Hamish & Andy - 2025 Ep 310 - This Ep Has the Riz. No cap!

Episode Date: September 24, 2025

Hamish & Andy continue to be at your service! This week, they hatch a sneaky plan to help a new dad who’s too scared to ask his partner for a cheeky golf break. Darcy faces the fallout from a dog poo disaster involving a household appliance. Meanwhile, Hamish’s no-impulse-buy streak ends thanks to Instagram temptation. Plus, Andy shares shocking Richter Scale news, and a special Chit Chat Champion - Gen Alpha edition. Slay!  1. H&A at your service - Sam's golf day 2. The Richter scale 3. Chit Chat Champion - Gen Alpha edition 4. Darcy under the microscope 5. World’s most powerful torch 

A Listener Production Activate your internet Because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three Two Sorry, still buffering One Ahoie to me coil, Hamish Okay, we could be a few things here,

but I hope we're parts of an electro-magnet. Get your hopes up. One can always dream, Andy. A hooy to my leaf. Ahoyle leaf. And I'm air. Are we... Go for it.

We're not Pokemon-related, are we? No, we're not Pokemon-related. It's like types of Pokemon. No, it's not that. They are three types of a certain thing that goes in our cars. Coil leaf in air. Are they types of br-uh, not brakes, or go for it, and air fresheners? The suspension is killing me.

We're in suspension. We are the three most commonly used springs in vehicle suspension systems. That and rack and pinion, of course. How do we feel about it? Boo. It's a very difficult task for the lies because if you don't get it, you go, this is stupid, this is stupid.

Basically, we want to be the hardest possible that we will get easily. We basically need it to be three things that are related that we remember from learning at school that most people wouldn't know that make us look good. That's not too common that it's obvious. Right, because we've had mechanics yelling. Freaking out, yeah, like loving it.

Of course, it's of equal. suspension systems, but I'm just trying to get these feedback back to Lars where you both all look at me and roll your ass just because you don't know it. It doesn't mean it's a good one. No, you're right. It's great. It doesn't mean it's not a good one. It's really good.

Ahoy also to Adam. Who's heard of leaf suspension though? Yes. No one wants that on that car. A leaf springs. Oh, okay. Long history in trucks, trailers and heavy duty vehicles. Multiple layers as in leaves of spring steel. Awesome. And that's the fun part

about the show. You can do it, don't do it now, but you can rush off and look it up later and learn a little bit about the suspension. Adam also went to hamishnear.com to upload what he's been doing. Ahoy, boys, and number six, it's Adam from Melbourne

here, just driving to work. And I thought I'd send you guys this message. A deep and sincere thank you. As the proud owner of Power Moves book one and two, I've been able to hold a substantial amount of power over one of my good mates Charlie for the longest time now so much so that I came up with my own power move that I

employed the other night I want to get your thoughts so we're at a bar chatting to some girls and when he captivated the attention of these girls a little bit too much and they were laughing a little too hard at his jokes I simply interrupted him and asked hey man are you still using my hot spot safe to say they weren't interested in more anymore after that thanks boys Got him with your old Wi-Fi and sheepskate. You can't afford your own data. I think it works. Haim, we like to put it out there that we're at your service.

Hamish Natty, at your service. If there's anything you need at all, we're happy to help. This came in from Samuel, alert listener, hamishnanny.com if you want to contact us. It's fell to my side of the fence because we do split the emails. Yeah. So I recently had a child and I'm too scared to ask for a round of golf from my missus. As you know, it's a long time away from the house in the past. two months, I've been prioritising short times away, you know, the gym supermarket because

I want to get back to the bub. But I'm itchy. I'm itchy to play golf. He said, could you please call my partner Nicky and tell her I have to play soon? Now, I'm not sure if that's going to work for us. Yeah, we can't, that seems like that's like us, we can't command that you play golf soon. But since the request has come in from Samuel, and we do have an obligation to our listeners, we did have an idea. We'll come up with a ploy. We'll come up with a ploy. We'll come up with a plan of how we could make this happen for Samuel. We'll give him a buzz now and explain to him of what we've got in mind. Hello, Samuel, Samuel.

It's Hamil Andy. Hello, how are you? Mate, we're great to get you this game of golf. We're ready to get you playing, mate. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Is the weasel there? Yeah, good-o. Today we're all the weasel, as well.

We try and get you playing some golf. Now, is it okay if we use, we've come up with a plan. Are you happy for us to use any and all methods to try and get this round happening? Yeah, yeah, go for it. Anything you mean? We've come up with an idea where we're going to get our producer Carly to contact your partner, Nikki, and say we're from local radio station, K-Rock, you guys are in Geelong, and that you have entered her in a competition to win a $9,000 diamond ring, right?

Wow, that'd be perfect. Yep, we then go and play the competition. There's a one in three chance she gets the ring. Unfortunately, the ring won't come up, but the consolation prize will, which is around at what golf course did you find, Mendo? 13th Beach. Yeah, yeah, that's the one. Sorry, in several details, that was the one you have to go play.

So that's what she's going to just miss out. the ring, but be given the prize of a round at 13th Beach. And then the idea is, you know, hopefully she takes that prize and books you in for the round. Yeah, yeah. We're a bit worried about it. That's the worry. Do you know what?

Let's guide and go, well, you know, it was your partner, Samuel, that nominated you. Yeah, good. Does he play golf? Should we book him in? Yeah, yeah, that'll be perfect. Okay. Samuel, and we're all comfortable with this, Samuel, just all good. I mean, there'll be some, there's a bit of.

Steaky business going on, a bit of weaseling, but we're all just sign off from everyone. Yeah, we're all a weasel in some way, so I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, great. Okay, well, we'll put you on hold now, and then we'll get into the competition. Hopefully, we can guide her to giving you the gift. All right, great. Okay, Samuel's on hold. Ando, we have already, we've just had a thumbs up from outside.

Carly our producer has made contact with Nikki saying she's ready to go. She's from the radio station. So she's just told Nikki, hey, we're from K-Rock, the local radio station. Did you know about this contest? And apparently, Nikki, you didn't know. Okay. She's ready to take the call from Chris and Dago. We are.

Chris and Dago, we are. You're going to be. Now, this is a big ass for us. What's your voice going to be like? I'm just going to go low, like this. What are you going to go in? Yeah, they'll do this. What's that?

Throw cancer. No, well, I mean, I'm going for the sound of a retired footy graphic. Yeah. I can hear that now, okay. Yeah, where people go, he's copped a few hits, but it doesn't matter what he sounds like. We just love his take on the game and life. This is the biggest gamble is the fact.

We can't do voices. We can't do voices. All right. Jack, you'll give her a call, and Samuel's on hold. Good luck. Duggo. Okay. Hi, it's Nicky.

Oh, hi, Nikki. It's Chris and Dago here. From K Rock. Hey, Nicky. How you going? Hey, hey, going. I hear Carly's giving you the drill. Kind of, yeah.

I just, I've not, like, I have no idea that Samuel had ended up into this, so she kind of did. Oh, great. Oh, even better. Even better. Yeah, well, we'll guide you through it. We'll guide you through it. We'll guide you through it. You figure it out in a sec.

Got on you. Okay. Okay. Sure. Krock wants to peep your bling. Yes, please. Which box has the 9K ring? Oh, my God.

This is K Very Shiny Rock. Time for K Very Shiny Rock again. Samuel has written in nominating Nikki, his partner to play today. Are you there, Nikki? Yes, I'm here. All right, Nikki. Well, now, you didn't know much about being in this, did you? No, I had no idea.

Oh, what a legend. What a legend Samuel is. Well, he's pretty simple. We've got three boxes in front of us. You have just got to pick box one, two, or three. three, if it is the correct box, you have got a diamond ring valued it over $9,000 from local jeweller Farleys. So good luck.

Are you engaged? Are you married? No, we're not engaged or married, but we just have a kid. So Hazel is nearly eight weeks old. So, yeah. Wouldn't be too bad to get a 9K rent. This would be a 9-10. Yeah, okay.

A little bit of a push present. All right. Are you ready to go, Nikki? I'm ready to go. Let's do this. I'll go. Well, three is my lucky number, so I'll have to go with three. Okay.

Number three, she locked it in. Good luck. Box opening. Constellation Prize. Oh, God, bad luck. It was behind number two today, Nicky. right in the middle. But we've got the consolation prize.

It's around a golf at 13th Beach, your complete golfing destination. You have any loved ones in your life that would like a round of golf, Nicky? Samuel probably would. He likes playing at 13th Beach, so there you go. Are we happy with that? Good, I knew.

That's bloody gorgeous. That's lovely. So what day should he go? Should we book it in now? Oh, maybe, I don't know. On the weekend, Sundays is only the day. He could probably do it, to be honest. Okay, so we'll come in for all of Sunday.

Yeah, sounds like a plan. All right. Thanks so much, Nikki. 13, beat your complete golfing destination. And we'll play again next time. Thank you. Uh, Val. Go on.

Bye, that's that. Bye. I mean, I mean, we made a promise. I mean, I felt horrible to it. How do you feel about that, mate? I was actually nervous. I was kind of hoping she'd get a. diamond ring.

I mean, as we were saying it, we realized what a life-changing, you know, and much better thing than a round of golf of the ring would be. I was also excited for her to get the ring to. I realized we've made it up and this ring doesn't exist. I didn't even expect sting. We hadn't even checked the sound effect. We're about to play. So I was like, what box is he going to say?

Yeah, what if it comes out here? Box three, man. I'm like, well, as promised, as promised, Sunday, it's all yours around at 13th Beach. Fantastic, that's six hours. Hey, Sam, though, but really important that you don't tell her, give away the goes, because then we're implicated. Like, this is our secret and we expect all our listeners to do the same kind of secret. I think a big bunch of flowers, you don't have to reveal what's happened here,

but a big bunch of flowers to go, hey, I got content. contacted by 13th Beach. They told me I'm playing around. You know, that wouldn't go straight. Big some flowers along the golf course. Yeah. You take your own.

A few local grasses, some, yeah, a succulent or two that you can pull out of them. Thanks, Sam. Glad to be at your service,

my friend. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. I'd appreciate it. I'd be a foursome sometime down at 13. That'd be lovely. Yeah. Yeah.

Awesome. I can't believe. Ah, catch it, mate. Yep. No, Paul. Nicky. At home. with a baby.

Quick note here, just as we've gathered ourselves after the last segment, we did just, we were like, okay, well, we mission accomplished there. Sam's got to go to golf. We call Nicky back, and we have sent her a bunch of vouchers and stuff just to thank her for being a good participant. Because it really, as it progressed, it did feel like this is, I mean, the whole point was for it to be very Sam's one-sided, But certainly no skin off our nose, too, to also help out a young mum.

So we're all good, we're all square, and we're on to the next. Yes, onto our next important item, guys, how would you measure an earthquake? Richter scale. Of course, I would use my Richter scale. Never failed me before. Can I shock you? They're not using it anymore. Poor Rickter.

Yes, that's what I thought. And his offspring or her offspring, whoever the initial Richter was. It was Charles Richter. I didn't want to assume, but. Yes, it was sometimes back in the day that was more likely. But Charles Richter, if you were anyone, a descendant of Charles Richter, what a great, it's your ultimate icebreaker. Yep.

I'm Carolyn Richter. It's not the yes, it's my great uncle. And I can tell from your handshake, that's a one on the Richter's gal. No, I'm just mucking around with you. What do you do? You know, and so on. And so forth. And just a fun night.

Here's what blew me away. First of all, yes, they're not like using it. Second of all, originally developed, I'll get to. that, originally developed by Charles Richter in conjunction with Beano Guthenberg. He's not getting the pros. His family are thrilled. They're not using it anymore. He's like the other bloke in Facebook with Zuckerberg, isn't he?

He's got no credit whatsoever. Now that we think about the Richter scale, now that I think about any time I've seen the Richter scale being used, are we not using it anymore because it seems to be a pen on a stick moving up and down and about nine kilometres of paper? like slowly rolling through it. That does seem to be a little bit antiquated now that we have computers. They always show you that picture of the pen moving up and down like an etcher sketch when you go. But we have computers.

And where are you getting the rolls? The person who's most upset is whoever's making the nine-kilometer roll. Yeah, yeah. Because as soon as office workers stop stocking it, the rignest girl was gone. If you had to keep feeding sheets of A4 in my mind, that's a pretty to sort. Because was the pen running 24-7 just so... You're right, Jack. You're right.

Because you can't just have an earthquake and then like, quick, quick, quick, set up the machine. No, we missed it. It was during, yeah, no, it would have been during pen changeover would have been their most disappointment. It's always about time for an earthquake, but they would have been really shamefaced, like, the seismic center to go. Oh, you were actually during pen changeover, which we have to do three minutes every four days. And we get the longest running pens weekend. We know what you're going to say. They get triple inkwells.

They're very good pens, but it was during changeover. It was originally called the Gutenberg Richter scale, shortened to Richter scale. So he would have been going, why didn't you shorten it to Gutenberg scale? I know it's not as easy to say. Maybe the fact that Richter scale was second and it's easier to lob up the front.

Anyway, Beano's family are thrilled that suddenly Richter's not getting his time in the sun. Reasons for the change. Sorry. I help my daughter with a lot of her post. for class projects. This feels like a poster. Reasons for change would be one of the topics we have in the corner of a poster.

What is it? A new bit of word art. What's changing? Reasons for change. It's about a grade two level of research. Any questions? Reasons for change. It's not very accurate.

Reason for change. It's not very accurate, which is a good reason for change. That's a great reason. Not accurate. outside of California, which I thought was awesome. Hang on, what do you mean not accurate outside California? That's what it's listed. Is this article from California?

No, this was like an article on why they're not using anymore, but it was just not accurate. Maybe the main instruments were in California. I don't know what. That was the first one. Or maybe it was just like it was calibrated to California and then you move it somewhere else in the different, I don't know, densities of Earth. Or their tectonic plate to do something specific there that doesn't transfer. The other one, this is like, this is the, to me that was what,

really put a bullet in the rector scale. I mean, the first ones are pretty tough. Yeah, that's a critical floor. I should warn you, pretty, cost you a fortune in paper, and they're not accurate. You still want one. Can't handle the big ones. Oh, yeah. Okay.

The Richterstale cannot handle the biggies. Well, yeah. So what, it just goes off the charts in that scenario. They've since moved to the moment magnitude scale. Okay. It's not. The Jeff moment. didn't invent it's just the generic name but yeah we will be oh is that where the school

poster ends there's nothing school poster ends that's where the school usually we end with any questions and then you have to say thank you two D thank you two D thank you two D D game. You told me of this. And we liked it.

I thought we can do this. Had an email come in from alert listener Jared and he said, sometimes people come on and they play chat champion and they go, I'm good at chat because I work with kids. He said, but it's always little kids. And does that really make you good at chat? Jared goes, look, I got a 15 and a 17 year old. Try talking to those guys.

That would be like, that's the level of skill. Try and setting yourself into those conversations because, Because with Gen Alpha, like it is a pretty different language that's going on. So I went, you know what? As a one-off, we should play. He suggested calling it shit chat champion. I was like, oh, it could be a little bit harsh. Just having a bit of therapy there as a dad going.

He doesn't understand what they're talking about. But I was like, look, I've got someone in my life, my niece, Junie, she's 14. And she's the coolest person I know. I feel very old because I'm at that age now where I go to her. with tech stuff. Right. I think I told you about this the other day, but do you know when you go to, you can go to send someone a video on WhatsApp?

Do you ever look at the status on WhatsApp, my status? Yeah. Do you know, so it's like stories on Instagram, right? Yeah. But no, not many people really use it. No. I send a video on WhatsApp, and it's right at the top. When you go to send a video on WhatsApp, the very first option is like send it to your

status. I must have been scrolling down to find who I was sending the video to. Oh, right. So I've checked my status. So I sent this video that wasn't probably for everyone in my address book. I sent a video to Whipper, our mate going, you know, just a bit of good, just a bit of fun. A bit of fun. You can have different fun in public than private, and it was just a bit of semi-private fun.

Not cancelable, just fun. And it could have been misinterpreted, but it was just fun. Anyway, I thought it was just private fun. And that's what WhatsApp's for, just a bit of private fun. half an hour later I get a text from my niece replying to the video that I've sent Whipper going, cool, ha ha ha. And I went, what is going on?

So I was just immediately like, how did I send that to you? Because I just looked at who I'd sent it to. I was like, but I've just sent it to Whipper. Yes. So I just immediately rang, I was like, gee, what, this, I'm going to sound very old here. What have I done?

How did you see that? How can I fix this? because that was just what is going on. And then she explained here, it's, oh, it's in your status. You must have just uploaded it to your status as well. So everyone can see it. And now you can take it off. So a little word of warning for everyone, but that's who she is in my life.

So I said, hey, listen. We got a guy in the 100 whose dad confused the post bar for Facebook with the search bar. Oh, that's bad. Oh, why do you keep mentioning Emily Radichowski, all your status updates? So he was only after they couldn't get on to drive around and he was having a busy day searching for things. Oh, look, you can happen to the best of us. Just a bit of fun you thought was private fun.

It was fun. It's two types of fun There's public fun There's private fun Try and keep them siloed So you know Judy's great So I'm like all right

She's right She's right in the slot here So I gave her the assignment And I said Last night Hey grab a mate Could you record Like an example

Conversation Of how Gen Alpha would talk And that's what we've got Is today's chitchat So it's not Aando Not you and I Yeah Doing the chat

Have a quick listen Before we get out Okay have a listen to it. She's recorded before school this morning, so thank you very much. I've got tea to spill. Oh my God, tell me, tell me. Okay, so this guy rizzed me up in art. Is he giving 6-7 or 41? Definitely 6-7, bro. He's so fine. What's his name? Pink Cardigan.

Are you kidding me? He's the most chopped kid in the school. So giving 41. Unc status. Go find you haze. Girl. You're too good for him, Diva. Bro, stop the glaze. Trust me. Actually, you know what? I am too good for him. Slate! Now, if I was in that conversation, and they all turned to me, I would go, well, how about that? Well, sounds, he sounds great. I couldn't agree with you more. That's going to be a half one.

So you sort of know what's going on, right? It's the same before to Jack. It's like when people go, oh, I can speak German, but. Austrian similar. I can understand it, but I can't speak it. So it's sort of like you do, you do know what's going on, but you would never say you were fluent. You can't participate. You can't participate. And so that's why I tell you, very, very difficult this edition. But let's just see how we go.

Okay, let's bring up our contestants. We've got Madison and Jack standing by. Hello, guys. You've got a pretty tough task today. I'll start with you. Ahoi, Madison. Ahoy, boys. Gusto to you.

And gusto to you. And gusto to you. Um, Madison, we're going to Jen L for edition of Chit Chet Champion. Do you have any young people in your life around the teenage years? I mean, no, not teenage years, early 20s, me, my brother and sister. Okay. Oh, well, you're a chance. How old are you, Madison?

I'm 29. Nah, you know, Jess. Yeah, you could. How old's your youngest sibling? Uh, 22. Hmm? Chance. What we're going to do today, Madison,

is we're going to play you a conversation between two teenage girls. It's Hamish's niece. Yep. And you can hear the whole thing out. So it's a few more, I know Chichot Champions traditionally is just one line from Hayme, one line for me, and then you go for it. You'll have to listen to the whole thing out, and then you have to come in with your best chat. Your best chat at the end.

Curveball. Okay, kerfball. Curve ball. I like it. Teenage girls. Let's do this. Yeah, big kerbal, big kerbal. and look, real, like, this is the pro-level.

This is pro-level chit-chatting. So, best of luck, Madison. I've got Jack here as well. Ahoie, Jack. Aoy, boys, and the weasel, how are we? Very good, how old are you, Jack? I'm 22, so I feel like I might have an other hand, but I don't want to speak too early. Yeah, well, I think let balance is out.

You have an other hand, but it's also... Because you're a bit of a creep hanging out with 40-year-old girls in this conversation. Yeah, it's also a strange, strange dynamic to just be the 22-year-old guy nodding along. having two 14-year-old girls chat as best friends. But that's the playing field for us today, Jack. We wish you both the best of luck. It's going to be tough for Andrew and I'll judge too because I think, you know, I think you'll know if someone has just got in there appropriately and confidently.

Yeah. We'll put Jack on hold. Madison, are you ready to go? Appropriately and confidently, I am. Okay, great. We'll hit the opener and then it'll be all over to you after this. Chit me with your best chat Matter away

Chit Chat Champion Gen Alpha Edition Slay Okay Madison Good luck Madison The conversation starts now I've got Teeters Bill Oh my God, tell me tell me

Okay so this guy rised me up in art Is he giving 6-7 or 41 Definitely 6-7 bro, he's so fine What's his name? Pink Cardigan Are you kidding me? He's the most chopped kid in the school So giving 41 on status. Go find you, Haas.

Girl, you're too good for him, Diva. Bro, stop the glaze. Trust me. Actually, you know what? I am too good for him. Slay! Slate! That she is piping hot.

It sounds like he's got Riz. No cap. Oh. He's pretty good, as in the type of chat, just as from a 29-year-old woman on the side, that's the part. Guys, no cap. And I mean, not a skerick of cap.

No, you cannot find a piece of cap in there. I have no idea what Maddie said. What does that translate to, roughly, Madison? Look, they were talking, yeah, lots of slang. I was really channeling my youngest brother when he's talking to his girlfriend, to be honest. Right. And what did you say, though, if you were to translate what you said?

Mine was basically like, yeah, wow, amazing, exciting news. He sounds like he's got a lot of charisma, and there's no joke about it. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. Do you get a little bit of this from my son? Am I translating for you guys? You're absolutely translating.

Yeah. No, I'm an 11-year-odd son, so there's just a lot of Sigma is flying around in the schoolhouse. So I'm across a little bit of that, but that was great. I mean, you came in confidently. I would say you hit at least three, three, like, good hot-button words. Can we put Madison on hold for a second? What I'm Madison?

I like my heart. I just want to check on the judging here, Ham. Yeah. Are we judging, like, best mimicking, like, I could be a part of the conversation? I think we are. I mean, you've got to, chit-chat, chan, and you're trying to level with them. That's the hardest part. Yeah, but if you imagine it, like what Andy's saying, if you imagine it real life,

if somebody almost pushing 30 came and sat next to you and said that. That sounds like you've got red flag. I'm not sure. But you also have to, you, I think the challenge is, can you like get, can you get on the level with a 14-year-old. You can't just go... You can't just go... I mean, if we were playing,

would it be a pass if I just went, well, I've got no idea what you're talking about. Do the dishes. Well, that's what makes it complicated. Yeah. I think... I just wanted to get a gauge of what I mean. I think we're gauging who can be on the level.

Okay. Great. Well, Maddie's done a great job then. He has been bringing up Jack. Jack, are you there? Yeah, mate. Madison has registered her attempt. Okay.

You will hear the conversation and at the end, do your best. All right, copy that. I've got Tetus bill. Oh my God, tell me, tell me. Okay, so this guy rised me up in art. Is he giving 6-7 or 41? Definitely 6-7, bro. He's so fine.

What's his name? Pink Cardigan. Are you kidding me? He's the most chopped kid in the school. So giving 41. Unct status. Go find you, hars. Girl.

You're too good for him, Diva. Bro, stop the glaze. Trust me. Actually, you know what? I am too good for him. Slay! You know what? Personally, I think if the Riz was good, you've got to give the chops to the chance.

Because even though he might be chopped, he could make up for it with his amazing personality in Ritz. That's just my opinion, but what do I know? I'm just a silly little boy. Jack, well done. Bring Madison back as well. That was pressure. You felt the pressure?

Yeah, because you bought 22-year-old. Guy will be talking about this to 14-year-old girl. That was the tough part, wouldn't it? Gee, you both... Extra points for Jack, including I'm just a silly... You know, I'm just a not just a little boy, but a silly little boy. I mean, it's tight. They were both...

It's tight. They were actually really good. But I want to give it to Jack. Yeah, I feel like it was more... I would have... Sorry, Madison. Yeah, but I feel like... He had that weird, creepy condition, so it's fair.

Yeah. Oh, I mean, he was completely... hat backwards, chair, turn around the other way, a job for a feet teacher trying to talk to the kids. But at least he had a disclaimer at the end where he said, what do I know? I think that was the part that got it for me. Look, we're going to send you both a token of no value

because, hey, we've got heaps of them. I'm real. The quality. We've just got to do it with you. Two scoops each. I'm happy with that. Thank you, guys. Really appreciate it.

Thanks so much. Thanks. Thanks, guys. I just asked Carly to go and grab a certain someone that works with us here, and his head just rolled back. It's just like, oh no. Here we go. Oh, yes, Darcy, because I have been working with his wife,

and she often tells me things. And then I go, gee, this can't be right. It really is. We have to probe a bit further and put him under the microscope. You're under the microscope right now. A powerful microscope. We're all going to be under a microscope. You know what?

I think maybe it's time you put... Darcy. Under the microscope. Welcome back in, Dars. Thanks, guys. Have you been on this year? No, I haven't. Not since we got married.

He's escaped the microphone. This music must just... There's no fun for you coming in here. No. No one likes being under the microscope. I have a fair idea of... of this one. Really?

Would you like to self-confess? Well, yes. I was going to self-nominate this a couple of weeks ago just in our pre-show meeting because I thought it would eventually probably find this way on to this because it probably does deserve a bit of under the microscopy. I'm hoping that we get a new one. Yeah, of course, Santa.

This is the oldest trick in the police book. Well, your mates already told us what happened, so why don't you tell us in your own words? Do you want to say what it involved? Sure, yeah, yeah. Well, this one was a bit of a series of unfortunate events, mostly made by me. I guess to go back to the start, we didn't have hot water for two weeks, I think it was, in the house. Wow.

So it had been about a week. At this point, it was a night time I was out having some beers with a mate. Jane was working at the 100 and had just come. home from a long day at work and I was grueling day at work for what I understand a meagre amount of remuneration

from the boss all things considered so she'd be cranky at the same time our dog Ollie had what could only be described as explosive diarrhoea and he had

he had a couple of accidents inside I'd gone home cleaned it up and then as I left I thought you know what I'll put on Jeff the robot vacuum cleaner just to just to do the floor got a call about four hours later from Jane saying did you set Jeff off yes I had yeah because he's run through Ollie's poo and it's gone all over the house so does can Jeff not see that I don't think so or is the problem with robots not having noses. And as, as, yeah, from previous times on this, he's my responsibility.

So you can see the exact trail that Jeff was. So, like, it would be amazing, like a shot tracer. Yeah, you get home to this, like, perfectly calibrated smearing of just all across the lounge room. Like, it's like, does he get into the corners? Yeah, he gets into the corner. He sure does. Is it carpet or floorboard?

It's floorboards, luckily, luckily floorboards. And the other thing as well, I guess when you see this on. on, you know, these videos online and stuff. What you don't realize is not only is he smearing it all over the floor, but he's sucking it up at the same time. So it was just an absolute mess. So, yeah, then Jane was saying, do you think it was really a good idea to put him on once?

When he had an upset stomach, I guess probably not. Then, I think, rest of confidence. This is great, darling. This is fantastic. Because the main misdemeanor, I don't think you've brought up yet. No, no, no. This is the part where it gets.

This is all still back stories. It's all worth. What a week. Because is this just painting the picture as to why tensions were a little frayed between a man that was enjoying beers and not giving too much thought to floor cleanliness and a woman working for a tyrant who just wanted to come home and have a warm shower and be able to stand? somewhere that wasn't covered in shit. That's pretty good shit, yeah.

And then, yeah, I got home and she's got the mop and, like, it's middle of winter, all the doors are over. He stunk, like, it was, it was not, she was not happy, just wanted to have a shower. Anyway, so then I flipped Jeff over, got gloves on, I was cleaning him out, and I thought, I need to superheat this stuff to really clean it. And so I thought, I can put his bits and pieces in the dishwasher.

because I... I mean, I would have had a... I would have thought similar. Yeah. So you can take out his, like, mouth and his stomach and all this. Right. And so I put it on the top shelf and, yeah, there were dishes in the dishwasher. Then the net, then, then...

But again, again, you go, it's at 70 degrees. Nothing survives. Exactly. Yep. So that's the main contentious... point from Jane. Yeah. Not just waiting for a cycle.

He's like, I'll get it on the top shelf in amongst our food dishes and cups. Let's get it done now. Let's get it done now. And get that done. Yeah. And then the next, yeah, at work the next day, she'd got home from work. And then she called me and she said, did you put Jeff's bits and pieces in the dishwasher? And I was like, yes.

And she said, there were dishes. There were dishes in there. You keep getting these calls, which is in trapment. There's no one else that lives with you, right, except for the sick dog. Because all of these calls seem like the only answer is, yes. That was me. Yeah. And then when she said it, when she explained it over the phone, that's when you say it like

that, it doesn't sound. It doesn't sound great. So, yeah, that's where. What did you do with the dishes? Do you have to throw those out? She'd unpacked all the dishes because the bits and pieces were on the top shelf. Then she pulled out of the top shelf, realized what had happened. So then restacked the dish.

washer with all of the other ones and put it on again. Will one more wash to do it? I mean, I understand where you're coming from, Dars, because you go, if you feel like we have to wash this in hot water, we don't actually have hot water available. It's apart from the kettle that you could have used a kettle to go, I want to get this done now. And even though there's dishes in there, I'm not going to take a bunch of dirty dishes out of the dishwasher.

So you were really just trying to solve a problem as fast as you could, driven by guilt, because you created the problem. So, yes, I realize, great self-reporting. Thanks. That's exactly what I wanted to hear. And I think Jane gets, just so you know, gets a little bit of comfort when she can air her grievances to me and then everyone gets to hear them.

So, well done. I was actually thinking about the tracking of the vacuum cleaner the other day. Because obviously, I assumed the robot does a very methodical grid and you would have been able to see that in like the poops me. Yep. I was thinking along the lines of upset Andy, I was like, we put a very accurate GPS device on me and watched, you'd be furious with the pattern I run when I vacuumed and I was vacuuming.

I was like, I bet Andy like, you know, back and forth and like perfectly, like mowing like a golf green. Like it's like manic, like it's a perfect precision back and forth. And I completely go where the whim takes me. I'm like a wandering. Like in medieval times where you just go town to town thing if your services were required.

I'm just wandering from table to kitchen and back again if I see some crumbs, they're toast, but I certainly don't do it methodically. And I made, I made, you're going to roll your eyes a little bit,

but I'm going to say it anyway. I made a recurring resolution. In terms of falling victim to the Instagram algorithm, which just absolutely pummles me. I'm not sure if you're familiar with big wave surfing and what happens when a big wave surfer gets pinned to the ground and the waves pummel them and pummel them and they can't come up. Sometimes they have to hold their breath for like three minutes. Three minutes. Yeah. It's wild. That's sometimes I feel with the algorithm. With ads going at you, too. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that if I'm buy some things, they'll let up,

which is like thinking if you take some sips of the ocean, you'll be able to drink your way out of it. Because you find out there's much more of the ocean than there is of your capacity to drink it. We had a specialist on to explain to you. The more you buy, the more they target you because they go, I thought I could drink my way out of the ocean. So what's the resolution?

No more impulse bars. That's it, clamping it shut. We've just, like, got to change. And I was having a great run, a great run, had months clean. Yeah. Until I'm scrolling Instagram, and I come across this. I just got the new World's Brightest Flashlight. The old former World's Brightest Flashlight has a 100,000 lumens.

The new one, the MS 32, has 200,000 lumens. I'm honestly scared to try this. out. I won't even shine it in my house. But for you, I'm going to go in my backyard and test it out. Come with me. Shown it in his house. Jesse burns the house down or blows a hole through the wall with the pure energy.

Didn't you buy the world's brightest flashlight a while ago? Yep. I reckon a few iterations ago. And I had the world's brightest tort, like handheld small one. Yes. Actually gave it to my son to take on camp because he needed a torch like at the start of this year.

And I was like, oh, mate. And if he needed you, he could just shine it in the sky. So I gave it to him, I was like, mate, this would be great, thinking, like, just you'll be the complete alpha dog with this power of torch. And he came back from camp and I was like, how was it? You know, did you chop anyone in half with the power or whatever, like a lightsaber? He's like, now it ran out of batteries, like really quickly. Right, of course.

Oh, yeah, it does chew the next issue up the power. I think he had a powerful torch for, you know, flashlight, tiki for like four minutes. What I love, the thing. that gets me with that ad, right? And this is people who are susceptible to advertising will know this, the statistics. The old one has 100,000 lumens. You'd think that's good.

The new one has 200,000 lumens. Twice as many. You can't even shine it inside. You can't shine it inside. That's the part that gets me is like, you don't need a torch that bright. Like, how far away are the things you're looking for? If you're going to shine it, close your eyes,

and it's so bright you'll be able to see normally through your eyelids. However, that guy won't shine it inside. I thought it is a cool thing to do on this show. Wow. Do we? Oh, you've bought it. Oh, you've already got it. Do we shine it inside?

Do we do? Don't. Don't be silly, man. If you don't want to see it, face the other way. I'll shoot it safely into the corner. Should we turn off all the lights? Don't turn off the lights. No, you don't need to.

Really? It's so bright. Okay, okay. You ready? Yeah. Where, is it on? Yeah, can't you see it? There we go, and it's got a strobe effect too.

I won't shine it at you, you'll kill you. It's so normal. We should have turned off the lights. We can't tell us all about it. Yeah, no, yeah. Well, I'm just saying. It actually doesn't, does it, is it brighter? When it's good, man, it's the one's trying to shine it straight at us.

I don't care. No. Good on you, though. That's quite. powerful, though, because you're both inside and you look directly at the torch. Shut in your own face. I'm trying my eyes, guys.

Oh, right. Right, right. It's from close vicinity. I felt that in the back of my head as it went through my eyes and my eyelids. Yeah, it reflected your brain onto the back of my hat's a bit warm. Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast. will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamish and Andy.com.