Hamish & Andy - 2024 Ep 253 - It's Andy's BIRTHWEEK!

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

It's Andy's birthday week, so Hamish decides to tee up a special Please Andy segment. There's a scandal in the fragrance world as Cristiano Ronaldo might've stolen the show's signature scent. Andy received a bizarre survey from The Burnley Tunnel, and Hamish finally reveals the hats!  1. Please Andy 2. Burnley Tunnel recommendations 3. Hamish’s prank hat reveal 4. CR7 vs. Andy by Hamish 

A listener production. Activate your internet. Because the Hey Mission and the podcast starts in 3...2... Sorry, still buffering. One! Ahoy to me pinter, Hamish. A pinter? I think we're classic playwrights, but go on.

Ahoy to my Santa Maria, Jack. Are we the pinter or are we the pinter? Either way, we're the boats that Columbus sailed. Oh my god. Hey, pub trivia. What a guy. Monday nights, $80 bar tab, up for grabs. Yes, you were the fastest of the three ships, Sam.

Fast and loose. Yes, got there first, did a lap and came back and got you guys. And the new world, as he called it, even though we know that was there before he got there. Many other people there. Was sighted from the Pinta. San Maria Jackie, the largest. Are you the Santa Anna? Is that the other oneinta. San Maria Jack, you're the largest. Are you the Santa Anna?

Is that the other one, Ando? No, I'm the Nina. Oh, Nina. Yes. The largest of the three ships sailed by Columbus Jack, and we have seen you in the change rooms. Gee.

Yeah. Quite the mast on that boat. But also the slowest of all the vessels, which is, talks to your back problems. And then I'm just... LAUGHS Very thorough. Just a standard one, just not showing off, not lagging behind.

Which one was Columbus on? All of them. Oh, did he jump around? He wouldn't have been on all of them, would he? He bounced around between the boats. Ships sailed by Christopher Columbus. Yeah, but I mean, that's his fleet, but you've got to understand, when you're at sea,

it's not easy to just nip between boats. He's not on a jet ski. He's going between the boats. Do you reckon he played, like he shipped at one club, like he played his whole career at one ship? I don't think. No, no, no, I would say there would be a main ship where he's on, that's his quarters,

and he's kind of like leading the fleet. But you know, wasn't this like 1600s or something? No, 1492. 1400s. I would have thought... So you're pretty hard to bounce from boat to boat. Remember when we went on the tool ship? No, no, no.

I thought that he would have done a cruise, come back and gone. Next time, oh. He goes, we're going again. This time I'm taking the Pinta out. Oh, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like Can you move the San Maria out? Like Jay Leno with the vintage car. You duck the San Maria out because I want to get myself to the pinta. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's got the pinta? Got a dodgy foresail.

Okay. I did the slow setting one last time. Let's go. Let's get across there fast this time. What's wrong? Anyway. Okay, no, fair. I mean, we started strong. I mean, I started strong with knowing them

and then we really fell away there with facts at the end. But good to be the three ships. May we sail into fair waters today? Yes, ahoy also to another great traveller. It's Jacob, who used the very easy to use system at hamishandian.com to tell us what he's been up to. He's in Argentina. Hola, Hamish andian El Camandrea.

It's Jacob here from Patagonia, Argentina. Currently on a hike in search of he who should not be named. Like many men of infamy of the 20th century we heard that he may have fled down to Argentina once his identity was close to being revealed in public. As I'm on a 16 month sabbatical with my partner and toddler funds are getting a little bit tight and it would be great if we could land some seats in Weasel class to get home. Adios! Okay.

It should say Weasel class when you get those tickets from. Mr. R, who he's referring to, he's not a fugitive. He's not on the run. I just don't want him to hear us talking about him. You'd love it if he was a fugitive. He's not got any problems with the war that I know of. I think there are a few t-shirts left at HamishName.com for those who want to make the pledge and not talk about this certain individual.

Jack, if you get contacted, if the next time you dip the beak into the trough for Mr. R, would you? I'm beaking soon, very soon. Get that close to your chest. Could you help out any of our listeners with an expert? No, I'm sorry. Even my mum tried and no, no, no, no. So why do you have favoured status? Well, because of Bianca's link. See, being a mum is one link.

Only by blood or marriage. Yes. By blood or marriage. It would send a real message if Bianca's link. See, Bianca's mum is one link. Only by blood or marriage. Yes. By blood or marriage. It would send a real message if Bianca's parents booked Bianca on a business class flight and me back in the economy. It's very much like Game of Thrones. Jack's mum has no claim to the throne before she has no pure blood link to Mr Ralph.

But I've married in. The connection. You're very angry now. I'm going mad. I'm going mad with power. Yeah, little finger over there. He's just been maneuvering his way to the top. Soon he will be missed around. I would love, Mum, and any listeners to have a go at it, but I just, I can't do anything about it.

No. I don't know if you would love that. Okay. Well, good luck with your, with your wet beak, sir. When might we know if the dip in has been successful? We don't, we don't, we don't need to talk about it too much. We don't need to. No, we pledge not to. We won't talk about it, but can we know post the beak dip? You'll know there will be a period where I'll be away overseas.

Gently. And you'll know then. You'll definitely know if I've been downgraded back to economy because I'll have some words to say. But if you see me overseas, assume I've gone pointy end. With a wet beak. Okay. Hey, have you seen you one at the top on today's show?

Ando, we have something that we like to do from time to time. We like to upset you. However, as you've made it very clear to us, we are in your birthday week this week. This episode drops. This episode drops on the Thursday. The festival ramps up in earnest on the Friday. So we've been told in no uncertain terms, make it about me or else,

which is why instead of doing Upset Andy, as a one-off each year we'd like to do Please Andy. Oh, I do. Pleasure Andy. Yeah. We've come a long, long way together through the fast times and the loose. I've got to celebrate you Andy. I have to please you like I should. Please Andy. The shoe...

Please Andy! Good Dals! Good! He's done the best he can there Dals! With floor and foot! Maybe you can polish it Herd! No unfortunately I've just ruined his polishing rack! No, unfortunately I've just ruined his polishing rack. Hahaha! It seems like a short notice from him was a day.

In it's a go, in it's a go. I was like, do we have an opener? Oh, we've got time. I was off to the loo. And he's gone, mate, I'll do what I can. Like a field surgeon having to operate in the wild. It's alive, I thought it was great. Thank you.

Well, let's please Andy, Jake. So now instead of things that are a bit skew-ith, a bit inefficient, unordered, we've now got a please Andy. I've got a couple, I mean, actually, sorry, I don't have any in my own life that please you, but I do get people coming up to me all the time, throwing these out there.

So they exist, right? They, I don't have any. I posted one, not recently on my Insta where there's a new jug I've got, like a water filter jug, which has a little flap at the top and for the tap. I love that thing. Isn't that amazing? And then I've learned to put the tap. I miss this thing. Isn't that amazing? And then I've learned to put the tap. I missed this. What are we talking about? What's the... Like a water filter jug.

Yeah. But it's got a little like a down flap, like a one-way flap, like a doggy dog. One way. So you put the... For when the water goes in. The tap goes, yeah, like a little circle. So you can fill it up through the top. I can drop it in the sink, turn it on the tap at the exact flow as it filters, go and make some toast, come back, have a filter down. Knock over the jug with your erection. Mess everywhere. That would delight you. I thought I'd pleased you recently.

I've got one of those quad lock things for your phone, you know, the quad lock in those? And then you get the corresponding lock that goes in various places if you want to fix your phone to things. So you have to get a sticky thing that goes in your car though. And it's kind of like one of those 3M adhesives on the back. Yes. Like a, like a wall hook, but everywhere in my car, it's a flat adhesive at the back, everywhere in my car is a curved surface. I've got, yes, I drive a bubble car, a Mazda one two one, all bubbly.

Everywhere inside, yeah, there's no flat bit. So I've got it mostly affixed. But it holds. Yeah. I've got to stay. I'd be happy with that. But you'd be pleased with the locking system. Let's flush Hamish's one out. Let's flush Hamish's out. Have you got something to please me? Ahoy, guys. Happy birthday, Andy.

Ahoy to you. Thank you, Megan. And I'll accept it today. Of course he will. He always will. He does. So I too love efficiency. And I hate when you go to the grocery store, walking around with the trolley, getting everything for the week. You don't know where something is or you realize too late you've already gone past it and you have to walk back in the shop against the flow of traffic.

So I took to my computer, I made a map of the coals near my house, put it onto every aisle, what item is there, printed them out. So throughout the week, I use that as my shopping list. I can just circle the things that I need. And I turn up to Coles, walk through, I go exactly one time through the shop and out, I'm done. I didn't, this is, this, yeah, Andy is just beaming here. This- That's some good stuff. I thought the stories you heard of people that enter the supermarket and do it in one lap were myths.

I thought that was... It had never been done. It's the two hour marathon. People have got clothes, but they've never quite got it. Yes. Now, Megan, that is exceptional. Thank you. Very pleased. Honestly, Andy, you would hate how I go through the super market. I do. I don't group anything.

He hates me more. I just go, get that item. All right. That's in the basket. Next item, go looking for it. Walk all around. Get that. I will go to the vegetable.

You know, when you normally get to the checkout and you've got your basket or your trolley, at least for most humans, all the veggies would be together. Mine aren't because I go back and forth there. There's many layers. There's like layers of popcorn. You'll be back again. Then there's peaches. Then there's like layers of pasta.

Oh, tomatoes. They're everywhere, mate. Megan, thank you. Kelly, ahoy to you. Ahoy gents and Jack, how you going? Great. Look, I bought a new car during COVID and got the first year service done, had a schedule, didn't really, you know, got it on the one year mark as you do under pays. And then second year come around and noticed we were getting quite close to the one year mark and

also the Ks. Booked it in and then low and behold as I'm sidling up to the mechanics, just rolled in, gently rolled in over the kerb and as it did, it ticked straight over onto 22,378 right on the button on the sticker. I haven't timed it any better. The pleasure on my face. I got a standing ovation from the mechanics as I came in. That is how you do it. So you would have shown them straight away. I mean, you would have bounced out of the car or were you more humble about it?

You know when you sort of, okay, I sort of liken it to, you know when you bowl a strike and you turn around? And you sort of got that strike face about you and you sort of wander back knowing what you've done. They all know what you've done, but no one's willing to wanting to say it. It was probably more that. Yeah, I like that. Nice. Yeah, do this all the time. What's anyone worried about? That time, Phil, yeah. Go and dry your hands over the little vent and start looking at the next frame. Start thinking about that 37,000. Kelly, that is the best. Thank you. Awesome.

Um, big Willy, big Willy, um, to celebrate Andy's birthday. Can you please Andy? Yeah, about a year ago, I was, uh, moving house and, uh, I had to, wait, is this a please Andy? Oh shit. I've got an upset Andy. Oh no. Oh no, actually, that's a little bit of a please at the end. Uh, I was, I was moving house and, uh, I've got an upset Andy. Oh no

I was moving house and Reaching it reaching it really it's his birthday. I know I can I can yeah, I saw this Palette from a you know, like I was in an industrial park Yeah, so like one of those wooden pallets and at the time I was a mattress on the floor boy Oh, so I thought up that's like the perfect size for my bed So I thought I'd make that my bed frame Yep And so I fished it out of the bin and chucked into my dad's you and chucked my mattress on top of it But it did fit flush. So I guess that's my plea

Because it's a flush fit it's a chance I don't think that I'm Thank you big Willie. No worries mate. The fact that you used an item and it sits flush, how flush though Willie? Was it like? Pretty flush because it was like a tiny, tiny room and like it fit right on top of it. Pretty flush or flush? There was no room for error.

What's the difference? I know Willie, I know there's no difference mate, but it's his birthday and he needs it to be like one playing card with. Yeah, it was that then. It was dead flesh. See you big Willie. Hey Andy, what do you think of this? We had someone who called the breakfast show Christian Show who had a king mattress on

a queen base. Oh god. show who had a king mattress on a queen base. Oh, goh. You can do a king cover on a queen base for a nice overlap, but no, the bases have to be corresponded with. Yeah, to have no confidence venturing to the edge of the bed would be a pretty wild night's sleep. Okay, one more. Megan, let's, Willie, you probably didn't please any that much. Can we finish on a high here? Yeah, first of all, happy birthday, Andy. Thank you. I'm looking forward to checking in today.

Now, my one is related. I've got a little girl who, like most kids, loves her watermelon. When I get the watermelon home from the shop, I cut it up as soon as I get home, but instead of cutting it up into the usual triangles, which are very inconvenient to store, I cut it into perfect cubes, which fit nicely into the very common man Tupperware container. I bet they would. That's lovely. So like, again, to echo the Willie question, how flush? Oh, it's flawless.

Yeah. Yeah. To the top. Lid on perfectly. Do you ever cut an L or a long one to like really play Tetris with it, or are they always a cube? You've got to play Tetris, but that's the art. You've got to fit them all in. Or some Tupperware is kind of curved at the bottom. Would you curve a watermelon? Yes. Yes. Like, not my Tupperware, Jack. It must be nice to have some curved Tupperware.

Good. Thank you, me. Some of that deluxe Norwegian stuff. Hey, I'm hired a truck the other day, help my brother move. Move some stuff. Oh great. How many ton? Uh, dunno.

Sorry. That sends bloke chat. How high? How high? That was high, mate. It's getting another ditto. When you're hiding a truck, it does say prominently so that you know your heights for going under bridges and that sort of thing.

Yeah, you wouldn't be able to pull this guy into a Safeway. Oh, all right, yeah. Probably not a Safeway because they don't exist anymore. Wow, a time traveling truck. It wasn't a wagon. Anyway, I got sent a survey after dropping off the rental. Oh yeah. And I've got a shout out to alert listener Steph, who'd also sent this in.

And that's what made it catch my eye when I was like, we always delete the surveys. Always. I just can't believe that's become a part of daily life. Yeah. Everyone deletes surveys. And I was like, what are they? Hey, how's your lip balm going? Off.

We're done. We're done. Transaction finished. We're done. I bought some SPF lip balm. We're done. So're done. Transaction finished. We're done. I bought some SPF lip balm. We're done. We are done. So they did get it.

Not, you know, they gave from zero to 10 on the survey. And it's like, how'd you like the service at the front desk? Zero to 10, you know. And you go, yeah, happy, not happy, that kind of thing. Steph saw this as well. This is where I thought the survey, and I don't know why the survey has this, but it said, based on your recent trip, how likely are you to recommend traveling on the Burnley Tunnel to friends and family?

Right. Zero, not at all likely. Ten, extremely likely. And this is, because obviously this is in Melbourne, but that like, so yeah, Burnley Tunnel kind of goes from the city out to Burnley. It just kind of goes from east to west to east. You essentially, you use it if you're going that way. Yeah.

It's not like a choice. It's the road. It's the road. I'd certainly recommend it over digging your own tunnel. From what I understand, it took some time and specialized equipment. So I'm obviously going to click zero, not at all likely, not because I don't like the Burleigh Tunnel, because it's friggin' weird to bring up in conversation.

To just randomly tell someone that the Burleigh Tunnel's great and recommend it. And to prove how weird it is, I rang my mate Hogs, I rang my girlfriend Beck, oh, Beyonce now, and I also rang my mum. Hello dear boy. Hello, mum how are ya? Hi man.

Welcome back. Thank you. Can you hear me? Bec are you there? Yeah. Oh sorry, don't know what happened. Are you on your way home? Yeah.

Amazing. How are you anyway? I'm good, really good, yeah. Used the Burnley tunnel the other day and it was great. What did you do? Just used the Burnley Tunnel. Instead of what? Oh, instead of using other roads or ways to go through a route. So from, you know, if you want to go across the city, the Burnley Tunnel, you can just kind of skip a bit of the traffic, Swan Street, etc.

Ah, so you always used the Burnley Tunnel if it was quicker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I could recommend that. Yeah, definitely. I've just missed like three calls from Elliot, so let me just call him back to check that. Yeah, no problem. I didn't tell you, the other day I used the Burnley Tunnel, and it was pretty good. I'd probably recommend it. I didn't tell you the other day I used the um, Burnley tunnel.

And it was pretty, it was pretty good. I'd probably recommend it. It's kind of pretty fluid. Like there wasn't much traffic and stuff. Have you used the Burnley tunnel much? Um, why? Why? What do you mean why? Huh? What do you mean why? Huh? What do you mean why? I use the family tunnel all the time.

Would you recommend it to others? Yeah. Same. Yeah. I know Beg said Emma doesn't like using the family tunnel. I don't know why. But I couldn't see a problem. Am I meant to use it? No, it's up to you. Do you want me?

You don't have to use it now. Like you probably, you don't need to use it. It's coming down Pant road. You're coming straight home. Yeah. Yeah. But if in future. Why are you telling me?

I think Janine Cousins is the other one. Well, she was going through, what's the one that you would like? The other, I know the one, the um. Busy day, Mark. And there was a, it was an accident. In the tunnel. And in the tunnel, and so she was stuck in the tunnel.

Cool. I've used it before. All right, well would you recommend it? What are you talking about? Well, she said, she rang John, cousins, and he just talked for the two of the whole time while they sort of like cleared it up. Or she wouldn't recommend tunnels in general, but she can't specifically not recommend

the Burnley Tunnel. No, she wouldn't recommend it. Sure, it's great. I'll be home in like 15 minutes. Okay, love you. Not using the Burnley Tunnel. Okay, love you. See you soon. Burnley love you. Not using the Burnley Tunnel. All right, love you, see you soon. Burnley Tunnel, not using it.

How, Marg is the dream customer for that serve. You guess that so much. Individually, because you have to wait 20 minutes to make conversation about three different tunnels. Do you have anything else to add? Yes, I do. I can give you four or five other couples who will give you the full spectrum of euros to tens on the burly tunnel. Oh, so good.

Well, let's talk hats. I'm tired. I know you are. I'm exhausted. You've been complaining all week to me. All week. No, last few days only because all week I've been putting it off. And then crunch time hit in the last 48 hours.

Mate, sewing is so hard. Did you do it all by hand? Yes, Jack. These are five... No, no, sorry. I'm snappy because I'm tired. I you do it all by hand? Yes, Jack. These are five... No, no, sorry. I'm snappy because I'm tired. I was up to all hours last night. Obviously the requirement was I make five hats.

Five hats. How'd you go with the shorts first? You're not getting the shorts. Very quickly. Very quickly. Oh yeah. Sorry. That's the prologue.

If you're very good boys, maybe later in the year, I'll make you some shorts. But as soon as I started cutting out the designs for the hat, right, last on the weekend, I was like, I'm not doing shorts. Like this is already, I thought the tracing the designs might take 20 minutes on all the denim. I had this idea that like, there's only three pieces to a bucket hat. There's the circle on top, the strap around the head, and then the brim. Yeah.

Right. That's also a doughnut. That's a circle. It's two circles you have to measure. Your interior radius and your exterior radius. And obviously the interior is the same on every hat, but as the brim enlarges, as our prank accelerates, you see some really big numbers on that out of brim. And I was like 40 minutes into the brim maths on the weekend, and I was just like, I cannot believe this.

I was so angry at this. But I love the joke and I'm happy to do it. The more work you put in, the funnier it will be. Well, I, as I'm there and I've got this idea to measure the brims by getting string and a sharpie and you do the radius, then you trace a big circle. Anyway, took me like an hour to trace all the stuff out. Then I'm trying to cut it. You've got all this fat and the kids are trying to roll up as burritos in the fabric. And I was like, I'm not doing this. I'll just do it later.

So accidentally went out on Sunday evening, got home later than expected. And I was like, oh, gotta cut these. At least gotta get the shapes cut. You haven't even, we talked Saturday and you said you were... I was just hoping it would sort itself out. Just like all good procrastinators. I said, how's it going? And he said, I've been looking at them.

Just like all good procrastinators, if you circle it enough and you build up enough anger, maybe it will do itself. Because I was like, well, I'm not doing you. So it was a standoff. Basically me and the hats had a standoff all weekend and I blinked on Sunday night. I said, outsource. I said, we're wanting to, you wanted to reveal the hats this week. Outsource.

And he's like, no, it's not what I'm doing. I said, look, I'll think about it. Maybe I'll think about it. Step one says make. But then of course, yeah, Sunday night, I was like, I want to outsource this, but I can't. I'm here. No, I was like, it's gonna be too annoying

to explain to an airtusker. I might as well just cut these pieces out and start selling. Like you just gotta get into it. So like close to midnight on Sunday, I'm like, let's just start cutting. And finally I had a bit of peace and quiet, to be honest. With the kids on Sunday, the kids' cousins came over on Sunday and I tried to introduce that as the activity. But you know, in this day and age, how would you guys like to cut shapes out of

denim versus all play Spider-Man on PS5? It was a tough ask. And so didn't get the teamwork in the way I thought they would. I'm cutting out shapes then, and I'm in a kid's playroom because I need something with a lot of floor space. I hear some footsteps outside. Cause Zoe went to bed like hours ago and I'm like, this is sweet.

I was like, this is actually really nice. She's, she knows how annoying this is. It's coming to Hellcut. But it's my little girl, it's little Rudy. She was like, dad, what's going on? She's like, I had noises. I came to find you in bed, you're not in bed. What are you doing?

I was like, I'm just making some hats. She goes, okay. It goes back to her and was like, what a strange, she, I don't know if she'll even believe she saw what she was thinking, because at this stage I'm like draped in denim, cutting out big circles and stuff. So she's, I've given her a weird memory for life, where she's like, sometimes I would wake up in the middle of my, my dad was making five hats. So how'd you go to hats?

Shapes were done. And I, then I put off sewing and then yesterday I was doing a lot of stuff and obviously I knew I had to make the hats by today. And we're recording this in the morning and I thought I'd have the evening last night but I didn't go out for dinner. I went out again. But I thought... You don't go out that much.

I know. I know. I went out, it just, it just happened. And then I went out with a bunch of, by just 70 year old women I met at the bus stop. Come on ladies, let's, we never do this. Let's go out. So I just thought if I was nice and relaxed, I'd be a better hat maker. Started at about 11 o'clock last night, started hand stitching. And obviously by this stage,

I knew I'm not doing the jean shorts, but I just looked at it and I was like, this is so, oh my God. And the needle I bought from Spotlight, hadn't really opened my stuff yet. I'd accidentally bought sewing machine needles. Right. So you can't hold it properly.

Well, a normal needle obviously has a long spike and at the end there's the eye of the needle that you put the thread through. The sewing machine needle doesn't have the hole. It doesn't have the hole at the end. I was like, these are hole-less needles. No, there's a hole down the bottom. It was really dark at this stage of the room. So I was like, they're hole-less needles.

I can't do it anyway. I can't do it anyway. Oh well, I go to bed. And then I was sort of getting into it. I was like, how would a hole-less needle work? Like what, how would that work? It's a mini spear. So I went back and I looked at it and I went, yes, sure enough, there is a hole near the bottom.

So I was like, all right, I've got to do this. That's hard though to do. Tell me about it. So you've done it. You've sewed these with a sewing machine needle without a... Ladies and gentlemen. Can I just quickly before you reveal this? Yes, I've got a pile of denim next to me.

So for the prank to work, Yep. you're meant to be wearing a hat that is not funny and that is normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't look twice at it. Just a regular kind of denim bucket hat a man would wear to a cafe. So can you please put on the first regular?

The most normal hat. The most normal hat. I know what the prank is. All I'm saying is, I just want to see if it passed the test for us. Absolutely. Pub test. OK. I don't think you'll be disappointed. This is a hand stitched, beautiful denim bucket.

That's what Beck says to me when she spent $5 million on some bag. Yeah, yeah, this is hand stitched. Oh yeah. Look at the quality on that. Okay. Okay, well done. Thank you.

Look at the laughs of appreciation. Put that on your head. It's ridiculous. No it's not. It's a regular bucket hat. Remember we can trim the brim. We can trim the brim if you want me to. I think we get away with that.

I think we do. It looks a little bit like, as I put it on the mirror after two hours of sewing, it looks a little Wizard of Ozzie, like Scarecrow. Yeah, I was going to say Scarecrow. The brim is very flappy. It's like a welly almost. My initial thought with how you make a bucket hat was the brim is a donut. I suspect if you talk to hat makers, it's not that shape.

I think it might be a circle that you somehow like adjust the back of, like a cone. Yeah, but wouldn't it have it another like, whether it's paper or something else inside the material and folds on itself to make a stronger bit. That was my worry about you with just making them all out of denim. It's like, as this goes on, you're just going to look like a blue ghost. In my head, denim's so stiff it would travel out for meters. Yeah, but like even on the smallest brim. Yes.

I know, Jack. I can see. I honestly know I've spent some time with the hat. I reckon that's believable. Thank you. You're, yeah, OK, so remembering. It's pretty amazing that you made a hat. I mean. Thank you, Jack. Thank you. I will say there was part of it

during my angrier moments of sewing last night. I was like, how's this? I've handmade Jack a jumper before. I've hand sewn him a jumper. I knitted his baby a beard. I'm making a bucket hat for his hobby podcast. When's he going to sew me something? All my sewing has been one way for Jack. Anyway, that's hat number one. Okay. That's normal. I'm not laughing at that. That's believable. Why wouldn't we? That's the best hat any of us have ever made. Let the prank begin.

After that, when I looked at the clock, I'm like, okay, it's well past midnight now on current estimates for more of these. Oh, that took two hours. Just the first one. Oh yeah. Okay. Cause I was, yeah. Remember me and me and the old ladies, we, it hadn't been a quiet dinner either. And so do you know how small the hole is on a sewing machine needle? I reckon I spent 20 minutes at some stage, no, trying to get the thread. You know how you see the end of the thread, but there's smaller invisible thread in front of it.

So when it gets near the hole, as if by force field, it just bends away. I was like, what is going on? Like just by one thread here. I spent 20 minutes one stage just trying to thread the needle and I was just like, all right, this is taking too long. So I got a staple. What? I mean, there's weird designs out there, but let's just see how the integrity of it all.

So I don't think you would be able to tell that that staple is actually better. It's actually better. It's actually better. And it came together in like 15 minutes. Okay, pop that on you. They should staple more clothes because they really should, Jack. It looks essentially the same. Mate, if they... That's pretty cool.

Sitting a bit straight. Is it a little tighter? Well, it was hastily stabled. Yeah, they're all hand... They're all... The measuring... Is that a longer brim? Yeah, big time, mate.

But that's good. We don't want it to be so long. It's only a little bit longer. That's good. Isn't that good? That's good. Thank you. This could actually work. Yeah.

We're feeling the prank. Okay. You know, I actually think it helps that it's a slightly odd hat because you'll draw attention to it enough that people go, well, that's an odd hat, but not enough to say you're wearing a ridiculous hat. Yes, I think you're right. I think we did a sensible hat, like a top hat whose tops started getting taller or something. Might just go unnoticed. Yep. Yeah, you're right.

Well, this seems like a big jump. Now we get into some proper brim. Also stapled. Yeah, I got through three last night, so it was the last one I stapled last night. Now we have quite a brim. Yeah. Also stapled. Yeah, I got through three last night. There was the last one I stapled last night. Now we have quite a brim on us. Well, now you can't see your eyes. I can look out. I can see you out through the folds. Yeah, but it's drooping down to your nose,

touching you on the nose. I think by this stage, we're going to start getting some attention from people. I think that's what Sia wears sometimes when she performs live. Yeah, true. Sort of a lampshade. Yeah, yeah. OK. Okay, that's how kind of a sloppy Sia. Yeah. The brims are getting big. Hey, the brims are getting bigger.

Whoa. Any, like, measurement or thought to how big they get? Yeah, remember we talked about it and then I was, A measurement or thought to how big they get? Yeah, remember we talked about it. And then I was, you got to understand how. So it seems like it goes like from four centimeters to like six centimeters to then 12. It seems like you, okay. Remember we can trim the brim.

If you want to trim any of these, I've kept them longer. No, and I brought the scissors in so you can, if you want to fine tune it. Okay, pop it up. Well, so I'm stapling away going, this is awesome. Then I accidentally stapled one panel on backwards, quite difficult turning it inside out and stuff to hide the seams.

Got it a bit wrong because it was like one in the morning. Stapled it wrong. Then I was like, oh my God, who cares? I'll just have one panel reversed. It was like, actually, no, that's not critical to the joke. It has to look like the other hats. I was unpicking that. Then I realized I was out to the joke. It has to look like the other hats. I was unpicking that then I realized I was out of staples.

I'd burnt through a hundred or whatever. So had to stop there. So it came in this morning. That's what you might've noticed before I came in the studio. It was a slight delay. I was hiding behind a bench making stapling noises. So these ones have just been assembled hats four and five. Yeah. Okay. Hat four. That is a four and five. Yeah. Okay.

Hat four. Now that is a big brim. That's huge. That's a very big brim. Now it does look like a lampshade. I can just see the bottom of your beard. Yeah, just the chin poking out on there. I think if the waiter or waitress comes down the table and hasn't noticed this, then, well, that's the prank. Isn't it? Yeah. Well, that's the prank.

Isn't it? Yeah. This is even bigger. You know, sometimes when you see like, like people working on mine sites and stuff like deep in like Northern territory or whatever, and they have the hard hat with the giant rim. Yeah. This is like twice the diameter of that rim.

Yes. It's a lot of denim up here. Yeah. It's, I mean, you can't see your face at all. What are you going to do in that situation? You won't be able to see whether they're coming in. That's actually where the joke switches to you guys. You guys have to keep acting normal. Okay. Because then that's the funniness. Okay. And the final one? The final one. If we haven't got them by here, we're not getting them.

Okay. Now, that's just ridiculous. It does look like a burka. This is quite burkery. Yeah. But yeah, well, it's just a giant denim sash. Just a... I kind of look... I look... I like to think I'm more of like an exciting reveal at a car show or something. And you could just do a bit of like... I'll be surprised if we get to that one. It's there if we need it. Okay. Do we want to trim any brims? It does stop looking like a brim with every hat you put on.

Like it just stops looking like a hat. Okay. Well, yeah, sure. I mean, I'm not precious. I've actually just worked harder on this than I've ever worked on anything in my life. So let's trim some brims. I mean, you can take them all down a bit. We could take them all down. No, no, I think the first two are great. And then we could take three down and bring four closer into three.

Yeah, I think the jump between three and four is good. Which is good. And this is great. This is the bit that you imagine the kids mag didn't have time to write about, but they envisaged the fun, you and your prank committee, you know, PS, you and your prank committee are going to have an absolute blast figuring out rim size. And that's what we're

doing now. So trim it down and then are we ready to do it? Yes. We'll go out after today's pod and the results will be in next week. I worry though that we'll be able to keep, literally keep a lid on it because like, you know, word will spread these days to talk Daily Mail. Like, do you think one week, like I just think that people will get the jump on us. Like if they see this level of funniness out and about. If it makes the Daily Mail, we'll bring the pod forward. We'll bring the pod forward. We'll do a special episode. Wowee. Okay. Love people contacting us, HamishNeddy.com.

The emails fall one side of a fence. It will either go to Hamish's or myself. So basically... It does bring us... It brings us some joy when we see one land on our side of the fence, it's meant for the other. And we think excellent. We've intercepted an enemy communication. But on the most part, it's exciting that I can bring something to you. That's true.

And this comes in from Ben Roberts. The message was in capitals, stolen scent! He says, ahoy gusto to whoever's side of the fence this falls. Recently found myself in a chemist warehouse looking at the cologne section. Judging of every bottle by the price and packaging, very common man to me, I came across a bottle of Christiano Ronaldo's CR7 cologne. CR7. There it is. I guess Christian Ronaldo. And seven was his playing number.

Yeah. He said, I thought this one's for me. Sprayed it on my wrist. It immediately took me back to 2017 where I spent my glory days smelling smart and casual before my bottle ran out. Andy Bahamish. Wow. He said, after two more sprays, I was certain.

I have determined that Cristiano Ronaldo has stolen the secret recipe of the spray's fastest selling cologne, Andy Bahamish, a smart casual fragrance for men. Good on you, Ben, for knowing your stats. It was the fastest selling. I bought a bottle. I continued my investigation. I'm selling cologne, Andy by Hamish, a smart casual fragrance for men. Good on you, Ben, for knowing your stats. It was the fastest selling. I bought a bottle. I continued my investigation. I had, it does smell a lot like Andy by Hamish, but I'll leave it with you guys.

I bought in my final bottle. Geez, careful with that mate. That's rare stuff. And I've got Cristiano Ronaldo's. It's funny, isn't it? Because when you, we bought out Andy Bahamish, but you secretly basically put this together without telling me it's the first.

Non-consensual celebrity colline. Well, it was consensual because I mean, you signed something, you just didn't know what you were signing. Yes. Trickery based. Yes. Trickery based legal use of someone's imagery. Yep.

That's a first. So when we brought this out, we didn't know which direction it would go. Obviously it was very exciting for everybody. It's been some time since I've taken this out and had a little sniff and a spray. Give it a shake. Just give it a little shake, yeah. Now it seems to have held well on the shelf. Oh, look at that.

A full bottle of that amber gold. Isn't it nice to see? And now I've got cheap packaging. Cheap packaging, Chris. Ronaldo, you say. Wow, aren't you? Well, that's not the enjoyable experience to open like ours was. No.

So how do you want to do this, guys? I mean, we've got to try and remain unbiased. I'm trying to, and I say this, I was starting this sentence before I heard the unbiased thing. Just if you rewind, I was on the in-breath, just as you said. So this is the last sentence I'll say that's biased. Even just the stance of the bottles, yours dominates. Don't you think? If you looked at that lineup, if that was truly on the soccer pitch and

those two players were standing next to each other, you'd go, gee, I don't like the chances of that CR7. Exactly. So you've got him there. The first sniff is with the eye. And then, you know, when we bought this back out, bought this out back in the day, this is actually what I was getting to before I lost my trade of thought. David Beckham was the one that was bringing one out to rival us. It just seems like football players have it in for us. I think it was Beckham by David or David by Beckham.

It was respect. Respect by DB. I remember he did a big artsy TV commercial, black and white, at the same time that we were trying to bring out Andy Platt. It was respect by David Beckham. We claimed, we said it was disrespect. And then we got contacted. Yes, we got contacted by that manufacturing company saying,

you cannot call it disrespect. And that's what it felt like to us. So how do you want to do this? Do you want to spray one on each? This is the tricky thing. I don't have a lot of experience with spraying scents and sniffing them apart from at airports, but if... Why don't I hand them around?

I don't think it needs to be a blind sniff. No, it doesn't. Just wrist and wrist. Because we're just trying to see if they're the same. Does it smell the same? Let's all smell... Let's all spray CR7 on our left. Okay. And Antibiotamish on our right.

Okay. Andy by Hamish. Yep. There are those familiar spicy leathery burnt brown sugar, caramely, oaky, cinnamony, forest at night, enchanted forest at night. Who's this? Watch out when you go out tonight guys because this is an active ingredient. Uh oh. Uh oh. Yeah that does. because this is an active ingredient. Yeah, that does. And then now I'm moving to the left. Okay. Similar, isn't it?

It's similar. Here's what I want to say. I think. As they both settle in, there is a difference. I'm not completely letting Cristiano Ronaldo off the hook here, but what I'm going to say is this. Yep. Obviously that's Andy Bahamish. A wonderful scent.

Cristiano Ronaldo has tried and fallen short. Exactly what I think. So I'm not, his motive was there. His means was there. Exactly. He wanted to, but he's just missed, hasn't he? Yeah. And it leaves you quickly, Ronaldo. It's already disappearing.

It's a little too chemically at the top end for me. That's just my impression. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just my impression. I think he's told his lab to recreate this exactly. And they've gone impossible, but we'll try our best. And they've done their best. That's right. And they've done their test.

And CR7, yes. Is that his playing number or is that their seventh attempt? And then they were just like, we've got to get this on shelves. We've got Chemist Warehouse calling us every day. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I'm not saying CR7. I'm not, not saying CR7 is cheap ripoff seven. That's not what it stands for. It's equivalent if you- not what it stands for. If you're in Bali and you go and get yourself a bag that someone claims to be Chanel, the badge might fall off. That's what you're going to get.

Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.