Guys: With Bryan Quinby - Guys: Episode 151 - Christmas "Guys" with Gavin Matts

Episode Date: December 23, 2025

We had our friend stand up comedian Gavin Matts on the show this week for the yearly Christmas "Guys" episode. We looked at how swingers figure out who to send cards to, checked in on some satanic guys, a truly great paranormal guy, read a few great riffs, some movie reviews and talked a bit about santa's penis There is more Chris at https://www.patreon.com/notevenashow And for more Guys content, streams and SHOCKTOBER: a deep dive into shock jocks you can click patreon.com/guyspodcast, Join us on the Sunday Night Stream every Sunday night at 8:00 EST at twitch.tv/notevenashowand I am on https://bsky.app/profile/murderxbryan.bsky.social  Guys is on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/guys.pod Guys has a Post Office Box now! PO Box 10769 Columbus Ohio 43201

Welcome to guys, the podcast about guys. We just take a quick second to let people feel the Christmas spirit. It is the show that's coming out on December 23rd, which is in America two days before Christmas. Hey, you seem to have a real fundamental misunderstanding of holidays. We have mostly all the same. It's just basically Thanksgiving that is where it's a different day. But ho, ho, ho as well. And welcome to the holiday edition.

guys yeah well I don't know what time when you guys do Christmas but we're doing it on the American calendar I would say and our guest this week we always like to have somebody like that's been on a few times and he's one of our favorite guys Gavin Matt's hi Gavin hey hey I'm a bit of a hybrid you know because I live in New York City and but I'm Canadian originally you're probably just gonna stay in New York and celebrate and then fly to Canada on can Canadian Christmas I actually only celebrate a Christmas in July. Oh, okay, that's a good Christmas.

That is a strong Christmas. Is that a cocaine reference? Yeah, I like to do a little Christmas in July. It's not a cocaine. Well, I mean, it is a code. It could be. What is it a reference to? You know what I saw?

Can I tell you guys? Can you tell me when it's a reference to please, Brian? A sale. Oh, okay. They do those stupid sales in July, Christmas in July. Oh, I see. Okay. All right.

You know what I saw yesterday? I'll tell you guys, we didn't just start the show here with a little bit of Christmas spirit. I couldn't get any, I didn't get any posts out of it, but I was looking for posts on feet, foot fetish websites just on subredits. And one of the ones that I thought was so fucking funny was a woman with her, with her sitting like sitting on the floor with her foot up and she had those, you know, those things, those like cheese grater you use on your foot.

No. You know what I'm talking about, Gavin. They're like, it's not a cheese grater, but it's a thing to get the like, I never, I never use them on myself. It's always a tiny woman who does it to me. Oh, you, you go, you go get a pedicure and they'll use it. They'll do it at a pedicure. Yeah.

And then I'm, and they have to actually like strap me in like Hannibal style. And then they, and then they, because I'll otherwise I tweak out, you know, I might It sounds like you're trying to make it sound like super hardcore and tough your pedicures. But I mean, you but you are getting pedicures. I didn't know you were doing that. It is. It's basically like BDSM to me. I don't like that.

It's nice. That I do. Okay. You really have become kind of a Hollywood guy. Sorry, Brian, continue. So this lady's sitting on the floor and she's doing the thing with her feet. And she was like, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Merry Christmas.

And she had this. the dead skin on the 400 foot. And all these guys were like, oh, I'd love to just lick that up. Oh, that's like beyond even. Like I find foot fetish stuff disgusting. We've discussed it on the on the show. We didn't, I hated it.

It was the most disgusting episode. But that's like, that's so disgusting to me. You know what I mean? That's like dandruff level. Like that's like so gross to be turned on by that. And I apologize for kink shaming that. Well, I mean, it's, it is what it is. you know.

I apologize for kink shaming the people who get horny for the flaky skin fucking coming off of the bottom of someone's foot. But that's too far for me. I went to our slash swingers, of course. This is where we go. And they posted a good meme. You guys remember your e-cards or some e-cards, those memes? I can show you a picture of it.

Okay. Please. Yeah, because I don't remember it as soon as you see it. Right? Oh, yeah. I do. I do, I remember that it was just a meme format. It's like a drawing of something and it's sort of like, yeah.

This actually, when the e-cards started to come out, this actually wrecked my family because, you know, a lot of my family, they're working in the, uh, in the business of writing hallmark cards. So, so then once anybody was able to write an e-card, it, uh, yeah, we started to have a couple bad Christmases. That was kind of like our factories closing or like AI, uh, now are you doing one of your Hollywood are you doing one of it or is this a real thing because I yeah it's kind of like the first time like AI affected like jobs you know so the they they kind of outsourced e cards to everybody and then you know my family we kind of went into the red because that's how we made they made all my parents made their money Charlie just slammed Charlie is

slamming into the door right now of the office like just slamming in you gotta ignore like I know you don't understand how loud it is I it sounded like somebody like somebody was trying to storm into my like the police had arrived or something with a battle right there and tell him that he just interrupted my bit yeah hey hey charlie gavin was in the middle of a pre-prepared bit i didn't care yeah yeah didn't care well the the meme i have here says when you said bring a dish to pass i assume you met my wife and that you were hosting a swingers party which by the way i'm going to critique this a little bit i'm I have never heard bring a dish to pass as being like a way to say bring a dish.

Bring a dish to pass. Yeah, I guess just to pass around. But that does, that is a little confusing. I've never heard that language. But I don't go to a lot of dinner parties. So I'm not really sure. Gavin seems like he would go to more dinner parties. Would that be something you'd see?

So do you think Santa excuses cheating on account of his infidelity? Or do you think like he kind of like you go to an audience? list for that. Well, yeah. There's an unbelievable song written about something he did to my family. And that was because my mom was stressed because

of, you know, the E-cards took out. You're going to stick with the E-cards one? You're going to stick with that as like the thing that you come back to, the E-cards one? No, I might switch it up. Okay. Well, here comes the horny men

off that post. First guy goes, if only we've been invited to that kind of party next guy goes what a blast that would be so are these people who have never been they've never been they're how they are when somebody post something about fucking their wife they're all like oh yeah it's true even if they have I always wonder that like the guy's commenting are they guys who are like in the lifestyle and they're or they're just guys who are at home like jerking off to the ideas of somebody being in the lifestyle probably a bit of both maybe this guy goes that Santa Claus smirk he knows what's on Santa Claus knows what's up Santa should not be like horny like I actually

do not get horny and stressful situations which I assume it delivering a present to everybody in the world is stressful I'm like how is this guy getting hard right now you know he wouldn't it's true and he he honestly he doesn't strike me as a sexual figure to me he's asexual right he's like he serves a different to me I don't know he serves a few he just go to he's web like he serves a different purpose

in this world he has a different calling than sex you know he's like he's he did that when he was younger but he's like he's also keep in mind he's an older guy right he's like very he's an elderly man now right and why doesn't miss clause have kids like they do they need to do IVF

like what's going on with that that's long past is my point that's long past is my point the kids are out the elves are their kids oh she can't wait well That's the Lord. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Santa Claus and Miss Claus fuck all the time. And she gets pregnant and she gives birth the triplet elves every time she's done.

And she's still doing. Wait, wait, triple it elves? Yeah, he's trying to account for the large numbers. He's trying to account for the large numbers here. Do you, are elves born normal sized or do they just kind of slip right? I mean, I'm not really sure. This next person goes, my wife, this last guy goes, my wife is on kick flirting with a large cocked man from the next town over.

It's our first sexual experience with another couple. She told him she'd love to be filled up by him. She's soaking wet and has flushed cheeks. That guy's lying and horny. That's so makes me puke. And the fact that these guys always say my wife and never say her name, it's so weird. Like I'd be like, you know what I mean? They're like, yeah, I want to pass my wife around.

I'm like, I want to pass around Lauren, you know? Why do they never say her name? It's strange. It's disrespectful in a way. I think in some circumstances she didn't exist. These are single guys who are doing a classic single guy move of like because it's very easy online to pretend to not be a single guy and you can be like, hey, let's all discuss all of our sex that we have with everybody and then they get all the stories for people,

but they don't have a wife. Yeah, that's kind of sad. It is like a guy who was like, oh yeah, my girlfriend goes to another school, but now they're grown up. Yeah, learn. They're like, get to. My wife, we love doing with my wife. Yeah, they're all single guys.

We discuss them all the time. It's a big issue in the pineapple lifestyle. They're like a huge problem. And yeah, they have all kind of stories and stuff. And they'll tell you all kind of lies. And you can get tricked by a single guy. Like some of them are super clever. And like they will do all kind of things to make you think they're not single.

Yeah. This next one is weird. This was another weird post. This is from a year ago. Mm-hmm. But it is if you're a swinger, here's a little bit of advice for you. Once a year, I don't know why they

open with 99, but it goes once a year, it's not a bad idea to go through your lifestyle contacts and reevaluate who you want to stay in contact with. We typically send a Merry Christmas text message and see if we get a response. We have a cell phone number for everyone we've ever met. So this is a real good, it's kind of a cool end of the year thing though, right?

For a swinger, they're just like, okay, let's go through the swing or roll. We send out some Christmas greetings and all of a sudden, boom, new year comes around. We got some dates. We know we're meeting up. Well, I don't think that because they go, John sends them around as he typically is the one in contact with everyone. First, he eliminates the couples he does not remember. Old age, but lack of interest in our part or either part.

Maybe we tried to set up something, but it went nowhere. Then anyone with no phone number. Examples of positive responses we got this year was. Merry Christmas, you filthy animal. Can't wait to see you next year. A sexy pick, a fun pick. Examples, Merry Christmas, you filthy animal. You.

And negative responses. Oh, they got no response. Yeah. Ghosted. Who the hell are you? We are not in the lifestyle anymore. Oh. Finally, sorry, but we're in the middle of a divorce.

Oh. We're not in your life. lifestyle anymore must be like oh man you know when you're like wow that was such a huge mistake we made to try that shit out then you're getting like together yeah this message this text message from this fucking old nasty couple that you mistakenly had a sexual interaction with and they're like merry christmas sweeties and you're like oh it's it's one thing to make a mistake on your own but to to make a mistake as a couple is tough yeah yeah Yeah. That's like two heads are better than one and you're like, we both mess that up. We're both. Yeah. We both don't know what we want.

It is like when my wife. So I quit smoking on New Year's Eve one year. Like at midnight, I just was like, I'm never going to smoke another cigarette again. And one month, my wife was like, yeah. So New Year's Day. Fair enough. Yeah. Well, I smoked a cigarette 10 minutes before it was.

midnight. So my wife goes, my wife goes, my wife goes, I'm not ready to do that. I don't think I'm going to be quitting. It's just not for me. And I go, fine, you don't have to quit. And she's like, give me a month and I'll quit. And that's what I think it is. It's like one, you're like, we quit smoking. We don't, we don't swing anymore. And then a guy comes in and says, do you swing? And you're like, no. And so the person that's asking, the swinger side of it is kind of like, Like, oh man, that kind of makes me feel bad about what I'm doing. Yeah, I would feel like, yeah, I would think when someone quit something and then you're still doing it and you're like. Yeah, like in anything, right?

Yeah, like drinking like, yo, buddy, let's go fucking, you want to rip some fucking cocaine in July? Like, you know, it's July 13th. Let's go hit some cocaine. And it's like, I don't actually. That's Christmas though. Like, I don't do cocaine anymore. And it is really about anything like like that is really kind of like. Fuck, man.

Cocaine is for success. You can only do cocaine if you're successful. And rich. Or you're with your successful friends. Or you. Yeah. But it's so hard these days doing cocaine and being cool because you got to test it. You know, it's like, it's like having unprotected sex.

They're like, are you tested? You know, it's like, oh, you just killed the whole vibe. So anyway, this person goes, all of our active contacts start with a you. Inactives move to W. Both letters are not often used for last names. For example, a person with an SDC profile such as sluts 2045 goes from you slut 2045 to W slut 2045. The awful experience is a rated DNF. So it would be DNF Sluts 2045, as in do not fuck.

Then we add a suffix, B for bisexual, S for straight, 8C for a native. This is so, man, oh man. What are you, are you even horny? Are you just interested in fucking statistics and data? I mean, this is too complicated for me. How are you even thinking about this stuff when you're in the lifestyle? This guy goes, my wife sends out Christmas cards to people for this very reason. We're the Houdini couple.

We basically, we just tend to vanish. It's her way of letting a lot of vanilla friends and distant family know we're still alive. I'm going to get her to do a lifestyle contact cleanup this week, headed into 2024, when we intend to be more active. And finally, this guy goes, uh, we need to check back in with them. I look, did we need to see how that's a good point. That was 2024. That's a bit of two years ago.

So I really get active. I need to see it where they swing. I doubt it. And finally, this guy goes, we do everything by email. We give an give and a 10 party. So the list cleaning is sort of automatic.

There's a field for phone numbers in the spreadsheet. But we don't have phones on everybody. Likewise with last names. The list is separated into four parts. Active 77. Inactive slash quit 10. Deceased. 15. They have 15 disease.

Swing, like, look, this is not, does it not sound like Christmas to me? Like, swinging is too restrictive. It's so like boomer, you know, and I hate saying that, but it's like just be in an open relationship and fuck if you want, you know, like that's Christmas to me. Yeah, that's, oh, no pressure. You're putting a lot of pressure. And that's a bad thing around Christmas, you know, a lot of pressure, you know, like maybe your family, they lose all their jobs because of the E cards, you know what I mean? It cuts them out of the Homer. And then, and then, and then, and then, and then there's fighting. you know what I mean. I have to send out a fucking, like an apology note or something about the e-cards thing.

Well, we're going to move. What are you talking about? It's not even like a, it's just like a, why are you getting? It's just my life, man. Like, I don't know why you're like picking it apart. Like, sorry, it makes you sad. Yeah, it was really fucked up. Just try another one.

Just try a different. Try like two more. Just tried a different one, a different one. New guys, we haven't covered on Christmas guys episode yet because we just covered them this year. So let's get to a new kind of guy. They're satanic guys. You're going to imagine they're going to have thoughts about Christmas.

Oh, yeah, because it's, it is technically a religious holiday. Celebrating anti-Christmas with my dad's family and Christmas with my mom's family, such as having divorced parents. Well, I don't think it's just, that's not the same for every divorce. I had divorced parents as well. We just both, we've celebrated Christmas at both of them. Wait, your dad wasn't satanic at all? dad was not a Satanist when I came to know him.

I don't know what he did like when he was earlier in his life. My dad. My ex satanist. My ex satanist dad. He had kind of like, you know, he had kind of like vibes. Like yeah, he could have been. You know, I know he used to do drugs and drink pretty heavy and stuff. And listen to like.

Yeah. You know, he was during that time and stuff. So like, let's be honest. If your parents are of that age, I can relate to that. That could happen to them. I can relate to that. No. It even happened.

to my parents after the whole e-cart started puffed off this guy goes well my dad absolutely hates christianity jesus and god and just christmas in general so he celebrates his own black anti-christmas i honestly don't know if other whoa no it's this guy has an anti-black no black and i'm yeah yeah he's dark the darkness of it this guy's got a dark heart he is it's a dark heart he is it's really interesting because I think a lot of people who aren't religious still celebrate Christmas. You know what I mean? Like you have to be a real. Yeah.

Like I'm not religious. I celebrate Christmas. I guess, but this guy's a Satanist. Well, I would say a Jewish friend of mine sent me an ornament, a Christmas tree ornament for this week. Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly.

There are people who have like exactly. It was a palmerian. Oh, because you guys have a palm. That's very cute. But yeah, so they obviously have like a different celebration at the time. And a lot of them still celebrate and appreciate it.

But these Satanists. I was satanic for a period of time. Look, look, a lot of Christians, you know, they believe that you're a Satanus if you believe in black Santa. Is, is Brian? Dark Santa. Brian, you're a Satan. You are a Satanist. I'm an atheist, but I was a state.

No, he's an anti-black Christmas guy. No, I'm a Satanist. I was a Satanist in 10th grade. like when I was in 10th grade I found out that I had this teacher who's really religious and I was like well I'm satanic just to like driver crazy you know what I mean but I did like the idea of being a satanic guy you know what I mean like but you would never you would never be like

yeah you would never have like even during that time you still would have like done Christmas well yeah because you get presents for Christmas yeah that's what it's all about and really let's be honest it's everybody knows this it's not the religious aspect of christmas has been stripped out of it obviously and at its best it's like a celebration or just a chance to spend time with family and then at worst it's like you know obviously a uh commercialized holiday where you're meant to buy a bunch of shit from stores but it's not really the religious side of it is not really a big aspect of it so anyway he goes i honestly don't know if i was

people do anti-Christmas i just know for him it was something he made up as a satanist to cope with all the christmas shit going on that he hated with a passion i don't think it's a real satanic holiday or if it is i have no idea most christmas stuff would be inverted or turned upside down and the house will be decked out in black instead of the christmas tree we have an alter to baffamette where we would put presents my friends who are witches also celebrate anti-christmas as well oh cool the witch a it's not just the witch are here as well. That's cool to fill the party out a little bit because it can't be that many Satanists around you right. So it's like, oh, we got the witches in the corner. They're doing their

thing. A couple of, you know, I mean, and there's different types of Satanists. But I think for that type of a party, you got to get the umbrella big and just let anybody in who is against Christmas, right? But my absolute favorite was eating yummy food while watching horror movies and cuddling up with my dad and siblings on the couch are beating an upside down inverted Santa Penaata. And on the presents, he would always put from Satan instead of from Santa. That's funny. It's easy. Well, if you switch the letters around. Yeah, it's an anagram.

I didn't even notice that. That's kind of cool. Hey, Gavin, that's kind of cool. Yeah, it is. I didn't always say Satan, Santa. And but it seems like, hey, I'm going to be honest. If you, if you're getting together around the holidays and the one thing is you just don't like what the holidays called it still kind of seems like you like holidays and being around people and

experiencing joy and having yummy food and watching movies it kind of seems like you like Christmas. No, but you need to. But you know, but you know, but you know, mad about like, like, listen, I, I am, uh, what's the word? I'm sympathetic to their cause in a way where it's like, you know, not everything has to be religious. You know what I mean? But it isn't.

That's what I'm saying. But Gavin, I think what they're saying is they don't, hey, yeah, you get a lot. you're watching it's a wonderful life or miracle on 34th Street yeah i think we'll be watching fucking nightmare on elm street yeah so that's i think they they this is somebody who's like gothic kind of right do you have dreams uh because i actually have nightmares all exactly okay that's not a titanic thing into the nightmare they don't like nightmares over there oh they like to have nice beautiful dreams and then they're like oh i'm fuck i had a good dream again i hate that I mean, everybody wants to have good dreams.

I'm going to tell you, I just think this person goes, holy crap, that's amazing. If you don't mind, I want to start borrowing that tradition. Then he goes, I'm also stealing this. Your dad sounds awesome. Merry anti-Christmas. And then here's a last reply to this one. Sounds like your dad's awesome. Instead of Christmas, making a blasphemous holiday.

Ha-ha. That's a good idea. Plus, Jesus, in my opinion, is a fictional character. And even if he was real, he wasn't born in December. Constantine made the holiday December 25th to try and overpower paganism and do away with it. I love that. I'll bet you if you're related to this guy, you've heard about Constantine a few times. Yeah.

People in his circle are well educated on Constantine. Here's a really good one too. This is from R slash Satan. And I want to show you guys this because I think it's good. Christmas dinner. Hey, I may be a non-believer, but food and family matter. And he's got some ham. I think he's got some eggs for some reason.

Is he in a wheelchair? Of course he's not a believer. I don't think he's in a wheelchair. He's in a chair chair. Maybe. I don't know. I can't tell. He goes,

this guy goes family, food, fun, and them and fuck anyone who tries to argue with you about it. And he goes, the OPEs like, I had three more glasses and gnaug all as well. Hmm. I hate eggnog guys.

I do too. And then it's next time goes, yay, verily, the infernal blessing has been visited upon thee. I had to work from 6.30 p.m. Christmas Eve to 6.30 a.m. Christmas morning. Then do that same 12-hour overnight shift again from the 25th to the 26th. I implore you, Warlock Luthold, to bestow an infernal blessing upon a boxing day gnaug and imbibe it in my stead. Embive it in my stead. Embive it in my stead, everybody. That's a good, that's a nice guy's phrase for the holidays I may not be there with you but imbib it in my stead

I'm right in my stead do you know what imbibe is Gavin are you familiar with imbiving no I heard I heard vibe no imbibe imbibe means to to drink it's the way whiskey guys are like a real refined whiskey guy instead of drinking he will imbibe on some whiskey of course yeah so that's what he's referring to there yeah This is a kind of guy who that was a very chive like kind of post.

Well, we're moving to. We're going to move to paranormal guys and I think I found a really good post from the paranormal guys. Okay. Today I'm going to be writing about my one and only paranormal experience. Some might pass this off as silly and obviously fake, but it seems that this same occurrence or other similar ones have happened to other people.

I've reached out to multiple people with similar posts on Reddit to see if they can send to me sharing the same post. They will be linked down below, as well as some articles I have found online about similar situation. My story takes place when I was eight, maybe nine. I was still a believer in Santa at the time. Therefore, my dad would make me sleep in his room, so I would not be getting up and peeping around at the gifts or trying to catch Santa in the act. As most children, I couldn't sleep from all the excitement in the air and Christmas Eve. I heard the classic call of Santa saying the name of all the reindeer, then wishing a Merry Christmas.

obviously I jumped up from my pile of blankets and looked out the window I didn't see Santa but I did see these glowing golden lights almost like twinkling electricity and then a sound of wind I looked at my dad was still in bed of sleep and we were the only ones there so I don't know who else it could have been so let me I have a thought I have a thought on who it could have been well it's I think kind of obvious who it could have been this is an adult by the way This is an adult now. All I heard was there a bunch of moaning. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, but I see these glowing golden lights, almost like twinkling electricity and then a sound of wind. I looked at my dad was still in bed asleep and we're the only ones there.

So I don't know who else it could have been. I don't remember anything else of that night. I obviously fell asleep afterwards, but I do remember telling the rest of my family on Christmas morning, then the neighborhood kids. At age 13, obviously, when I knew the truth. about Santa. I had a strange experience where I was still up at midnight and I heard my door open. I quickly pulled the blankets over my head and pretended to be asleep. Then I felt a tug at the blanket, but I kept my eyes closed the whole time. I had not heard any footsteps, but I felt like

it was Santa and I wasn't supposed to be seeing this. I did not see anything just the feeling. So this guy also saw Santa as an adult. Oh, when he's so that sort of because it's like when you're So, yeah, okay, 13, but you're a little bit more aware than when you're a teenager of what's going on and you know about Santa and stuff. And so at that point, he once again felt the presence of Santa. Yeah. So I mean, is there, I mean, I don't know. I might sound kooky here, but like, what was at them, right? I don't know.

Exactly. He says, now let's talk of what this could all be. The most obvious thing could be just active imaginations of children. I don't think so. I think it was saying. But let's hear the other ones. Which very likely could be true. I'm still told that I'm an imaginative person.

I've also seen the theory that it could be filler memories. One's replacing other events. Often you see these with trauma or even some say alien abductions. That brings us to the point some believe these are aliens or other beings, taking the form of something familiar and non-threatening such as Santa Claus. Okay, so let's skate over the trauma thing really quickly. Santa's pretty... I mean, we'll get past the trauma thing.

Santa's pretty alien to me, you know? I... Because he's such a nice guy. I feel like... I feel like the idea, I think there was the important part there was like the trauma thing probably, and then they move past that really quickly, and then they're like, but let's get on to what it probably really is, the aliens, and let's talk about that in death. The aliens that turn into Santa Claus when they come down on Christmas Eve.

I guess you've never heard of a shapeshifter. That's actually one of the most common. Yeah, one of the most common types of alien. Okay, if Santa is an alien, how come I never got the ray gun that I asked for? Yeah. They don't actually have that technology. That's just from movies.

I mean, Santa is an alien seems like a good, good choice. A theory that I personally find super interesting is that, is that of a Tulpa that so many people believe in the one thing they manifest the spirit to come alive for the night let me know your thoughts below there are many other posts on reddit twitter and the youtube comments on the santa claus sighting videos are hot spots for more sightings so uh there you go i mean santa claus sightings is a little bit of an iffy one because he's just kind of a bigger guy with a big white beard so well in a sleigh in the

sky you know what i think if he is an alien that actually complicates him kissing my mom you know maybe some kind of alien hybridization type theory. And he actually goes around spreading his seed until, you know, eventually we're all aliens. He kisses a different mom every night. Santa's asexual. No, he only kisses on the 25th. He's actually asexual 100% and he doesn't kiss and he serves a higher purpose.

And if you actually took his pants down, he doesn't actually even have a penis. He does, he has big penis. and when he oh wait a second you so you're sure it's big why look at them i don't know man the way he walks the way he carries himself no but i don't know man i don't know if you're seeing kind of like a big old guy like that they usually don't got a big one man no guys with big belts always big thick belts you have a big cock that everyone knows that yeah because you're keeping it in the belt you got it up and it's also yeah and the pants he's wearing they're like loose you know i don't want to be

disrespectful, but I genuinely think Santa might have a micro, like, or a little bit bigger than a micro, but like a, like a nubber, like a full nut, like just a number, Hitler, it just came out. Hitler has a micro penis. So you think that Santa's basically Hitler? No, I don't. I think that, I know, I don't think that that's an accurate thing to say at all. I think that two different people can have micro penises and one can be a very wonderful person who happen to have a micro penis and one could be a very evil person who happened to have a micro penis. Everyone I've ever heard about that has a micro penis is like a bad guy. And Santa's like, good spirit

listening right now, who have a micro penis? I want to talk directly to you. You are not a bad person. You are seeing. Admit it. Yeah, that's fine. They're listening and they know when you're not a bad person, but I do believe Santa has a small penis. Casey Affleck, micro penises.

I don't think Casey Affleck has a small penis. No, look, I'm Hollywood. Yeah, Gavin is. He's like goes to Hollywood parties. He's probably seen his dick or something. So I got to believe him. Casey Affleck, I was in a movie with him. as a small penis. We know a website where they talk about,

they talk about maybe Casey Affleck, but it's mostly musicians, Gavin, you got to see it, whether it's like groupies, talk about, you know, having sex with how big the penis was of each rock star or whatever.

It's a very interesting website. And Lars is annoying. Lars, yeah, Lars from Metallica is a normal size penis, but is very annoying. It's what the people said who hooked up with them. Okay, here we go.

This is from R slash ramp. Plus, we have a rant guy coming up here in a second. But this one is, twas the night before Christmas, went all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse until the Trump-loving self-addored neighbors decided to set off fireworks. This is a holiday about being kind and thinking of others sleeping soundly and patiently until morning for Santa Claus. Instead, the whole house is awake and the dogs having a panic attack. Sure, we can put in earplugs, but that doesn't help the dog and why. these aren't pretty fireworks no no they're just intended to be loud and annoying

fuck you you redneck motherfuckers I don't know why you gotta make it political but fireworks I think are fucking I hate fireworks too I mean I'm not a fan of fireworks what if you what if you hit uh freaking Santa with one of those well oh good point actually you're claimed to be such a huge fan of Christmas and yet you're shooting fucking rockets up into the sky where your boy is flying around Yeah, that's going to mess with the flight path. That could mess with the rainier. At the very least, at the very least, it messes with the flight path.

And it's, and it could potentially kill one of these reindeer that you're singing about every year as if you're their best friends. And then what's going to happen? Vince Vaughn is going to have to be Santa then. Fred Claus. All he thinks about is Hollywood now that he's in Hollywood. He's a Hollywood guy. Yeah. Fred of Claus, they called him.

That's my daughter's favorite Christmas movie. Fred Claus. Yeah. Uh, here we go. Here we go. I'm going to bring up this rant guy. I think you guys are going to love him. I showed Chris a picture of him yesterday. Oh, yeah. He is, uh, really something here. You're going to love him. He's got a great look about him. I was just, let me just say that it is funny to start a rant with it was the night before Christmas and then just losing it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The, the night, was the night before Christmas rant. Mm-hmm. Like, that's what they. say that was the first rant.

Oh, so it's like instead of it being like a nice poem, it was like, it was the night before Christmas and all through the host. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stirring, not even a mouse. Exactly. Yeah, okay. Corn did a really edgy version of that. I'm sorry.

Ray corn did a really edgy version of the night before Christmas. Okay. I got to look that up afterwards, but I'm like, I think there's words that I can't play on this show. So here we go. This guy, he's got some stuff. stuff to say. All right.

I just want to start this video by saying Merry Christmas. Okay. Thank you. That's exactly what it is, is Christmas. Uh-oh. When I was a kid and I was growing up, there was nothing else but Christmas. I never knew. Well, that's not true.

The other stuff did exist. You were just ignorant to it. Chris is going woke. Hey, everybody. Chris is trying to act like, well, he's trying to act like there was no haptic. There was nothing. He's trying to act like that shit didn't exist at all. I mean, that's absurd.

And by the way, just for everyone listening, you have to understand this guy's got a full, like, you know, like triangle peak hat. It's a don't tread on me hat. He's wearing the classic sunglasses. He looks like, yeah, he looks fucking insane. And he's sitting up against this wood panel. This red, it's a fucking insane scene if you could see it.

The lace curtains, the red lace curtains. behind the like hotel like it's it's like his the setting of where he is the way he's dressed everything about it is just completely ridiculous he looks like a character you know heard of anything else other than that and I'm so sick and tired

of this liberal media and these political correct people wanting to change and businesses that are too scared to say Merry Christmas and just say happy holidays grow a backbone. I don't know what happened in this country. He just came out of us. Everybody is changing because they're scared that they might offend

someone. Okay. This guy, he just, he approached the camera everyone, by the way, too. So he's like gotten closer to us and he's like trying to, seems like he's trying to intimidate us. Well, he's never going to intimidate me. This guy reminds me of like this girl that I follow on Instagram

that like open carries into different businesses and see if they're going to say. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He just got that look. Yeah, he's got he, I'm, sure he's done some shit like that too, like gone into some coffee shop

with a big fucking shotgun on his fucking belt or something. He's about to go off, guys. Oh, seeing Santa at the mall with a shotgun. Shotgun on his belt, too,

like just like somehow fixed to the back. I was like, oh, man. Here he got. He's about to go off, guys. I'm just tired of it, guys.

Oh. Just tired of hearing the rhetoric, the businesses on the radio. that always say happy holidays or don't call it Christmas. You know, at McDonald's, you got something that I heard of that was called a holiday pie instead of a Christmas pie. Whoa.

And this got... I'm hearing the reports. I still ate it, but I was mad. This is... I don't... I mean, listen, this is obviously an old video, right? He's not...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is from when this debate was a thing. that was happening or whatever. I'm glad that this is happening. No, I think it's over now. I don't think anybody really cares, do they? In the war on Christmas, is it still?

There were other videos for more recent. I just like the look of this guy. Yeah, because it just feels so rude. Obviously, people have said this a million times, but it's like to get hung up on something like this. And these don't strike me as like for religious purposes, right? Just racist purposes. Yeah, here we go.

He's got. I don't even watch TV anymore. I stopped watching TV a long time ago. I got Netflix and I get movies through them and I watch movies. But I don't want to. Hold a second. That is television. Seems like he still is actually watching TV.

He's like in all watching. He has it on his TV. And he's like in these prestige TV shows are like movies basically. So I'm watching them and they're basically a movie. I mean, I'm watching a limited series. It's like a long movie basically. It's not a TV show. He's doing like the so Happy Holidays is like all inclusive.

he's doing that for like the other way you know what i mean he's like i don't watch tv but you know what i mean he's like but i have netflix and i watch all the movies and you know what i mean he's almost being more open it is with any of your commercials and any of your liberal media no no that's why he doesn't want i get it he's on netflix because he doesn't mind tv he's the commercials so that's it's going to netflix so he doesn't have to watch the liberal commercials i don't even think it's all commercials like he likes some commercials it's just oh yeah if a guy if a commercial's like the We wish you a Merry Christmas on a commercial. He's like, I love that.

This is, he rewind. He's like, turn it up. He's like, turn it up. But he's like, and then, but someone there is like that's watching TV with him, which I highly doubt. Yeah. But it's probably like, well, the commercials are already loud. Yeah.

He says turn it up, but then he realizes he by himself and he grabs the remote and turns it up himself. Yeah. Throat every day. I don't need it. That's all. That's all the TV has an agenda. And it's trying to brainwash everyone.

and it's trying to get the ones that are young and up and coming. Now I'm sure you all know of MTV. MTV is one of the biggest. That's American MuchMusic. That's like the American version of Much Music. Here he goes. Liberal sewers that has ever been put out and broadcast over anything in the history of this country. Oh, that's big.

Yeah. You know? it's the biggest liberal sewer that has ever been you know what stays actually pretty Christmas oriented is BET so that you should kind of watch that that is pretty much all Christmas like that

I'm not sure interesting Gavin yeah he doesn't he's one of these anti-black Christmas guys he he might be yes he actually might be we don't know for sure but he might be he might be satanic we don't know here he goes I remember back when I was a little kid

and MTV played music they no longer do That's true Yes sir Hey you can't lie Yeah I yeah Hey When's the last time you see you know unplugged

Yeah Yep You know what else they pulled the plug on Christmas Yeah MTV has done more damage To our country than anyone

entity that I can think of anywhere. Really? That's a big one. Even Israel? Al-Qaeda? Al-Qaeda? Let's see. I mean, yeah, I mean, there's got to be just like the United States government itself.

Donald Trump? Well, this is before Trump. Donald Trump. And he, yeah, in this guy's, I bet you now, if you had a video of this guy, now he would be telling you all about how bad Donald Trump is. He would. He's a he's a principal guy You know his name is yeah Defender of freedom

Defender of freedom This has a lot This has quite a few up votes People enjoy can we see some of the Comments on this one Yeah Best rant ever So I subscribe to age 14

For this type of realness And candid display of courage Merry Christmas Fuck yeah Somebody says happy holidays to me And I smile and say Merry Christmas I'm even agnostic Those people are insane

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If someone says happy holidays and you go, Merry Christmas, you're the saddest person alive. Oh, yeah, that's who these... The people commenting on a video like this, like positively are very sad. People are like... I need to go watch some videos about like,

fuck, man, this Merry Christmas shit, this Happy Holiday shit is out of control and they're like going looking for land. These people aren't raised right. Yeah. They have this show called The Real World, and I used to watch this. He used to...

this is so good. And what soured him? Let's see, what's sourd? Oh, I think you'll, you can probably figure that out. Again, and a little bit after that, like I said, back when it first began and a little bit after that, like I said, until I got out of the whole TV thing. And on this show called The Real World, they would always put two gays or lesbians in the household of nine people, and they called this the real world. That's indoctrination. they're trying to indoctrinate the young people

and make them think that's the way this is well I don't know where you're living at MTV but I don't believe that every seven or every nine people I'm around that there's two gays or two lesbians in that group buddy I hate to break it to you but there is sorry

I need to see what he's up to yeah I'm gonna look I'll look at his yeah I wonder what his most recent video is he's just cut to him blowing Santa I like fucking like the chair company. Chair company. Shout out to the chair company because I mentioned this before about how you can't have a hard penis shown on television. Shout out to the chair company for obviously it was a prosthetic, but showing an erect penis getting sucked on television.

Shut out to them. He reviews guns. He does story time. So there's why it hit me so hard when Ozzy Osbourne died. is a recent one. Okay. So he's a guy hit by the Ozzie. Someone wrecked into my truck.

Let's watch someone wrecked into my truck after this one. Oh no. This is a Christmas episode. I promise I will put. Yeah, we can get this guy on the stream or something or bonus. I need to see him getting emotional about Ozzy Osbourne. It's the only time he's ever been emotional in his whole life.

Yeah. In that show, you could do whatever you wanted. They go out that party all night. They bring some slut home from the bar. have sex, whatever. It's all good. It's good, good for the show, good footage. But what would have happened if somebody would have brought a

G-19 so they could carry when they left the residence? Wait, what? Wait, he turns it into open carry rent. Wait, what? He's saying that what happens, he's saying so they're bringing sluts home having sex with them. But you can't bring a guy on.

Let's be a nod, but all of a sudden now, what would have happened? And he's not even saying that it did happen. He's just assuming a situation. He's saying like imagine if this did happen. I bet they wouldn't allow that. So he's just imagining all of it. Yeah. Yeah.

On MTV's real world for protection. Oh, it had been a whole big debacle. They'd have been kicked off the show. Everybody had been like, oh, my, he's got a gun. Yeah. But you don't know that. You don't know that. You have no basis for that.

You're just assuming that that would have been the case. He's creating a, he's creating a scenario that is absurd also. He's creating this ridiculous situation. that he can then be like, yeah, it's fucked up. I mean, it's like this thing that I just said. He's like one of these almost like kind of like, I don't know if it's like, what do you say? Gorphobic people or whatever that can't like walk outside without a gun, you know what I mean? So it's really scary.

I mean, you kind of nailed it, Gavin. You said this looks like, you know, the open carry lady who goes to the shops and says it. It seems like that's exactly what this guy is. I said she could have been on the real world. I think it would have been great. I mean, if she was on the real world, she would have shown. got maybe like four or five gays or lesbians. Yeah, what about the real world?

Yeah, why don't we make it like the real world? Yeah, that'd be funny. He's just like, honestly, in the real world, there's killing. Why can't they, why don't they shoot him in the head? Oh, that would be crazy, except that happens in the real world. You know, he's like, it's called the real world. And yet, yeah, we're not going to do mass abductions. We're not going to do nuclear weapons on this show.

Well, that's the real world, folks. Oh, yeah. And what about why isn't this a sex trafficking network? Why are we on a TV network? This should be a sex trafficking network. Yeah, what's going on here? I thought it's called the real world, everybody. You know, everybody in the house would have,

it would have been a whole big stirrup. So, was that, that was a pause? Wait, you didn't, you didn't pause that, Brian? No, that was long time. He was pausing for effect there? Okay, let's see that again. I think he was just caught up in emotions. Watch this, right after stirrup.

Yeah. You know, everybody in the house would have, it would have been a whole big stirrup. That's like when a little kid gets mad. When a little kid gets angry and they freeze and they kind of shake a little bit. Whole big stirrup. Yeah, he really like lost himself an emotion there for a second. And that's why he wears the sunglasses because his eyes.

He's teared up. His eyes so much emotion that he does not want to display. He's like, I can't. That's gay. He's that. That's gay. Yeah. Yeah.

In the right of a man to protect himself. Why? You could do anything else you want. You go party all night. get some sluts, bring them home. Yeah, he's a stop seeing sluts. I hate that. I hate hearing that.

I hate hearing that word. Somebody said in another post recently on a marketing guys. Somebody said something about it and it was like really kind of jarring to hear. It is jarred. Yeah. I hate that word. It's the worst one. Yeah.

Have sex with other people. Wait, is that what Mike Zero is talking about when he says said the worst word? Chris? You a zero head? you're into entertainment news, right, Gavin? So, you know, you probably don't know Mike Zero, but he's a big entertainment guy.

The house, whatever. Hey, do what you like. But when it comes to protecting yourself in the Second Amendment, now, that's where we draw the line. You can't do that. I hate MTV. I hate what they stand for. And let me tell you, there's a whole world more I could go into an MTV, but my channel would probably get shut down if I did.

Fair. Fair. Those powerful men at at MTV would definitely come after you. Yeah, he's like, I could say a bunch of stuff about MTV that I want to say, but it's like, honestly, it's, I use a lot of, like, slurs in my everyday language and stuff that would probably get me kicked right off of YouTube.

I want to do terrorism. So, I'm not going to go into all that. But I just like to say to everyone, Merry Christmas. Thank you. Yep. That's what it is. Yes. Keep it alive. I'll never say anything different. I don't care if I'm the only one left in this country.

It will always be, If nobody's let, if there are a thousand people saying Merry Christmas, I will be one of them. If there are one person left, if there are no people left, I have died. This guy is really, he's really taking a stand here. And I would love to check in on him and see on the stream and everything. And to make sure that he's still, if I catch him, I would love to watch every single second of his footage. And I catch him even once saying happy holidays. I don't think he would ever say that.

I hope not. Let's check in with some guys I really like. It's time to get excited everybody because you knew this was going to happen. Santa Claus was real until he forgot my present picture of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris peed down a sewer and the ninja turtles were born. I've heard that one. no he peed on a car and optimist prime was born i think we i think i've heard the ninja turtles one too i think we might have even done the ninja turtles one but that's okay here's a great one

that wasn't an atomic bomb bombing it was chuck norris sneezing so these aren't christmas jokes well it's the first one is santa claus i got i got you really i got really forgot my present yeah uh how about this one how about this one chuck norris can get five just by adding one plus one how how would you do that i mean one plus one is five it's pretty easy to find he he gets he gets he gets chuck norris is able to change math yep because he's so strong thank you thank you the worst thing to happen in any if you yeah if you don't know you sound like a pussy if you don't know that yeah you can you know that chuck norris can change all kinds of stuff just with his strength alone this guy goes the worst thing to happen in anyone's life is not

when they know that santa claus doesn't exist but chuck norris is hmm that doesn't make sense some of them don't some of them don't because these aren't professional see gavin you do you two around you do your stand-up or whatever on you know you're treading these days don't you don't need to brag you're treading but these guys are not professionals and they're not even like professional chuck norris joke writers in the sense where they're allowed in the regular chuck norris joke writing circles these are like way down in this facebook group of people who've been sort of kicked out of all the other groups so some of them you will find they're too long some of them don't really make sense some of them are very tough to follow it's not like ones you guys say at the at the comedy seller at the table

wait wait wait you're in new york too this guy probably has actually been to to the fucking comedy cellar and shit. Uh, yeah, yeah. You probably play at the stand, right? You know, you probably play at the stand. I played the stand. I played the cellar. Wow.

I wonder these guys probably all. Did you ever play with Gino Bisconti? You ever been on a show with him? He's one of my. Chuck Norris, not double only does the easy takes in the movie. Mm-hmm. Santa leaves milk and cookies by the fireplace every night of the year for Chuck Norris.

Santa does. Yep. Oh. Why? Hey, let me ask you a fucking follow-up question here. Why is this, why is Chuck Norris going to the North Pole every day? Well, probably because he's so strong or something. I'm trying to, yeah, no, I'm not really sure.

It's you try to go back to he's strong. He's the most powerful. But yeah, again, some of them are not really don't really good. Yeah, that one is just like Chuck Norris is just staying at the North Pole every day. He might be Santa. He's like a house guest. Yeah. Maybe he's swinging.

Maybe he's swinging with Ms. Claus. Here's a guy that I think, one, doesn't understand Santa Claus, and two, doesn't understand Chuck Norris jokes. Okay. Santa Claus watched out. Santa Claus stopped crying because Chuck Norris is coming to town. You better watch out. You better not cry.

That's not Santa Claus. They're not telling that to Santa Claus. They're saying that because Chuck Norris is about to be here. No, they're singing to the kids. What Brian is saying is in the song, they're not saying. they're not saying that to Santa. So the person seems to misunderstand that song as well as the Chuck Norris. Yeah, that's not one of the best ones.

And the Santa Claus Myth. Does it have any likes that one? That one has two likes. Nice. You know, it's crazy that people are still talking about Chuck Norris when these, he's in fact, completely irrelevant. Well, this guy goes, completely irrelevant. Chuck Norris is completely irrelevant.

Well, then guess what? I guess relevant must have just called in to have Chuck Nora. I'm trying to, I was trying to do a, I try to do a Chuck Norris. The point is, Gavin, he's not irrelevant to these people. He is like the benchmark for like Chuck Norris jokes are the best jokes still to a lot. Like you have to understand that. Like the amount of jokes that are still being made about Chuck Norris keeps him relevant. Yeah.

This guy goes Chuck. it keeps them having somebody to talk to. Yes. And they're together. They're all getting together. They're doing Chuck Norris jokes. This guy goes, Chuck Norris designs,

builds and donates all Christmas gifts every year, everywhere. Santa's just the deliver boy. No. Yeah, that makes sense. See, that's what I was saying before

about the whole milk and cookies thing. What if the actual Santa Claus is Chuck Norris and Santa's just his little delivery boy that's out doing his things and bringing him his milk and cookies? Well, that's actually, That actually brings up a great point about Christmas is like, who is actually the hero in the situation? Like, is it the people making the toys or is it Santa for bringing them?

You know, what do you hold to a higher? Gavin, I can help you with that because I'm a prominent leftist. Yeah, Brian's proletist. It's the, we look at, on this show, we're like the elves. Obviously, hey, elves, you know, and Santa Claus is a freaking landlord. Yeah, we hate Santa Claus. He's a landlord. And that's why it's like, I don't know.

you guys are gassing him up about his huge fucking pecker earlier. The guy's not. Do you think that Santa would have voted for Zoran Mamdani? Yes. No, Santo's a Cuomo guy. He'd be a Cuomo guy because he's just like he'd be afraid of Mamdani. Unionizing, unionizing the elves and helping them unionize

and getting sort of better working conditions. He's a quomo guy. Actually, Santa's kind of like, oh, do you guys forget about 9-11. Did you forget? No shit. I guess I just realized he's actually probably a Sliwa guy. Well, yeah. And the elves are all M-Dani voters.

Yeah, there are M-Nani voters, but I think he's a Sliwa guy. He's a Slewa guy. Yeah, he's just, and he's just like, honestly, New York best fucking city on earth. Like he just loves New York City Santa, right? He's just like, it's a great fucking city. Oh, every year, if you want to see fucking, you want a Santa Claus spotting, you just, every year, it used to be the Empire State, but every year he does a couple. a little laps around the freedom tower.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, because he remembered. And because he's a big fan of NYC. I went to Rotten Tomatoes. So look at some rotten tomatoes, guys. This is some reviews of the movie Elf. Oh, yes. Listen, all joking is I, I think we can know, this was a, when I was a kid, I loved this

movie. I thought this was one of the fun. Can I just say my dad hates this movie and he, he's always like, that guy's acting so silly. It's like, well, this guy goes. That guy's acting fucking nuts. Like, you're like, yeah, no shit. Like, chill out, man. You're, you're supposed to be working still, you know?

It's like, have some sort of decorum in your, I understand. It's like joyous, but dick. Well, he would, he, he did. He probably would have liked the movie before the whole, like, E-Card started popping off. That's, God. That was, you know, when you said your dad, when you mentioned your dad, I thought, God, I hope he's forgotten with all the, you know,

I hope he's forgotten about the E-Cards bit. Well, Benjamin reviewed Elf on December 24th, 2024 Christmas Eve. Okay. And he gave it three stars. Weird. Unnecessary review, I've always said, if you're giving something three stars,

you don't need to review it. Three out of five means you don't need to review it. Yeah, because it's enjoyable, but also a bit excessive. Elf strongly benefits from Will Ferrell's lively performance and its tonal consistency, but it also suffers from its overtly goofy nature. dated effects and dialogue or humor that is often hit or miss dated effects like what do you what the was it was it heavy special effects heavy i thought that was all kind of done in a silly way it was never meant to right it's not it's not it's not it's all kind of like eyes and his stupid thing or

whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah and then it was dated like they could totally tell that it was fake or something or i'm not sure like i just it seems weird to talk about this movie it doesn't strike me as that type of movie where the effects were a big part of it. This is another one that was done on December 24th, 2024, and this is a three and a half star one. Okay. It's a decent Christmas classic. I watched it too many times. I don't really enjoy it anymore.

Well, that's not fair. You've got to review it from the first time you watch it, not like the time, you're like just completely fucking, that's completely unfair. I think that's one of my favorite reviews I've ever read. Yeah, that's tough, man. What are you supposed to do as a creator or whatever? You're making a thing and people are giving it like, nah,

not that great because I watched it so many times that it bored me. Yeah. Sean gave it four stars. Charming holiday comedy movie can entertain both the kids and adults, has great humor and can also provide serious scenes that make you love family and the holidays. Yeah. You know,

I can't stand like a classic, like, oh, this is a holiday classic. Yeah. Oh, I know. I mean like what's the one, the Christmas story, you know, that was the one and I'll tell you something though. I love Christmas story only because my dad loved it. It was like

his favorite movie, you know? So I would, I like had an appreciation for it. But I always sort of had that same idea like, I don't know. So we have to watch this now. Watch this every year. Yeah, like this is a thing that we have to watch. Can we just watch like a new movie? And I have to spend time with you as well? Well, I love spending time with my friend. Yeah, I didn't. I love it. Douglas goes four stars. Modern classic, instead of watching the same junk movie set during Christmas,

this one is actually a Christmas movie. I see. The next movie we're going to read, Die Hard. Ah, I see this. That's a Christmas movie. Sure, it's happening around Christmas. It's like, and everybody is just like, just say you want to watch an action movie where stuff is blowing up.

Die Hard is bad because everyone said it is a Christmas movie, and that's why we get like all these movies now are like Santa's Kurt Russell and he's like got to shoot someone in the head. Yeah. We get like John Wick Christmas because of dying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did one. They did one with the rock. Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson. Remember Mel Gibson was, I love. I just, yeah. I love Mel Gibson. You love his views. You're a big fan of Mel Gibson. You took a turn. You weren't a big fan of his before.

And then at some point you were just like, I like this guy a lot. Yeah, there's something I like about this guy. Now, this, listen, Mel. Apocalypseta. Yeah. Apocalypse was a good movie. The, yeah. The, the, the, the, all, you're absolutely right about that, though, Gavin, that, like, and

that they'll just make things during, because they want that, like, sort of, like, that diehard kind of thing of, like, hey, let's get that audience, that Christmas audience. Yeah. And they like guns. And there's one last year with a big polar bear in it. There's one. There's one. There's one.

Red one. What was the, what was the, what was the, what was the one with the, um, with the guy from stranger things the cop from stranger things he was in one too oh that one's good too silent night silent night violent night violent night violent night yeah that guy

huh you guys listen to lily allen's new album I've heard some stuff about him too I've heard some stuff about him he's a bad guy he's a cheater he's on the naughty list that guy's like I'd like to have a violent night with that guy after what he did to Lily Allen I think you would listen to how many beach you up, Gavin. I'm sorry. I think

he would beat the shit out of you. Isn't he like huge? He's a big guy. Isn't he massive? I mean, you want to have a violent. I feel like if you had a violent night with him, it would be him committing violence on you. No, that's just he, no, he's actually not that big that you guys don't understand. Oh, Hollywood, Hollywood. I do forget that everyone's so small in Hollywood and they make you think they're big. That is some, like, the rock is like so like, is like smaller than you think, like shorter.

stuff, you know, like everybody really is a little shorter than you think. James gave diehard five stars and you know what he said? And this is wild. Everybody, calm down. Diehard is the best Christmas film ever. Yeah, I said it and what? And what, Gavin? What are you going to do, buddy? You're going to have a violent night with this guy too? Yeah. I mean, listen, man, you don't know how big this guy is. I'm going to, what's the height of the guy from Stranger Things? I got to look this guy. He's 14 feet tall. I got to look it up. You David Harbor. he's that his name

he's the size of a harbor they say okay die hard a film every man loves hmm Gavin what's that say about you I guess I'm a big dumb pussy

he is actually only six foot two so that is to me I thought he was like a big giant guy but Gavin you're close to six two right like I'm about six seven no you're not but you're like around my height I'm six two and I think you're around my height

height. I think that you're you're pretty close to his height actually. So now I'm starting to think, God, I mean, he's probably a bit thicker than you, but like I don't know what you've been up to if you've been training or whatever. I don't know, you might be able to get a couple shots in on David Harbor. Yeah, I think, I think he's going to wake up with a couple of stranger things and I'm done with him. What's that even me? I don't know what that means. I'm not going to interrogate it at all. Let's go to R slash nostalgia, which is our new most hated guys. Yeah, we hate nostalgia guys. They're so annoying, Gavin.

Guys are, he's a drink from the hose, man, like everybody. That's the thing we learned, Brian taught me that every single generation is like, man, we used to drink from the hoes, man. Oh, yeah. Drink from the hose. Oh, yeah.

I love water that gets cold in seven minutes. Yeah, yeah. No shit. It takes so fucking. Listen, we could go. Shout out to Todd Glass. That's a Todd Glass. I can't claim it.

We used to drink from the hose and we used to come in the house after the streetlights came on. Once the streetlights is on, we got to go home. And there are people that are 20. They're saying that right now. Yeah, yeah. There are people who are just like,

it doesn't matter where you, when you grew up. You're just like, man, we have so much better. Yeah. People are doing VR. They work from home.

They're doing virtual reality shopping malls now I've heard. We recorded this ahead. And so this is actually being, recorded in 2020 so a lot of people are working from home right now i have nostalgia for that time uh this guy goes this is so bad i would give anything to experience christmas as a child just one more time oh god i mean that's really tough man this one's really funny to me opening presents and receiving toys best feeling ever yeah i remember that feeling too before the e-card started to pop off.

Yeah, you stopped getting them as soon as the e-card started going. It's making Chris so mad. I know. This guy goes, especially toys from the 80s and 90s. They were solid made. The colors were vibrant. Lots of mechanical goodness. Not the digital crap we have nowadays.

Oh, yeah. Toys requiring a smartphone and making an account? Shoot your eye out, kid. That's maybe I should start asking for Legos for Christmas. those fancy sets that make flowers and stuff. Okay, hey, I'm in agreement with this guy. He should get Legos for Christmas. Yeah, Legos is a good gift.

Legos is a good gift and they're always making new Legos and a kind of cool thing about Legos is you can get them something. It's like, hey, this has a, this has like a good, this is something you like. And it's a Lego version of it, right? So then that could be like they're in towards Legos. I'm actually nostalgia guy in here. I bought the. the Goonies Lego set.

It's in my closet over here. I haven't started yet because I'm still building Arkham Asylum. Oh, yeah. You said you're not really liking that build too much, though. No, too many stickers. I'd probably, uh, I'd probably put a sloth in Arkham. That guy's nuts.

I don't know. Well, we shouldn't lock him up. He's a good guy. I know he starts out as a bad guy. This guy goes, I get my wife Lego flowers all the time. They're great. next guy goes growing up really sucks ass growing up really suck i mean that just that just that's nostalgia guys right there that just sums it up they're just like yeah growing up i wish i was just young and i had

no responsibilities anymore and like i think everybody has those moments or maybe i'm wrong maybe i just do you have a moment where you're just like oh man i've got so much shit i got to do i like i miss the time when i had no responsibility but it's like a fleeting feeling it's not the overall feeling of your life most of the time you are happy to have things that you can accomplish and like responsibilities and like different things that you could do like it's i don't know i i think it's it's very very sad and tough to listen to people who are just like openly saying like i hate my adulthood compared to when i was a young child and again like there's a certain privilege that comes with like me and you and and and and gavin even we don't have to go

to an eight hour a day real job. Oh, Gavin has an even better, by the way. We have like, we have actually at least something that's kind of a job. Gavin is a stand-up. Well, Gavin, do you still work on- hardest jobs you could get? Gavin, do you work on a TV show currently? I have a movie I'm rewriting for Sony.

No, but okay. You're rewriting a movie, so that's a job. That's a job. Okay, so you're rewriting a movie that's actually like that you've talked to a studio about, so you're like doing something. It's not a spec thing necessarily. No, no, no, it's not spec. It's not spec.

That's a real job. And you did have a job where you worked on hacks, obviously. So you would have to go in and work and act. Actually, you didn't really a job. I'm just saying, like, that it's a fun. We do a fun. The thing that most people would be like, oh, this is, this seems fun. Yeah, it's an easy job and a fun thing.

But also, nostalgia guys, they get stunted and they think they had no responsibilities when actually they did have responsibilities at that time, but they ignored them completely. and now they're stuck on a time where maybe they didn't have to suffer the repercussions of not acting on those responsibilities. Yeah. And I hated growing up. I'm an anti-grow-up guy. Like I didn't want to be a teenager.

Well, I did want to be a teenager when I was eight or whatever. But even when I was a teenager, I was like, I can't fucking wait till I'm an adult. I said it on the episode. I would have taken a job in ninth grade and just went to work full time. I mean, you had a different, yeah, you're kind of, and you were like out of the house immediately and kind of like, you know, so you sort of like, I think it was sort of like you had an idea that you were, you were, and you were, yeah, you were like an adult a little bit earlier or also because your parents were mean to you. Yeah. So that's also a reason why it's just like, oh, this isn't so great. I would rather be grown up where I can fucking live in my own house and make my own decisions and not have to fucking deal with you guys, you know.

This person goes, thanks for punching me in the feelings, bone. A rush of memories just came back to me. Super great memories, but also sad because I miss them. Props to my parents and grandparents for giving me awesome memories. Yeah. Okay. That seems pretty healthy, I think. You know, that's okay.

Hey, it reminded me of it. And that was kind of nice. Christmas hit different in the 80s and 90s. When you were a child. When you were a child, then you would have a little stalking that your mom would make for you. and you'd get up. Yeah, it hit different and so did my dad when he beat me profusely. That's the thing.

Yeah, Christmas used to hit different. I didn't like what I got and I used to get the shit beat out of me. So I have a lot of filler memory where I think I saw Santa. So I'm kind of stuck in a time where I have huge gaps and I forget a lot of stuff. But when I really look back, I think it was beautiful. And it used to snow back then. That's another one, yeah, yeah. Climate change.

Because of the weather machines. Climate change. Because these Jews are trying to kill Christmas so they stop it from snowing. You can't say, I know you're saying it as a character and you're being the guy, but you can't be. Clip it up. Post it out of context. This guy goes, what you really mean to say is Christmas hit different when I was a child, which is, of course, true about everything.

He gets a reply. I'd say it's not just that. Of course, you would say it's not just that. Companies constantly put out Christmas stuff earlier and earlier each year now, and it ruins a lot of the magic for me personally. You're an adult. You're an adult and it is. That is a true thing that's true,

but I don't think that affects the children. I don't think the children get affected by that where the young children are like, yeah, I don't know. It's lost its luster a bit because the decorations and stuff are going up so early that I don't even get excited on Christmas morning anymore. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

They put it out because you don't fucking, you wait to the last minute always, you piece of shit. You don't get your Christmas shit together. They're trying to help. Oh, we'll do it next week. Oh, we'll do it after American Thanksgiving. And then it's not up. They're trying to help your ass.

They're trying to help you. You're bad at planning. You haven't thought about life. I'm getting a bit better right now in my, you know, adulthood at getting, but I'm a last minute shopper, I'll admit, but I'm getting a little bit better with it. We're all like be out and be thinking about it at least, you know, and like try to get it done maybe early December. Every day started after like November, like, 15th.

You got to go on a walk every morning and be thinking about like, what am I going to do to like kind of get Christmas in order? You know, I got to, you know, every day. You kind of got to have like 30 second meditation. Spoken like a true person who is fucking, you know, writing a script and doesn't have to go to work for 10 hours every day. I mean, come on. I mean, everyone can't just be walking about. I got to travel. I got to fly around the country.

I got to do stand up. And I got to write. I have to use two different parts of my brain. my job is mentally taxing. I have to be in front of people that most stand-up comedy. I've done stand-up comedy as a job. It is hands-down the easiest job that you can actually get in the world. Maybe podcasting, but-

Yeah, podcasting is a little bit harder if you edit it or if you have to do anything like that. You got to be absolutely joking me. You stand-up is the easiest job anyone's ever done in the history. You got to be absolutely joking me to say that to me. No, it's one of the most important. literally thankless job I go around for and and make nothing on two item minimums. These places are charging and I go around and I change people's lives and perspective.

Yeah. And you are out there on the front lines of the freedom of speech. Thank you. Freedom of speech. People come to me all PC and confused. And then you know what? I said them right. They don't even think about nostalgia anymore after me. They just think about repeating my bits in the shower the next day. I believe that maybe possibly like, if there's a job where you literally stand there. But other than that, I mean, you just are standing there and talking. And you have the microphone. I'm animated.

You get to talk louder than everybody else. So they try to talk and you can just talk louder than them. So you just have to talk for 45 minutes. And then you get to leave and they give you money for it. It's like it's very, very, very much one of the easiest things you can do. I am not animated. So I don't get any exercise when I'm doing whenever I'm on stage. But I only do it like five times in the past three years.

Anyway, this guy goes, kids these days will never experience the anticipation of waking up on Christmas morning. Because they'll die on Christmas Eve, I guess. But going into your parents' bedroom to open Christmas stockings, presents, and then having to wait about two hours for your dad to wake up. Why don't they? I don't, does he really think that doesn't happen anymore? It doesn't. Why does he think that doesn't happen anymore? The people who grew up with it, right?

Like, guys, we're the ones having the kids now. So do you not think we're doing it? Like, you are meant to be the one who's having the kids, sir. Why don't you do it with your kids and keep passing it on and doing it? That's what people do. I think you're right that either this guy doesn't have kids or, you know, a lot of these got real horny because he said passing. And I thought about passing my wife off. So someone got a fuck.

She goes, uh, uh, Christmas talk. He goes to wake up to be able to set the cam quarter to record you opening all your presence. That anticipation was something else, man. Now, let me talk about that. I have talked about my growing up and that my parents had a little more money than the other people in the neighborhood. Right. Like not just they weren't rich, but you know what I mean? We were like doing better.

We didn't have a camcourt. We didn't have a cam quarter. we didn't use a camcorder so like the thing is these are all kids that came from like very nice homes and stuff like that. The cam, not having a camcorder growing up is how I know that

I'll never be famous or anything because they could never make a documentary about me as the child because that's how you know every like famous person that has a documentary about them was like a rich kid is because they always have a camcorder and you're like, how do they get in this footage? You're right because I feel like I didn't

grow up rich. I grew up like middle class, but like, oh, doing okay, like upper middle class maybe, or like doing okay, having money, you know, and did not have a camcorder. Like, was not at camcorder level. And so it feels like, yeah, the people, at least when I was younger, people who had camcorders were like the richer friends, definitely. This person is very weird. And maybe we can, maybe you guys can help me understand this. I'd give anything to not have my parents lie to me and just be honest about holidays. Jesus, I get it. I mean, my parents were lying to me a lot after the whole E-card.

Yes. They told me Santa Claus was dead because they couldn't afford to give me presents anymore. Yeah, they told me a bunch of like super graphic photographs of Santa being like, you know, like a bunch of like fake blood all over them, like one of those like crazy. Santa at Benghazi. And he's like, yeah, it's like it's one of those like crazy sting operations they do, you know, are they setting up the spouse and making her think that the killing actually happened? I feel like, yeah, I feel like this guy is saying, you know, he's, he's really upset that his parents,

obviously, he's upset that his parents lied to him about Santa and about like, you know, that he wanted. Yeah, I mean, I guess, yeah, it seems like me. I do have a friend who won't lie to their kids about Santa because they think it's unethical. I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that either. And I think it's an insane thing to believe. I feel like this person maybe has issues with their parents that go beyond this. And this is just like one of the things that they, you know, some of the ammo they use in their fight against their parents.

Here's what, here's another funny one. 80s mall at Christmas was amazing. It felt different. Now the mall doesn't feel the same. We got a couple other things we got to do. There's there is dudeism we learned about this year. So we do have to read how they celebrate Christmas and stuff. Yeah, Gavin, you were on the big Lobowski.

episode. I think that was on that episode, you wouldn't stop doing big Lebowski lines and you were driving me crazy with that on that particular episode, I believe. That's just your opinion, man. Yeah, exactly. That was. Yeah. Yeah. December 21st and the northern hemisphere is winter slostis. On this day, we acknowledge the darkest, coldest day of the air, good for a bit of hibernation and then finally hibernation hey nice marmot just googled it it's it's not after hibernations and i go hey nice marmot this is that is not even like a pivotal line in the movie you it feels like you're reading oh you pulled it off again there you go nice marmot i realize that when they when they let the ferrets go in the in the tub I think that's when that line yeah okay do dismissed is December 25th it's hard to say do

this dodest miss dude dismissed well other people might be celebrating Christmas some dootists prefer to celebrate doest miss which is a much easier version of the holiday forget about all the pressures associated with gift giving and making elaborate dinners just have some pounds over order in you might want to burn some herbs to help invoke the spirit of the dude but that's up to you you wait who posted that hey i know that guy he's a nihilist actually and it is uh the guy that we watched the video of here are a few jokes the the the that's that's too similar like there's there's been so many of those like this is the

anti christmas what's the the festivist or whatever right that was like the festivist anybody who's kind of doing like the anti christmas thing or the kind of like i think they're all biting from festivist a little bit i mean yeah It's like, I mean, it's a tough time of year. So you want to kind of like, can be tough for people, you know? Strikes and gutters up and down. So it's like, Brian, can you move on to something else, some other type of post? So we'll stop doing this.

Let's go to R slash jokes and read a riff. Oh, God, R slash jokes. God. Brutal what? Brutal place to go. Brutal place to go, Gavin. Brutal place to go. What do Christmas trees and old men have in common?

Hmm. I'm trying to think of that. something to do with not being able to get up the balls are just for decoration the balls are just for decoration wait did they say decoration or decoration no i said that i say decoration yeah it's a cool thing i do no that's sick honestly i thought that's fucking tight thank you the the first guy goes they both smell like pine i don't know oh i get is is pine is there some sort of thing that has a pine smell that

old people use because they do have different smells but i don't think it's pine i don't think they i can't think of a pine old people used to smell like mothballs but this one's weird they both require a device to stand up but they don't oh oh i guess because the christmas tree you put the little thing around it you put the like metal thing around it and then sometimes an older older person will need uh but that's not old people you guys are about to be blown away by this one's a little dirty this is is a little edgy okay both just want a new box under them oh that's pussy yeah yeah yeah a new pussy they look at their they're like it was a different pussy huh peanut well that's only all you can get

the guys who are writing these jokes yeah they're box they're writing oh i remember dick in a box that's a good christmas one uh yeah yeah dick in the box that's from saturday night live live from new york York it's Saturday night why don't you get on that Gavin why you get on Saranananan have you thought about getting on have you thought about getting on Saturday? I auditioned a couple of years in a row I didn't get it uh Gavin my I'm when I was like things are really working out how I thought they would for me I would just say talk to Lauren buy him a buy him a bottle of wine find all the kind of liquor he likes or whatever send it over to them have a meeting with them

and tell them hey I'd like to come on the show tell them your credits tell me did you were on a TV show with like a bunch of people who are some of them were maybe even on SNL right some of them some of them know SNL people just ask around and I'm sure you could you could get on here's what I didn't understand at all but since it's a riff I had to include it maybe because you keep putting your Christmas tree next to other trees I see wait no I don't I have no idea what it is this guy goes when you put a match to them they damn near explode. Yeah, that's true.

If you put a match next to an old guy, forget about it. I don't know what that meant at all. I guess they always be farting maybe. Old guys be farting? I mean, I'm trying to, I'm trying to figure it out. Here's one more riff here.

Where do Stormtroopers do their Christmas shopping? Oh, where? At the store next to the target. Oh, that's, that's kind of funny. They're not good at shooting. That's kind of funny. If you were a Star Wars guy, you got to admit that would get you. If you were like a big Star Wars guy, that kind of hits.

It's like a kind of a clever. Gavin, you're a comedian. That's a decent joke. Yeah, I like that. If someone made that joke around me, I'd probably be like, fuck it, dude. Let's go bowling. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.

They also shop at the Darth Mall. Oh, come on. That's a great character that they should explore more. Yes. Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper? What is that? What's the height requirement for a stormtrooper? I don't know.

I have no idea. This guy goes more like Chris Miss, like Chris. Yeah, more like Chris Mid. That's Chris James, actually. He's Chris Mid. Oh, I said Chris. That is one of my nicknames. That's one of my nicknames, actually, though, Chris Mid.

Christ Mid. First original joke I've heard in months. What the hell? Well, how come? I guess this guy's not on reels. Too bad. keep missing the sales yeah yeah that's kind of similar take my up vote please take my wife please is that oh no that's just take my up vote please i was i was just really into comedy mode there and i started

thinking you guys are about to get crazy this is one of the greatest riff lines ever stormtroopers actually have near perfect aim they missed all those shots on purpose because they were told to. Thanks for your contribution to the RIF. We're all just going to fucking head home now. Fucking ruined everything. That guy is a Riff Ruiner. It came in and fucking.

It's actually hurt. That actually like really pains me. And to know that he typed it and wrote it, I just can't. I, I'm, that made me hit a wall. I mean, you're a big rift. You're a big rift. You're a big fan of Rifts. I like riffs. I like riffs, but sometimes someone riffs and then all of a sudden, it zaps out any bit of your energy.

What have you ever been at a? And so many of those where like a guy tells a joke or posts an old joke, it's usually an old street joke. And then people just, there's like 250 replies of guys like making the joke. They don't, none of them understand it needs to be short. You know what I'm? which I think is like I'm not a comedian or anything. And I understand that you've got the least amount of words. Get in and out.

I mean, you want to, you want to trim the fat. You want to get in and out. I mean, there are obviously like, you know, Norm McDonald's style old time jokes where you're intentionally dragging them

out for a long period of time to get to a big punchline. But yeah, that's not what these guys are doing. Yeah, you got to get in and out. It's kind of like a swinging with my wife. Yes. And finally, one last rant.

You have a wife. Do you, are you just saying this is a public podcast? Are you in the swinging community, Gavin? What do you mean? I don't have, yeah, I have a huge wife. You don't know her. That's good. Okay, one last rant here before we get out of here.

Looks like I'm getting a cold sore for Christmas again. got my first cold sore last year for Christmas I was not a good gift at all what kind of gift is that? It's like way too long that is such a weird way to frame it because it does sound like somebody gave them a cold sore for Christmas.

Maybe that is what they're saying. It's from a kid. Santa gave him HSV 1 or 2. Santa does not have any sexually transmitted. There's no STIs at all because he's not, sexually active. He's, and honestly, if he was sexually active, it would be strictly with the tongue game because he's got a, he's got such a little, he's got such a little, he's got such a little nubber that it's

just like, and it's so difficult because his belly is so big, obviously, it's difficult for him to have any kind of penis and vagina sex. So he's mostly just getting the tongue game going. Pussy and vagina. Um, this guy goes, never had one before. He scissors. He's got a pussy. Santa Claus has a pussy.

And he scissors with people's moms. I don't know why that made me laugh. I just got a good chuckle out of Santa Claus having a pussy and scissoring with someone's mom. I mean, I think essentially it looks like he has one because of how small. I saw mommy scissoring Santa Claus. I can tell you for a fact, it's not an STD. Slid and sliding with Santa Claus. Sorry.

It creates a suction thing down there with Santa Claus. Santa Claus. Yeah. That's what I always under. I used to ask me, why are they bumping pussies? And somebody was like, oh, it creates like a suction thing. That's nice.

You think scissoring is done for suction? This guy has such little understanding of sex. I don't even think they really scissor from what I've heard. I know. That's just for like the porn. That's a lie. Anyway, he goes, by the way. That's a lie.

I actually won't believe that. I refuse to live in a world. I've asked every person, every woman I know. and they all have scissored in the past. He goes, I've had them once or twice again since then. I take L. Licing regularly now. But I'm pretty sure today I woke up with a new one. And I'm running low on generic abbrevia.

So now I got a fork over another $15 for a little tube smaller than my pinky. I'm losing it. Smaller than this. This tube is smaller than Santa's dick. He should be asking for that for Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Just get it in your stocking stuff.

Yeah, exactly. That's a perfect stalking stuff. It doesn't have to be your full gift. It's cold sore remedy. Yeah. You're going to get it every year for Christmas. You might as well get the remedy. It's a nice thing.

Hey, hey, before we leave, we got to get him the remedy. Yeah. I need a remedy. Remember that song? Probably not. You guys, yeah. I think it's a Black Crow's song, which. Oh, I'm sorry.

I got a fork over another 15. Why is my skin against me? I've dealt with acne almost my whole life. And now I have this asshole. It hurts and it's hideous. I hate this. I hate cold soars. So that is our last Christmas rant.

You know, not bad. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas. Everyone. Merry Christmas, everyone. Happy holidays. Oh,

Oh, yeah, Brian. Okay. Merry Christmas. Big smile on my face. Holiday. In all serious, and happy holidays to everyone. No,

and happy holidays. I'm really sorry. Everyone all serious. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. I want to apologize for Gavin. I actually only talk about Kwanza. He,

Gavin is a, Gavin is doing a character when he comes on the podcast. I want to apologize. And Merry Christmas. Yeah, you would say that I was a character. Wouldn't you haven't been through the things that I've been through. Like,

when my family, they lost actually. Oh, I don't even the e-cards really popped off. Happy holidays, everyone. And here's to, you know, many more good years. At least a couple. Bye, everybody.

Bye. Oh, Gavin, where can people find you? Yeah. Gavin B1. Gavin Bunchuplive.com slash Gavin Mats or whatever. I don't know. Instagram at Gavin Mats. Punchup live.com.

It's like some touring thing that helps you get tickets and mailing list. know. Just some people use it. I don't but I'm like if you're on that like I'm on tour right now, I'm taking a special December 20th in Toronto. Nice. We went to where, hey, that's cool. We were in Toronto. Yeah. And shout out to Rowdy.

Showed up to Rowdy, our friend Rowdy. I just came to my show in Portland. All right. We'll see y'all next week. Goodbye. Bye.