Hamish & Andy - 2025 Ep 289 - Highly Suspect: Andy's White Powder Results

Episode Date: April 30, 2025

With a “detective” on standby, Hamish reveals the lab results of the white powder Andy found in the walls of the 1876 house he’s renovating. Andy’s also been accused of wearing the same clothes way too often, which sparks a discussion on how long you can wear certain items of clothing. Hamish shares the tale of the mystery undies, plus we’ve got an update on our upcoming Special Skills Conclave! 1. White powder lab results2. How often should you wash your clothes?3. Chit Chat Champions 4. Mystery undies5. Pre conclave excitement & logistics

A listener production. Activate your Internet, because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three. Two. Sorry, still buffering. One. Ahoy to me wall. Hamish. Parts of the eye. No. Ahoy to me frog, Jack. Ribbit, ribbit. Parts of a fairy tale. Ahoy to me the soul. Wall, frog and soul. I'll be honest with you,

as you came in I thought I saw a printout sheet. Did you try to cheat? I thought you must have because there's no reason you'd ever get the eye. I was just going to say parts of the eye and I was looking at it from a distance upside down and it looked like something printed out of an encyclopedia and highlighted and I think that's a schematic of the human eye. So even though I feel like I do know the eye pretty well, optic nerve, cornea, retina, when you said wall.

Well I could have a wall. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, back wall. I was so confident. You don't want the wall with your eye. The aim is to get rid of it. So I was so confident that I'd cheat it properly. Even though he said four, I'm still gonna cheat it.

Soul, I thought it'd be the giveaway. I can't remember the other ones. I was so confused. I was a frog. Yeah, Jack was a frog. That's not in the eye. We are parts of a horse's hoof. That does look like an eye from a different angle.

The bottom of an eye. Yeah, the wall ham, you're the hard outer part of the hoof. The nail. Yes. Which bears most of the horse's weight, so thank you for that. Pleasure. Jack the frog, V-shaped rubbery structure, you're absorbing the shock absorber. You're welcome. That's at the back of the horse's hoof and I am the sole at the bottom. Getting stepped on. Heart and soul. Yes. Um, alright, we're all horses, hoof. Ahoy also to Andrew who went to hamishandy.com

to let us know what he's been up to. Very easy to use system there. Ahoy Hamish, Andy and number six. I think it's time I need to lose touch with a common man. For a while now, one of my cats has been doing a few too many turds and a few too many wheezes in my wardrobe. I've tried everything that a common man can try with no success. So I think it's time I need to get a special guest to my house and get Chris Hemsworth

cat whisperer over to my house. So if Hamish can pass it on to me, that would be excellent. Bye for now. I'll send her details right away. Didn't she ever come? Did she ever come? I must chase that up. I think it's funny because yeah,

Jimothy, one of the cats, was peeing on Zoe's pillow, which is like quite an aggressive stance to make as a human or a cat. But then he stopped and we didn't need to get Chris Hemsworth's cat whisperer. But he did do it again recently.

But it wasn't on the pillows, it was on the couch. Do you think Jimothy need to get Chris Hemsworth's Cat Whisperer. But he did do it again recently. But it wasn't on the pillars, it was on the couch. Do you think Jimothy heard whispers of you getting the whisperer? And thought I'd better straighten up here. I think it's well known in the cat community that once Chris Hemsworth's Cat Whisperer comes in the house, you just completely reprogrammed.

Like Severance. Yeah, they just control your brain. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So that's still on the cards. We've got a lot of things going on at the moment in the show, but I pledge by the end of the day, have a whole day, a whole lip, we're dedicated to the whispering of Timothy. No, I know I can't pledge that because we've got something more. I was so close to sending the text and organizing that show. Whispering of Jimothy. No, I know. I can't pledge that because we've got something more.

I was so close to sending the text and organizing that show. We've got something more important. I have in my hand the results from the lab where you sent your mystery white powder that you found in the wall of your home to get analyzed. Now, Andy. Could they tell how old the powder was? Does that come through? No, I mean, you could get it carbon dated, I suppose, but that's not, you don't often hear the police go,

we busted a kilogram of pure heroin, which we date to have been made last June. Yeah. Or, you know, or the Cretaceous. Yes, yeah. No, I suppose you could get it dated, but no, I mean, it obviously was very old. It was in a vial that you found in the wall.

It looked like a handmade glass. Yeah, like it looked entirely old. It wasn't factory-made glass, and the cork had snapped off inside it, and there was a white powder within it. And we looked up when cocaine first arrived in Australia, and that was 1870s, and this house was built. And there was a picture of that bottle. It was like what we believed to be in this bottle went missing in the 1880s and this house was built. And there was a picture of that bottle in the Encyclopedia believed to be in this bottle went missing in the 1880s. And the

house that we are redoing is from 1876. Yes. Built and true or false when you looked into the records of the house with the Historical Society built all in cash, paid for all in cash, and the occupation of the original owner was simply colourful import export character. No, no, none of that. Everything seemed to be above board and that's why I thought I'd safely bring in the vial of white powder. So you admit it was at your property and then in your possession? Yes. OK, I just need to get that on the record, because joining us on the line, Detective Lachlan Maxwell from the Narcotics Enforcement Division of Victoria Police. Are you there, Detective Maxwell?

Hello, gentlemen. Or should I say Hamish and Mr. Escobar? Now, can I just tell you, Anne, no. Is Lachlan actually Detective? Lachlan and the boys down at the NED are licking their lips, waiting to hear the results of what I've got in this envelope. Lachlan, are you a detective? Of course I'm a detective, Andy.

Yeah, well, what division? Hang on, hang on. Who's the one asking the questions of Andy? Because I know the training that I've gone through and that's not what I'm on the line for to answer your questions. Okay, what was one part of the training? I'm opening my own You should be asking a few of mine here today Andy

So how long have you been importing cocaine for? Yeah good Detective Maxwell All I know is it requires efforts to get an actual detective and it requires zero effort to get a friend You're pointing at lies Carly, Liza, Incredible 10, you guys wouldn't lie to me. Is it an actual detective? Yeah. They're both nodding.

Yeah, but they got like that kind of Wallace and Gromit smile. Andy, I must say that we have been tracking you for quite some time. Yeah, see, they're onto you, mate. We do have a cell ready for you, Andy. So I know that people of your nature, they do tend to get quite bored in their later years as a celebrity and start to venture out. Okay. He's seen it before. He's seen it before. He's seen it before Andy. Okay, I'm opening the envelope now. Is this actually the result? This is actually the result from Oz Health.

And that's I thought I'd get someone on the line that can take you immediately into custody. For coming on the show and admitting that you've possessed and traffic to small quantity. It's hard to take someone into custody over the phone though. Yeah well. You should have got him with handcuffs outside the studio door. Theatre of the mind Jack, I only had the... You haven't even read it yet, so you're reading it first.

This is it. Okay. Wow. Um, okay. Substance analysis report. This is from Oz Health. This is the lab that did do the report okay heroin no it's not I'm not saying that's what's in it I'm

just saying they test they have to test for specific things okay there's no machine that goes tell me what's in there. Okay, sorry. It's a banana. Thanks, machine. Now I'm gonna give you a trickier one. It's just a powder. Heroin, 6-MAM and morphine, not detected. Great. Methamphetamine, not detected. Great. MDMA, surprise if it's that in the 1800s, but not detected. Fentanyl, not detected. LSD, again, 80 years before it was invented, I think,

but not detected. PCP, not detected, but now we get to the big show. The big C. Cocaine. Are you ready Detective Maxwell? I am. Are your agents in position in the air conditioning vents above Andy? Oh, yes they are, hey. Tell them to stand down, unfortunately not detected. No. Illicit substances or hazardous compounds detected. Could they tell us what it actually was, the powder?

A benign substance. So like chalk or magnesium or something like that. Can we demand a redraw? No, mate. Go on. You'll get him another day, Lockie. You'll get him another day. Either go and catch the incorrect criminals or head back to your amateur theatre company

whatever is more appropriate. Can you arrest someone for not respecting the police? Oh of course. I think you're the only person breaking the law here impersonating an officer. Yeah that's true. His real name is Dylan Jenkinson. Dylan, how are you? I'm. Dylan, how are you? I'm good, how are you?

He wrote in during the week and I thought, you know, I just had a quick thought this morning. We should have got a cop up to pay him the custody, but they don't want to come on and muck around. No, no. So, got you going, mate. You should have seen your face. You thought it was a cop. Dylan wrote in this week. Dylan, tell everyone why you emailed the show. So I had a bit of a thought process of when these shirts were going around for a certain character that we should not be mentioning. That just simply wearing a shirt is not enough.

There is time in the day, I could get seven, I could get more than seven shirts, but there's time in the day when you've got to change over that shirt. There is a small amount of accountability that you know you're missing out on there. So I thought I'd take it one step further and get it tattooed on my leg. So that means I am accountable 24 7 and I will never mention this person. Mate, so I saw that and I went, if we need someone with this show, Dylan. I thought you pulled it off really well, Dylan. He smelled a rat.

Yeah, he did smell a rat. Dylan, it's nothing to do with your performance. It's all to do with Hamish's ability to actually forward things. Well, because we were trying to get police and they come back and they go, oh, I don't really want to come on and muck around. The funny thing is Andy knew it wasn't a police officer, but then he at least gave you the credit to go, it's an amateur theatre actor. He wasn't even that. Yeah, I appreciate that.

Jesse, we should put this up on our pipes, but I will never mention Mr Ralph. Look at that, Jack. You're crazy, Dylan. What a waste of body space. It's working. It's working. Thanks, Dylan. No one's mentioning him.

Thanks, Dylan. And bad luck to the boys down at the station. We'll get you next time. Had a common phrase said to me by Beck this morning. Yeah. That I ignored. Okay. And I feel that you would both would be in this position where you ignore this as well from your partners. You would have got it from your partners as well. Didn't you wear that yesterday? Yeah, no, I largely get away with that because I do Sally same clothes quite a lot.

Of course. So I just, she said, didn't you wear those pants yesterday? I said, yes. Pants? Pants! Exactly! I thought you were talking t-shirt. Pants is every day. Pants is unlimited.

Okay. That's why I like it. If we're playing the Sims, my pants just come with my avatar. You can't change them. He's just got jeans on. That's exactly what I think. So I'd like to go through every item that people wear. Yeah.

And I'd like us to establish what is the given amount of days where people have per item. Yep. Pants is unlimited until you get visible mud or dirt on them. Yes, I think so. Yeah. Also, I was going to say tomatoes, tomato sauce, but if you're lucky, it will form a veneer and you can scratch it off in one piece. True. Like PVC glue. I've got pants as six to eight days. Yeah, I know.

I look, I know it's gross, but I still have in my head this idea that jeans just can't get dirty. I will wear, I'll wash a chino. Yep. After a week of wear. Yep. Jeans just seem impenetrable. Okay. So jeans unlimited.

Is that what I'm writing down? Something like that. Player's choice. Player's choice. And then- Use your discretion. Use your discretion. Use your discretion. Don't be silly.

And then a cheat. Any other pant, six to eight days. Okay. I'm really into visible wear and tear on the pant. Yeah. Because I mean, I'm not going to wear, if I spill soy sauce on a tan pant, I'm not going to wear, I'm not going to keep wearing it go, oh, it's still got six days credit. Like I will wash it at that point.

But I also, I mean, don't get me started on when is a tan pant acceptable. It was trouble throwing a tan pant to a fancy dinner the other night. So he just wanted me in all black and I I wore a tan pant. Anyway. Let's go back to the basics. T-shirts one day. 1.5. It depends how active you were the day you wore it. I think that comes into play. I don't think you can do two full days out in a t-shirt.

Say if you went to the gym in the morning, came home, washed, and then you've got a normal shirt on for the rest of the day, that normal shirt could go a second day. That t-shirt has had a warm-up, but it hasn't played a full game. Exactly what I do. If I've had a shower, like, kind of from 12pm onwards that I put on an outfit, that's fine for the next day. Okay, t-shirts fine for 1.5 days, depending on warm up situation. Shirts, for some reason I tend to put my shirts back on the rack and just let them...

It's so hard to wash, dry an eye in a shirt. So I will let those go again. And you also usually I'm usually just wearing a shirt for a few hours one night. Exactly. And if you if we view an eight hour workday, four to five wears, you can do a shirt. I had it down. You're pushing it by the fifth.

I had it down as three. You're happy? That's just the difference in our personalities. Undies? One. One. One plus a night because I do sleep in undies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can. Yep. So you can either be rare to start in a fresh pair of undies at night. Yep. So 30 years.

And then play through to the day. I've played through to the day. If you have a late shower, fresh undies at night. Yep. So you can do a day and a night. You pick the order. 30 hours. Again, if you've sweated, this is, this is up to you.

Depends on what kind of hygiene system you want to run down there. I will wear undies for the other day, get out of them at night, have a, have a very thorough shower and then hop back into the same pair of underpants. No, I think once they're off, they're off. You would argue that once they're off, they've aired out and they're good to go. You would wear underpants all day, then get into bed. I know, but I'm with Jack.

I treat it like the sub rule in the AFL. Once they're out, they can't come back on the field. Interesting. I just see it as a way to save myself the fresh underpants treat for the morning. And when I wake up, I'll change undies then and we go on about our day with fresh underpants. Why are you sleeping in undies? Just go nude. I go undies.

I go undies. I think... I don't know. It's probably one of those facts. Home intruders? They'd be more scared of you guys running at them nude like tribesmen. Anyway, shorts. Unlimited. Unlimited. Really?

Well, again, until soiled. It's up to you. If you can look after them, you can have them. It's like a puppy. If you look after these, you can look after them, you can have them like a puppy. It's the way you can look after them. If you look after these, you can keep wearing them. I feel like because it's summer, generally they get sweaty. I had that down as five days. You can just do it.

They don't get sweaty. They get aired out a lot more. It's so much more airflow than pants. So we're saying it's more than pants. I am a little bit because generally, from my experience, you're out in the sunshine, kills bacteria. You've got a lot of airflow to get rid of mold. I put eight days then. Yep. Jumpers.

Again till soiled. Jumpers can go the whole of winter if you're careful. Yeah I thought unlimited till soiled. Jackets. Never. Never. Yeah that's just a never. Dry cleaned jackets maybe once or twice because they were in a cupboard that got mould.

That's what it took. Yeah. Actual poison on them. Just for them to meet some cleaning agents. Finally socks. One. One day. One and a half.

Yeah, I'm a one and a half. Really? You go socks the next day? Yeah, because you don't love doing it, but if in a pinch you can, you know, like if that's the only pair of socks, if I'm like, oh, these are yesterday's socks, I'm just going out. Like if I'm just driving the kids to school, I don't have any other socks. I always go for, if I'm going for a run or something, I prefer to use a soiled sock. Yes, actually, I would do that as well.

Because I'm like, no, I'll do that. It's going to get drainage. Yeah, it's going to only have a 30 minute life out in the wild. So why don't we give up yesterday's sock? Yeah, I'll do the same. And there's a little bit, because I'm always amazed at how dirty a sock is. Like I put a fresh white sock on, I put it in my shoe, which has only ever got a clean sock in it. And your foot in it.

Yeah. And then you go about your day, you take it out and then somehow it's dirty. So there's a part of me that goes, how does this happen? Because you were in what I thought was a pristine environment. So I'm the same. I'll sometimes see those socks and I'll go, so you like to get dirty, eh? I'll show you real dirt. You're coming for a long run.

You're about to get absolutely thrashed. Haim, of course, our pod's The People Show. If you're one of the people and you want to ask us anything, just hit us at haimishdating.com. Harriet did exactly that. She's a fan of the game Chit Chat Champions. Harry did exactly that. She's a fan of the game Chit Chat Champions. Yeah. And her boyfriend, Nick, is about to turn 30 in a couple of weeks.

What a beautiful gift to give to Nick. The chance. He doesn't know he's about to be. No, but Harriet joins us now. Harriet, ahoy to you. Ahoy boys, how are you? We are great. Am I saying boyfriend?

Or is it husband boyfriend? Is it fiance? Yeah, boyfriend, partner, boyfriend. Gotcha. How's your gusto levels today, Harriet? My gusto levels are good. I'm hoping Nick's are good. I think he's had a bit of a rough morning at work, so I'm hoping that this is going

to lighten the mood. Is he one of these people? Because I would say of all the things we do on the show, people think that Chit Chat Champion would be their bread and butter. Like they think they'd be able to dominate it. Does he feel that way? I reckon secretly he does. He yeah, he loves to chat.

I think I think he'll do really well. I'm nervous for myself, but I think he'll go fine. Harriet, does this get you out of getting him an actual birthday present or is this a supplementary gift? I'm hoping it gets me out of getting him a gift because I've got no clues. So if you have any ideas, let me know. Well, can I ask you this then, Harriet? You're not going to throw it then just so he wins because we want the integrity of the

game to... Oh, absolutely not. No way. I'm going fighting. I'm fighting today. I'm fighting too. Great. Love that. Love that. Let's give Nick a call now and surprise him with this gift. And then suddenly he'll be in the arena to play Chit Chat Champions and we'll get to the special.

Like how bad is his day at work? I mean, does he have a high, very important job? I think he might have had to have fired someone this morning. So we'll see. That's the worst kind of chit chat. The chit chat before you fire someone has to be some of the worst. Yeah, no, no, yeah, didn't see the game anyway. The reason I called you in here. Well, let's give Nick a buzz. Nick said builder, it says here in your email.

So let's see if he picks up. Hi, Nick speaking. Nick, Hamish Nanty here with Harriet. Ahoy to you. Ahoy, Nick. Ahoy, how are you going? Yeah, good. How's your day been? How's your day been?

I've actually had a shocking morning. So this has come at a good time. Okay, good. Sorry, not laughing at a shocking morning, so this is, um, this has come at a good time. Okay, good. Well, we hear- Sorry, not laughing at the shocking morning. You heard that. I hope that went well. The, um, the 30th, your 30th birthday is coming up. Yes. Yep. Harriet has got the you this as a gift. Okay, great.

An opportunity to play Chit Chat Champions on the show against Haz. Done. Okay. Okay. Now, how do you rate your Chit Chat given what you've just come off this morning? I feel like I've got to be funny. She's taken me by surprise. My Chit Chat, it should be pretty good. No, I back myself in against her, so I'm clad as against her. Okay, and not someone else. All you've got to do, you know the rules, we'll go over them again, just in case. You can't ask questions to buy time. It is

simply as you guys know, you using your skills to detect the right moment to come into a conversation and add something to that conversation. Yeah. Nick, we'll put you on hold first and give you a time to take this all in because we've just called you out of the blue. And obviously, most participants get an opportunity to come in. They're interested. Very rare.

Like, you know, like it is a sport. And very rarely do you find out you're playing the sport. If you haven't said I would like to play that sport on that day. Harriet, you'll be up first. We put Nick on hold. Let's jump in. Okay. All right, Ham. Shall we enter the velodrome? Harriet, are you ready to go, Harriet? Yep, I'm ready. Okay. Good luck.

Okay. Hey, Ham. How are you going? Good. May the 4th coming up, Star Wars day. Yes, and the Star Wars Lego exhibition is opening soon in Melbourne by Brickman. Hey, surely you should know a lot about that exhibition considering you've been on Lego Masters. Have you got any insight for us? Yes, interesting.

Tickets go on sale this week. Yes, it's this week. It was fantastic, but she ended with a question. I ended with a question. So the jury will have to disregard everything up to that point. But it was good. It was good. It was actually a smart move directing it at someone. We don't get that move very often, do we?

That was that was good. I felt like it wasn't a knee jerk question. I felt like it added something and then a question appropriate question on the end. I agree. I agree. He inserted himself as the referee. And not often the gymnast has to go and sit next to the scorers and go, nah, that a bit and I agree with that, Ted.

I was a bit of a better landing than that. Harriet, well done. We'll put you on hold. Nick, are you there? I'm here, yes. Harriet has registered her score. Thank you. Let's see how good you are at small'm here, yes. Harriet has registered her score. Thank you. Let's see how good you are at Small Talk.

Good luck. Let's go. Hey, Amma, May the 4th is coming up soon, Star Wars Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next weekend, the LEGO Star Wars exhibition opens in Melbourne by Brickman. Do love my LEGO. My LEGO wall is home. You're a big fan of mine, so I can't wait. opens in Melbourne by Brickman. Do love my Lego, my Lego Wars ham.

You're a big fan of mine, so I can what you meant to say? Can we bring this back? Oh dear. Do you love Lego Wars Ham, which is not a franchise. Not the show. The Star Wars is a popular franchise and Lego Masters is also a show. Yes. Oh, you threw me with the Lego. And then when you were about to say...

What do you sound like? I thought you were a big fan. When you said... what did he say? You're a big fan of mine. You're a big fan of mine? Also, not untrue, but... Oh dear. Harriet.

Yeah. I'm not sure if this played out how you'd hoped, but the gift you've gotten, Nick, is great embarrassment. From his 30th. Wonderful. embarrassment. No variety, but Nick, I mean, what we love about that is the attitude of someone, you know, saying, hey, you're on and just in putting on a jersey and running out there and having a crack. You have both got a token of no value. Absolutely. They're both coming your way. Nick, happy birthday, buddy. And thanks for writing it, Heriot. Thanks, guys. Cheers. Thanks so much. Bye. Gentlemen, a fun game that we play on the show sometimes is the salacious headline game.

We say something kind of very innocent from our lives, and then we see how we use each other's skills to try and turn that into like a clickbaity headline. I want to do the reverse of it today because something happened in my life that doesn't look great, but I want you guys to give me just a very innocent headline. Oh yeah, put a good spin on it. To help me. So my car, like a lot of, you know, any parent with kid or kids, the back seat is just an absolute bomb site. Yeah. You know, my kids are under 10, so we've got Squishmallows, we've got activity books, we got like random pencils, one Macca's chip, just, you know, marbles.

And because my little girl is seven, just tiny plastic shit. Just one piece of like a doll set or like someone's shoe. And it's just an absolute junkyard back there. I cleaned my sister's car out the other day and she, the amount of different biscuits I found. Always one tiny teddy missing her head. This couldn't have been one sitting. This is just... No, it's not like the builder. And the thing is you clean it and within two days it's back.

It gets to a tipping point where you're like, why bother anymore? Why bother? I actually try and clean it out and there's things in there that I'm like, well they do like that, they do like that. Oh, that's good to have an emergency water bottle in there even though that probably hasn't been emptied in about two weeks. Like if it's an absolute, if it's a 40 degree day, the moisture that remains in that bottle that's been rolling around could be used. And so a lot of the stuff just kind of stays in there. And often there's like a towel from the beach.

So I'm a bit of a fiend for keeping a towel from the beach just slung over the seat because I kind of like, oh, it's mostly dry. And if we're in an emergency, we'll use that towel. So there's little bits and pieces of clothes. Hats is a classic one. Do you think this quickly, because obviously my car doesn't look like that. No. Do you think I'll have the resilience if I have kids?

You know what? It'll be the ultimate test. It'll be the ultimate test. That will test you. Everywhere, not just the car, the house. It will really test you. You'll break them. Because you're building essentially like a museum, your new house.

Like it looks like a modern art museum. You have a kid, imagine just getting every single piece of plastic that's ever been made and dumping it in there. That is just what happens. Yeah, right. I was more thinking the back of the car. Like, you know, I remember watching you one day, you dropped the chip.

No one can beat kids. And I was like, did you find it? You're like, yep. I'm like, you didn't, I know you didn't find the chip. And so after you left, I'm like, I better find that. That's how my brain works. I don't. You just, there's not enough time in the day to get. You'll be crushed. You'll be crushed. And we will sympathise. But we'll laugh at you. Anyway, so over the summer and stuff, like there's often, you see it and you're always

like, God, I must get around to cleaning the car out. And one of the things that was like floating around where I'm like, I must remember to take that in, it was like a pair of Rue's undies that was in the back. So I'm like, oh, somehow she's got changed to the beach or whatever, or like, you know, she's just got changed in the back seat and that's still floating around. We get home, like we get home one afternoon, I'm like, all right, guys, everyone, before we get out of the car, we're actually going to do a clean out. That includes dad.

I'll do my door, which is sort of the bin of the car, the door pocket. I'm scooping out like, you know, old chocolate bar wrappers that have been marinated in a short black for three weeks. Dad's doing his bit. I'm scooping out the door. And just to give you an idea in, in Rue's on her side of the car, there's that little door pocket as well. We have gravel in our driveway, like peb, like white rocks. She just has scooped up handfuls of white rocks and put them in that

thing because she likes to have a rock garden in her backseat. So I was like, I was like, can you just like lose the rocks? And I was like, and also, can you take your undies in, mate? They've been in the car for like a month. Like, please take your undies in. Everyone's responsible for their stuff. Anyway, so she takes, she like gets the rocks out, well, half the rocks, and then goes in, just chucks the undies in the doorway of the laundry, which is kind of as close

to finishing the job as we're going to get. And that's fine. Anyway, and then Zoe goes, what undies are these? I go, are they rues from my car? They've been there for like a month. And she goes, these are like, these are, these are grown up undies. These are like laser cut grown up underpants. I go, okay, well then I guess they're yours.

Like, I don't know what they're doing in my car, but I guess they're your undies. He goes, they're not my undies. Like, um, they've been in my car for a month. She's like, oh, who's are they? I said, I don't know. I was like, I have nothing here. No. And the best I could come up with, and I don't even know why I tried off any explanation. Cause I should have just left it as like, well, what are you going to do?

I don't know what they are. Yeah. One of the mysteries of the world. Cause I was like, if, if this is the classic, what are these undies doing in your car? I was like, I think if I was going to have an affair, the back seat would be a bold move. Like we live in a pretty busy area. I just feel like I wouldn't be great at conducting it, but I would choose somewhere a little less public than like the back seat.

Also just given what you said was already in there. It's not a romantic area. When the rock garden sounds lovely. It's nice. The best I could come up with, I go, Oh, and I thought, cause sometimes like Sonny or one of his mates will get changed in the back seat as well. Like if we're going from school to a thing, they'll get changed in that, like everyone will hop out of the car and they would just be like quickly changed into like sports shorts

or whatever. So I was like, well, it could be, maybe it's one of Sonny's friends. And then he had his bums, Undy's, accidentally in his bag and they fell out. And they were stuck to his shorts or something from the washing and they've fallen out. And that's what I was saying. And I was like, this is worse than just going, I just don't know why. There's a lot of shit in my car. That's just, that's just a bonus piece of something

that ended up in the back of my car. So I'm like, it doesn't look great. But I think even, even Joe knows that, like it's never been bought up again. Like she's not like, she's like, what were they doing? She's like, mate, no, you're not doing anything in the back of your car. But in that moment, I was like,

this is where you need to reverse Salace's headline because other woman's underpants found in back of car is not an easy one to spin. No, that is really difficult. And honestly, can you say like, can we make it a gender based thing? Hamish doesn't see gender when it comes to like dressing underwear for himself. gender based thing. Hamish doesn't see gender when it comes to like dressing underwear for himself. Could have easily been a small boy's underpants. Turns out they were grown women's. Or I was thinking like some kind of criminal's calling card. You know how to- Yes, another victim of the laser cut undie bandit. They didn't take anything this time, but they did still leave their calling card. That's true, Jack.

I like that. Because then I'm the victim. I'm like, honey, I'm being targeted here by a crime gang. And you're throwing around all kinds of sassy accusations at me. But I mean, the idea that there's this signature move for this crime game, you could just go for an entrapment type thing like lady next door tries to entrap Hamish in scandal. Oh yeah. So someone wants you to think it's an affair. What were you basing your crime calling card off though, Jay?

Web bandits from- Yes, I knew it. I knew it. From Home Alone. From Home Alone, yeah. I actually couldn't think of any other example. Is it actually a thing or knew it. From Home Alone. From Home Alone, yeah. I actually couldn't think of it as another example. Is it actually a thing or is it only from Home Alone? No, no. I didn't think outside of the world of Home Alone and the McAllister family.

I didn't think, like, professional criminals these days are like, and remember, leave some extra evidence at the scene of the crime. It does make it easier to catch you, but it's more fun for the chase. It's remarkable that we decided to have our own conclave. And then obviously, over the Vatican, they went, no, no, no, this is our turf. And they've decided to hold theirs at the exact same time. Huge sign of flattery. Huge sign of flattery to... I mean, it's a great moment for the podcast because I know like, you know, let's brass tacks, we're really grateful that the podcast is as big as it is in Australia. And when we first started this thing, we didn't think we'd get the audience it got.

But now to be this big on a global stage and then have the Vatican copy you is really, you know, the lengths they went to as well. You think about the logistics as well, really huge. So good luck to the Vatican with their upcoming conclave, but we kind of called it first, certainly for this year's conclaves. I'm not saying we've done more conclaves than the Vatican. No, they've got us covered there. But, and yeah, they've been there for thousands of years, but we certainly had the idea of

doing the conclave this year first, didn't we, Jack? Yeah, definitely. And they wouldn't have planned to do one this year. And that's why it looks a little- It would have been suspicious if they were planning. That's why they scrambled a bit too, because remember the Pope did sadly pass away and then they're like, oh, we don't know when it's going to be the conclave. So scrambling. Scrambling. We've had ours very clearly mapped out from the get go.

Quite simply, we decided we needed a chosen one to save special skills. The segment. Haven't done one all year. Haven't done one for ages. Haven't had a successful one for ages. So the conclave has been coming together. It used to be what this show was known best for. Main segment, wasn't it?

Like five, six years ago, it was the main segment. Yeah. So Jack. People who are new to the pod should say a special skill is we were the show where known best for. Main segment, wasn't it? Like five, six years ago, it was the main segment. Yeah. So Jack. People who are new to the pod should say a special skill is we were the show where you could write into us, if you've got a skill that's not formally recognised by a body or a regime or an Olympic committee or something,

just come to us. And it could be, I know exactly what number to put in the microwave for any type of food, for it to come out perfect. I'll test any pies, any supermarket party I'll tell you the brand, you know, really good, nowhere else can we test this stuff, like good skills. Jack, we have come up with the system that next week on the show, we're going to get a bunch of people that have come forward and said, yes, I'll be the chosen one.

You can't just automatically become a chosen one. No. There does have to be some level of like filtering out. They're going to come to the studio. We conclave them, put them in a room. They decide amongst themselves, like the Vatican conclave, who we all think we've got what it takes, but actually who can get the votes of the other people to really have what it takes.

Are we going to make it unanimous?'s saying. We gotta make it unanimous. I think we have to make it unanimous. I know the Pope only has to get about 70% or something. Still big. We did to look. The Pope, I mean, when they do the Pope one, and this is only according to the movie, they had like hundreds of Cardinals voting. Oh yeah, yeah.

I think they had like a hundred and, I think I read somewhere that they can have 150 are like eligible. It's a little bit like the actor awards if anyone's familiar with that. You have to be a member of the actors to vote on the actor awards. But they don't conclave that, you're allowed to do it from home. Yep. Okay. But that would mean us flying in, if we were going to do it that big, we'd have to fly hundreds and hundreds of listeners to Melbourne.

Would you be willing to pay for any of that, Jack? No. We've established that. So here's what we thought. Speaking of cost and just thinking about how it's going to go, the Conclave's next week. We were thinking, we said five initially, we were like, let's get five people to come forward from a bunch and then amongst them, they would choose the chosen one. And they will all have their own special skill that the others wouldn't know. Any of those five could be the chosen one. Inside the conclave and everyone together would decide which one could be the chosen

one to save this come out performance front of us and if they're successful the segment remains. Segment save and you're the biggest hero in the world. We're just thinking about it like just how it's going to play out next week and some people say this is a cost cutting measure but just hear us out like five voices, five you in there with five other people Jack. Six now. Six voices. Audio wise, it could be a bit messy. A lot of names for people to keep track of. So we thought, cut it down to three. It just is easy to listen to. And if there's one thing we're about here,

it's about smooth audio. So three, now the chosen few will be three that go in. So Jack, have you picked? I have seen over the last few weeks, hundreds of special skill entries. They came roaring back in. Great, great. I have picked a top five and from there I've eliminated the weakest two. And now we have the strongest three of hundreds of submissions. Okay.

So we should say, can we hear the, can we hear just so we get a taste of what caliber of special skill are going into the conclave? Can we hear, and let's not call them the weakest two. Let's call, I mean, cause they're the top 5%. That's not working. They're only just, just missing out a podium here. What are the two skills that missed out? Okay. Sam Allen, skills that missed out?

Okay. Sam Allen, sadly you missed out. He can do the nut bush and the Macarena at the same time. Wow, I would like to see that. Wowee. Now if that guy's not the chosen one, this is big. Okay, okay, okay, wow. This is like, if you're familiar with the Matrix movies, like Neo having a friend called

Ian who could also do a lot of stuff, but Neo is just a bit better. Yeah. Okay. And what is the other one that? Then this one I got rid of because it's something that we actually wouldn't even want to test just because it would be a bit disgusting too. But Andy Rabbit put his wife up and said, she can smell my poo against any other poo. And he was suggesting we do a line of different people doing poo and she

can smell which one's his. Yeah. Yeah, it is interesting. But again, it's disgusting to have to play around. And I think as we said minutes ago, obviously our conclaves are different to the Pope's conclaves. That's, this is another key area where you realise there are a few differences between the two conclaves. No to the Pope's conclaves. This is another key area where you realise, yes, there are a few differences between the two conclaves. No one's right or wrong. We just have different conclaves and different results.

Everyone in the office squatting on a plate and then seeing if she could detect his. He's interesting, but it's not. And I thought two airfares as well, because you have to bring Andy and his wife. He could bring a little container of poo. He could bring a specimen. He could. That's true. Yeah, but that would give her an idea.

Then she could sniff it on the fly. Yeah. That's, that's, yes, no. Yes, can I have a sip? Yes. The lady in 28C is sniffing what I'm pretty sure is a jar of her husband's poo. Someone's poo, but it is labelled and I can smell it. We can all smell it. She says it's for research because it's something about being a chosen one, but

it does stink. It does stink. I'm sorry, you're on the cheapest available flight. That's true, but I don't think I should have to smell this lady's husband's poo for the whole vlog. She's out. I'm glad it's out. I think it's important that that's out. All right. So we've got three better than those three. Better than that. Wow. Let's conclave next week. Next week, Jack, you'll be left with them. We won't know which ones.

I've got the smoke machine ready to go. You might remember I mentioned that last year in the Black Friday, Cyber Friday sales, mocked at the time in my household. But you'll never miss it. This is exactly the right machine. It's a portable smoke machine. It has a flexible tube.

Now people that know the conclave system, in the Vatican, they have the chimney, black smoke, black smoke, we haven't decided. White smoke, we have a pope. This smoke machine doesn't do black smoke, but here's what I want you to do next week, Jack. You're in the Conclave. Say you have a vote and that they all just, because they can vote for themselves, say it's just tied at one all and that there's an impasse. You crack open the door, put the tube out, an impasse. You crack open the door, put the tube out, no smoke. No smoke. No smoke.

Okay. Tube goes back in, me and Eddie keep away, because we'll be outside the door, like everyone gathered in St. Peter's Square. Yeah, waiting for the announcement. And then when it has been decided, crack the door, tube comes out, white smoke, we celebrate. Hallelujah. We have a chosen one. And then we'll see it? Or do we just discuss? What do we do? We don't know. Because we won't know the skill. And I suppose from there,

we'll want to talk to the person. We will have to see it. Maybe it'll be next year. Maybe the show after. Okay. Like we might have to set something up, but we'll have our chosen one next week. Next podcast. It's the Conclave. If our maths is correct, I think the podcast episode is dropping at exactly the same time. Which one will be more widely followed? Watch both. Dumber Screening, that's what it's all about these days. Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at HamishandAndy.com.