Hamish & Andy - 2025 Ep 298 - Blowing Crumpets Wide Open

Episode Date: July 2, 2025

The crumpets are warm and buttered as Hamish attempts to blow the crumpet industry wide open! Andy seeks help to get out of a sticky situation with Bec, so Hamish offers up his “Excuse Pro Member Services” to do the job. We check in with our resident Appleist, Brian, about the ‘Louis Vuitton’ of apples coming out of Australia, plus, inspired by the treasures of AM radio, Andy introduces a fun new game: “What Are They Trying to Clean?” 1. Crumpets Test 2. Bec Birthday Prank 3. Brian the Appelist 4. AM Radio Cleaning Game 

A listener production. Activate your internet, because the Hey Mission and the podcast starts in 3, 2, sorry, still buffering. One. Ahoy to my divergent, Hamish. Just try and guess which direction I'm going in because you won't be able to, because it's often two.

Yep. I diverge. Ahoi to my convergent. Ahoi. I feel like we're in the math science realm. Yeah. Something we probably learned at high school and forgot. And I- It is ringing bells. But I'm confused because is the bell ringing just that I know those words?

Oh, yes. Are these just English words that I know? No, science, I would say, is a part of it. Transform, I am. But I would say it's more geology. Divergent, convergent, transform. I'm out. We are the three main types of tectonic plate boundaries. Hmm. Hmm. Oh, gosh.

Now it's good. That is good because, look, we often complain that if you can't, if it can't be something that you get the fun of getting straight away, then you learn something. Yes. Well, divergent boundaries are commonly found along mid-ocean ridges, and they're plates, tectonic plates that move away from each other.

Sure. Convergent boundaries, tectonic plates that collide. Yep. Obviously. And transform, just a bit of rumbling around. Slide to side. Just changing. Convergent, they create mountain ridges and transform boundaries.

Their tectonic plates just slide past each other. Gotcha. Like ships in the night. Horizontally. Without bothering each other. Not worried. Not worried. I think the noise I made was because I think my son's doing this stuff at the moment in geology. It rings a bell.

Do you help a lot with homework? You're there for pop quizzes and stuff. Certainly doesn't just sit there playing chess. Well I revel, I quite enjoy, he's in a sweetspot because he's in year five and it's exactly, year five is exactly the sort of like level where a grown-up can very confidently remember and get it right. That's why they made a TV show out of it. I reckon that's exactly it Jack, because it's just hard enough for you to have to think for a second and that tricks you into thinking you're smart because like there'll be a maths

question or whatever and you'll be like, what's that going on there? Oh, you've got to add those two together. And because you did three seconds of work, you're like, god I'm very good at this. Do you remember your 43 and you're beating 11 year olds? Yes, but they do learn specific things at that age. When it comes to like, particularly history and stuff that you're like, oh, am I gonna recall that? Ahoy also to Gab, who used the very easy to use system

at haemishnetty.com to tell us what she's been up to. Ahoy boys, gusto to you. This one is for Jack, a life lesson from my three-year-old. Just this morning we were building Hot Wheels tracks and he asked for help because he said, mommy, I'm just a little boy. As I leaned into help, he stopped and said, but I can be a big boy too. And I thought, that's a great lesson. And I know he would appreciate that. So Jack, that one's for you. Thanks boys.

Love listening to the pod. The missing second part of your sentence. I have a three year old and I am noticing that it's really important in a three year old's life to go from little to big. And so he's at the moment now where he's saying that he's really important in a three-year-old's life to go from little to big. And so he's at the moment now where he's saying that he's a big boy. And a couple of times I thought,

it's weird to have a dad who's a little boy and their son who's a little boy. Just a family that's all out of whack size-wise. Hey, you wanted the top of the show today for some important work. Let's get straight into this. No padding. A little, the quick little bit of admin housekeeping, but it's not padding. Okay.

The crumpet, blow something wide open, crumpet gate. Yes. The accusation was levelled by alert emailer, alert listener last week on the show. Just, I did say there'd be no padding, some slight padding while I get her email. Cassie, Cassie emailed in and said, Hey, listen, I live in Adelaide. I went to Brisbane. I love eating crumpets in Adelaide. That's till I got to Brisbane and I ate the crumpets there. They're fluffy, they're thick, they're incredible. Thought it was a one-off. Went back to Adelaide, can't find any crumpets. Same brand. Same brand crumpet, that has to be made very clear.

Yep, yep, because I know nowadays you can get an artisan crumpet, we're just talking about supermarket crumpets, which are and should always be good enough for everybody. You can produce a great fluffy treat for breakfast should you cook them properly. She was blown away, then she was talking to a few other people and they'd also experienced similar crumpet variants across Australia.

Now you do a bit of digging and you go, okay, they're not all coming out of the same factory and then different factories are going to get different wheat. They're going to be made different ways. Is there a way to definitively test where the best crumpets are? Which one's a little fluffy packets of paradise? Which ones are kind of like dry old sponges? You asked for crumpet mules, mules in each state of Australia to go to the supermarket, get the same brand of Crumpet and send it through to you.

That's arrived with us here in the studio. Boy, were they great. Shout out to our Crumpet mules that made it through that we selected. We had a lot of applications, but Kyle from New South Wales, Cassie South Australia, WA Charlotte, Tasmania Phil, and Queensland Harry, much appreciated. Victoria was sent, but didn't make it in time. So at least they are not in this. And also Tassie doesn't seem to have got here. So we've got New South Wales, Queensland, WA and SA.

Because I also was like, you've got to send them them yesterday. I don't want stale crumpets. We kind of got to like send them yesterday, do it today. So sharp turnaround on that. Kyle, who works with us here, he's just gone and cooked them. Not Kyle Sandlands, different Kyle. Just for those- We trust him not having a bite on the way back. Sandlands. Just for those wondering what Sandland does after he knocks off of a morning, come and cook our crumpets. Okay, so Cassie, who's obviously our original emailer, she sent in the South Australia version, but the others have done a great job.

And she thinks the Queensland version is superior. Superior. And that's what we're going to try and back up in the test. And so what we're going to establish in this blow something wide open is in fact that they are different. That's the first thing to be. And I can already tell from the look, we've got four warm crumpets in front of me. I even feel like number two seems fluffier.

Really? Let's look at it. However. And you don't know which is which. You don't know what's come from which state. No, I only have them labeled one, two, three, four. Andy has the key. That's why he has to sit over there away from the crumpets.

He's got the key. Quick look at this postcard from Queensland, Crumpet, Mule, Harry, just a beautiful Gold Coast postcard. This is enjoy the plump fruits of the North. And so you get the sense that they know, they know, and they've been sitting on this for a while, gusto to you. Well, let's get ready for the test. And before we do, we haven sitting on this for a while. Okay. Gusto to you. Let's get ready for the test and before we do, we haven't heard this for a while. Stand back!

Deceptive blow! Look out! Fire in the hole! Anish is blowing this wide open! Amazing! He's done it again! Oh, what a great guy. Another week, another case.

It is an absolute barrage of cases. It's like we're in a mine. Oh gosh. Someone, stop for a sec. Clear the rubble. Get the gold. All right. I guess I just go through from one, two, three, four.

On first looks, I'd give the appearance to number two, but that could have come down to how Kyle toasted them. Yep. But here we go. Got to say to these, I'm just doing crumpet and butter for those that are a butter aficionados, I went for Pepesaya butter. Oh, good butter. The best cause the company's paid.

Now you would know there's little silver. It's the silver wheel. It looks like a brie cheese. Looks like a Bree cheese. Yeah, big nose guy. And that's fine to say that because that's their ad. They say the big nose guy. I'm going to go, he knows. Yeah, he knows. He put himself on there.

He deliberately goes in profile too, so he's milking it. All right, before you jump in, everyone at home will hear what state the crumpet's from. As we go through this. The first crumpet is from South Australia. Fluffy. The rim and base of the crumpet. Oh, crumpets are good. I'm just listening to a guy eat. No, no.

But you've got to admit, like, this is a subjective test, so you have to involve your emotions. Yes. A little chewy on the rim. I probably didn't get as much. The difference between the top, the cloudy bit, and the base, I feel like the texture changes close to the bass there. Okay. That's a number one. Number two, everyone will be able to hear which state this came from now.

Haim, what are you feeling about that? That was a good Crumpert. Okay. Better than one or worse than number one? I feel like it's slightly thicker than one. Slightly thicker. Thicker, which makes it better? Okay.

Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, yeah. Thick and fluffy. Number three. Number three. This one's from... New South Wales. Okay.

Noticeably chewier. Tough. Much tougher on the bite. Mm-hmm. Your least favorite so far? Well, I noticed it. During the chewing session there, you were again, I'm not trying to brag, but my teeth were able to overpower it easily and mash the crumpet into submission.

So it becomes what I want it to become. But in that initial bit, it had a lot more resistance on the crumpet than number one or two. In a bad way? Yeah, I would say it didn't kind of like... Fluffy falls apart and that put up a fight. Is that ranking three now? If you had to rank them? No, that is number three, but is that ranking number three in yours?

Yes, it is. So, so far I'd say we got two, one, three. Order of podium. This, it is. So, so far I'd say we've got two, one, three. Two, one, three. Yep. Order of podium. This last one is from... Western Australia. Four. Yeah, four again, but it tastes a little, that might even taste a little dryer. Now that could be user error because I bid in, you know, sometimes the cross curls up.

I'd be in at a slightly curled up bit. I put that down to my own fault. I was excited and I just jumped in there. I could have been into a better position on the crumpet. So it might be a cooking issue, but I'd say, um, in order of success, we've got. Two, one, four, three. Okay. Can you say categorically that they're different now? Yeah, I felt it. Yeah. Yep.

And Kathy was suggesting that the one from Queensland? Yep, was the best. And I suppose we're just testing the other states. We're just testing the other states because it's fun to eat more crumpets. Well Haim, I'm going to go from the bottom to top. Really bad news for you as you live in Sydney, but your least favourite crumpet is in your hometown.

Wow. New South Wales crumpet is the inferior Crumpet, and I see. Second, don't bother getting on a plane because the other, the second most inferior is a Western Australian Crumpet. Long way to travel. Good wheat in WA, but so you wonder what's going on. You wonder what's going on there. And then obviously if I say second, it's going to give away first. So I'll just do first. You've managed to correctly identify what Cassie is saying. Oh my God.

The Queen's only slough is. Oh my God. And even from appearance as it came in. And look, I'll be honest now with the benefit of hindsight, you know, the others, one, four and three were close. It really was just two that had that little, it just, the others one, four and three were close. It really was just two that had that little. It just had the X factor about it from the beginning. It was so sure of itself. Yeah.

As Harry, the mule said, they are plump fruits of the North. How is this? Why are they fluffier? I'm as shocked as anyone else is because really, let's again be honest, the chances there were just one in four. Like, I mean, you would think going into this, I had the thought as they came in, I went, okay, this has been exciting, but this could just be four grumpets. And we just, this is random. But two from the get-go felt different and bloody hell.

Even looked different. You identified it as fluffier to the eye, but also to the taste. It's like when you go back and you see young footage of, you know, superstars or whatever, like when you see Gosling and the Mickey Mouse Club and you go, look, I know I'm just saying this because I know it's Ryan Gosling now, but he had it. He had it from a young age. And I just felt that way with the Queensland Crumpet as it came in.

It charmed me from first look. It didn't disappoint when I bit through it. And then the others couldn't do it in the big dance. And the groundbreaking revelation is the same company. You're getting different crumpets in different states, which I mean, I don't want to steal your thunder. Do you want to point to Jack for the explosion or do you want me to? Yeah, I'm just saying, I mean, when Queensland gets wind of this, they're seeing they're

going, you know, we've got the barrier reef and everything else. You've got the Olympics coming up. Now we've got this. They just can't be I follow a script, or I have to ring someone to get out of a sticky situation, the script that you provide will be perfect for the conversation and get me out of the sticky situation. Think of it like a late night TV commercial. At Excuse Pro services, if you follow our script, at Excuse Pro, you will get out of anything that you've found yourself in, whether it be hot soup or hot poop, we will try our best to get you out.

If you follow the script, what we need is a few simple details. You've got to fill out our intake form. I might as well do the intake form with you now Okay, yeah sure because this is relates to an issue that you had on Well, specifically May the 19th. I believe it was yeah birthday a few a few weeks ago now It's kind of thing you get reminded of but I did forget to say happy birthday to Bec when I woke up and it was her birthday. Wow. For a man who receives so many happy birthdays every single day.

Don't celebrate them. I know, I know. And Ando, just so I can fill out the form here, how many hours into the day was it when you said happy birthday? Under two. We'll call it two. And did you remember yourself or you prompted? I may have been prompted.

Yeah. Okay. And it's you woke up, you went out from what I understand from your form you've pre-filled in. Yep. You went for a walk with the dog. Yes. And it was when you're outside across the road from your apartment building in the park. At the park, yep. That you were prompted.

Does this day ring a bell? Yep. In any way? Yep. That's fine. And look, can I just say off the top of the bat here at Excuse Pro Member Services, we don't judge. We just need the facts.

Getting judged over here by Jackie McJackster. How is Bex's reaction? Sometimes our interns will judge you. Yeah, for sure. They haven't done the full training. We are a little bit shocked. What did Bex say? I can't remember specifically, but it's

just like what a great way to start my birthday or something like that. Walking the dog. Okay, we can fix this. That's fine. A couple of things here. So the target is Beck. Yep. And you live in, at the moment you live in an apartment building, is that correct? Yeah. Great. How many floors is the apartment building? 12. It's 12. That's all good. We can make that work. And I just have to ask this, it's just part of the intake form, comfortable

line. Oh yeah. Great. Good. That's the whole basis of the scheme. Yeah. Okay. Great.

Well, I think we've got everything we need. I'll just send you the script now. Tell me what you think about it. One of our dedicated excuse crafters has worked on this script. Okay. We're very happy with his work. Okay. And I think you will be too. Okay.

I'm getting it now. And do we do it? One of our platinum members. Do I? Let's do a rehearsal because I want you, whilst you actually, you obviously have to follow the script to a T. It's important it sounds conversational. Okay.

So, ring, ring, ring, ring. You pick up. I imagine. Hello. Hi, honey. I hope you're having a great day. Oh, I am. What's going on?

I just wanted to bring something up that has been bugging me for five or six weeks, but, you know, since we're getting married, why are you the interns laughing at me? It just seems like a long time to be mulling it over, but it is what it is. But I think that adds gravitas to it. Since we're getting married, I wanna be a bit better at not having anything unspoken between us. I agree, that's yeah, good policy.

It's in regards to your birthday, and me not saying happy birthday until a walk in the dog a few hours into the day. Oh, yes, I remember. Now, I completely acknowledge that it would have seemed a little weird and kind of neglective or negligent. And that must not have been nice for you. But I guess what we're doing there, Ando, whether you've done this before in your relationship or not, is just establishing some empathy. Great. No, no, I haven't done that.

I just might notice you stumbling over the words. So some of these could be, but again, remember, follow the script. This will all make sense. You sure? We don't have to adjust anything? All right. This will all make sense. But I can now reveal that the real reason I didn't say it was that I was trying to organise something very, very special that morning that meant I couldn't say it

until we were in the park. Oh, okay. Go on. I organized a window washing company in our apartment. I organized with the window washing company. Sorry. It's very important. I organized with the window washing company at our apartment building, High Rise Window

Solutions to hang a giant happy birthday back sign off the window washing rig. And it was meant to be out there when we're outside. And I wanted a giant 10-foot sign to be the first one that you saw. OK, yeah. So don't rush that. That's the killer bit. So you'd organize with the window washing company,

IRI Solutions. We've included the window washing company's name there to add some believability. A giant happy birthday. A giant happy birthday Beck sign off their window washing rig. Okay, now I'm back in character. Oh, right. Okay.

Well, that's weird, but thank you. That's so romantic. Then when I didn't see it there, you probably noticed me on my phone. I was texting them trying to figure out what went wrong. They said that have it up when we got back. That's why I was holding out. Annoyingly, they never got it up. Oh, so you organized a 10-foot happy birthday sign for me.

I fought with them all day. Well, yeah, okay. You could have just said happy birthday. I really appreciate you coming to watch me play hockey that night. I'm not sure if we need to include the fact that- Because that's what she did on the day of the birthday. Yeah, she did. I think you have to say thanks for coming to my hockey game on your birthday.

Okay. I really appreciate you coming to watch me play hockey that night, even though you missed my goal. She, she did miss the goal. You said in your intake form, she got there late and she missed your goal. You probably noticed I was a bit distracted at the drinks afterwards because I was still talking to the window washing company, trying to get the bloody banner organized because I spent thousands on it.

I did notice you were a bit distracted, yes. And so in the intervening weeks, I've been trying to get them to make it up to me, but I just heard this morning they've gone bankrupt and have completely vanished without a trace. So I thought I'd better let you know that on what's happening, I explained the reasons and explain the reasons I may have looked uncaring the morning of your birthday. Yep. Okay. Well, that does make a lot of sense now.

It feels great to let you know the real story. Boom. Wow. Huge. It sense now. It feels great to let you know the real story. Boom. Wow. Huge. Good. It's really good. Okay. It's really good. We got what we got.

Ten meter sign. And that's why, and I think you add that bit in like, in the intervening weeks, I've been arguing them because it makes it sound like that's what you haven't told her this earlier. You were hoping they'll do a make good and then you've just found out they're bankrupt, gone without a trace and off the internet. And so they've vanished. And I don't stray from this script.

Well, yeah, read it properly. No, I will. Obviously. That's why I wanted you to have a go. I've just made it a bigger font as well. Okay, great. But don't stray from it. What if she goes and asks me something else?

You have permission to loose, to do some very, very, very constrained improvising to get it back on track. Constrained. It's yes, but. Okay, yes, but. Here we go. Hey, honey. I hope you're having a great day. Yeah, you too.

I just wanted to bring something up with you. It's been bugging me the last five or six weeks and, you know, since we're getting married, I just wanted to... What? Just be a bit better at having these kind of conversations and anything unspoken between us. Yeah, you're trying to prank me. Why would you think that? I can hear it in your voice. Well, I know, I'm just, it's just in regards to your birthday.

What? And me not saying happy birthday when we're walking the dog a few hours into the day. Yeah, so what's, why is that my problem? Well, I just, you know, I completely acknowledged that, you know, I would have seemed a little weird and kind of negligent and I just, that wouldn't have been nice for you. It was fine. It was fine? Yeah, but I can now reveal the real reason.

I didn't say it was that I was trying to organize something very special for you in the morning and I couldn't say it at the time. What was it? Still haven't got it. Well, I had organized a window washing company, the window washing company for our apartment, the high rise window solutions. Oh, shut up. I'm running late. Okay, well, no, I had to hang a giant happy birthday Beck sign off the window washing rig. And it was meant to be outside and I wanted the giant 10 foot sign to be the first

one that you saw on the day. Okay, great. And then when I didn't see it, you probably noticed that I was on my phone, I was texting them trying to figure out what went wrong. And you know, they said they would get it up there. And that's why I was texting them trying to figure out what went wrong. And, you know, they said they would get it up there and that's why I was holding out and annoyingly they just never got it up there. And I fought with them all day. Cool. Yeah. And so I mean, it's a Tuesday.

I know that you're in at the top post. Yeah, mate, mate. What am I meant to keep going here, Em? I mean, you said it was just the way you read it was so clunky. It was so bad. So clunky, Begg. He's stumbling, stopping halfway through sentences to go to the next paragraph. It's not really the way I was speaking.

It's not written conversationally to me. Jack, in the hands of a professional, it absolutely is conversational. conversationally. Jack, in the hands of a professional, it absolutely is conversational. Anyway, I did it. Also, Bec picked that it was a prank so far earlier, but Hamish kept silently doing it, keep going, keep going, because he was eating something. I could hear it in your voice. Maybe you've lost it.

Maybe you've lost the ability to prank me, Andy. I haven't lost it. You will be pranked by to prank me, Andy. I haven't lost it. You will be pranked by the end of the year. But Bec. It's just, I'm using a service. It's called, it is an excuse management service. And to be honest, I don't think I'll use them again. Okay.

Keep an eye on the outside of the building because that happy birthday Bec sign might be there soon. I think you know what, it actually would have been a welcome birthday gift. The windows need a cleaner. Okay. No sir, they're putting a sign up. They're putting a sign up.

Yeah. They're not cleaning the windows. Anyway... Well they've gone bankrupt now if you actually listen to the end of the script. But it doesn't matter. Anyway, I really appreciate you coming to watch me play hockey even though you missed my goal. Oh you're fine, I don't think you'd have to do that.

Not to mention chicken soup. Yeah, yeah. Sounds like a cool birthday, your head back. Lucky duck. This is 35. I know. See you, darling. Quiet go to plan. We're not taking responsibility for that, mate. You budget it. Hey, ABC News broke this story.

And I know we're not a huge topical news podcast, but- We, this is about the right length for our algorithm. Yes. ABC News breaks it. We sit on it. We think about it. We go, yeah, that was interesting, and then we bring it up. And there's certain areas that we go, yeah, that's us.

We don't have many, but a couple of areas we claim complete dominion over, and this is one. This is the title of the article. The success of Bravo as Western Australia's most popular Apple export, could pave the way for more varieties. Yes, there's a new Apple in town. They call it the Louis Vuitton of apples, and it's a huge export in WA. When we have any Apple news, we get Brian Frangion from the States.

He is the Apple-ist. People who haven't heard him before, here's some of his work. Hello everybody. Good to be back. I hope since I've left everyone's taken their red delicious apples and thrown them in a dumpster and set it on fire. The worst apple in America.

There's a new apple coming to town that people feel like might be the next big thing in Appalandia. And that is the Cosmic Crisp. The Granny Smiths also an Australian one. Absolutely terrible. Granny Smith is the 16th worst apple on the Apple list. It's got the acidic kick of expired medicine and like the it's got a filmy texture. It's a mediocre apple from a from a fruit company that's wildly inconsistent. It is a celebrity apple, but it's more like a reality star

as opposed to Tom Cruise or something, because it's- Yeah, yeah. There's no substance. You hear about it all the time. You hear, but then you, in person, it's not as good. I have no children. All I have to leave behind in this world is my reviews and recommendations of apples,

and if there is even one person who is disappointed by that, then my entire life is put into question. Brian, ahoy to you. Thanks for joining us, mate. Hello. Oh, it's so good to be back. I'm so happy to be back to talk about apples. It's literally the only thing that anyone asked me about. Well, I mean, you've carved a niche and you're sitting atop the pile of all

apples, casting a judgmental eye and taste bud across them. First thing I guess we got to ask you is we're getting a lot of people writing in going, Hey, has Brian heard about this? Does he know about this apple? It's blown up in Western Australia. Have you had the Bravo? Oh my, I am way ahead of everybody. Cause I was in Australia three years ago and I got to sample an early version of the Bravo Apple before, before the rest of the world, before it was in the news.

You think that I didn't try this apple before it's in the mainstream news? Wow. So you're like a talent scout. That's right. I seek out these apples. I try to find them. I'm a man whose life revolves around apples. And I think it would be a discount to my entire being if I didn't try them before the general public. So how did you learn? Well, how did you learn about the Bravo three years ago? And they're just cottoning on now. That's right. Well, I coincidentally visited Australia three years ago and I happened upon one.

I mean, apart from that bit in the Bible with the snake, that's one of the most mysterious apple stories I've ever heard. How did you happen upon one? I was in Australia. I don't go to Australia very often, even though it is one of my favorite places to go. And I said, well, while I'm here, I must seek out the apple varieties in season. And it just so happened that the Bravo apple was fresh off the presses and I got to try one three years ago. Well, talk us through the Bravo. Yeah, it's apparently also known as the Saluna overseas. Now is that the same apple, but they're just rebranding it? Yeah. Well, there's a couple of reasons for for that and one of them might actually be underhanded.

The Bravo Apple is a trademarked Apple which is very similar to Australia's own Pink Lady Apple. That means it requires very stringent quality standards in order to actually be sold under the Bravo name. So for example, if you're buying a pink lady in the store and you, you know that the flavor profile, the sweetness, the skin, the look of it all reached a certain threshold of standard. If it doesn't reach that threshold, it's called a Crips pink. Really? That's right. Crips pink, which you should throw right in the trash.

It should have its own Cri crypt and it should be buried. Don't be fooled by these underhanded grocers who are trying to sell you Crips pink and tell you their pink lady prices. They're not the same app. Well, they are the same Apple, but they're just- Just didn't. The vintage wasn't right. That's right.

The Bravo Apple is the same thing. It's a trademarked Apple and therefore they have stringent quality standards. That's why whenever you see a Bravo in the store it is the most handsome apple you will ever come across. If I could be an apple I would be a Bravo Apple because I know that I would be the most handsome apple in town. The Bravo Apple is this consistently beautiful apple. Every single apple that you see is nearly perfect. And the reason for that is, is because they take all the ugly ones and they throw them away. Really?

They won't give just any apple the Bravo badge. So the naming of the Bravo Apple is apt. Like they obviously just tried it and there was a slow hand clap and they were like, well, we've Bravo, we've done it. And there's, we just can't name it anything else. It's a great name for an apple. And equally as great is how bad the saloon name is. Do you know what saloon means?

No. Sun moon. Right. No, it does sound like a Hyundai nine seater model. I just can't, I don't understand what they, what they were thinking, taking a name like Bravo and then internationally marketing as an apple called the sun moon, which it has nothing to do with the sun or the moon. It doesn't look like the sun or the moon. Maybe if it was a yellow apple and a white apple, it's either sun and the moon, But it's this beautiful burgundy apple that's named after a white rock in the sky.

So we, for the lay people, we look at the pink lady as the high standard here in Australia. Where does the Bravo sit alongside the pink lady? Well, I would prepare for your mind to be blown because I predict right here on Hamish and Andy that within the next 10 to 20 years, the Bravo Apple will overtake the pink lady as the most popular apple in Australia. Now that is a timeline we can get around. I'm going to take a leaf out of your book, Brian, because I accidentally sometimes put six to 12 month limits on things thinking that will never happen. But 10 to 20, that sounds like where I want to put my predictions. As you put in the clips, I predicted on your show that the Cosmic Crisp Apple was going

to be the next big apple in Applandia. I think that was in 2020 or something. Now it's 2025, five years later, and what I said came true, what I said came to pass the Cosmic Crisp has overtaken one apple after another. It's moving up the ranks in the international apple rankings. It's moving up the ranks in my apple rankings and it is becoming the most popular apple in the world, whether you like it or not. Okay, now the Bravo's also storming towards that pinnacle. I mean, is there a way, we don't offer financial advice on this show. You know, we do from time to time, we'd always check with your local accountant. But I, can you, can you invest in Bravo Apples?

I mean, should we take some money as a show? This is like our crypto. Or are we too late? Are we too late? Are we too late? Have we missed the Apple rush? I would suggest investing, finding out. I don't think there is a way to invest. I'm not going to lie.

Yeah. Seemingly you could invest in the orchard or in the distribution company, but it's very unlikely that an Apple orchard is on the public market. Fragi, thank you so much for joining us. The Applist, everybody, you can look him up. But we really appreciate that. That is, look, some kind of endorsement. Set your alarm. Set your calendars. An Australian Apple. 2035 to 2045, somewhere in that zone. the Bravo will rise to the top of the pile.

See you, Brad. Thanks, Brian. Bye. Guys, I was in the car last night and a game happened to me just due to circumstance. I tuned in, I got in the car, it was on AM radio and I must have been listening to a cleaning specialist where people ring up. I think I've heard her on before. Yeah.

Where people ring up and talk about the stain or the thing that they want to clean. And she- You've heard this as well, Jack? I think she's got a regular segment once a week. I've heard it before. It must be regular on Mondays because Because a guy did say as I continue this thing. Sorry. I have to say, mere seconds ago, I was scoffing at this segment and now I think

I would like to listen to it. You'll be surprised at how much you lean into the radio to find out how to get like red wine out of a cup. Yeah, I'm interested. I am interested. When I joined, she was describing the remedy, but I didn't know what they were trying to clean. And I was left going, what are they trying to clean? That's a good, that's a great day. So I've gone back and got the audio from

last night's cleaning segment. And I've got two bouts and two rounds of what are they trying to clean? Yes, one AM radio's treasure is our treasure as well. Yes, because the weird thing was, I heard, I finally found out what they were trying to clean the first one, got a call in the middle, the call completed, and then I was in the middle of the second remedy and I got to play the game again. How does it work? Do we just yell out what we think the stain is or does it have to be stain in something? The first thing is what they're trying to clean. Today it's not a specific stain, it's a thing they're trying to clean. You'll hear from the cleaning expert first with the remedy

and then we'll go back and hear. We'll have time to guess won't we? Yeah, we'll pause and then you guys will both guess. Don't ruin the game for us. We want to play. Yeah. And then after all guesses, we'll go back and hear what the caller asked. The caller was Caroline in this situation.

And here is the remedy. Don't use commercial cleaners. Um, commercial cleaners are actually abrasive and they damage the surface. And when they damage the surface, they make the surface rubber so that dirt can actually stick to it. So you're actually making a rod for your own back. When you want to clean it, just sprinkle it with a little white vinegar and rub it with a pair of pantyhose and then paper towel. Do not use newspaper. Okay. First, I mean, firstly,

it goes against my policy of not using commercial cleaners. I believe you always should read the commercial cleaner. No matter what the task, surely more powerful is better. Hospital grade, even if you're not in a hospital. Yeah. You'd be a sucker for any of those infomercials to say no. Not interested in, not interested in consumer grade. Any professional grade, everything.

to saying no. Not interested in consumer grade, professional grade, everything. But the vinegar was a giveaway for me. Is it wood of some type? Is it like cleaning a wood, like a wood chopping board or something with vinegar and then you rub it with pantyhose is a tricky one, but maybe is it getting stains out of a wood, like a wood chopping board? Jack? I'll go for a couch, some type of upholstery. Okay, let's see what Caroline rang up with. I'm just wondering, because we're in drought conditions, we've got two outdoor glass tables and they're constantly covered in dust all the time and it takes me forever to clean them.

I've got it. Glass. A glass table. Yes, but I think in terms of what's closer to a glass table, a chopping board is much closer to an couch. I think neither is close. One is flat and hard. I'm going to give it to Haine. That's ridiculous.

I just don't think that that was upholstery type stuff. We're never using newspaper. She said don't use upholstery. So don't use newspaper. You mean? Yeah. Yeah. But I know that no one would be tempted to use newspaper on their couch.

It's interesting though. So she was black print on this couch. She sucked us in here because I always use newspaper on glass. So she's saying don't do it. But as I thought might've been the clue for you guys, cause that's when I was starting to go, maybe she's talking about glass. I've never heard of newspaper on glass. So was that a myth?

I don't know. I always just do like Windex and newspapers. My go-to. Don't use newspapers. I won't. I won't. I won't. Don't tell her.

Okay. Tom was the next caller. Although I didn't hear him. We'll hear him last, I won't, don't tell her. Okay, Tom was the next caller, although I didn't hear him. We'll hear him last, but here is the remedy for Tom's call. What an area of his, or object within his house or garage is he trying to clean? Okay, there's a couple of things you've got to do. You'll need to get some cigarette ash.

Yes. And you need two tablespoons of cigarette ash, two tablespoons of white vinegar and two tablespoons of bicarb soda. Now if you're a non smoker and you don't know where to get cigarette ash go to your local pub with a bucket and a skid. Ask around for Andy Lee. You skid over the top of the bucket and you empty an ashtray into it and the ash will fall through into the bucket. Just don't wink or smile at anyone while you're doing it. And then you just empty the butts back into the ashtray and take your ash home.

This is in three parts this one. More and more clues come, but any early clues. Tips on how to steal ash from the pub. Yeah, which I thought was really odd. Whatever it is, it's got to be valuable because you wouldn't put that amount of effort in. Oh, old people have time on their hands. Jack, she's assuming this guy's got enough time to walk down to his pub.

Also walk back in time to the early 2000s when pubs had ashtrays. Just go and get one and empty it out. Any early guesses? It was cigarettes, ash with bicarb soda, was it? It was like making a paste. It could be silver. Does this do something to silverware? We'll continue to listen.

Okay, it's body exciting. When you make your mixture up, it's two tablespoons of each, bicarb soda, white vinegar and cigarette ash. You must do it in an inert container that's a non-metal container, either ceramic or glass and you stir it with something like a bamboo skewer. Don't use metal when you're stirring it. It's such a witch's spell, isn't it? The Da Vinci Code was easier to solve than it is. I feel like this is the potion that Bec mixed up and dabbed behind her ears to make Andy fall in love with it. Such a witch's spell.

I'm sticking with silver. That's why she's carrying on about no metal. Yes, I think metal is important because she doesn't want it to touch metal. Here it comes. So I might say platinum or tin. Clean your tin. Okay, we'll continue listening. Then you leave it sit for five minutes and get a rolled up pair of pantyhose and put a pair of rubber gloves on because it can irritate your skin.

And that's what you clean all the hard surfaces, like all the plastics and all the metal surfaces. You wipe it on, leave it on for five minutes, and wipe it back off again with a damp cloth. So it's something that has hard metal and plastic surfaces. Something's happened to his car, maybe. Interior of the car, maybe? Let's have a listen.

I bought a car yesterday and a terrible cigarette smoke smell inside. I will get rid of it. Powerful ah from the host. Well done you two. That's interesting though, isn't it? So you use cigarettes to fight cigarettes. Fire with fire. It's so strange. That's wild.

Mm. Do you- They bond to each other and they, and then you can take them out. I'm addicted. I, people might have seen these on Instagram and stuff where people like get the old, like a 1985 Corolla or something, and then completely clean the inside like fastidiously and bring it back to showroom condition. And it's all this stuff. It's bloody addictive.

Well, do we want to play again? I mean, should I be listening to this show every week? I actually really enjoyed that. I think I'd like to play one more time. Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.