Handsome - Allison Williams asks about mundane superpowers

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

Allison Williams (Get Out, M3GAN) asks Handsome a question about not-so-super superpowers, plus Tig gets nut brown, Biggie gets startled, and napping makes you... horny?!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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C-A-U-S-E-M-E-T-I-C-S dot com slash handsome for 20% off your first order. Handsome Pot. Chatting with friends on the handsome pot. Chatting with friends on the handsome pot. Cheers. Oh, that's a pot. I'm Fortune Feimster. I'm Tim Torp. I'm Mae Martin. I'm Fortune.imster. I'm Tinkertark. I'm A. Martin.

I'm A. Martin. I'm Fortune. We're excited. Oh my God, you guys, we haven't been together in a room in a minute. It has been a beat. And what a treat this is to see y'all's pretty faces, pretty handsome faces.

I'm a pretty little lady. You're buzzing? Yeah, I'm buzzing. Well, what's going on? Had a lot of coffee. Yeah. Oh, okay, okay had a lot of coffee. Yeah Okay, son, I'm Absorbing the Sun. Oh, that's nice. Isn't it though? Yeah, when you say I've been taking biggie on walks to the park

Every morning this week and that's been so fun. That's delightful Yeah, I saw a piece of art that said it was this woman lying in the Sun and it said I will let the Sun I saw a piece of art that said it was this woman lying in the sun and it said I will let the sun Impregnate me and murder me. Wow. I keep thinking about it now every time I'm in the sun I think let it impregnate me and murder me. Okay. I don't want either of those Yeah, I mean it's been nice to have the weather shift and have all this warm weather, but I'm not looking for a... I mean I would be impregnated with another son. I'd have three boys. Isn't it weird though that it's like this life-giving warm thing that makes life happen, but it's so dangerous. It can burn you. Well it can murder you. It can murder you.

That's what really hurts me. Yeah. I'm very fair skinned, so I have to be careful with the sun. You're delicate, yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're all kind of fair-skinned, right? Yeah, we're. Yeah, yeah. It's not like. I can imagine you getting not brown in the sun.

Not brown? Not, N-U-T, not brown. No. I was like, take now, I can imagine you getting not brown. No tan whatsoever. No, I do tan a little bit. Yeah. Do you not tan at all?

Not really. I burn and then I'm white again. You're looking not brown. You're looking buff over there. You think I'm looking buff? Don't you think I'm looking buff? Look how excited. See how happy I got.

I am really trying. I can tell you're bulking up. Thanks, but Look at those muscles! Look at those muscles! I didn't do my push-ups. We're just getting treading muscles. I know. I haven't treaded in like two weeks. I treaded today. How was that at town? You did? How was it? It was so delightful. Right. I just really it's so meditative. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah for me, you know, I got my friend Joe staying with me How's old Joe old Joe's good. He's very pale very fair. Hi I got a wife and three kids and I work in a back factory

One day my wife came or wait, is it my wife or my boss guys? I never got to the bottom of it We never did and we don't want to yeah. Yeah, he's good and he's he's British but um Good to know not yeah, you can picture it But we were playing okay. We were playing foosball which by the way now every morning. I go morning foos Morning foos and I'm ironing food Marnon Fooze and I play. Marnon Fooze. Marnon Fooze. And he goes, okay so there's offense, you know, on a soccer pitch.

And then there's? Defense. Right. And then he goes, but in the government there's the secretary of? State? Defense. Defense. I said state. A pronunciation. But why is it defense for soccer and then everything else is soccer?

Yeah, we're gonna play defense. We're gonna play defense. Cause you wouldn't say, don't get so defensive. Yeah. So what's that about? I think that just the English language is weird, right? Good answer, Fortune. Yeah, that checks out.

And if we're really fortune about it. Nailed it with that answer. It's a complicated language. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Defense sounds like de puffer.

De puffer. Is it a complicated language? Cause I mean, I speak it very easily. It's pretty complicated. It's total, it's so easy for me. Your banish is easy. Listen to me talking English. Like I'm not even, I'm not struggling at all.

People say it's hard. I think it's hard. But we don't have like, where every object is masculine or feminine. I mean, we know. Like that table. Like Spanish is the masculine and feminine. That table, let's say one, two, three,

what is its gender? Masculine. Male. Thank you. Fortune didn't know. I didn't know. Okay, this sofa, one, two, three. Female. You said male. I did. For this sofa, interesting. female you said male I did for this sofa

It seems female male male. Oh, yeah, this is male. Yeah Actually, that's non-binary This is like I'm over here alone. Ah We're twinning with our green on. Oh, look how old my hands are. Your hands are soft. Taken Fortune just touched their hands. But look, look how old my hands are compared to your precious newborn skin.

You do have very soft, but don't pull away. I have baby skin. Yes, you do. I gotta lotion my hands better though. Well, you know what? It's best to hydrate from the inside. I drink a lot of water. Good, good.

I'm not a soda gal. Me neither. Guys, I just got a text from Karen Kilgariff. I love Karen. Can I just tell you, I texted Karen a video of that Stephanie had sent me of Max and Finn's playlist. Yeah. that Stephanie had sent me of Max and Finn's playlist. Yeah. And it is, it made, unless she was lying to me,

she said it made her cry. Oh. It is all Eminem, Kendrick Lamar, and then one Karen Kilgara song. No way. Yes, they love it. Incredible. Oh my gosh, and Stephanie's dad is the biggest

Karen Kill Garif fan. No way. Have you listened to her album? No, I don't know. She's such a great singer. She's such a great singer. She's such, she does this incredible thing. Oh yeah, as a musician you should hear her. I would love to. Because she can, in one song, can make you laugh so hard and then also break your heart. Like her. God, that's amazing. It is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. What a skill.

Yeah. She said she was gonna do a handsome question. We gotta get her to. Well, I'm so- Maybe she was sending me one. Oh! No! I'm a big fan.

She's too busy talking about true crime. She's so funny. She's the best. They were doing a thing for a while on their podcast of celebrities or people saying they're hometown murders. Yeah, yeah. Or things from their life

that were like their crime and thing. And I always wanted to tell about the time when my parents were out and they left me and my brother. I went to bed, then I think I've told this, then they come back and my brother's sitting on the front porch looking real pale, not brown. Not brown. Yeah, and they're like, is everything okay?

And he goes, your friend is having a nap upstairs. And they're like, what friend? He goes, your friend. I told this, right? I don't think so. No. Really? Yeah.

If you did, I blocked it out. Me too, this is not familiar to me. Yeah, my brother said, well, your friend came over and she said that you said she would have a nap in your bed. And so they go up and there's a woman asleep in the bed and she's taking off all her clothes. Is this like a Goldilocks situation? And she'd neatly folded all her clothes and she's naked in their bed. Oh, she folded her clothes. Yeah, and so my dad got a baseball bat.

I like that what sticks out to you is that she folded her clothes, not that she's naked. Well, that's nice. She's naked in the bed and you're like, oh, she folded her clothes. Your dad got a baseball bat and then what? How old was she?

She wasn't in the mood to play baseball, right? She was in her 40s. My dad's like, She was baseball her 40s. My dad's like... She was baseball ready. Yeah. And my dad just said, you gotta get out. What are you doing? She just woke up and said, sorry.

I'm sorry. Put her clothes back on and left. Had a nice nap. Well, we had a real hometown crime when I was growing up. Oh, what was it? Oh God, is it gonna be real dark? It's... I imagine no. No, it is. Oh, dark? It's, it's. I imagine no.

No it is. Oh it is. Oh it is. Oh fuck. It is. It wasn't like someone stole a chicken. No, there was this guy, and oddly, I think roughly around the same year,

that, okay, this guy's name is Ricky. Okay. And the band Skid Row. Have you heard of them? They're a metal band. Yeah. Sebastian Bach, lead singer. Uh huh. song 18 and Life and it's about this kid Ricky. Yeah. Okay. Ricky at my school who dated my best friend, Michelle, he

asked for a rifle for Christmas. Oh no. His parents got him a rifle. He shot his parents. Threw the rifle in the lake. Drove his dad's pickup truck up to the school. He wasn't even old enough to drive. Not that that's the biggest crime in the story. Did he fold his clothes before he left? He did fold his clothes. And he's still, he's life in prison.

Whoa. He is still, and like every now and then I'll be going about my life and I'm like, oh my God. Ricky's still in prison? Ricky is still in prison. Yeah, that's crazy. And we were 15 years old. And he came to school that day?

Like he came. He drove his dad's pickup truck up to school to tell the principal that his parents were dead. Whoa. Mm-hmm. Mm. Woof. Yeah. That's a real hometown

murder. Yeah. Yeah. That was that was like, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so Karen Kell Gariff texted me. Yeah. Cause this whole situation back to back to your muscles back to my muscles. No back to we were talking about pops. So you said root beer you like and then my question was what root beer well It's barks originally from Biloxi, Mississippi. Is it yes? And you've never had barks. Oh my god and barks in the bottle if anyone here is Folk but yeah barks in Bottle is where it is at.

A glass bottle? Oh yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Max and Finn love the fact that when I was little in Mississippi that we'd be in the back of pickup trucks drinking Barks in the Bottle, like without seat belts just thrown

in the back of a pickup truck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the days. Yes, but anyway. So if you're going to see a movie and you get a drink and they give you the empty drink and then you go to the station and they got all the taps and all the different pops.

I went the other day and obviously I'm mixing multiple pops. That's like the great luxury of having the option. Yeah, you said you like to mix a lot of them, but. Oh, I already said that. You did, but that's fine. You're passionate about it. I am. It's like a sound.

It comes up every day. If I were to mix any drink, it would be like Sprite and like a cherry. Well, that's a Shirley Temple. Exactly. Right. No, I'm going ginger ale, Coke Zero, and Fanta. Aren't those called kamikaze?

Are they? I mean, when I was a kid. You think you're right, yeah. Kamikaze, you just? I mean, when I was a kid, kamikaze, you just go, psh psh psh psh psh psh psh psh psh. And you like the taste. Yeah, and the person I was with was horrified. Yeah, I can see that. Who were you with?

I was on a date, actually. Oh! Wow. Okay, a little cowboy. Oh yeah, just jump over a date and talk about the soda pop you had. Oh me, I was just on a little date, May says. Yeah.

Can we know the gender? The gender is female. Oh, okay. I know you had a male date, right? I did. Oh wait, did we ever talk about how that went? It was great. Oh, okay.

Tell us, what do you mean it was great? Tell us the details. No, I gotta turn a new corner. Okay. Oh, I'm not sharing? I corner. OK. Oh, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Well, it's I feel like we can break this very, very easily. Yeah, I mean, yeah, this is having fun. I'm having fun.

I'm in my hot boy summer, I guess. And so when you go on a date with a dude, yeah. Do you pick each other up? Do you meet somewhere who picks up the bill? Oh, nice. Good question. Thank you. Do you pick each other up? Do you meet somewhere who picks up the bill? Oh nice. Good question. Thank you. Do you kiss good night? Yeah. Give us all these dudes. Touch privates. What's happening? Is this the 1950s? Who pays the bill? I mean, I will say I'm curious too. Hey, well, fortune, me too. Yeah. Yeah. We're both curious. Yeah. Do you give us any? You won't have to answer everything, but, we're both curious. Can you give us any, you have answers to everything,

but what you're willing to answer. Well, on this particular date, we met in a bar and we bought our own drinks, I think. Okay. I think, or I bought a round, he bought a round. Okay. And then did some kissing and then didn't go, but maybe we'll see.

And did you meet on an app? We did meet on an app. Okay. I would love to walk into a bar and see you smooching a dude. I don't know, is it? I don't know, it's fascinating to me. Really?

Yeah, right? No? Have you kissed a boy? Have I kissed a boy? We know about the H.J., but did you kiss? It wasn't even a full H.J., it was. A grab. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was that was it was more of a musical lesson, right? Yeah The only boy I've kissed two boys. Yeah, but tongue years and years ago one tongue one no tongue

One tongue, one no tongue. Oh. Now, back to your muscles. Back to my muscles, yeah. I'm doing a lot of pull-ups. I'm lifting weights with this bubbly boy trainer. He's so bubbly. My friend Elliot, he's amazing. If you're in LA, you've got to see Elliot.

And I listen to Baxter Boys or Alanis Morissette while I do it. Or Weezer sometimes. I love Weezer. Not that I don't enjoy the others, but I'm like, I love how like, Weezer reminds me of the cars. Like how almost robotic the music is.

Right. You know, like Weezer reminds me of a modern day version of the cars. Yeah. I don't know the cars. I was about to lie and pretend I did. You don't know the car. No. Would I know? You know, with with Rick O'Kasek, lead singer.

You don't know the cars. Oh, my God. Tell me, tell me, tell me a song. Tell me a hit song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't know the car. Who are you talking to? Thomas, anybody. Are you talking to the cars? They don't know the cars. Are you talking to Thomas anybody? Are you talking to the air cars? They don't know the cars Yeah, tell us the song is One hit song doesn't I don't think no no no no cars haven't had a hit Ticks are you saying they didn't you don't know the song you don't know their songs. You know yeah, you just what I needed

Just what I needed Sure How does it go? Just what I needed just what I needed Sure How does it go? Song but now I can't think of how yeah anyway, it doesn't matter it doesn't even matter, but they influenced we sir we think Okay, I don't even know that I mean I I would have I don't know I have no idea But when I hear we sir I'm like God this is like the modern-day Cars cuz there's something and we know exactly what that means. I like that the lead singer's name is Rivers Cuomo, that's a great name Rivers is a great name. I remember he

was went through a period of time maybe still where he was Abstaining from sex really? Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it was around 2001. Really? As you enter your hot boy summer? No, right now is not the time. Save that for winter. And he publicly was like, why, to keep his creative juices? Possibly. Is that a thing? Do you think that you're expelling, like if the energy of desire is connected to the energy of creativity in some way or like

like do you think being monastic and stuff is gonna you're you'll channel that energy into other stuff i don't know maybe that's his hope that was his hope well maybe he had other issues around you know relationships or sex or whatever it was that he felt like he had. There he goes. All right, he's off to the races. The motorcycle just zooms by. Did you hear that? Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know, to check that your high school

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Did you end up doing your thing in Oh Hi that you were gonna do? I did. How was it? How was it? Yeah, Emily Salyers from the Indigo Girls. How was it? It was so... I mean, it was such a magical weekend. Really? Stephanie and I took Max and Finn to Ohai, and it was for the Playwrights Conference at the Ohai Playhouse. Such a great theater, such a great lineup of talented people and we stayed you know Michaela Watkins. I love her. Yeah she's so ridiculously funny and a solid human being as is her husband Fred and we stayed in their

guest house for the weekend. Oh nice. And their property is her husband Fred and we stayed in their guest house for the weekend and their property is just so beautiful and we were swimming, treading water and whatever. Ice cream and everyone kept yelling keep it handsome! Everywhere in Ojai. I love that. I went. I went up recently to Ojai and I swam in a river, like this, yeah, I was jumping, scrabbling around. Oh yeah, Fred wanted to take us to the river. It's amazing. We didn't have time.

It was so nice. And then there were these people there with a dog and the dog was jumping in the water. And I had my camera and I was paparazziing this dog and I think they were getting uncomfortable with it because I was like when the dog was in the water it was like a cattle dog it was a beautiful I want a dog so bad like an Australian yeah I thought you were going to share custody with one with Alana yeah these two pitbull puppies Bert and Ernie one of them I think has been adopted and

then Alanis keeping the other one. Oh she is. Yeah she's keeping Ernie. Alanis Morissette? Alana Johnston. Alanis when will she be my friend? Alanis? Alanis? I don't know. Talk straight to the camera. Alanis, hi girl. Can you be friends with May? Yeah like I don't mean to be weird about it but I just think we'd get along. I think, I also think we'd get along too, but if you also wanna be my friend. I feel like we would have intense issues. I actually, I've already met Alanis.

So have I. Yeah, we met Alanis too. We were saying, well, we wanna be friends with Alanis. I know, but I'm saying like, I met her, we had bad energy. No, we did not. Alanis, I don't think has bad energy. She stared deep in my soul and I've been changed ever since.

Yeah, that's what I want. Well, I have been changed ever since. I mean, this week in Anohi, listening to Emily Saliers sing with Beth Malone, do you know who Beth Malone is? One of the stars of Fun Home. Did you see Fun Home? Oh yeah.

Are you familiar with Fun Home? No. That was great. It's a great musical. You would, you gotta. What are you talking about? Is there a way to see it? I saw it in New York and I saw it in LA.

It is so. Fun Home. Fun Home. It is a musical you'd really like yes okay it is it's gay it is so gay okay now we're talking and it's so oh and Stephanie pointed out because we well let me finish it Emily hearing Emily and Beth and then Jonathan Brooke you know she was in the band the story and she's incredible solo.

The three of them singing, I was like, somebody kill me. Really? Yes, and then independently and everybody on the show. I love that. It was so insane. But on One Mississippi, Stephanie and I recreated and sang the duet, the song from Fun Home called Ring of Keys as a duet, the song from Fun Home called

Ring of Keys as a duet. It is such a beautiful song. Does Stephanie sing? Yes, I love her voice. Aw, I didn't know that. She never sings an improv when we're doing improv. In fact, if a song comes up, she'll bail. Yeah, she's a little weirdo.

But she sang that night with Emily and Beth and everyone. Oh, no way. Ring of Keys is not a duet. Oh, what I was gonna say is it's the little girl version of Beth's character in the play. Okay. Who's like maybe 10, and she's in this store, and then this butchie woman walks in

with a ring of keys on her felt loop, and then this butchie woman walks in with a ring of keys on her belt loop and has lace-up boots, and this little girl is like, sees herself in this person, and it's that moment of like, and the lines of the song are like, I know you. Can you feel my heart saying hi?

It is the most beautiful song, and Stephanie and I sang it to each other in our little love story in One Mississippi, and then we're in Oh Hi with Beth Malone, who didn't sing Ring of Keys, but she sang Ring of Keys at the performances last weekend, and Stephanie and I were just like, are you hitting me?

I mean you have to see. It was a perfect weekend for you. It really was, it was so fun. And yeah, we just, we all had a wonderful time. Oh good. I love Jesus Christ Superstar the musical. And have I already said this to Fortune? I don't think so, but you know if they're doing it the Hollywood Bowl with Cynthia

Riva yeah I got tickets but I feel like I've lost my mind because I went nuts it was late at night I saw it Adam Lambert as Judas Cynthia Riva as $2,000. Whoa, baller. Should we cut that out? Is that really like? No, people need to know. I have made. People need to know. People need to know. Yes, people need to know. I don't even have someone to go with.

I just was like, I need to be there and I need to be near the front. I don't know why. I don't think you're gonna have a hard time getting somebody to go to that with you. Do you think? Do they have to reimburse you? No.

The Hollywood Bowl is pretty magical too. It's a really great experience. I think I'm gonna love it. If you really wanna see something, you work hard, go see it. I might try and get my dad to come down to LA because he was in Jesus Christ of Bristol. That's a different kind of evening

than I thought for you, but that's great too. I mean, I think it'd be really bonding. He and he's like he played he was the understudy for Pontius pilot And he also is it Pontius or Pontius or is it Pontius? I thought it was Pontius pilot wait It's not Pontius is it how do we always run into this problem? Pontius Pontius pilot you're saying Pontius Pont I thought it was Pontius. Pontius pilot? I don't know. You've always said Pontius.

Now I don't know. Thomas? I can play the Google pronouncer of it. Yeah. Oh God. Pontius pilot. Oh my God, no. One more time.

Pontius pilot. Still Pontius pilot. Oh my God. Pontius just makes me think of Pontius. So then has my dad been saying it wrong? Maybe that's, y'all's Canadian way. That's why you think it's Pontius just makes me think of Pontus so then has my dad been saying it wrong maybe this y'all's Canadian You know they made me go to church all the time There is a British Oh, John, here we go. Ponches pilot.

It's still ponches. It's just more ponches pilot. Can you run the Japanese pronunciation? Ponches pilot. Yeah. But I think that would be good bonding. That would be nice. Because he always sings his line from the play was

Good kaya fest, the council waits for you. And he still sings in the kitchen while he's cooking it was like 40 years ago that he was in the musical but that's a great show I think it's gonna be great you'll have a ball I gotta go to the Hollywood Bowl sometime this summer mm-hmm yeah but you will I sure will yeah listen to some music yeah around yeah I know we have to get to our guests but I want to tell you will. I sure will. Yeah, listen to some music, dance around. I know we have to get to our guests, but I wanna tell you something.

Please. I'm going at... I'm... We're just holding hands for a minute. Let's all really pull together, because this is what hard, what I'm about to say. Feeling handsome right now. I go to physical therapy at seven in the morning.

Oh, fuck. And I feel like, I'm just like walking on air because I find it so fun to be walking down the sidewalk at like 6.45 in the morning. Really? Oh, it's so exhilarating. People are asleep. Yeah, and I go and I, physical therapy,

working on my knee and my back and stuff and then, and it's inspired me to get a personal trainer this week, or this summer. Yes dude! Who are you gonna get? Who am I gonna get? Who are you gonna get? I don't know, you want to be my personal trainer. I think you should get Elliot. Yeah he's amazing. But your physical therapy, is it like strengthening stuff or loosening stuff or what? Um all sorts of things strengthen it. Yes, and it up strengthen it back Let it go cut it off. Yeah

Whatever it takes yeah, so I don't know you know I might be buff one day it might surprise I should do that too. I I'll get buff with you. We'll catch up to Mae. Just weights are the best thing. Yeah, but Mae can't tread water for an hour. No way. Are you kidding? I am so... So if you and I are treading for an hour and we get buff, oh, I'm fucked then.

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gift. That's thrivemarket.com slash handsome. Thrivemarket.com slash handsome. Pontius Pilot. Yeah-tious pilot. Yeah, it's pon-tious. Fuck. Pon-tious. That's all right.

We're, the best thing about this podcast is that we all learn something new. We really do. Right? We really do. Yeah. And then sometimes we learn things we don't wanna know. Learn things we don't wanna know

and sometimes we give information that's wrong. Oh, a million percent. A million percent. Every now and then we do give some incorrect information. Oh God, I went to get a coffee the other day and the person told me to keep it handsome. It's such a treat. It's so good.

Yeah, it's fun. I was walking across the street in Ojai with my family, and this truck goes by, and I just hear this woman yell, keep it handsome! Oh. And then I was also, I was waiting for my family to come out of the ice cream shop.

So I was sitting alone on a bench just going like this. I love a bench. Yeah, and you love ice cream. I'm sitting there alone just like licking my ice cream. Yeah. And this woman walks by and she's like, I love your podcast. I was like, thanks. Our question asked her today, I'm so excited.

I'm such a fan of hers. I can tell your foot's flat. Look, my little foot started jiggling. You love this woman. I love this woman. I love this cowboy. She's hilarious. She's a great actor.

You know her from Girls, from the movie Megan, and from Get Out, and she has a new podcast out on Head Gum, which is where our podcast is. Wow, so she'll be in here recording, I guess. Oh my gosh, she'll be in the building. That's insane. We'll have to say hi to her sometimes. What's her name?

Well, her podcast is called Landlines. Okay, what's her name? Allison Williams is asking today's question. She's so fun. Hello, handsome podcast. You handsome podcast, you. It's Allison Williams. I'm a huge fan of your show

and of all three of you individually. What are the odds? It's a dream scenario. I really hope that I get to like hang with you in real life one of these days. But in the meantime, I've been given the great honor and honestly burden, but happy to shoulder it of asking you a question that no one has asked you yet that sparks conversation and that I can also answer in a way that isn't boring. What is the most banal superpower, AKA just life skill,

that you wish you could download into your system automatically? I'm not looking for anything... extraordinary or even impressive necessarily. It's just something that maybe a huge swath of the population can just already do and you cannot. That is my question. Yep. Great question. Thank you, Austin Williams. We would also like to hang out with you as well. Williams and we would also like to hang out with you as well Did I feel like something popped into your mind cuz you really quickly were like, yep, yeah, well I I don't know. It's hard because I can technically carry a tune

We've all just All seen it with Alanis. And the chicks. But man, if I could sing like Kelly Clarkson. Right, like really felt. Really just, you're like hanging out with people and they're like, oh, there's like a mic on stage and the karaoke's about to start.

That always happens. You know how that happens in life. And you just get up there and you sound like Kelly Clarkson. Yeah. Come on. I feel like the thing that separates amateur singers from professional. Did you say amateur?

OK. What are you saying? Amateur, but amateur. Amateur? But that could be a British thing. Have you not talked to people? Like how are these? Amateur could be a British thing.

I just maybe read a lot. I don't speak a lot. You speak like old language, like. Amateur Pontius. But like, you know how really amazing singers can do those like roles, like a Whitney Houston. Like a, like. Wait, you did it the other day with, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, But can you imagine just being able to like belt like that?

She's like next level. I've never even heard Kelly go flat. Right. It's just unbelievable. And the range. How often are you hearing her sing? As much as possible. I'm always looking up her songs online.

And this is where I come in again and tell the story about Ainar, her bass player. Yes, yeah. You kissed? come in again and tell the story about Ainar, her bass player who. Yes, yeah. You kissed? I can't even pretend like he was my boyfriend, but we're friends now. But yeah, we had a little thing for one another.

And he's Kelly's bassist. Okay, so. Ah! I wouldn't mind if I could also, with that, play piano or guitar really well. Right. So I wouldn't mind if I could also with that play Piano or guitar really well, right? What are you doing, buddy? Biggie's suddenly revved up. It was from all this the singing

Very George of the jungle It feels like yeah, I know biggie is disturbing that noise that came out. He's disturbed by that? Yeah. Well, I'm looking at his be-hole. Yeah, so. Okay, I think mine would be, and this would really improve my quality of life, is just to be one of those people

who's effortless in the kitchen, who whips up a meal, and then also it's suddenly cleaned up and tidy after. It's like it never happened like people are good at that. I'm good at that. Are you? I am good at I'm not great at cooking. I'm fine. I can get things heated up and chopped and stuff into your mouth but like I clean as I go. I am that person that I mean when I make my smoothie in the morning yeah there's no sign of it by the time I'm really yeah I just remember I don't think either my my dad can whip stuff up fast he's a really good cook but I remember too yeah

he whips up a puppet like nobody's business but when I was a kid and I'd go to people's houses and just their parents would be like oh you want to an omelet and they you know and they cooked so fast. Yeah, that's a nice skill to do. Well, an omelet's kind of easy. I guess you're right. You just get the little flat egg situation, throw some stuff, and flip it over. What's a flat egg situation?

Are you meaning? Like on a skillet? You're using a skillet? What do you use? Pan, regular frying pan. Sure, you can use that. But I'm just saying like you throw in your ingredients or whatever, whether it's in the mix of the egg

or you put it in the middle. Okay, but what if you want to just flap it over? I mean, I don't even eat eggs, but I did. An asparagus omelet. Oh, that's right. No eggs for you. So asparagus omelet, the asparagus has got to be cooked before it goes unless you like a raw asparagus Then you're I am impressed by people that can just go in the fridge and pull a bunch of crap out and make something amazing

If I did that you can I can pull a bunch of things out and make something Decent terrible to average okay? Well that doesn't it's got a taste good, okay? But I have to say there Okay. Well, that doesn't sound good. Every minute's gotta taste good. Okay, but I have to say, there have been many times that Stephanie's like, wow, you know, like, wow, you heated up these things that were all not belonging together. The first step for me would be having the ingredients and the things. Like, if I did that now in my fridge, I'd be like, I got a protein bar, a cheese string, and an applesauce. What can I? Omelce. What can I? Omelette.

What can I make with this? Yeah, scramble it up. Yeah, yeah, so that's mine I think. Like effortless cooking. Think about how healthy I'd be. You seem pretty healthy to me. I feel like. We saw your muscles.

I'm tired all the time. You're thin though. But I'm eating probably a bunch of weird stuff. And muscular. Thank you. But I want to be eating fresh, organic food that I'm eating probably a bunch of weird stuff. And muscular. Thank you. But I want to be eating fresh, organic food that I'm cooking up myself. This one's got that on lock.

I mean, you eat so clean. But I also, I have cookies and I have cake and I have chips and nobody's listening. I'm sitting here saying, celebrities are just like you. You just got startled. Biggie just almost fell over, but he was already lying down. He probably didn't realize he wasn't where he was. Oh yeah, you kinda love to may.

Okay, what would your superpower be? Yeah, I wanna make it clear. Fortune. What's up, Liz? I still have vegan cake and cookies and things. I know, I know, and that's good, you have to treat yourself, but you are a very clean eater, but I also love it people misunderstand and think that I'm doing this

Against my yeah Eating healthy and I'm like, I'm very I'm it excites me. Yeah. Yeah, that's great See I want to have more of that like I want to I want to crave the kind of foods you crave. Well, I would love to make my smoothie for you. I would love it. But also, I'll go out to eat with people and they're like, oh, is it okay if I order this or that? And I'm like, I don't, just because I eat this way,

I don't care. You're not the police. No. The vegan police. No, about anybody the way they eat. Yeah. Or exercise or don't exercise. Like, that's not my thing. No! Vegan police. No! About anybody the way they eat. Yeah. Or exercise or don't exercise. That's not my thing.

I want to have a dinner party and do like three courses but effortlessly. But also, little cowboy, for you to have a hot date with somebody who maybe spent the night for whatever reason and in the morning say how do you like your eggs? How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like mine with the asparagus straw. And would you cook naked with an apron on? Oh yeah, I would actually.

I'd like that. I feel more confident naked than in clothes. Really? Yeah, not me. Would you wear a ruffly apron? What's a ruffly? Well like ruffly. Oh ruffly. Yeah. Yeah like an apron with some ruffles around the edges. I think I have to draw the line somewhere. I don't know I would maybe do it as like a fun role play if I was like I'm gonna fem it up. Yeah. You know high heels. High heels. Naked with a roughly apron on.

That would blow somebody's mind. I've before, I was like a kind of like role play thing. How do you like your eggs in the morning? And then kick your high heel off. Oh my God. Poof. The light comes crashing down. So you just walk around naked all the time?

In your house? Usually in my underwear, but just in general, it's when I put clothes on that I feel awkward. They don't fit right and I feel like I don't know how to sit and stand. That's why you need an apron and some heels. That's all I need. Some stilettos. I was in Australia with Caroline Ray once and I asked if she if I could put on her high heels and And she let me put them on and I just was hauling ass down the side

Wow, they're hard to walk in I'd like to see easy to run in Wow Caroline Ray cracks me up Yeah, silly silly person. She gave me a funny tag and for one of my sweet and salty special that where I was talking about coming out and she said, she said your hair knew you were gay before you did. I thought that was funny. That's really good. What would your superpower be? Well, I mean, I'm a little jealous of yours and yours,

but mainly yours because I... You relate I just really Would love to have and maybe with the time off that I've had I can utilize it to get better at cooking but Since I'm gonna go with something different even though I would love to have both of your superpowers. Yeah, I would love to garden Huh? Yeah, I would love to be somebody that's just out snippet things and talking to you. Yeah, I have an abundance of Produce yeah come from it like right now talk to me about something and I have gardening gloves on How'd you see that movie sinners? Oh, no Huh? Do you see that movie sinners? I didn't what are you doing there? I'm just clipping some things

You know the lingo I used to my grandma used to always say I have to go and deadhead the flowers She deadhead them like you take the dead leaves off and I'd go and be her buddy doing it and we'd have a good chat. Yeah, you have to trim them so that they can bloom. Yeah, isn't that true of life? Isn't it? You gotta shed in order to blossom. Shed to grow, shed to grow, to grow.

Should we hear what Allison has to say? I would love to hear what Allison has to say? I would love to hear what Allison has to say. I bet you would. My answer to this question is that I would be able to nap. This system does not power down midway through the day. It needs like a lot of time to sort of like relax in order to go to sleep at night. That already is very difficult. But being able to take a nap, to like shut this down, midday for 45 minutes, an hour and a 15,

like that's, that would fundamentally alter my life. And I have yet to figure out how to achieve that with the limited tools that I've been given in this life. Anyway, thank you for having me and I hope I get to see you all very soon. Okay, I don't care what any of you say. I don't think she's ugly. I just don't. Her genetics are... Cut that out. cut that out cut that out

we can't um the handsomes are flustered we can't objectify every female death I think that's the first time the three of us have had the same taste um did it get hot in here? I'm really surprised you didn't say that for your answer, the sleep thing. Well after she said that I was like, ugh, there's another thing I want.

I would love... Yeah. I mean, I told you, I have a sleep coach right now. Yeah. Yeah. Napping is hard for me. I can't shut it down during the day. My problem is, and I know it's going to be like, oh, classic May.

Classic May. You're like, you're up making puppets all night. When I lie down to have a nap. I mean, during the day. Then I get horny. And then I like. Wait, wait, wait, wait, time out. You get horny when you go to take a nap?

Yeah, and then I'll think, I'll be stressed that I can't power down my brain and I'll think, well, if I just get off, then I'll sleep. And then I end up, that takes a while. Wide awake? And then it's time to get up again. Cause it takes away from all the puppet making. Exactly, exactly.

Painting. I've never heard of going to take a nap and it makes you horny. I hope people listening can relate to this. There's something about- Please, please. Call 1-800-HANDSOME. Let us know.

Our handsome listeners, you must tell us if this is something any of you experience. Yeah, because it's like an unusual time of day to be in bed. Maybe you're even, yeah, I don't know. And you're already half naked. Yeah, exactly. You're in your frilly apron and you're even yeah, I don't know and yeah, and you're already half naked Exactly. You're in your frilly Your own body you're like well No, it's like it's like thinking I want to be deeply relaxed and and and I'm in a bed and then yeah But it just takes too long and then I get all I gotta get up and I'm also Thomas. I just hiccup burped

Let's keep that in keep that in Is it always take a long time no no but honestly that would be another great superpower what are we talking about getting off oh okay sorry for all the that would be another great superpower though to be able to just like when you're ready for it to happen you just go I just want to garden I mean I cut the thing I just want to cut trim the things I just want to garden oh my god with my wrinkly fingers I will say am I saying like Kelly Clark said a lot of people would be horny and that would help them. I have a friend whose girlfriend can sleep anywhere We make a living doing this that's insane that's insanity What is wrong with you specifically teachers is wrong with you, specifically? Teach us gardening.

I'm just gardening over here. We're trying to make people horny. Fortune Marie. That wasn't my intent to sound like Kelly Clarkson, but it would be a byproduct. I told you all those lesbians went wild when she sang that song. Oh yeah. Can you believe how old my hands look?

We're back on grandma take over here. Oh my gosh. I saw this thing online and I on Instagram I guess it's like Whatever marketing towards me. Yeah speaking old hands I don't mean to laugh because I'm sure it's very helpful and I probably could use it, because I do trip sometimes and break a femur, but end up on a cane. It's like a vest that can sense if you're falling.

I've seen this. And it pops up, it suddenly inflates. Yeah, it inflates and like, catches your body. I think you should get it. You should. I told Stephanie about it and she goes, first date. Cause we always joke about just awkward moments or whatever.

Like you forget to tell people that you have an inflatable vest on. And you trip and all of a sudden you're like, on the ground, like with an airbag wrapped around you. Anyway. and all of a sudden you're like on the ground, like with an airbag wrapped around you. Anyway, not a bad idea. Yeah, but that was a really great question. Like just something so, what seems like nothing? Yeah.

Sleeping, cooking, singing. Yeah. What was the other thing? This friend of mine. Gardening. That's my thing, my thing? This friend of mine, and gardening, this friend of mine whose girlfriend can sleep anywhere and be having like a dinner party or something and then she'll go and just lie on the couch and have a quick nap while everyone's still chatting and then she's up she's back. Wow. I wish I could do that. There's something nice about napping in a room

where other people are, you feel like a little kid on the sofa. You can hear the talking. You can hear the chatting in the background. Yeah, that's nice. I feel safe. I remember when Max and Finn were babies and I was in the writer's room for One Mississippi and so tired. Like, I know people talk about how tired they are,

but I mean really, you're up every hour feeding these little beaks, you know? Yeah. And then I'd have to be in the writer's room and then I would close my eyes. You know, when you're so deliriously tired, have I told this story before? No. It's a good one. Gather around. We're excited. But I would sit there in the room with all the writers. Thomas was there too. He was our writer's assistant and I would, I was so delirious, I'd be like, I'll just close my eyes and nobody, because two people would be talking,

and I'd think, okay, they're engaged, everyone's gonna be looking at them, so I'll just close my eyes. And then Stephanie would nudge me, and I'd be like, oh. Oh my god. Yeah. But, tired.

Well, it'd be nice if like in preschool preschool there's nap time and everybody rolls out their little mat and you get your little blanket. They should do that in writer's rooms. Well, you know in Spain they have siestas after lunch. Yeah. So there it happens. There it happens. There it happens.

There it happens. There it happens. Well, um. But my sleep is getting horny. So no naps for you no no Alright anyway, well that was a glorious episode It really was oh you know who sleeps anywhere though, and who's asleep now biggie in his bag in the car asleep right away I could be eyes

Watch your mouth you watch your your finger. Watch your mouth. Don't shoot here. He's full of life. I know. Aren't we all? What a treat you guys. Okay. It's a pleasure being in the room with you guys. I know. I love the gay energy that's happening in here. Yeah, we all came in just giddy as all get out. Yeah It's fun It's fun. as all get out. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. We all fall asleep. It's fun.

It's fun. Oh, you guys, anyone have anything coming up? I have Las Vegas at the Palazzo Theater June 14th in Lexington, Kentucky, Knoxville, Tennessee, Asheville, North Carolina, Lincoln, California, Edmonton, uh, San Antonio, Houston, DC, Atlanta, Boston, Chicago, fortunefamester.com for tickets. What do you got me?

I have tonight, June 10th. Wow. I am in San Francisco playing music. I'm going to play my whole album. Please come. Oh, fun. Don't remember the venue, but it'll be on maymartinmusic.com. Also- That must be your website.

That's my website. Also, May 12th, I'm in Portland. And May 13th, I'm in Vancouver at the Vogue Theater. And that one I would love to sell out if you're in Vancouver I haven't been there since I filmed my stand-up special there at that theater and come say hi. Oh and my series FUBAR Season 2 will premiere June 12th. June 13th. I'll be in Los Angeles at Largo and then June 14th. I think this is about almost sold out, but the Eureka

Springs Arkansas show. June 21st I'll be at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. That's all you really need to know. I'm just at tignotaro.com. That's my website. Awesome you guys. And if you just want to buy a book, I have a book that I wrote years ago. What's it called? It's called I'm Just a Person, which is true. It is true. Yeah, I am just a person. Well, I imagine that book is amazing now.

Yeah, it's really good. It is one of the best books I think ever read. Read and written. Read and written. No, it's an old book but I just thought I'd plug it just randomly why not right yeah get my old book New York Times bestseller these old hands wrote it but uh man was this a pleasure. What a pleasure. Oh, and if you like this show, subscribe. It's so important to subscribe,

and it's so important to give us comments and feedback, and tell your friends. Send this episode. Subscribe to YouTube and our audio channel, but share your favorite episode. Share this one. Yeah, all with a friend. Hang in your summer merch. We have, we have those amazing muscle shirts.

Uh-huh. For your muscles. Yeah. And they're very popular in summertime and at prides. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can wear it to T.E.R.R.I.K.A. Springs. Yeah.

We got those pride belt bags, too. Fanny packs, some people call them. Yeah. Well, until next time. Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, until next time, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First.

Like you know to check that you have fresh sheets and pillows for your guests when they stay the night, as well as the wifi password so they don't wake you up in the middle of the night to get it. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company

and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hi, I'm Jessi Klein. And I'm Liz Feldman, and we're the hosts of a new HeadGum podcast called Here to Make Friends. Liz and I met in the writer's room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder. But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s. Which can really happen and it has happened to us! It's true!

Because life has imitated ours. And then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle. And now! We're making a podcast that's about making friends. And we're inviting an incredible guest like Vanessa Barrett. Wow, I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow.

Feelings, they're a nuisance. Nick Kroll. I just wanted to say hi. And Matt Rogers. I'm like on the verge of tears. So good. So good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life. Take it out of the podcast studio and into real life.

Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating. Yep. Spousing. True. Parenting. Uh-huh. Career-ing. Yeah. And why we love film, and Louise and I is the greatest movie of all time. Shouldn't need to be said.

No, we said it. But it's just a true thing. So please subscribe to Here to Make Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts, and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.