Hamish & Andy - 330 - ⁠Hamish’s Meme Misfire

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

The boys come up with a plan to show Bec an elegant, dignified way to sneak a respectful nod to golf into her and Andy’s wedding. Darcy is completely blindsided by the first “Darcy Under the Microscope” of the year, and Hamish shares the one meme category that doesn’t land with his wife, Zoë - online or offline. Meanwhile, Jack turns to Andy for help navigating the awkward return of a drum kit he borrowed from Hamish.  1. Horgs Chats Golf at the Wedding 2. Darcy Under the Microscope 3. Hamish's DMs with Zoë 4. How to Return The Drums to Sydney 

A listener production. Activate your internet. Because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three, two. Sorry, still buffering. One. Ahoy to me perimitrium. Amish. Just before the metrium, huh?

Yes. Okay. Ahoy to me myometrium. Jack. Yeah. We're inside the body somewhere. Yes? Yeah.

I think about wear jackets. In our tiny shrunk-down submarine that we're touring the body in, it's such a big place. Well, maybe where Andy is driving, we'll discover where we are. I think this is probably the one, that this is the part that I was like,

oh, I recognise this. The other two I didn't know. Endromatrium, I am. Oh, are we in the wound. We are in the wound? We are in the reproductive system. Yes, we are. What are we doing in there?

No one asked us to go. go in there. You are the altamose slayer, Jack is the middle layer, the thickest layer, and I am the innermost layer, the mucus membrane, but together you and I are hugging Jack and

making sure that no one can get to him. We sure are. And while, I mean, yeah, just for three guys to assume the role of the inner workings of a womb is a... No, we do it. I mean, it's a controversial way to start the show, but... No, so. It's a good.

We're learning. No, we're being progressive. We're being allies. I think it's scientific. But it was good science. Ahoy also to Will, who went to habeas-hanity.com, to let us know what he's been up to. Ahoi boys, Will here, calling in from a sunny San Francisco. Just a quick note, I think something went a little bit under the radar in last week's pod at around seven minutes and three seconds, to be exact. Andy did pronounce what I would call a shammy, and I think most would term at that, he did pronounce it as a shamwa, which perhaps Andy you've got a butler at home, or maybe even a few who are French, and perhaps do pronounce them as chamois when they are drying your car off. But I would say the common man is typically calling that a shami. So Andy enjoy the chamois.

but yeah, that's lost touch. He's gotcha. What would you call it? I thought, I call it a chamois. I thought a chamois was like the brand name for it. Shammy for me. I'm very calm, man. I was always going to say that.

Are you thinking of the shamwau? Maybe I'm thinking of the shamwale. I think that was like a home shopping. My dad used to call it a shamwa. And I wouldn't say he's lost. He's passed that down. Well, maybe he had. And you didn't know.

Maybe he's a primary school teacher. We had the one camper van that I was helping him watch. It was the family car and camper van that I was helping all two cars. No, we had the one car. Oh, two double-use car, though. Oh, wait, that's the same. He was a camper van and you're... It was the family car.

The camper van was the family car. That's pretty common, man. That is pretty common. I mean, it's tough to dissect that one. There was a point where we all went to the same school. Mum and dad both taught at the school. We all went to that school. And there was a point...

And did you live in the camper van at the school? Or did you go to some other house? No, we had a house. Must be nice. Multiple places to sleep. Oh, it must be very nice. Do we sleep at school? Do we sleep at home?

We're spoiled for the choice. Too many beds. Pass the chamois, daddy. Why do we just roll up all our shamwars and sleep on a big mattress of shamwars? There was red nose day back of the day. There was a day where I could remember all five of us with a red nose on heading into school. And I was like, can't believe we didn't get bullies.

lead more as we get out of the camper van as a family yeah anyway yeah yeah can happen well i mean fond memories but um it just goes to show you just can't you know you can't slip anything past listeners they will catch you they'll catch any indiscretion i mean that like i'd say your upbringing was pretty common man but if there's one area i'm happy for you to lose touch it's for your upcoming wedding oh yeah we the more outrageous the ideas the better that's the better that's certainly been the policy that we've been running on the show. Jack and I have had limited success getting our ideas into your wedding. Can I say, even though Beck now knows it was a joke, the lingering feeling of me having bad ideas remains. Also, you're trying to pitch real ideas

now, but you're tarnished by your reputation. I'm gone. Like even, yeah. So just be careful with you, with games, everybody, because I think Beck subconsciously now thinks that every idea I have is terrible. Give us an example of a real one you tried to pitch that's like elegant. I wanted surprise, surprise, surprise speech. So at the wedding... This sounds like a two-point. She, that would fit right in with the game.

It's boring. It's always the same people speaking. I reckon there should be like... It's tradition. I think, like a spotlight goes around. It's bad enough where people get up to speech and they're prepared. You do not want it landing on number 72 at the... the wedding and them standing up going, here I go.

I'm just going to wing it. A lot of my mates are very keen on the wear approach with the number of what order of invite you thought you're going to be. I can't think of anything that's more appropriate to Andy's high school mates than the ranking. Is it hogs that every year on the golf trip grabs people, gives them a fat pinch test and tells them how many kilograms that he goes? We have a weigh in, but it's not on scales. He just walks around with his hands, like forceps.

and just holds your blubber and goes to there. Just to give a snapdress. It's a competitive group. It's a competitive group and they would love the broaches. And we still a chance to do the broaches? Oh, I broached it with Beck. But no. What about if it was a known thing?

So you don't have to provide. You don't have to rank. But people come with what they think their numbers. Optional. Okay. So you can make your own bro. And I will be doing this. I will be doing this.

I've just decided I will absolutely be doing this. You can bring your own PIN. Yes. I can't stop you. I can't endorse it if Beck's listening, but I certainly can't stop you. I've never worn the Order of Australia pin because you get one.

I wonder if I just do that and a little number six. Yeah. You can remember of Australia. I can't remember that. What'd you do? What did you do? It's many things, Jack. They just decide.

Oh, just entertainment in general. It was a, it was about time. Yeah, they ran out of people to give it too. Yeah, the weak yield day. And the weakest field of seed. And the wild card winner from this year is? Who'd you win it with? Well, I mean, it's actually mostly...

You run it with a children's entertainer. Again, we... You don't win it with people. You're named on the list. It's probably not even called winning it, hey. Yeah. You don't win it. You go with a bunch of other people.

Most of the people are getting it very deserved. They've been in, like, you know, the defence or they're like firefighters and local communities. The numbers. Local community heroes. They are the people that are on the list with you. And then they do throw in a few well-known people, I suppose. To help them get in magazines and stuff.

Yeah, exactly. It was very honored to get it. It was actually the King's, the first chance he had. It was his first birthday, I think. His first, was he there? Time in office. He might have zoomed in because of that government house. There's so many people there.

I can't remember if it was there or not. But I was very flattered that it was his wish. His birthday wish. The very first time he got in as a king, his birthday wish was for me, she'd be honoured with the lowest rank in the honouring system, the Order of Australia. Then it goes to the other medals that are much, much higher.

But still a nice nod to the king. And should I ever be in the position where I'm handing out medals, I will firmly consider him to have one back. You meddle my lapel, and I'll meddle yours. Good rule. Anyway, what are we doing? We're on the wedding. On the wedding.

On the wedding. Some positive movement, Ando. Now, I know, like, so many of the ideas got mixed, got cut out. I actually did have a, we had two emails from people that used T-shirt cannons at their wedding. And I spoke positively about it. Two huge fan fan. Someone, second I were out and someone came out and said, you should use the T-shirt Canon to Beck.

So you do have a bit of crowd support for that, which is nice. I think that could still get across the line. The guy was in a Bing-Tang t-shirt and probably possibly got the t-shirt, probably possibly got the t-shirt or the singlet from a canon. Yeah, yeah. That might have been a freshly canon singlet. Taking his advice with a grain of salt compared to, say, a lead stylist or something. What a shame.

She's in the sham-o-cambeam-camp, and those of us that believe in shamis and are getting judged for our bin-tang singlets that we enjoy wearing. I agree. A comfortable, soft singlet. This comes in from Duncan Ando. He listened with great interest to our desire to keep the idea of hogs chipping a custom-made golf ball-shaped container with the two wedding rings inside it, chipping it to Cam, your best man, with you and me as backup catches. In the part of the ceremony where you need to produce the rings, as a respectful and,

and exciting nod to golf, to have been a great part of your life. And we think this can be done in a very elegant and dignified way. Yes. Sorry, you work on not laughing when you say that. Do you realize I'm making the face, like, practicing the face or do at the altar? As we assume the slips catching position and hogs now, Because in my head, I'm hearing it commentated like the royal, like the crowning of King's Chalz. Yes.

And I like to think, I'm hoping, you know, how people have things they pass down to their children. Like that in the Lee House, like, oh, they always chip a ball. Like, I think that we get enough of momentum. That would be a great tradition to pass on. Yeah. But I just like, you know, you can imagine the commentators. And now we see Michael Hogan taking his 56 degree wage. And Camley.

is the primary target. But of course, groom's been Blake and the groom will be back up. There's a hush now in the church. Lovely soft hands. Beautiful chip. Rock the shoulders, beautiful chip. Beautiful chip and camp takes it with no problems at all. There's a small round of applause from the congregation.

We can't be so dignified. No one pretends that wasn't a great chip and catch. And then you're straight back into the ceremony. Artulation from Beck. Beck. Sheeds a tear of what you can only imagine is pure. joy. Now, we've had not watching her one day she dreamed about her whole life, you turn into a sports skills festival. And now it's time for surprise, surprise, surprise speech.

Wonderful. And now surprise surprise surprise. Celebrant. We will now pick a random congregation member to marry Andy to surprise, surprise, surprise bride. He's going to marry someone. else. This is a lot of fun. You don't see this at every wedding. So Duncan and his dad, they run a prototyping business. They can make all sorts of things out of all sorts of materials.

He's put his hand up because we said we wanted to rehearse this. Yes. He's put his hand up to go, I'll do it. We'll make the golf ball container. Great. He's going to get it made. Reach out to him. He's pumped.

I can get wheels in motion. I think I could get it. He reckons he could get it done two weeks time. Oh, great. So we can do the rehearsal in two weeks. time. I spoke to Hawks. Actually, Matt, can we get Hawks up?

I spoke to Hawks at the pub. I just want to actually ask Hawks as well if there's anything he can think of that he wouldn't. He's the one chipping it. So I want him to, I want him to kind of have a design saying this. Oh, as in the design of the container.

Maybe there's something I'm missing. Maybe, you know, just like the weight of the ball. And, you know, he wants, I just want to make sure we're getting what he wants. Yep. Okay. I did bring him at the pub. He joins us now. Hogs are you there?

Hello, boys. A hooy to you. Hello, hogs. I'd just say, first up, this would be so exciting for me. I've been a best man twice, and on both occasions, there was no trust in me holding the rings. I've never been able to do anything to do with the rings in a wedding, which is just outrageous to start off with.

Twice, twice. That's kind of the main role of the best man. But knowing your history, hogs. I mean, when we were 19, you got out of the cab, but we got to the pub, and we went, oh, no. And I went, what, you had, I've forgotten shoes. And you had socks on. Do you remember that at the Armadale?

Yeah, yeah. So there are. We're on from there. Yes. We learned. You say that, but you did arrive, and we've talked to us to the pod at the airport with your golf clubs in a box. Because you didn't have a bag.

Remember? Yeah, I don't remember that. And then one other time, you rang your wife and said, Dahl, I'm a while at the airport, you're going to have to follow it. This is the directions I went, because I left the boot open, and clubs were falling out of the back of the car, and she was asked to follow you and collect it like some kind of scavenger hunt. No, it was my golf shoes that would fill out.

Oh, is the shoes, okay. If shoes aren't been a problem. I might actually bring your spare pair of shoes for you, Horgs, because you'll have so much brain power on the rings, I'll be like, I better bring hogs at size 13. So when I said to Hawks, this is the idea we had. Hawks, can you remember what you said? You actually stopped your paws.

You took a large gulp of the pint of beer that you're having. Can you remember what you said? I can do this. Is that what I said? You said, I can do this. I fully believe in you hogs too, because you are a pressure player. And so here's what I want to know from you. I'll be asking these guys to manufacture Duncan, his dad,

to manufacture the ball to be the exact weight and feel as close as possible of a real golf ball. But it has to latch firmly, I suppose, because, you know, you could be hitting it with quite a lot of spin or whatever. It could be a screwing open. Could be a screw top. I think the easiest, the easiest would be, you know, the easiest ball to hit is like, you know, one of those practice balls with holes in them. Oh, like a whiffle ball. The light ones, the light one. Yeah.

And then even larger ones, you know, so if there was a large one than that, I'd get it 100% of the time. So a slightly bigger, wouldn't look as golfy. It could look a little bit. No, if it had holes in it. Yeah, but then you need to have the rings inside it as well. They'll be rattling around. Yeah, but I think you can still have a ball inside the ball. Oh.

You know, so it's a solid ball inside the ball, which is quite small, about a 20 cent coin. Then it's slightly larger. I saw I was going to look a little bit larger than a golf ball, but I think it will work. Right. We need the heavier. Can't we just have one ball? Yeah, we don't want to make it heavy.

We don't want to make it heavy. So what if I could get at the same dimensions as a golf ball but lighter than a golf ball? Yeah. Because that means I can hit it further. So you actually, people can see my swing. You know, I can have a pool. Okay, yeah. Right.

That's true. What would your preferred distance? be? I think 20 metres would be nice. That's huge. That's a pitch. Do you need a glove, dogs? No, no, I'm off the glove.

But 20 metres, I think that's like a cricket pitch, which would be similar to a wedding pitch. Ile. You do often see the priests step out That's the correct length of the pitch before a wedding. And here comes back now off a very long runner. She's going to want to have to pick things up. She's going too slow.

Okay, great. Okay, so do you think anyone, so Hawks, will anyone in the congregation require helmets? No, especially if you lighten it up a bit. Are you envisaging? I always thought of this as you coming from the side of the altar, chipping on, but you're thinking maybe you're going down the aisle.

Down a line, yeah. That's what I was imagining. Yeah. Because on a traditional way, I don't know if it's what you're doing around. Like, I don't even know if it's in the church or not, but it's like, you know, you've got two rows of pews or two rows of seats there. You know, bride side, groom's side, hogs right in the middle. Yeah.

So would this be... It's exciting. Would this be before Beck goes down or after? After. That's after. She's had a moment. Because I was more thinking before. because then we obviously would hate to hit Beck

and before it's just a bit of entertainment before the you know. I'm not too many people and felt like they needed to jazz up the previous game. And then maybe at half time we get a few dirt bike jobs. Well, Hawks, we're going to set it up so we can show Beck. Then we'll show her the video to give her one last chance

to veto this because we feel like we're going to be so dignified in this. Okay, so you're looking 20 metres and just off like a normal kind of golf range mat, or do you want to bring your own? Or do you want to just go off the ground? Oh, just the ground, the carpet there. The carpet there is fine. But if we tell Beck, it's beforehand, I think that might get us over the line. She'll probably say do whatever you want before I arrive. But I think that does change the stakes. I think I don't think so. I think beforehand, the anticipation is that's the buildup for her moment. You know, her actually, that's right. Suddenly you're stealing from.

The whole point of the beforehand that 20 minutes before she gets there is everyone just nervously like pumped to, you know, turn around and see the bride. Yeah, we can't feel that moment. And the rings have, it's got a traditional spot where the rings come out. Yeah. And that's when the bride is already at the other. And I think you have the celebrant just go, and now Michael Hawke, childhood friend Michael Horgan will deliver the rings to Cameron Lee, the best man.

in the medium Andy has requested. Yeah, that's nice. What club do you need, Hawks? What are you going to take over? Off the top, maybe just a pitching wedge maybe for that distance. Really? You're not a 60 or a 56. I mean, don't we want a nice little laugh on it so everyone can see it?

It depends how high the roof is, I guess, because, you know, you're hitting 20 metres. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, there's spoover thought. We'll try and get the exact. driver because me and Andy and Cameron trying to catch it. So, yeah, you want something that has a nice loop to it, I think. So we'll organise this for, what, a few weeks' time? Yeah, two weeks time.

You're good for rehearsal and two weeks time? Fraze. Frays, bird. Yeah, okay, thanks, mate. Good to chat. All right, she's coming together. She's coming together. Now we just need, what, just sort of a dress.

And from back then, we're good, got the whole wedding. Guys, as you both know, Darcy here, who cuts the podcast for us, the Dasnip sometimes takes out content that's about him because he's the last layer of defence. He's bought this on himself really. He's coming in.

He's charging in to jump on the mics. He bought this segment. I assume we're going to do another Darcy under the microscope. Yes, because Darcy's wife, Jane, works with you and TV production. And that gives you exclusive access. Unvetted access. And Darcy's life. And Darcy's,

Usually I have some indication that these are like, I can sort of feel that they're coming. This one has taken me completely possible. Like if Jane comes down and she's like, oh, sorry, but at lunch today, I did mention that you sleep in Lightning McQueen pajamas. And could be coming down the pipe. I think this isn't necessarily as something's happened in the last few weeks, but I just learned of the story. So that's the other thing.

You should be on your toes. I get historical. Darcy's Darcy incidents that also come up. A lifetime of transgressions. Anyway, let's jump into it. There's plenty. You're under the microscope right now. A powerful microscope.

We're all going to be under a microscope. You know what? I think maybe it's time you put... Darcy. Under the microscope. Yes. Welcome, Darcy. Thank you.

Our producer just had to tell you to get closer to the microphone, which was weird because you do work in audio. He can edit the audio. He just doesn't know how to produce it. probably from his mouth. No, Das, this all came about because there was a heated, I mean, this segment really is a retaliatory strike because there was a heated argument about whether the front of a robo,

she's the fore or the aft, or the coxswit sits in the front or the back in school rowing. You really dug in against some pretty straightforward arguments. You then regretted being wrong. You edited it out of the podcast. We found out about this, and it has since then, this is about the sixth or seventh, Darcy under the microstrope that is in. You kind of did bring it on yourself, but it has been a fun world. The fun mining, vein to mine.

Jeff, the robot vacuum cleaner has featured quite heavily on this segment. Not featuring today, though. Okay. You guys went without hot water for a period. Yes. Yeah. How long was the period? Oh, like two weeks?

Can I just say so? Before we get into it, because I don't know what's going to come under the microscope, this is also a very fun game for Jack and I. Yeah, because this is like watching a true crime drama where Andy's... You trust the suspect in. He just got the suspect in, oh, mate, just a couple of very routine questions, I'm sure. It'll be fine. But you've seen the episodes before.

You know he knows. You know he's sitting on a big thing. But I just love the jovial way with which Andy starts. It's just establishing the facts. I have no idea what this one is, so I'm nervous. Jane thought you should get in Gary the Gas Guru. Yeah. Now I know where this is.

You thought you should use ChatGBTBT to fix it. Yeah. Which she was saying, please don't do that. But he was saying one thing. And I was like in the background entering it into Chat GPT. So Gary the Gas Guru comes around. Just because you try to jump to the end of these stories. He comes around and Gary the gas guru.

He's a guru. And I assume he's like not just a licensed gas technician. As Andy said, he's attained the rank of guru. Gas technicians look to him for guidance. He turns to you and says it's an undersized gas line. Yep. Correct. You turn back to him and says, chat cheap E.T thinks it's the mixer.

Yep. he says, well, I think it might be the gas line undersized. And you go, no, I definitely think it's the mixer because I've been looking at this for the last kind of week and a bit. Yeah. And he said, replacing the mix is a pretty big job. And you said, do it. So this is such a fascinating.

Isn't this, I mean, this is robots versus humans. This is the front line. I thought trades were meant to be. I'm trying to encourage all my kids to get into trades. Like building electrician problems. I thought they were meant to be safe from AI, but not when the customer trust AI. Clients are staying away from Chachopet. So then, to my understanding, that he then replaced the mixer.

Correct. Yep. On orders of from a robot through a client. It took an extra week. Yeah. So you no hot water, no gas for another week. Yeah, we had to shower at work downstairs. Yep.

And then it turns out, what was it, it does? It was an undersized line. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really have too much to decide. Yeah, that is exactly what. Jane was you go back, did you go and back and tell chat?

Did you go, hey, chat, guess what? Yeah. Yep. Be made. Well, you know what it would say. It would say, oh, yeah, of course. You're absolutely right. That does sound like an undersized gas line.

Did you, what? What I'm interested in now is because Jane was not happy. No, she was beforehand she was pleading with me. Please don't say chat, JPM. Like, you looked up to chat GPD and say that to Gary the Gas Guru. Yeah. And I did and she was just in the other room with a head in her hands. Yep.

So when the guru comes back and it proved that he was right. Yep. What level, did he give you any smuggness or is he a professional? No, no, he's such a professional. And to his credit now, he's won us as clients for life because I trust. him complained. Whatever the markup on a mixer is, he's also pocketed that. He didn't need a new gas mixer and he was able to sell you on that.

Well done. So he wins. I win. We all win. How did you win? I don't know about you guys, but I have, obviously, get to communicate with my wife one-on-one face-to-face sometimes. That's fun. But I cherish those times.

Not to say that our wives aren't busy, very busy. But, yeah, your last-time jobs. Yeah. And I cherish those times. Absolutely cherish the one-on-ones face-to-face. Special time for me, special time. More, sometimes we must communicate via text message and email. That suits her workflow a bit better.

That's okay. Sometimes in the same house, if she's in the office, the office, her office. I mean, I'm allowed to go in there. She's not using it. But by appointment only if she is. If anyone, if you walk into our home office and you went, who do you think spends more time in here?

Yes. A woman that is the founder of a skincare brand or a man that podcasts, you would see the desk and go. Once a week. I think it might be the skincare person. So she's in there and she's writing books as well. She's got a new book coming out later this year. So she's busy, busy, busy.

And when you don't disturb mum and flow, that's a mantra we all know about. Right. So a fair bit of digital communication happens. And then another, the other way that we stay in touch from the same house. Yeah, yeah. Is we have a rigorous back and forth of DMs of Instagrams. Like, sending each other things, you see this, you see this. Like, you know.

On Instagram? Yeah. So it's a fun way for Zooters to be like, hey, you know, there's like quite a flow. So you'd be my, you know, 98% of my DMs would be going to Zoe because you're just flicking stuff back and forth. And they usually, they get at least a little bit of a response, like a little bit of like, oh, yeah, that was funny. Oh, yeah, I've seen that, you know, that woman that does the Claire Dan's impression.

She's hilarious. Yeah, great, great, great. But there's one category of thing that I've been sending to Zoe over the last month that has got crickets both in real life and, in online life, which is, I don't know if these pop up in your algorithm, but they're all these kind of like, they're meant to look like science. I guess they are pretending to be science accounts or whatever. Quite often the graphic is like the human brain, like a scan of the human brain,

like a futuristic scan, the human brain and an area like lighting up in the brain or something. And it's like research shows that squeezing your partner's buttocks for two minutes a day, lowers cortisol and a lot of days. Beck sent me one of these. Oh, that's lucky for you that your wife sending them to you. I don't really, I mean, I don't really do the scrolling thing. So I don't, but Beck sent me one the other day. She goes, do you see what I saying?

I said, no, went into my DMs and it said, science has proven that men who buy their partners designer handbags are less like to go. Yeah, she's got her version of the algorithm. I said it seems cheaper to go and buy the pills. Yes. She's got. She's got, okay, that's the other side of the algorithm. On this side, on the guy's side in the male-female relationship,

you've got a lot of science has shown that, you know, having sex five times a week will make you more production. You are heart disease. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. But they give a kind of a foe, and it looks sciencey. And a lot of people just get science from like TikTok and Instagram now. So that's, I've sent eight of these, I count it this morning, and not a six. single response has come back. And then I saw one today and I was like, I won't send this.

But I wonder who amongst us would be brave enough to send this. So it comes from the same, comes from the same kind of world. Okay. This is like, you know, as you can see here, it's like the human brain. And then like there's a little graphic of like that. Okay. So it's not even a video. It's just a still with the steel.

Yeah. It's often a still with like the pull quote from it. You go, reach a research is shown. And you realize now that they're probably just made by a bot farm. Yes. It's like what will get this sent to a partner the most? This one hasn't had as many. You know, you can see the stats, like how many people have sent this on?

This one hasn't had as many send-ons because I think no ones. Is you about to keep it or deleted? I'm a bit nervous about this. I was like, who amongst us? If the community that I assume there's a lot of people like me out there and Beck, who are sending their partner's hints on, We just find interesting science facts on via DMs. This one is research shows repeatedly complaining,

physically rewires your brain to prioritize stress, negativity and raise cortisol. Oh gosh, yeah, you're not sending that one. Not sending that. This looks like the ones that I normally send on. But I'm not going to go, hey, do you see that cool thing I sent about complaining? I guess if you could argue that like I'm putting my hand up and saying I should do less complaining. What do you think?

I was thinking this applied to me, yeah? The one, the only one I saw, I did see one in real life the other day and I walked in the room and I showed it. I was like, should I, do you want me to send this through? And it was like an eight-minute make-out session with your partner lowers, you know, like does something good for you, whatever, like for your moments. And so it's like eight minutes. you might not get eight minutes from now to the rest of our relationship. Like, you're not getting it at once. I'll take it out.

Hey, Jack came to me, and not a saying in confidence and now I'm sharing it. Jack came to me with an issue. You could also do that in future if you want to. I just came to you because you're unbiased in this scenario. And he asked my advice. And I said, look, I think I don't like triangular conversations where, you know, whispers behind Haynes' back.

I feel like we should always get in a room and nut it out. Now, it's to do with the drum kit, the electronic drum kit that, of course, you lent Jack. Yep. He then on lent it to a listener. I rented it to Jack. So lent is close, but I said a dollar a week and I'll waive, I think I waived the first year. But it's been five years. Yes.

Did we get confirmation if that was true? Well, I think that's between you two. He's not your lawyer. He's not your lawyer, Jackie. Already, this is impartial. He's impartial. I feel this has strongly been colluding before this conversation. But anyway, go in.

There's no colluding because Jacko just asked me a question and I said, I don't know, mate. Like, I'm not, I'm not in your camp. I'm not in Hames camp. I feel like on the phone you were more like, yeah, agree with you. That is an example of someone... Would you like to change lawyers mid-case, Jack? It's an example of someone hearing what they hope

would be an outcome. You don't see this in court with the lawyer going, but when we went out the back and spoke in your chambers, you were saying I was looking good. He said it was looking good for me. Now you're pretending that... So the drums are back in Jack's possession. Great.

So you went and picked him up, Jacko. No, Mitch dropped him off. Lovely guy. Great to see him. again after five years. So far you've done nothing. Yeah. I just feel like there's a little bit of grey area with how they get back to you now that you live in Sydney. Because when I hide the drums from you, you lived in Melbourne. Didn't you say though, but you didn't put any caveats in. You just said whenever you want them back, you actually said at the time, I'll bring them back

once a month if you want to visit. Well, that's what I have tracked down. I've tracked down that audio from a long time ago. I think it's 2017 could it have been. Is that crazy? Yeah, no, it's not And so you guys can both hear now for the first time. The deal, the rental deal. As I said, I'm a mediator. I'm not taking any side. I'll pick it up and drop it off when you need it. At my discretion.

Four times a year, Max. No, no, no. Deal. Yeah, there's a good deal. Good deal. Man, I'm bad at negotiating. So that was what was said. Now, I suppose what Jack is trying to argue Ham and put forth is he said that thinking that you would be in Melbourne,

and now that that's changed, he's asking whether that changes the deal. Sure, Jack, I completely understand that. And thank you for coming to me with this, and I'm sure we can figure this out in a fair and equitable way. As we all heard there, I said at my discretion, and you offered Jack four times a year. That was an amount that you thought was appropriate, offered by you, accepted by me. To a man who lived only three suburbs away when I said it. By my calculations, when I was in Richmond and you were in the very far north of Melbourne, outskirts of Coburg. That's an approximately 20 kilometre differential, according to my calculations here.

So that was nine years ago, nine times four, 36. So 36 times we'd agreed that Jack would drive 20 kilometres. to do that. And then obviously 20 kilometres back. 20 kilometres times 36, 720 kilometres. He agreed upon distance that he would travel. We're still not getting all the way to Sydney. And then back, I would say, puts us close to 1,500 kilometres.

So then, so Jack. 1,500 kilometres owed of transporting the drums. And that includes the back, though, doesn't it? So does that include Jack having to get? Yeah, because how would I get back? back. I think I can take them to 750.

So I'd like you to get them 750 kilometers towards my house. So you get them to Goldman or something. Why can't I just, what I was going to do is why can't you just keep going? I don't know. Because I'm tired.

Why can't we just ask somebody who's going to Sydney in the next week if they can transport them for us? What are you going to offer that person? We, we, us. They're already going. You know what? I've been tricked, Hey?

I've been tricked. I've been tricked. I've been tricked because... I've been tricked. Because Jack now is using this... Bringing up this segment as a mouthpiece to ask the listeners to transport the... You ask Mitch to bring him to your house.

You're asking the listeners to transport him. You're weaseling out of everyone. What will you give that listener? They're going anyway. Yeah, but this is someone... Don't... Okay, this is a call out for someone who... If I'm driving to the shops...

If I'm driving to the shops and Coles wants also has a friend that borrowed Coles's electronic drum kit. I'm not just going to chuck the electronic drums in my car because I'm going anyway. There is a hassle involved to taking drums in the car. Yeah, but you get a story out of it. Like, oh, what are the drums in the back for? Oh, yeah, kind of pick it up for my favorite podcast.

Don't you want that story? It's not a great story. No, it's not a great story for me because I work on the podcast every week, so it's not exciting for me. This is, I don't know. Andy actually has misrepresented the phone call someone. What that?

This, my memory of it was, I'm not going to drive these to Sydney ride. He's like, yeah, yeah, good point, good point. And then what makes it sound like, oh, Jack's come with the question. I actually didn't even come with a question. I pretty much said, I'm not driving. So can I ask someone to take the truck?

Then the other thing that happened is, we're finishing up the show today. And he goes, are we going to do the, uh, segment? I was like, oh, let's do it next week. And he goes, I'd rather like them out of my house. It's so impression me. You needed to do it quickly. I just don't want him hanging around and then next week it's like,

oh, the show ran a bit long again. Let's not do the drum thing. Just get him back. You want them, don't you? Don't you want them? Yeah, well, I'd love you to get them to me. What can you offer the listener that's going to drive them? Not more than a store.

I think you could pay for the first 750Ks of petrol, Jay. Not in this climate. Well, how were you going to get him 750Ks? He's got an electric. He's going to be able. Like, what I want to do is just go, drop them to your old house in Richmond and too bad, so sad that you don't live there anymore. I'm trying to find a compromise.

Unfortunately, you didn't say, I'd drop them back to your house. If you'd said your house, there would have been an argument. I'd say that was the house that you had. That's true. I didn't say this address. I just said, get them back to me. Yeah. So, well, when you're down at...

Now, you visit all the time. I'll give them to you when you're in Melbourne. Try to catch me, mate, because I'm not going to tell you when I'm coming. I'm going to run out of it. I'm going to cover myself in olive oil. Nothing will stick. I think, Jack, you have to have to think about what you can offer said listener as a I think you should pay for half their fuel to Sydney for sure.

If you're driving to Sydney this week and you also want something in your life, ask me for it and I'll see if I can do it. That's no promises made whatsoever. You want something in your life. And ask us, I'll see if I can do it. Sorry, I can't do it. What about at least one tank of petrol? But they're going anyway.

They're going anywhere. And now because they've got extra load and wear and tear on the car, they've been compensated for doing you a favour. Half a tank? Do you even want them? Because they're not brand new. And you love new stuff. No, this is the drums.

I ran them past Sunny's drum teacher. who's like these would be great to get. So yeah, it's for my son, mate. Yeah. And what about this rental? Eight years of rental. Yeah, what, a dollar a year? A dollar a week.

A week? I don't think we have evidence of that. This has gone too long. And I'm trying to help you. So so far I've got... All right, if you want to find that, you've got to find the audio yourself. You can't use anybody who works on the show.

Got to dig back through the archive yourself. That's tough. Have you used anyone that works on the show to find stuff? of, namely Andy? I will... Andy, do you have Jack get you to find audio? Can you hold off another week, Jack? It's up to you.

Half a tank now. Half a tank of petrol now. Or have him in your house another week. I will go back, listen to the break, and present my findings on exactly what was said and the whole deal. No. Half a tank seems fair.

What do you mean? No. He gave you an option of A&B. You can just say no. Which one would you like? Neither. What's your dream scenario? Someone just completely comes over the house, gets him for free. Someone's excited to do it.

Like, oh man, I love driving anyway. I'll come to your house, pick him up. I'll pick him up and drop him off to Hame. Maybe I'll get to meet him, get a bow. That's a win-win for me. Yeah. Well, I would love to me the person that's kind enough to do this, but this payment, it feels like you've got Midge to do it,

and now the payment you're offering is Hame will give you a good day when you get to Sydney. You don't have to give him a whole performance. Oh, you're pretty free, pretty happy, pretty happy farming out promises of boughs and get to meet him and take it around his house. Give him a thumbs up from the window. You don't even have to come outside.

I will come outside because I appreciate it. Yeah. Well, you mean, how's he going to get them what he's, because the other guy putting them on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, nature slip and then just waving to him as he gives him the thumbs up with a shoe off before I come out and collect. What if they turn up to my house and they have the receipt for the petrol? And then I give it to you, Jack, a receipt for one tank. And then you'll have to assess that claim.

What about this? They have the receipt for the petrol, but they ride in alongside what percent or they want that paid versus how fun the story was for them for the drive. That's a blank check. That's worse than agreeing. Well, I mean, it's up to one tank of petrol. does incentivise me, though, when they get there to just be an assholes of them. That might be a better story.

Yeah. Just be like, yeah, just chucking there. I'd be more likely to go to the pub and go, you know what, that Hamish bloke. Yeah, dropped his drums off. Yeah, didn't even care. I had to charge Jack full whack for petrol. Meanwhile, I'm inside, spying on the security cameras going, yes, they look angry. I think they're going to write down 100%.

I love that. Okay. Okay. Sure. Oh, happy you went to Andy now? No. I just wanted the show to finish. Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamish and Andy.com.