Handsome - Bella Ramsey asks about biting things

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

Bella Ramsey (The Last of Us, Game of Thrones) poses a delightfully biting would-you-rather to Mae, Fortune, and Tig. Plus Olan Mills, little pieces of wood, singalongs, and more!WE HAVE MERCH! handsomepod.comHandsome Live Streaming Show Dec 18! Tickets: dynastytypewriter.comHandsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey there, handsomes and pretty little ladies. You're about to hear a very silly episode featuring a question from the one and only Bella Ramsey. But before you hear that, just a reminder that if you're enjoying the podcast, tell your friends. Send them a link to your favorite episode or a link to the show in general. If you want us to keep making handsome,

sharing the show is the most helpful thing you can do. And don't forget to rate the show. Also, follow us on social media at HandsomePod. HandsomePod. Chatting to friends on the HandsomePod. Chatting to friends on the HandsomePod. Cheers. Hey there, it's Tig Notaro. Welcome to the Handsome Pod.

I'm sitting here with my very handsome co-hosts. Mae Martin. And Fortune Feimster. And we're back at it. We're back, baby! We are back, little babies. Are we ever. I just went and got coffee.

I am on the road and two lovely listeners said, we love handsome. They didn't. While you were out getting coffee? Excuse me. You're choking on the coffee. Fortune. Fortune. Guys.

Fortune. I got choked up about that moment. Yeah, while I was getting coffee They said we love handsome That's incredible I love hearing about handsome out in the wild Me too And what city are you in? I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina

It's very wild down there That's right You never been to North Carolina? No I really want to What is it mountains what do you got mountains we got everything we you got wild horses running on beaches down there that's on the east coast well whatever so may north carolina is very wide the west part is the mountains the mid part's just whatevs and then the eastern part is no offense mid part no these are why would you school in the

mid part it's great raleigh all that stuff a lot of universities um eastern part beaches wild horses running around on the beach i mean that's ridiculous yeah wait i didn't take it in when you said it the first time wild horses that's right may and okay if these horses are so wild how come they don't go to other states is it an island though i can't remember i don't know that's not my that's a may fact that's not i'm here to say there are wild horses and you can't apparently you can't drag them away from their little island. Yeah, they love it. Wait, you don't know if your state is an island?

No, my whole state is not an island. Sure, not an island. But there is an island off of the state. Okay, with wild horses. That you can't drag away. Which reminds me of a song. Two, three, and... Wild horses. that you can't drag away which reminds me of a song two three and wild horses

drag me away what are we putting on a handsome album for some reason when I'm picturing these wild horses on this island I'm picturing Richard Gere kind of hanging out with them I don't know why I like that I think wild horses I this island i'm picturing richard gear kind of hanging out with them i don't know why i think like that i think wild horses i think richard gear i don't know why that is well listen if anyone can tame a wild horse it's richard gear am i right handsomes you're right so how long are you there i leave tomorrow and then head to michigan now is michigan an island

michigan not an island but it gets they have an upper peninsula yeah they do have an upper peninsula that's right on the canadian border their lake is so massive there are many lakes how massive is it she's teeing us up for a good one may what is it ontario lake ontario which one is it lake michigan like michigan good lord i'm the one with a seventh grade education it's ginormous it feels like an ocean but guess what it's not it's not i prefer a lake to an ocean. Me too, Mae. Yeah, I am scared of the ocean.

And I like knowing that there's a border somewhere. How would you feel if you were out on the beach and a wild horsey ran up to you? Oh, my God. And just nuzzled me with its nose. No, turned around and kicked you. Oh, and I'd be like, hey. You would say, hey and the horse would be like where did someone say hey hey you wouldn't jump on and ride bareback is that an option with a wild horse yeah i would everything's an option i mean you're on a beach a horse just ran up to

you there's no rules you're a little cowboy yeah where's richard gear in this scenario is he there to help you would be riding behind richard gear with your arms around them yeah i'll do that topless and y'all both are topless yeah oiled up for some reason cowboy hat topless cow topless. Low cowboys. Sort of leather chaps. Yeah. Bare back, bare chest. Yeah. That's handsome.

I think I understand why I'm thinking about Richard Gere. It's because of this movie, Runaway Bride. It just occurred to me that there's, isn't there a horse in that? Yeah, there's like a horse situation where she's always on a horse running away from marriage right and then he's like chasing her on the horse or something like that yeah was that real or was that i can't remember if that was a figment of her imagination a figment of her figment yeah it was a figment

yo when i'm in north carolina i don't enunciate that's fine you don't do it otherwise either now dare you I have to tell you something about myself and Richard Gere okay whoa okay yeah everyone wake up and focus alert I got a call I don't know maybe it was a year and a half ago that they were reviving Chicago oh my god where is this going and Pamela Anderson was Roxy this is oh yeah on Broadway that's in her documentary that's inspired casting yeah well guess take it up another notch guess who was asked to do the richard gear role shut up wait i'm waiting yes yeah and you said no no i didn't say no i said oh my gosh i can't sing or dance. But I'll take it. But I'll take it.

And then... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But they were going to help me with my singing and dancing because I guess his singing is a little like talk singing. Yeah, and his dancing's sort of reserved. Yeah, and they thought it would be really fun if Pamela Anderson and I were in those roles and then Stephanie pulls me aside as I'm as I'm because I was truly like my head was I was

blown away by this you know they they were essentially saying I could help with the the show launching and I wouldn't have to do the whole run. Right. Oh, my God. This is a dream come true for me. And then I was so excited because I thought, this is so out of my world, but also excited me. Yeah.

And then Stephanie pulls me aside and she's very Broadway. She's very musical, show tunes, all of that. Not me. And she said, here's the thing. If you do this, you cannot do it tongue-in-cheek. You can't. You have to walk out on that stage with full confidence and you need to sing and you need to dance and you need to deliver it for the Broadway audience because

you can't be like winking at everybody yeah she was like when you walk out there in your suit and you're dancing and singing, you have to really deliver it 110%. Yeah. It is not, it's not the comedy world. It is people are there to see you sing and dance and really deliver. Yeah. And that scared the hell out of me. I'm out well no i really wanted to do it but my schedule was so busy that i didn't feel like i could put in the time to really

sing and dance but if you think i didn't want to do that especially with a fellow vegan oh my god a fellow vegan oh my gosh y'all could God, a fellow vegan. Oh my gosh. Y'all could have made so many dishes together. Oh my gosh. If not just one. But I was so excited to do it. But Stephanie was right. She was right.

There's a specific song that I'm thinking of in that musical where the Richard Gere character sits down and I think Roxy or Velma is like on his lap like a puppet yeah yeah I'm picturing you and Pamela doing that it's wild oh my gosh if you think I

did not want to do this we know we don't think you did not my wife my dream gave a hard pass on it yeah yeah I had a similar thing but a whole different vibe uh when the is this richard gear related no but it is dude related okay when dude related when magic mike uh magic mike live first came on the vegas scene the movies were a big hit you know and they were like we gotta get these dongs on a stage fortune fortune sorry penis fortune you guys god why do you insist they wanted an m. They still, they have an MC, but they wanted me to be the MC that kicked off Magic Mike Live. So I would have had to pretend

to be in Da Dong's fortune. That would have been incredible. That would have been so good. Can you guys imagine me in Vegas? She's like, ladies, ladies, ladies. Who's ready to get their grind on? Yes, I can.

I really can now. Especially with the headset you have on right now. I'm wearing a headset today, you guys. I look like an airplane pilot. If not an employee at Old Navy. Can we get some more khakis back here? Khakis backies. my apologies that was pretty good it was back it was pretty good yeah i was actually offered the part of frodo baggins

in the lord of the rings and i was like that would mean no it's not funny there has to be something you were asked to do this episode is all about what could have been yeah well okay yeah may what could have been what could have been what is it little cowboy well i'm just thinking that when i was a kid i auditioned for oliver twist the stage musical and i was 10 or something and i auditioned to play the artful dodger and it was me and a bunch of little boys and i made it to the like the final four or something and i was so pumped to be that you know the artful dodger was he i don't consider yourself no what is that i love may's english accent i could listen to it all day. It's very good. Yeah, and then they never told me that I didn't get it.

So I told everyone at my school that I got it. And I went to summer camp that summer. And I thought, well, I guess I'll be doing that. I won't be going to school anymore after this. And then I got back and I still hadn't heard. And then I only found out when I saw the poster, like the play had started already. Bastards. I know. You would have been great for that show.

Thank you so much. You were made for that. I was made. Made. God it's early. Guys look I got something to show you. Do you want to see something? Yeah sure. Always. Okay. I gotta take the headphones off so I won't be able to hear you for a second. Okay. Let's

dish fortune. Let's dish fortune let's okay oh no my gosh no way no we're gonna have to show our handsome listeners the video of this oh my lord dreams come true i've never felt more myself i kind of feel like it should be like sideways yes of course it should tell our listeners what you have on your head i'm wearing it's a hat yeah you ruined it a baseball cap with a little uh propeller propeller and i've never felt more confident may this is your brand. This is my brand. You do have that thing where, you know, obviously you have sex appeal, but you are. Tig. No.

May has a lot of sex appeal. Listen, listen. May's like a GQ. I am not trying to be inappropriate with our friendship here. You have no concerns. May, you're looking real good. I don i don't understand out of it they're mine ladies we've been talking about it on the podcast i've been treading water lately. Just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something

that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now, I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic, and it's great. My skin feels better. I feel better. It's just good. So trust your gut with Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic.

with Seed's DS01 Daily Symbiotic. Go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seed's DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome, code 25handsome. I love the show, Hacks, and it is back, baby, for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Debra Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now season two left off with Ava being

fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks guess what it's on max you can catch up and I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts there is also an official Hacks podcast in each episode Hacks creators Lucia Agnello Paul W Downs and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts. I don't get though how the two things can coexist that you're saying I got this appeal, but then also you're like, this is you,

the propeller is you. Here's the thing. I think we all have it in our own way. It's a superpower that you can be seen in these different ways. Because I can look at somebody that's like, oh, I've got a thing for me. And I and then I glance at you and I and I don't think well, that's weird. You know, I get it. And then when little cowboy puts on the propeller hat, it makes just as much sense. And, you know, it kind of reminds me and this is very sad and unfortunate, but I dated somebody. It pains me to say this because I do feel like it's hard for me to think any child isn't cute yeah yeah oh here we go she showed me photos of herself as a kid and I I'm so it pains me to say this dude and listen for saying this thank you for saying this because it happens rarely i've i had you could show me a

child that i don't care what is going on with this child the child precious precious being there was something vacant or i don't know what it was where i and i'm I I would normally say cut this out but I'm just gonna go ahead and let it be but I did not think this person was cute as a child and I that is and it made me feel pain and then it also made me feel a little more distant from her whoa yeah I really I really know what you mean and but I wonder if that was a symptom of like feelings you were already having because I think so like I know that I'm like crazy in love with someone if I see a picture of them as a kid and I die like and I'm like yeah yes you know what I mean yes oh man yes I mean when I saw Stephanie's baby pictures. I didn't even know.

My brain couldn't even comprehend what I was looking at. And here's maybe what it is. Is the picture that this girl showed me from her childhood, it was a little too posed and staged to be like perfect cute. Yeah. Well, then don't look at my childhood photos. Okay. okay you were when I was little little I had a bonnet holding a rose oh I'm I'm in it was uh Olin Mills

was our big photographer here okay I'm gonna share it with you guys I would be all in on that one curl coming why would you need more now fortune speaking of Olin Mills, and Mae, I'm sure you're not familiar, but is it a Southern thing? It might be. Like you go to the mall, there's like a dark backdrop, and your whole family dresses in their church clothes. Regardless of your beliefs. Denomination, yeah, yeah yeah these are our church

clothes and you take a family photo and then everyone gets solo portraits okay yeah and they have their signature gold cursive writing at the bottom olin mills it looks like we have a new sponsor now i want to tell you the only olin mill I did was as a young adult. I was very familiar with Olin Mills, but my family wasn't a very like, she got a free package to have Olin Mills pictures made. We set our alarms like 30 minutes before our picture was supposed to be taken. And we showed up. Oh, what? Well, as a bit. We showed up with our hair so crazy, we look half asleep.

And we went and brought every prop into the photo. Like we had a big wicker chair that I was sitting on. I had shorts and sandals and a t-shirt. My hair was going everywhere. And Shannon was peeking her head around the big wicker chair and we just did all sorts of different things and the photographer was so annoyed. Imagine if you agreed to do Chicago and then you showed up to the first rehearsal and the director was the photographer from Olin Mills from that day

and he's like, this person is not going to take this serious. Here she is again. Here she is. Like we wanted those little blocks that, you know know you stand on behind something to make you taller we use those in frame and everything we just used every prop that we could and we thought it was so funny to show up looking like hell i want to see those pictures Did you have any family photos like that May? No never professional like that. I didn't know if Canada had some sort of.

Cameras. Canada didn't have cameras per se. But there is a lot of Santa Claus pictures. Like I think I got. Oh yeah. I definitely have one of me and Santa Claus. There's one of me and my brother. And all of his best friends who are these three brothers.

They were like our family friends. And I'm just one of the boys. And I'm so excited to be with Santa Claus and all of his best friends who are these three brothers they were like our family friends and i'm just one of the boys and i'm so excited to be with santa claus and all the boys and i i like that picture me and santa and the boys what i want from this propeller hat i think you should do a photo shoot now in one of your suits where you're looking super handsome but also have on this hat guys really you know also thomas put this on the list sounds like an olin mills portrait is in our future for the three of us god we have we gotta head down south and we gotta get an olin mills portrait done let's take handsome on the road little cowboy has the propeller hat i also want to do those old timey cowboy ones oh yeah yeah yeah but i also i got extra propeller hats if you guys want them

yes please we're gonna need to have a handsome picture in those well definitely at the live show we should all be we should wear them and we'll get our um those cowboy shots to submit for our walk-on role to Yellowstone. And all three of us should be in one of those lady dresses where the back poofs out. Yes, the many-layered fro. The pretty little ladies. Yes, have come out for the handsome pun. Yeah.

We have so much to do, you guys. Well, I talked to Thomas about it the other day, and we're going to set a couple of days aside With a film crew and we're going to get These different little things for our Our listeners I'm really up for that Well I talked to Natalie Mains after that pod aired

And she goes You guys didn't even comment on my number one Jason Segel I was like well we were I think we were more surprised like i bumped into him the other day you did did you tell him that natalie that he's natalie manes's number one pig no no i talked about my acai bowl i should have talked about natalie manes he's a very nice man i think well because one of the activities we said we do is go on dates all of us oh we all we need to go on a triple date with

nick nick off he needs to find out about it yes yeah yeah well i hope natalie will forgive us she will she'll be fine i'm trying to find this picture from when i was a kid uh you know i'll find it later and show you no we could just record dead air while you while you scroll through i want to find this picture because it's how i feel inside like and i think that when people look at me they see this person oh really i basically look like is it the secret garden where there's the little boy in the and in the wheelchair and he's or is it a little girl in the wheelchair? I can't remember.

It's a little person. I just know, Come to my garden. Rest here for a while. I don't even know what you're talking about. Much less the theme song. It's a musical. Yeah, I already said I'm not a musical. Stephanie is the musical person.

I know. Go, Grease Landon. Oh, that's only the finest of musicals. And tomorrow, tomorrow. I can't believe you didn't take that part. Little orphan Tiggy. This is me. Little orphan Tidgey. Little orphan Tidgey. We got to write that. little orphan tiggy this is me little orphan tiggy little orphan tiggy we gotta we gotta

write that we gotta write that musical right put that on the down thomas what were you gonna show us your picture yeah i just look at the size of my legs and this is and i used to make my dad carry me around like this oh you are adorable so you see yourself as that being carried around i see myself as this little spindly creature like a little spider monkey it's so funny because you are very handsome i was told the other day someone noticed that i'm walking on my tiptoes like around my own house and i think it's because i'm just don't want to bother anyone. I'm being quiet. No, it's because you're a little cowboy. I'm used to my stirrups.

Well, yeah, you're used to your stirrups, and you're just too tiny. I'm too tiny? Yeah, you're just too tiny. You've got to get yourself up on your tiptoes. Yeah, I can't see over the counter. You can't see over the horse's head. I saw a picture of myself on stage, and it looked like I was also on my tiptoes, but

I don't know why. It's a good place to be up there. I guess. It's such a difference. Like your flat foot and then you go up on the tiptoes. Life looks very different up there. I'm trying to ground myself through my heel and be more grounded in my root chakra and be like taking up space you know

making noise stomping around my apartment i i pay rent yeah yeah yeah you don't have to tiptoe yeah and speaking of i'm sorry no i was just gonna say get those uh loud shoes out that wasn't worth it everyone make way for this go Go on, Fortune. Get those loud shoes out. Hey, why don't you get those loud shoes out? Maybe some clogs? When Stephanie and I went to her sister's wedding, I said, get my black lace-up shoes for me. She said, which ones?

The one with the little piece of wood underneath? Oh, my God. And I i said you mean a heel and she goes yeah whatever she's so gay whatever a little piece of wood like a heel i felt like i was dealing with pinocchio's grandfather i don't a little piece of wood wow and so gay now it's only like half an inch heel it's just a shoe a kitten heel it's a kitten heel did you wear a kitten heel fortune i did please god let you wear a kitten heel. Tig, did you wear a kitten heel? Fortune, I did. Please, God, let you wear a kitten heel. It's something even old Richard Gere would have worn, the little piece of wood under the shoe.

Oh, just like a little something. Did she think that you'd glued it on yourself? I don't know what she was thinking. She shrugged it off like i was crazy for even questioning her asking if it was the pear with the little piece of wood under whatever whatever tomato tomato may have you ever worn heels oh the last time was when i was 15 for a comedy sketch yeah but i i never not never never won for it myself i can't walk in them i don't know how people do it i think it's crazy but i i miss those like foam platform shoes those like that the spice girls would wear oh yeah there was this uh some kind of party in grade eight and i went to a hairdresser and got my hair done in baubles like scary spice nice I wore platform

shoes and like tear away pants like with poppers on the side that was one of my best looks I love that well Thomas put that on the list too we're all gonna three walk in heels yeah maybe we should race in heels that's it oh yes you got it Jax broke her elbow wearing heels. That's it. Oh, yes. You got it. Jax broke her elbow wearing heels. Well, that's her problem. But listen. That's her problem. The three of us racing in heels. You are going to break bones, Tig.

You're right. Okay. I'll blow the whistle and you too, race. You know what's a good alternative? A wedge. Okay, girlfriend. Okay, pretty little lady a wedge is like not the pointy heel look at us trying to be like we know what heels are that's actually a wedge yeah it's a wedge it's a nice cork bottom remember you have a headset on hello can i get that cork wedge to the front aisle two

this truly happened last night that i was my hands were very dry i think i've been having too many baths or something and i go to my girlfriend do you have any hand cream and she goes hand cream and she was like you said hand cream yeah i was like no i didn't i bet you did i bet you did too yeah we've heard you say ponties you say ponties i'm sure you said hand cream get your hand out of my ponties get your hand can i have some hand cream can i get a size eight panties on aisle one? So say hand right now. Hand. Hand. It's hand.

Moving on. Anyway. I guess we should get to our question. Oh yeah, I'm excited about this. We have a question from bella ramsey who's my pal an english actor you're gonna know bella from game of thrones they played liana mormont am i saying i haven't seen game of thrones oh it's so good really i know i would love it uh and then they play ellie in the hit hbo show the of Us, which is a zomb show, as you know. Zomb show, and Bella killed it.

Oh, fuck, it's good. It's so good. Yeah, and I'm a big zomb fan, and it's just very, very good. They were nominated for an Emmy for that. Wow. And this is their question. Zomb.

Hello, handsome podcast. This is Bella Ramsey. Okay, this is my question. Would you rather bite a towel or bite foil? Because I've got this theory and I need more data. So let me know if you could bite both a towel and foil or if one of those is absolutely abhorrent to you. Please.

Oh my God. I lovella's voice yes i thank god someone finally asked this question this is why bella's uh very popular and working because that's a cool voice oh very cool voice yes well i've never at first I've never thought about this ever. Yeah, right. I think about it all the time. Would you rather bite a towel or foil? I have a very visceral reaction to this question. Same, same, same. Oh, you do? Same. Oh, wow.

Like goosebumps. Nuh-uh. Yes, really? Don't yell at me, Fortune. It's true. Okay. Well, listen, you guys take the floor okay i'm a big fan of bath time in general and one of the memories i know your fingers are dry

because of it oh yeah you like a bath and hand cream i need the hand cream because i'm in the bath so much i'm in the bath i'm washing my panties in the um but i love to chew on a flannel and as a kid i would like chew on a wet flannel or like suck the water out of it that's and i would sometimes take a wet flannel and lay it over my face and then breathe through it kind of and feel i have a lot of happy memories towel based because what do you call it a washcloth oh you call the washcloth a flannel yeah yeah oh no i thought you mean like what the shirt like like what tig's wearing right now yes yes the lgbtq uniform oh i see you would so the washcloths would have water on it and you would chew on

the washcloth. That's gross. But did you drink the water or just? Yeah, I've drunk some bathwater in my time. I have some stand up about it because when I went to rehab, all the kids in the I'm like, I don't know, 17 or something. And they all start calling me bathwater. Oh, you mentioned that. That's right.

And that was their nickname for me because they said it looked I look like the type of kid that would drink their own bath water with and you did and i guess i we've all drunk a little not me i don't think i have okay but okay you're you're alone but well i might have sucked on a washcloth when okay truth comes out here we go but i i don't think i drank the water okay yeah i probably you know maybe me neither listen this is a safe space may you don't have to walk anything back you drink that bath water the idea of chewing on tinfoil, though, is abhorrent to me. Oh, oh, oh, both of them. Both of them. But I would chew on a towel before I would chew. Wait, if they are using the word towel, why aren't they using flannel?

Because flannel is only a washcloth? What word did they use, actually? Towel. I thought it was a towel. Oh, maybe they're sort of translating because they know that the flannel will be the small one. But maybe their towels are still towels. Thank you, detective. I think they're pandering to us dumb dummies.

Well, they should know this podcast is global that's right we're global baby even the wild horses on the island are listening wild horses take it fortune so you have a visceral reaction to both these things you don't want to bite a towel you don't want to bite tinfoil why would i want to bite either of those what what on what planet well this is the thing is i want to but i true i actively want to bite a towel okay i will bite a towel over tinfoil okay and fortune are you having a gut i don't have a gut reaction. I'm just more of like, huh, I would have never thought of that. But see, that's what I like about our podcast is that everyone's brain thinks differently. Yeah.

And so it kind of makes me go, oh, I never thought of that or would never think of that. But here we are. Here we are. Here we are. Yeah. I get nervous to answer these questions because I'm like, is it like a personality test where it says something right you know how they say if you like the smell of gasoline that means you also like red licorice may fact i'm making this up oh and then if you if you like this may fact because i like the smell of gasoline, but I do enjoy black licorice.

Okay, okay. The plot thickens. I do have one fact, which is sort of... Yeah, please. I wonder if this is where this is coming from for Bella, is that in England alone, every year for the holidays, British people use enough wrapping paper that they could wrap the moon. What? That is a true fact. true is crunching these useless

numbers may be if you if you take the surface area of the moon every year british people are using enough wrapping paper that they could wrap the entire they need to pull it back a bit that is that's that's a little much but most importantly do you like red or black licorice red yeah i would prefer red to black but i don't really love either did you know rabbits love licorice have i told you that before on may fact i think it's i swear i've said that how would that have ever come up i still don't understand why all those british folks are wrapping so many presents or the moon why are they wrapping the moon yeah my family at christmas was like we're not gonna wrap all the santa stuff so we saved on some wrapping paper there wait your parents said that i mean once i got to the point where the the gig was up what do you

call the jig is the jig when you realized it was a figma of your imagination that's when i was like why aren't we rapping they're like why would we also do that i'm not really into rapping if any i'm not really into presents but if you must get me one don't wrap it i'm not really into presents either except for like a gift card oh yeah i know this coffee shop i just drank the coffee that was given to me in south dakota that was a handsome blend oh nice yeah they made a handsome blend and it had the package had quotes from our podcast. Wait, what are you talking about? Did I never tell you guys? No, no.

What? We posted it on the Instagram, but it was on the stories. You might not have seen it. I went to South Dakota. Gosh, now I can't remember the name of the coffee shop. It's a very gay friendly coffee shop. They were in. It's not owned by a gay person, but the gay allies.

And this was in, where did I perform? Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I wonder if there's a woman out there in the world named Sioux Falls. There's gotta be. There's gotta be. Or even a boy. A boy named Sioux Falls. Yes.

So I went and got coffee there. And then later at the show, the owner's sister came. And the owner had made me a blend of beans. And it said handsome on the bag. And it had little quotes from our show. It was amazing. What a sweet thing to do that's amazing wow and they had gotten like um some yelp reviews saying like there's a lot of gays that work there and called them a name or something and so the company made shirts that sort of embraced it and it was really cool i gotta find the name of this place god dang

it well again take your time silently scroll you guys nope we both just freeze and watch you scroll i i have some uh either or questions i can fire at you guys. Oh, sure. Okay. Dill pickle or bread and butter? Oh, so like a savory pickle or a sweet pickle, right? No. Fortune? No.

You're not listening. Dill pickle or bread and butter? Bread and butter is not sweet. But it's not a pickle. It's not a pickle, Fortune. Bread and butter is not a pickle it's not a pickle it's not a pickle fortune bread and butter is not a pickle wait you gotta know that dill pickle or bread and butter fortune you have to know bread and butter is not was pickle anywhere oh pick out the cucumber oh okay found it it's called the breaks the breaks everyone head on over to the breaks and get a cup of handsome coffee. Well, it's not for sale, but maybe it would be.

Look at that. Handsome. Anyway, were we not talking about pickles? Fortune. I said, would you rather eat a dill pickle or bread and butter? But bread and butter is not a type of pickle. It is a thing. A bread and butter.

It's a sweet pickle. And it's called a bread and butter pickle not a type of pickle it is a thing a bread and butter it's a sweet pickle and it's called a bread and butter pickle thomas am i crazy there is a bread and butter pickle yeah oh my whole my world i feel like i have been vindicated you've been gaslit i had no idea i think my well clearly because i wasn't paying attention i was trying to find this coffee shop i heard dill and then bread and butter. So I thought the question was, what do you prefer pickle-wise? Nothing better than a boring misunderstanding explained. Okay, chocolate sauce or maple syrup? Well, first, let me answer bread.

Was that one of the options bread and butter fortune i'm gonna pick bread and butter okay i'm going dill i'm going bread and butter but it's of course a vegan butter yeah of course what's the next one may chocolate sauce or maple syrup maple syrup chocolate sauce dim sum or birthday wait why didn't you answer may oh maple syrup of course okay of course the canadian dim sum or birthday cake oh birthday cake baby oh my gosh that's brutal i'm dim sum birthday cake i'm whoa i'm give me dim sum cake oh that's good fortune oh that's actually very good i think that might be your new closer anyway moving on how can we possibly move on from that it's the greatest closer in all of comedy ancient egypt or medieval times medieval times for me ancient egypt for my

ancient egypt for me yeah oh you don't want to clunk around in some uh thing i studied ancient egypt in the college it was fascinating okay what about uh tom hanks or tom Cruise? Tom Hanks, baby. Cruise for me. Well, it's hard when my face says Cruise. Yeah, your face and jawline says Cruise. You got to go Cruise. But, you know, I'm going to name drop. I know Tom Hanks. You do? Oh, boy.

Yes, I do. I love Tom Hanks. He's the best. I'm going to go Tom Hanks, you know, because I'm sporting the Cruz face. Do you know that that's Stephanie's one male celebrity crush was Tom Cruise? And she married this face? She married Tom Cruise. The lesbian Tom Cruise?

Yeah. Yeah. Do people ever call you the lesbian Tom Cruise? No. Oh, okay. Moving on. call you the lesbian tom cruise no oh okay moving on i mean i have about 250 either ors but i'm not gonna let's do two more okay would you rather travel back in time and be at woodstock or travel back in time to be an invisible observer of one day of your own life whoa and you're invisible in both scenarios like at woodstock you can just roam around you can walk backstage whatever you got the whole day or you can pick a day in your own life yeah and you can yeah just watch it play out this is tough because

woodstock's like incredible yeah and like how could you not want to see that but then like if i could like see my grandma that that'd be pretty great, too. And if you could see grandma's problem area, that would be something else. Extra bonus. But now what day in your life? You just choose any day? Yeah, you can choose it. But it's not like you can go, oh, I want to go back to the day where I went on that trip. It's like you need to give the date and year. Oh, yeah. Woodstock.

You choose Woodstock? Yeah. Yeah. I guess I choose. Even though I love my grandma, I'll just carry that memory with me because I had it, but I've never seen Woodstock in person. And what if I chose a day that was just me sick in bed or something? And then I have to watch

that for 24 hours? It'd be pretty riveting to watch Little Tidge in bed. Me getting a spanking. Oh, God. Oh, God. It would really mess with you if you saw the wrong thing. Because there's no way for us to know the actual day, and we might get it wrong.

Ow! Me doing school announcements. Hey, everybody. There's a chess club meeting after school. Please meet Mr. Johnson's class at 3 p.m. if you want to be in the chess club. Is that the only thing that was going on at your school was chess club? And sports. Is that the only thing that was going on at your school was chess club?

And sports. If I could go back in time to a day in your childhoods, I would probably pick that over Woodstock. No, don't do that. You'll be sorely disappointed. Fortune announcing chess club and me sniffling in bed. I'm like, God, I could have been at Woodstock. These two are going to be stars, baby. And everyone's like, these two?

That's right. These two. Okay. Last one. Okay. Primal scream or secret whisper? Secret whisper. Yeah, I guess whisper.

Mae? I'm going, I know in my heart that I need a primal scream. That's why I'm walking on my tiptoes. Yeah. I gotta go do a primal scream and then walk on my full foot. Fair enough. You gotta get it out, Mae. But you gotta be careful on your tiptoes now that you have a propeller on your hat because

you might take off. One big gust, one strong gust. Even the slightest gust. I'm on my tiptoes because I'm wearing a wedge. You're wearing a little piece of wood, do you mean? When I was a kid, I was such a picky eater. Oh my gosh. I only liked, speaking of pickles, I loved pickles, cheese, know chips and whatever but my mother and grandmother used to tell me that if I didn't eat something more substantial than cheese and pickles and um whatever chips that I was gonna blow away to Windville oh and that was a town where scrawny little kids, the wind just blew you away and you lived in Windville. And I remember as a kid playing and just thinking when the wind would pick up, I was

like, eh, I'll just take my chances. Oh my God. Were you kind of curious about what was going on? I had a slight fear I was going to end up in Windville, but I just, I was so enthralled in what I was doing out in the yard that I just thought, I'm just going to stay focused. And if I end up in Windville, I end up in Windville. I love the idea of a town full of this, these like waif-like little string children that all just kind of flutter around. No one told me about this town because they weren't worried i was gonna get blown away well lucky you that you could just play without any concern about ending up in winville i had two big fat feet firmly planted on the ground firmly planted yeah i gotta get firmly planted.

Should we hear what Bella has to say? So Bella said that they had a theory. Oh yeah, let's hear Bella's theory. Someone needs a theory. Someone needs one. I am vehemently, vehemently? How do you say that? Vehemently against biting towels.

I have bitten towels before not not frequently but i have been in a towel and it was maybe the worst experience of my life i still remember it uh so biting towels is an absolute no-go uh biting foil however completely fine i would love to bite foil it actually is it's like seems like it would be quite nice to bite foil and in my experience people who like you're either one way or the other you either like can bite towels or you can bite foil maybe the occasional few can do both but i'm absolutely all for biting foil very against biting towels oh wow wow okay that's the opposite of me also what was the theory oh the theory is you're one or the other strongly one or the other vehemently vehemently a no-go and i'm sorry

where are they from oh you know england somewhere jolly yeah i i can't remember what what part like i want to say sorry but i made that up and would you um may just dazzle me with some debbie oh well i take how are you did may not tell you oh no i don't i don't take cash i do go about my life thinking about, of course, I loved meeting Debbie. But man, hearing your accents kick in, especially Debbie. Thank you. I'm honored. Yeah, I am too. When I get my car cleaned, take your own Costco.

Costco. It's a no-go. Hello, Alex. I guess that's so funny. said no go hello alex i guess that's so funny endlessly funny that um she called you alex and then realized a half hour later did i call you alex i know and then said i looked exactly like him and then showed me a picture of him i look nothing like this man he's like a sort of 25 year old greek man with dark brown hair hilarious there he is well interesting yeah we've learned a lot today i might go bite some foil just to see if i hate it as much as i think i will i have to say i don't think i have purposely bitten foil before but i

have been into like a sandwich and a little piece of foil got in my mouth and i did not like that no yeah yeah now that you mention it well i mean do you like anything to be accidentally bitten off into your sandwich oh my god yeah guys i bought a hot dog on the street in toronto they call it street meat it's like a grilled hot dog in toronto i bite into it clang i pull there's a wire no metal metal wire going straight through the center of my hot dog and so i go to the guy and i go there's a wire in my wiener you know and he goes hey he goes do you want another one hey sorry there's a wire in my dong sorry there's a wire in my penis and he goes he's like do you want another one i'm like no yeah god no i know what the oh that's disgusting that would be jarring i hate that kind of stuff

or you're biting into something and i saved biggie's life yesterday because he was, that's my dog. Yeah, we know. And we were walking him and I looked down and I see something in his mouth and I go, drop that. And he ate it even more. So I had to drop down and I pulled this long thing out and it was this like old chicken skin. So I pulled it out out his mouth and i go like because i was so i would i wish so bad someone had been filming

because i was like literally gagging pulling out old chicken skin yes but I didn't know what it was. So I was like literally gagging on the sidewalk and Jax was dying laughing. And she didn't jump in to save her entire family. You were both about to die. I saved Vicky's life for sure. I did something so disgusting

when I was a young adult. I would never do this now. And this might make you start heaving, Fortune. Oh, gosh. Oh, God. And if anybody wants to pause this episode to go subscribe to our show, feel free. What I did, I went out to eat. And this still hasn't killed vietnamese food for me

because certain things you get a bad memory or you get sick on it you can't ever have it again i was eating my bowl and i spied a little roach in there oh i ate around it until they replaced it. No. I would never. I would never. What possessed you? It was so, that bowl was so good. I just left that little roach over to the side.

I do love Vietnamese food. Yeah, see, it didn't kill it for you you and we are now auctioning off a dinner with me at this restaurant oh my gosh well what a day what a day we have a couple things to remind our lovely listeners about we do we have uh merch yeah do we ever and we want to make more merch, like more stickers and stuff. Yeah. But yeah, thanks to everyone who's bought it so far. And check it out.

There's very good stuff. Handsomepod.com. Yeah. Yeah. People love it. We have very fun shirts. We have an awesome, handsome hat, a tote bag, and some stickers that people are really loving. Those are flying off the shelf.

They're flying off the shelf. They're flying off the shelf. And we're going to keep, you know, there's so many fun quotes that there will be more things coming. So if you want your merch. Maybe we could do a poll online of different quotes. Because that's the thing. We don't know what the quotes are. You guys are telling us what ones you like. We're like just living our lives and talking.

But then you're like, well, that's ridiculous. So yeah, tell us what you want on the sticker. So go to handsomepod.com for any of that. We also have a live streaming show. You want to tell them about that, Tig? I would. I'd love to tell you about this live streaming show. Tickets sold out immediately for the actual in-person part. But here's the amazing,

amazing thing about this show. Anywhere on the globe or in outer space, you can buy a ticket to watch this show. And you know what I'm even going to say? Why don't you get a little viewing party together with some friends, with some of your handsomest friends or maybe some pretty little ladies some people that are big fans of the show or maybe they've never even heard us and you're like this will be a great way to bring them in send us pictures of your viewing party yeah that would be great but please make sure you're a pineapple apart good point may good Mae. Good point. And the link lasts for... That's the thing. Even if there's a time difference, I think for the whole week, if you buy your live streaming

ticket. So you can watch it whenever you want that week. You don't have to watch it live. But try and watch it live. Might be fun. Where do they go to the link? DynastyTypeWriter.com for tickets. It's going to be our first in-person show in front of a live audience i'm

going to be wearing a propeller hat galore it's going to be really fun and if you enjoyed our podcast go uh subscribe if you haven't done that give us a little five star leave us a review we love hearing feedback from you guys and it just helps us spread the word and get more handsome folks on board well and that's the thing is people are always asking like i'm scared the show's gonna go away what do i do how do i i don't want you to stop doing the show here is what's key the more subscribers we have the more it secures us in the show makes it sustainable yeah spread the word because we want to keep doing it. Yeah.

May, do you have anything you want to tell our lovely handsomes about? I'm at Largo December 11th, Largo in Los Angeles, doing like a holiday extravaganza with very special surprise guests. It's going to be really fun. Awesome. What about you? I'm doing my stand-up tour right now. After Christmas, I'm going to be in St. Petersburg, Orlando, Jacksonville, and West Palm Beach, Florida.

Then in the new year, I have tons of shows. Eugene, Oregon, Vancouver, Burlington, Vermont, D.C. And then I'm going to Europe. I'm going to be in London and Amsterdam the end of January. And just added some more shows in Denver, Wisconsin, Houston. Go to fortunefeimster.com for those tickets. Tig? I will be in Los Angeles January 19th, the Dynasty Typewriter.

Then I'll be College Park, Maryland January 26th, which I believe is Eddie Van Halen's birthday. Woo! Yeah. Then I'll be in Waterville, Maine, March 9th. So go to TigNotaro.com for all show and ticket information. We love you guys. We appreciate you listening to the show.

Yes. And guys, Keep it handsome! Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com

and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast!