Guys: With Bryan Quinby - Guys: Episode 125 - Soccer Guys with Beth Stelling

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

We had Beth Stelling on the show this week to talk about Soccer Guys. What kind of tickets did I get to see a game? How does diarrhea affect your game? Should a young girl be allowed to have rhinestones on her cleats? We learn a bit about the beautiful game of Soccer this week! There is more Chris at https://www.patreon.com/notevenashow And for more Guys content, streams and SHOCKTOBER: a deep dive into shock jocks you can click patreon.com/guyspodcast, Join us on the Sunday Night Stream every Sunday night at 8:00 EST at twitch.tv/notevenashow and I am on https://bsky.app/profile/murderxbryan.bsky.social  Guys is on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/guys.pod Guys has a Post Office Box now! PO Box 10769 Columbus Ohio 43201

Hey, welcome to Goals, a podcast about guys. Get it? Because the guy says goal in soccer. Oh, that's like your goal is celebrate. I do get it. I'm guys. Yeah. I was saying guy. He was. I just realized like, Beth doesn't know. Like she just thinks that's how you start every episode with that much enthusiasm. He does it to tailor the type of guy that we're covering. Literally. That's what did you say? Enthusiasm of all time.

Yeah. That's what you you say enthusiasm of all time yeah you're trying to attract that type of hype boy no no no yes yes yes okay Chris James is here hi Chris hey how's it going with a Chris episode if ever there were a Chris episode is it what kind of guys is it that we're doing specifically soccer guys Not never football, which I'm a football guy. Yeah, I've never never heard What it looks soccer? I've never I genuinely don't know that word and I've never heard it before in my life. I Know of course about football

Well, let me tell you something Chris now. Now, by the time this comes out, I will have already went to my first soccer game. Yeah, your first football match. They don't even call it a game, they call it a match, but I'm excited about that for you, Brian, because it's your Columbus crew versus my Vancouver Whitecaps, so this is very exciting for me.

Let's get the guest on. We have Beth Stelling here. Hi, Beth. Oh, hello. I've actually, you know, this is stuff I can actually talk about when I was in Vancouver shooting a movie. I went to a white caps game. Well, and and my first job was graders ice cream. And guess what was on our t shirts for this special crew chip. The

Columbus crew own chocolate chip ice cream Ohio that's Ohio Yes, whoo. They've got the best milkshakes by the way, Beth I don't and listen this gonna alienate a lot of the listeners But all the white caps are doing so well this season best team and Yeah, it's been an absolute joy to watch I got season tickets on the field and I have just been loving it. They won their they won against Seattle with the depleted lineup. It's just a joy to watch everyone check out the white cap.

Support them over in the MLS. No. Yeah, I bought special ticket. Of course, I got special tickets where you get special stuff at the crew game, Not the Nordic. Well, your despicable income. No. Well, your fandom. I don't have neither. It's neither. It's stupidity.

His his inability to budget his money, his like enthusiasm for throwing his money away and spending the most on everything. He insists on it and he has forever. He has more money now than he did before did but he always acted this way. Yeah Well, I'm not gonna buy regular seats You know what I mean and you're wrong for this by the way You probably bought some really shitty ones like you want to be on the field. Are they on the field? No, cuz they're by the luxury box. I get to go to the bread financial club

What what is the bread? I mean, that sounds like something that I would be into. Thank you. But also a bit redundant. Bread financial. Yeah. Wait, what is that, though? Brian, did you read club? It's a special food, special bathrooms. Yeah, it's food that other people at the place can't get.

But I need bathrooms. Oh, they got private bathrooms, they said. They do have that where I stand at the Whitecaps game on the pitch side. They do have your own washrooms. They have their own stalls and they're brand new. And it's huge. At halftime, you don't have to wait in a huge lineup

or whatever for the bathrooms. That is a perk, I will say. I don't want to be standing on the field or whatever. The ball hit you or something stupid. Or you make a huge crab when you're high on mushrooms and Posted and it goes viral Are people catching soccer balls? I was I I did that bed

I took some mushrooms and went to the White Caps game and then a ball got they hit at me and I made a one-handed Grab in the in the guy and then the it got picked up on the broadcast So I took the video Yeah, I feed his ego. Yeah Hand is so big Yeah, it's it's I'm holding it like it's forced perspective I'm holding it you palm the soccer ball that actually does yeah, that seems crazy Yeah, it made it was like I scooped it around

I you know you have to see the video and yeah, if you want that I could send it to you afterwards Yeah, yeah, it's not that impressive but Yeah, I'm going to see the white caps. I'm gonna. I'm hoping for some ice cream of course Maybe a soft serve machine, but yeah It's food other people can't get and you know how how it is. You buy tickets to a sporting event. You want to get the top tickets where there's stuff that other people can't have.

Yeah. I mean, not everybody, but yeah, I don't want to get. I want to get the top tickets to get the best vantage point of the game and like the best experience at the game. You are looking. Yeah, they have windows that are really big. I looked it up at the bread financial club is actually really nice. I can look it up. I mean, so you, so you're not even like, you

have to look at the game through a window. You're not even sitting in them. You're saying you're going to spend, you're going to spend most of the time kind of just mingling with the other people in the bread financial area. I just died bread financial club lower.com because that's the name of the field. And the first result is bread financial club. And it says you visit often. Checking in. He's always never been just to be clear, but he's regularly checking it and to see like, okay, any, any updates on what I'm going to receive? Ryan, what like, it's just a food thing

you're interested in? It says private club on the east sideline with exclusive food and beverage offerings. Exclusive. That means other people can't have. No, on the sideline. So you're down there? No, no, just on the lake. I'm a little bit in the middle of, I'm in the, you know, the 50-yard line. It is a good vantage point. It is a good vantage point for sure to be like up halfway up, you know, the 50 yard line. It is a good vantage point. It is. It is a good vantage point for sure to be like up halfway up, you know, midfield. That's a good place to be. But I just think that you got to stay in your seat, Brian and watch. It's going to be a great match.

These are two very, very good clubs. It's going to be really high level football. Soccer, uh, Florida ceiling windows allows view of the match from the privacy of the club. Yeah. Dedicated premium entrance. That's a premium entrance. I get to walk in an entrance and Oh, how we lost Brian. That very very that never ever actually happens. I know. Hacking.

No, it was not you. But you guys should see the video. He's like his hand is outstretched back. I wonder if he's going to try to join again. I'm going to send him a text message. I mean, this is this is a highly unusual bet. He regularly makes errors on the podcast. They're known as flubs,

but it's not usually stuff like this. Oh, so he just sent me a text message. It is a pretty good explanation. He sent me a text message that said, my computer just turned off. So his entire computer turned off. He says, I'll be back. He's going Terminator-style on us. He says, I'll be back. He's going Terminator style on us.

He says, I'll be back. It's rebooting. So now we kind of get to see how quickly he could get things going again. How long do you think that he hasn't restarted his computer? Are we talking years? No, definitely. I know that it's like turned off before in the past.

So I think it sort of forces itself off every seven or eight months or so after just kind of being on for... Kind of sick of his shit. Sick, well sick of just, you know, it's tired or whatever and he never gives it a chance to rest. So it's rebooting still. Beth, I get, oh, this would be a good time actually, oh, Brian's back. Oh God, he's back.

And now he's got no audio. No, now we can't hear him. So this would be a good time to talk about standup comedy. I'm not allowed to talk about standup comedy anymore. No, because he hates it. Well, just because it's like, they say I talk about it too much on the podcast. I'm always bringing it up, how I used to be a standup.

I'm trying to relate it all the time. But now that he's not here, well, he's here, but he can't say anything. He can't speak. He literally cannot stop us from talking about it. So you you're right now doing stand up comedy on the road. Oh, my God. Road, road gigs. A well, a Montour.

What's Oh, hello. Oh, you're back and your audio is crappier than ever. Yeah, I'm fixing that. I did. How do I adjust you guys in my ears? I wonder why. I tried to go to adjust you guys in my ears? I wonder I Tried to go to audio settings, which just doesn't work. Oh Hey, I'm in a default that sounds good, right? Yeah, that sounds fine. It sounds fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Anyway, so Talking about the bread financial club for now

Brian can I ask you just cuz listen don't think you can don't think I'm going to edit around that and make it seem like your computer didn't just fucking turn off in the middle of what happened. Don't even ask what happened. I don't fucking know. I'm going to buy a new computer. Like I think you need to restart it more often. Yeah, I do. We figured that was maybe not being not being but I don't know. It seems to me like you've yeah, like maybe it's an older computer something like that. But yeah, that's not an older computer Well, it's I want to buy a new one. Anyway, that's concerning. That's concerning Written it hard. Yeah. Yeah, I'm back to recording on my end, but it's probably not gonna mean anything

Because you know, all right, let's get to some soccer stuff Chris I gotta tell you the coach of the white caps, he's been problematic lately. And, uh, wait, no, I thought I would check into that. Jesse Marsh speaks out. Hang on, hang on. Hang on. I just, I cannot even with how ignorant you are. Is he, is he Mar are. Jesse Marsh is not the coach of the Whitecaps. He's a coach of Team Canada. He's also American, by the way. He's not even Canadian. He's an American guy who coaches Team Canada.

The Whitecaps coach has zero, the only thing he's done is taken a middle of the Rogue club and turned it into the best fucking team in the whole MLS. Yes, for Sorenson is a God. But yeah, it's incredible that you're so wrong. Jesse Marsh was talking about the Vancouver Whitecaps players. They ate some Mexican food. Apparently people in Canada can't eat Mexican food.

And then they lost a soccer game, which is the Mexican food because of the Mexican. But that's what they're saying because of the Mexican food. Well, like, though, that's a little too. That's on them to eat some beans before the game. No, this is bad. It's like in America, the food we eat and our soccer players go wild. No, this is not what happened. This is not. And first off, this is not what happened.

So it's ridiculous. This is the second year in a row that conca calf Yeah, I know what that means by the way because I watched the documentary last night on the power Go hot soccer. Okay. Yeah conca calf is like the Federation where where the US and Canada and Mexico play there I thought I want to also say it's called soccer That was originally came from Europe, from England soccer because it was an association. See, back in the day, and this is just something

I know off the top of my head. This is gonna be so wrong. At Oxford in England, they would add an ER to the end of things as like. Shuck. Yes, as they would add an ER at the end of the things like champagne yes, as as they would add any art the end of the things like champagne, they call it shampers. Like that was their slang.

And soccer was called association football, but they took the ass off the front because they didn't want to call it asser. Yeah. And they switched it over to soccer. It started over there. And then Chris runs around saying, oh, it's footy. It's not footy. It's soccer. That's fine. It's OK to disagree on that. Did you already have a football here?

Yeah. No, I know. And we I know we do. We have CFL, the smartest soccer guy in this fucking thing. I mean, you just thought Jesse Marshall is a coach of the White Caps, but Canada, which is also problematic if the coach of the team. If I could just clarify that what happened was that they went over there and they got sick. They got food poisoning. The white cast it. They did. They got diarrhea. But that's two

years in a row that the team from like the North America, it was an American team last year, but has gone to Mexico for this final and has gotten food poisoning and like it depleted their team. So I don't think that was the reason why they lost, but they didn't have a single shot attempt the entire game and they haven't lost a game all season. They lost one game all season. So they've been the best team and then they had no shot attempts. So I think they actually might have gotten food poison you should see the type of

Get done you guys think about it if you'd extend the leg or put a leg back that opens the hole for a Hershey score Can't open like It's the way that they squeeze out. I think in general. No, they weren't able to kick I I open their legs. I perform on diarrhea all the time Yeah, exactly you get you only Doing your magic only doing only doing your magic routines. Do you get physical Brian is like an amateur magician? So he has some magic tricks that he does that he gets You know only doing your magic routines. Do you get physical Brian is like an amateur magician? So he has some magic tricks that he does that he gets

Sort of physical but cool, but he know he don't know what I know where they I found all my magic tricks the other day Mm-hmm. Oh What happened with the issue was yeah, he only learned half of the trick, so they all disappeared. And then- No, they're in my box. I'm moving! That's why it looks so plain back there. It does look plain, and I thought it was just

because that was your style, and I didn't- No, he has a family and stuff. He has a family and stuff. Yeah, he's not like a single, that would be a single guy would live in a place like that, and he's, I promise you, Beth, he's not a single guy. That would be a single guy would live in a place like that. And he's I promise you that these these not a single guy. And you would like you would if you'd have seen it two weeks ago, three weeks ago. You'd be like, man, this guy's impressive as hell.

Oh, you would have thought he was so cool because you would have then seen his Lego town that he had set up behind the which was the entire town built out of. I put together a micro brick that you can get. What Lego like a red panda a couple weeks ago. Is that like a knockoff? I lost points on my vision and gained arthritis. It was the smallest LEGO piece I've ever done. So it was LEGO.

It was actually LEGO, but it's called micro brick. It's like a smaller version, but it's authorized LEGO. It's not real LEGO. It's like a smaller version, but it's but it is it's authorized I'm not real Lego. It's a knockoff from Below what's it called five below? Yeah, I got sent a bunch of pineapple one 263 pieces that's always look how small it is. She's showing it right now and like That's that's that's tiny. Yeah, I have to show you the video so you can see how small it is Look at my how big my thumb is. Oh my goodness

I mean that's listen that's exceptionally cute the to make something so tiny like that But yeah, I can imagine it's not as much fun as making like Lego. I think would be more up my alley than that Yeah, I lost my Lego guys penis. Oh Yeah Well, that's a penis I lost my Lego guy's penis. Oh, yeah. Well, that's a penis. I got to get his penis. So this is it. We buy this on. We bought this on stream.

We bought that on stream or on the podcast. The Legos had penises. No, you got to go to Etsy for these ones. You got to go get those custom made. The official ones do not come with penis is bad All right. Let's uh, so anyway this guy goes Lego strap on click on it's kind of what it is Is a strap on you got to put it down on the legs and then not gonna be between this guy goes coke shooting from The hip is usual but I've said it before and I'll say it again stuff like this is why they started using drones

Herdman was very specific. He only used them in conker calf games and he was doing a response to stuff like this So apparently they were droning. Yeah This is another thing where our coach the Canadian coach actually got caught using drones to spy on the other teams Oh, it seems like a good guy Old coach they got rid of this coach. They got rid of that coach. He's gone They were they could not believe he was doing it actually. That's pretty intense. Yeah, I think it's something that they do.

I think that other people don't get caught. Exactly, they do it but he just got caught. They got caught doing it or whatever, but I think a lot of them are doing it right with these covert, you figure out where they're training and you get a drone that has that has like a real long lens On it or whatever and then you just you get their their tactics. It's very fun There's a lot of money on the line in this now. It's a serious. It's a serious thing

I'll say I do love this guy though. He goes doesn't mean they didn't have Mexican food This guy goes they bring their own chefs, right? Yes, that's true Apparently the chefs were from the Columbus crew. So who so it was friendly fire. Well, no, the Columbus crew are arrival as well. Why would they bring the Columbus crew chef? I got confused. I got confused. Yeah, I know. It was it was the Whitecaps who were down there in the Columbus cruise. Yeah. Yeah, who knows what happened?

Well, no, it doesn't mean they didn't have Mexican food like using Mexican groceries like Mexican groceries just cause diarrhea is an insane thing. No, I don't think they're saying that. I think that I don't know. The idea is that they're they're saying that the food was tampered with. That's the insinuation. I don't think anyone's outright saying it other than Jesse Marsh. But the insinuation is that the food was tampered with so whether it was however they they tampered with it that two years in a row

They've you know gotten sick from it, but yeah, I know it was a tough loss No, it was funny Yeah, it was not funny. The screen didn't work outside the stadium and we gave up five goals It just it was just a horrible experience. Yeah That was the last time that the Vancouver team played Well, they played again But what was the diarrhea game? Sorry, the diarrhea game was like a week and a half ago

And then they just played on the weekend I went there. Seattle, which was it? Yeah. Now they play Columbus next week. So they're playing Columbus. Two weeks ago was in Mexico. I just said though, guys, sorry, I thought you just said they did beat Seattle. Yeah, they did.

But it was incredible that they did bet because they all had diarrhea and they still. So we're saying. Incredible diarrhea. Yeah, we still won. Yes. But just so you know, we won on diarrhea. But they lost on the first game, the second diarrhea game they won. There was two diarrhea games is the issue. The Mexican final was a was diarrhea.

Yeah, was diarrhea game one diarrhea game two because they were still having diarrhea like four or five days later, whatever. This is what I like about soccer. They probably got IVs. Yeah, and so they talked about it afterwards, like the one player, this young kid, actually a local kid, Jeevan Badwell, scored his first ever goal, and they said,

how was the run up to the game? And he's like, it was on the toilet a bunch. That's what he said, he literally was like, I had diarrhea, you know was like, I had diarrhea. Oh, I thought you were gonna say, because this was his first goal, he was the only one who didn't eat that Mexican food. No, no, he had diarrhea as well.

I've become a fan of soccer because of the amount of diarrhea involved with it. I think that is my favorite part of it. Yeah, normally there isn't, I'll be honest. I've been watching for a while, and this is the most diarrhea centric Run that I've seen for the for the team. I'm hoping we can get these guys some diarrhea when they play in Columbus this week Let's take a look at this guy. He's a play

Mm-hmm. I'll help I'll get some diarrhea graders ice cream and give it to him I mean you could just you could just get ice cream actually the truth And give it to him. I mean you could just you could just give ice cream actually Extremely rich and can cause diarrhea for anyone just give them your diet plan. Jenny said all those listeria outbreaks Yeah, I Can't believe that's like the fancy before it went national. They're like free listeria outbreaks Everybody's just like, it's very fancy. That's why I got a name in the in the national news. And then they're like, you know, we should capitalize on this. Everybody knows about us now.

Oh, yeah. We're the we're the Listeria guys. Yeah. Yeah. Let's take a look at a guy asking a question. He goes headache when heading the ball. Hey, guys, I was thinking about this the other day and thought I'd ask I've been playing the game for a long time and ever since the beginning I just accepted the fact that heading the ball will always lead to a headache Literally, however after talking to a friend about it. I thought he meant literally Assuming it was literally I think he thought we thought it was like I headed the ball and it ruined the rest You know what? I mean?

It's such a pain in the ass to head the ball, you know took me 45 minutes to head the ball But he goes however after talking to a friend about he said he never gets headaches is it normal to get one So no, you need to go to the doctor immediately? Yeah? Yeah, it's it's not I don't think it's normal to I think you're probably heading it incorrectly or you have something else going on If you're getting a headache every time I think if you had it with the top of your head Like you don't head it with your forehead to be right here. I thought yeah, yeah your forehead is where you want it right here Yeah, right on the forehead. That's where you want to do it But yeah, otherwise it can hurt a little bit, but I don't know it. It shouldn't give you a full-on headache

I don't think well, that's what Nick. Lano says he goes first. I am no doctor Okay, no, I was a doctor. You might have this guy's got this guy can help though He goes I was a back and I try not to do a lot of heading. Playing hot weather and get over tired. Don't hydrate enough. You could just get a headache just from that. Attacking the ball. Don't let it hit you. Protect the space you're heading in.

Please don't make a case for any more lawyers. I don't know who I hate more, liberals or lawyers. Oh, I guess the conservative footballer. He's just like liberals are ruining it. And lawyers took a turn. Yeah. He's like he's basically like liberals are ruining it and lawyers took a turn Yeah, what he's like he was basically saying like because there's a CTE heading the ball I can lead to see I think the CTE there's been some studies going on about that So I think maybe this guy's like we don't want all the suits hanging around on the sidelines

Look at that, you know the ambulance chasers trying to do rooting our sports are running out at halftime and you know yeah do not say headaches these liberals will seize upon it immediately the liberals and lawyers will be all over it they'll be doing protests and they'll be in the you know we won't be able to play in the final we can't play in the final sorry we got a friggin we got a court date we have to go to about our heading situation no because I have because I have more headaches from American football than I ever had heading the ball it's like that's well that makes sense yeah that's known to do it we don't even know when he played is he talking like soccer high school or yeah

that's an answer that ever. I wish he did. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, if he's like, he's like, I never got headaches. It's like, yeah, well, you played from third to sixth grade. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, who knows?

But in- Why'd you have to bring, also, is that not the first guy who would say something like why you gotta bring politics into this if one of the guys got down on one knee? Yes. And here he is on a simple podcast going, well, I don't know about the CTE headaches liberals. What?

It's not like a liberal thing. I guess in the end. It's a medical thing. Yeah, it's a medical thing. Is he saying we're snowflakes for saying like, oops, maybe that's going to hurt your brain if you bonk on it with a ball going. That's right. Shut up and let us play the game.

How fast can they go? 60 miles an hour? Is that crazy? Be quiet. Just let us play the game. I've been always been pro-CET for years. I mean, there's a lot of those. Of course, there's people who, like, if we got into American

football, it's a much bigger thing about that, where they're just kind of like, they just don't want to give up the game that they love. They base their life around it So then everyone's like, you know, these guys are like it's really fucking their heads up and they're like, you know Shooting themselves in the chest and massacring families because their brains are so fucked up from this sport And but then the guys are just kind of like shut up man was like shut the fuck up We just watch my little guy. I just want to watch the game like I want to watch the sport and like I just

Watch my little guy. I just want to watch the game like I want to watch the sport and like I just don't Shoot up a grocery store. I want to watch him on my screen. Yeah, I'm not watching the news It's just a guy that like Come on CTE can't be that bad. Yeah, you're like, oh, yes That's why I'm hesitant to know how long he played if you're playing a professional sport and you're doing a lot of headers Which by the way are some of the coolest goals to watch. Oh, yeah, then You're going to have some injuries no matter what well somebody does ask him this question I'll make a distinction between headache and head pain Headache is a pain you feel inside your skull

Head pain is coming from the superficial muscles of the head and forehead soreness from hitting a ball Which one we talking about? Yeah, where can where are you feeling it exactly? It's Somebody somebody could answer that question some professional So sort of professional only you could go see somebody to sort of look into something like that But no no I will just go, where is this person? They're not on Reddit even, they're on some football forum.

That's soccer ball, big soccer. Big soccer, so let's go on to big soccer to sort of ask about, did you think, you fellas think I got CTE? And everybody's just like, nah man, get out there. Our conservative friend Nick did come back with a little more information for us I was getting headaches for 47 years. Oh my

Dot if I'm dead actually if somebody kills me on tour it was that guy This he's gonna be like that liberal He's gonna be like that liberal 47. I should go to the doctor after 47 years of a headache. That's I think he, I think he might be making a joke. Is he about to make some sort of, he might be making a joke because I feel like, I feel like he might be, this might be going into, I got 47 years of a headache.

It's called my liberal wife. You know, I got, you know what? It's funny. He goes in the last three, but listen, you are right. But the way this is worded is incredible. Yeah, let it rip. I'm going to read the whole thing for you right now. I'll show you. I was getting headaches for 47 years.

And the last three years they stopped. They stopped because I started to lose my hearing. Now, when my wife starts talking, I don't hear what she is saying. I just say, yes, sure. Good. No problem. So no more headaches and we get along. Great. Oh, very, very good joke. Worded perfectly. A one concise. Nice reveal. That's that is literally that is like that is you ask someone to explain someone's very good joke. That's that's like I pictured that is like. That was like if you ask someone to explain someone's very good joke. That's like, I pictured that is like Tim Heidecker

and his standup special delivering that joke. Delivering the joke about his hearing. Yeah, I actually don't have headaches anymore. I had them for 47 years and after three, but now three years I don't because I lost my hearing and you know, like that's that's what it sounds like I would cut I cut the hearing part Is the part I was like that's what he's like. That's what uh, that's what old god did about three years ago for this fella at which point He was couldn't hear his wife anymore. And that's when

Miraculously the headaches did stop. I gotta give him credit, I gotta give him credit so he doesn't kill me. I am impressed that he didn't blame it on his wife for just talking too quietly over the years. That's true. As time went on, she started talking quieter and quieter. Yeah, he gave her a little break. That's why my ears are perfectly fine.

She's the one who keeps whispering stuff that I can't hear. We have a thing, Chris sent me this actually. Um oh and as things we say your best lines ever. So these are guys referee guys who who these are their good lines. They use some of the yeah these are if you're we we talked about umpire guys and we discussed that and this this would be more for referee guys, but they're specifically soccer referees and Men's league refs or kids refs and we discussed a little bit Obviously they do put up a lot of a lot of shit like they put up with a lot of shit from you know parents or

adults who are way way too competitive and Every now and then they get a line in though and here's a pretty cool thread of some pretty cool referees Talking about some of the badass lines that they've that they've delivered on the pitch So I'm looking at man pre sweatpants cuz that's what they're talking about. I think they're just long sweats Yeah, man, like Capri's they're Capri's Yeah, okay. Yeah, it was a few years ago and I think it was under 15 be competitive game this was when you first saw the dreaded man pre sweats being worn by coaches as AR won the coach from three hours away is complaining to me about something to do with time me

What's the problem? You need to go home and give your wife her pants back to her. I like he says to her at the who? Oh God, his ass. Can you imagine a referee saying that to you? Like there's all the parents on the side and he's like, Hey man, what's going on? You're like, you know, he's like five minutes. It shouldn't be five minutes to stop. It's time. It should only be two minutes. Oh, what's wrong? You got to go home and give your wife her pants back. Everyone would be like, oh Fucking weird thing to say man. I'm really loving these these jokes are so badly done all these lines This one that guy goes doing your college club game a few years ago and was being heckled good naturedly by some rowdy fans To be fair, they were heckling everyone, players on both teams, coaches, fans and refs alike. We were wearing yellow. One heckler yells

out, Hey ref, I've seen better yellow in my pants. I replied next. It's a bad, it's a bad heckle. I will say the heckle is really bad. Do these guys sound like they were just shit face drunk out at some like field and then a soccer game Better yellow in the whites of my eyes because I'm dying of cirrhosis You pissed your pants yeah Better yellow in my pants. Yeah, I definitely thought that Brian Pissed my pants. He goes, I replied, next time where your depends. Depends on if you're going to be at the game.

You that's that's what that's but but he was saying he pissed his pants. I know. And then his retort that was supposed to get him back was like, well, next time where your depends is like this. So they were just having a conversation. Well, he goes and then I took off the other way down to field after play chuckles from the crowd and I didn't get heckled again after that. So you guys both, you know, have been known to do stand up. He got the last laugh.

Yeah. And if you're doing stand up, maybe tell people they they should change their depends. I think. Yeah, I mean, that's that works a lot where you're just like I've had a ref at a field hockey game. Oh yeah, Beth, you haven't played soccer, but you've played field hockey at a pretty high level. Yeah, pretty similar actually, just in the sense that, you know, 11 aside.

Yeah. Of course there are differences, but in general the game would be move the ball to score. Yeah. Across the field with 11 players. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's similar. And what did you, how did you get a ref? Oh man, I don't know if it's gonna be, I don't know,

I'm just sorry, I don't know if it's gonna be as good as wearing your Depends next time, are you? I know. I'm gonna be wearing your Depends next time. No, honestly, mine wasn't really funny, I just pissed him off, and it doesn't help, but I felt like he was leaning, we were playing in the World Cup in South Africa

in October with the Masters tournament, and I was watching the men's South African team, and I just felt like the ref was in favor of them. So I was like, I was heckling him. Making an even game. And he, honestly I wish I could tell you what I said to him because it was bitchy, because he turned, and he Honestly, I wish I could tell you what I said to him because it was bitchy Cuz he turned and like he like turned and went like that to me. Oh you got you like he's like gave you

Oh, listen gave me a little stink. I like fuck you bitch I was I was like actually at the Seattle Sounders game that we discussed just a few moments ago I as I mentioned, I'm very close. I'm like right behind the bench. So I'm just like four or five feet away from the players and the coaches and stuff like that. And I was, I don't usually do this, but they're like a rival of ours. And I was like, I was kind of being a bit of a menace. I was being a bit of a menace. They, at one point this guy came on, he hasn't, he's like a coach now, basically.

He's like basically retired and he came on and then they, we got a penalty. And he stepped up to take now basically. He's like basically retired and he came on and then we got a penalty and he stepped up to take the penalty, he's like 40 years old. And I was like, this guy hasn't scored in 17 years. And then he scored and then I was like, oh my God, he's retiring tomorrow. You just got scored on by a guy who's touched the ball for the last time in his entire life. And a woman in their staff turned around

and gave me the exact same look that you just said that the ref gave, that little like, why would you do that? Like, why are you bugging? We're losing three, nothing. Like, why are you doing this? And I did, I was just like, yeah, she's right. I'm not gonna say anything else.

I know, I'm really not that type either. I just felt like annoyed watching the game because I felt like they really were feeling in the South African home team. By the way, they are incredible players, so it's not like they were bad and cheating. It just felt like, come on, they're already doing very well. You spoke up and that is like, it is kind of, it's weird. I feel embarrassed too. Like unless, I feel like I have to nail,

I'm like trying to say a line that's kind of funny too, which is so stupid. Because I have to hit it and hope to get some sort of reaction from someone or I feel like a real idiot. This is your open mic now. Yeah, that's all I have now. But it is true. I hear you.

When I was standing there, I'm like, I want to be funny, snarky, because you don't want to be a full-blown psychopath that's like, want to get your head out of your ass, find out where you live and murder your family. You know what I mean? Get some fucking glasses and I'll shove them up your fucking asshole. You get a little heated, and I think it can be fun and good spirited. And it's part of the game. Like I like I feel like those those professional athletes who are getting

paid a lot of money doesn't mean you can abuse them in like a real serious way. You can't be like picking out like serious things about their character and trying to like. But I think it is part of the game why they're able to make a bunch of money is that they have to be able to take some gentle ribbing from people in the crowd, you know? Yeah. And this is interesting because I have to deal with so many old white men on Facebook saying psychotic things to me. And they're like, they'll say something horrific and be like, you're a comedian. I thought you should have tougher skin.

Yeah, you should be able to take a joke that even the joke is like, you're a comedian, I thought you should have tougher skin. It's like, what? Yeah, you should be able to take a joke. The joke is like, don't you get the joke? It's that I'm gonna show up at your house and kill you. You're a comedian. I know. Don't you understand what's funny?

I do hate this idea of like, ooh, she's triggered. It's like, or you commented on something to me and I replied. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I do remember what I said to the guy. It was something like, I think I said something like, oh, I think you've helped him enough. Don't you?

Oh, sure. A little sarcastic, huh? Just a little, wow. I was at a baseball game just this weekend and a guy got drunk, just so drunk. Biggest loser you ever met in your entire life. He was standing behind me for like 15 minutes talking to another guy about he's like, I lost my Yeah, I got fired. You know, they had to do it. I'm gonna

sue him anyway. I'll just get my job back. You know, I because if they fire everybody, then I can't sue them. But if they don't fire anybody else, I can't. He's like, I kind of knew it was coming because I show up late all the time And I don't shave and he was just it's like really like radiating loser energy soon. I get your job It's it's but it's like even if it's successful It's like I don't know man It depends on what it is and I'm all for like if you're if you're fired without cause or whatever that you should but I don't know, man, depends on what it is. And I'm all for like if you're if you're fired without cause or whatever that you should. But I don't know if you're able to find a new job.

I think it's like probably best to get out of that environment because it's like, hey, guess who's back? It's it's Marty. Remember the guy we aggressively tried to get out of here? Well, he's back in his old office. By the way, admits he was doing all the stuff. Oh, yeah. And by the way, yeah, he just got a really good labor lawyer, but he's, yeah, he's admitted to-

Which doesn't work, by the way. Ohio's at will. You can fire anybody for fucking any reason you want. And then 15, 20 minutes later, 15 or 20 minutes later, he goes to his seat and he screams one time, scream some joke. And I don't even remember the joke. Oh, that sucks. Because that means it didn't land at all. Because it was bad. It was stupid. It was something like, Hey, you've only hit eight home runs this year or some

shit like that. It was like really all of his jokes were based on what was on the scoreboard, right? Like so it comes up and shows the batting average. I see. So he didn't know how I was going to say, Oh, so he was a bit knowledgeable, but no, no, he was a drunk guy reading this scoreboard and eating off of the scoreboard. Yeah. Fucking one joke, one fucking joke. And people turn around and laugh at them. And that's it for the rest of the fucking night. Just every single pitch. But he would like, Oh, why don't you get your ninth RBI?

Oh, he's just doing scoreboard riffs and there's only three riffs you could do really. He's just having to roll through all of them. This reminds me, and I'm sorry to all the listeners who really love when we get down to the guys and we do all the guys stuff. We got stuff. But I know, I just, this reminds me,

the first time I went and saw my favorite movie in a very long time, Friendship, I've been talking about a lot. I went and saw it twice in theaters. But the first time I went to like a sneak preview of it and it was, you know, huge fans, as you can imagine, of Tim Robinson and stuff and a full theater and some fucking person made some reaction, you know,

like, oh, no, oh no, or you know what I mean? Like after everything was over and then it got a laugh and I knew right there, Brian, I knew right there, I was like, oh no, I was like, oh no, I hope that's not that type of person who has that performer thing in them where they need to like, and sure enough, they started hitting it four or five times

through the movie. Chris, you wanna yell at the people who laughed. Yeah, you wanna yell at everyone to yell at the people who laughed. Yeah, you want to yell at everyone? It's not it's not their fault. It's not Fault it's your fault. Yeah, I think you say I think you say something like that's your one. Oh, yeah Yes, there you go. That's that's the smart thing to do But it's like having the courage to do that. It's that's also a thing where it's like, I don't know how this is gonna go I don't know if everybody agrees with me on it. They all kind of laugh

Maybe that maybe they like it or something. But yeah, it it really they don't they do I is also like an insanely sweaty white man and is like nothing to lose. He just got fired My wife was gone when he was behind me talking. And I was, because I sit in these good seats that have basically office chairs, and he was standing right behind me and hushed like this. Shut the fuck up, by the way. The way he just casually, I sit in these good seats

and basically office chairs. I was sleeping. Like office chairs aren't even known. My wife has gone fluffing my cushion. I mean there's, all the chairs are not known as like great chairs either, I don't know. No, the chairs, but I was leaned back like all the way into his conversation, just listening to this guy.

He was so sweaty and so drunk and he was in his late like 20s He was the exact guy you picture Do you know what's weird though is that like you were kind of like in his shit? He was like kind of like acting the right way at a baseball game all fucking sweaty and like Obnoxious and then you are just like yeah, I'm trying, you know, I'm trying to eat my soft serve ice cream We left early because of the guy, because Katie was pissed.

Yeah, I know. I know. I know. I understand why she would want to get away from that energy. In all seriousness. Run around and say, like, it's the same thing with if I'm, if I have a heckler at a show. It's like, what am I going to take the time to kick you out?

Yes. It's such a nightmare. It's a whole regular role. Yeah, totally. Let's look at this R slash soccer coach resources. This guy has a question. This guy has a question. Bedazzled Cleats. I coach a middle school girls soccer team.

One of my players decided to bedazzle the swooshes on her Nike cleats with rhinestones. I plan on addressing the issue today. cleats with rhinestones I plan on addressing the issue today Speak like that like I've let out an avid get all you know all hands on meeting to address the issue That's your biggest worry One of the teenage girls put bedazzlement on her shoes But he goes you wouldn't you just kind of eggs isn't that isn't that totally expected and also completely fine I mean, I don't know like is down on the ground. I think they were playing in like a major tournament in high school

Yeah, it's like earrings out. No, maybe yeah I guess maybe there'd be it but I can't even really think think about it because some cleats and stuff will have beveled edges or whatever, I can't think about why it would be, maybe, maybe if it's sunny, the sun reflects off of the thing or whatever. You guys gotta hear these babies in the comments. What'd they say? It's incredible.

As someone who somehow always gets things flung into his eyes, I'd say it shouldn't be allowed. I can easily see how a good kick could knock you off. Wait a second. Wait a second. Why do you always get stuff flung in your eyes? I mean, it'll happen to me from time to time, but I think I can count on one hand

the amount of times it's happened in the past few years. Do you like how? I wonder what he does. Maybe it's like to me. Maybe he's like, like a landscape or something like that. I would get stopped flying in my eyes. It is weird to be like, that's the you know, a thing about me is I'm always getting stuff flung into my eyes.

I'm like, a lot of you guys would look at children's shoe. You look at these bedazzled cleats and you would see no danger whatsoever as somebody who has the privilege of not having things You know flung in their eyes consistently, but I see this as a hazard Yeah, I mean I I feel like this is a here is what's that guy doing on a children's soccer field? I mean, I think I think he the the like he's just trying to be he's looking for a thing. He had to try so hard to find some reason why there's something wrong with it. And the thing was that it could fling off like the steering wheel could fling off and just out the window.

Here's a guy that you'll love this guy. Not trying to be a buzzkill. But I think they should by law be disallowed ball 4.1 items of jewelry Are forbidden it must be removed using tape to cover jewelry is not permitted The players must be inspected before the start of the match and substitutes before they enter the field of play If a player is wearing or using unauthorized dangerous equipment or jewelry, the referee must order the player to one,

remove the item, leave the field of play at the next stoppage. If the player is unable or unwilling to comply, a player who refuses to comply or whereas the item again must be cautioned. I think the ref will disallow the cleats no matter how safe they think they are. They're a harder surface. They could have harder, sharper edges. They're acting like these are knives. Like every combat is like these bedazzlements and it's just on the night Whooshes on the side. It's just on the swooshes on the side of in fact

I don't know if it's a great idea maybe because like you know, you're using the inside Fall off into the grass exactly Oh if you're lucky don'll fall off into the grass otherwise straight up into my damn face this guy goes shiny does not equal your jewelry Adidas Predator free plates have rubbery spikes on them yeah so there's that this guy goes spikes added at the factory designed to be used on soccer shoes and then what I should we just reply to all of them ago oh goodness, I didn't realize all you guys had such sequin experience you little drag queens I mean, why there's so many people talking about different rhinestones

And these are all these are all like old men that are talking about this little girl putting bedazzled things on her cleats and they are all discussing it and this is this is what this guy's gonna do He I guess I wonder if he's gonna sort of bring any of that That's what they're hoping maybe that some of their points in the thread He might actually bring to the meeting that he has with the young girls to discuss this issue Like as you said by law, it would be disallowed and then quoted the law where it explicitly does not mention anything except similar disallowed and then quoted the law where it explicitly does not mention anything except similar to bedazzled anything even similar to bedazzled cleats. I don't see any reason why they'd be not allowed. The only issue with them is how securely are the rhinestones attached securely enough that kicking the ball will not knock them off.

And then our guy comes back, the guy that quoted the laws. Yeah, I asked ref needs loves to on Instagram at ref refs need love to I can't say ref needs love to on Instagram a ref who rests everything including MLS next Here's his answer. It would be considered. I thought it was MLS by the way, but MLS next that's not the real thing Yeah, like how you like paused on the beat to like MLS is like a professional league and the next is like the development league Or whatever. Yeah. Yeah coke orange Here's his answer it will be considered jewelry you can't have anything that could be a safety hazard But of course your local ref may decide otherwise, but by the book they should be disaligned. Yeah

These are 11 year old girls You're it depends if your local ref is a hardcore liberal who's like not trying to fucking bother little girls with what they have on their shoes, then yeah, you might get away with it. I guess there's another issue going on. I know about politics. This is why liberals are fine with these drag queens are They're fine with bedazzling your cleats. We actually are. Yeah, we don't talk.

This is an insanely leftist podcast. I'm a famous leftist. We're insanely leftist and the left mostly comes from me. No, I'm known as a... I am not... Well, there's a lot of conversation. I would say that I dragged the podcast left. I dragged the podcast left.

And even then, I'm not going to say what Brian's affiliation is. But I'll say I drag the podcast left. And even then, we only end up in the center. Oh, you know what? Listen, I know people are talking out there that they don't think I have beliefs anymore. But I do. People. It's so funny that Brian still is still political. He used to do a political podcast, but we don't talk about politics on here.

Yeah, this guy. Here's the question. And this is interesting because this guy this guy posted thing habitual cocaine use by football fans is a problem. The sport needs to face. Brian. Yeah, I don't think this is that true. Are you doing that? Oh face Brian. Yeah, I don't think this is that true. Are you doing that? Oh Cocaine Brian never Brian has he's into pills. He was big into what was your big?

What were you big into pills? Thank you. I like all you were you were Don't you were you were huffing gasoline as well. I huffed when I was young. Yeah, I haven't I've been an adult. You don't see a lot of adults huffing gasoline. No, Beth, this is real. This is real. He's from Ohio. He's from Groveport, Ohio.

I am too, Brian. Oh, really? From Groveport, Ohio. But Groveport, I don't think you're from the same part. I don't know. I'm from Dayton, Ohio. OK, yeah. That's pretty bad, too.

Hey. That's pretty bad, too. All I have to say is I never huffed. Well, no, we used to know know we you know what we used to you know what people in Groveport said about dating because I used to go to concerts and date and I saw Pantera there like a million times when I was a kid. Yeah. People would say that Dayton is the major drug artery in this part of the country. So there were just tons of drugs. So we would go there to the concert and be like, God, I hope we can get some fucking good drugs there. There's so many. Like it was known as a place with so many drugs. How close was it to Grove? What was it? It wasn't the closest. About an hour, 15 minutes, hour.

I got you. We used to go there for concerts and I'd be like, where's all the fucking drugs? You know what I mean? Yeah, never found any. No, not the Nutter Center, Hera Arena. Oh yeah, Hera Arena. That sounds more your speed. Yeah, it was pretty cool. I saw Corbin. And the speed is very fast, by the Nutter Center, Hera Arena. Oh yeah, Hera Arena. That sounds more your speed.

Yeah, it was pretty cool. I saw Corn Man. And the speed is very fast, by the way, because this guy was fucking hopped off. Yeah, I was not a drug kid, but my brother-in-law is in the ER and can confirm lots of drug overdoses. Yeah, they would just say that everybody there

is a drug trafficker, but that was what we thought. It wasn't like- Yeah, I mean, look that like everybody there is a drug trafficker like that, but that was like what we thought it was You're at the hair arena seeing seeing Pantera So I met my first straight edge there and and like so so I'm at this concert me and my friends We're at this concert straight edge guys at the concert. He was there with you Can you give us a little run now? We know a lot of his friends or no Sean Nate the Was there porno Sean was always that he's the number one friend of Brian's from his past. He was he was accumulating pornos to start open his own porno store allegedly to open But he had my buck. I like but he had all we know is he had a lot of pornos

Collecting it to open a store. Yeah. I don't even look at it. Exactly. That's what I used to, I'm telling you, I would be like, why do you always go back to the porno section when we go anywhere? And he's like, I'm gonna open a porno store. I'm a collector.

Yeah, not a collector. I'm not doing, I'm doing this for business. Yeah, he's not even. Yeah, he's like, I'm strictly like, listen, I understand that a lot of people like this smut. So I'm just looking to give them what they want. I find it a boring that he was a very sort of I spent too long Collecting periodicals and now that is no longer in fashion. I know it's a bummer for him He never got to open his porno store, but the straight-edge guys talking to us all and he's like

You know, I don't do drugs. And we were all like, what? We were so fascinated by the guy that we were just having like, he's like, I don't eat meat. And we're like, excuse me, what we made him stand and talk to us for like 45 minutes because we were so fascinated. He's like, I don't do drugs, I don't have sex, I don't eat meat, I don't wear leather. And we were all just kind of standing there like, that's fucking crazy. Brian's childhood was so fucked up that yeah,

that was the first time he had ever met someone who didn't do drugs. That was like, he was so fascinated. He's like, wait, there are people who don't do drugs in the world? Oh my goodness. I didn't know that- I was so confused. didn't know that Coke was a soccer fan thing. That's what it says.

It's like, I would say British lads, you know, like those British lads who are out there watching you see them on TV and stuff like that. I don't know for a fact, but a lot of them look like the kind of guys who are doing Coke and they act a lot like people who are on that one guy at the NBA game doing it up in the stands. Oh, I mean, listen, there's a lot of people doing it is what I've found. I'm not a I'm not a fan. I think it's, you know,

I think I can tell you what happens why there's coke in at the European games is because they have made a law that you're not allowed to have alcohol in the stands anymore because they're maniacs over there. So instead of doing alcohol, it's much easier to do coke like in public. Yeah, it's like a little vile necklace. I mean, just taking a pill is the easiest way, you know, like or mushrooms or whatever, like taking something like that. Boom, you hit it before you go and then you just like, you don't even have to do anything. Are you going to go back though? Like mushrooms isn't like you're trying to get a different feeling from Coke.

And for Coke, the reason here's what I think is one of the other reasons they do Coke, because you can really cheer people on on Coke. Like it gives you the fucking like, come on, you know, like you become passionately supportive for this podcast? I would. Honestly, it was just like you could see Brian just like sort of getting the feeling of like, as he's talking about.

Come on! Brian, you haven't done a drug like that in a long time though, eh? Not really, no. The last time I really went crazy on drugs was the last tour Yeah from Street Fight because everywhere we went people gave me drugs because they knew I loved them yeah, and because you would that was always tough for me to watch when I would see like

Comics get handed drink after drink or shot after shot. I'm like, I know it sounds so Bleeding heart or I don't even know how it sounds to be honest with you like don't hurt him. But the truth is it is it's like oh you love this guy so you're handing him the thing that destroys him. Yeah. I mean I would say somehow Brian he never really got destroyed by it. He's always you know he never did it a lot like he would. I have very specific rules for that sort of thing now, because I, listen, I don't wanna bring everything down,

but I did go to rehab. I got kicked out of it, but I cleaned up. It's not bringing anything down. He talks about it a lot. I mean, that was where did Kweeber went to rehab, right? Kweeber went to rehab, got kicked out of it, and then came back, Brian. And yeah, his name, in the end, I still became Brian.

He used to go by Quiber when he was younger. I didn't go by that. Number one. People called him that. Yes, you gotta make, I did not say, please, my dad's Brian, call me Quiber. I didn't, it's like. You didn't introduce yourself and say,

hello, I'm Quiber. My gentle and noble request. Nice to meet you. My name is Quiber, Quiber Quinby of the Columbus Quiber. Nice to meet you. My name is Queiber, Queiber Quinby of the Columbus Queiber. Yeah, the. The Columbus Queibers. But yeah, he went, one of my favorite things ever too is that Queiber, he signed up for something, right?

Queiber signed Brian up for college college or some shit like some college courses And then he came out on the other end and like so Kweeber basically set Brian up on the right path as he was Watching himself be destroyed like Kweeber knew it was the end for him And he's like I'm gonna make sure Brian has a much better life than me. It was really kind of a sweet moment Oh, he signed up for community college to be marketing. Like I, I specifically remember thinking I'll be an ad man. I can do that. You'll be a sort of a Don. Yeah. Well, this is pre that too. Yeah. This is pre that I just think I thought like I'll put on a suit. I'll do some coke. I'll fucking come up with an idea

for like, you know, almond joy and that'll be my life from now on. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, this person goes, go ahead. Sorry. No, keep going. No, you can go. Coke is fine in the right places with the right people, but I honestly have no clue why you do it at the footy is what the first guy says. And then I agree. I honestly agree with that, but I do get it a little bit Brian with like getting excited and stuff. But it just I guess it depends. I want to be watching the whole game. So it's like a thing where you're like you keep wanting to do more and you're

like going off to the bathroom to do it and you're just missing the game. And that's where I think you and I are different where it's like I am sitting there and I am not missing a second of the game while it's on. Are you accusing me of not liking the game? Ryan, you take pictures at the game and none of the pictures are like of the what's going on. You're never watching the game. You're like at the ice cream machine or you're like, you're never ever. I hope there's an ice cream machine at this crew game or I'll never pay for those tickets again at the baseball.

They have many helmets that they put the ice cream in and he's just like three of them this year so far. Oh, yeah. You got to get that helmet. You got to get the helmet. You don't get a jar with a churro in it. No, why would you do that? That has nothing to do with baseball. You get perfectly on a little cat head.

I embarrassed my daughter this week there because, you know, she goes and waits in line with me because she knows I'll pay for her ice cream. You know what I mean? So her and her boyfriend are like, let's go get some ice cream. I buy their ice cream and then the the the mascot Lucille came by and I was like, Lucille. And he's like, oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. And I did a high five and it's like, that's what I'm talking about. And she's like, no. Did you say that's what I'm talking about? Oh, brutal. It was exact words.

I was like, that's what I'm talking about. How was it? How did Gwen and Asheron, were they both immersed? Yeah. They're like, oh, god, why can't you be normal? They're mooching off you getting ice cream. That's this kind of thing they're gonna have to deal with. Yeah, you got it.

That's the price that they pay. That's the price that they pay. Here's a guy that says, I've only ever seen Coke done once in my life. And it was when I was in the toilets at halftime during a game at the Eddie Hod. The Eddie Hod Stadium. Yeah, some older guy, I'd say in his fifties,

brought some from a dealer who was posted up by the sink and did it straight away. I was totally in shock to be honest. Sidebar. The line was to go was nightmarish. Took me the whole halftime to actually get the P and I was with three people at a time using the handicaps doll. One peeing into the the toilet two people just peeing against the wall In the various corners. It was quite an experience. Wait, I goes that's this why I mean these people are just Horrific people like who who would do that? You're just going into the stall and pissing on the wall Over and over again people are doing. Like that is so disgusting. Only only at the Eddie.

You'd only see that type. You never see that at Old Trafford, Old Trafford, much more class. This guy goes, the reason the cubicles were full was because everyone was doing coke. No one needs it. No one needs a cubicle at a football unless they're doing a key. You've seen it being done countless times. You just haven't realized it. And then this guy replies to that. He goes, he replies to the

thing where it says, No one needs a cubicle at the football game unless they're doing a key. This guy goes, I have IBS. Sometimes I just got to go. That guy. That's need to crap. Excuse me. But I think you'll probably feel pretty stupid when I tell you that I have irritable bowel syndrome That's how you win an argument yeah, I can't actually control what I should Somebody get out of here. I need to poop

This guy's like it's not a problem. I mean, maybe if the players are doing coke I would disagree with that I think the players doing coke would be fine to shout out to Robbie Fowler Robbie Fowler From Liverpool with the famous when he pretended to snort the lime like on the line Oh, yeah, really famous goal celebration from the 90s or 80s All right. I found this thing. I was interesting. I found it in a group I'm not gonna say the name of the group or anything, but it's a soccer story Okay, this is from Subreddit called J. Oh buddy stories

Jack off buddy me and my soccer buddies in a hot tub During the summer before my sophomore year in college I spent a lot of time with two buddies from my soccer team Jack was shorter than me maybe 510 and Kev was a taller six, one or so. We were all thin soccer builds. Most evenings we seemed to end up at Jack's house, a beautiful home in the middle of nowhere. Mostly we did stupid shit like drink monsters while watching the Blair

witch project or something. Holy shit. That's not stupid. That's not actually stupid at all. Uh, don't please don't. That's actually one of the coolest things I've ever heard drinking number of monster energy drinks Hey, hey, you're at the fridge grabbing another monster, you know

They said the people used to think this movie was real Yeah, I know the woman who is the girl. I know the girl. Oh, yeah Blair Witch project Oh my gosh you like do you know the I love that which one four times thinking it was real all four times yes she directed a pilot self-produced pilot up in Nevada City like weed country it was called THC the high country oh and I play it me it was me and Brent Weinbach and Ryan Singer. Oh nice. Oh Yeah, I love that movie. Is she the girl name. She was the girl Like the one that was the blammer corner. She was standing in the corner because I don't like scary stuff, but it was

She was standing in the corner girl, okay It's so funny me and my man me and my wife went inside movie so many times I was like, I can't believe how real it is and in the corner girl. Okay. It's so funny. Me and my me and me and my wife went saw the movie so many times. I was like, I can't believe how real it is. And in the news, they were like saying, it's not real. Yeah. And I was just like, I can't believe this fucking movie. And so we got to go watch it again. Made all of our friends go with us the second time. And they were like, what the fuck was like? They didn't like it, you know? And they maybe watched the news or whatever, or they, like, cause I think it's different if you can really suspend your disbelief

or be stupid enough to think it's actually real. Like, I don't want to say, I don't know which one you were Brian, but I would, I would say that it would be an incredible movie then at that point when you're like, oh shit, they found documentation of this, like, really fucked up experience that these kids had. Like that would be be really scary but one night after the house had fallen asleep we found some porn on late night HBO by the way hot wife tier on patreon.com slash guys podcasts we're gonna start watching real sex from HBO it was some terrible movie about a chick who fingers herself until she comes spiderbs only horny college boys would get turned on by it And we were like erotic fan fiction. So yes, it was J. Oh stories You have to understand is that like

Brian is like he has he's like a he'd oh kind of if you know he'd not him or whatever or like a lifestyle He's interested in this stuff So when it comes down to it, they always gonna find something to talk about sexual. This is where it gets good pretty soon We were comparing balls I've heard of comparing dicks, you know sizes, but I've never heard of comparing balls before like oh shit You got some hey Danny's got some real droopers in That mine were tight

Dropped Fuckers I ever seen you know like do really like look at this fucker over here He's got tight fuckers. Like, you know, they're like real Real like a straight guy trying to write like gay porno. It's like, oh, yeah, they they compare balls with each other. I guess Great erotic fiction It says what straight guys would imagine gay guys act like I ran my finger over the seam of his balls Much thicker than mine. He goes, looking back, I'm positive they were just as hard and throbbing as I was, though none of us would admit it.

So for the time being, we settled with fishing testicles out of our basketball shorts and hoarding our arms in just the right way to disguise our erections. I don't think if you're if you're if you're comparing balls I think you're gonna be able to tell I think person's hard that you're comparing. I think this guy's out of his mind. I think this this person yeah this person is not familiar with the sexual counseling. I don't think they've come out of the closet either. Yeah they could use some information I will say that if you're gonna go into this kind of thing It's like you know you can't get wet for men But you're hanging around your girlfriend and you're sliding left and right all over the cow It's like um I think you

Hey Advice on how to start more wet around guys Jack had the biggest balls I'd ever seen and they were shaved clean. Kels were smaller than mine but not by much and both of ours had a bit of hair. Then Jack asked if we'd ever tried putting our dicks in hot tub jets. We hadn't. So we stripped down naked and hopped in a tub in Jack's backyard, still shy. We all had pretty successfully hidden our goodies in the waddle to the jacuzzi. We got in and found our We hadn't. So we stripped down naked and hopped in a tub in Jack's backyard. Still shy. We all had pretty successfully hidden our goodies in the waddle to the jacuzzi.

We got in and found our respective jets. Jack was to my left and Kev was across from me. It was unreal. I almost came immediately, not just from the jets. They're sticking their dick in hot tub jets. It's so funny. That's a tiny hole. I remember that is also true.

I had a hot tub growing up, never stuck my dick in anything in the hot tub. Good. I think that's unsafe. He was not even interested. He was not, he was not interested in sticking his dick in anything though. That was the thing. If they, let me tell you, if the hot tub had some sort of big nipple on it, it would have been a different story.

He would have been suckling that all day and night. He had different interests at the time, Beth. That's all I'll say. He had a girlfriend who would have loved for him to try to get that dick involved, and he was just like, not interested. But at this point, we still had him. He's a nip guy, he's a nip,

and I'm sorry, we brought it up a few times. And we brought it up with Gareth Evans, and I apologize. I don't like to bring it up, to be honest. I try to avoid bringing it up because it embarrasses Brian, but it does seem to come up every now and then. I don't know. Brian's the one reading us erotic fan fiction. I love it. I love this stuff, though. It kills me. I remember Jack was in his own world against what must have been his favorite jet Kevin I went back and forth between trying out the Jets and just hanging out naked and hard in a hot tub I don't know where Kev thrusted his hips above the water and showed off his fully erect penis It was straight maybe a touch thinner than mine. So a very good-looking cock. He's really

Obsessed with like, you know the sizes, comparing the sizes of it. That's sort of the big thing. It was slightly thinner than mine, same length, balls a little bit bigger, his slightly smaller. I mean, this is really- But I can tell it had character and I wanted to get to know it better. Oh, you're gonna love this next line.

Let me give you a line here. Okay. Soon Jack and I followed suit. We commented warily about the differences. We were all pretty much the same size, six inches and cut. The balls were the real game changer. And I remember, I remember when Kev saw mine, he said that it looked fake. The balls were a real game changer here. Okay, this is really not, this is really poorly isn't this is really poorly written again. I think trick Yeah, it's a love letter from this guy

Yeah Yeah It's so much ball. I Listen, we've done over like a hundred and twenty something episodes and I've read every kind of erotic fiction Mm-hmm from Jeep guys to fuck it. You know what? I mean like all of it Yeah, and none of them ever talks about the balls as much as this guy talks about I've never Make seen anybody talk that much about the ball. I think everyone listening is like, of course The ball, you know, I mean, of course he's into the balls. This is a soccer guy.

Oh, yeah, that's true. We'll come maybe back to this. I want to tell some jokes before we get out of here. Oh, nice. Sometimes I got two comedians on here and I found twenty seven soccer jokes. So that are so totally in bounds. Come on, ref. That's funny. Why did everyone

steer clear of the striker in the game? Um, because he was offensive. Well, you kind of got it. You didn't get the right words because it says on the field. He was pretty offensive, but I got it. Nope. Yeah, get the word right. You're a comedian. You know, I'm part of the words are. Give it up, everyone. I got that right. You know, I got that right. This is good.

And by the way, I do want to shout out the guys fan who we got this sent to us and the guys fan who it was like nine people in a general knowledge quiz. I one of those YouTube videos. And the guy was wearing guys merchandise, a Flub Head t-shirt, and he fucking won the whole thing. Trivia? Yeah, he won trivia, Brian. He did what no one on guys has ever done,

and he won trivia on behalf of the guys podcast. Yeah, but this is verified. The difference between this one, Beth, is that we have video of this guy winning the trivia, whereas Brian was done all analog, and it's just word of mouth, and it's very much up for debate. And most people, I don't have a position on it,

but most people feel like he did not win the trivia. I won trivia, I went to trivia this week, and I had the worst time of all time. I hated it. You finished. My daughter kept saying, my daughter kept saying, what are you? Well, I don't know about that, Beth. I don't think he, I think he loses some of the loses some more.

My daughter was like, just go home if you're going to be like this. How old is she again? She's 21, 20 years old. So she's like, yeah, she's very cool. She's been on the podcast before. We love her. We love Asheron. All of her friends were there too. Her friends were there? All of them. I'm surprised she doesn't like it

when you talk to the mascot. Yeah, I mean, she doesn't like, she gets really, she loves, they have a great relationship, just to be clear. We've said it many times, they get along very well. Yeah, I can tell. And they do, they have, they really, but she gets very embarrassed by him as you can imagine

And he is a bit of a he can be a bit of a drag on On an evening if things are going badly or whatever I got I give real back like first of all that happened and then the next night Her and Katie my wife were texting each other at the baseball game because they had different seats than us. It just just so happened that we're in the same sort of area. He doesn't see the the thing is, he's like, he needs the special best seat. So even if there's only a few of them there, then he has to get those and his wife has to sit somewhere else.

So they're texting in there. They do this. They do this hot dog race in the sixth inning where you're supposed to bet on which hot dog wins. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. It's just a fun little thing. They've been doing it forever with a different variation of text. They're texting each other.

They're like, which one are you going to pick? That's cute. And then I replied, it's all a work. It doesn't even matter. They both thumbs downed it. So yeah, of course, being a little buzzkill. Yeah. They both thumbs downed it so fast. Yeah, of course. They were being a little buzzkill.

Yeah, that's his favorite, a little buzzkill, buzzkill, Brian. The trivia pissed me off because it was music. And? What was the answer that you didn't get? They would play a piece of a song. They played like the beginning of a song or something. And you had to guess it. Right, right, like two seconds. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, here's the thing.

Most of it was new music. I would never know what was juice world songs. I was like, well, I don't listen to juice world. Don't know that I know. R.I.P. Juice world. R.I.P. Juice world's actually passed away.

And in the next one, the next one, something else like new, just very like imagine dragons type stuff. And I was like, fuck, I'll never answer this. And then. They're like, this is our next category, and I'm sitting in a seat with my wife, one of her friends, one of my daughter's parents, one of my daughter's friends, parents, we're all sitting there, we're getting excited, everybody's drinking except for me. And they're not your friends, just to be clear your daughters your daughters friends parents, but not friends of yours No, not really and they go this next category

New metal. Oh As you could tell he's wearing a slipknot, I mean he's a slipknot it's not new metal but he's Are they new metal? They're considered up. I jumped up and was like that. And then I got one wrong. It was so embarrassed. Oh, what was it more embarrassed? It was, it was going under by evanescence, which I should have gotten. I've heard it a million fucking times. I know the song. I would have got that one, but I thought they were messing around and they were playing fly leave So I picked fly leave this guy gets all in his head about

No, that's the obvious answer. It's like they're probably fucking trying to like yeah You've got you thought way too hard about it guy. Everybody was depending on me in that moment You know what? I mean? That yeah, it was your category. Yeah. Yes, and you have to hit the button on the thing and then hit submit. And it's just like, it's a speed thing.

I hate speed stuff too. Unless I'm on Coke, I hate speed stuff. Okay, but you haven't done Coke in a while. I know I should. So yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one wrong, but boy did I keep up my end of the deal? I mean these songs I just got him in like a set but you were nailing the rest of them You're saying but then you guys didn't win though. No, we came in 12th. My daughter's team won. Whoa

What? Yeah, so you usually play music you usually play with your daughter and You guys very rarely if ever win and now you're saying she dropped the dead weight that is you you finished in 12th and her team finished in first place she did finish in first place and I did finish in 12th how many how many teams are there be honest like a lot 40 that's not bad yeah thank you that's not how do birds cheer for their favorite soccer teams? um

Wait, wait, wait, they do they tweet tweet about it. No, they egg them on That's stupid. That's fucking stupid. Why is it always warmer after a soccer game? Because a lot of the players are extremely hot because they brought the heat because all the fans have left. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're locked inside a car with nothing but a soccer ball.

How do you get out? You throw you smash the soccer ball through the windows. You kick out the windows. Smash actually unlock the door ball through the windows. You kick out the windows Actually unlock the door and pull the handle That's the stupidest thing so that is it was like the thing that I was it was the stupid sort of and then finally We got this page. I told Chris I had 200 plus soccer is pick up lines Funny dirty romantic and so this is soccer is really is pickup lines, funny, dirty, romantic. And so this is soccer is really. So here's a list of pickup lines. Hey, with you by my side, every day feels like a winning goal and extra time.

I hate it. Yeah, I love it. I love the end of the show, bringing the jokes and everybody's like, Fuck, people are reading it. I must be offside because I've fallen for you faster than the lineman's flag lines, man says lineman Lineman would be like somebody and like on the line. It's a linesman I'm sure I got that wrong Our our passion I love this one our connection is stronger than the most passionate soccer rivalry. But wait, the Columbus crew and the flirt flurries.

No, I said the Vancouver White Sox, the Vancouver White Sox. The Vancouver White Sox. The Vancouver White Sox. The Vancouver White Sox. It's so good for the Vancouver White Caps. Now we know. Now we know what our, one of our next merch is, thing is going to be. No, we can't. We'll get sued by the White Sox.

By the Vancouver White Sox? Yeah, we'd get sued by, we'd do a, you're saying doing a logo of the Vancouver White Caps to make it the Vancouver, Vancouver White Sox. Yeah, we'd get sued, but we would do it. You're saying doing a logo of the Vancouver White Cows would make it the Vancouver. Thank you, Herbert. I think Vancouver White Girls. Yeah, yes. Vancouver White.

Vancouver White guys is all right, too. Yeah, yeah. I promise to support this. I said this one to my wife last night. I promised to support you like the most dedicated soccer fan in both victories and defeats Huh? Yes

Our love is like a soccer match under the lights magical and exciting That's the end that's Riz. That's the end of the show. It's called Riz. It's called Riz Yeah, I have a stepson Me too, and he's always heard of Riz? Yeah, I have a stepson. Me too. And he's always talking about Riz. My daughter. And Skibbity Toilet. How old?

How old? About to be 12. Awesome. 11 year old kids are just like talking about Riz all the time, eh? What the heck, and Skibbity Toilet and Ohio. Yeah, that whole Ohio thing, it's like, yeah, hey, don't talk about Ohio.

You don't know nothing about your room. Shut the fuck up. Is that your parenting style as the stepmom? That's cool. Get back in your room where I put you 12 years ago. Beth, I want to thank you for coming on. Very. It was very fun to have you. I'm glad I got to meet you, Brian. Also, this is, I think, maybe in history, the first podcast I've ever done laying down. Wow.

Hey, you did great. Did you notice I was lying down the entire time? A couple times I had to move. I only noticed when you got up. How'd it work out? You know what? I got scared at one point in time that I was going to, I don't know, Louis CK you guys,

or expose myself, because I'm wearing know, Louis CK you guys or expose myself because I'm wearing shorts. You know what I mean? Like I moved and it feels inappropriate even though obviously I have clothes on. Yeah. I was the podcast. I was the podcast with Beth and then we're just like, ooh, do not ask. She Louis CK'd us. She gave us the, well, it was actually going super well until she gave us the full CK treatment. And yeah, we'll be publishing an article about it. Well, yeah, and she's given us this me and Chris are comparing. I'm just like, yeah, we're trying to be respected.

Talking about Hawker. Keep keep talking. Brian, Brian and I are doing the normal thing we do on every podcast where we compare the size of our balls. or the normal thing we do on every podcast where we compare the size of our balls. And then she. And then she. Yeah. Beth started asking you how thick the seam was. Beth, where, you're a standup comedian.

Where can people find you? You could go to bethstelling.com. That has two dates. You know, I'm gonna be in Toronto. I think it actually is holiday weekend for them, for the the Canadians, but wait, is that July July? Oh Then maybe I'm wrong. I feel like the club maybe misled me on that because they were like, oh it might be our holiday Let me see. Yeah, but yeah, we were in Toronto actually We did a couple of live shows in Spokane this weekend, but I'm not sure when this comes out No, I'm coming by this is the way this, but I'm not sure when this comes out.

No, it doesn't come out. By the way, this guy operates, you'll be lucky it comes out before... No, there's one episode. Fine. So I'll be in Toronto June 27th through 28th, but I don't know if that's... If you still need more time, Pittsburgh, July 24th. No, no, this will be out for that. This will be out for the Toronto one.

Great. June 27th through 28th. Oh, yeah, yeah, have a lot of because the last episode we have is June 17th. We had a lot of listeners in Toronto. We do know that. Like I said, we went and did live shows in Toronto, so we know there's a lot of Toronto listeners. So go check out. I would love to see you guys come out to the comedy bar. Yeah, bet bet. Friday and Saturday. Oh, the comedy bar is the best place to watch comedy in Toronto.

I didn't actually perform there because they said no., then it's not they didn't say no they didn't have the dates That's all they just didn't have the dates. That's all that was all that it was but yeah, no comedy bar Rocks we did a rock and roll club, you know We're kind of like an alternative act a little bit best so we kind of did it out like an alternative sort of venue But yeah, no, honestly bet There's a very funny stand-up. Yeah, a lot of you probably know already But if you don't check her out and then yeah go watch her live in Toronto, please do I would love to see you I got specials on Netflix HBO Max. I got a new one coming July 2nd to Veebs

It's called the landlord special Looking I just want to say that you'll know if anybody from the podcast does show up They will be the ones with the pineapple signs Making a lot of comments yelling to please other people shut you can go About the size of their ball sacks Beth show and if you guys could just so that she knows that you're there if you could yell out things that make no sense to her That are references for the podcast that would really help us out a lot I think you to talk about your ball sack with me

Let's compare balls. Hey That's live show the next live show. I did magic on the last one And then I also tasted coffee on the last one. We drank cat poo coffee. We drank the cat poo coffee that the cats never. Yeah, a cat eats the coffee and it craps it out and then they clean the crap off of the coffee beans and then you drink expensive coffee. It's the most expensive coffee in the way. It's like a real delicacy.

So why? Who? No, I don't like they say I'm sorry. Was it good or no? No, it tastes like coffee. I didn't get any anything out. So we did that. But I did appreciate though is that it was at least it was coffee flavored. Nowadays, you can't even find coffee flavored coffee.

OK, all these liberals. And finally, finally, next time the open of the show is going to be me and Chris comparing balls and we will see you later. Goodbye everybody. Bye. Sweet. Okay. You can stop there.