happening. Nope. The new things are the same as the old thing. Yeah. In some circumstances, but I think there are definitely

new things. I mean, Hey, you hear about this artificial intelligence for crying out loud. Has anyone turned on the radio lately? There's nothing original there either, but you have to admit some remakes are better than the original. There was never any. We cover radio a lot on this channel. That's like our beat. Yeah. We do like a shock jock. We have a thing called Shocktober. And so I can say for sure there was never anything original on radio. It is famously unoriginal. They would have actual services where they would get the same material and just play it across every radio station and do the same bits like the War of the Roses is the famous one and yeah so it's like famously not original and never has been.

If you like Dennis Leary style timing and delivery then you'll love No Cure for Cancer great for all performance. Yeah. If you like No Cure for Cancer. Yeah yeah yeah yeah that was a lot of it's about smoking where he's like a proud smoker you know what I mean yeah he was like through the whole thing he's on yeah cigarettes and stuff and he's doing it like really like like like Andrew Dice Clay almost I think he might

have stolen that part from Dice Clay he stole a lot of his stuff I think he might have stolen that part from Dice Clay. He stole a lot of his stuff I think from other people is his Biolic ounces like his whole shit not just his jokes But a lot of his whole shit was just kind of pieced together from other comics And finally he says if you want to stay loyal to the arts And if you have the time go ahead and listen to Bill Hicks instead no need to get all pissy over it Yeah, that's the guy that's who that that's who he stole his like kind of shit You know like his whole kind of persona from on our slash feet

Yeah feet we need to I need to warn you I haven't heard this post but we did feet guys and it was easily our most hated episode people were so disgusted by feet guys. No, guys was our fart guys might have taken over. Fart guys was pretty. The fartologist discussed a lot of people. But yeah, we found that feet guys were more disgusting than sex. Guys is what here's some pictures of feet. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, they're just as a non-foot guy. Well, um, why do some women insist on wearing shoes like this? Bit of a rant. And then he says, Diane Agron, he shows those pictures I showed you of her feet. And then Christina Hendrix is even worse.

Those feet. I hate where this is going. I think I know where it's going and I hate it. It's a shame because both they're both very attractive ladies But they were such tight-fitting shoes that their feet eventually get messed up I Suppose that most guys wouldn't care as such a minor detail which amazes me how people freaked out over Megan Fox's toe thumbs Which are probably as minor as they get but you think that if the shoes are so tight that they deform your feet Then you should find another pair to wear that's more comfortable. So this guy just

Hey, so I do agree that I think if you're wearing a shoe that and Maddie You would know better than us probably on this wearing like a high heel type shoe or one of those Constraining kind of shoes if it's actually doing damage to your feet, which I don't know that there are shoes to. Yeah, he's jumping really fast to that. It's like foot binding or something like, yeah. You know what I mean? They hurt, but they're not like. I think you have to wear them a lot for them to like. Yeah, I see.

They're just looking. They're looking at one picture. And the foot probably looks strange because it's in a shoe that what I didn't even think the feet look strange. I guess I don't know what a bad foot. Yeah, I guess being non foot guys. I think it's hard for us because we just look at the normal amount of feet and when we do see them, we just kind of glance at them. We're not examining them. So it did look pretty normal to me. It definitely it feels like this guy is sort of presenting it like I'm concerned about her feed for her own physical but in reality, it's all about his

sick desires or whatever he wants to see the feed a certain way. This is from circumcision grief r slash circumcision grief says masturbation rant slash advice Does anyone else feel like it takes forever to get any pleasure when masturbating I can't know I constantly I'm like going at it. Yeah, I've perfected it at this point. I like no I definitely am like yeah I don't even gross. I'm saying that it's a one-minute thing Okay. Well now you are being a little bit gross and I did want to say Maddie I do obviously I we're not it's not this kind

of podcast and Episodes are a hundred percent this kind of podcast Realized it was gonna be when Brian said to me Brian's like oh what I did was I got a bunch of rants from people Like that we've covered before and I was like, oh no, cuz I knew there was gonna be some of the nasty freaks in here Let's move to this actually I'm not I'm I found a Toastmasters rant now Not only did I find a toast masters rant, I'm doing the fucking audio of the shit. Oh, hell. Yeah. So we've got a little audio. Do you know toast masters? Maddie? No, wait,

this is separate from the masturbation guy. Yeah. Yeah. The masturbation guy is well, he might be involved in toast masters, but it wouldn't. Yeah, it would be a completely different thing. Toast masters is is for addiction and public speaking. It's like, oh, they wouldn't say like. Yeah, like a toast mat, exactly. So it's like learning how to, it's for business people who have trouble like speaking at a meeting

or like having those conversations with people or whatever. So it just, it's getting the us and ums out of there and speaking very clearly. It's bizarre shit because it's like stand up comedy without the jokes kind of and they're trying to speak perfectly in this like it's it's really really strange. Wow. We're just going to watch a little bit of this and then we got one more we want. I want to show you guys and these are non professional rants. How many views is it? 50 views! 8 years ago! Thank you Eric.

How dare you! You are personally responsible for ruining the world by refusing to do this one simple thing. I'm sure you may have good reasons. Like lack of time, lack of money maybe, lack of interest. So this is a Toastmasters thing where it's like what you have to do first is you have to have a big statement that nobody knows what you're talking about. So that when you reveal what you're talking about, people are like, oh, oh my God, I agree with that.

Yeah, hush over the crowd. Oh, the crowd, you hear them all like recognition. And the angle of the camera here is bizarre. Always, that's the Toastmasters angle. It's really low and pointed up into the corner of this meeting room or office room or whatever. And he's not standing behind the podium, but let me tell you, he should be,

because he's reading off of something on the podium. So he keeps glancing over to it in a really exaggerated way. Just stand above the podium where the thing is. I think he thought he was going to be able to do it without, you know, doing a hand thing. He's doing a hand thing. The hands class, Mr. Burns style or whatever. Yeah. He's doing that thing, which is a big dose masters. And again, Maddie, this is, this is like guys that work in an office trying to learn how

to talk in front of a room. Right. And what they do is they, they, they'll say like, don't say, uh, don't say, um, they'll, they'll mark you off for those. So what, in my opinion, what they do is they take people that are very obviously nervous to stand in front of a room of people and talk and just make them more nervous is the job. It seems like they're not getting rid of the ums and ands. They're just having weird silent pauses where those would be, which is more strange. Yes.

You go on stage all the time and talk and like nobody cares about that shit. Like, no, it's actually it's actually generally good advice, I think, to talk like a normal person. Yeah. If you're doing it like all the time too much, it could be distracting maybe. But yeah, exactly. People say that in their speech. So it's good to speak that way. If you're speaking like hello everybody Welcome to my show I am very happy to be here and let me tell you something that I have noticed about a certain subject matter Yeah, it sounds rehearsed and yeah, you're addressing the symptoms not the cause they're like don't say um and it's like no

No, you need to get him to not be nervous Now nervous and he has nowhere for that energy to go but like his eyes. It's terrifying. Here he goes. But I consider it a personal affront to my millennial dignity that you are not going out Sunday driving. Right now the establishment is telling us to do more important things like air quotes watch the debates Listen to pop music eat organic food eat organic food and he did a big like pop with his hands and People going out on Sunday driving

It's really just like driving in your car on a Sunday. Yeah. He's saying people don't do that as well anymore. I guess people back in the day when there was like nothing you would ever do, you would go out like there's a family go out for a Sunday drive and just go out driving around, maybe get some food, but you just go out for a Sunday drive. And he's ranting against that about how it doesn't happen anymore. And use less gas because we are ruining the planet. I say that hogwash and baller bash.

The cool kids use words like that today, right? Oh, good joke. I'll give you three good reasons why you should go Sunday driving that have nothing to do with religion politics or sports. Oh, thank God. Thank God. This next line is good because I'm told that those are scary subjects for most people. Oh, are you fucking scared to talk about sports? I'm pretty scared to talk. Well, when we talk about sports, yeah. I mean, I think in some houses that can get pretty heated around sports conversation, you know, college sports and stuff like that.

Brian, the Ohio State sports. Oh, we love the Ohio State University here. Maddie, where's your where's your Washington? Boulder dash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole Washington Boulder dash is fun. Yeah. Yeah. Where did you where did you grow up, Maddie? Where is your hometown? North Carolina.

So right by like UNC, actually, like the Tar Heels. And their rivalry with Duke is huge. My family is not really a sports family at all. But my best friend, her dad, like worked in sports at UNC. So I would go with them to games and stuff. So like I was tangential to it. I've seen people get heated.

Yeah, and that's and that you and he's obviously a huge program. By the way, the rivalry at Duke not going so well. Duke, number one team in the country. They're in the final four. By the time this has happened, they've played potentially won the the the national championship. I call him Duki. So that's just my joke.

One more unpause and then we're're gonna go to our last rant. I Think you guys are gonna really like reason number one Watching TV is not going to make you happier I'm an expert. Oh Being as I don't own a TV. Oh This guy doing the full-on Sean from Hollywood handbook thing, but seriously, like, I don't own a TV, actually. This is how I love.

Being as how I don't own a TV. Yeah, I watch my shows on my phone. You think the 25,000th presidential debate is going to teach you anything new about the presidential candidates? That's true. Is this something you didn't learn the other 24,999? You think that your hope for quality script writing is going to be restored by this week's episode of Madam Secretary? You think that your team is going to win the cover goal or? There's a lot of there's a lot of great television programs being put out

There's a lot of bad ones, but there's a lot of really good ones as well And you just got a you just gotta go out there and find them. Trust me Reacher everyone Oh a great show well scripted You know where they're competing for these days be just because you paint your chest and eat Cheetos and yell at the television. Well, I gotta tell you, you're not gonna learn anything new. Oh, your hope is not going to be restored. And your team still probably going to be lose going to be losing. Get him out of here. Get out. He's out here. You're fail.

And let's be honest here. Get him out of here. Get out. He's out here. You're a fail. Eh, eh. Get a big hook out and fucking yank this guy. Also, when he raised his arm, this guy's got the sweatiest pits. He had the sweatiest pits I ever seen.

Dark, dark fucking sweat in there. Ooh. All right, here we go. This is our last rant. This is called Hilarious Teacher Rant on School Fundraisers. It's a little two minute rant. This guy's really going off though. You guys are gonna love it.

He really, this is gonna be, this is such a Chris, he'll love this. Here we go. Same shirt, by the way. Yeah, yeah, basically. They all wear, yeah, that's the Toastmasters shirt. Really? No. Well, I mean, it is because this guy's a Toastmaster, too.

Oh, my God. Same angle, too. Kind of. That's the toast. We call that the Toastmasters. Ta. Hey, guys, got a quick question for you. Hey, where did all the good fundraisers go kids? Stop hitting up your teachers To buy cookie dough tollhouse does not mean you take us to the tollhouse. Oh That was a little Miller esque yeah tollhouse doesn't mean you take us to the tollhouse That was a little Miller esque. Yeah. Toll house doesn't mean you take us to the toll house.

Now is wild. I hope it's got some other ones for some of the other thing. Great joke. Yeah. There's four banana bread for $16. I could buy a banana farm. When did we go from bake sales to bake it yourself? A sale next year that's going to be selling eggs and flour. Look, the only way they would make a lot of money on that nowadays, you know,

with the eggs, the egg prices, those egg prices, that would be like a huge money. Yeah. Take out a fucking loan. Not here. Not in Canada, but in America you would. I'm going to fund chorus by buying 20 pounds of peanut brittle. Is it they promise to sing at my funeral when I die of type 2 diabetes You know whatever happened to the useful fundraisers. You know the things where we sold wrapping paper and gifts I just don't think Santa's getting any letters asking for 37 pretzel hot dogs kids used to bring their teachers food now They're invoicing me on PayPal. Oh shit

Now the kids are going to send me a freaking LinkedIn request for a PayPal This guy went full old guy mode yeah, yeah, he keeps going to and so like hey Raising money for a trip to London. Have you ever been? No, no, I haven't I spent all my money ever been? No, no, I haven't. I spent all my money stockpiling snickerdoodle dough. And even if I wanted to go, it cost me twice as much because I'd need an extra seat for my thighs that you've given me from all this cookie. That was a good joke. That was a super well constructed joke there. It's like one of the jokes I do on here where it takes too long to get to it and it doesn't

really even deliver at the end. I love a too long, Joe. I think I love a too long setup and then bad punch line too much. We still do the world's finest chocolate fundraiser. Hey, why did the bar shrink to half the size, but the cost stayed the same? Why should I buy a half a crisper bar from you for a dollar when I can buy a king size Snickers bar?

Brother, if he says for a dollar, I gotta tell you, this guy's full of shit. I know how much a king size candy bar is. From a kid in second period selling the EB treats out of his backpack, I'm not paying $30 for the same coupons that I throw out when I check my mail only $1 for Gourmet Blow Pop. The only real sucker here is me Gourmet lollipops. Just because it's flavored a little different doesn't make

it Gourmet. Okay, relax. It's going off on the fucking Gourmet. It's not two words. But yeah, I get what he's doing there there's also some more Sadie There's something so funny about being this angry but clearly speaking at a low enough volume because there's like someone in the room next to you Yeah, he's working and he's working in his office as teach There's another teacher there or something or like yeah people can hear him through the walls And he's a little bit embarrassed about what he's doing. And he didn't write this.

That's devastating. Yeah. He's emblem on my geo tracker. It doesn't make it luxury. Let's be real. The only useful fundraiser is the candle one because teachers use the candles. Yeah, we kind of need them when they shut off our electricity after we spent two weeks pay on a tub of peanut butter balls. Kids, I'm of need them when they shut off our electricity after we spent two weeks pay

on a tub of peanut butter balls. Kids, I'm broke. I'm a teacher. Listen, do what we did when we were growing up. Make your parents pay for it. Okay. I like that. He worked out. But in the end, it turns out, listen, he's just like, I don't got the money to buy it. Which is that is the whole. That's fair though. It's like, yeah, you don't know. But you just I will say this. I think unless these kids have some sort of like if they have something to blackmail you with or something to hold over your head, I think it's as simple as just saying that you don't want to buy it.

Let's close it out with the master. This lately, the last bastion of coffee. It's gone. Forget about it. You're walking there now. There's people wearing berets They're writing poetry on computers There's a kid behind the counter. It's like a cafe cool out of fuck. No www.blowme.com I don't want that suck on my dick, kid. I don't want that at all. What is this guy's deal?

What is this? Www. I hope that he does that like a hundred times in the special. Coffee, cool. The hell's that about? Man, when I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things, Coffee and donuts. And that was it! You took the donut, you dunked it in the coffee,

that's the fucking title of the place! Audience is jittery. Dunkin' Donuts! That's all they had. Donuts and coffee. Nothing else. They had no ice, no napkins, no soda, no salt, no pepper, no pate, no croissant, nothing! Walk in there now, there's soup flying around. People are eating finger sandwiches.

Look at the donuts on display in a case, like relics from a former era, you know? Here's what we used to serve. We used to fry them up and sell them by the dozen, back in the 70s. Wait, can you pause it? God almighty. He's by the dozen back in the 70s Wait, can you pause? He's under the impression that because the doughnuts are behind them He's no longer able to buy

He's just going in there Fucking put these somewhere where we get these up on the counters Get a hold of one of them. I mean I keep grabbing at them my hand hits the plastic thing I can't see it it doesn't look like there's a thing there this is good line here and then this will end the show God Almighty they can't smoke in any of these coffee places. You can't smoke in Starbucks, you can't smoke in Joe Bar, you can't smoke in Dunkin' Donuts. I'm pretty sure that coffee was invented by guys who were sitting around smoking anyways. I just wanted to drink something that would let them stay up late and smoke fucking more. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, point. That's not a good point at all. Just because they were they smoked because when they made it like Dennis Leary has been proven so. I mean it was like like I think six months

after this special came out the entire world was like yeah we're not going to smoke inside and coffee shops and stuff and everyone's like even smokers like yeah fair enough. Yeah. No. Well I was fucking hot under the collar about it yeah no i was i was a bit pissed off i was like a teenager when they outlawed it and i i it was bummed i just got into smoking and i was like it would have been cool i got to smoke at the at laugh lines comedy club when it after the you know after the final show and it was a great experience smoking inside but also you understand it changes the entire dynamic of the place you're at you take it over when you're smoking inside a place like that it's weird when you go to vegas it's like such a fucking

odd feeling or something you're like i just can't be person. I guess I have to go to a casino. I can't. Yeah. Yeah. I smoked on stage in in Las Vegas. Oh, man. Hey, Brian, it was so cool, man. Yeah, Brian, that's so fucking cool, dude. That is like you're such a cool badass, dude. Was performing in front of fucking eight paid eight. You know what I mean? Eight eight paid and a guy that wanted to

kill me for saying the rat pack sucks. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, that guy wasn't paid either, by the way. He was just sitting at the bar when we got there. So he didn't have to pay to get in. There were two guys standing next to a pool table having a conversation that was louder than our microphones. It was the worst experience I've ever had on stage in my entire life, especially after you go on tour with like at the time the podcast was pretty big. So most places we went, you know, there are people there and then you go to this place. There's eight people, but you got to smoke on stage, which I thought was the coolest thing in the fucking world. Yeah, I'm guessing maybe.

Yeah, maybe there's a whole bunch of people who wanted to come watch you, but didn't want to sit inside a big smoky room, perhaps that might have had something to do with it. Right. I don't think so. I think in Vegas, you just and yeah, nobody. No, I mean, the idea of going to Vegas to do a show is just a bit wild I think stupid. It's yeah as dumb as it gets doing a live podcast in Las Vegas, but I wanted to go to a wrestling show All right, well that is rant guys next week

Psychedelic guys Hit arrow it again. I'm guessing. Oh, yeah, we are. And Maddie, do you have anything you would like to plug? Oh, I have a podcast called phone is in the bag of my friend Kenyon. It's much less structure than it's less impressive. But this show is not that like I did a show without like

here. The reason this show is not that. I did a show without like, the reason this show is what it is, one of them, is because I did a show that didn't have like a thing and I couldn't archive it and it drove me insane. So I wanted to be able to archive this show and be able to search through it. Yeah, that's why he made up the concept of it. Say the name again, I just wanna make sure that. Yeah. Oh, it's called Phone is in the Bag. it. Say the name again. I just want to make sure that...

Oh, it's called Phone is in the Bag. And then I'm on Instagram at Maddy T. Wiener and I've got tour dates up right now. The link is in my bio. I have a mailing list and all that. If you want to come see me, stand up. Stand up comedy. Stand up comedy. Yep.

Little rant style. Get up there and just say, listen, can we stop giving it up for the wait staff, please? They're doing their jobs. Can you imagine? You go on a rant against the service staff. I mean, I bet you money that I would bet you that there are so many comedians doing tip rants. You know what I mean?

About how tipping is out of control. I do know. Oh man, the tip your weight staff. Some of the awful, awful lines that you'd hear from awful old road comics when they're like tip your weight staff. Hey, I know. Hey, this one's got six kids at home You know like saying shit like that like they're just like it's so embarrassed in the crowd like I just am trying to do a job

here like Yeah, all right. Well. We'll see you all next week with psychedelic guys with dead blossom. Jesse. We love you. Goodbye He's having me Sweet