Hamish & Andy - 337 - Hame's Hives Instagram Custody Battle

Episode Date: June 24, 2026

Buzz is brewing with another Hame's Hives update as Hamish negotiates for custody of the Hame's Hives Instagram handle. Hamish declares himself a blue-ribbon husband and explains why, leading the boys to brag about their own husband credentials. Plus, Extreme Empaths, and Darcy is under the microscope once again! 1. Hive-Off 2. Extreme Empaths 3. Blue Ribbon Husbands 4. Darcy Under the Microscope 

A listener production. Activate your internet. Because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three, two. Sorry, still buffering. Ahoy to me, Norman Osborne. Oh, wow. I bet you we're... The first thing that came to mind was like different names for tie knots or something.

Because there's the Windsor, the double Windsor. Maybe the Norman Osborne is like more of an ornate. tie knot. That's a long shot for me. At the wedding, I'm hoping we're all wearing Norman Osnots. There's such an elaborate tie knot.

There's almost no tie left afterwards. Not that. Ahoi to my Otto Octavius. Okay. Oh, I know what we are. We are. Spider-Man villains. He's got it.

He is good. Well done. Norman Osborne widely regarded as Spider-Man's arch nemesis. He's the green goblin. To his mates. Otto Octavius, what a spider.

Smart. and most persistent foes. I like that as an idea. He's like, not this guy again. I know. Norman was always given off. Dr. Octopus. And I was going to be Venom.

Yes, that's the giveaway. A villain who gains powerful abilities from an alien organism. And when I first read that on the fly. I know what you thought. An alien. Different kind of organism. Organism.

So that makes more sense for the very family-friendly. Only the spider web comes out his wrist. She's out his wrist. Always the rest. Always the rest. Ahoy also to Julian. Went to hamish nanny.com. It found it very easy to upload the audio there.

Oh, poor thing. Good website. Good website. But that particular corner of it is hard labour. Sorry if I'm a little out of breath here, fellas. Just finishing a pint at Old Mates Pub. here in New York. I want a bit of a self-mandated break for a few months with my girlfriend while

traveling back to New Zealand, so I thought I'd pop in for a in-person gusto check. Good news on that front, very solid on the greeting and got a great beer recommendation from the bar staff, so keep it up there. Just want to give a shout out to my old mate, Vince, who put me on to the pod many years ago. And I hope you're still planning on 40 years of podcasting so that this one has time to upload. People up, guys. Cheers.

Yes, we have a pledge of 40 shows for 40 years. I was listening to a podcast the other day because 40 shows for 40 years is obviously 1,600 episodes. Yes. I was listening to something in the day and they're like, it was like episode 2, 3, 5, 7. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think 40 for 40 would put you right at the,

like it's not physically possible to produce anymore, but I think our one a week keeps the average right down. And they're waffling. There's waffly the other ones, a lot of waffle. You boil it down to the resin. And we'd be the richest. The highest concentrates, the saltiest of content. Yeah.

Tiny amount of waffle. Very, very little waffle. Very little. Mostly ice cream. Yep. If you are using waffles in that, too. I mean, this in itself is probably the worst waffle we've ever done. It's a pointless analogy.

Let's speaking of edible things, let's pivot, if we may, into some exciting Hames Hives updates. Oh, so it's a buzz. Is there a buzz? There's buzz. There's always buzz brewing. This is, of course, my pursuit, which began out of curiosity, then boomed out of spite, and is now running on spite and passion. Just.

To create a honey empire to prove to you that you should never have mocked that suggestion. Yes. That we should invest our money in bees. Jack, for you, how well does it have to go in one? what period of time for how to call it success. I'd like to know this for you to go, you've got it. Well done. We take it.

All I'm doing this for at the start, but now I'm passionate about the bees. All I was doing this front of stuff was for you to go, all right, we take it back. I think you'd have to, to call it a true success, you have to be at somebody's house who doesn't really listen to the podcast and you open their cover and you go like, oh, you've got James Hives. And they go, yeah, we get it every week. We like it. That's a dream customer.

Ben customers, a jar a week. That is a lot of honey, isn't it? Because you do worry. The pen sounds like your jars are going to thing. You do worry. Every time I go to the pantry and I use the hunt, our honey, I do think to myself, I have had this honey for a while. This is, we're not even, you know, the honey's not flowing yet, so I'll deal with this

when we get to it, but it does, repurchase frequency concerns me for the bottom line. Literally never goes bad, so you can. It actually can't go bad, yeah, because it's a Vizanty, bacterial properties. I can get stuff in it. Like if you get toast or butter in it, that can go off. Yeah, but it's not going to go off. Honey itself wants a very, it's a magical substance.

And I'm wrapped to be in the game. Okay, okay. Well, that's to good levels for us to attack it back. So if, for people that miss the last update, the first 200 hives are being purchased and set up. So Hames Hives getting operational. I've got our pledge to have a highest hive. So you have to strike deals with various farmers and land.

manholders around because you don't put them all together. We'll have about 20 different sites. Okay. Because then it's like, you know, you... So they've already got hives there and there's re-branding them yours? Nope. These are my hives. I'm buying these hives.

Then we're dealing with another company who has relationships with different farmers. But I'm also reaching out to people that have no hives on their land because sometimes farmers want hives for pollination purposes. Right. You rent out, they'll pay me to put Haves hives on their property. So we pollinate the trees and pollinate the, fruit. Have you got anyone interested in paying you?

Yeah, a couple of nibbles. Don't get their names out of respect for their privacy. And I don't want people knowing where the hives are because I think they'll become prized hives to... And these are all near manuka trees. Some of our hives will be. Others will just be near wildflower and different varietals. And one's at the top of the hill.

Then there is going to be one hive, the highest altitude hive in the world. Zero needs. No, no, I think the strongest bees survive. Yep. And that honey that squeaks out, even one drop of that, will be almost like Venom getting his power from an organism. And it will do magical stuff for you.

The strongest bees in the world producing the most potent honey. That's the one Jack I'm going to put into little sachets to sell to triathletes and endurance athletes who want to have an energy shot of the world's strongest honey. That's the kind of thing that speaks to Jack. I like the novelty of that. Like the gimmicks, I'm liking it. Now, obviously, we're talking about post-production.

That's after the nectar's being gathered, the pollen's being gathered, the bees have made their honey. I have not stolen, but I have taken the honey from the bees. And they have said, have it. We've got too much anyway. That's the deal with bees. We'll just go right back to making more. That's why we did it in the first place.

They love making it. They love making it. That's where I left the door open. You wouldn't rob them of the chance. In this world, after that, that's where the marketing kicks in to sell the limited releases, the first jars, the first vintages. You might not know the answer to this, but... I will.

Why are they making honey? These? Yeah, it's for food. It's actually to store for the winter. For them? Yeah. It's for their food. They put it in their little...

You take their food. As I said, Andy, they are delighted to be part of this. How do you know how much to leave for them? Yeah. Oh, how do you know how much you take from a cow? They're the ones that left their teeth open. No, sorry, I've snapped. No, I welcome all questions.

You leave enough for them to get by, but they make too much. They make too much. They're too damn good at it. Especially the bees I'm looking at. And that's why when I finally appoint my young, enthusiastic, disruptive beekeeper who's ready to shake up the whole damn industry, in accordance with my head beekeeper, that's how you sort of decide how much of the hive are we harvesting,

How much do we leave for the bees, keep them going through winter? Have you found that person yet? Taking applications still. But I do have a short list of names. How short's the list? Twelve. How many people are real on it? There are some decoy names on there.

In case it falls into the wrong hand. You would be mad to just have a list of 12. Real actual beekeepers for their security. For their security. Very true. You'd be bad. You'd never work in the industry again. You're not the guy that listed 12 actual beekeepers together.

They have families. They have lives. You can't do that to these people. So aside for all the things we're going to do, is what you're going to do. But it feels like every update so far is just we're going to do. We're going to do it. There is actually real business at hand

because I think I mentioned a couple of, oh, it would be many shows ago now, that someone started up the Instagram account, Hames Hives. As I mentioned, I didn't go and get the Hames Hives account. So from New Zealand, Paul has contacted me. He's gone, hey, I'm the current owner of the Instagram account, Hames Hives. I'd like to hand it over Amicably, but I'm not sure what platform to reach on.

He doesn't want anything in return there, but amicably raises, yeah, I'm like, why would it not be amicably? Why would it not be termed amicably? Yeah, it sounds like he wants something in return. Then I get another email this week from Tom. He's in Australia going, proud to say that I'm the owner of Hames Hives. Oh, Instagram account.

And I'd be happy to hand it over. Don't want to sound like too much of a weasel, but I'd do it in exchange for a jar of free honey once in production. That is a low fee to pay an idea. It's never going to happen. Well, Magic thing. What is interesting here is I've got two people

claiming two ions and one. Are they saying the same, like at Hames Hives? I don't know. They both just say Hames Hives. Right. Which is all one word. Well, yeah, all one word. That's the one word.

That's the one word. It's got me, it's got a cartoon version. It looks at a little bit chat. An AI version of my head on a bee. Which is very cheap, very, that's not the branding I'll be going with at all. We'll be very cutting edge, very design focused. We're going to disrupt that area of the bee game as well. A lot of honey stuff either falls into the cartoon bee category.

is Capulano a cartoon bee? I think it might be. And that's fine, but that's your supermarket stuff. Like that's a little bit cheesy. Then there's people that try and make it a little too serious, I think. And people that go to the organic, home-made. So what are you going? More artistic than that.

Really? We're a hunting company with flair, and our design will reflect that. Okay. More details on that to come. Great. So we've got. Paul and we've got Tom, you're saying?

So who do you think has the real one? I don't know. And what do you think by amicably that he wants money? That's the key we go that's amicably. So my idea was that we get them both up, put them both on hold. Right. And they tell them about the other one. Okay, great.

But then we go back and forth between them for a classic hive. Hams Hives, you know, in handle trade. So essentially we're going to have the same conversation with two people. But they don't know. I'll just say I've got something else to do. Can I just pop you on hold? Okay. So are we here with you for this one or are you just having it with Paul?

You guys can be here. Okay, great. Okay. Is there any reason? No. No, no, no. We're not going to sabotage. He just wants to know.

Paul can hear us now. Is that Paul? Oh, hoie, lad. Oh, what are you? Paul. How are you? I'm very well. I've been expecting the song call.

Oh. Wow. It's like a villain. Would you say you're more of a venom? Dr. Octavis. or Benzsen Absolutely no malicious intent on my behalf

Right Which is something that someone with malicious intent Might say at the start of a conversation To throw you off He's your friends close Enemies closer Paul I appreciate you coming to me To the King Bee

As a King Bee and when a Worker Bee comes to see The King Bee a lot of King Bee is too aloof To even take a Worker Bees call but I welcome you into the chamber. Thank you. And I thank you for bringing with you the Instagram handle, Hames Hives. So am I right in Zayn's just at Hames Hives? That's the one.

Is that, are you the one with a little cartoon, B, me on it? Yeah, correct. Yeah. No underscores. It's the legit one. The one you want. Well, it's not the legit one because you just started it and you're not me. Yeah, yeah.

But it's the one you'd want. It is the one I desire. Yeah, correct. What led you to start the Instagram account for a honey company that you don't run? Well, to be honest, I was actually showing my support. I jumped on the website and I got pulled away for whatever reason. And then I just decided later on that afternoon to jump on Instagram and went to search Hamz Hives, which obviously wasn't there, complete oversight on your behalf.

That's true. So I just quickly jump onto it and turn it into my own. Yeah. And I reward and... Oh, really? A reward. What kind of reward are you going to give? Compliments.

Oh, wow. We're already talking rewards. Well, no. I'm just... This is a reward. I'm giving compliments. I salute your busy beaunice. I salute your endeavor.

And so, well done. I'm impressed with your initiative. That's the reward. That's a compliment. There you go. Have that compliment. How does that. feel as a reward, Paul?

Oh, yeah, I think you could do better. Look, I feel like this is my golden ticket. I mean, I too want a spiral staircase. So this can be it for me. Yeah. Okay, so when you wrote, I'm happy to hand it over amicably in your email, that wasn't really true.

Was that more saying that should I be showered with riches, I will be amicable? Oh, nothing. comes for free, surely. Okay. It's out of my hands. Obviously, you're the one that wants it. Do you put a fore-hold?

Do we put a full hold? You'll have a discussion about how much... I'm going to pop you on hold for a sec. Okay, Paul. Sure. Okay. Seems like he's got the real one. Well, then what's Tom on about?

Let's talk to Tom. Tom can hear us now. Tom, are you there? Aho boy, how's it going? Yeah, Guy. Tommy, you're very good, mate. Gusto to you. And to you.

You've got the Hames Hive Instagram account. I do. I'm the proud owner. All right, all right, all right. Tom, what's the, is it like Hames Hives? Like no underscores, no other tricks, no 01 at the end of it? No, just Hames Hives. Great.

That'd be hard to get. Well, now it is, yeah. And you're the one and only. How'd you get it? Well, I heard you talking about it. I thought there's no way you'll do it, so I'll do it. Yeah, that's. pretty accurate to how it's not made out.

Yeah. And so what are you, Tom? I'm 17. And Tom, what have you put up on that Hayes-Hive's Instagram so far? Is there anything up there? Nothing really. Just a little AI picture of Hamish's face on the beat. Yeah.

What AI did you use? Just chat TVT for that one. Okay. Yeah, we're 17. He's all over it. You do mention that you would like a jar of honey in exchange. This feels like. a very Winnie the Pooh deal.

Yeah. Is that all you want, Tom? Well, I'm thinking a little bit more now. Oh, man. We've chosen like a little weasel boys, but... Why would you say, is that all you want? No one says yes after is that all you want. Is it money you're after, Tom? I was just trying to get it as to them what you might be after

and what you think might be fair. Well, I was thinking if you're doing the game show, I've given away from what Hayme bought, would happily be contestant. A contestant on the game show. Contestin is a big call. I mean, it's probably going to be ticketed. I mean, it feels like to use a bee term here,

a bit of cross-pollination between ideas, doesn't it? I don't know if I have the authority to use... Yeah, so that's the kind of thing. Team tickets to help me in my private endeavor to run a bee company. Well, we can check with a quick vote. I'm against it. That was quick.

Yeah, don't cross paths. I am for it. Just do a quick little count. Oh, what a bummer. Bad luck, Hayle. You didn't win on him. Tom. Let's put Tom on hold.

Because, Hayme, you might want to come back to him with an offer. Let's let Tom on hold. Okay, they're both on not home. What's going on? They both claim to have it. And they both claim to... They have to merge them together to have them duke it out. Well, they've both claimed to have done the little AI picture as well.

Yeah, I know. Well, one of them is just looking at the account that does already exist and claiming... What's a way... What about with one of them direct message you? What about we tell one to direct message you? Like, tell Paul to direct message you. I don't follow Hames Hives out of protest. But direct message you as a, like an emoji of your choosing.

And the other one, a different emoji. Yeah, great idea. And we'll see who comes forward with it. Yep, okay. Well, let's go back to Paul first. Paul... Yeah. Sorry to keep you waiting.

That's okay. In any kind of hostage situation and transfer, we have to have proof of life. We need to know that you are actually the owner of it. So we were hoping, and put to you, can you please send an emoji of our choosing to Hame on Instagram? Have you got, can you log in? Is that available? Yeah, yeah, I'm here right now. Yeah, great.

Well, let's just do the squid. Send him a squid. It's often underused. So I think the squid would appreciate it. If you can send him a squid, and as soon as that comes through, we'll come back to you. Okay, we'll put him up. Okay, thanks, Paul. Hey, Tom.

How are you? Yeah, very well. Just obviously with any kind of hostage transfer, we need to know an ascertain proof of life that you actually do have the account. So would you mind us direct messaging Hame on Instagram and emoji? Sure things. Just send me a pot of honey. Sure.

You like that now? That's all I would ever want in Frombue is a pot of honey. I think that's a fair price for anything. Thank you. We'll put you on hold and you can sort that out. Right. Yeah. Okay.

So now we just see which one comes through it. I love it. Is it a sweet for Paul or a honey for Tom? And what is the thing? Oh, Tom's gone. Tom's gone. Tom's hung up. Tom's hung up.

If I had to guess, I was going to guess Paul was the real owner. Yay. Well, the squid came through. So it's Paul. But there is another account. I just realized I just went to search. There's two accounts now. But one's underscore, Hames underscore Hives, which is false.

And did the squid come from Hames Hives? Squid came from Hames Hives all lowercase. All right. Paul, bring Paul back up. Paul. Paul. Yeah. Squid came through.

You check out. You check out. out as the real owner of Hames Hives or lowercase. The slogan you've gone with there is World's finest organic single origin New Zealand Alpine Honey, but then also holding it ransom for Hamish Blake. So the fact that you've used the word ransom in the bio on Instagram,

but amicably in the email to me, I feel that we have to come to a bit of an agreement here, Paul. Okay. I'm listening. Oh, hang on. Now, Tom's just a bit. We lost Tom, but he has messaged me a honey from the other account. Tom's got the other account. Tom's is an underscore. Underscore, yeah.

We knew it was an underscore. Okay. Okay. So, Paul, I want to deal with you because you know underscore. Okay. Okay. What if I gave you a bottle from the first run, our first hive we tap? So that will be a vintage bottle.

Okay. I mean, it's a start. And is it an end? Is it a tradition? All right. What if I gave me another? other jar has the end. Yeah, that's two jars.

One at the start and one at the end. One's the end. I mean, I live in New Zealand, so it's quite easy to come by here. Well, yeah, everyone can get honey, but not this honey. Very true. Will it be a collector's item by any chance? Will it ever be made, Paul? That's the other question you've got to answer here.

Will it ever be made? What about this? This is down the track, but I envisage once, production is booming to run a personal tour of some of our hive sites. What if I could guarantee you the first seat on the minibus as I do a personal tour of some of Hames Hives' alpine sites? Oh, I would enjoy that, to be fair. And those two jars of honey.

Can I ask for recommendation from Andy and Jack? I mean, I think the bus tour is probably even less likely than the honey ever being made. Yeah, I just go for straight cash if I was here. You've re-stoked my spite fire. Take the deal, Paul. I reckon tell you the deal. It's exciting. And a hat.

And a hat. Yeah. Look. And a hat, definitely. The first hat we make. I've always been a believer of this. So, yeah. Thank you.

Good man. Good, dear. Okay. Well, I'll let you guys connect. But that is, Paul. That's how you do this. Do you want to just DM me like the login details and? Yeah.

I'm not sure, I can do that. We'll let you guys discuss it. Okay, appreciate that. It sounded a little bit like you wouldn't. But no worries. And I'll get back to Tom and tell him sadly no deal. He's got the underscore, which rules him out. But I will send him a jar, but I'll send him nothing.

Yeah, I'll send him a C-s and desist. Of all the things that people submit things for, Orando. It's probably better way I say that. But guess what rolls in the most, we reckon? Extreme empaths. They just fly in. The world is full of people who, and I think it's worth celebrating,

have a lot of empathy for things that aren't human and couldn't possibly feel. And that's a beautiful thing. We need more empathy in the world. Let's do it. The opener for Extreme Empaths, of course, is all the songs in the world, so no songs feel left out. Lovely. More symbols in all the songs in the world.

world than you'd think, isn't there? I'll kick us off. It's from Jamie. Extreme Empath submission. Often it is people writing it about their partners. They notice it about their partners. Jamie's one of those. When using the microwave,

my partner likes to put items as close to the edge of the glass plate as possible. So the meal enjoys their trip around like a carousel ride, rather than just stuck in the middle getting dizzy spinning. I'm twirling like a ballerina. I do that too, but not because I want the porridge to have a great time, but my brain thinks that if it goes around the outside, it soaks up more of a variety of the waves. And if it's in the middle, it's just getting the one,

like it won't be as evenly heated. I don't know if there's any truth to that. I don't even know the direction the waves go in. They start one side and go the other. They must. I thought it was just a free-for-all in there. They're just bouncing everywhere. Yeah, that doesn't really make a lot of sense.

Because even the waves have to sort of start in one direction and go to another side. They have to, like, go through it. They're so small, no one's ever seen them. Yeah, well, they're micro. Yeah. So that's, that's, like, no, it's unanswerable. Why haven't they bought out a nanowave?

Because we've had microwaves for so long. Because remember I told you I bought a microwave now, like, that didn't, we'd buy it for, like, the office. How many watts? Oh, couldn't tear off the top of my head. But it didn't. Remember, I was like, they don't spin anymore.

They now have no spin technology. Really? Oh, really? Yeah, flat plate. Did I do you say this? No. That was about last year. I couldn't believe it.

But also, be careful when you're doing your rice, etc. I mean, this is the opposite of fast and loose. But most microwaves back in the day, 800 watts. Now you're getting them 1,400, 1400. Right. So when you get the rice cup and it says 45 seconds too much. Way too much. I can handle it.

I can handle it. You know how you've got the power button. So if you are, of 1,400 water. You meant to knock it down. And it's, and it's, and it's, and never done that before in my life. I would never, never use anything. Yeah.

I don't buy this for if I'm not running up high, high, high, high. You're just never going into the settings or like choosing. No, I think the rice says, if the rice stays. What about times you see the roast chicken on the microwave? But you're like, yeah, you're, you're dreaming, mate. Yeah. Horridge and maybe 10 seconds to thaw out some ice cream. I was cooking a chicken in you.

If it says 90 seconds at in an 800 watt microwave, you're better off powering it down to a 60 or 70% for your 90 seconds. Good luck. You're a dream come true for Canbrook and the rest of the microwave manufacturers that you would care this much about the microwave. To me, the microwave is like in ancient, like in medieval times or Lord of the Rings times, if you live near a lava, if you live there in a volcano, just go to the microwave, put something in there and just go as hot as he can.

Absolutely as hot as he can. Take it out and you just hope that it's cooked. Somehow my microwave seems to have the setting that only makes the bowl or the cup warm. Nothing inside. Whatever bowls we have at home, specifically designed to absorb all the microwaves and not let any go through to the soup or whatever. Next one.

Ando, this is actually from a James, not a Jamie. We recently had fixed drawers installed in our wardrobe. So my wife asked me to make sure I vacuum the carpet beforehand, before we install the drawers. And I replied, I didn't think it would be necessary because it's going to be covered up anyway. She said she felt sorry that the carpet was being covered by the drawers, would never see daylight again,

and insisted it should be clean with one last kind gesture before that happened. True. Going away for life. Might as well go with a clean-shaven haircut. From Joe. Extreme Empath moment. I was doing some baking using my kitchen aide stand mixer. Must be nice.

She writes. That's nice. They are good, though. I lifted up the mix. Not trying to wheezel one. Got one. Don't send one in because Jack will intercept it. Do not send one in.

Yeah, very good for cakes. I lifted up the mixer head to remove the bowl and clean it. A day or two later, when I went to put the bowl back, I realized I'd left the mixer head tilted up. Couldn't help I think how sore its neck must have been. It's heavy. It is heavy. All time, I made sure I lowered it softly and gave it a rub on the balcony.

Nothing more than feelings. From Elizabeth, I think there's a bit of us that could all identify with this. Reaching out as an extreme empath, I have an old hotmail account for when I was a kid that I can no longer access. But anytime you have to enter an email address to sign up for a public Wi-Fi or something, you don't really want to receive emails from them, I use my old hotmail address. I always feel terrible that the hotmail account never gets looked at. and yet it's being tortured with the worst spam in the world,

languishing in the dark rather than receiving any nice, meaningful, personal emails. It would be so many of those. Just a full slot bucket you're never going into. You never go in there. Brody, ahoy boys, my wife is a fellow empath. We recently childproofed our kitchen with a child locks on all the reachable cabinets.

My wife feels bad for the once, free cabinets and their contents that every few nights, once our daughter goes to sleep, she unlocks all the cabinets to let them feel free again. Swing freely, my beauties. It's not your fault. We had a baby. There was nothing wrong with you as the doors. You're good.

Jack, this might ring true to you. And Ando, this will ring true to you very shortly. But as a husband, right, you're a husband to be. You're on the cusp of husbandhood. Yep, can't wait to join you guys. Finally accepted into the group. Yeah, well, we need you to grow a beard and then you'll be full, you'll be part of two alliances at once.

Sometimes I say to Zoe, like, you know, I'm generally not unusual, but I do a bit of apologising, a little bit of mending, do a little bit of explaining, you know, there's a fair bit, a fair bit of that goes on in a relationship, a little bit of like, yep, no, probably could have done that. Yep, now that you mention it, Should have reread the list at the shops, but you always get a few extra items from me. You will miss one of the critical items.

That's it. We know that about me, and that's the exciting part about me doing the shopping. Yes. So there's a fair bit of that. But then the other day I just sometimes said, hey, but just so you know, if there was a husband's show, like a kind of a dog show, like the Best in Show, Crofts Award, it's like, you would get a blue ribbon. Yeah.

I am a blue ribbon husband. Yeah. I would have a big. I would agree. number one on my chest. I was like, mate, I know we spend a lot of time thinking about how I could perform better, but I think it's worth sitting back and just going,

if there was a husband show where wives came, and I don't think we have to be on leashes, but I think that's probably just going a little bit too far, but if they walk us around the ring like they do in the dog show, and then they kind of read a list of the achievements over, I would get a blue ribbon. Yeah, you would. Do you think you'd get a blue ribbon, yeah?

And I think the probably is, I don't think you're getting a blue ribbon. What's home doing that I'm not doing? Well, at one point, didn't you go and live in a different house because you were too tired to do the breakfast radio show? No, that was like, there was a few times. That's not blue ribbon stuff. I mean, overall, if you average it out,

I think over the year, I would be best in class. Really? What's your class? What's your game? Like, Because there are dog breeds. They're like, you know, these are the poodles. Yes.

Oh, whatever is like keeping up good vibes around the house. Don't confuse that. That's one of your tricks, though. That's one of your tricks. What's your class of husband? Like unemployed one child? Like, what is the class? Devoted, definitely.

Yeah, that's true. But that's more of a trick that we do. It's more of one of the attributes we have. Because it would be like under 40s, like 35 to 40, 1 child. that's the class of husband you are. So more like my stats. Yeah. I suppose can I jump in?

Yeah. Because I agree. I think you both. Blue ribbons. Yeah. Because there's other friends of mine who just go out and don't go home. I'm always home. Bad dog.

That's a runaway dog. And I go, what's all that about? They're like, they're like, the response is sometimes she's used to it. And you're like, Wow, so how did you find yourself in that category? That's our dogs must feel if they ever go to the zoo. Can you take a dog to the zoo? I don't think so.

I don't think you meant to let a dog see those animals because then dog would be like, hang on a sec, I want to lead. I have to do all this sitting and so I have to be so obedient. And then how come the lions are just trying to run around, they do what they want? And then the zoo keep was like, well, they can't be tamed. Did you try? Did you try? Because I used to be a wild animal as well and I got tamed. Friends of mine that pretended they had to be at work during COVID

just to not have to be at home with kids and would go in there and just sit and play games. You know sometimes I'm a little, I'm not, I never lie about going to painting club. But I sometimes aren't fully forthcoming. They're probably one of the black marks against my name if my week was audited. And it's like, hang on a sec, you've been painting.

You've been painting during the day. And did you come home and change your shirt and put just a t-shirt on so I wouldn't see your painting clothes? That would be a black mark against me at the husband show if that came out. But the other night, I mean, this is a little while ago, but Zoe, like, if So's watching, you know, one of her shows that she's just watching by herself, like an Emily in Paris. Yeah. Springs to mind. Yeah. I will, if she wasn't expecting me on the couch, but then suddenly I am ready for couch time and she's already watching one of these shows, I will, I'll, I'll,

sit through it and I won't make silly comments and I won't question because she makes it very clear like something like Emily in Paris like, we're not watching it because it's great television, we just like watching it for like just various girl reasons and I'll go, okay well I don't understand it. Maybe it's a terrible show.

So you think that that's a blue ribbon I wouldn't lead with that as your number one trick though? Well I'm just one, that's just shows a considerate and also like wardrobe adjustments. I'm very open to wardrobe adjustments. So it's like we don't wear that anymore, wear this, don't wear that.

And I just go, all right, yep, dress me as you will. And I'm like, this is I'm a blue ribbon husband for this. I'm not fighting back, I'm not biting your hand, I'm not yapping, I allow myself to be groomed. Another one that I think that, I mean, now that we're just bragging about how we're good to our partners, the pace I walk for her. Slow it down. Get ready to have children, mate, because you'll slow that pace right down.

Really? That's a slow pace you move right now. I think kid pace is the best pace because then you're actually looking at a leaf sometimes for a minute. Yeah. And you're like, oh, that's beautiful. That's a great part about having kids because then you see the world through their eyes.

The middle ground is the hardest pace. We all like walking fast. We have much longer legs than our wives. That's our preferred pace. Yeah. Love walking fast. Yeah, slowing down halfway between kid pace and adult pace. That's the most boring pace, isn't it?

If anyone needed those roller shoes you got, it would have been back for me. Like, I would have just, because I feel like I'm always going at about 50% of the pace that I'd like to go at, and she's telling me I'm going to do fast. And I can't sit there and explain to her how many minutes I'm losing for this pace over the stage of my life.

This is good dog behaviour, because it's, that's like when you see a greyhound being walked by a family. And you go, wow. What you're capable of. I know. It's like watching a Ferrari in a school zone. You're like, give it a track day. You're going to see some incredible stuff from that thing.

Blue ribbon, blue ribbon, blue ribbon. Blue ribbon. Well done, everyone. Thank you. Callie has gone and tapped Darcy on the shoulder, which he means he knows what's coming. He's wandered around the corner. And, yes, it's time to put him under the microscope.

You're under the microscope right now. A powerful microscope. We're all going to be under a microscope. You know what? I think maybe it's time you put. Darcy. the microscope. Here we go.

The man with the ability to sniff has his scissors gaffer tape together for this for one segment only. The crocodile has his mouth roped shut. Or he will not be able to snip nor edit this segment and he must face the music. I can. He can and add.

He has a pocket knife that has small scissors on it. Oh, Das, this is where unfortunately Andy, through privileged information because Andy's wife, sorry, Andy's wife is in the future, but Darcy's wife, does his wife, works with Andy. Yes, Jane sits next to me at work,

and she gave me up. She's point out for the animation. It makes it sound like you have, you're an accountant. You go to an office job after this. She works for the animation company that makes, you know, do not watch this show, rather than,

she sits next to me at work. I'm a junior account executive. I forget my boss. Now, is there anything you'd like to declare before I bring it up? No, I have absolutely no idea what this is. He's getting better at it. Sometimes we get a free one. She gave me something that just, I was flabbergasted.

More than Darcy putting the, what was the last one where the robot vacuumed up the dogs poo and then you tried to wash the robot, the vacuum cleaner in the dishwasher? Yeah, yep, that also happens. Yeah, that hasn't happened since. That funnily is say that actually, because I was, I didn't realize how closely connected this one is. Jane, I was sitting next to Jane yesterday in the office. She turns me and goes, oh,

she just received a text message from you. She goes, oh. And I'm like what? She goes, Dasty has stepped in dog poo three times this week. Oh, yeah, that has happened. What, how? Am I texting her? Because the first time,

the first time it happened and I was like, oh my God, this, this sucks. I haven't stepped in dog poo for like 10 years. It's something you do when you're 10 years old. Well, I mean, they're out there and you get them. They're out there, but you get better at identifying them, avoiding them. So, like, I've had unlucky ones. I mean, when's the last time you stepped in a dog poo here? We have a very, very small, you wouldn't even call it a nature strip.

It's a nature wedge. And it's, all the leaves are falling down at the moment. And I said, hey, this will be fun. Let's scrape. There's sort of a tree between our neighbour. announce. And I was like, let's scrape all the leaves together. Throw on.

Someone's, judging by the, if I may, girth of the turd. Someone's small dog had secretly or otherwise done one in the leaves. And I unfortunately, I hit that landmine. No, as I was standing sweeping. And then I moved my foot to sweep those leaves up.

And I went, well, this is what's happened. Now, well, it's been to doubt. They didn't know that the dog had run and done that, I think you would know. And I think they've gone, oh, well, it's under leaves. It's all going to compost. Yep. So that was the second one for me, Hame.

Now that it's like all the leaves are falling off the trees and they're all on the ground. Yeah, they're camouflage. Olly, our dogs, over in the distance, he's taking a poo. So I'll walk over there and it's just completely camouflaged. Oh, you can't find it. And I was just, I was stepping around like I'd lost something on the ground and then immediately she stepped in Ollies. Yeah, stepped in Ollies.

That was the second one. That was the second one. What's the first one? Can I just ask, Dats? You sometimes wear R.M. Williams boots. Yeah. They're a gift from a former boss. They're actually his personal boots, weren't they?

Wait, what's that? Can I know that story? That was from Tottas. Tottes. I think he bought some RM boobs that didn't fit him and gave them to DAS. Or did he give you fresh RM? This is not making it. No, no, they had been worn.

This has to be made. They had been worn. Toddors. This is sniv. No way. You don't like to snip this segment. It's a sniff-free zone. The reason I'm asking is an RM has a flat-ish sold depending on the boot.

So not a lot of tread. Were you in those or are you in a tread-heavy sneaker? Tread-heavy. Oh, you don't. Tread-heavy with fresh. One of them, yeah, this was... Todders will be relieved to know that if your boots haven't been turdarded. Exactly.

And really, it was a powerful... As he listens to this spot right now, he's like, powerful gesture from Tottisigo, you know, I could ask you to metaphorically walk a mile in my boots. I've got a better idea. And then the first poo was, you know this Ando, like when you're taking your dog for a walk and Jack at night, and they do a poo and you have to get the torch out on your phone sometimes

to be able to find it. And I found his, but on my way to his. Found another. And judging by the girth of this turd, large, large, large. How do people leave them? I get so angry. So then how's, I mean, so two in a week's, that's unlucky. So then when the third one, that's enough to text your wife.

And then I was grabbing coffee with Marshie like two days ago. Yeah. Yeah. And just this one was a, this was as a kid, you just, it's sitting in the middle of the pavement. and I just stepped in it. And I was like, what the hell is going on? I'm getting, I mean, you're part of the hit you show, Tert Patrol, where we drive around in front of you and deposit turds trying to get you.

Because I've scored three points this week because I picked you as my target. But my question to you is, sorry, Das, did you text for each individual to it? Or was through the threshold where you're like, now I must share this with my wife? After this, when I stepped in at the second time, that's when I was like, oh my God, I've stepped in it twice. So I did text her at that point. Now we've got a trend. Yeah, and then the third one was like, what is gay.

Okay. That's almost a video call it that. Yeah. This is a, like an accompanying photo or like this is, this is. No, I don't. But same shoes. All different shoes. Oh, no.

All different shoes. Was it? Was it? What does? Because you do wear those at work. Was the mastery one with Todd's boots? I remember as a kid in high school taking the bus to school and I stepped in dog poo just before I got on the bus.

And it was one of those so embarrassing situations. The audit happens. Everyone's screaming who's got dog poo. And it was the classic like look at the aisle and there were just poo treads all the way out to my seat. And then you just check and it's all over the bottom of your shoe. Changing schools material. What school did you go to after that?

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