Hamish & Andy - 2024 Ep 265 - Don't Listen To This Podcast at 3x Speed

Episode Date: August 14, 2024

Hamish had a hilarious Uber ride involving a driver listing all of his gripes with the Logies, plus an expert at Impulse Buyer Psychology sheds some light on Hamish's problem. Our extreme empaths delight us again, and  a listener thinks they can listen to the podcast at 3x speed.  1. Hamish’s Logies Uber ride 2. Inside the mind of an impulse buyer 3. Extreme Empaths 4. Podcast speed listening 5. Gruff pays a visit 

A listener production. Activate your Internet because the Hamish and the podcast starts in three. Two. Sorry, still buffering. One. Ahoy to me, Tom. Hamish. If this is Dick and Harry, you're fired, Mike. If you got to Dick and Harry, I was like, no, no, no.

Ahoy to me, Dick. Or are we drums? We might be drums. I'll allow that if there's a snare. There's no Dick drum. I thought there was. You're not snare. There's no dick drum. You're not going to the right clubs, man. I love these brothers. Look at what they do on that floor, Tom.

I am of course Harry. We are though the tunnels used in The Great Escape. Hang on, we are Tom, Dick and Harry? We are Tom, Dick and Harry. Oh my god. So did the tunnels come before just using it as a saying to say like every Tom, Dick and Harry? I'll allow this because this is interesting. No, Tom, Dick and Harry was a saying before they decided to name the tunnels Tom, Dick and Harry.

Okay, so that's actually not Mike's. There's no interesting fact there. He just knows that that tunnels were called that. But don't you have to give us the origin of Tom, Dick and Harry? I should have. But Mike took the week off this week. This is actually what Mike took. Oh no.

We're going to have to go to mediation with Mike because he sues us for wrongful dismissal. Mike's just gonna walk away with about 100 pizza lotto hats. He's gonna fleece us. And no wonder you weren't jumping on the bandwagon because usually you would normally be scurrying Mike to the wall just as much fun as it is. No, this is one of mine at late notice

due to the fact that we have. But I do, I mean, the tunnel stuff was good, wasn't it? No, no, very interesting. Interesting, yeah, interesting. But I mean, no one's going, Tom, Dick, Harry, God, what's the connection? What are the origins of Tom, Dick and Harry? Any of you guys out there got that?

We'd love to know, Andy. That's usually the bit that comes next. That is usually the bit. Well, we'll let Le to know Andy, that's usually the bit that comes next. That is usually the bit. Well, we'll let Leanne jump in. She's used the very easy use system at Hamish. Low bar, say the low bar to jump in Leanne. Hamish.

At hamishandy.com to tell us what she's been up to. Make sure you go there. Ahoy Hamish Andy and number six. This is Leanne sending you greetings from Washington DC with my family and I have very recently moved. One of our first jobs once we moved here was to purchase a motor vehicle. You wouldn't believe it but we have managed to snap up a Tiguan. I know it must be very nice. Anyway we're only here for a year so I'd better start uploading this now so it's finished before we head home. Cheerio chaps!

Well well done. Geez how's that? Another country and world's rarest car. Just under the Batmobile. Have you guys found the origin of Tom Dicker now? He's eating an apple, Mike's eating an apple. Anyway... Well and truly knows that he is really enjoying his time in the sun as not a scapegoat. When you guys are both like, who did this? Mike did this to me. He pointed aggressively and then shook his fist in triumph. I'm like an angry villager. It wasn't like he couldn't believe he was so happy. That's why it takes me 24 hours per three items.

It's all the checks and balances, Andy. Anyway, I'm sorry. I let you guys down to be honest. We've accidentally vindicated Mike's job. That's been the most terrible thing about it. Hey, speaking of other areas where you are more proficient than researching three correlated things. Logies this weekend, our little golden goose over there, Jack, he's going for the big one. Congratulations. Going for the big one.

Thank you. Thank you. I mean, if people haven't voted, definitely time still to get your vote in for the goose. But tell you someone whose vote you might not get, Ando. Who's that? You got mine. Thank you. Got mine. That's all. Have you actually, you haven't voted, Jack. Is it? You got mine. Thank you. Got mine. That's all.

Have you actually, you haven't voted, Jack. No, but you got mine by the time... When's the lockout? When's the lockout? The lock, Jack? They make it later and later each year now, because they want people to sort of stay engaged, but I'm not saying people have lost it.

As the years go on, more and more things compete for the attention of the public. So to try and keep people engaged, I think the voting is open right until the envelope is almost open. There you go. I'll vote. I'll vote on the day. You won't though John. I'll text you.

Oh, I will. Now I will. Anyway. Is this his big ask? No. I can't. Who's asking if I want to vote? I don't want to waste it on this.

Got into a car the other night and I got into an Uber and more than a long trip. This conversation almost occupied the entire trip. Get in the car, the guy looks back at me and goes, I reckon you'll get the gold again, mate. I said, the logie? He goes, yeah. Coming up soon, isn't it? You reckon you'll get it again? I said, I don't know. I, yeah. Coming up soon, isn't it? You reckon you'll get it again?

I said, I don't know. I don't know about this year, mate. You know, obviously not being nominated for it makes it. But I mean, similar to Biden and if I'm not going, well, great in my campaign, we might get people tapping me on the shoulders saying, just let Hamish have it. Big donors. Go again. Big donors are pulled out.

Give it to Jack. Do we want fresh blood? So I might- Have you made a TV appearance in the last year, Jack? Could you- I don't think I have in any way. I honestly hasn't stopped some people in the past. I don't know why we're getting too worried about the legalities.

I was in three seconds of True Story, baby, five years ago. Yeah. That hasn't been on this year. So I go to the guy, yeah, mate, I don't think I will. I don't love my chances. And he goes, well, you've got to have a crack though, don't you? Yeah. So look, that's the spirit, isn't it?

I said, even though with full effort this year, I just think it'll allude me. I've got a feeling. How was he hoping you'd have a crack? Well, I don't know. I think he just wanted to talk about it. So he goes, love the Logies, mate. Oh yeah, great. So he's like, well, you're not really, cause you're not really

across who's up for one. I was like, oh yeah, great. Um, and I go, well, who'd you vote for? He goes, I voted for you. And I went, ah, that's very nice. And he goes, nah, look, I'll be honest. I haven't, I haven't voted yet. I said, well, that's okay too. You know,, nah, look, I'll be honest. I haven't, I haven't voted yet. I said, well, that's okay too.

You know, a lot of people, you know, a good friend of mine is not going to vote till Sunday. He goes, nah, he goes, my wife has voted for it. My wife has voted though. Okay. She loves it. Okay. That's, that's great.

And he goes, not for you though. Who did he go? Who's his? So I go, who, I go, who did she vote for? Then I go, let's see. He either thinks I'm you or he just is out. I go, well, I voted for Andy for gold. So did she vote for him?

He goes, nah, Larry M done. I said, okay, well that's, you know, that's a valid vote. That's good for Larry's a good guy. He goes, mate, he's a great guy. Oh, as I said, I voted for Andy and he goes, no, mate, I've had Larry in my car. He's unbelievable. Okay. Well, man, I'm telling you, I voted. My vote's locked up. I can't campaign for Larry because yeah, he's amazing. Okay. Well, then I go, okay, well, you know, yeah, hopefully it's a close race then, Andy and Larry. And he goes, mate, he bangs the wheel. And he goes, okay, well, you know, yeah, hopefully it's a close race then, and Andy and Larry, and he goes, mate, and he just bangs the wheel.

And he goes, I just hope they don't do what they always bloody do. And I was like, well, this is actually good for you. I don't really, I don't actually think I've talked to that many people that watch the show. He's like this religiously, like quite a lot of people, again, acknowledging the, the gravitas of TV's Night of Nights. It's not uncommon because we're in the industry, we know it's not uncommon for people to go, oh, they're still going.

Yeah, yeah. I think that's fair. That's definitely fair. Oh, right. Do they still do? I thought they finished it with Bert. No, no, no. They're still on.

So he goes, they've just got to not do what they always do. I thought, oh, okay, this could be good information actually maybe to give to Sam Pang or something to be like, okay, there's some feedback in the community here. Chance, you know, because Pang, you know, such a good job hosting here. Good chance to give feed passes on to me goes, stop giving the gold to the same person, the body person every time. The lady The lady of Bed Homes and Gardens, Joanna Griggs, because they bloody give it to her every year. He hasn't watched. I'm not sure you're as big a fan as you think you are. Joanna Griggs I don't think has ever been nominated for gold, has he? I don't, not to my knowledge.

And I don't think Jonah Griggs has been on television. So I'm laughing. In a prominent spot. How's this though? I'm having a giggle to myself going, this is hilarious. I don't think these guys have watched TV since 2007. Yes. And I was like, can't wait to tell Andy this.

This is only a few nights ago. Get out of the car. And I immediately start giggling Jonah Gr Green's Better Homes and Gardens. It's still on. What? She's still the host. Tell us something we haven't thought of for a while. Mel, I know it's not our demo, so I'm not, if you're someone that loves

Better Homes and Gardens, fair play to you. That's great. Big fan of Jonah. She does a great job. I don't think she deserves the anger from this man for getting the gold-loving every year. No, no. Because she hasn't. She does a great job. I don't think she deserves the anger from this man for getting the gold like every year. Because she hasn't. She hasn't. Yes. But mate, she's been the host since 2004. And according to Wikipedia, she is still the host. 20 years. So suddenly I'm going, she should bloody win gold. Yeah, she should have

one. Give her yours. If I win, I'll give her. Get her up. I promise. You promised. You promised now. What? You can only get her up if she's actually there. Will she be at the event? You just, yeah, she probably wouldn't be.

She's got 20 of them. I've Googled on her Wikipedia page. If you Google, if you look for the word Logies, it doesn't come up. Maybe someone hasn't filled out her Wikipedia properly. Right. Or she's not been nominated I'm pretty sure she hasn't Won a goal. I certainly not every year as his upset my driver. So You know, it's gonna look either. It's gonna reflect well on me because I said mate. I'll absolutely look into that for you

I'm gonna. Yep. I'll make sure that doesn't happen When you know, you know if you get up and get the gold and you're going to have a great night, I'll look like a hero because it looks like I've left the car and gone, guys cancel everything. They're on to us. Please apologize. A joke rings, but she can't have another one. It was going to look like I'm a hero. I've just looked up the bedding because I haven't eight feet.

I'm eight 50. So I'm down the down the pack. Oh, you can win from there. It used to be, it used to be that on sports bed, it was like whoever was shortest odds, they knew something. Last year, using that theory, I had some interest in the event and it didn't go according to the favourites. Where's Larry on the odds? $1.60. Really?

Yeah. Joe Griggs still a big ruffy. Where's Larry on the dollar 60? Really? Yeah. So yeah. Joe Griggs still a big ruffy. Joe Griggs. Huge ruffy. He's a hundred and one. Should we put a little, I mean, not condoning gambling at all, but should we put a little bit of the show money?

And last time we did this, we bought a Greyhound. Is there, I think, I think it would show... I was going to say an Andy. 62% in one night is a good return. Is there something that we want to be purchasing at all? I've already got the robot shoes. What have you got? Hey, Jack and I worried about you. No need boys. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was a wrinkle. Just a glitch. Just a glitch.

And I can assure you, I know what you're going to say. I've had a bit of a think about it. I agree. And we're going to move on. Here is, here is the thing. Damn it. Obviously last week, the impulse purchase of the moonwalkers, the robotic boots, was discussed. And you talk openly about how your impulse buying, well, it's an addiction and it's hard for you to... Well, unfortunately, in this modern age of direct marketing, I'm vulnerable. I'm more like a more like a species that didn't need to evolve with a certain

armor, like the dodo. The dodo was fine until suddenly mankind came along. And then they went, this thing is an absolute cinch to catch. Look at this. Can run up behind it, just kick it in the head and you can eat it. This is a piece of cake. Didn't need to fly away from any predators. And I unfortunately am an animal like that. I'm very susceptible to marketing and I can just get my soft underbelly and yeah, they can target me.

So it's more of a shame on you to the advertisers. Well, similar to when you see cigarette packs and they've got exactly what's happening to you inside of your body if you do that. We got an email from a fellow called Angus. I thought, gee, this could help Hamish. He says, boy, he's just been listening to Hamish's impulse buy was. I've worked in the field of digital marketing for years for some of the biggest e-com stores in the country. If you want to get inside the mind of those targeting the vulnerable people out there, I know how to do it. I know what's happening to Hamish. Give me a call. My God, this could actually help because I am getting mercilessly pounded by ads at the moment for something. Joining us from the UK, it's Angus. Angus, ahoy to you. Ahoy Angus.

Ahoy gentlemen. Number six, how are we? Ahoy. Angus, ahoy to you. Ahoy Angus. Ahoy gentlemen. Number six. How are we? Ahoy. Angus, so do you work at a marketing company or you're not there anymore? What's your connection? Yeah, yeah.

So I've been working out of a number of agencies sort of over the last decade and doing some freelancing stuff as well. So always keeping up to date. I mean, it changes the field a lot. So I was getting up to date with the newest tactics and privacy laws that are coming stuff as well. So always giving up to date. I mean, it changes the field a lot. So I was getting up to date with the newest tactics and privacy laws that are coming in as well. I'd like to ask a few questions from the get-go, just cause I find this very interesting to have someone from the other side of the industry that's poked

and prodded and fleeced me for so long. So, and congratulations to you, sir. I think in any, in any sporting bout, you actually have to bow down and go, that was, you know, well, you outplayed me on the day, days, many, multiple. And I lost, you know, I lost to someone that knew the game better. But I'm someone that very regularly will fall for the marketing on Instagram ads and end up buying the thing. I reckon I'd easily be in the top 1% of customers, like in terms of

frequency of clicking and completing a purchase. Is there a name for me in the industry? Like what are my known as? Probably just a bit of a sucker, I think, really. Yeah, I'm familiar with that. Like hanging fruit. Yeah, because I would assume I, people like me me pay for like 90% of the spend, you know, like I'm, I make up, I would make up a huge proportion. They're real, the people that can resist it. And then I'm funding the whole operation.

Yeah. Yeah. It's probably, it's just, yeah, a small handful of people like you that, yeah, we're putting like these through college essentially making up the real top percent. So yeah. Angus, if we were going to run a hypothetical where I thought this could be a nice way to step it through, Haim, would you describe if you, like a recent example where you've picked up your phone, you might be on Instagram, and the ad comes up, describe us the ad, whatever, and I want to pause and I want Angus to tell us exactly what's happening from their side of things during these moments. I've actually got two examples that come to mind immediately. Right.

I can either pick one where I'm, I can already feel in my heart, even though I know I will stop using this product. I can feel myself like creeping towards the edge of the waterfall, like I just know I'm going to go over it. This is a great example. But I also have another one where I'm like, oh, nearly. Like I nearly, I nearly fell into the river, but I think I've got enough hold on the bank to maybe get out of the river.

Now, so do you want the sillier product or the one that I'm almost certainly going to buy? Let's go with the one almost certainly going to buy and see. I mean, just quickly, I'd like to hear the product you didn't buy because that's got to be a stinker. Right. Yeah. It's an ad where it's like, you know, make incredible gifts for your friends.

It's a handheld engraver, and you can engrave the back of like pebbles and rocks and things with that. And it's like, to their credit, the artists they have using the engraver, very good. And like wood, start like decorating the handles of knives and things. And there's like a flat rock, like any old rock you'd find for free, he's already saving money there, free in the bed of a river, but you've engraved the back of it. And I was like, oh, imagine sitting down with the kids and doing this, or I could engrave. And that's when I had a moment of going, but hang on, you couldn't draw that pattern hang on, you couldn't draw that pattern on paper with a pen.

What makes you think you could engrave it to such a lovely standard? And that's when I just like reality kind of like, you know, a bolt of reality shot through the fog and saved me. And I don't think I'm going to buy the handheld engraver. Well, let's go the hypothetical then, Ham. Let's go the case study. Here's the one I'm getting hammered with. It's a golf training aid. It's a rubber, well, it seems like a very stiff rubber club called the lag shot.

And it's meant to teach you, like it's meant to teach you the rhythm of the backswing into the forward swing. So it's like teaches you how to kind of snap it, I guess, like a bit of a whip or whatever. Yeah. When you're hitting iron shots. Did you like it? No.

So why not? That's not the point. Probably because you're too good a golfer, but would it be good for me? This is not a personal, I'll talk about it. I'll talk about it after. This is what we want to hear. That doesn't sound like I shouldn't buy it. What I want to hear now, Angus, Hamish has seen that come up.

What's happening? Okay. So here's the ad. Here's the ad. Do you want me to reenact the ad? Yeah. It's like this pro golfer looking at cameras like, Hey, raise your hand if you're really happy with the way you're hitting your iron shots.

Right. I was like, you know, click off this ad if you're really happy with where you're hitting your iron shots. He waits for a bit. He's like, okay, now we got rid of all the kids, all the people that got lessons as kids and I can teach you how to never hit a bad iron shot again. Like, oh please, yes, yes, please. You're talking to me.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to help me with my number one golfing problem. So then you're in. And he's like, this is the number one rated and there's a lot of repeat number one, number one rated. This is the top selling. Pause. Angus.

How has this fallen into Hamish's lap? So there are a couple of things at play. Essentially, if it's your first interaction with this company or this product, then you've most likely to come across a video because they're the easiest to retie get off of. So every behavior you have, whether it's watching the ad, clicking the ad, going to the website is all being trapped. How long you spend on it. But essentially with the video, if you watch typically it's about 25% of the way through, which can be about three to five seconds, you're immediately flagged as a high intent

to buy user. So you've immediately marked there as in the retargeting list. So essentially now you're going to continue to see those ads as soon as you've shown enough engagement in that first video piece. That's why they're coming at me. Yeah. Either way, he says if he waits a couple of seconds, it makes you keep watching because it's just boosting that engagement time.

No, no, no. He waited a couple of seconds for the people to click off that weren't interested. It was a service out of the good of his heart. We know that Haim's already getting fed more of these because he watches longer. I must have watched it once and had some wheelbats. So this is the problem. And I think this is like, goes to the deep dark heart of online marketing. You watch the ad and you go, you know what? No, I'm not going to click from room for, I'm not going to buy. I've won. I've beat the system. But you haven't because they know you've watched the ad they got a foot in the door No, that's just yeah, it's just the beginning unfortunately

So once once they've got you there essentially what you'll move through is to the second impression stage where they've got completely new ads New messaging and this is kind of more like your testimonial So it's those that are people like you are speaking about, the changes that you've seen. Yeah. Yeah. Funnily enough, this ad that I've seen, that is the testimonial one. Cause I think the initial one just explains

the rubber golf club. And now this is the guy going, this is the guy like, hey, heart to heart down the barrel of the camera. I'm going to help you out. Yeah. What's the next phase? What is Haim going to experience next?

The next phase will be, eventually called the conversion phase. and that's where you'll probably get some kind of promotions either at 30-40% off, sale ending soon, it's your harder push. Probably going to be a static ad or maybe a bit of a carousel as well that you can swipe and engage with. But the thing is these cycles last usually between 90 to 180 days. That's between the three to six months period. If you can wait it out, then you'll probably exit that phase. You've got half a year of resisting this. I reckon that's what it comes down to because all these things are usually about 40 bucks. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. I know there's some part of me that ends up paying $40 to be released from the torment. There's a part of me that's just like, I can't keep thinking about this thing. I also still want it on some level. There's still part of me that's obviously, it's not like I'm going to buy it and throw it away, even though I know eventually I will get sick of it. So they know that that's the number that we can't resist for that long.

Okay Angus, final bit then. If Haim decides to buy it, what happens then? So if they've set it up, well if it's for a one-off product, like a big purchase like a car for example, it's a much more considered purchase, you should then be added to the exclusion list so that I'm not going to waste any more ads, It's like serving more ads to you to pay for it. That's the dream. But if they're smaller purchases where they could find maybe like site alternatives or additions to it or different versions of it,

they'll probably keep you on it and start serving you different products. But they'll also, you're also going to be getting, serving it to your friends now as well because they'll build lookalike lists off of you. So they'll upload your data. They'll then find, so they'll put in your email address, your phone number, that company. They'll put in your data and they'll find other people similar to you, um, that are

also prone to buying similar buying behaviors. Good one, Hame. Oh mate, sorry. Well, I'm, I'm fighting my own fight over here. It's hard enough. I can't defend you as well. That's, that's the thing you know, your heart, this is like that thing that you hear about like, you know, day one in prison where they're like, mate, give us, you know, give us all your money.

Like, if you give in, they're not going to go, okay, thanks, we'll leave you alone now. This is it. They're going to pump you for more. You're an easy target. So Angus, just quickly, for, say if we had a company that the guy in charge of distribution accidentally bought 16,000 more books than he was meant to and you had to move them from the warehouse, what kind of marketing strategy would you think would be right for a hypothetical company like that?

So yeah, you'd probably just upload the current list that you've got that have all made their purchase so far. Good lookalike of them, sort of moved anywhere between 1% to 10%. And then it goes out and finds them. You'd move them through awareness, consideration, conversion phase, over like a three month rollout. If you were selling one of these 16,000 hypothetical books at this rando company that we've made up. Would it drive more sales if one of those purchases could also win a pair of robotic shoes that made them walk as fast as a run?

Yeah. Look, if you can provide engaging enough content, you can certainly do some giveaways and some prizes as well. Angus, I hope that helps you, Ham. But Angus, thank you so much. It actually does because you just know that you're fighting an unbeatable empire on the other side of that thing. Yeah.

And there's this part of marketing you wouldn't even be aware of, where we know when you drive past billboards, for example, because your phone's giving off signals to satellite every 15 seconds. So we know what direction you're going in across bus stops, tram routes, billboards, and that links into your digital marketing strategy too. So there's a lot more require that you're, it's not entirely your fault, Ham. This is what I'm getting at. I feel like, is there a way that I could just meet down with, sit down with the entire ad industry and we come to a lump sum agreement?

I don't even get a product in return. I just, we come to a figure and you're happy and I'll never get marketed to again. And I could just go and enjoy things like nature and stillness. Love to look into that. Thanks Angus. Really appreciate it, mate. Thanks Angus. Thanks boys. And just quickly though, with the lag shot with that golf club, so you do think it could

be useful? It's not bad. Confession to buy imminent. Haim, they keep trickling in. This is extreme empaths, people that are so empathetic, not just to other humans. We know that's a fantastic trait, but when it extends to being empathetic for objects, it feels like a big burden in your life that you can go through. And hopefully we can get it out on this show if you send them in.

Just to let you know, you're not alone as an empath, because we can tell that you feel things very deeply that can often be a superpower. But as you say, Ando, perhaps there is a line or it's too far. This one came from Nina. She said when she was during pregnancy, it certainly, extreme empathy came out with her for objects. I can understand that being the case, emotional highs and lows. She says, when I was pregnant, I was at a nice restaurant and I noticed everyone was using the salt but not using the pepper as much. Oh no, what if my baby's the pepper? I immediately started crying.

When my husband asked what was wrong, I said, I felt like it's bullying to invite the pepper to dinner then just ignore it the entire time. Good. Um, we got a lot about, um, robo vacuums, like Roombas and stuff, which I suppose it makes sense because it's sort of one of those things in life that has a bit of a personality. Yeah. I know a lot of people name them and stuff when they've got them. Like there's a lot of, a lot of, a couple that came in where people were talking about, like they don't like to overwork it, like where they just, come on, like, let it have the weekend off kind of thing.

Yeah. And then one person in the relationship maybe feels stronger that they need to like rest, more than charging their batteries, but more just get some time to themselves. This is from Jacob, though. This is one step above that, I reckon. He goes, my mum has got a robotic vacuum cleaner that goes around the house on its own. Mom feels bad for it that it has to do all its work by itself.

So she follows it around and turns the lights on for it. It goes into new rooms so it doesn't get lonely and scared. So I think it is like, sure, clean the house, but doing it in a dark room, no one should have to work through that. I love that. This is from Ava. Her dad loves guitars and has about seven.

He alternates between each guitar to avoid jealousy issues. Which I like the idea of. She says, he keeps two guitars in the separate rooms, and there's one in the study and there's two in the shed. But he'll constantly go out and rotate them again to avoid jealousy issues with the guitars. So good. Why spend the time?

They'll be OK. Jack, you'd have more than one guitar. I do, and the Yamaha, which I love, but it's hanging up now as more of a showpiece. I don't play it as often as the acoustic guitar. Where's it hanging? It's hanging in my office. As a reminder to just sometimes slow down and appreciate the good things in life. Don't always be in such a rush.

Is it in shot when you're on a Zoom? It is in shot in the background when I'm on Zoom. But I don't remember being purposeful about that. What a great answer to the Senate subcommittee. I don't remember being purposeful about that. Were you having to get sent free guitars? I can't remember being purposeful about that. Were you having to get sent free guitars? I can't remember being purposeful about that. This is from Samaria. She writes, I've always felt sorry for flies

that get stuck in the car and then you let them out and they're completely lost. Millions. Millions of fly kilometers away from their home and friends and family. That's fair. That's fair. I often wonder about this. I don't think this is being an extreme empath, but when I go to take the rubbish out and you lift up the bin, like I lift up the green bin lid, flies will fly out, right? Like sometimes, like, you know, several flies will fly out. And I'd be like, do they want to be in the bin or do they want to be flying around?

Like, did that, was that a fly making a huge mistake leaving the bin? Or have I released one that thought it was going to die in there? Cause they're essentially trapped, but they love what's in there. Trapped in paradise. Yes. Trapped in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Yeah, but it's nice to have a bit of fresh air. But they're flies.

They don't want, they eat shit. They don't want fresh air. True. They may have hatched in there, so they might not know any difference. In which case it would be a severe downgrade. They'll leave that, that's like... That utopia. Yeah, that's like kids growing up, you know, oh, silver spoon, everything done for you,

live in a bin, never have to worry about life, get out. Welcome to the real world. Uh oh, birds, spiders, real shit. That's true. That's true. Final one. This is from Kat. As a kid, I used to park my bike at school next to the one that was the same model so

it could hang out together and find things in common while I did the school. I'm not hanging out with a tricycle. Hey, there's a worrying trend happening amongst podcast listeners worldwide. And, um, I mean, I had a young chap come to me just recently saying that he's discovered the podcast, he's loving it. He's gone back to the start, which is our preferred, to see you up to date, but he's listening at two times speed to try and catch up. Now we can't endorse people listening at two times speed.

It's far. That's quick. That's quick. I go one and a half on fact-based podcasts because you don't need timing to learn about science stuff or whatever. Yes. But some of our topics shouldn't be rushed.

Our chocolate updates. You need to- Savour those. You need to take those. Slow down if anything. Yes, yes. Exactly. Rewind.

Then I was shocked- I've listened to it two times this week, but I listen to every episode twice because I just love what you guys do. Then I was shocked to receive this email from Jono. He says, I listen to podcasts on Spotify at three and a half times speed, which is just- That's warp speed.

Stupid, to be honest. It's stupid. It's warp speed because on Apple, I usually listen to Apple, you- I don't think it goes up to two. They don't offer three and a half because they know it's silly. It only goes up to two. They don't offer it for three and a half. Because they know it's silly. It's like Autobahn speed. It's actually not safe for people to listen that fast. So unless Jono can prove that he can take it in at three and a half times the speed, I can't grant him a license to do so.

And that's why he joins us now. Okay, Jono, ahoy to you. Ahoy, boys. Ahoy to the weasel and the weasel fella. This must be so strange to you, John, hearing our voices in real time at one to one ratio speed. I'm really having to slow down my brain to take it in. Oh, you're slowing down your CPU.

Fast processor. Well, we wanted to test you at three and a half times speed to see whether you can in fact comprehend things just across the board. And for anyone else thinking of listening to us at three and a half time, if people are currently right now listening to us at two times speed, we've got this quick message for you. Stop what you're doing. Go to normal speed, idiots.

That should have come across perfectly for them. That's so many nights where I've heard you saying stuff like that, but usually it's, I love you, man. And... So, Jono, Hamish and I had a chat about something earlier today. We're about to play it back for you at three and a half times, because I actually don't think three and a half times is possible. I know this is actually this is ringing a weird bell for me because

like whenever my wife and I have to read something on the same page, she finishes so fast and then I go, well, you're actually not reading it. You can't be reading it because you, and we haven't read together for years because it becomes a, and it's too damaging for my ego. And she, she speeds through it. And then I go, right, we're doing a test and she passed. That was really deflated. Cause I was like, wow, you really are a super fast reader. And you can make, you can imagine how I feel. Cause I feel the same when I eat something with Hamish

and I think he's super fast. I would not want to be anywhere near Zoey. She's blistering. So I know this feeling where you're like, oh, okay, well, we're going to do a test. Ha ha ha ha. But you could pass this test, Jono. You could pass. Jono, here is the little bit of a chat that Hamish and I had earlier today at three and

a half times speed. If you can tell us what we're talking about. Yeah, the gist. We will give you a license to listen to our show faster than just the one to one. Good luck, my friend. OK. I thought they were very funny. Like much more intellectual. I think that's pretty. Like I don't know, man.

I have to admit, I have no idea what you guys were talking about. It might be the audio hearing it. I think it's too fast. I think the speed of the audio was the issue there. If you could slow it down some 350%, I would have a better shot. OK, that was a minute chat at a three and a half time speed. I'll just half the chat so we don't have to sit for longer. But this is a Xen. The concept and the topic is the same. Let's wind it back to three times speed. Jono, are you happy to take that on board?

Yeah, yeah, let's do that. Yeah. Good luck. I picked up something about yoga and then there was something about the mark. There was a mark. Okay. So something to do with not standing on the right mark at yoga. Yeah, that's what I got. Going to yoga with Mark. Yeah.

on the right mark at yoga. Yeah, that's what I got. Going to yoga with Mark. Yeah. There's many avenues for possible stories there. Ando, do you have another speed? Yes, let's go back. You're wrong. Let's go back to two and a half times.

Okay. Good luck here, Jono. I understand there's an apology to make with regards to the opener. A few weeks back, we were with the Three Stooges. What did you say? Well, weren't we the Marks Brothers? And then we said we were the three Stooges. No, the three Stooges and you said we were the Marx Brothers.

I said, oh, the Marx Brothers, which at that point was not correct by anyone. They're making it the group assumption. So as a group, as a group, we agreed that the three Stooges were the Marx Brothers, the Marx Brothers were the three Stooges. I thought they were the same thing, but they definitely put their very name in. It is now Jack the Leader of the State. OK, I got it perfectly that time. That was all about confusing the three Stooges and the Marx Brothers

and that they're not the same thing. Yes. And the apology. It was. It was. It was. It was. All right. So we found that still impressive processing power at two and a half speed. Do you think though the warm up of the three and a half,

then the three down to two and a half helped you? Or do you reckon if you'd had that clean out of the gate, that'd be fine, Jono? Look, I listen to my audiobooks on three and a half times when I'm listening to second time. And by then I pick everything up really clearly. So it could have been helpful having a couple of times. Why are you listening to an audiobook twice? Why are you reading a book twice? Because you didn't quite get it the first time.

Not enough audiobooks in the world. Nonfiction books. Not like where I really want to learn something. I like to listen multiple times. Good on you, Jono, because I love a good nonfiction book. They're always dog-eared, underlined. I have a bedside table full of underlined, like nonfiction books. I don't know when this magical time is I'm going back to then jot it all down. I've never, ever gone back through a book, but every time I read a book, it's

fully with the intent to do what you do. So good on you for going over it. it all down. I've never ever gone back through a book, but every time I read a book, it's fully with the intent to do what you do. So good on you for going over it. Because I think, Ando, we could sort of hear, because we knew what it was. Like we weren't, it does help knowing what the content is a bit. Well, for people who may not have picked up on it, let's just go back to Wonder One. This is normal speed. Let's play that. And we did want to say we actually felt it was quite a useful tool. If you ever do need to make a retraction or an apology, it's quite a useful tool to play it at three and a half times the speed because you have still played it on your show. That's true.

And if anyone was ever to transcribe the show to be like, did they talk about it? You have. We're going to use this in the future. This is the last time we'll ever do a retraction at one-to-one speed. Hey, I understand there's an apology to make with regards to the opener for a few weeks back where we were the three stooges. And what did you say? Well weren't we the Marx brothers and then we said we were the three stooges?

No, we were the three stooges and you said we were the Marx. I said, oh, the Marx brothers, which at that point was not corrected by anyone in the team. That's true. They were making it a group assumption. So as a group, as a group, we all agreed that the three Stooges were the Marks Brothers. The Marks Brothers were the three Stooges. I thought they were the same thing. Are they definitely different?

They're very much the same. It is now Jack the leader of this. Who did the funny, like, hit each other with a bit of stick? Stooges, the Marx brothers rightly so pointed out to us that involve much deeper, more intellectual examples of wit and wordplay. Whereas yeah, the Stooges were mostly just taking a ladder that was too long into an apartment and then getting distracted to their left and to their right and either ducking the ladder or getting hit by the ladder. Thus disproving Jack's hypothesis.

There you go, Jono and mate, well done. You can compute them, but Haim, you are right. From now on in this show, all retractions and apologies will be played at three and a half times speed. Can't wait. Jack, I don't think you're at this stage yet with Gordo, your little man. How old's Gordo now? He's almost two and a half.

Okay. Is he going to a daycare or like a kinder? He's doing three days a week at daycare, yeah. He just got his first report card actually. How'd he go? Hey, how we talking? He's been playing with the magnetic blocks, showing some good promise there. He's been playing in the sandpia. They wouldn't write that. They don't make, they say stuff, they say like... They wouldn't write good promise when it comes to magnetic blocks. If the future pans out in such a way that buildings are magnets and that's where you

stick them together, he will be a great builder. Magnetic blocks were referenced in a positive way. But not with like, yeah, a qualitative thing on it. Like he did a good job with the magnetic block. That leads you to believe that other kids getting report cards going could pick it up a little bit on the magnetic blocks. We've got other children in the class that are much better at the magnetic blocks. Maybe you could get a tutor from him on the weekends. You could just, you know, even just walking around with one block in his hand to build a bit of familiarity with the blocks.

Yeah, yeah. And how much regular block work are you doing at home? It really does start in the household. We can't just do it all at school. You have to carry on block work at home. Good on you, Gordo. Great to see you kicking goals. Yes. There's a thing that schools do. It usually kind of kicks off in, well, kinder or prep. If like, same, you know, the year before year one in Victoria,

it's prep confused me a lot when we moved to Sydney, and that's called kinder, even though that's the thing, you you know that's a different thing in Melbourne. Is kinder prep? New South Wales kinder's prep. So it's in the school? In the school we're doing the thing before year one. Okay yeah. I think there might even be different in other parts of Australia. You do it and I guess it's I don't even know what this is for but it's I guess it's, I don't even know what this is for, but I guess it's to encourage like a bit of class unity and maybe some early like presenting skills or whatever. Classes will have like a class teddy bear or a soft toy or something. And people take it in turns to take it home. Yeah, we've got one. You have to do a book.

There's a book that comes home with it like a photo album and you have to do a page, right? a book that comes home with it, like a photo album, and you have to do a page. Right? Yes. In Rudy, my little girl's year level, she's in year one now. They have Gruff, who's the Gruffalo, like the beloved children's book character, Gruffalo. They, taking Gruff home is like getting selected to get up on stage with Taylor Swift. It really is.

She's like, oh my God, oh my God. Yes. I think next week I'm getting Gruff, right? So the excitement of getting Pig to take Gruff home, you're in charge of Gruff. Gruff comes home with the big book and all the photos and stuff in it. The excitement's sky high for the kids. It is a nightmare for the parents because no parent, no one else in the family wants Gruff at the house because no parent, no one else in the family wants Gruff at the house.

And you looking at the, do you get the book as well so you can see past people's performance of it? Yeah, yes you do. And it's just full of like the bars way too high because every parent is the same, worried that all the other parents are going to see if Gruff had a good or a bad time at their house. Yes. So the standard of work in there, like it it really comes down to class, like holding Gruff up.

A loft. A loft. And you're like, oh my God. Like Simba in the Lion King. This is the best thing that's ever happened. And as, you know, at Pick Up, you're like, that is the last thing we wanted to see. We've got so much on this after. Does Gruff come home multiple times or just once a student?

The first time, you know, and you're chatting to other parents at Pick Up and they're like, oh no, you've been Gruffed. It's like, Gruff, I got Gruff, like, oh my God, Gruff, welcome. We're so excited to have you over. But I'm just like, and so, so we've had Gruff before earlier in the year. And so you'd want him earlier, wouldn't you? It's you actually want him first. So you set the bar low after that. It's like, you know, then, then there are like, you know, some of the pages,

the photo printing's done really well. They might've even gone to office works. And you're like, how does people have the time to do this? There's like beautiful bubble writing and stuff where all the adventures Gruff went on and immediately I'm just going like, how can I pad this out? So after the first one was up for like two hours printing off photos and sticking them in, I was like, all right, let me, we got Gruff the other day, right?

Like we probably got Gruff about a month ago. Okay. The second time I said, give me Gruff, I'll do a quick burn around and like, I can get you content, right? Put Gruff in the Barbie car. That's fine. But basically just Gruff with Barbies. Probably a little bit Wolf of Wall Street-y now that I think about it. Just Gruff and babes and fast cars. But if you look at what Gruff wrote, he had a great time. Anyway, we got Gruff again. Like we've had Gruff twice and Zoe, we've had enough Gruff.

Like, she's had a Gruff full. She's like, no, no, no, no. And I was on pick up and came home and it's like the normal flurry of like school bags and taking out lunch boxes. I was like, now, honey, I've got something to tell you don't freak out like it's gonna be okay but I have something to show you and she's like yeah car accident I'm like and that like out comes the bag she's like oh my god not gruff and so I like a weekend is fine but like a Thursday night that's a

gruff nightmare and And so I went. So you have to deliver it back the next day. Yeah, sorry. Maybe I didn't mention it. You get overnight. Overnight. There's probably like 20 kids in the class. To the teacher I'm like, hey, can we just...

Maybe Gruff would like to come for the holidays. Yeah. And I'll do everything on the last day of the holidays. Would that be fun? I made our Gruff entry. I was like, Gruff has done everything at our house now. So I was like, I've made it that Gruff's had enough. He's asking not to come back to your house.

He's like, the end of ours was like, in fact, Gruff had such a nice time. Because it's like Gruff's guest book. like the end of ours was like, in fact, Graf had such a nice time. Cause it's like Graf's guest book. Graf has enjoyed himself so much. He doesn't see the need to come back. He's exhausted all the available activities. In fact, he would tarnish some of his good memories. You should never go back to where you had school. He's, he probably remembered the Barbies being a lot more fun the first time around, but there

were some awkward silences and he realised you can't recapture the magic of a summer romance. Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.