Hamish & Andy - Hamish & Andy 2019 Ep 72

Episode Date: October 2, 2019

1. Chicken Fest – a slight deviation 2. Medieval organisation 3. He was born to type 4. Dim sim clarification 5. The GI60S tapes 

A list-snap production. Activate your internet. Because the Hamish and the podcast starts in three, two. Sorry, still buffering. One. A hoi to the fellow on my right. A hoi. A hoi to the fellow on my right. Ahoi to the fellow on my left. Ahoi! Did a way you went off. I tried to stand on the left.

They're like people speak as well. That worked. That worked. That worked. That was clever. That was a late mic technique from Jack. He's good, isn't he? He's really good. And ahoi to all, look, happy we're back. There's been some things we're gonna get to before that, though. John's from Norway has a- A traditional celebrating of someone who has managed

to navigate an absolute nightmare of pop-up menus and attach an audio file. Very simple on the website. John's told us, what is up to today? Hello, hey, I'm Mr. Andy and inject. This is John Eric from Norway calling. The guy who didn't answer the phone even though he said he always picked up the phone. I'm sorry about that. Right now I'm on a beach in Greece on holiday, not too far away from Hey Misha, who I saw was on a boat in Italy.

And I'm feeling quite light-headed, so I think being Norwegian I might have a little bit of heat stroke because I'm not really used to any sun. So enjoying the podcast, keep up the good work, goodbye. I, I mean, a couple of things struck me there. It's an oldie. Yeah, because he's, I mean, there's so many to get through. Well, it's so many. That's in the idea of how long it takes you to load a fly one.

I was on a boat in Greece in July and it's taken him that long to attach it. He also does think he's calling. So he yearns for WhatsApp, but he's obviously recording on his phone because he's like, it's not going to be on the phone, do you? Bye-bye. Well, the thing is, he was the guy that said he always answered his phone. We did use him back in the podcast to say he had changed. that said he always answers phone, we did use him back in the podcast to see he had a chance last year, it was a last chance to win a coin,

didn't pick up. It's tough for him though. I don't know he stayed with us though, after that heartbreak. Speaking of despair and a... Yes, and we've got to, let's just tackle this head on. Let's get down to it. Yep, I just presented you with some answers. Yeah, you didn't like them.

We presented with some numbers. You send resistant when I dug into you with some answers. Yeah, you didn't like them. We presented with some numbers. You send resistant when I dug into them a little more. We're of course talking about chicken, our chicken, our black tiger chicken event to celebrate the best of the one-off chicken stores across Australia. Now do you want the chicken dance music? It doesn't feel like the title.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Good, good, cool, Jack. Is there some sort of serious orchestral version of a more like a high mouse, jaken for a new type version of the chicken. Would there ever, you know the Wallace and Grimm? Can someone say I'm one in type animation movie, Chicken Run, zero ever as art house darker version of that?

Use that music. I don't know the film if there is one. Yeah, and it won't be a system which is notorious. So bad at returning search results. I was doing this to you. Well, let's start with the maths to the people because let's start from Zoomed out perspective here. What do we want to do?

We want to celebrate one of chicken shops. We want to reward the owners of the top 10 or so in Australia by bringing them together in an area where people can sample the fears of the best one-off chicken shops and whilst doing that they can enjoy the music of peaking chook a renamed peaking. We haven't confirmed them either mate. That's all that this is supposed to be could play them off Spotify. And there's nothing they can do about that. play them off Spotify. We said they could, and there's nothing they can do about that. So people could go and enjoy the music.

At the moment, what we're looking at too, because what we're doing is we're taking a restaurant away from its home ground. We're putting ten of them together at a place at a venue and inviting people to come along. And that's carrying with it, I'm finding out now some cost. We've done, say the cost. So $115,000 at the moment. Which doesn't include chickens.

No. As in it, we're saying we're working off roughly a thousand person capacity. A thousand to 2,000 people. That's not saying $115 a ticket to come and see in a valedrome. No matter how much they're looking, we're looking at a valedrome. No matter how much they- At the moment we are looking at the play-off Spotify. Looking at a valedrome is the venue, because it's got sloped walls,

which we will grease with chicken grease, which stops people running away once they realize they've been overcharged for a ticket. They run out the side of the slip back down. And we keep them at the cons of it. We could charge people per minute there there. I suppose you could charge people with two bucks a minute.

You give, now that's as if it's gonna cost us more because we'll have to get wristbands or monitors and just, while you're in here, it's $2 a minute while you're on site. Now you don't have to stay, but it's linked to your credit card. And then we deliberately choke off the chickens You don't have to stay, but it's linked to your credit card. And then we deliberately choke off the chickens and boil it. Like, okay.

Yeah, long cheese. You say we grease up the meladrome to remove escape routes. And that way you've got a good thousand or so people who are trapped in squirming and angry, but wrap it up. thousand or so people are trapped in squirming and and angry but Bracken up the broken even but rackin up those minutes. Yeah, all we have to do is keep them in there for a hundred minutes Yeah, and at a dollar a minute we would have paid with a thousand people we would have made it back But then you say you take a 15 grand loss

But then you sort of say to yourself was it worth grand lost. But then you sort of say to yourself was it worth it? Because you'd have taken a thousand of the best best people that was into this show and trapped them and greased them up. And in a proper review we get to the bottom of whether that is worth it. But you haven't even given out the award. No. So, anyway, I said to you, hey, we're looking at a loss and that's okay. Anyway, what would you really pay? So we did get peaking chalk.

I haven't even asked them. So you got peaking chalk there. They go, you're $5 to $50, so I can use fear to go and see. And that's not including an amazing award. And then you've got a pick which chicken chop you want to go to. Yeah. Line up by your chicken and chips, by your

makes alcohol. Meet good people, share a laugh. We haven't asked any listeners that we haven't run this past people. That seems like a fair price. But again, we're consumers ourselves. We go to events like this. That seems the high-ish.

Yeah. And that also means we make a 60 grand loss. Mm. Yeah. Yeah. So even with us going, oh, that'd be fine. We're still making a 60 grand. So in the hole, a deep hole.

Yeah, money. Yeah. All right. And that's fine. And not my, the money's not my, the money's not my region. What I'm looking at doing here is this going. You don't have a solution. You said, let's talk about it because I've got to say.

I said, OK. When you're pitch, you don't have a solution. You said let's talk about it because I've got to say. I said okay. When you're pitch, you know, off air just a couple of moments, you're throwing all these numbers going, we're looking at 60 grand loss here, 80 grand loss. And that's, this is like, we're doing it bare, but we're bare bouncing it. I guess it just costs a lot of money to put on events and this is not a normal event.

And we don't want to sponsor it. We want to keep this real. It turns out that by keeping it real, you know, you then are just real, you're taking a giant heater, you're reloading the costs under the people that wouldn't be happy to look at a sign that said Mastercard, don't think that's a joke.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Some reason. So I think what we could review the sponsorship model, but we could make it non-spoiler. It's gonna be a non-categories sponsor. I would have to be a mastercard. Oh, Google, you know. Yeah, right.

Really, so huge company. Huge company. Huge company. Oh, a big company. Absolutely, love it. Please hit us up at the contact form in the website. Big four banks, one of the big four, one of the small five. Mining, prefer not to have the fossil fuel industry.

Sontrangate, that's personal choice. I wouldn't let that sink the festival, but. Oh, you're persistent. You're persistent. You're probably don't want the adanemine sponsoring it. I don't think we can just snoop that low, mate. There is another option. The pop it into my head is we're discussing it.

And I thought, okay, I may just quite pitch this live, maybe it'll fly, maybe it won't. But if we are looking at something, if we're looking at a miracle with Google stumping up half a meal, tie a little profit. It's a tidy little profit there. Keep that on the table.

Yeah. Not, yes, definitely interesting. That'd become commentary chicken around if we could get that. Assuming that's not going to happen, what are we really doing this for? We were doing this to commemorate one off chicken shop, weren't we? We were doing this to go, let's get out there in Black Tye and give the award to the best, the best of the best. Are we trying to bring the mountain to Muhammad? Should we take Muhammad to the mountain? So we go, we pick our favorite store, we announce it, we get dressed in black tie and if you want to come and meet us for a dinner, for a delicious chicken

dinner, we will meet you at the winning store. Right. To hand over the trophy, maybe five come, maybe 500 come. Yep. Give us a heads up if you come. And we do the event at the very place where the event should be, which is the winning shop. Yep.

Conversely, do we make chicken fest a globally networked and synchronized black tie event where you pick your favorite store, you pick your winning store, we'll pick our winning store, but if you have a favorite, we all get dressed up in black tie and Australia wide, the listeners of the people's podcast. We go to our favorite chicken shop on that Saturday night. We storm the stores of Australia in black tie. Go to our favorite store. We go to our favorite chicken shop on that Saturday night. We storm the stores of Australia in black tie. They probably wonder what's going on. But we hand out the golden whole lot of chickens award

to our favorite who we have chosen. But if you would also like to make an award and take it to your local chicken shop, you can do that too. And we create a global movement. That's black tie wearing, chicken shop dining, customers across Australia. From a numbers perspective, you make far less of a loss.

I do. We'll shout our store. You come to our store, we'll pay for that. Wow, that's a loss. Yeah, but I mean, it's not as bad as an $80,000 loss truth. That's true. That's something for the listeners. Yeah.

We can dig in the budget. Is anyone ever put a tab on the chicken shop? First. We're gonna put a tab on the bar. Tab on the counter. Put a tab on the chicken shop. That's a great idea. Put a tab on the...

Yeah, okay. I do like this because it was really giving me a lot of headache. You're trying to work out with Sarah how to look at Sarah thumbs up loves the ideas happy with that um we still do have we've got the double-beautiful let's bring them let's ask the boys anyway okay we'll ask them they might come and play quietly in the corner yeah uh quietly but like you know at a at a chicken shop level so let's Yeah, I'm not quite a little bit like you know at a at a chicken shop level. So let's

Here's another pledge. Yeah, so Let's next week announce what day it's going to be or what model we've chosen. Yeah, because we've got three models at the moment The giant almost impossible festival model. Yep, but that could be saved by a Google Yep, Google. So let's give them a week to get back if those give any big corpse corporations a week to get back to five business days. We've got the one minute dollar a minute model. That's what I forgot about that where you get a free stand in the dollar room and you cross the boundary you're on the clock. It's up to you to have fun and enjoy yourself. Get it while you get. But you've got to get your food and then you will know full well behind the scenes. We've choked off the supply of food and beverages and access to toilets and things like that

to keep you on the grounds for longer because we need you there for 115 minutes. And we've got to go stop the escape ramps. So there's that. And then there is the Australia wide black tie, a whole lot of chickens, multi-venu. A multi-venu awards night and celebration of one-off chicken shops. Means a black tie event. Back to a formal event. Think about you get doled up, go out to your five chicken shop. Yep. It'd be an amazing night. People overseas can enjoy it. They might be having chicken in the morning. You're right. Think we have a coordinated time which works on a lot of multiple times zones so we can all share. Yeah. And then you create, then there's, then people

be filming it, get a gallery going, get a global movement going. Yeah. Probably not as big as the climate, while I was talking about fossil fuels, the climate strikes. No. Doesn't have to be. No. So it's as big as an issue. It's talking about fossil was the climate strikes. No, it doesn't have to be no So it's a big issue is the second biggest issue in the world exactly who's the best chicken shop and how are you gonna celebrate? I It's out of two or option two or three for me. So the yeah the dollar a minute. Yeah Then the Australia wide global or sorry the global multi multi-venu, black-tie, chicken and chock-knit. Celebration night. Yep. Okay.

We'll make the decision by next week. Yep, that's another pledge. BELL RINGS MUSIC Hey, in a few weeks back now, I had a plane golf in Scotland. I love it, yes. And was driving down to England.

Through all the hills where they would have battled. That is a bit strange, isn't it? You go into these countries and there's proper battles. You go past castles, like, yes, someone would have tried to storm that. 100%. And we got a bit of boiling oil in that face. I don't think there would be a castle built that didn't have someone had one crack at it. And word would spread, oh, you can't crack this one.

Crack it. Or if you could, if you could word would spread too and then, you know, yeah, and the castle's probably not there anymore, it was too crackable. Exactly. So then you go through, so castles are like, okay, I get that something's gone down there. Yeah. Because that happened. But then there's lots of rolling hills, the top of England, where they apparently there were battles you see, so I said battle for these and that. Yeah. How did they know where to meet it was all organized? Those I don't know they were like coming meet on like you know, Brian's hill

So they're like it basically like a very from what I understand in many of the times was like a genuinely version of Let's take this outside right so it wasn't yes Of course as you're walking out to the car park you and kick kick the guy in the knees, and police T-shirt over his head and down there. Even like... But it wasn't like, we're not getting... Out of the front or out the back. Like, let's say, as I would say, like, we're gonna have it on Friars Hill.

And then, like, you wear north side, your south side, we'll kick off about nine. Because it was so hilly that I was thinking, surely there was moments where people were going, is this Friars Hill? Like, I'm pretty sure. And there's like, a couple of thousand soldiers that are pretty cold and feel heavy.

I'm sure there would have been, and maybe historian can write him in correctness, but I'm sure there would have been for each side some sort of operations manager who would inspect the battleground beforehand and go like, we're not playing on this. Or yeah, there's, like, you haven't re-sotted the surface. So they braveheart, for instance, they were, they went early

and they poured oil all the way through the field and then they shot fire at it. And that is true. Well, that's what they were saying. So if it meant to be gender-minely, well, I mean, I think I made it the field. We're like, all right, but you've chosen, gotta remember that.

Actually, we'll choose our own field. Well, like, even American Civil War, we'll just line up and shot at each other. And it was then someone, someone, somewhere said, well, what about hot, can we do, go behind a wall? I don't want to be a lost ballerad, but I think I would prefer to shoot from behind a wall.

Can a historian tell me whether two armies sat in, at wrong mountains, like in a little valley going, where it was meant to be here? I bet you there would be many battles where people turn up to the wrong spot Many many because a lot of people are a little bit too. So how are you going to read the invite? And it's not even an invite is it meant to be sternly worded be more like a fine from accounts They're normally they send a minstrel or something to Gamers drones has taught us anything. It's a it'd be a you know

It's these you just send some of their head cut off on a horse. Yeah. And it would be stabbed into their back, meet me at Fry's Hill. Bring your army. It's gonna be an army showdown. Like a war or more of a battle. I think I have they spilt Fry's Hill because I've had two of them.

Yeah. Is it Irish spelling or the English language? God, I don't know. Send an intro. The Game of Thrones Hey, and this whole thing got flipped on its head this morning. Absolutely. Shambolic down here at the Pneumus and Eddie headquarters. You think you're coming in to do something.

Yeah. And then, oh, suddenly, it's like an air traffic controller. Yeah. Oh, actually, hopefully everything goes to plan for them. Hopefully everything goes to plan for them. But you've got to wear the... Yeah, I don't like weather. Jordan, just in our studio in Sydney is Jake.

Jake, how are you? Hello boys, happy birthday Andy. No need, Jake. I'm going to hoi back to you. Thank you for lighting our logo. Jake, bring everyone up to speed. We talked to you last week. You say that you can type at 120 plus words per minute.

Yep. Fast, the 99% of the population, you don't need order correct. You don't even have to look at the keys. We talked about blogging. The Chuckling, that's how it's fun. Exactly. That was going to be the test today to see whether you could earn yourself a coin.

Now, obviously, Jake, when talent like this approaches the show, there's a bunch of chat amongst the gang here, pre-show, how's he gonna be? You reckon he's got more fingers than normal? All the usual questions. All the usual questions. There's some buzz amongst the team. The teams go to spring in this step.

And that's, I would say, I mean, Jack, you'd say that was the vibe wasn't it? It'd be fine,, yeah, like that. Chatting and stuff. Pretty sweet and I said, we wielding extra water coolers, so we could all move around the room and gossip around them and just start getting our vibe up. I'm glad there was some hype. Huge amount of hype.

There was one man on the team who shunned the hype. Oh, and that's why this whole thing's been turned on its head. He turned us in, I could do that. Yeah, he goes just, he goes, FYI, I can bang out 120 WPS, but WPM is easy. Easy. Who's this challenger?

Radio Mike, like he's named. Radio Mike, such podcast Mike. He works with us here. He's a member of Jack's band as well. So Jack, you could see this sort of Jack going, dude, what are you doing? Shut up. Yeah, man. This is, like, you know see Jack going, dude, what are you doing? Shut up. This is, like, you know, we're meant to be unified front.

We're all, like, we're the play, we're all enjoying the buzz. But Mike Stepdough and he said, I'm not impressed. And so what it's actually turned into here, Jake, is I guess like the end of Avengers Endgame haven't seen it, but I understand that at the end of there's a game. They also get in time. It's the what the Iron Man are on the same team. Yeah man that's the twist business for those that haven't seen it which includes me. We've now got two Titans of the universe of the typing universe come on your head ahead Mike's coming in yeah Mike you're

Mike. Mike. Hello thank you for having me. It's a in. Yeah, Mike is. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, Mike. Hello, thank you for having me. It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure. I'll see you job. Uh. Um, Mike, the rules are pretty simple, guys.

The way we're going to run it is, Hamish is going to read out a paragraph. A paragraph? Yep. We've taken an excerpt from how to fix a septic tank so I hope neither of you guys have been reading that Google entry closely and you'd be cheating not recently no but can I say I did ducks I T at high school at high school you said I school so I was doing this since I was

five mate so I've been doing this since I was five mate. I've been doing it since I was four. That's well, you're quite young guys. I reckon we're talking about two or three years. What's the greatest since we are in this bit of a fun UFC press conference here? What is the best example, are you can think of Jake where you've typed something so well, it's just

shocked on lockers. Well, I guess it culminated in higher school where, similarly to what we're doing today, a year, ten maths teacher. Name him. Oh, her. Miss Ho, she also happened to type fast and all the students in our class that I thought, yeah, we better put you guys up against each other. So, got off to a flyer,

I was matching girls, I was really, you know, backing up my talk. What was the sample text you were typing? Oh, this is, so it's the website 10 first fingers. Okay, yeah. You just get random words, you've got to basically type it all out as you go. Because, you know, neck and neck, about 30 seconds, and then I just, you know, kept going, saw the end and put a computer lag, things glitched, I choked it, not my greatest moment, but ever since then it's been a revenge tour of such to get my speed up so that no one can match me typing and yeah, I guess that's why I was so competitive about it now. So was that moment against Miss Hovert's bird you want?

Correct, yes, since then in every high school and uni class, I'm just there trying to dictate and type notes faster and be done before everyone knows. It's a great origin story, isn't it? Mark, do you have a Miss Hove in your life? No, there was one moment before I worked on this show where I worked at a liquor store and a guy came up to me and said, do you sell this product?

I typed it into the system and he looked to be and said, wow, you typed so fast, I want you to come and work for me to type things up. I'm not talking. Now obviously, the job never came to fruition. It did happen. That is a true story. It's just a type of thing.

Where did the guy work for you? I think he did an architecture fair. Yeah, he just wanted me a type copy for it. He's just a kind of guy that he's like, look, I have an absolute bullet train of thought. So you've been a trying keep up because one day I might be I might be interested in buying Jim Bean the next day. I could be in a bread shop and I might be looking for a puppy seed loaf

and whatever I'm thinking of I want you to type it up. He's asked for a six pack of BB. You didn't work me. See, I ate. LAUGHTER All right, well, it's a fantastic, it's a fantastic. So we've got one man with a huge shake coming off. Uh, you know, a cool back.

A cool setback. And that's Spursy, man. Mike, just genetically blessed with the fastest fingers on a huge endorsement. LAUGHTER Whatever, that's an and a huge endorsement. I would have a one-up for that named architect. I had a look from Dan Murphy's to the depth of AGO. Well, this is great. So the way it's going to work is,

how do you mean she's going to read out this paragraph? Yeah. Is that an appropriate method, guys? Yeah, yeah. See, see. When you have finished inappropriate method, guys, yeah, yeah, see it. When you have finished individually, you can yell stop so I can record both times, they'll will then keep an eye on you and you have to press send immediately from the email. The email will be sent to Jack and that's when the podcast will stop down. Hey, Michelle, walk around the desk with Jack. Like examinerers, I suppose, in the year 12.

And we'll examine it for mistakes. Yep, for the typos. If you have one mistake, you phone. Two mistakes, you're out. No worries, okay. Mike, I mean, you seem shocked at that, but I mean, if you really were gonna go and work for this guy typing things up,

I assume he would have expected a level of accuracy. I can edit the mistakes on the go. I think that's fine. Mike, if you want a handicap, that's fine. I don't need a handicap. Do you need one? No, I suppose. I just need a nice one.

So I got to say both, Mike, and I love you, but he got you on that. A good response to a burn is not, no thanks, you are mad. A good response to a burn is not no thanks. You are. Both, can you please turn off your auto correct? Yep, I mean this is this laptop from 2009 so I don't think it even has it. Yep, you're turning yours off as well. Correct spelling automatically, I will uncheck that. Yes, thank you. You're unchecked. And you've done that as well. Jake, you're incorrect. Let's

far off the opener and then we'll get into the battle. is the thing he loves But it comes radio Mike Suggesting Jake his shit Now there's a feud between the two so let's settle it They're both born to tie Wow, okay There's no feud between us. Oh, it's pretty feoty before we see it. This is kind of McGregor and Kadir. Very fiery in it.

I mean, there was that time where Jake threw the tie-prote through your bus with window half-view or leaving a typing tournament. Okay, both hands at the ready. Okay, Hamish will now read the words. Do we say how many words we've got here? That's 62 words. Yeah, that's not now read the words. Do we say how many words we've got here? Is that all right? 62 words. Yeah, that's not giving you anything away.

We've got 62 words. I will now read them. Are we ready? Is everyone ready? Ready. Yeah. The clock will start as soon as Hamish said his first word. Remember to say done at the end. The next things you hear out of my mouth was I finished this sentence. We hope the beginning of the paragraph about the septic tank. Here we go. When you flush the toilet, it's easy to disregard the path the water will take once it enters your drainage system. However, if you have a septic tank, it's important you ensure everything is working properly at all times. Sceptic systems are complicated, especially to the untrained eye. When there is a problem, it's not always obvious where it's originating from.

Done. He's so far behind. I'm just making up words now. I said, that's a shocker. Okay, okay, okay. This is where we stuck down and we go across. This is not my... Jake, this is a method of typing. This is Ms. Hoel again. This is the turn of Ms. Hoel.

Oh, Mike, I'm out of her, gee. Yeah. Um, uh-oh. Your... I'm just gonna say straight out. That was a very terrible effort and I'm not proud. Okay, that's right. But we'll meet back here in a moment's time and see you soon, Mark. I feel great after that.

Can I ring the bell? No, no, because we're not ringing a bell. We're not ringing the bell. No, the team is at the end of the scene. When we're pausing, it doesn't disrupt our listeners' days. We'll come back in a second. We'll come back in a second. Okay, we're back. We've examined both submissions. Well, I should say we haven't. During that time, Jack was going over the

scores. Jake was feeling bad about himself. Mark was gloating. I think that's a fair assessment. Mark was saying, we should actually mark you out. We should do this every week. And I think I'd speak for everyone listening to this episode of The Podcast, when we say, please, no, there's so much of this show has been taking up with speed typing, which is a visual element anyway. He's what Andrew and I realized. I mean, I went fast, then I tried to go a little slower. What we're actually testing is court stenography,

which isn't really touch typing, I suppose, to the true sense of the word. Jake, you mentioned that website 10 Fast Fingers. Mike, you've been on it all morning. I was doing it at Dan Murphy's back in the day. Okay, so, like, good news for all of us that aren't in the speed typing world. There is a website that tests you fairly. Kind of a curve-twenty-nine, this whole rigmarole of this, this inventing of

phrase and then marking it, adding a point, but two mistakes, you're out of whatever. Wouldn't it just be easier if we sent you guys to the website that already exists to test this and that would be the definitive answer? Because you guys would probably want to do that anyway. Yeah, I think happy to do that. Now that we're so deep in the with Jack. Let's not look at lifeline in the bow. I'll trap to the bottom of the well. Don't have a go at the brand of rescue cord. No, so Mike, I know this is my same unfair because you beat Jake by 20 seconds and you did on the most part get the whole thing right.

But we feel like rather than a stenographer, rather than actually taking down a dictation. Would it make more sense for you guys to just do that website test? It's in one minute, isn't it? Yes, it's just one minute. Okay. So it's literally words per minute. It's words per minute. And it gives you a score so we can just throw the head to head.

But accuracy, it tells you many words you got wrong, doesn't it? Yeah. So do we take those words wrong off the tally? It it calculates accuracy so it gives you a score based on keystrokes wrong and right and then outputs that So deep in this rabbit hole, okay, so can we just get so we go I think you guys just guys do it We'll look at the data and The We've got it for an hour? It was like an hour. Okay, hey Mike, you big sheep.

Can you please refresh the page? Because you're already looking at it and you've already got 10 words in front of you. So can you refresh yours and just start? Sure thing. We've got someone in there with Jake. Yep, and off you go Jake. And now off you go Mike.

We might have just cut this bit out with music. Cause this is just being been just too long. Oh. Oh. Have you finished Jake? We finished. I finished. Mike's finished. Mike, can you please give us your words per minute? This time, 107.

Yes. With what accuracy? I didn't see the accuracy. 90.7. Jake, what's your words per minute? 108. With 77.7 accuracy. We're going to give it to Mike, I'm afraid.

Yeah, Mike, just to wrap it up. I'm just going to give it to Mike. It's taken way too long ahead. And look, Mike, I was impressed. Yeah, I was impressed with the spin. Have you ever had a coin? I do, I know. But can I say, I did hear Jake Typing

and it was very impressive as well. Oh, thank you. Oh, this is nice. Well, I mean, he did get one word more than you. Yeah, so I'm happy to donate a coin to him, but I don't have to. How does that happen? You can't, come on, get 70% of the time.

You can't do that. So 70% of the typing content that you've been using the best of it. Yeah. Hey, look, can we just say, do you remember what Miss Ho got back in the day? What did she get? No, I think I might have just ignored it. I could hear it. It's nothing lagged.

Block it out. And now you've got a new bad memory. Place it with... So, Jake, in a way, you are a winner. You've been rewarded with even more motivation moving forward in the speed-stiping stakes. The point goes to the man internally employed by Joe. I think it's a coming on.

So it was... Cheers. It's so brief. Hey, and last week on the the show we flew Jack from South Australia to Victoria to take a 25 hot minute. Yes, for a quick turnaround trip. So we avoided paying for accommodation just so he could prove himself in his special skill, which was identifying any brand of dim sim that is available steamed, available at the supermarket. Jack joins again now. Jack, obviously a week has passed how you're feeling about what was a failure

at the time but challenged. So I'm feeling alright about it. I caught a bit of grief from the boys, but you know, that's alright. It is not whether we eat and fail. It's whether we eat again. And you will eat again fail, it's whether we eat again. And you will eat again, you will eat a dimsym again. Jack, I think you were responsible for reawakening, certainly in me, I have steamed dimsym hunger across the nation. Yeah, and had them twice this week.

I've always liked that. Which one you get? Do you go on to walk? I've got to walk. I've got to walk. I'm going to get to the best mate. Well, it's rapidly turning into a paid version here, and it's not.

They're all good. But you ran into some difficulty last week. Let's clarify, Jack, you mixed up what you believe was going to be a woolly dim sim, and it was in fact a Coles one. Then you challenged to say that there's a different recipe, a different taste for the South Australian dim sim, cold dim sim versus what a Victorian one is.

Because we obviously bought the Victorian version. When you tasted the Victorian cold dim sim, you said, and I've got the tapes to prove this, I've never had that before in my life. Now, in the cold light of day, for you to say you've never had a cold stim sim before, I mean that's just ludicrous to the tune of probably 10,000 dim sims because you've had many cold stim sims, is that right?

Yes, I had many cold stim sims leading up to last weekend. When you guys, when I ate that cold stim sim, you, when you gave me, did not taste like what I had. Right, okay. So we said, because this was the, the whole event was teetering on this like false positive or false negative, we said, if we can get a Coles representative on the show

this week, to confirm or deny that there is a possibility that a South Australian Coles Dimsim would taste different to a Victorian Coles Dimsim. If a cold's representative would back that story up, we would grant you the coin under the rule 44b of staining you 87 sands of different geographical dim sims or whatever. Jack we have a cold's rep standing by. We're going to fade you down. You still be able to listen in but I don't want him jumping in and trying to plead his case. So I want this to be impartial. As video is on video link from Ramana. We've got the sound down. Now will he walk free and become a coin in air? Or will he go back into Dim Simfailure jail? We don't know. Exactly. Joining us now

is Michael Weldon, Cole's development chef. Also a master chef contestant so does know he's food what this year or Michael what you in the past Yeah, well a little while ago to 11 the best Michael welcome and can congrats on that MasterChef season. Hey Michael, any claims of corruption there because our calls are very big MasterChef sponsor. Yeah, but were you were you a development chef then or was it the heights of MasterChef fame that got you the gig? It was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was than it was that way around. Okay. So Michael, a couple of questions. Did you hear our conversation with Jackson now? I'm not. Okay. I want him to remain impartial.

So Michael, he's my first question. Yes. Are you familiar with the Coles dim Sims? I am. I am. Right. Do you know the chef in charge of them? Uh, look here.

I know who's responsible for them. Yeah. Right. Okay. This is the this is the big question. Is there a different recipe for the Coles dim sim served in a South Australian chain versus the Coles dim sim served at a Victorian Coles? I reserve the right to follow the question up. No, same recipe from Port Adelaide de Porte. Right, okay. Made in exact same place. Is there one centralized kitchen? There is. There's one centralized location where they come from.

Now the dim sims are obviously transported frozen. They are. Is it a longer journey for one state than another? Are they made in South Australia or are they made in Victoria? I can reveal the native Victoria. I can't I won't tell you I won't tell you too many secrets. Oh no you can't tell us where the next thing you have 100,000 people descending on it like a funny area 51 right? Exactly. Show us the D.C.X right they can't stop us all the recipe. We wouldn't do that to you. Right so we bought our dim sim closer to the South Australian border I don't know exactly better just we're talking about the logistics of a truck

traveling yeah is it is there is there an possibility that through the transport whether it's longer in a freeze or a different temperature freeze or you're going through a different handling station, is there a possibility that that could result in a taste difference? No, no, they frozen from pickup to delivery, unless Jack left him on his bench for three days. We were in charge of that. We were in charge of that.

Although we were in charge of Jack's. So Jack standing by, we haven't let him speak till now because we thought he'd protest. So are the coals, is there one kitchen that produces coals delicious dim sims nationally? Yeah. There you go. Jax, you've heard it from Michael.

He's questioning your preparation, not ours. My preparation, I coals with Dim sims to recode a week weeks before and so I I don't really know the taste of cold dimsins and what I taste that day was Add something be the herb in lemon grass and or something that put me off or put me off It just let me off the trail. Hmm. Did not not not untaste the just Yeah, I'm not okay. He's like a cold dimsy. Michael.

We understand, Jack, we certainly understand your point. And I applaud you for digging in. Yeah. Michael, is there a chance you know what it's like to be a chef in one of these dimsym kitchens that you make in a batch. You're coming up on five o'clock on a Friday. You're feeling good. You know from a cost perspective,

you shouldn't add lemongrass, but it was an extra expense. But you're feeling generous. Would you ever sprinkle a bit of a herb in like a golden ticket, a bit of something extra in a dim sim for a few lucky customers? I don't think so, there will obviously be, you know, slight variation, you know, seasonally on some of the vegetables in there,

but there definitely shouldn't be lemongrass in there. There might be cabbage that tastes stronger than other strong onions, but definitely not lemon grow. Is it possible that Jack got hit by an unusually strong batch of onions? In that- I mean it could be, but it does sound very- It could be, but it does sound very lenient. It sounds very lenient. Oh Jack, I do think that's what's happened.

I think you are luckily have been at the hands of an unseasonably strong bouts. It sticks me up. No one stitched you up, we went to Jack. And that's why I wanted Jack to kind of turn down for most of the debate with Michael. But Jack, no one stitched you up. This is not a conspiracy. We love you passion for DMCM's, particularly the Coles brand. It's just going to be one for the ages and I think a strong onion is probably who's to blame.

So, Jackie, you will be taken of no value, will stand as your prize for the segment. No coin for you, Jack, do you take that on the chin? Oh, yeah, I take it on the chin, but I am just going to say there will be no interstate factory mix-ups. So, on the first phone call. Yes, we are saying interstate factories, we thought there might have been two factories. There's a sink in the box.

There's a sink in the box. I was trying to wean my app to a coin, but it worked, it did it. No, no, no, no. First thing you've got right all day. No, no, no, no. Michael, thank you very much for joining us. Jack, you're a main one of the best.

Thank you. Thank you so much for your help, mates. Congrats again on season 11 of MasterShit out now. I'm David E. mate. Yeah, congrats again on season 11 of MasterChef out now. I'm doing it in 2011. Sorry. Sorry. Ando, a couple of months ago on the show I let people inside a move that is I believe a move that I'm a signature move. I've invented and courage others to practice and perfect, to be used in a casual dining situation.

Breakfast lunch or dinner, if you are at a restaurant or a cafe and you feel the urge suddenly and it has to be a crippling urge to go on number two and you think to yourself, okay, we all know the unspoken cultural convention if someone's away for quite a long time from the toilet. The whole table's thinking, this guy's doing a poo out, he's one. Yeah, yeah. And we're like it or not,

consciously or subconsciously, that is the image people will have of you. They know what you're up to. And when you return, they know what you've done. Yeah, they know what you've done. If you would like, if you don't like that level of surveillance

and in this age of digital privacy and personal privacy, sometimes people don't want that level of data being known about them. If you would like to hide that level of data, you can try and perform, well, this known as the Golden 60 Seconds, which is a technique I patented and I'm very, very happy to share with the world

where you can say, you say to the tell, excuse me guys, I've just got to go for a wee and you hop up and in that you now have a 60 second window in which to end the toilet, perform a poo clean up yourself. Of course. Before putting the toilet does that sound. Yeah. Clean up your sticks, they clean up yourself, wash your hands, get everything done, get back to the table within 60 seconds,

a time most normal people would conceive it to be impossible to poo. Thus backing up your claim that you're going for a wee. It is certainly a move easier said than done. I understand that. And I started receiving emails on my side of the fence. I'm not sure if you're just already lost. I'm sorry, I should have forwarded the book.

And then I'd say if you direct messages on Instagram, there's that gone. I'm sorry, I should have forwarded the book. And then I see a few direct messages on Instagram. There's that page that I don't often go to, but something caught my eye in the direct messages. Someone said, hey, hey, best I can manage with the GISS is 1, 14. And it took me a while to realize, I was like, what is this message on about? I mean, oh, he's a radiated guy in 60 seconds. I would have done a GI 60 S.

All right. Rather than GI S S, but I figured out what he was talking about. Do you like a GIS or would you prefer to call the GISS? Yeah, I mean, I've always just called it a gone in 60 seconds. Don't want to shorten. I don't mind seeing the digit 60 in there if I can. But I'll get what you're talking about for people that are riding in. And it's certainly a couple of people who people in the same boat, ranging from a minute 10 to a minute 20,

no matter how hard they tried, that's where they were landing. Sometimes the key is not trying that hard. Well, Andy, you're absolutely right. Landing 70 to 80 seconds, and I thought, okay, well, I released my initial range of self-help tapes that taught everyone the technique. Is it time I released a remedial course? Yeah, okay. Or a help course. Yeah, because it's all, you can.

Up and in is. It's all well and good to just come and go. Here's how you'd be professional, but if people last struggling and they can't get their time down, I think it's my responsibility as the leader of this, not a cult. No, a leader of this movement. Yep. Literally, this bow movement to, it's my responsibility to step up, release another tape.

Yep, another cassette. I won't play the whole thing because it runs for hours and hours and hours and there's a lot of meditations on there and all players. But again, I can play a sample and if people are interested in it, they can jump online by the cassette. I'll just, I think that's the easiest way to get a sample

is I just hit play and then fast forward. Okay. Okay. Hello, SpeedTurters and welcome to the final 15. Or how to get your gone in 60 seconds time from 70 to 80 down to that magic sub 60 mark in this series of tapes. We'll do everything you need to shave precious seconds off your approach, your push, your flush, your finish, and your washing stages to leave you a whole lot lighter and your guests, none the wiser. Okay, in this special nine hour cassette,

you're gonna get lessons, you're gonna get meditations, you're gonna get exclusive audio to a couple of my best gone in 60 seconds, you're gonna get the lot friends. Yeah, thank you., that's it. Just that's the intro. Chapter 4. Going slow to go fast.

US Navy SEALs have a saying that slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Nothing could be truer for the gun in 60 seconds. The GISS is a dance, it's a ballet, and each move must be gracefully finishing as the next begins. So, you're undoing your belt. Okay, but are you descending yet? So you're descending to the toilet. Okay, but have you already opened the Bombay doors?

Right, you've opened the Bombay doors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're enforcing some stuff, yeah. Chapter 7. The blockage isn't in your ass. It's in your mind. A lot of people complain that their bum takes too long to cooperate, but this is a mental block as much as the physical one. After completing the Gila in 60 seconds, many times hooked up to an MRI machine, scientists

found that my prefrontal cortex was as active as an astronaut during a very difficult launch sequence, yet my heart was as calm as a hibernating bear during the depths of winter I want to get more that sorry now take off your brown clothes and you can stop pretending to be the poo well done That's the final lesson Congratulations, you are now ready to go sub 60 keep tripping and happy fast Great I'll be done for what I'm gonna go all the way to the full night out. Yeah, you should, it's worth the full listen. Be a little sam, everything you'll be walked through step by step.

Let's get those time, Sam. And let's keep those suspicions far, far away from you. Thanks for listening. The Hamish Nandie podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishanandie.com.