Handsome - Bon Iver asks about unexpected places

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

Grammy-winning musician Justin Vernon (aka Bon Iver) asks Handsome a surprising question, and stuns the hosts with his entertaining answer! Plus Fortune indulges in a listener-suggested drink, "dah puffer," airing grievances, and more!Handsome is streaming LIVE from Austin April 12! Get your tickets here.Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check if your favorite musical artist has a cover of that song by your other favorite musical artist. Did I mention that May has a new album out? Check In First is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Allstate firing Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Welcome to the Handsome Podcast. I am one of your very handsome hosts and my name is Tig Notaro. My name is Mae Martin. and I'm your sultry, sexy sounding fortune. Feimster. Oh my goodness. Have you guys ever heard my voice this low before? Or crackly. Yeah. It's not the depth. It's like, it almost sounds like you're choked by emotion. I am or puberty.

I am choked up by going through puberty. Tell us with what's left of your voice, what happened to your voice? I don't know. I was traveling this weekend. I had shows in Alabama. Yeah. And Adam, it is spring there and there's pollen and, you know, it's, I was literally sitting under trees dumping pollen on me. I'm picturing like little piles of yellow dust on your shoulders. Yes, with my mom in my hometown after Alabama. And out of nowhere last night, I just couldn't talk anymore. I'm not sick. I just don't have a voice. And you guys miss me too much. And we didn't want to not be together today. That's correct. Yeah, we forbid it. I feel like a psychiatrist might diagnose that

psychosomatically, be like, you need a break from being observed and heard or you're struggling to say what you feel. You know what I mean? I would say stress is probably also involved in this. I think the throat is a very emotional organ. Is it an organ? It's a passage. The throat, I don't know if that's an organ. It's more like a fleshy tube. Fleshy tube.

It might be an organ, I really don't know. I am not the one to come to About yeah about any sort of anything really except like we were saying before we started the episode Thomas found a cat Or the cat found Thomas he wanted to call me and then he didn't want to bother me And I was like listen, you know, you can always bother me about kitty stuff but organs I Don't know if I'm the one to call. Yeah, I don't know if I'm the one to call. If I didn't have my voice, do you think I could do this?

My funny Valentine. That is a really beautiful face. Oh my God, it was the face. Yeah, will you do that again, please? I don't know the rest of the words, so I'll do the same one. Well, what you sang is enough to get that face going. My funny Valentine.

Wow, fortune. I literally can't go up in octave. I'm not even listening to the voice. It's the face. I don't know if I've ever seen that. When you sound sultry, you have to look sultry. Is that what sultry is? Today. seen that. When you sound sultry, you have to look sultry. Is that what sultry is? Why couldn't this ailment have struck you on the night of the Alanis Morris at concert and I would have had to step in? Yes. Good point, Mae. Now you know this could happen at any point. I just have to stress you out before I really stress.

You have to pour pollen on Fortune's head and shoulders. I have to be tired to have pollen poured on my head and be stressed. Wait, so Tig, you were mentioning that Thomas found a stray cat. So guys. Look, there's a person walking behind me. There's a ghost in your house.

I feel like it's my wife's there. There's a ghost in your house. Okay feel like it's my wife's. There's a ghost in your house. Okay, so last night I had a friend over and I said to her, I've got a surprise for you out back because guys, I got a sauna out back and I was really excited. I got a lot to say about it, but I was really excited to show her.

So I'm like, I got a surprise. So we go to my back door. As we walk out, there is a white, scraggly dog staring at me with like muddy feet. And it's been shaved and it's old and it's scraggly. And it's like, like, it looks almost rabid. And so first of all, she thinks this is the surprise that I'm showing her. And so I'm like, what is this dog? And then I hear people shouting, marshmallow, marshmallow, marshmallow. And so I turn around the corner and at my gate,

like holding onto the bars of the gate are three people, like a grandma person and- Was it Otsuko and her grandma? It was, that was sort of the vibe. Grandma person, then like a sort of 50 year old woman, and then like, a guy my age. And none of them know each other. But the grandma person is like, that's my granddaughter's dog, Marshmallow. And then they come running in, I let them in and they get Marshmallow and she picks him up and she's like, I'm going to give you a beating or something

to the dog. And I was like, wait, what? And she's like, no, I'm joking. I don't know why I said that. She starts sobbing. She's like, my granddaughter would have killed me if I lost the dog. And I was like, wait, what? And she was like, no, I'm joking. I don't know why I said that. She starts sobbing. She's like, my granddaughter would have killed me if I lost her dog. It ran away from the groomers. Anyway, it was all very emotional. Who were the other people though, if they weren't involved with the dog or them?

They're Good Samaritans. They saw the dog bolt out of the groomers and then they'd been looking forever. And then someone saw it bolt like into my back garden. But I just, I love it. Little cowboy. My friend thought that I was going, I've got a surprise for you.

And then it's this like immersive theater experience with this upset family and this dog. Yeah. You're gonna foster a traumatic dog. Yeah. And was the dog white? Yeah, it was a white dog. That's why it was called Marshmallow.

I presume. Yeah. And it was not an attractive creature. It was stressed. It was no biggie. It was no biggie, oh my God. No, oh my gosh. I saw a knockoff brand of biggie.

Really? Walking down the street the other day and I was like, yeah, good luck. There's a lot of knockoff biggies in there. Yeah, that's right. Look what I have you guys. What is that? Whiskey.

Yeah. Is it? Because somebody told me to drink it, so guess what I'm about to do. No. Fortune? You're gonna get drunk? Fortune.

Fortune Marie! Gonna get my voice. It is 1.15 in the afternoon. Oh my God. They said, swig whiskey. Why? For my voice. Okay, I think that's an old wives tale.

Cause I think it like. I don't know, we're gonna find out. Oh my God. Fortune's drinking like a Mickey of liquor. Wow. Like a hot toddy maybe with like honey, lemon. And here's my throat coat to wash it down. Okay, that's good.

That I approve of. Does throat coat work? We'll find out. Yeah. Some people good, that I approve of. Does throw coat work? We'll find out. Some people say that whiskey is like of all the liquors it makes you angry. So are you gonna get pissed at us? Oh, let's see how this hour unfolds. Okay, this is a good moment for you to,

maybe we can all air out our grievances. Oh God. What are you upset with me about and what are you upset with me about? Oh God. We're starting with me? Yeah, well, because you're the one liquored up. And be honest, I'm upset that you just had a birthday and I didn't get any birthday cake.

Oh yeah. Is that a rule? Anyone with a birthday has to sign fortune. Yes, I know. Max and Finn ordered, I like to have King cake every year. What's that? It's the cake. From Louisiana. Yeah, from Mardi Gras.

Oh. And so I love having that. It's my favorite cake. Don't you bite into it and things are in it. Yeah, there's a baby or a penny sometimes. That sounds dangerous. It's good luck and it's also, you have to host the next Mardi Gras party.

Oh, who? I like the idea. Don't yuck my yum. I don't wanna bite into a baby and then have to host a party. It's not a real baby. It's just a very tiny little baby. How come we don't hide more stuff in food like that? That's such a fun element to any meal. Like a knife, you know?

Yes, a saw. Would you want- Yeah, a cake in the shape of a saw. Would you want to be proposed to via a ring in a piece of cake? I never want to be proposed to again ever. No? Anyway, moving on. Oh, okay.

Okay, so you had this cake. Okay, so yeah. Fortune's pissed about it. Yes, every year. If anybody's looking for the greatest vegan cake in the world, and actually other vegan snacks and cheese, Yvonne's vegan is it's in Pasadena, California. It is so good. She makes my, my king cake every year. It is so delicious. And so Max and Finn ordered this for me. And it was a surprise slash not surprise,

I'll be honest, since I have it every year. But yeah, you're right. I should have thought we need to save some for fortune, but I was worried about your throat. I know, but cake makes it better. Okay, what are you upset with May about? Oh, wow. And you can say anything.

May, I'm so upset with you that you had a friend over and I wasn't invited. Okay, there's a theme here. There's a theme which is fortune wants to be included. Leave me out. I mean, I was out of town for both things. I wish that you had been there for the marshmallow incident because you're like a dog whisperer.

You could have like snuggled that dog up. Come here, come here. I could talk to him like this with his voice. Come here little doggy. Your voice does sound a lot better than the voice memo you texted us this morning. Yeah. Because I was only awake for like 30 minutes

and I'm like, uh oh. That's kind of a May Martin strategy sometimes is like right when you wake up your voice is pretty croaky so you do the voice note then saying, you know guys I'm not feeling great. You guys I'm not gonna. Note to self, now we know you're. If you ever do that.

No, I gave up long ago with, I feel like you guys see through me. I gave up long ago. Oh, like day one. Now if I, yeah, day one you saw through me. Now, truly if I say I'm sick is cause I'm really sick. Cause I know I can't pull one over. That's what you'll hear when you call in with,

I'm gonna have a cold at three o'clock today. I'm planning on having a fever. It'll be over at 430. Yeah, it'll be over at 630 because I have to go on a date then, but until then it'll be okay. Do you really have a date? I don't, I don't. Oh.

Yeah, but I'm excited for the possibilities of the sauna in my life. I love that you have a sauna. I've thought about getting one. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Like it's, they're not that expensive. They say it lowers your chance of cardiac like health problems by stuff by like 40%. And half an hour a day, it heats up super fast.

It smells like cedar wood. It's so nice. How many people fit in yours? Four, of course. Whoa, four. And is it the infrared light? No, but I'm thinking about getting a red light in there. And I've named it because I watched the Severance finale last night.

So in Severance, there's this room called Cold Harbor. That's like the project they're working on. And so I've named the sauna Hot Harbor. I might like engrave it or something, I don't know. And how long do you stay in there? I mean, I've only had it working for less than 24 hours and I've been in there about 90 minutes. And I feel like a sack of skin,

like all the fluids gone out of my body, but I feel healthy. Okay, okay. And do you feel like your cardiac stuff is good? I think it's gonna help me not smoke the couple cigarettes I smoke every day because when you get out of it, you feel so good in your body,

you don't wanna mess with that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Should I get a cold plunge, you think? Do you have enough room in your yard? Yeah, but maybe I'll just get a bucket. Are you at your house, your new house? Yeah, I'm back home after so long away and so many different countries. Yeah.

And are those all of your trophies and awards? My eyesight is terrible. They are, but I didn't think- There's a big head on one. Yeah, that's like the Taskmaster. You know that game show Taskmaster? But I didn't think about that for the podcast and now I'm embarrassed, but those are my trophies. Why are you embarrassed? You're a very decorated comedian.

Thank you. Why don't you walk us through all of this? I see ha on something. Fortune's plant, of course. Yeah, I don't want to brag about what I've got behind me, but let's go through them. Fortune's plant follows her everywhere. What is the ha ha ha award? Oh, you know, that was funny. It's the rising comedy star of the year just for last 2023. I'd been doing comedy for 20 years at that point. You're a rising star. Yeah.

Isn't that funny? Those things are all arbitrary, aren't they? But I got my window fixed. You'll see there's going to be no more black widow spiders coming through there you should also hang a sign that says no black widow spiders allowed yeah what's this what's that for sure i feel like i have that same thing rise up la right rise up lights rise up lights rise up lights. Congrats on that, Fortune. You're not the only one. You wanna tell us about it? Racking up the ords.

She's drinking again. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow. I have this, but I don't know who gave it to me. The fake Oscar? Sorry to assume it's fake. It is not fake. Sorry, yeah.

Sorry. It's like three inches tall. It's nothing. Yeah, but I don't know where, who gave me this. Does it have a plaque on it? There's nothing on it, just a radial Oscar. I saw somebody making fun of how whenever anybody makes an acceptance speech,

they comment on how heavy the award is. There was like, these really are heavy. And also looking into the camera, telling their kids to go to bed, of course. Oh my God, I'm obsessed with that. Suzy, Jacob. Go to bed, okay kids. Go to bed.

Oh my God. What if you, it would be funny if you didn't have kids and you told the kids to go to bed. That's really funny. Or if you said it to your parents, mom, dad, go to bed. Go to bed, you've had too much to drink. Go to the doctors. It won't be next year because Conan's doing it again.

Oh, is he? But that'll give us more time to learn to tap dance. We could kidnap Conan. Or Tig, your good friends with Conan, tell him that at some point, he should have the handsome pod tap dance. At his house? At the next Oscars.

He doesn't have to acknowledge it on stage. He can just walk by us. He just ignores all the tapping and we're tapping. He has time to think about it. It's not till next year. Also, I wanna be clear. I'm not really good friends with Conan. I'm certainly friends with Conan.

That's more than we are. Yeah. I have his number. It's more than we have. Yeah, okay. But I'm not good friends. If he hears this and he texts me. You're friendly enough to say, hey bud.

Yeah, I'm friendly enough to say hey bud. My pod. But if he hears this and he'll text me and say you need to correct that. Yeah, you need to make an edit. We're acquaintances. Yeah. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check for the point with the highest elevation whenever you're traveling to a new location. It's always good to get your bearings with a magnificent view. Checking First is smart, so check Allstate First

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And when I go to a baseball game, you know that my favorite part is when the whole stadium sings a song we all know and love together. Take me out to the desert, take me out to the sands, get me some sunscreen and a guide named Zach, I don't care if I ever come back so it's lounge lounge lounge by

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and he's just such a great speaker. He had some really cool things to say. He's by far one of the top five funniest people living. I mean, I kind of can't get over it every time. And I know he's massively famous and everyone loves him, but I feel like, I don't know, I don't hear enough of people really recognizing it that this that he's still so funny. He's so funny and everything he does. It's so effortless it's so like Joyful almost like like yeah, we got to celebrate so smart Yeah, and like so curveball II like

Whatever topic he has an angle That I'm like, oh my gosh didn didn't see that coming at all. And which, you know, of course is the key to comedy, but also it's fun sometimes when you see where a joke is going and it unravels to your delight. Where you're like, yeah. I like that his specific talent is like, his whole being is just a funny person. Like it's, you know what I mean?

Like he just put him in any situation and his reactions like his deadpan reaction to when he kind of engineers a situation where someone insults him and then he is so deadpan like that. I kills me. He is a silly, silly man and God do I love it. Anyway, anyway, he's not our question asker. No, he's not. And I'm realizing we didn't make it full circle around where we all could share what we're so upset with each other. What are you all upset about? I don't know if you want to hear it. Really?

Yeah. I think we should save it for another episode when you're not this sick. I don't know. I can take it. I don't think you can. Fortunately, I'm so upset with you. And May. I can take it. Yeah.

I think the person who's airing the grievances needs to be drunk on whiskey. That should be the rule. Oh yeah, how's the whiskey going? Bottoms up. And who told you whiskey would help your voice? Somebody on Instagram. Are you serious?

Yeah, I listen to my followers. Okay, and then why do you have such a tiny little? Yeah, because I checked my messages, I saw this. Two people made this suggestion. I don't do something on just one suggestion. Yeah. You need two strangers on Instagram. Two strangers have to have suggested it.

Okay. And I'm sitting here and I'm like, I'm about to start handsome, my throat's being a bad girl. Mm-hmm. A bad little lady. And I looked over and what was sitting on the desk from my last airplane ride, they just hand me a bunch of these when I fly and I'm over and what was sitting on the desk from my last airplane ride, they just hand me a bunch of these when I fly

and I'm like, ugh. They do? I don't, yeah, I don't know why. I've never been handed, I've never been on a flight and a flight attendant just hands me a handful. I don't even like, I drink, but I don't drink like crazy, you know, I'm not like a. Yeah.

So you just sit down, what are you famous for drinking whiskey and you go? No, I think it's from my Chelsea Lately days. Some of the gays that watched that show back in the day are just like here girl, have fun. And I'm just like, oh thanks. Just because they want to celebrate you. I either don't drink on a plane or I don't drink more than one of these. I would be in a wheelchair if I drank one of those tiny little ones.

That's true too. I sometimes before a show I'll have a sip of whiskey just to have the taste in my mouth because of the sense memory of drunk confidence. Even though I'm not drunk at all, I have just the taste in my mouth and I'm like, oh, I must be feeling real loose even though I haven't even imbibed. I will say my voice feels better already in the last five minutes. So it sounds really good and less sexy. Unfortunately, I know. Back to my, my Southern twang.

And, uh, and your drink, sorry, you're drinking smooth move tea for those coat throat, but I do like Smooth Move. Do you really? Smooth Move, where'd you get that? That's a tea. That's a real thing? Yeah. I thought you just made it up.

You didn't know about Smooth Move? No. What is this? Oh my gosh, this is a tea that you can drink to have a smooth move. Really? I like it in your butt. Yeah. Wow. Oh. Yeah.

I've only had it once, it's licorice tasting. I'll lick you in the butt. Wow. I've only had it once, it's licorice tasting. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, get it out of my body. I do like black licorice. Really? I hate it. But do you like red licorice, Fortune? I like it, but I don't love it.

Because apparently if you like red licorice, then you like the smell of gasoline. And if you like black licorice, then you like the smell of gasoline. And if you like black licorice, that's like you're like a rabbit because rabbits love licorice. I don't love the smell of gasoline. There's a couple flaws in that whole. No, no, no. I don't see a single flaw, Mae. I accidentally poured gasoline all over myself this weekend.

What? What? What? Not on purpose. At the gas station. Either way. All over you, like on your head. I pulled out the handle, the thing. And the little trigger button thing was already down.

So it was gushing out? So I opened it and it just started gushing out. Oh my god. That's so dangerous. That's not a great smell. I love the smell. You do? I love the smell of gas, petrol, super glue, permanent marker.

I used to as a kid, but I've moved on. Yeah, you got to guard what brand sells. Yeah, I have a year away from my retirement community. Right. Do you think that would be a good slasher movie that takes place at a retirement community? Yes, write it. Okay. I'll star in it. Okay. For real? Yeah, of course. Okay. Great. As long as I can live there. I'll be someone that works there. Yeah, great. And also I know from doing this podcast enough that you said many times, Tig, that you don't have range. So I'm gonna write it specifically for you.

Yes. You basically just have to be like, hi, I'm Tig. Yeah, and I'm old. But we could give you full gray hair. Yeah, I thought there's gonna be more to that sentence. You have that long gray hair in Y'all's movie. Yes, and am I okay? I'm in a long-haired in y'all's movie. Yes, in Am I Okay? I'm in a long-haired gray wig.

That's hilarious. So tune in to Am I Okay? Do you think when you get older, you will grow your hair out? How much older? Because again, I'm one year away from retirement community. Like, you know, 70 or something.

70. Wait, you're saying like long- Long hair, yeah. Long gray hair. Oh, not sure about that.. Wait, you're saying like long. Long hair, yeah. Long gray hair. Oh, not sure about that. It doesn't have to be gray, you can still dye it, but will it be long? What do you mean still dye?

I don't dye my hair. Oh, my bad. You thought I dyed my hair? Can I be honest? I did too. Really? I kind of thought. I dye my, I highlight my hair.

I don't, no. Haven't I told you that I feel like I'm the opposite of when people go, what has this person done with their face, like with plastic surgery? I'm like, I realized one day that people with plastic surgery are looking at me going, does she not know that she can have things done because my teeth are cracked in yellow. I have wrinkles and I have gray hair. I mean, look what I have.

Oh, what is that? Effortlessly handsome. Wait, what is that Fortune? It looks like a vibrator. It does look like one, doesn't it? Oh, it goes under your eyes for puffy eyes. Yes. Don't tempt me because I will order everything

under the sun. I don't know if you can see this that I just bought. This is all the rage, May. Like an I want. It's a therabody. Okay, I'm getting it. De-puffer. Therabody.

And it looks like a vibrator. De-puffer or de-puffer? I don't think it's a de-puffer. De-puffer. Hey, de-puffer. Hey, if it is, unfortunately, de-puffer. It's's a de puffer. De puffer. Hey, de puffer. Hey, if it isn't fortune de puffer. It's been a while, buddy. This is not a sponsored ad, but May, it gets cold and hot like immediately.

Okay, I'm gonna. Good thing it's not a sponsored ad because they would drop us. They'd be complaining. They'd be like, we're not de puffer. I want like a mafia character, like a gangster character who has asthma who's called De Puffer. De Puffer.

De Puffer. So you're saying De Puffer. Yeah. Yeah. So I ordered this, which might look like a normal black hat just like the one I'm wearing. Looks brown. It does look, it looks green to me.

Oh, that's just the light, the golden light. But what does it do? It looks like a little cowboy hat. If you look inside, it's lined with silver or something to stop like the radiation rays that we're all getting apparently from our phones and walking around all the wifi wave. It's like wearing a tinfoil hat, but it's real.

And then I've been reading all about these dangerous waves that we're absorbing. I'm like, I can't believe I live in this reality that I'm buying basically tinfoil hat to wear. Are you telling me you bought yourself a de puffer hat? I bought myself a de radio puffer hat. All right, and what is this little lady holding right up there?

If you're watching on YouTube, Fortune's holding up a delightful little handbag. It's my Chewy Vatan Paris bag. Chewy Vatan. It's Biggie's. It's Biggie's actual bag. Yeah. And what do you keep in there? No, it's a squeeze toy.

Oh, OK. Should we get to our question asker? I wouldn't have it any other way. Today's question asker is a Grammy winning singer, songwriter and producer, best known as the front man of indie folk band Bon Iver. He's got one of the most distinctive and beautiful voices in all of music.

Bon Iver's new album is called Sable Fable. Justin Vernon is asking today's question. I never knew his name was Justin Vernon. I didn't know that either. Well now you know. And you know he's singing with Taylor Swift. Yes, I know. I'm a big fan.

Bon Iver's voice when he says, come on skinny love. Oh my, come on, Skinny Love, just, oh. I mean, come on, kill me now. Kill me now. Kill me right now with Skinny Love. Put me in the grave, put me in a coffin. Can you do this? Oh.

Ooh. Oh, God. Mm. That's yours, that's yours. Yeah, that's all yours, baby doll. Mm. Wait, should we hear his question? Oh yes, oh, see?

Oh, that's right. Yeah, he has a question. Forgot why we were even here. Hey, handsome. Huge fan of all of yours. I'm happy to be here. What? My name's Justin. He's handsome. From Honey Bear,

and I got a question for everybody. Have you ever been in a place that was so unexpected that you couldn't believe it and you can't believe it still when you look back and how did it change you? What happened and why was it so unexpected? Okay, not to objectify him, but I didn't know Justin was such a babe. I mean, I've seen him

before, but like, yeah, I got blush. I was blushing. Handsome fella. He's got a cheeky, a cheeky sparkle in his eye. And that's all I like in a person is like a piratic twinkle in the eye. No sense of humor, no intelligence. That's no, no, just the twinkle. No compassion. No no empathy. Yeah just looking for a twinkle. Just need that twinkle. Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you build a website you'll love. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, whether your website is personal or professional.

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plus free shipping on your order. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash handsome to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash handsome. I think if you have a twinkle, you have some empathy. Yeah. And some intelligence, I think. That was a great question too.

Yeah, and I thought right out of the gate that I had the answer. Yeah. And I've talked about it on the podcast, which was where I was invited with who we spoke about Conan O'Brien and a bunch of others to go to the Vatican. Oh my God. Yeah. The Pope. I was like, well, I didn't expect this in my life. But then I immediately switched to when I was asked, this is a lot of rock stars in one sitting, but Chris Martin asked me to surprise Dakota Johnson

on her 30th birthday. Do you know about this? No. Okay. So I get an email. Has she done your movie yet? No, this is how I met her. Chris Martin emails me and he's like,

hey, this is Chris Martin, Dakota Johnson is my girlfriend and you are her favorite comedian. And he said, she's turning 30 years old. This is a few years back. I would have erased this email because that would have been certain it was spam. Right, it sounds like I'm a Saudi prince

and I just need. Yeah. Why are those not real? You've been sending multiple money. So he says, you are Dakota's favorite comedian. Will you surprise her on her 30th birthday? And I'm like, OK, I can do this. And I. I show up. It's this place in Malibu, it's outdoors. It's, I get, I show up and I get shuffled immediately

into basically a broom closet. Okay. And like, can I at least have a salad? But meanwhile, it's like this outdoor event where there's food trucks, there's a stage, there's like a Led Zeppelin cover band playing. Oh, sick. And there's every massive celebrity you've ever, ever dreamed possible in one place.

And you're in the broom closet. I'm in the broom closet. And I'm with my friend. Let's get this les back in that closet. Yeah, let's shove the old lesbian back there. So I'm in the broom closet. I'm with my friend Greg, another comedian who I brought as my date.

And all I asked for was tea, not for throat coat or smooth move, just tea. You felt like a tea. Usually spearmint or mint tea. And so I'm just sitting in this essentially broom closet waiting to be called on stage and Chris comes back and says, hello, and thanks me for being there. And I'm like, sure thing. And he was like, sorry, I just really want to make this a surprise.

And I'm like, yeah, no problem. And then I go out on stage and I, and I, and I said to Chris, I was like, are you sure I'm her favorite comedian? Because I said, I am mortified thinking about maybe you misunderstood something. And it's like the big moment of the night is he's surprising her with me and she's like, who is this? So he's like, I am certain it's you.

And I'm like, okay, so it's time for my performance and I'm led out onto the stage and Chris and Dakota are sitting front row center and I'm like, oh my Lord, I'm very self-conscious because I'm still thinking like, I wonder if he has the wrong person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I do my show. And does it go well?

I think it did. I think it went well enough to where I, you know, was friendly with Dakota after and we worked together. And did she react when you came out? Was she like, Oh my God. Well, Dakota doesn't, she's not a real, oh my God kind of person. She's like you. Yeah, she's way chill, which it all kind of made sense after that point

where I'm like, she's so, like she's not, oh my God. So anyway, I meet her after, that's all nice and everything. And then Robert Downey Jr. comes up to me and he's giving me all these nice compliments and like really specific compliments about the different jokes and whatever.

And I'm like, oh wow, he really gets my sense of humor. And then he says, and his wife is standing there too, Susan. And he says, my wife was wanting tea and that sounds good to me too. And I'm curious, where did you get your tea? And I said, oh, I've been sitting in a broom closet for the past hour and I have tea in that broom closet and some hot water.

And he was like, do you mind taking us there to get some tea? And I was like, sure. So me, Robert, Greg and myself all go to my broom closet and I'm fixing their tea. And I'm telling you, it's really a tiny little area. I'm fixing their tea and I hand everyone some tea and then he says, you know what,

do you mind if we just hang out in here and all have tea together? He was like, I'm kind of not really in the mood to be at the party. And I was like- I love, I respect that so much. And I was like, sure. And so I thought we'd probably sit there for a half hour and drink our tea.

We were in the broom closet the entire night. Oh my God. Me, Robert, Susan, Greg drinking tea in the broom closet and then wrapped up and I left. Oh my God. I did not even interact at the park. You didn't get a one food truck. I didn't do anything.

I just went home and then decoded. But that was a moment where I was sitting there going, how on earth am I in a broom closet, pouring tea and spending hours with my friend Greg and Robert and Susan Downey? Yeah, that's insane. And it was so fun. It was such.

That's always the best moments at a party when you break off into a little group and like a little room closet, room closet. Yeah. Yeah. So I figured I'd share that story. That's a great story. I figured I'd share that over going back into, well, it was so crazy to be at the Vatican with Conan O'Brien, my best friend. Yeah. So that was really cool. Yeah, it was just a funny, weird moment that I really enjoyed.

I liked it a lot. Oh man, do you have one, Fortune? I mean, I'm only thinking of celebrity stuff right now just because I feel like those are the most surreal moments you have living in Los Angeles. Yeah. It's like one of those places where literally literally at any given moment, you can like turn a corner and be talking to like your childhood hero. Yeah.

You just, you never know who you're going to meet and where. One would, I'm friends with her now, but when I first met Nellie Maines from The Chicks, she agreed to do this show with me for Comedy Central. We had never met. Now that I know her, I can't believe she said yes. And I had loved their band my whole life. Well, from the time I was 18 up and used to listen to their songs. 17, you couldn't stand them.

That's right. Yeah. I actively hated them. Listen to their song. Seventeen, you couldn't stand them. That's right. Yeah. I actively hated them. Listen to their song on repeat. So she and I sat in her trailer and chatted for a long time and we got drinks with her afterwards. And then we recently went out of town with her and her bandmates came and we had this fun night where we were singing karaoke and we started singing all these songs from their first album that they don't sing anymore.

And singing at the top of our lungs and having the best time and they were dancing. And it was the most surreal moment where I just like pictured myself back in college. And like, could you have ever imagined, um, like singing with them and I sang on stage with them too, which was very surreal. I sing, uh, in the Nashville Bridgestone Arena, the, their goodbye role song, but something about being in a den and they were, and they sing like, Oh, it was at a house. Yeah, it was at a house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a dinner party. sing like that. Oh, it was at a house. Yeah, it was at a house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a dinner party. Yeah, yeah. And they sang Not Ready to Make Nice, which was, you know. That's such a great song. Their huge song from their controversy, like seeing them sing it in this room with me. It's so good. It's so crazy.

I thought you were saying that you were like at a karaoke club singing it with Natalie, and I was like, wait a minute, was everyone's head exploding left and right? She's saying we had a wedding party back in the day. She came and sang at that and at my, she karaoke'd with me at my premiere. I had a little premiere gathering for my specials. So she is down for the karaoke. This was just in the house with them, screaming, screaming at the top of our lungs.

Does she live in LA? She does, yeah. House parties, yeah, it's intimate enough that everyone who's there feels vetted. So it means if you do meet one of your heroes, they're kind of predisposed to be like, oh, you're in the gang. I can connect with you in this way.

Like it's different to being at an award show or something. Very different, you would think, but that's how I met Taylor Dane, was at a very intimate party. And I thought I was safe. And I don't know if you're familiar with that story. Yeah, you were not safe. Yeah, I was not safe. And I don't know if you're familiar with that story. Yeah, you were not safe. Yeah, I was not safe.

And that's where the, excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you. I just have to tell you, I love your voice, came from the fact that Taylor and I had a mutual friend that was having an intimate dinner party. Right. Tegan and I first met at an intimate, at Jamie Babbitt's, remember? Uh-huh.

Yeah. A long, long time ago. Were they trying to connect, like hook us up? Why were we, it was just the two of us at Carrie and Jamie's house. When I look back, I'm like. I thought that for a second, but I'm like, there's no way.

Oh my God. They might have just taken eye. Yeah. But I think that in their head, they were like, they're both very funny and should be friends. Yeah. Mine is, I'm gonna veer off the celebrity thing. I think that in their head they're both very funny and should be friends. Mine is, I'm going to veer off the celebrity thing.

Why? Okay, I'm going to go. The first thing that came to mind was like the most surreal place or culturally different place I've been was like Nepal when I was 20 and like up in the mountains and stuff. There was this one night where it was a full moon. And so there were all these parties and Katmandu. And I was just so like on my own. And I met this Italian guy who was maybe five foot two. He was tiny. Anyway, we're in this bar and they were playing YouTube. And everyone from every different country,

imaginable knew every word. And we were all singing, you're one, but you're not the same. Yeah. Then I ended up hooking up with this guy in my hostel, this Italian guy, and he was telling me that he grew up in a cult and that he had seen a human being fly. He was like, I don't know what to tell you. I've seen it with my eyes. Human beings can fly with the power of your mind. I don't know. I've seen it. And I was like, well, cool,

man. And then I got- And do you believe that? Yeah. I have no reason to doubt it. You have no reason? Like there's no reason to doubt that. I mean, I try to take people at their word, you know, but I mean, he was probably out of his mind, But he really was like so sincere when he said it. And then I got sick. I was having stomach problems. I wasn't even like drunk or anything, but I ended up having to run to the bathroom and I had like explosive

diarrhea. And the bathroom was on the roof of the hostel and the door was kind of open and I'm squatting over this hole and I can see the full moon above the thing and then as I'm squatting there just like, oh, like, you know, the cramping, like this giant rat, the size of a dog comes up to the door of the, and I'm like, no, get away, like trying to wave at it. And it was not scared of me. And it just looks at me and hisses with its yellow teeth. Oh. And I'm squatting, paralyzed, pooing, and the full moon there. Oh my God.

And just knowing that then downstairs in my room is this weird guy who thinks people can fly. And I'm like, I was like, I had a real out of body moment where I just started laughing. Like, I was just like, what is happening? It's the rat, the poo, the moon, the guy. And then your moon was hanging out too.

And then my moon was hanging out. Yeah. Wow. I ended up telling him, listen, you gotta go. Did you tell him about your digestive issues? I said, I'm not feeling well. And he was, he probably thought he could cure it or something, but. You just need to fly. You just need to fly, I mean, I feel like if people could just put

their minds to it and fly, there would be a lot of cases of this happening. I know. But then I've been listening to the telepathy tapes and it's really messing with my like paradigm. So I feel like we don't know, maybe, you know, you hear about those guys meditating in the snow, you know, in their underwear for years.

I don't hear about them. Oh, you don't? Tell me. No. We have different algorithms. Have you a fortune? I have not. Okay, yeah. If I hadn't heard about meditation in their underwear,

I was like, there is no world this news has reached fortune. Well, I guess I feel like I've seen things about like yogis who sit in the snow and they're basically naked and they meditate for years without eating and they're just using sunlight. Do you think this is true? Because I actually can't think of where I've heard this, but I just believe it. Well, I've heard about people who claim to be oxygenarians where they only live off of air.

And sunlight. Yeah. Oh, I mean. I didn't think that was possible. Wouldn't that be confirmed? Like there should be some tests on this. I feel like it would be the biggest Hollywood diet hack in the world.

I mean. Someone would have monetized that. Yes, this would be, this is the same with people thinking they can fly. Not only are you gonna see it like, you know, what are those things where drones, you'd see people flying and then you'd for sure, if somebody did it and they were like,

I could do it again, somebody's gonna get a camera out. Like. I have been seeing a lot of telekinesis on Instagram. I've seen people, it's like a new thing people practicing moving paper with their minds and stuff, but it's just videos. It could be fake. But did you see the news story about the pyramids recently? No. What? Thomas, back me up. No.

What's the news? What's the news about the pyramids? Yeah. I only have the old information about the pyramids. It's like, okay, BC. I okay, this hasn't been confirmed on the major news sites yet, but it's gathering traction. They did a radio analysis like a an analysis deep beneath the pyramids and they have found giant cylinders that go two kilometers deep beneath the pyramids and have like winding coil. It like changes everything we thought

about how they were built. And it's like, they think that these were energetic silos, like that the pyramids were some kind of energetic battery or harnessing system. And there's like these cylinders that are on top of blocks. Are you Googling it Thomas? No, no one cares. Everyone's just like.

No, I'm not. We're like. I did hear about this. I didn't read further, but that's what's so insane about the news is that Stephanie and I were just talking about this the other day that the astronauts that finally got saved and brought back to Earth, everybody's response like, Oh, right. Were they still gone? They were still gone. Yeah. And then we like the next day we're like, huh, well, yeah. Yeah. Everyone keeps commenting

that her hair got gray and I'm like, well, yeah the the woman astronaut I was commenting that her hair went great. It's like yeah It's like has what happens when fear gone for nine months and you're not dying your hair like you take how dare you? How dare this is all natural? Okay, these wrinkles these yellow Cracked teeth and gray hair, all mine. You're effortlessly handsome though. You just, you wake up, you splash water on your face. You head out the door.

That's right. A la vroom. Meanwhile, Fortune's got the therab, the, the, the, the de puff. The de puffer. The de puffer. The de puffer. Or it should just be called the de puffer.

The de puffer. The de De-de-puffer. De-de-puffer. De-de-puffer. Now, Fortune, I'm just realizing you sing a very sultry song. Do you feel insecure at all now that we know Bon Iver is our question asker? No, I feel like I'm amongst my peers. Hot people that can sing. Hot people that can sing. Well, should we hear his response?

100%. Being from a small town in Wisconsin, I did not expect my band to take off like it did and to be traveling the world at the level that we were. But we were getting a lot of looks from people. You know, it was all very surprising, but probably none more surprising than this story. In 2012, we're running around touring and we got an email from the people that represent

the Coen brothers, the filmmakers who are originally from this area. You know, I'm the biggest fan of their movies. And to put it into perspective before I tell you this story, I made movies growing up with my friends, my sports friends and I made movies and I was never allowed to be on camera because I was so bad at acting. I was always the director, dot, dot, dot.

We get an email from the Coen brothers, curious if I would read for one of their films. And I immediately was like, there's no way in high hell that I can do this. I definitely am not built for this. I don't wanna be any more famous than I just got. No. And I thought about it.

I couldn't stop thinking about it for a couple of days because it was just such a high honor. And I started getting really confusing thoughts like maybe this is something I was meant to do or maybe I need to grow into this. It's the Coen brothers, you know? So they sent a script and I like had it on the road and I'm a very kind of patchy reader.

They wanted to have a meeting in New York, so I read the script, but over the course of a month, I read it once and go to the Upper West Side into, I believe it was Joel Cohen's apartment. I was there with my brother, and they asked my brother to wait outside, and I thought that was kind of weird. I walk in, and embarrassingly now,

I said, you know, hey, I'm such a huge fan, it's so great to meet y'all. You know, I've been really thinking about this. I had worked myself into such a tizzy that I went in and said, you know, I'm totally willing to move my Australia tour to do this part, and, you know, let's really make this happen.

I was trying to talk to them about Minneapolis, and they were kind of like just, yeah, man, why don't we just sit down do this part and you know, let's really make this happen. I was trying to talk to him about Minneapolis and they were kind of like just, yeah man, why don't we just sit down and read for a little bit. Oh my God. In that moment it was the most dun-dun-dun moment in my life. Oh my God.

In that moment I realized that I was in an audition and I didn't know that. Oh my God. I was completely paralyzed. Oh. The movie ended up being acted by Oscar Isaac. It's a movie called Inside Lewin Davis. The lead part.

And so I'm sitting there, I'm a terrible actor. I've read this thing exactly once, and they're like, let's go to page four. And I'm so bad, I'm sitting like kind of curled up in the couch staring at the paper like this. Oh my God. We're kind of laughing laughing and I knew in that moment that they it was okay that they were laughing at me Experiences where if something doesn't feel right to you and you're not meant to do it maybe Just let it pass. Trust your gut.

That's insane. Good takeaway. But it's also, he does have that vibe where it feels like he could pull kind of anything off. I felt like I could watch him just, yeah, read a phone book. Yeah, he sucked me in just even with that story. So I'm not giving up on Justin.

Yeah, on his acting career. That is really funny though, that it was the lead part. He said, I'll change my tour. I'll change my tour. Oh my God. The other night I saw this ex of mine who is a writer and she was, this is one of my favorite stories, in the very beginning of her career. And, and she has pitch anxiety really bad, but she's successful now, very successful.

But in the early days when she went to pitch this movie, oh my God, she's pitching, she said she has like 4,000 pages, not really, but just a huge stack of pages that she has to get through with her pitch. And she starts just feeling like the room's closing in on her, you know, in the conference room with all the people staring at her. And, and she's like having an out of body experience,

like, oh my God. And her, she said her tongue starts swelling and she's sweating. And she's like, oh my God, are these my teeth? Are these my hands? Is this how, like, just like what it, like, who am I? Am I like, and then she said, after she started sweating, she asked everyone in the room, she's like, is it hot in here?

Are you guys hot? And everybody was sitting there going, no. And she's like, oh, I'm really hot. And she gets up from the table. She walks over to the, um, thermostat. And she said she's standing there looking at the thermostat and she's thinking, what am I doing? And she's trying to adjust the air. And she said she stood there for like, I don't know, a minute just staring at the thermostat going,

oh my God, I can't do this. And then she said the door was to her left and she just walked out the door. And what? Oh my God. Oh my God. That's the best. Oh my God.

Yeah, I really understand that. Cause once you get to the, you've made the decision to get up and adjust the temperature in the room of someone else's office. You know, you can't go sit back down. Being the executive's going, what just happened? What just happened? I'd be intrigued and impressed though, by someone that just walked out. Like I'd kind of rather that than someone who stays and mumbles through. I would die laughing if I was the executive and the person just walks out the door.

That's really good. I still think that the only reason I got feel good commission was that, cause I was bombing in every pitch and in the Netflix pitch the main guy at one point leaned back in his chair and then went, whoa, whoa, whoa, like that in his chair. He almost fell over and something in me,

like my inner tig almost came out and I wouldn't drop it. And I kept like coming back to it throughout the pitch and it gave me this confidence. Like, and I think the fact that I was really obsessed with that moment I think I think that got me through. That made you a star. It was just like humanized him in a way that I was like okay we're just people. We're all fumbling. We're fumbling through.

Well that is so so funny and what a great question. Yeah great question. And answer. Well, thank you, Justin. We are all massive fans. Massive, massive fans. I saw him live at a festival really quick and you could have heard, it was outdoors

and you could have heard like a pin drop of everyone just watching, this huge crowd. And I was crying, everyone's crying, deeply moved. Unrelated. And yeah, just attached crying, deeply moved. Unrelated. And yeah, unrelated, yeah, yeah, just attachment. Unhinged. And then I turned to my right and my friend Joe, who I thought was equally moved,

because he was just really sort of meditative. I realized that he's so drunk that he's falling asleep standing up, which is, he was holding a balloon like this, and he was just, and he was just, but everyone else. That's for you, Justin. Sorry. No, but. That was just because he was drunk. I saw him in an outdoor venue as well and I was sober, no balloons. Yeah. Very like,

almost a church like experience. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. That sexy voice like this. Not as sexy as Fortune. This sexy voice. And next time maybe one of us will have some whiskey and air our grievances. I still have a little nip. Fortune behave yourself. My voice is getting worse though. Well, we'll wrap this up. So listen, our live streaming show is this Saturday, April 12th.

Get your tickets now at our social media pages or dynastytypewriter.com. And also, if you enjoyed this episode or any other one, share this episode with your friends, family. Let's continue to build the handsome. You can say it, community. Community. with your friends, family, let's continue to build the handsome. Um, you can say it community community. Do you mean, I couldn't say it because I couldn't remember the word, but, um, also, um, rate and review us please. And subscribe to the podcast and subscribe to YouTube so you can see fortunes, sultry phase and gams and then also May's tinfoil hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And let us know what question askers you'd like to hear from. Yes. Yeah, I'm curious who people would wanna hear from. And also if you've gone to any of these hotels with May's top secret messages, reach out because we got a free key chain for you. Just waitin'. top secret messages. Yeah. Reach out because we got a free keychain for you. Just waiting.

I will say I forgot to hide one in the London hotel, so don't go there and look forever. But the one at the Silver Lake pool house is still there. Yeah, don't even go there, girl. What do you got coming up? Well, I have local shows at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter. I'll also be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th, and get all my show information and everything else you need to know about me at Tignotaro.com. Also my friends, Liz Feldman and Jesse Klein have a new incredible podcast called Here

to Make Friends produced by Mr. Thomas. And yeah, check that out. I cry on that episode. For real? Yes. I was not expecting that, but I did have a boohoo and I felt a little vulnerable. So there you go, Liz and Jesse, you're welcome for the numbers bump there because everyone's going to be running over to see me cry.

I'm just April 25th at Largo and also check out maymartinmusic.com because I'm adding some tour dates soon and there's cool merch and also I'm really grateful to everybody who's streaming the album and yeah, keep doing that. Yeah, my tour just started. So far so good. I will have a voice. Don't worry. Even if you don't, you have your Gams.

That's right. Yeah. I'm coming to Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Columbus, Greensboro, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids, Minneapolis, Kansas City, and we just added a ton of new dates for the fall that go on sale, that are on sale now. So check those out. What a podcast.

Yeah, what a podcast. Until next time, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast.

What a podcast. What a podcast. handsome pod. play and make stuff up on shows like Who's Line Is It Anyway or Let's Make a Deal. And we're now hosting a new improvised show called What If on the Head Gum Podcast Network. And on What If, we believe that improvisation is a conversation. So we get to have conversations with guests from the worlds of TV, film, tech, and literature. Guests like Bobby Moynihan, Aisha Tyler, LeVar Burton, and Adam Conover. We ask them the big ridiculous questions like What if you heard a monkey's feelings? What if your grandma was a secret agent? LeVar Burton and Adam Conover. We asked them the big, ridiculous questions like, What if you hurt a monkey's feelings? What if your grandma was a secret agent? What if Jonathan was invited to the cookout?

I'm not. And then we turned the conversation into spontaneous scenes, songs, well, because that's what we do. Subscribe to What If on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, wherever you get your podcasts, and watch episodes on YouTube. No script, no net, just What If.