Handsome - Ashlyn Harris asks about Handsome starter packs

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

The multitalented Ashlyn Harris asks a delightful question about what Tig, Mae, and Fortune would include in their "Handsome starter packs." Plus menopause moustaches, honking on the highway, and a visit from... the crap fairy!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's your friend Tignotaro sitting here with my co-host. May Martin and Fortune Feimster. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. If it's your first time, please sit down, make yourself comfortable. We are happy, happy you're here.

That's right. You found your way here to this little enclave of, Yes. Friendship and. Did you say Enclave? Yeah. Oh, no. Did I say something wrong already?

Well, I think it's two against one. I would bet it's too against one. Yeah, I do say Enclave, but that's all right. You have your Canadian spin. You know, I've never said it out loud before. I think I've only read it. Enclave. Yeah, that sounds better.

I only know it because, as I've told you all before, my mom used to refer to Provincetown as a gay enclave. Yes, yes. I recall. So that was always steered into my brain because of that. A gay enclave. A gay enclave, may? Not a gay enclave.

A gay enclave. Well, something that is in is Tiggs mustache. Metapause. Yeah, menopause is really busted through. Yes, it has. That's just like a thick five o'clock shadow above your lip. I have to shave it a couple times. A day.

Actually, it's very, yeah. Also, I'm Italian, so it's a whole situation. That's like handlebar mustache right there. Mm-hmm. That's something that someone would grab onto and take a good old... Yeah? Take a... Good old...

What? No. What? A good old. Take a good old ride on the mustache. Wait, what? A fortunate. Oh, really.

Okay, okay, okay. I tried not to say it. I don't know what was happening there. I thought, May, I thought you knew exactly where this was going. I thought you were going to say like a good old tug or something like that. What? No, just free mustache rides. It's just menopause.

Just menopause. It's a menopause mustache ride. Oh my God. I like that. But if you're new to the pod also go to YouTube, take, this isn't. just that TIG has sprouted a little bit of menopausal stash. There's a thick mustache happening. Yeah.

Well, you know, I'm 54. I did tell some of the other day I was 45, which is not true. Why did you say that? I got my numbers mixed up in like a clock heart kind of way. Yeah. I was like, well, I'm 45. And I was like, wait, I'm not. It's been a while.

You kept trying to find that person to correct yourself. Yeah. They're like, okay. Mm-hmm. How are you? you both. Yeah, how are you? How are you? Well, this is going to air quite a while after how we are today. Yeah. Yeah. But I'll tell you, I am happy to be home and warm and dry because I was on the Star Trek 60th anniversary Rose Parade Float. And it was pouring rain. Uh-huh. And it was cold.

Yeah. And, um, and, um, and, um, and, um, and, um, and. Yeah, I didn't know what I was quite in for. I was like, I don't know if this is really my style, but I'm going to go out of my comfort zone here and wave to people and say, Happy New Year. Smile and. Yeah. And then, guys, something very surprising happened. What? It made me emotional. Really? Yes. How so? Like the Grinch, like your heart grew three sizes. Yes. Well, I, well, I, I feel like I'm I'm pretty emotional. I'm pretty, not like hyper so, but things get me.

I didn't expect to get me. Yeah. What about it got you? There was such a mix of hope and desperation in people's faces for a happy new year. Oh, you know? And like when I was looking at these people who had made a decision to come out in the cold rain to stand for hours and wave. And this is not like just a parade full of celebrities and public figures. Some of it is just like a whole float saying come visit Louisiana.

Come visit Mississippi. And then this high school marching band. You know what I mean? It's like it's it's not celebrity heavy. It's like such a mix. Community. Yeah. And then to see people leave, I don't know why it struck me, but like when I really locked in with people's faces and eyes, I was really trying to really get them to have a happy New Year. Like when I was like, like, I would make eye contact and I would be like, have a happy New Year. I would just like, man, please. Like I, like looking into just faces of like the elderly, elderly. elderly, elderly.

And then also people that you could tell maybe didn't have a lot of money and then little kids and just, it just runs the gamut where you're just like, and they're all just being decent, wonderful people. And then you also see like these tatted up guys, tattoos up to their, up their neck. Like we've got to go to the parade today. But truly, like somebody where you would think, oh, this person might make me uncomfortable because they look like a tough guy. And then this guy is just waving with all of his heart and soul.

Like, happy New Year, like smiling so big. And I was just like, this is killing me. Yeah. This is killing me in the best way. And when I came home and told Stephanie that, she was like, that's so interesting. And I started telling her. And then she teared up. She was like, wow, I get it.

Like it's so crazy. Those little moments that you do not expect are going to get you. And then another fun surprise. What? So many handsome fans. No. Really? Screaming at me and having merchandise and T-shirts.

I guess did I mention it on here? Yeah, you did. Yeah. Oh, okay. And people are just like, they're keeping it handsome in the rain. And truly yelling from their rain ponchos, Keep it handsome! Like holding their merch and I just, it was really something.

Wow. Yeah. And of course it would have been all that much better if it wasn't rainy and cold. Yeah, did you have like a Star Trek themed raincoat or something? Do they give you something? They give you like a clear poncho and a clear umbrella and the rain kind of came and went. But I just kind of settled into, okay, I'm going to be freezing cold. Yeah.

And I'm going to be. live at the end of this situation. But it was not terribly comfortable. Right. But it was so worth it to see all of those, again, a mix between desperation and joy and mainly joy. It was just like, it was the best feeling. I would do it every year.

I would do it every single year. I'd wave on any flow. We should get a handsome flow. There we go. Well, I know you've always, I know you love parade. in general. You love it like, I love a parade.

Yeah. Don't rain on it. Yeah. Yeah. He attracted your parade. You know I love a parade. It's just like, don't rain on it. Well, they did today.

They rained on my parade. It's always reassuring when you get out and about or even at a comedy show or something. Like when people get together, it's like, especially it's January. It's dark. I think there's a lot of pressure to like hit the ground. I'm running in the year and like, oh, I've got to be thriving, but it's still winter. Like, things are dark and rainy. And if you're feeling low, this is a great advertisement for getting out with your friends

or going to, yeah, go see a movie where you're just with a bunch of people in one place. I say, go to a parade. Go to a parade. Go to a parade and wave for hours at people. And I'm telling you, it does the heart some good. And, yeah, I just. I now really love a parade. I love a parade too.

I haven't been to a non-gay parade in a while. Most of the parades I've attended have been for the gays. Sure. But this straight one sounds lovely. I've also done Mardi Gras parades. Like my hometown will have, they have their Mardi Gras parade, and I used to get on the float as a little kid and throw stuff. Yeah.

But this was a whole different thing. I've never been to a Mardi Gras parade. in New Orleans especially. Oh. But I'm intrigued because I've heard what the beads do when you throw those. What do they do? You get to see, you know. There we go.

You got, we were so wholesome. We were having such a wholesome and old mustache rides. I mean, you're making me say it. I'm trying not to. All right. You get to see. Mastectomy scars. You get to see.

dig old bitties. That's right. So sign me up for that parade for sure. See, I've done my share of New Orleans, Mardi Gras, but that's a little too much for me. I like a small town, Mardi Gras. Yeah, that one seems like it would be just like debauchrous crazy. Yeah. Like too many people.

I don't know if I would actually love it. Yeah. Okay. Imagine if, let's say, imagine like a family of four starts leaving. their house one morning and they just decide we're going to start a parade they start walking down the middle of the street and maybe they have a boom box or something how long do you think till people join like a conga line would anyone join i would just start marching down the street and you go hey come join in i need a sanction parade oh my god thomas put that on the list we should start a handsome parade

slash conga line oh my god how long it would take to get arrested i think in the right i think in the right city during the right season. Yeah. Especially if we went to like the gay area. I bet we just started a parade. I mean, you could start. There's parades that, you know, just pop out of nowhere. Yeah.

You know. I went to do a bunch of cities over the holidays and everywhere I went. They're like, when's handsome coming through here? Oh, really? And I'm like, everybody calm down. Calm down everybody. Do you think we'll ever do like a full on? tour like where we just hit a bunch of cities in one month or something you guys are good

tours like let me get back to you after this yeah this is my first know what you think oh right right little may how I hold up on me we'll definitely do one-offs here and there until that time yeah okay and then and then you never know may might fall in love with tori I might fall in love with touring that's right I might fall out of love with touring yeah yeah it always pulls you back in though That's it. I think so because you'll say like, I don't know if I'm doing this much longer. And then you're like, here's 10 more shows. I would love, I would do a tour with you guys if we had like a bus that had a fireman's

pole and two, two floors and two firemen. Yeah. Yeah. Just picking, pick and take up in their nightgown. Yeah. Whisking me away. Yeah. I did a, I did a New Year's Eve show.

Those are always fun. How was it? Where was it? In Seattle. It was incredible. The audience, like you were saying with like looking into people's eyes. Yeah. They very much, yeah, just like wanted to feel like kindness and love and happiness going into this new year.

And everybody was just very like, happy new year, happy new, you know. Yeah. Yeah, people want very much for it to feel lighter. Yes. Than it's been. Did you get to do the countdown? No, I did an earlier shirt. like a 7 p.m. show.

Oh, okay. They got to, you know, have a little festivity and they either go to bed or continue on with their nights. 10. Nine. Hey, I know, I should have done a fake count down. Yeah, 100%. I'm in the desert, guys.

Oh, how is that? It's really rainy and cold, but it's been... You should start a parade. Yeah, should I? Just me. I drove up here. That's the longest drive of... done. That was pretty wild. And then I got a bunch of friends and my friend, Atlanta,

actually, you know, Atlanta, Johnston. Yeah. She'd been nervous to bring her puppy, because he's puppy energy. And she was like, I don't know. It's a long drive. And then like, you know, what if he gets into stuff at the Airbnb? And then I kept saying, it's going to be fine. It's going to be great. He's, you know, he's a dog. He knows what to stay away from. And so we're in a fenced-in backyard here. And we had not been here eight minutes. when we hear and we look over and he has a cactus sticking out of him. I mean, like a ball of spikes just sticking out of his sort of haunt and he's just kind of trying to get at it. And then I really saw how bad I am in a crisis because she was holding him

still and I was like, I'm going to prick my fingers. Like it was so spiky. And when I felt how deep in him it was, I was like, okay, she can't know how deep. Anyway, and then she took control. deep. Just the spikes were like this deep in him. No. No. They were like, he really got in there.

Was he bleeding? No, he was actually fine after. As soon as we took it out, we made sure nothing was stuck. And he just licked it a bit and then he was totally fine. But she sprung into action all, like all business. She seems like an action springer.

A good, a good mommy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The desert. You have to, we took Biggie to the desert once and he kept getting into this,

one bush and he wouldn't leave it alone. It's because a lizard was in there and it, it like swatted at his eyeball. One of the dead eyes? Yeah. It had three. He was just trying to get some life into it. He kept like doing his eyelid and I was like,

something's up and I look at him and there's just three like lines across his eyeball. No. Yeah. And I was like, oh my God. So we took them, but they do like an ointment. And then he was totally fine a couple of days later. But man, there's all kinds of stuff in desert. Yeah, the desert's scary.

Yeah. When you guys go in a long drive, are you getting honked at or? Oh, me. Are you going to do slow? Do you guys have people swerving around you? Today, instead of our usual ads, we're bringing you a bonus listener question on the her hotline presented by her, the only app dedicated to sapphic dating. Let's hear our question. Hey, handsome podcast. My name is Veevi. I am searching for some advice. I am a sophomore in college,

and I've recently discovered that I am lesbian after many years of denial and confusion. Anyway, this wonderful person has come into my life, and we are wonderful friends. I so much value her. The thing is is that I have developed more than friend feelings, as my therapist would say, or just romantic feelings. And I don't know if I should tell her how I feel or just not tell her. I'm really, I really don't know what to do. Has anyone ever been there? And if so, I would deeply love to hear your advice. Thank you so much. All right, goodbye. First of all, congrats. Yes. That's exciting. I have strong feelings about this. Okay. I think, and this, not to be a downer, but I actually think, hold off for a minute because I think it's like an exciting moment in your life and you're discovering these things.

And it's easy to like sort of the first close friendships you make with queer people to sort of project onto it and think that this is the person. But you're young and you're going to meet so many people. and if the friendship's important to you, you could put vibes out and see if they're reciprocated. And I think if you put the, you know, I think it'll become clear if the feelings are reciprocated. But I think declaring it in a statement,

it's more important right now that you have friends and community and they're out there dating and it's easy to think, oh, it's got to be this person, especially when it's all new to you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. I think nothing wrong with putting a few like subtle vibes out to see if they're, you know,

Maybe that clicks, but less of a, like, formal, would you like to go on a date with me? Yeah. Maybe hold off on that for a minute and just allow yourself to kind of settle into this new discovery of yourself. And I know you're kind of antsy to like want to experience all the things, but I came out a little bit later and, you know, have that sort of ancyness. But you'll get to it. you'll have a lot of time like May said to experience these feelings and experiences. And maybe you'll go on the dating app and, you know, meet some other people in the process. And maybe it will end up being this person. But I just think, yeah, let time take its course.

Is that a phrase? Yeah. I hope that helps VV. And yeah, don't forget to check out the her app. It's the only dating app actually built for Safix by Sappix. Perfect for a restart this new year, especially since her isn't just swiping. It's a place to find real queer community with in-person dating events and queer community events. Restart this new year with her. Download the app today. I thought I did so great.

By the end of the trip, I was like, oh, my God, I nailed that. And Atlanta was like, but we had three separate people honking at us. I was like, yeah, but everybody gets honked. that. But no, I think I was too slow. What were you going? You know, it was night time on the highway in the desert. Maybe the speed limit's 60 and maybe I'm going 52. Okay. Yeah. 50. Yeah, they definitely want you to, I mean, I'm glad, listen, I'm glad you're being cautious because you're a new driver. Did you put the magnets on your car? I'm too embarrassed, Fortune. Come on, May. That's what those are for. The May's Christmas present was magnets that says new driver.

Be patient or something. New driver, be patient. I thought, I don't want to, I'm going to be a magnet myself. Guess who wouldn't have honked at you, those people? Do you think? I think. Now, here's my words of advice. I would try to just go the speed limit.

Yes, okay. And then also, here's a thing that drives me crazy on the freeways. Okay. And I don't know if you were guilty of this or not. I wasn't in your car. But a lot of people always forget that the left lane, that's the hammer lane. What's hammer? You go faster in the left lane.

Okay. That's where you'll find fortune burning rubber. That's right. Yeah. But it's also the pat, it's a pat, like, it's meant to be a passing lane as well. So if you're a slow, if you're a slow person, you got to go to the right. Yeah, but when you're in the right, then people are merging into that lane all the time. See, that's what you were doing.

You were in the left lane. That's why people were honking at you. The left lane, and people do this all the time, is the fast lane. It's the passing lane. It ain't the cruising lane. Okay. What about this? Oh, you know, May's in the cruising lane.

So if you're cruising, buds, you go to the right. But cruising for some chicks. Yeah. Yeah. So they're definitely going to honk at you if you're going slow in the left lane because that's the fast lane. What about, you know how when you're out of red light and you've got to turn right? It's just your personal choice if you want to turn right or not, correct? The standard.

thing that's agreed upon with everyone is that if it doesn't say no turn on red you and there's no cars coming you do turn on red okay so if you're just going no i'm going to chill then you definitely passed your test yeah listen there's a the thing about that about learning to drive is it doesn't prepare you for all the judgment calls like the yeah that is true second judgment calls but Anyway, I'm really loving it. Like then, so the other night, I by myself drove into Joshua Tree National Park and I went up to like by myself wound around and got out and sat and wrote in my journal. Look at that. Yeah, it was really dreaming.

Oh, cowboy. And I listened to one song. It was the first song I've listened to in the car. And it was, uh, take you like it. It's, it's Ramsey Lewis, uh, doing cry, baby cry by the Beatles as like a jazz song. And I listened to it and imagine me in the desert just blast in it. Okay. Yeah, it was good.

So I'm still trying to get a lot of firsts in with this car, you know. Well, yeah, you're still learning, but clearly if you're asking. Feel free to ask us any questions. Okay. Okay. And by the way, I did meet two people in one of my meet and greet lines that had the phrase, little cowboy, tattooed on them. What?

Mm-hmm. Tattooed on them? Two different, two different gals. But did they have it before? I don't know if it was permanent, but it was on their body. Whoa. And because we. What part of their body?

Yeah. Little Miss thing out on the road. The arm, one was an arm. And the other one told me she had one, but she would have had to pull her pants down. I bet. That old. Yeah. She's like, can you just step over here?

And I was like, whoa, I got to remember to tell you all that. Little cowboy. Wow. as a tat. Tattoos thing is crazy. A woman once had like under her butt crease had got feel good in the font of the show. Yeah. But that was pretty interesting. See, I got wayward under mine. Oh, you did on your butt crease? Yeah. Yeah. Under where your boobs used to be way. Way word. Yeah. Wayward chest. I know because I'm casual. about tattoos. Like it doesn't freak me out because I know I impulsively get tattoos. Sure. Sometimes it is a little, you don't know how to, someone once had it hashtag May Martin's

property. Whoa. And the hashtag is what freaked me out the most. Why? Not the rest of it? No, yeah, why did I say that? No, I guess the hashtag is worth all the rest of it was. Totally made sense. It was reasonable. The hashtag was weird. Now that pushed it into weird. territory. That's when I had a few questions. I was like, okay, you need to explain this hashtag. I really didn't know how to respond in the moment, though, because that's permanent. You can't go, what have you done?

Like, so you go, oh, wow. Yeah, you have to be into it no matter what. Wow. Okay. That's not into it. You can't be like, I like everything but the hashtag. Yeah, what's with that hashtag? That hashtag is freaking me.

out. But, but you're being my property, great. Yeah, get in line. Now, can you break down what it is that made you nervous or uncomfortable with a hashtag? Yeah, well, I think it could because think it's so modern. It's so like, it's not timeless. Like a hashtag is like at some point. Like if there was like a horse and carriage next to it. That would be more like it. Maybe like a little a monocle and a little. Oh, they've had this a while. Yeah. There's just something about the hashtag. It was like, too modern. Yeah, we might not even have hashtags in five years. Right, right. Don't say that may. Don't ever say that again. Oh, man. Not cool. I can't imagine a world without hashtags. Thank you, fortune. Listen, God willing, we will have hashtags until the day we die.

God will leave. We will have hashtag. Is it that we die? Hashtags forever. Thomas record this. Amen. Good Lord. Oh, by the way, our song was a hit. Oh, my God.

So how are you qualifying a hit? I had people stopping on the street the day it came out. I swear to you. What were you doing in the street? I was walking. And when I say people, I mean, one girl, But still, it was a day it came. So we had a song that we, the handsome man finally got together for and sang over the holidays.

And a bonus app for you guys. And she goes, I just heard the song. And my friends and I text each other. And we're like, oh, my God, we love this song. That's great. It's a hit. It's a real hit. It's got something for everyone.

As I'm accepting our Grammy Award, I'd like to thank Mr. Thomas. We need a new Grammy Award category that's like podcast hosts making songs for advertisers. It's really niche. It's just us. I don't know. I think our band has a real future. I do too. I think we got legs.

Well, we got gams, that's for sure. Yeah, we got wheels now. We got games. We got wheels. We got wheels, we got gans. We got two tits out of six. Yeah. Now also, when my sons heard the song and Stephanie, our whole house couldn't stop singing it.

Really? It is such a catchy tune. I bet if I had a family in my house, they'd be singing it too. Yeah, for sure. Why did I say that? Well, I'll just put in feelers out there. Yeah, just putting feelers out. If anyone has a family that wants May to show up and saying love a family.

I will show up. You would love a family for you? No, May would love. May said they would love a family. Oh, okay. Yeah, but you know what I got to make sure that it's not just that I want to like, oh, we're getting deep anyway. I got to make sure it's not just that I want to.

Dig deep, babe. Yeah, it's what we're here for a little cowboy. Hashtag May's property. Yeah. Hashtag girl? Hashtag girl dig deep. I don't know. I just got to make sure it's not just that I want to like practice devotion in a way.

You know what I mean? I got to be specific and discerning. You want to have devotion towards the right person. Is that what you're saying? You don't want to just be devoted to devotion. Yeah. And I never even thought I wanted a family until I met somebody I wanted one with. And so I'm like, okay, I can't now just be scattergunning saying, give me a family.

That's true. I got to stay discerning. Don't be scattergunny. No, I've never heard that. And then you meet somebody and sing, helplessly devoted to you. Yeah. So.

So because did you find yourself recently just like hoping to meet somebody with a, that you wanted to start a family with? Like, but not really being into the person. I just love, I do love love. And I, I can get almost spiritual about it.

Like that, especially with, you know, Yeah, like I think putting someone's prioritizing someone, putting their needs first, you know. But are you, are you into the, what they call love bombing? No, I'm not a lot of bombing. Well, maybe people would say that I have been in the past. In the past.

But not on purpose. I just get excited. You just love the love. You're like, this feels good. And here's a lot of love. And so what exactly is love bombing? I feel like I started hearing this a couple of years ago. Well, so the definition of the difference.

The difference between, like, affection and seduction is intent. So love bombing would be high warmth, low intent. So, or like, you know what I mean? Where you're, it's like constant texting, gifts, talking for hours, but you don't actually have an intention of a relationship. You don't know yet if you, how you really feel about that person. So you could go lukewarm, you know, sometimes the people go lukewarm on you. because then they realize they're not that into you

and then it leaves that other person going what just happened and you were like all about me and now you're like ghosting me. Right. So there's certain personalities that go in super hot in the beginning

and but they say things and I don't know if they mean it or not but they'll say things in the beginning of like you know I'll see my forever with you and like you're the love of my life But then, you know, it's only been like a couple weeks. Right. That would be because of the love on me.

For sure, that's a red flag. What if you're feeling that way and you're like all in? I think then you should say, hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, going. You're all in on your new little honey bunny. Yeah. And you're going nuts. You're just like, this is the one.

Yeah. And then? And then. Several mornings in a row. terrible breath. Oh. And it's not that you stopped liking the person. You're just struggling about...

It's one specific issue. Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. Well, if your intent was that you really were into that person, it wouldn't be love bombing. But now maybe you just don't feel as strongly about them because that breath be stanking.

And maybe if you really love them, you put a close pin on your... nose. Yeah. You put it close. Yeah. If you really love me, you tape up your own goddamn nostrils. That's right. Right. Is romance dead? Yeah. Well, I think we had one time someone asked about that on a mini episode. What are you showing off that you have a memory? Uh-huh. Like, what do you do when that happens? Do you tell them? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Remember? And you're a teller of things. You're like, hey you got a problem Hey stink breath

What I like doing is making it a joke You know Like Stephanie and I say The crap fairy swung by last night The crap fairy Yeah That sounds like you ate poop Exactly

That's how you tell someone You're like Because it made me laugh to think of It makes me laugh To think of a little fairy Just like a little You know Disney fairy and then like you're sleeping with your mouth open and she comes over and hikes her prom dress up.

Oh, it's her shit. And she. Yes. Yeah. It's the crap fairy came by. Oh my God. I love her. Yeah.

So. Yeah. That's good. So you make it a joke. Yeah. Yeah. If somebody told me the crap fairy swung by, which I've been told. Yeah.

Hey, guess what? They used that phrase. Yeah. Hey, guess what? Crap fairy swung by last night while you're sleeping. And it's just. funny, you know? If you can keep things light, then

it's on the delivery. You know that as a comedian. That's true. You don't have like really horrible intentions towards this person. You're just like, hey, how funny. It's like Tinkerbell who poops in your mouth. Tinkerbell is shit in your mouth.

You go, morning, looks like Tinkerbell shot in your mouth. It's all about the delivery. And they're like, hilarious. No, you have to say like it's exciting. Like, oh my God, you're not going to leave his song by last night. That's good. That's good. The crap fairy. She hiked up her skirt. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that when

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You don't run with those stinky crew. I know that. I don't know. I like a squeaky clean crew. Squeaky clean crew. Yeah. Except if some of your friends have good intentions, they're wearing that natural deodorant, which I do. Oh, you do?

Of course. Because it's so much... Some people that wear that stuff smell so bad. Well... Does it work for you? You've never smelled when I've been with you.

Hello. You always smell great. But sometimes people that... Maybe they're using a bad kind because... Well, stinky stinky. Mm-hmm. I used to have a joke about natural deodorant.

Yeah, tell it to us. Well, I would say... This is my early days of comedy. But I'm not saying I wouldn't say it now. So I use natural deodorant. So naturally I stink. Thank you. I like that.

Well, should we... Should we get to our question? Thanks, kitten. Yeah. Let's do it. Yes, sugar babes. Today's question asker is a former professional soccer player who played for the World Cup winning American team.

team in 2015 and 2019. And she hosts the podcast wide open with Ashlyn Harris. Ashlyn Harris is asking today's question. All right. Hi, friends. It's Ashlyn Harris here. And I have a question for you three. If each of you were to make your very own handsome starter pack, what ridiculous items would you insist have to be included?

A handsome starter pack? Yeah, it's a good question. Is this a starter pack to being handsome? It's probably whatever you interpret it. Yeah. I don't think Ashland's going to follow up and get mad at us if we... Hey, you three. That wasn't exactly what I meant.

Not what I meant. Can I talk to your producer? Okay, a starter kit for someone who wants to embody handsomeness? Yeah. Whatever that means to you. I like... There's something satisfying about starter kit. Yeah.

I don't think I've ever had a starter kit for anything. I'll get you one. Thanks. It's like a box of goodies. Yeah. I do like it when I get a box and there's a bunch of things in it. Yeah. Yeah.

Who doesn't? Mm-hmm. But like treats. I don't want like, you know. The objects? I want gadgets and objects. You want gadgets? I like treats.

Yeah. Fortune doesn't want to open a box and get like eye mask and, um. Oh, I like that. Oh, you do like that? Okay. And I'll get you an eye mask. All right. May, what's in your handsome starter pack?

In my handsome starter pack is, you know those toothpicks that are flavored like cinnamon? Yes, I do the green or the tea tree. Yeah, I haven't had one of those in ages, but that feels pretty handsome. Just one out of the corner of your mouth. Yeah, of course. Probably a whole podcasting system. Yeah. A microphone.

Yeah. Maybe like a good, I was going to say a CD, like for your car to play. Yeah, you got to get a CD. Get a CD for your car. Yeah. May's no fool. Get a mixed CD. May drives a car now.

May knows what's up with cars. May had a CD player put in there. Yeah. Yeah. You were going to, I think you were trying to say Spotify playlist, but no, a CD is way better. I want to burn CD like to, to, when you take a day. out in your car maybe yeah so maybe a mix CD and maybe some some little like boy briefs yeah it's got to

okay yeah yeah stick a charcoal in a sketchbook you know in case you see anything that inspires your handsome hands I'm running out what about have I missed anything I feel like yeah I can tell you right away oh what I miss just a whole suitcase full of mustaches yeah that's your hands like you're Yeah. Yeah. It's got to be a whole suitcase full of, or a briefcase, a briefcase. That's more reasonable. That's handsome.

Luckily, May gave you some mustaches for the holidays. Yeah, lucky for me. Luckily, that was your secret Santa gift. And you know what else was lucky for me? When I was nine, eight or nine, my stepfather, who my son's called Cowboy Rick, he was getting rid of his briefcase, and I was watching him clean it out to put his papers in his new briefcase. And I'm standing there, a little eight, nine-year-old girl, little girl, just watching this happen. And I said, Rick, what are you going to do with your briefcase? And he said, well, I'm just going to throw it out.

I said, oh, could I use it to carry my books to school? No. Yes. So I carried all of my schoolwork in a briefcase to and from school. Is precious. I mean, was that not my coming out party or what? There were also a few Star Wars action figures in there too. There's something that I feel like there's like Max and Finn are a chip off the ball.

Like there's something old, like old-timey about them. Oh. The briefcase is very... Max walks around... Max is very old-timey. He walks around our house, playing with his yo-yo. You know, he's just... He wants a paper route.

Yeah. You know? And he also... We have a... Our neighborhood has a little newspaper that comes out every week. Oh, really cute. He loves to sit down and read the paper. I just liked when the, when papers would get thrown on the porch,

like the thunk... noise and then getting the rubber band off it, that was good. Yeah. Wait, I can't just have mustache. Right, probably have a briefcase. Yeah, briefcase. Yeah, briefcase. You're a professional, handsome.

Got to have some natural deodorant. I don't know. I do. So I added it. Good for you. I'm probably going to use the aluminum. Yeah, we're going to secretly replace it with Gillette. You're probably going to want to have

a kitty city. Aw. In the briefcase? Well, no. Oh, the briefcase is around you. This is in my starter kit, May. Right. Didn't you hear the question?

I'm picturing it all coming in the briefcase, but the briefcase is just one part of it. It's just one part of the starter kit. Yeah, it's three cats and then four dogs. Wow. Wow. Yeah. In the starter kit. And also a mountain goat.

Where are the four dogs coming from? Where are you getting those? Oh, you know. A dog don't shop. Rounding them up. Yeah. For these kids. If somebody turns their head, I'm going to grab their little dog.

Just rounding up some dogs. Also, you need to have an acoustic guitar. I know you got your synthesizer, but you need your acoustic guitar. What would you play? Well, you know what I'd play. I'd play a little closer to fine. I'd encourage people to come to my window. Yes.

Is window vagina? Wow. Is it a euphemism or an actual window? May, do you want to get on another Zoom? Yeah, I'll send you a new link. God, you got so quiet. That's a fair question. This is a Christian show and you know that.

Come to my window. I'll be home soon. It makes no sense what you just said. No. Like, I'll be home soon. Like, remember me? Like, remember me? Wait, what?

Because you've been there because you've been there so much It's like home Okay so mustache is a briefcase Oh you know what I would sing With your accousy guitar Saying that I love you Is not the words

I want to say to you It's not that I want you Thomas, do you want to get on another link? But if you only knew how you it would be to show me how you feel Wait, where's the part

where he like can't hold back his heavy metal side? More than words. I don't know. Okay, because he's like, ever... Oh, he says... ever let me go, but he says it like, something like that. Thomas, can you pull it up?

I'm sorry. I just, and if you can find that part, the ever let me go. Extreme. Yeah. You know what I would. There's luscious locks. Yes.

If I had the acoustic guitar, I would say, I would sing, Sorry is all that you can say. You know that song? Yeah. But keep going. Forgive me. Forgive me. Oh, what a tune.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I like that. That's handsome. That's handsome. Oh, I don't know what. Otherwise, I would have sung it with you, my friend. Well, you can still chime in.

I would say we do it again. One, two, three. So I like share a little bit. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. I don't know it either. You're not helping.

Yeah, I don't know it enough. Okay. Also, we probably need a gavel. Oh, that's important. Yeah. And a pineapple. You need a gavel, a pineapple. Gotta stay a pineapple apart.

Yeah. And if you don't know what we're talking about, go back to episode one and catch up two now. That's right. Yeah. Sorry to yell at everyone. We haven't talked about being a pineapple apart in so long. No, because we haven't. That was a classic.

Do you remember the origins of it? It's your dance. Yes. My middle school dance. Yeah. And they told you guys that y'all had to stay a pineapple apart. And we went, what? And Ms.

had a pineapple and she carried it around and she would put it between us, us and the boys. I think she's thriving as far as I know. She was in a secret relationship with Ms. I should have seen this. Love a secret lesbian relationship back in the day. Wait, were they lesbian behind men's backs or just behind the school's back? I think the school. Travel companions?

Yeah, it was like an Anglican school and they were, yeah, they just, they were, everybody knew, but they just weren't open about it. Yeah, I think, I think, I think, yeah. I love it when two ladies that are single, doesn't run off together into the woods. I had friends in junior high school. Uh-huh. Who lived on the same cul-de-sac. No. And their moms.

No. We're having an affair. Oh, my gosh. This is the biggest small town gossip. I don't want people cheating. I'm talking about single people. I'm not, listen, I'm not here promoting cheating. Right.

I'm just telling you. I'm telling you what happened. That is scandalous back then. Okay, but listen to me. This was the 80s, okay? I know. And so these moms got together. In fact, I think I tell it as a story on one Mississippi when I act as a DJ.

So their moms get together. Wow. Leave their husbands. Whoa. And one. friend moves in she's their best friends the daughters are best friends the daughters who are my age wow so their parents break up and then the moms move into one house and so do the daughters and they don't know their moms are gay they're just like wow we get to have a sleep over every night this is awesome

we they just told the daughters y'all stay in this house and we'll go to no no no the daughters moved in with the two moms. Oh, and they still didn't know. No, and they stayed on the same cul-de-sac. Oh, my God. And then did the, what happened with the husbands? And they're still together. Oh, that's nice.

They are still together. And I remember as the years went by, every time I rang my friends doorbell and her mom came to the door, she got butcher and butcher every year. I'm picturing it as a montage. Hang on, I got to check my pager. The hair is getting shorter and shorter. Truly, truly. But they are still together to this day,

unless something happened in the past couple of years. But I don't think so. And they still live in that town? I don't know where they live. But I think, you know, everyone's come around and I think the dad's kind of like they get together for whatever, You know, it's crazy. It's, uh, it was Texas in the 80s.

Oh my God. That would have been the biggest scandal at the time. No, for sure. Did the kids at school find out or did everyone just think they're roommates? I think everyone just thought they were roommates. I mean, I didn't quite, I didn't even know I was gay and I was just like, why is my friend's, my friend's mom just seems different. I just couldn't put my finger on what was happening.

She seems handsome all of a sudden. Yeah. And then I hung out with my friend. one of my friends, years later, like in our 20s, and she just told, she was like, oh, my gosh. And then it caused weird friction with her and her friend because, you know, there were secrets. Nobody understood it was going on. But everyone was doing their best. I'm sure everyone's still doing their best.

Yeah. But it was really, it was very bold. Very bold. Very bold. And not common in the area. Thomas, did you find the extreme song? Back to that. Okay, this is where...

We're trying to find the moment where his voice becomes... He goes from like soft... How I feel. No, where he says, never let me go. Oh, yeah. Never let me go. I just did that. But it goes from like an acoustic sing-along to I can't hide that I'm metal.

Did it happen already? No, you'll know. Okay, wait. Okay, here comes. Everyone relax. Let's listen. No, that's not it. No, but I'm enjoying this.

It was delightful. And, you know, he became the final lead singer of Van Halen. Really? Oh, really? I didn't know that. Yeah. That's cool. It went David Lee Roth.

Then I went Sammy Hagar. Huh? We didn't hear the, we didn't find the part. No, it's never let me go. We cannot move on. Why don't I tell you mine? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great idea.

I haven't thought about it at all, though. Oh. Should we go back to Thomas? No. Well, I feel like, I do like our original. handsome us in suits. Oh, yeah. So that's a good look.

I think we got to have a suit in there for sure. Yeah. And you guys smell good. I want to smell good. So not the natural deodorant. People can hear you even when you whisper like that, fortune. I'm going to put in my cologne Montblanc.

Yeah. That's the cologne that I like. It's a cologne. Like men's cologne? I sure do. Get on up here. in my nook, girl. Oh my God.

I wear flowery. No, I don't wear anything. You wear, I wear polon. I don't really like scents. I like to smell good. And so that's definitely one of my handsome pack. Okay. Biggie, since you're bringing a bunch of random dogs, I might as well bring Biggie.

They're not random. I love each and every one of them. It feels like you just grabbed a bunch of dogs. When people weren't looking. But Biggie's going to be there and he's going to have a little suit too. And his suit's going to match my suit. Oh, my Lord. We're going to be so handsome.

And Fortune, just because I practiced puppy snatch when no one's looking doesn't mean I'm not attached to these dogs. I know how you are with animals. I get it. I'd also have a nice pair of sunglasses, ones that I hopefully didn't break with my belly. Yeah. And them sitting on my lap. So some sunglasses. And probably some curl cream for me.

Keep those curls. Curles. Tartre. I got to keep them curls tight. Yeah. And a vibrator. Fortune. Oh.

Yeah. Vibrator is a good idea. I like that it's kind of transgressive. It's like the way to be handsome is a dainty little vibrator. It's a little tiny one. All my keychain. What about a strap on? I'd have a, I got, I'm putting a big.

I'm putting a big old strap on in there. I'm sorry, but I got to. Dick, if you don't Mamary right now, it's the most handsome thing I do. If you don't Mamary, right this instance. Oh, Tom, thank God. Where to God. Thomas has got this cue lined up that I don't even really understand what we're looking for, but.

Does Thomas have rock and roll? I think I can't believe you to give a Mamary on that. You have to like tee it up with like some really nice. lead in and then, oops, I'm actually heavy metal is the moment. Okay. Look how handsome he is. Here it comes. Stop singing.

I can't help them, man. Here. Yeah, wow. Okay, I heard it. He's like, yeah, I wrote this. I think it was confusing because you said, never let me go. And it was, don't ever let me go. Fortune.

Fortune. Step away from the mic. Take five. Yeah, take five. Go on a little walk. We didn't know what you were referring to. Okay, well, this is the guy. Don't ever let me go.

And then he goes back to, you know, he's got his little acoustic song, but you can't hide rock and roll. No, can't, baby. You can't hide it. That's what this mustache is. Is there anything else that we've left? left out of our handsome starter packs.

Well, I kind of, I want to hear what Ashlyn has to say. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Ashland's good looking. Very good looking. Just like me kind of look similar. Yeah.

We all, like if you merged our faces, we actually have curly hair as well. So it's just very similar. You think three of us blended equals Ashley's hair. Yeah, if you just kind of like squint. Put all of our faces together. We all have chiseled features. We'd all be as attractive. I want to see it.

All right, let's hear it. So I would say a gallon-sized water bottle because at this point, it really is my personality. And I'm either highly over-prepared or deeply under-prepared and there's really no in-between. Oh, stand hydrated. My starter pack would have to include chapstick. Yes. Oh, without it. Yeah.

I think my last item for my handsome pack would be a sexy tool belt because I don't really know how to use a drill, but I like to look capable. Yeah. Yeah, nobody's going to look at Ashland and think, this chick can't handle a drill. That's right. No, I, but yeah, I like that. I like the tool belt. What was the first one? Oh, yeah, water staying hydrated.

Also, what tool belt isn't sexy, Ashland? That's my question for you. That's a good question, too. Thank you, Fortune. You guys know what else should be in the handsome starter kit that I forgot about? Madlibs. Al. My de puffa.

The puffa. Hey. Yeah. You're so right. Hey, mama's the puffa. You can't have any bags in your eyes when you're trying to be handsome. No. No.

May. Ashlyn has a chapstick, but you have your lip taint. I have my lip taint. Oh, you have my lip taint. Oh, you. also got your clear stuff that goes on your face. Clear my eye laches. Clear eyelashes. Clear mascara. My eyebrow tint. Yeah. Tins and tints. Yeah. Tits and taints. No, not tits and taints. Tints and taints. I thought you were saying tits and taints. Well, there's more merch for us. And big old, you know what is in there too. Guys, do we? That's in there.

the tool belt that may's wearing. Yeah, that's in my tool belt. Do you know what? Do we get underwear, a ponty's made. We're in the front by the crotch. It says, Grandma's problem area. And in the back it says taint. Yes.

Lip tight. Or just taint anyone. How about at the top of the ponties where the elastic is, it says, grandma's problem area and then it has an arrow pointing down. That's strong. I like that. You work on that design. How about that little tidge? It's done. The design's done.

Yeah. No, we thought it all out. Printed. All we need is a seamstress. Oh, my God. Someone to make the ponty. All of our merch is made by a seamstress, right? Yes.

I think it's mainly the mice on Cinderella. Yeah. Well, I got another order for the handsome guys. And then we write taint with a question mark on the bottom. Okay. Hop to it, guys. Hop to, hop too. Okay. Also, I just want to make sure everyone is aware that there's some changes.

I know we have to wrap up here, but I know I've been calling my house Kitty City. Yeah. And Kitty City is also the gaggle of three. Uh-huh. But I also want you to know there's a new name that I've seen. started. Oh, okay. And it has really taken off. Because these three cats follow each other everywhere and they sleep and lounge on the bed all day and night, the three of them all together. Yeah. And I call them, hold your ponties, exhausted sausages. Oh, that's good with the accent,

too. Yeah. Exhausting sausages. I'll just take pictures and send them down to Stephanie. I'm like, look at these exhausted sausages. Anyway, so I just want to let you know there might be some mention of exhausted sausages. That's going to, I feel like that'll catch on with listeners. Like I sing morning fruit most days and people, I see post about it.

I feel like people are going to start thinking that when they look at their cats. Yeah, because it can just be one. And it can also be a dog. It can be a cow. They're just. Could be a person. That's right. An exhausted sausage.

Yeah. And I feel like it's the closest to Eminem I'll ever be because, you know, Eminem can make anything rhyme. Yeah, he can. And I did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, that is actually a very Eminem style rhyme. Very Eminem. Yeah.

And I know that because my son's listened to Eminem. Yeah. There's vomit on my sweater already. Mom spaghetti. Spaghetti. I'm exhausted covered in sausages. Sausage. With chicken palm in my.

Sausage. Sausages. That was a fun up. Yeah. It was a real. A pleasure. Yeah. What do you guys have coming up?

Well, I had to unfortunately reschedule a few shows because I'm filming this movie. So we're sorting that all out. But I've got Ben Salem, Pennsylvania, which is my Philly stop, February 13th, doing the Beacon Theater on Valentine's in New York City. So join me for some of that. Love in the Air kind of night. And then Burlington, Vermont, San Diego. Fayetteville, Arkansas, Little Rock, Arkansas, those are coming up. You can go to Fortune Feemster.com.

I got this tour coming up. If you go to Maymartin.net, all the shows are listed there. I also, on the podcast, I said very confidently, guys, I really need to sell some tickets in Austin. I don't have a show in Austin. Oh, my God. That must be why the tickets weren't moving. Yeah, the show, I got a message from my tour promoter going, hey, May, Houston is the kind of slow show, not Austin.

You're not actually playing Austin. So yeah. There you go, Houston. Come out in Houston. But maymartin.net, I'm going to be on the road so soon. How about you, TIG? Also, we're all on the road. Well, I've got Fayetteville, Arkansas, February 19th.

I got Oklahoma City, February 20th. I got Midland, Texas, February 21st. And the list goes on and on. Please visit tignotaro.com. And if you have not watched the Andrea Gibson documentary called Come See Me in the Good Light, you better get on it. It's good. I'm very proud of it.

I produced it. It's on Apple TV. Also, we've been talking about merch, but we have amazing new merch, really niche. Like if you wear this stuff out in the world, I don't know what people are going to think. You're going to attract other handsome listeners, though. We have Frow Trafea shirts, which I'm thrilled about. I am too.

to this Dance Academy. We have peanut butter bitch t-shirts. Yeah, peanut butter bitch. I can't wait for that one. Those are going to sell like crazy. And we have Fortune Marie exclamation mark t-shirts. Oh my God. Please get these.

Send us pictures of you wearing them. I think it's so funny. And you can go to handsomepod.com for all that stuff. And by the way, we have these because everybody on her Instagram page kept telling us they wanted these. And we listened. So we listened and are delivering. based on y'all's feedback.

Yeah, and send our new song around and let's make that a Christmas classic. Get it on the charts, just like where I carry. Yes. And until next time, Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feamster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at handsomepod. At gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at Handsome Pod. What a podcast. What a podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.

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