Hamish & Andy - 2025 Ep 311 - A Treat for the Platinum Poopers!

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

Andy suspects someone out there has been a little too inspired by the show, so the boys launch an investigation in Segment Sleuth. Jack tries to upset Andy with his odd laundry routine, and the boys imagine what mandates they’d roll out if they ever ran for local office. Plus, Hamish unveils a fresh batch of GISS Tapes - exclusively for those who’ve hit Platinum Pooping status!  1. Segment Sleuth - crumpets 2. Upset Andy 3. If Andy were in politics 4. GISS presentation 

A Listener Production Activate your internet Because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three Two Sorry, still buffering One Ahoi to me sick Hamish

Oh um slang names for well-known positions around the office. SEC, secretary, Janney, janitor. No, it's not a word of my Janie, Jack. It's my... Ahoy to my brute. Aboying. Brute sec. Oh, cups of wine, champagne.

Don't it? That he's good. Gee, he's lost touch with the common man. I wouldn't even know, Jack. Cask or homemade. There's only two wines I know about. And I am due. Spelled D-O-U-X. Yes, the champagne spectrum of dry.

Highness levels. I actually didn't even know what it's dressed. The dew is the sweetest type of champagne. It's very sweet. Highest amount of sugar as well. The sec being medium dry, off dry, and the brute very dry. That's me.

Ahoi also to Meg, who went to hamishanadcom to let us know what she's been up to. Ahoy, boys. I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with a little baby boy. When we were giving my mother-in-law some clues as to what we're going to name him.

We said it's a six-letter name and it's the same name as a famous Australian comedian. She came back very confidently with the name Andrew and we had to let her know that we're actually naming him Hamish. So, commiserations, Andy,

on the I-N, inferior name. And congratulations, came on the Heson. Keep it up, boys. Really love the show. Brutal loss. Welcome to the day. A little home. I can't wait to have you here.

Guys, obviously song sleuth is part of the show. A lot of people send them in and where we kind of put a musician or a performing artist under the hot lamp to say, hey, has this been too heavily inspired? Yeah. It also happens with segments. When people may have been too heavily inspired by our show

and have gone on to create a segment of their own. It's always an interesting question when you're dealing with IP, isn't it? Now, I don't know what you're about to do here, but I come back to the same thing with song slith. I go, look, there's only six strings on a guitar. It's only, let's say, 10 spots you can hold the strings. So that's 60 possible.

But, yes, we get your point. You know, at some point, the more we keep producing, we're going to start repeating some patterns. So you go, was it obvious? Was it going to be found anyway? I sometimes think the earlier artists get a free kick. I've said it before, and I'm not having got Pythagoras, but I think very, like triangle theorems, you know, triangles had just been invented.

Like, we would have got there. We would have got there. Again, well done. It's a very well-loved theorem. Just things like that. You get in early, you're going to have more of a chance. But radio segments or podcast segments or creative segments are a tough one because there are some that would eventually be thought of. But then there are others that are quite odd.

Well, let's see how you guys feel about this one to jump into it. This sounds like this sounds like this sounds like this If this sounds like that I'm your man Andy Lee segment sleuth Sent in by alert listener Aaron fell on my side of the fence Hamishandy.com if you want to chat to us about anything He said, hey lads, particularly Andy You may want to have a look at this nine honey website online article

Oh no, the call's coming from within the building Andy, your show The 100 is on Channel 9. Yes. And so, I mean, we... So was Lego Masters. I was Lego Masters. So we do... I think this shows that we are happy to push aside alliances.

Yep. The big man can't pay ourselves. We will bite the hand that feeds us happily. Yeah. If it's a funny bite. It's for a truth that needs to be told. Yep. This is the article.

Now, I've used AI to do the article, right? So they're reading it out the datum. You don't want to just read it? This is the article. Wispers around town are that Queensland crumpets are different from the other states, with some claiming that they're thicker, fluffier and better. So we decided to test this theory with a crumpet battle of our own, a nine-honey taste test.

Just because your title has the word honey in it does not mean you own all crumpet-related material. Now, Whispers around town. Playing our podcast low doesn't count as a whisper. I heard a whisper. Hey, could you just whisper what's on this paper to me and then I'm going to do an article about it? All we want is credit, because the thing is I wasn't coming out going,

hey, I've come up with this idea. This was written in, this was given to us by a listener. We've got the guts to call a listener. We don't call them whisperers. We call them listeners. Well, as with every segment sleuth, you play a bit of the segment. And then you have to try and compare to what we did, see if there are similar tones coming through.

Let's have a listen. Whispers around town are that Queensland crumpets are different from the other states. People from Melbourne and Sydney have noticed that when you go to Queensland, the crumpets are fluffier. Wow. That's very similar.

That does sound like a similar base in treble. With some claiming that they're thicker, fluffier and better. They're fluffy, they're thick, they're incredible. The lyrics really line up on this song, don't they? So we decided to test this theory with a crumpet battle of our own, a nine-honey taste test. I thought the only thing to do is we have a test. We do a blind tasting to see which one is the fluffiest.

Great. I mean, if you rearrange the words of a sentence, and the sentence still makes sense, it's not a new idea. No, exactly. Another one. As soon as we held, both packets. in our hands, it was clear we were onto something. Mm, were you?

And I can only tell from the look, we've got four warm crumpets in front of me. I even feel like number two seems fluffier. I mean, guys, that's the stuff I do. I do first impressions of crumpets. I'm the guy that notices the fluffiness of crumpets without tasting. I've always been that guy. You can't just come in and go, we're all so good at noticing the fluffiness of crumpets without tasting. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. So it's cut and drive for me. Sorry, Channel 9, if this means the 100 can't continue, I'll stand by it. Yeah, Andy Lee turfed out after exposing huge racket, podcast repurposing racket. Yeah, look, I unfortunately think that is, that... Guilty? That's guilty. That was a whisper that has turned into the cries of foul, foul, foul on Nine Honey's part.

Well, well, well, we try as we might. We can never get away from compiling the ultimate list of things in this chaotic world. And that's the way the world is, Jacko, it's chaotic. Doesn't have to be. Disorder is only increasing, but there's one man standing with both hands against the exploding cupboard of mess that is planet Earth going, no, I demand order. That is Ando. Let's see if we can upset him.

Everything is neat and practical Because that's the way he likes it But what if it wasn't Upset Andy I'm before we jump in A lot of people have been sending us Oh fruit bowls They're fruit bowls

Yeah Fruit bowl If people think it has to be in the fruit bowl No, maybe I wasn't clear when we did this on air Quite often if you have a Depending on the lip of the bowl quite often the fruit bob pile likes to accumulate underneath the shade of the fruit pile. I'm camping under there.

Yeah, these are bits and bobs that don't have a home, so I'd go in the fruit bowl. Yes, one role of undeveloped film from a party two years ago. You must get around to develop things like that. It was interesting seeing the photos of some people who had fruit and the junk in the same bowl. In the same bowl, yeah, I leave surprisingly neat. I feel like you'd appreciate my fruit ball pile, and though. The fruit is in the fruit bowl. occasionally a magnet or something finds its way in there,

but mostly our fruit bowl pole camps under the rim. Well, our mate, Eddie, who lives in the state, sent us a live update of his fruit bowl. And so I went across to mine, and I saw Beck's sunglasses amongst the fruit, and I thought, how do the hell do they get in that? Revivational pool. But other than that, it was a fruit-only bowl.

No, no, that's how it begins. That's a gateway item. If you were driving around with me at any time in the last couple of weeks, if so far on a road trip at the moment, in my car, it would be doing your head in. For a number of reasons, but this would be the key one. Every morning I get in the car and there's an alarm that says, cool and level low.

And I go, yep, fine. I have to press a button to clear that. Then it goes, higher pressure low. No worries. Still within acceptable range. It's only yellow. It's not red. I have to press that.

It goes, update, not completed. last night? Yep, that's fine. There's never updates. I don't know why. That's just never has. I have to clear three error messages. And then it goes, emergency breaking, air, not available at the moment. I go, that's fine. I just get in and I have a raft of error messages. But I look and I go, well, you keep telling me the cool level's low, yet the little thermometer gauge is always bang in the middle. So you seem to be handling it. But you don't have to wait until it's dire situation. Well, it's obviously not a problem.

So you obviously can handle. This is what I'm trying to tell the kids all the time. You're actually capable of more than you think. So you don't have to come to me and complain that you're cool levels low because I actually believe in you that you're a car that can maintain its temperature. Because we went on 100km drive on the weekend and you never moved over the middle. So you're fine. There is a direct contrast to what's happening in my car at the moment because there is,

I got one yesterday afternoon, an error message. Yep. which was the SOS calls not connected. So my car is if you're in an accident, there's a button you can press that will call emergency services. Really? That's cool. Like an elevator? Yeah, I suppose.

The thing is, there's no button to clear or anything, so it sits there. So I have booked in to go into the service to get this one, even though it doesn't affect the driving of the car, but I just don't like having the SOS calls. calls not. If we swapped cars for a while, how long would it take you seeing Maya and messages before you did something about my car? Oh, within 24 hours. I wouldn't actually have it finished, but I would definitely have booked something within 24 hours. Maybe we have a little car swap.

A little friendly car swap. So many upset Andy's coming in. Jack, did you say you had one? This is a quick one. Would this upset you? When I do the laundry, we take it in turns. When it's my turn, I dump it on the Landrum couch, which is not odd. But instead of packing it away and folding it in the moment, I'll just like any time I'm going past the living room, I'll take a few items off the top and go and put them in the drawer. And then next time I'm passing by, I'll get a few more items. Beck does this.

But you're busy, Jack. Yeah. It actually means you dedicate no time to it because you're picking it up as a task on your way to other things around the house. But what about folding it? No, well, you can fold it on the walk. Should you choose to do so? Yeah, which I don't choose, but you could.

If you choose to play like the Hellstar rating. I choose not default. All right, here we go. Ando, so many coming in. Ahoie to you, Emily. Ahoy and gusto to all. Gusto to you, Emily. What have you got to upset, Andy?

Another laundry-related one, courtesy of my very wonderful fast and loose husband, who is a beautiful hands-on dad to our small children. You know, little kids. when they're sick, vomit can kind of strike out of nowhere, always seem to be in the middle of the night. You just want to get everyone back to bed as quick as possible. So here's approach is to, you know, get rid of those vomit sheets, bundle them all up, no time to rinse off the chunks,

straight in the washing machine. So the next day, whoever has the pleasure of hanging out that load of washing, we'll find that the vomit chunks do remain. But now they're clean. They're clean. Absolutely. I mean, it was food once, once upon a time. We were celebrating those chunks. Exactly. Welcome in the kitchen. We had them on the bench top. They were carrot. They were peas. No. They were friends of the family. Now, what crime have they committed apart from being eaten for a while and then reproduced?

Can you confirm to me that you will wash that again, though? Yes. The first time I was a bit flawed, wasn't sure what to do. Ended up letting it dry so I could kind of shake it off and then put a True again. That's what Taylor Swift meant. Exactly. That's about dealing with sick kids. Okay, Mom, I mean, no crime as far as I can see there for the husband. Hagan joins us all the way from the U.S.

Ahoie to you, Hagan. Ahoy, fellas. How are y'all doing? Oh, great. What about from the USA, Hagan? So I'm in Florida. I'm in school in Florida, but I'm from Tennessee. Right.

That's in kind of Mr. The old Tennessee Twang. Mr. Ralph territory, isn't it down there? Yes, it is his home ground. I personally have never heard of the guy Y'all good, nice, he's playing the game. I feel like you're acting and that's good because that's the deal.

Hagen, what have you got? What have you got to upset Ando? All right, so at my house, there happens to only be one handle on the bathroom door. So to enter the bathroom, you turn the handle and pull the door handle out and then you go in and you can pull it shut with the hole,

do your business, get everything over with. But then to get out, you have to reinsert it on the other side. it out that way. Yeah. But if you forget to bring the door handle in, you're just there until someone else gets home. And what an exciting game to add to the process.

Yeah, that's brilliant. Yeah, it's pretty fun. And if someone's new to the house, sometimes you don't tell them about the game. Yeah. And they get to find out the fun way. Yeah, it's fun. I think it's like, I don't know if you guys have this in America,

but in parks, like in public parks, there are those taps that don't have a turner on it. You have to be from the council with the special key to put it in and turn the tab on. It's just like having one of the special park keys. Yeah, just like that. It doesn't upset me because I like the thrill of it. But I also like the efficiency.

Say if you're having a party or people around, people know it's occupied. There is zero chance of you're getting walked in on which would provide a lot of people with some comfort. A pro move if you worked at a hardware store. Yeah, if you worked in a place where you had access to handles or knobs would be to bring your own. And to really shock someone when they're in the bathroom

to put it in the outside, turn the handle and come in and go, just so you know, mate, I bought my own knob. So great fun. Thanks, Hagen. Jason, you got something for upset me. Ahoy, Hamish. Andy No, 6. About six, well over six months ago, I got myself a brand new pair of shoes. Lovely.

Factory outlet, of course, because in touch. Yep, of course. No crimes will be bought you for losing touch for wanting to have something between your bare feet and the asphalt. Anyway, got up home, bought them for the first time and found something interesting about them. One, my left shoe was laced up going inside out through the holes and the right shoe was laced up going outside in through the holes.

Had every intention of getting that fixed one day but decided, you know what? No. Can't be bought. No time for that. Just run with it. Jason, I hate this. this one. You would unlace, you would fully unlace a whole shoe?

I would unlace a whole shoe. Absolutely. Yeah. That works the same way. It ties up, little ropes, little holes. And I prefer outside to it. What would happen? All right, what if you had uneven lace shoes?

Beck saw them and he's not going to like that. You know, better do the right thing. And she relaced them but had both of them now matching, but you're unpreferred way. I'd be fine with that. I can deal with that. That's not going to trigger me across. But yeah, I mean, those anything, like I lost the drawstring in my running shorts the other day. I spent ages trying to get that back.

I know a lot of people just go, well, it's gone forever. You know how it's sucked up in. But no, I can't. I soon throw them out. How do you get it back out? It's a long process of just trying to work it back up. You massage it back out. Sometimes you use a paper clip.

Anyway. I was going to say, could you, I would, my first instinct goes to get a coat hanger under that. it through, push it through. Push it through. Oh, the whole way. Yeah. Oh, yeah, reverse. A bit of pressure from the back. This one had, I don't know what I'm talking about.

We've quickly turned into an AM radio life hacks show. This one had a, at the back of it. Yeah. A sewn bit that secured the lace. Allegedly. So you couldn't go all the way around. You couldn't do a lap of the, of the... King in the tunnel.

Yep, okay. Sorry, Mickey. Mickey, avoid to you. Do you have something to upset Andy? Oh, yeah. gents, I certainly do. I think I might have a good one as well. So every morning for a while now, I've had yogurt and granola for breakfast. Now, previously, I used to buy individual tubs. I think that might be 75 mil or something like that. But it was the current cost of living crisis.

I have now opted to buy the larger tubs. I think there might be a leader or something along those lines. Now, what I do is I whack the lid off, I throw in my granola. and then I'll just eat down until I'm satisfied, chuck the lid back on, chuck it back in the fridge, and then repeat for the next day. Absolutely no problem with that. There's one thing that would trigger me more.

I mean, I don't love it, but there's one thing that would worry me. Do you eat out all the granola to get to just clean yogurt again? Yep. Yeah, because there's a fresh layer of the yoghut. That's it. I'm done. Next day.

No one would know what you're up to. I'm okay. I'm okay. Yeah, nobody's going to know. And not only it's economical, it's cost-saving, it saves a bowl. It saves so much. Do you live with anyone else, Mickey? Yeah, my wife and my daughter, they're unbeknown to my doing.

Okay, I have a problem with that part of it. But otherwise. It's fine. Family germs, as they say. Family germs. And I mean, I know people that will do a similar thing and they'll have a rule like, they'll just do one big dig in the Yonge. yogurt with almost a salad spoon.

I've done this before. Yeah, it sounds like you're talking about you. Yeah. And the argument there is to go, well, no germs were transferred. And now I eat the tennis ball-sized yogurt lump off the salad spoon. Zoe did catch me eating yogurt with a salad server. Which is like, what are you doing? I said, to be honest, the base of this spoon looks like all the others.

You know, we've got a silver one or like a stainless steel one. Looks like all the others. it's not to you pull it out, do you realize it's a giant spoon. And I was eating with that. I was eating yogurt with that. And she's like, what are you eating with that giant spoon? I said, the base looks like the others.

By the time I got it out, I don't have time to go back and find the appropriate spoon. I know I can make this work. Forward momentum only. Oscar, wrap this up for us. Ahoie to you, mate. Ahoy, gentlemen. S-P-I-P-N-N-N-N-N-N-6.

My brother has purchased a new TV about 18 months ago. What size? And he has refused to turn a nice one, big one, Samsung, Lucky Nice. Dad would hate it. Yeah. But he refuses to turn the audience setting off. And I know you've got the Tours Terrier,

but he has got the loudest Australian Shepherd and two under two. So when the full ensemble gets going and the TV starts matching the audience, you can imagine it's pretty chaotic. Hang on, is there a setting on the TV where if it's loud, then the TV gets louder. It gets louder. Yeah. Oh, wow. We might have that on our TV, but I don't know about it, because we're always writing the volume on our TV.

Maybe it's responded, I might have learned something here. So he just has that on. And when the dog, so is it, do you say when the dog barks, then the TV, like, explodes? The dog barks, the baby cries, you know, TV goes pretty, gets it goes above that. That's what you need when you're a family that's got a baby and a dog barking. TV to go, I think I know how to help this situation, I'll get louder too. Just add maximum anxiety to that.

I'd be adjusting that as well, Oscar. Thanks, mate. That's good, Oscar. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Have either. Have you ever seen as much?

Have either of you ever thought about it? Like, have you thought about... No, you're just saying it now is shocks. It's like saying, have you ever thought about asking a doctor to transplant an elephant's trunk onto your face? It's just so wildly like. No, it hasn't crossed my mind. If you had to run for something,

because I've thought, I'm the same as you, I'm like, prime minister, too hard, too much work, too much responsibility, too much critical feedback. My God, everyone's just snip, snip, sniping at you. And all your decisions are so big and high and there's a long chain to filter them down that you don't end up even getting the credit for them. And at the end of the day, some people like it, some people won't.

That's right. You do one good thing and everyone's like, oh, yeah, but you haven't done, you know, fix my road. Yeah. I know it's getting harder and harder in society. Why would just stick your head up like that? I think I'd prefer to be a local counsellor because I reckon you could get praise.

I think if I had to choose one of the two, I think like being a local counsellor. I suppose the smaller the scope becomes, the more likely it is you can have an impact. Yes. You can do something simple like change the fortnightly recycled to once a week and people are like, oh, and you vote him and again. Well, I've got two. I've got two things that I want to bring in.

Because I'm thinking, like, you can change your own house. Like, that's, you could be the head of your house. Yeah, I'd never be like that. That's about where I could have an end of them dog. Yeah, no, I'm, I'm little boss. Zos is that big boss, but she's out. I'm allowed to, I'm big boss. Yeah.

So I know what it's like. to be acting, the acting president of the house. Well, let's consider this as our first council meeting. And you would actually be a great, there's no, I'm not ruling out any leave for mayor or council member at all in your career. A lord mayor, you would suit a lord mayor. I thought, I thought you were definitely going to, yeah, no, that was ceremonial. That's, I think it's, I think it's a, you know, like, they go, oh, it's the 70th anniversary

of, of dancing ladies, you know, and you go, oh, I'll go there and you watch them dance around. And you have to pretend to like it. It is a full-time job. Like Lord Mayor is a full-time job. I don't think that's what you're after. I think you, and this, you know, correct me if I'm wrong here, but knowing you, as I have for a very long time, would it be false of me to say at one stage, it crossed your mind to be like, oh, it would be fun to be president of a football club. And then you realized how much work was involved.

Yeah, yeah. I thought it was more of a turn-up on game day and everyone loves you. You pop your head in and go, how are we all going? Everything good? Yeah. Everyone thumbs up to you and you go, yeah, good. So you liked that when it was more of just a check-in, take all the credit role. Yes.

But I don't think you realized, oh, my God, it's a full-time job. No, no, exactly. And that's out. So I think you like counsellor because of the part-time aspect. How much, how many days per fortnight would you be willing to commit to the council? Two. I think it's more. I do think when you're a counsellor, there's more.

Not with how quickly we work. But I think that could be your platform. Listen, I'm going to give you two hot days of fortnight. Exactly. And I won't charge for the rest, too. I think that would be appealing to better. That would be good because the council is a black hole. You submit anything, you're like, oh, we'll never know when we hear back.

But if you knew, Andy's like, I'll give you an answer every second Tuesday. And honestly, I would front up to the campaigns be like, listen, he will. He will. Yeah, you won't like your answer. He's going to be quick and blunt, but you'll have your answer. Here's my two mandates if we're at a council meeting now, and you guys can workshop them with me because I think they would have. I'm so fortunate that it's one of you one days a week.

First one, in public parks, especially multi-level parks, should be mandated. Oh, car parks? Car parks. Yeah, car parks. What suburbs are you? A three-story footy field. No, multi-level car parks. Yep, yep.

It should be mandated that small cars have to park leaving space at the front of the park, showing that their bum is. Oh, yeah. Oh, you can't hide your car. You can't hide your car. That's the worst. Because that's so annoying for when... It does my head in.

Yeah, not in my council. Yeah. So you get a parking fine for going too deep in a Nissan micro. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean... No deep micros. Prejudice against small cars.

Smart cars would hate me. But again, you can still use the park. No, they wouldn't if they just play by the rules. Yep. Use the park. Just make sure your bum's hanging out. Not hanging out, but just on the line with everybody else. Let us see it.

Let us see it. Let's see it. Second one. Harking officers aren't allowed to find you if there's a spare spot in front of you and behind you. Oh, so what you're going for, it's not a busy day. You could have moved. Yeah. Because the thing is, I mean, they're going to say parking officers aren't allowed to find you in the same spot on consecutive days.

Because it's kind of poor sportsmanship. It's happened to me. Yeah, I've already got to find that. This happened to me the other day. I've had this shoulder issue, and I've had to be going to the physio. And, of course, you know me, I play the game. I know often, well, I don't pay for parking because I play the game. And so I.

And the thing about playing the game is, obviously, you get free parking, and that's mine. But you must also admit you're playing the game. And you must die by the sword as well. Sometimes you get very expensive parking. I got given, I get hit, and it's about 1.10. Oh, God, well, it's been a while. Haven't been caught for a while. the next day had to come back to the physio

and got again in the same spot. I went, okay, that is, feels like it's cheating from you guys. That's just poor form. That's just not sportsmanship. Does it make you, because I've had that before where I've been done twice in a week and it's made me not want to play the game as much. Are you still?

No, no, it won't bend. It makes me want to park illegally even more. Now you've got to earn your money back. If I was a parking checker, I would just follow you. tail me. I'm a whale. I'm basically, unlike when they flew billionaires in from Singapore to gamble. Well, my point is, if there's a park, so they say, councils say there is paid parking to increase flow of parking so everybody

can go and get the spot. Yeah, yeah. If it is about increasing flow, if you've got a spare park in front and behind you, you shouldn't be able to get a fine. Yeah, 100%. And you know what it would be nice too, because what I think I'd, and again, I'm not running, but one of my things I'd bring to counsellors is to go, we do all this infringing, so much infringing. Like, everything's a fine, everything's a notice, everything's an inspection. We're trying to whip everyone with the stick to bring it back in line.

Let's have some carrots out there. Let's throw some carrots. What is wrong? And I'm, this is actually a genuine question. What is wrong with giving your parking offices a different machine that prints out nice notes and goes, I thought you meant five bucks or something. It just goes, hey, mate, you did overstay, but there's not many other places around. And after all, the fines are for, you know, increasing traffic flow,

so it's not a big deal and enjoy your day. Could have got you, but we didn't, you know? Wouldn't that put a spring in people's step? Yeah, that's part of my camp. And an email came to my side of the fence that told a very, very special tale. It was an email from a young woman called Shannon And she and a friend of hers, Alicia, are big fans of the show And they've been listening for a very long time

And Alicia made Shannon an incredible birthday present So back in the days when we first started talking about Or I first brought up the concept of a gone in 60 seconds, which is a situation where you're at a cafe, you say to your friends, I'm just going for a wee, everyone wait here, and you go off and you're able to do your, everyone wait here, don't follow me, your sickos, just stay here and enjoy that non-toilet parts of the cafe. And it's that thing where you're like, you don't want everyone going, you know, if you're there for five minutes, everyone goes, well, he's doing a big poo. So you go, okay, just off for a wee, go to the toilet, got to move quick, and it's not a comfortable thing. There's zero comfort involved in gone in 60 seconds.

Get through the door. You know, pants, boom, business, boom, wiping. We all know the steps, but you've really got to choreograph them as fast as you can. Yes. And get out, wash, bang, back to the table, 60 seconds, under 60 seconds ago, sorry about that. Where were we? Yep.

Everyone just, no one's any the wiser because they know you could not have done a poo in that time. Now, Shannon and Alicia were into it. I know, like we're going to practice it. A lot of people are. A lot of people are. of people practice them and I love that. And I, if you remember way back in the day, said a couple of times we had some instructional tapes

on how to do them. They were a big hit. People enjoyed listening to the instructions and, you know, getting in the mindset, conquering the physical and mental challenges that are gists are gone in 60 seconds presents you. Have you ever covered... Sorry, I know you're getting sorry.

Have you ever covered if there is a weight for the toilet, like how that's factored in? I would say in that case... You're allowed to come back and go, Sorry, there was a queue. You covers blown, almost in that case. If you get there and there's a way, I go back to the table and I go, sorry, the toilet's been cleaned.

Yep. What I just have the truth. It depends if you're a man or a woman. If you are a boy and you go, yeah, there's no spots at the urine all. I'd go, well, why did you just wait? But if it's a single toilet or a unisex tour, yeah, that's what you're saying. It's pretty weird for a bloke to come back and go, there's just absolutely no room at the urinals.

And I couldn't imagine a situation. A cafe with just like a single unit sex toilet. Usually just one toilet, yeah. Anyway, so, but again, yeah, good one. You have to adapt on the fly. Anyway, so Shannon's birthday comes around. Alicia presents her with an incredible present. Alicia has tracked and logged and made a spreadsheet of all her bowel movements.

What? Times, times, dates, notes. Categories like urge to go, and I believe it's out of five, so a rating out of five, need to go. The door open to flush time. The return time, the time of the day. So the total from table two back to the table time.

She's trying to guess with every bowel movement. That's the only way you get better, Jack. The only way you get better. Is it a game? Are there any trends? She gets faster. And she puts in some, What amazing performances.

They're some amazing performances. Anyway, look, Shannon sent this to us to go, I just think you guys need to know about what's going on out there, what Alicia's done. But does a leash? We've got a leash on line because it's Alicia's birthday coming up. Alicia, ahoy, and maximum gusto to you. Ahoy, guys.

Alicia, is this a present? Like, you know, you've just shared something with your friend. Are you, were you unaware that that's what Hamish was doing right now? I, look, when Carly messaged me asking if I could get on the phone with you guys, I thought this could be the case because Shannon messaged me not long ago and asked for the spreadsheet. What she doesn't seem to have mentioned is I actually did a PowerPoint of this for her birthday and made a couple of our friends sit down and go through all the graphs with me.

The data's fascinating, and yeah, I've only got the spreadsheet itself here, which is all the days, like months and months and months of data, like, did you have coffee? Did you have food? Coffee obviously correlates with a good time, or would I be right in saying that? That just seems to be, like, from looking at the raw data, is that what the graphs had? Yeah, look, coffee definitely helped. We also put in after grog-bbs as well, so they are, they impacted the time a little bit.

In a negative sense? In a negative sense, a little bit longer. Need to go seems to be one to five. Is five the highest urge to go? Five, yep. Five is I'm about to poo my pants. Which fascinated me because one of your five times was a 211-11 table to table with a 124 toilet to flush time, which is some of your longer times.

Really? So what's going on there? That's the fascinating thing about this. You had had coffee. It was not an after Grogbog. Oh, God. Were you surprised by any of the data that came out of Asia? From memory, I hadn't gone number two in a while

and had literally gone for a walk in the morning with my housemate, got home, and she jumped straight in the shower. And she takes the world's longest showers. So I was pretty much just sitting at my desk, like, hot sweat, dying. So the toilet's in the shower area, the same bathroom. Yeah, yeah, same bathroom, waiting for her to get out. And I think just the stress of it, you know, really impacted my time. This is why you've got to keep it through, you missed your window.

Andy and I talk about it all the time. This can be just while we're all being really honest, we talk about it all the time. If you get an urge to go, that's your window. Yeah. If you miss that urge, it can subsides and your body reabsorbs. and that could be hours before you get the urge again. We've all had that feeling where it's like, you know, it's lunchtime or whatever. And you go, but I had the urge. I had the urge hours ago.

So let's just get back to there, but you can't recapture the urge. From looking at my graph, too, I'm pretty sure in the whole time I was recording these stats. So there was only four that were not a gone in 60 seconds. That is just incredible. And that's really what I wanted. It's what I wanted to talk to you about, Alicia, because as someone that's sort of, I guess, one of the arbitrators of the movement that had gone in 60 seconds, I looked at this and I thought, the game has changed so much since we've started this.

Now, Shannon obviously appreciated what you did for her as birthday present, and she asked us, can we do something special for you for your birthday, which is coming up in a couple weeks? And so I've been thinking about this for a little while and it seems like the perfect time to do this, I have recorded a new series of the Gone in 60 Seconds Instructional tapes for someone like you who is clearly elite and is not mucking around and is not doing this for fun. They are doing this to get better.

They are doing this to be the very best. That's why, if everyone else has listened to the first, couple of sets of tapes and they feel like they're getting better and better and better and they wonder where can I go from here especially for you Alicia we have got a brand new series of gone in 60 seconds tapes coming out hello and congratulations on attaining platinum pooping status as you ready yourself to attempt a GITS gone in 30 seconds and then a GITS gone in 20 seconds or for the select one point percent of the 1% a G-I-T-S. Gone in 10 seconds. Beware. The techniques required for this

elite level require training and skipping this training can result in premature poop in your pants or the feared complete rectal a explosion. Across the next 75 training exercises we will deeply... Module 18, truly fearsome power. To expel your business in sub 30, 20 or God-willing 10 seconds, you are now entering the realm of far more than responding to a normal, simple bowel contraction. You will need to build up a truly fearsome level of power through fecal pressure and attempt to control it in a very small cubicle in a very small time window.

Big wave surfer Laird Hamilton once said, if you don't have respect for a wave, it's only a matter of time before the ocean teaches you to get some. Same holds true for the ride you'll experience in a GITS. Laird is also unofficially quoted as saying I've never felt anything like trying to poop sub 15 It was like sitting on a rocket launcher Whilst trying to do a thousand piece puzzle My wife said she heard me screaming

But honestly all I heard was a pan flute I was in such a good Module 44 No sit pooping Trajectory Power Distance control Accuracy

These are things you never have to consider With the luxury of sitting down to poop But with a gone in 20 seconds, you simply have no time to sit and will have to launch your brown bomb from a semi-squat position or for a gone in 10 seconds completely standing with a powerful flexion of the pelvic floor resulting in the launching of a poo's missile that arcs gracefully towards the bowl

and by the time it lands you've wiped and are buckling up. Eating a lot of olive oil in the morning of the attempt will help lubricate your insides for the smooth transition you'll need whilst also packing your diet with fibre will give the projectile the shape required to sail through the X. Module 76, bonus module. Before we conclude, it's worth mentioning the GIOS,

the gone in one second. While scientists believe it's still purely theoretical, there are rumours of an ancient sect of shell in monks who were reputed to have pursued and successfully achieved a GIOS. Bruce Lee was said to have been able to punch so fast A film camera was unable to catch him His punch being between the 124th of a second frame time

It's this kind of speed The gone in one second monks practiced executing And ancient scrolls show their method Of fly kicking the toilet door open Spinning, D-Pansing, upright pooping from outside the room with fearsome accuracy And repansing all in the time It took for the door to bang open

And bang closed Gone in one second. Who knows if we'll see a modern GIOS in our lifetime, but for now, aiming for the sub 30, 20 and 10 marks should provide you with enough power pooping to keep you striving to be better and give you a deep purpose in life so you can obtain the ultimate compliment

for your friends when returning to your table. Wow, that seems short even for a wee and there's no way a turd happened in that time. Enjoy that feeling, power pooper. You've earned it. Wow. Wow. I'm glad Alicia that you've inspired that. That is what you can aim for, Alicia.

Don't think you need to? My point is the purpose of it was already achieved with just people thinking having a wee. No one needs you to run back within the split second. Now, Andy, now you'll be able to poop and to them perfectly close the circle. Imagine getting, sorry guys, we've got to do a wee, sitting back down and going, ah, they were closed for cleaning. But you did do it, but you did, because you did have gone in 20 seconds. They're closed for cleaning now because of what you did in there.

Jack has a problem with this content. I was looking across at Jack. I just thought at some points it was very descriptive. They're instructional tapes, Jack. Cassettes are an audio medium. You can't leave anything to chance. Did it paint a clear picture, though. Do you know what I mean with the shower in?

No, I got the door kicking open, very visual. And how they would have had to go while the left. was still up as they were like returning. Happy birthday, Alicia. Thanks so much. Happy birthday, mate. Thank you, guys. Cheers.

Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamish and Andy.com.