Hamish & Andy - 2025 Ep 302 - Hamish’s brush with Border Security

Episode Date: July 30, 2025

Andy has run into a legal issue with the Worlds Tallest Hat, there’s been an influx of Extreme Empaths, and the boys put their social skills to the test with a new game. Hamish gets into trouble at NZ airport, and Andy reveals an insane fact about his dad that shocks Hame & Jack!  1. Tall hat liability 2. Extreme empaths 3. Social skills name game 4. Hamish’s run in with NZ customs 5. Andy’s Dad has never bought a TV 

A listener production. Activate your Internet, because the Hey Mission and the podcast starts in three. Two. Sorry, still buffering. One. Ahoy to my Anicha, Hamish. Always, I mean ahoy, but I always see the panic in your eye when it's a pronunciation issue.

Oh yeah, this one's tough. This one's tough. It feels, I don't know, we could be, I always go to swords, but we've never. We did swords. Could be swords, could be mushrooms, keep going. No, not swords. Um, dooku for Jack. Hoi to my dooku, Jack.

Not like a... you're not mispronouncing like a duck or eggs? It might be dooka. Dooka eggs. Yeah, what's that? Like a... like a type of nut. Oh, ducker? That's just... yeah, the spices and nuts you put on a salad. No, no, it's not that. It's like a type of nut. Oh, ducker. That's just, yeah, the spices and nuts you put on a salad.

No, no, it's not that. It's not that. I mean, I'm the nut-u. You know what I mean about the pronunciation, right? No, no, thank you. Very high eyebrows and looking at the other person, a look that says, well, I've done my bit, and I'm deciding I did it right.

I'd be terrible if I was, it says, well, I've done my bit and I'm deciding I did it right. I'd be terrible if I was pulled in to commentate the Olympic Games, where you just get a sheet of gymnasts from Eastern bloc countries and you're like, oh, it's with confidence. I need to work on my confidence rather than just hope. I'd be terrible if I had to commentate on people I'd met before and introduce themselves to me. It's known as the three universal truths. These are the three marks of existence according to Buddhism. Buddhism, great. Okay. Well, okay, a good one. A not a salad dressing and not a sword. Are you going to tell us what the truths are? Oh, hames is, it means like instability.

Yours is like impermanence. Yep, impermanence. A dissatisfaction for you, Jack. It means it can lead to suffering, of course. And then I am no soul. Yep. So they're the three universal truths. Were you thinking, Jack, that they'd be good ones?

I thought that, yeah, I thought they'd be positives. I thought it fits a dissatisfaction. I thought it'd be like satisfaction. No, but I think the whole idea of it is like, it's dissatisfaction, I thought it would be satisfaction. No, but I think the whole idea of it is you make peace with that, that nothing's permanent, you're not going to be happy, you don't have a soul, so just acknowledge that and get on with it. Chill anyway. I'm paraphrasing the Della Lamida.

He doesn't use babe very often, but I think that's the gist. I think when Mr Ralph, not that we should mention him, when you lose that access, I think you're gonna have to deal with great dis-satisfaction. A great ripple in the universe. And you must acknowledge that nothing lasts forever. You will need that, Jack. May that time never come. May I reject one of the truths wholeheartedly? He will live forever.

Ahoy also to Ashley who's in New Zealand who went to habeasandy.com to tell us what she's been up to. Ahoy SP Andy Lee and the little weasel boy. Ashley here from Imbacgill New Zealand which was once referred to by Mick Jagger I believe is the asshole of the world so I guess you could say it is very common man of me living here also while I've got the microphone I would like to say a special ahoy to Bailey Allen and Isaac Fishlock. They are longtime listeners, no time callers to the show. Get rekt boys. Love your work. Ciao. Get rekt? What was it? Get rekt? It sounded like get rich. Like they were working on something. Yeah I feel... oh it could be. It could be another million dollar idea.

We've done a show for an Invercargill, so boy oh boy do we know the area. You know it well, Ham. You did the movie down there with Brett McKenzie. Three Little Boys. Great film. Everybody knows the quote. Everyone in Invercargill knows that quote. Was it Nick Jagger? I think it was Keith Richards. It could have been. One of the Stones. And what they meant was it's like one of the lowest towns on the planet. It sounds like it has various meanings. Oh, it's like one of the lowest towns on the planet. Oh, it sounds like it has various meanings.

Oh, it's not a compliment. Which seems like could have said the heel bone of the earth. Exactly, exactly. A sturdy ankle. Which of course is the lowest bone of the body. We better move on because some tall hat updates. Yeah. I've been keeping abreast of the WhatsApp that I've got access to that I'm too scared to chat on.

Occasionally, I'll just say yes to them. I'm talking, of course, about Grace, who is an aerodynamic engineer who is gonna be designing our hat that will be the tallest in the world, or requires, is one of us down toim and I now to walk, I think it's 10 meters in Haim. 10 meters, yep.

And then there's Sam who works in compositing plastics and carbon, etc. and he's going to build it for us. They've got a WhatsApp going between the two of them that I put access to and it forces us to have a segment like this. The Inside Word. Conversations of Tor Hat Construction. Thanks to Topstage Advanced Composites, we make cool stuff out of fibreglass and carbon. That's right. Yep, that's right.

I forgot we had an ad in that. And when you see the figure of what this thing's costing, let that ad play. Can I say they've both been amazing. And hats off when we eventually get it to Topstage Advanced Composites because they are both been amazing and hats off when we eventually get it to top stage advanced composites because they are doing some amazing stuff. I had to transfer this to a word doc so I could send it on.

55 pages of correspondence that they've been going through and I'm trying to distill it to the things that are important to us and the listeners. Now I only hear snippets Ando from you from you, from this WhatsApp, and you do save it for the show. But, you know, we get a lot of emails. Everyone's fascinated by this journey. And we get a lot of emails from him. We had one the other day. Two that's come to mind. I don't have them with me, but essentially, but shout out to who sent them in. One person was going, look, I've just started crocheting. Maybe I could crochet the side. And you love the gesture.

But you go, guys, you don't understand the materials we're working with you. We're going space age. Thank you for your offer, but we're not knitting a hat. This is not, we're not mucking around. Well, they did say I probably couldn't be bothered doing the whole thing, but someone could do it. Let's stick with that thought, Hame.

Perfect segue. Because we had all assumed a felt hat. I think we talked about that on the show. The guys are listening in real time to us talking about them and their designs. And I picked up on the WhatsApp that that was a concern for them. I want to bring up the felt that Hamish mentioned.

I don't know about you, but I haven't been considering this yet. It'll definitely add more weight. My understanding was, we were doing exposed carbon. What are your thoughts? Yeah, I thought we were doing exposed carbon too. If they are wanting it to be covered in felt, I don't see why we would need the big carbon tube.

We could do like a core tube with spokes holding the fabric up. The only reason I'd rather stay with the big tube is a part of our cost cutting is my boss wants to produce one metre carbon top hats, following record. What? What? What? Of course he does.

Of course he does. You don't invent a new hat and not immediately, you don't invent a market and then abandon it. You cash in on it. Yes, they've made the mold and they're like, well, you know, it's in meter slots, so we're going to slot one, you know, six meter slots together. So I just thought that was hilarious. He's just gone, let's do meter.

I'm good on him. How many does he think he was set? And I'm so glad, I'm so glad they're checking though. Because of course we don did me that. I'm good on him. How many does he think he was, sir? And I'm so glad. I'm so glad they're checking though. Because of course we don't need felt. No, we don't need felt. I think we just would have said it as an offhand. You've got to remember, whims will be heard and they may create logistical log jams.

So yeah, I don't care about felt at all. Right. Right. Because the one thing that I did notice, Jack, when I see I'm going following the WhatsApp is every time we have a little bit of a matter about it on the pod, it throws spanners in the works. Well, yeah, they're like, Oh my gosh, do we need this? So I just had to assure them don't go off whims of us. No, no, this is like what working in the White House must be like. Yeah. Just someone gets up and goes, you know what, actually reverse it all. Okay.

Someone gets up and goes, you know what? Actually, reverse it all. Okay. Yes. That's quite a big job. Now the hat's wearing us. Okay. Yeah. Well, we'll have to change that a bit.

Sure. So the six meter tall hat, they were worried about what they call COM, center of mass. Yeah. And they were trying to get that as low as possible, obviously, with these lead-weighted brim to allow the balance. This is a little bit of what they've been talking about on that front.

Center of mass is way too high above the brim for my liking. We'll start to mess around with thickening up the tube closer to the head and potentially some lead inserts. Center of mass is currently 2.93 meters from the base of the hat. That's borderline unwalkable. Is that with the lead? No lead yet.

Showing the importance of the lead. It is borderline unwalkable because the whole thing, from what I remember from high school science, things topple once the center of mass gets outside the footprint. Yes. Like then it starts to pull itself over. So the higher it is, obviously the easier it is for that to get outside my feet. And then that's why I said, or your feet, whoever's piling it, I just have to believe that I'm the pilot in case I do get called up.

And I'm sure you're thinking the same way, Andy. Absolutely. But that's why I said, whoever is the pilot, there is a good chance of leaning forward and then beginning your march. So as it's falling forward, you're like chasing underneath it. Yep. I wonder if we just sprint for 10 meters, you know, like- With your head tilted forward. Do you have to get to the end and 10 meters and have it?

No, but the hat would be left behind if you took off underneath the hat. No, no, I'm not talking about- Tip forward and then sprint. Yeah. But- I think that's it. I think you might have to and have it. But the hat would be left behind if you took off underneath the hat. No, no, I know what you're talking about. Tip forward and then sprint. Yeah, I think that's it. I think you might have to go for it. Do we need to get to 10 meters and there's three white lights like weight lifters? Like, do you need to hold it at the end of 10 meters or can it topple at the end of 10 meters? What I love about us going outside the Guinness system is who cares?

Like, because I was going to say there's nothing in the rule books that says you have to stop at 10. And I actually Guinness guards their conditions too, because that's what they make you pay for. But I mean, there's no rule book. I promise you, no one on this earth is there like a book that goes and then the contestant must stop at 10 seconds afterwards. You just have to get the hat and the human across the line, I would say. Okay. Great.

I just want to make sure it's not that one where like, you have no control of it, but you've managed to rush it 10 meters across the line. I think that would disappoint people. It doesn't look as good, I don't think. No, that's true. I would, what about we just go like league rules. You have to be in control of the ball over the line. You just have to look like you're in control of the hat over the line.

And then just for a fraction of a second, then after that, it's celebrations. You have to turn around and wait for the ref to give you a thumbs up. And the full man has to get over the finish line. It's not like you can tip the hat in and have control and then it can fall over with, with the man still behind the hat. Ah, the whole line. It's not like you can tip the hat in and have control and then it can fall over with the man still behind the hat. The whole hat is attached to head. Final one then obviously there's talk of centre of mass and there's talk about the lid and that they're going to put in the brim to lower that centre of mass. Then this message came through from Sam. Andy, we like to clear top stage of liability regarding any injuries due to the weight of the hat.

Genuinely request from my boss. That's a worry. That's a worry. That's a worry. We're getting a lot of people also writing in. Got a few people that work in the mascot game and going, hey, I'll pilot it because I have a heavy hat or a heavy cat's head or whatever they wear in their mascot game. Yeah.

But they do say, yeah, look, neck strength is a serious thing. You know, it's going to take some time to build up the condition to balance something that heavy. A couple of the mascot heads are about 10 kilos, they reckon. But I reckon you do bear a bit of that on your shoulders. Well, I just said, yes, we will. I mean, of course we will. It's not just liability for the person wearing it. Imagine you tip the wrong way and you crush some spectators. Yeah. Well, that's why I was so against the chin strap too, Jack, because I'm like, you get a 12 kilo weight on your head that starts falling the wrong way, it's going to snap your neck. Yeah. Yeah. You want it to be able to release. You want to be able to bail. Yeah. You mean you don't want it, but as a last resort.

Well, I think we would. I think I think we I think we would sign a waiver that cleared them or whoever the pilot is would because it would be a bit of a stitch up. Go there on the day. Wear this hat. They've spent thousands of dollars in six months engineering. Run over and go out at my neck. I'm suing you guys. I didn't know that would happen.

I didn't know the world's tallest hat would be heavy. Well, I did one thing that made me feel like you do see in the movies when people are pushing the team. I just said, make it lighter. And so they've gone back to the drawing board. Well done. Everyone loves that kind of team. Make it lighter, cheaper. But they said they'll look into that. And so that's interesting. We're pushing them. We're pushing the design.

We're pushing the elements and we'll have an update for that for you guys next week. Okay, great. Because that does open the door to my suggestion I had for them. Oh, what's that? Make it even lighter. Wow. Which I'm going to do after Andy's all been carried out. And we've become a safe place for people that don't just suffer from a regular amount of empathy, which isn't really a suffer. We all hopefully enjoy a regular amount of empathy, which isn't really a suffer. We all hopefully enjoy a regular amount of empathy so we can think about what it'd be

like to be another person. But sometimes you have too much empathy and it becomes almost a crippling situation because you can't stop thinking about not just people, but placing human emotions onto things and worrying about the things as well. And that is why we do extreme empaths in the opener of the segment is every single song in the world. So no songs feel left out. This is a classic one from Dan.

I think this sums it up perfectly. Says, at work we got a paper shredder. When I know it hasn't been used in a while, I'll shred a blank sheet of paper so he doesn't get hungry. in a while, I'll shred a blank sheet of paper so he doesn't get hungry. Nothing more than feeling. Just waiting with an open mouth. So he wants to eat. That's the idea that the shredder wants to eat. That's the part that's always interesting when people start adding feelings to inanimate objects is I thought he was going to freak out for the paper going through.

So yeah, the paper's mining. It's just going about its day and then suddenly like, someone's just shoving paper in your mouth. Yes. But no, he's hungry for paper, he wants to eat it. This one came in from Emily, extreme empaths. I spent hours making my partner a cake in the shape of a minion for his birthday. Yep. It was actually very good.

I mean, obviously, you make very good cakes, so people would be cautious. If the minion's standing up, that's a very, very impressive. I dare say it was probably a flat lay minion, but still a difficult shape. And you've, you know, depending on how delicate you want the icing and the eyes and stuff. Well done. Problem arose. Every time he went to cut the cake, he pretended the minion was screaming in pain. I got upset and started crying and took the cake away from him. Minion was screaming in pain. I got upset and started crying and took the cake away from me.

Yeah, you can't give birthday cakes or pinatas human feelings because there's a salt at the heart of the party ceremony that needs to take place, whether it be cutting or bashing. And this is one that's like, God, this is getting into the weeds here. And it's not even my most complicated one for today. Okay, great. This is from George. So if my partner does the ironing, they have to judge the amount of water they need to pour into the iron versus the amount of clothes that require ironing.

If there's any water left over, they feel sorry for the water that doesn't get to experience the sensation of becoming steam, like all the water before it. There's no close to iron. They'll stand and move the iron back and forth on the ironing board until the water runs out. I have watched them stand there for 10 minutes post ironing so all the water can be set free into the atmosphere. That's like, if you've just seen about every little drop that's coming,

that's like, this is it. This is what we wanted. Yeah. Strange that. So this, in this case, the water has the feelings and the iron is inanimate. Yeah. So the iron is like a theme park and the water is the participants going to the theme park. And she just doesn't want the theme park to close before everyone's had a chance to go on the rides.

This is from Poppy. Extreme empaths. My partner and I are recently on an overseas trip. When we saw our Qantas plane arrive and passengers get off, she started to get really sad that the plane wouldn't get enough rest before we had to go 14 hours back to Australia. You kind of get it because it's like Thomas the Tank Engine world. That is, that was sort of the whole basis of Thomas the Tank Engines. You'd get some grumpy engines if they had to go straight back out.

But again, Jack, you're probably still almost in Thomas World. Wasn't the motive for the trains? They liked doing their job, didn't they? They weren't like, oh, I can't believe it. I can't believe I've got to lug more coal. I think one of them was Grumpy. Gordon. Yeah.

You named your kid? I didn't know until I named him that. I did remember there was a Gordon in the train set, but I didn't realize he was the grumpy one. Yep. And I think he's got a problem with like any job he's handed. He's got a problem with it. They have a weird relationship.

They run into your family. He's always trying to get free carriages from the other trains. From my memory, they've got a real issue with the coal. They have to carry like coal trailers or whatever and they kind of hate them. It's like this weird. It's a nicer thing to carry a passenger's from memory. Yeah, they don't like their, there's something they like. They think the coal carriages are like,

they just don't like working together. It's a strange one. It feels almost like it wouldn't be PC. It's like it verges on this like a weird kind of class separation. Anyway, with the last Extreme Empathia, the water had the feelings. Similar world now, but this is from Matt. And it's not the water that has the feelings, it's the vessels this time. Because look, I'm an Extreme Empath. I've got the trait that I hadn't thought too much about until you started talking about it.

When I boil the kettle for a coffee or tea, I make my beverage first, and then I feel really bad for the kettle, just holding onto excess boiling water for no reason, likely suffering in the meantime. Oh. So I always pour out any additional water into the sink to let it cool off. Fortunately, then I feel bad for the sink. I was just seeing them, Steve is like, I was just seeing them minding

its own business before a blast of boiling hot water hits it from nowhere. So I always make sure to give the sink a quick blast of cold water so it doesn't get too upset. PS, you might be thinking I feel sad for my coffee cup in the same way as the kettle because suddenly it gets boiling water on it, but actually no. As the cup was designed for coffee and at least in my head this would be the happiest time of the day doing what it was supposed to do for a brief moment. The kettle is designed for hot water. Yeah, I mean, I suppose that's, I mean, Jackie can't.

You can't apply logic. I don't know how Matt's ever got out of the kitchen. Sitting there splashing hot water on this cold water on that, putting the placemat on the table, but then rushing, giving the placemat a rest over here. So you've had to be on the table. They're putting a blanket on the table because now it's cold. Australia goes into deep drought just because Matt has to keep flushing. I'm cold. Nothing more than feeling. Hayne, there's something that I'm using socially that I think you do as well.

I think you're very good at it. A lot of people do it. I just think that I'm very good at it. It's a situation when you bump into someone that you know, but you can't remember their name. Oh my God, my whole life. Yes, outside my house, even sometimes in my house. And you have your wife or partner with you.

Yep. And you then say, oh, have you met my partner? Because that's the way you get into it. Yep. As a way of getting their name out of them. Yeah. And then they go. Oh, yes, introduce themselves. And then the trick is you repeat their name so close to when they said it. You pretended they've been a bit rude by talking over you.

You were doing the drunkenness. Yes, yes. I know. Except I'll give it one twig. Have you not done this before, Jack? I'll give it one twig. I'll go, have you guys met? And then that will start them on the, Oh, hi, I'm Peter.

But before Peter can do that, I'll get you guys met. Yeah, you've met before. And we go, hi, I'm Peter. We go, have you not met Peter before? I thought you guys had met. That's it. I'm, I'm, I'll actually make it sound like I'm about to do introductions. Really the topic of my conversation is why we don't need to do introductions.

Yes. And Pete will usually slip up and offer a tidbit. And I can tell Peter off. I'm going, no, Pete, I think you guys have met before. No, we haven't. My mistake, Pete. So I thought you'd met Pete. That can't work every single time. It can't.

Because there's different times, for instance, an old man at the golf club that you see very irregularly that if you're in, you can't go, surely you're from it Zoe who... I'll try anything. Yeah. I like to do, and we can play our own game here. I like to do while they're saying, Oh, Beck, nice to meet you. I'm doing that phrase somewhere. I'll go, this is over them.

Wait for them to insert, then repeat their name. Wow. Yes. I mean, that's beautiful. And pulled off well, it can even with the magic of confidence, it can sometimes even make it seem like you said it first. Yes. So to give everyone an example of this, say the guy's name was James, right? And, and he came up to me. I've made some audio representations of this, and then we're going to play the game without knowing the names. Say the guy's James, he comes up to me.

Good Andy, how are you mate? Oh, great, great to see you. You know, Beck. No, I haven't. My name's James. James. Yeah. That's how it works. So I want to test all of us on our individual, but I've told the producers,

now none of us know names. Obviously I had the advantage of having James the name. Tell you what, the AI representations are speaking a lot quicker than I'm used to. So, but let's start with Haim. Yep. You'll have someone, it could be a female or male come up. Am I talking first or they talking first? They'll talk first.

You then have to introduce, you have to say, do you know Zoe? Yep. And then during his response, pick your moment to try and get in with their name. Absolutely love it. Good luck Haim. Here we go. G'day Hamish, how are you? Hey, great to see you.

I'm sure you've met before. You've met Zoe before, my wife? No, I haven't. My name's Mary Ellen. Mary Ellen. Yeah. I thought you guys had met. LAUGHTER Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good, I thought. Jack, are you confident to click the buttons as well as Dord? Or do you want me to get around there?

No, no, I can click. It doesn't have any details on here, so I should be fine. Okay. And play fairly. Okay, good luck, Jack. You're saying you've never done this before? I've never tried to do this, no, but it's always a good time to go first. Okay.

Alright, here we go. G'day, Jack. How are you? Oh, g'day. Have you met Bianca? No, I haven't. My name is Roberto. This is Roberto. You might have said, B-ro-ber-to there. I'm not that fast at once. I'm not that fast. I was really trying to be Roberto.

Did you speed our ones up? They are fast. They are fast. I'm nervous because I haven't actually listened to these out. Which is... This is actually a good thing to do if you meet us in real life and you suspect we're doing this. Because it sounds like Roberto was trying to trick Jack.

Have you met... You guys have met... Have you met Bianca? No, I'm Roberto. Just in case he's trying to say my name at the same time. Roberto! And you don't know this one Andy. No, I don't know. I'm actually a bit nervous now because they are, they're firing out very quickly. But um...

Yeah, someone adjust the, adjust the setting on this bowling machine. Okay, here we go. G'day Andy, how are you? Oh, wow. great to see you. You've met my fiancee Bec before. No, I haven't. My name's Adriana. Adriana. Was the huge pause.

You went way too early. Way too early. This is... two, three. This is... You swung in the batting cage before it even been pitched. This is? You swung in the batting cage before it had even been pitched. Good though. Actually, email those to me, Jack. I'm going to practice at home. Get my timing right. See if I can beat Roberto. I think if you end up with that poor situation, you've got to make it look like you're choking.

Like this is... Sneeze and... Or kiss him. Yep. Oh. Yep. Or kiss him. Something. Guys, I come to you and the people with an admission. I think it's important you get ahead of this stuff. An admission of crime. Oh, yeah. Um, you've actually committed the crime?

It seems so, unfortunately, and there's not a lot I can do about it now. I had to pop over to New Zealand for a business affair recently. Seems legit. Boy on. Well, thank you. I'm going to pop you down as a witness, if that's okay, Ando, for business. Yeah. And, um, it was a quick trip.

It was only a couple of days and going through, you go through, you know, obviously you go through New Zealand security and, um, you know, international security when you land, New Zealand is, and I'd like to say, state on the record, I completely back this up, quite maniacal about biosecurity coming in. And so there should be beautiful ecosystem, got to protect it. If you ever go with your golf clubs or shoes, they'll make you give them a wash, give them a clean because they'll have a look. And if you've got any grass, you have to sit there and clean them in the airport.

And it's not a fun thing. Our mate, Ryan Shelton, years ago, we went across, we're going on a hike. He'd been wearing his boots in because he was a bit worried. He hadn't gone on a hike since year nine hike when we went to school together. He'd been wearing his boots in and they landed and they said, you got hiking gear? Yes. Is it dirty? No. I think it's pretty clean. I had a look at his boots, a bit of mud on them and to go to the back and he had to write a letter. He had to write an essay saying, I think it's pretty clean. I had a look at his boots, a bit of mud on them and to go to the back and he had to write a letter. He had to write an essay saying, I understand.

I now know. Really? You had to keep giving lines like butt season. Yeah, he had to fill up a page. And then, and I don't know who you give it to. No, they just file it. It's so New Zealand though, isn't it? So anyway, we go to security.

And then when, you know, knowing all this, all good, all good. You've got to put your bag through the scanner and then to get out of the airport, the backpack, the guy brings the backpack out and he goes, is this your bag? Yep. Because something in it. I said, it usually just happens and I've just got like, I don't know, a battery pack or something and my bag, my backpack has a lot of compartments. It's actually one of the world's best backpack.

One of many that I own. So I'm like, listen, you might not be familiar with this particular backpack. Where is it? Where can I, how can I help you? Can I find this thing for you? He goes, no, I'll need to do it. And I said, what is it? Is it like a battery or? He goes, no, it's round. need to do it. And I said, what is it? Is it like a battery or no, it's round. Like an air tag. I said, is it all like a camera lens or something? He goes, just hold on a second. He goes, did you do a digital declaration or did you fill out the paper card? I said, didn't I fill out the paper card? And then he goes and gets the paper card and hands it to me where I've said like, no, I'm not bringing in all this junk. He goes, is this your handwriting? I said, yes.

I said, what's going on? And he goes, and is that your signature? He said, yes. Can I ask what's going on? He said, please step back while I open the bag. Okay. Well, we're really not talking to me here, but can I ask what's going on? My mind.

Are you worried at all? Yeah. For reasons I won't go into, but this is my mind My mind, are you worried? Chill? Yeah. For reasons I won't go into, but this is my mind's like, what could be in here? Have I made a big mistake here? Have I bought something that's, that you just shouldn't bring across borders? I'm like, no, no, I'm okay. Like, and of course I'm referencing like a knife or something, but I'm like, no, no, I think I'm okay.

Anyway, digs down in the front pouch of my bag, which I very rarely go into, pulls out an apple. An apple? Oh! What did you think it was? I thought when you said it was round, I thought it's got to be your eight coin coin. You're trying to move across borders with something worth $10,000. You said you had no monetary instruments.

No, worse, an apple. And he says, is this yours? He said, well... I said, this is going to sound like a line, but I've never seen that apple before in my life. My uncle gave me this bag. And yeah, and I had a whole boogie board full of apples. So I was like, no, I don't know where that apple came from. And he goes, but did you see it just came out of your bags? Yes, we've seen that it's come out of my, I'm not pushing back on you here.

It is my handwriting. It is my signature. And he said, okay, so you admit this is your apple? I said, well, I admit it's in my bag and it's a small red apple. And I don't think you put it in there like a magician. I believe your hands. You actually didn't show me your sleeves like they have to at the casino, which I would have liked before you put your hands in my bag. But for the purposes of not making a scene, I will testify that I don't believe you to be a close-up magician. And I believe myself to be at fault here.

So I'm like, where's this? Because putting an apple in my bag is not something I can consciously ever done. That's not a move. And it's fresh? Well, no. But I mean, apples these days, it was kind of waxy. But when I, when you, because I was like, it can't be a freshie. And I squeezed it and it was a little, it wasn't like brown and decaying, but it was

spongy, you know that feeling. But quite great that you've got it found. I know you're risking never being able to go to New Zealand again, but that could sit in a bag forever. I mean, amazing. And it was under my emergency rain jacket that I have in there, which I never use either. It's just a nice thing to have in your bag. And I've got the room, I've got the compartments, so why not enjoy it?

Do you know what it occurred to me? So he takes me at the back and as we're walking out there, I'm like, when did this apple get in my bag? I think it got in my bag when we were in South Africa months ago. The last time I would have packed that bag for an expedition, I took the kids for a dawn hike and I reckon it was a hotel apple that I've thrown in there as a backup. And that's why it's like being so well preserved because they've just got that ability.

So I'm like, I have taken that through many airports. Yeah. I have taken that across the seas, like back into all the other side of the world. Yeah. I've flown it across the ocean, across Australia. I've, I've nested it. I've sat on it. I've incubated it. And now I've bought it to New Zealand as a gift for the New Zealand people from South Africa.

So the guy sits me down and I have to like, he gets my passport, photocopies the passport and he's like, well, this is on your record. I was like, what is it? Am I going home or can I stay? He goes, you know, you can stay in New Zealand, but it's a $400 fine. What? Because I was like, well, okay. I said, look, you know, I understand you've got rules, rules, you've got to enforce the board. I said, but it does seem like an accidental Apple mishap.

And he's just going to yell that, you know, that's what we do. You've got a $400 Apple. How many lines did you have to write? I read, I said, I'm not going to do the essay, but I got my friend Ryan, he will send one to, he's already done it, but I could just change it from hiking boots to apples. And I know I shouldn't do it. And what does it mean to go on your permanent record? So every time-

I didn't even know why you said that. How many apples are you allowed? Like is it one, is it, you know, you've got your one strike now and then next time you try to take another apple. I was just sweating because I had so many bananas taped under my armpit. I was just going, don't worry, just let us out of here man. Round up my folks house and we're going to watch the footy. My dad has the smallest TV you've ever seen in your life. That's still the same one. Is it?

Well, is it a flat? Is it like a plasma? It is a flat screen. Because remember for a while he had the deep well into the reign of plasmas. The tube. He had a tube. He had a CRT tube. It's still flat screen because I sold it to him.

Yes. I was working at the Sony shop that sold, well, it was actually your TV. Wasn't it your 21st present? That's right. And then you sold it to him. You sold your TV to your dad. I didn't sell it to him. And this is what's interesting.

And that's why I wanted to give you guys today a brief history of my dad's TVs. Okay. Be quick, because there's probably only two of them. Because I said to him, hey, mate, I think you need to buy a new TV. He goes, never bought one in my life. And I went, really? Wow. How is that possible?

Talk me through it. He said, when we first started teaching, it was when I was on a, he's a primary school teacher, him and mum, there was a chance we had a wage, but there was a TV at the school. So I used to bring it home for weekends. And it would have been massive. It would have been huge. Was it on the wheel mount? Yeah. Wheel mounted?

Yeah. So dad- Would have been a trailer. Would have been a trailer situation. So dad used to bring the TV home from school for school holidays and on weekends. My wife says Zoe, similar situation when Zoe grew up, grew up in the country and they didn't have a TV, but Zoe's mum worked at the nearby prison and she would bring the prison TV home on weekends. So he'd had, you know, property of Goulburn jail on the side and she was like, had to bring it home. And it was a TV VCR

kind of combo. Yeah, I know the combo. Yeah. That was the only, the only like link to the outside world they had was like four VHS tapes. Also, I think borrowed from the prison and then I had to go back Monday. I don't know why the prisoners weren't allowed to watch movies on the weekend. Yeah, they're still there on the weekends. It's not like the school kids. Yeah, I mean, you'd think that would be peak time. I'm only just realising this now that there's probably riots on the weekend because Gertie had taken their TV.

So then I said, OK, yeah, but you would have owned one since those early days. And he said, yep, first one we owned was not a Wadding Primary School, the raffle. We won it and we won a TV in 1980. And I said, love this. Great. Great. So how long did that last? And he said that lasted us 20 years because then you... Was that the one that went all the way up to your 21st?

He said, then Hamish and organised a TV for you from Sony Central that your mates bought for you for 21st birthday. I think we all chipped in like $40 to get you a TV. And when you left home, you left that for us and we've just had that. And I said, but that's not the one you've got now. He said, no, I want another one. Wow. Oh my God. Are we bringing back special skills? Is Mick's special skill that he's never paid for TV?

I said to him, right, right. How'd you win the other one? He said, I was in at Ted's cameras and we're going overseas. I thought I'd better buy a video camera. And Mark, the sales assistant, suggested I put my name down for the raffle. And he won a second one, the Panasonic he currently has now in a raffle. How big is the CV? So I said, well, great, dad, I think it's time to upgrade it. Maybe you can have a smart TV. And he's like, yeah, what's that? I said, don't worry about it. I'll work it out.

But just, just tell me what size is your TV at the moment. And I can work about it. And he said, yeah, mom doesn't want it too big. We don't need a big TV. I was like, yeah, I think you probably could go a bit bigger because it's very difficult to see. So I said, can you just tell me how big the TV is? He wrote back, it's 20 inches. Oh my God. That's tiny. That's a computer screen.

Smaller than the Qantas in-flight back of the chair TV. I used to get teased for a 32 inch. Yeah, that was about where the teasing began. 42 inch was standard. Nowadays, 63 is the norm. Yeah. It's like 20 inch. It's a big apple watch.

So I said, oh, look, can we go a bit bigger? Does he know about big orbs? He couldn't even get a 20 inch TV anymore. Go a bit bigger than the 20? Does he know about big ones? He couldn't even get a 20 inch TV anymore. Go a bit bigger than the 20. And he said, yeah. And I said, send me a photo through to it. Right. The frame of it, you know how TVs just go to the edge?

The frame of it has like a three inch frame all around. They're scamming him on the please. It's a 14 inch. That's so small. So I said, where do they sit across the room at the other end? They would be able to see it. When do they find out there's pictures associated with television? They just thought it was radio play. So I said, Oh, look, I think you could go up to a 40 inch. He's like, no, way too big. We can't go double. He said, can you look into what's the next size up? And so I logged on to find out one TV I should get him.

There are none at the size he wants. I was going to say the smallest would be like 50 something. So I said to him, I can get you a monitor. I can get you a green and black medical monitor. You can probably put the iPad up and put it in the dresser. I'll just hurried you to go bigger. Like I feel like it will fit fine. I think you'll get used to it. It might be a little small shock to the system, but you'll actually be able to see where the

football is because that's all you're watching. Watching football, of course, that's even worse. And we can tell where the foot is. All the blobs are moving in one direction. You get the idea of where the ball would be. So I sent him some options at 43, which I think Jack's still jiggling. I'm going to blow his mind. It's like IMAX for him.

He's like, and they, you know, Oh, so it's our next. 750 bucks or something, right? Like at a good top of the range one. And he's like, no. TVs are unbelievable, completely what they used to cost. Like that's the one thing that's gone down. He's like, mum, that, TVs are unbelievable, completely what they used to cost. Like, that's the one thing that's gone down. He's like, Mum, that thing's too big, too big.

So I said, all right, I found one that's 40 inch. And he said, okay, yeah, we could go to that. And I said, but it's really expensive because it's so bespoke. It's like, it's been made for the space station. So it's nearly $3,000. I would recommend you get a 63 inch flight $500. And he's like, Hmm, all right. Let me come back to it. So that's where we're at. I know we need to do. We need to create a fake raffle. Yes, that he wins.

Door to door with a fake raffle. That's a great idea. You know, hey, raising money for the Scouts, whatever, a couple raffle tickets, because then you can put the TV that you want. And give him like an 80 inch TV. We will do this. Watch this space, everybody will see it. Yeah, it seems to be the one way he acquires a TV no questions asked.

It's by winning one. Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.