Handsome - Bowen Yang asks about diner orders
Episode Date: July 22, 2025The hilarious Bowen Yang (SNL, Wicked, The Wedding Banquet) asks Handsome what their diner order says about them. Plus Mae shows off their "oil thing," a hit song titled "One Pool in Portugal...," and the perennial "ultimatum" vs "old tomato" debate!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a HeadGum Podcast.
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Handsome Pod.
Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod.
Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod.
Cheers.
Hello and welcome to the Handsome Podcast, the most handsome podcast this side of the
Missisip.
I am one of your hosts, Tig Notaro.
And I am one of your other ones, Mae Martin.
And I'm another one, Fortune Feimster.
And it is three of the most handsome hosts
of the Handsome Podcast.
Woohoo.
Yeah, baby.
Am I driving at home a little too hard?
Am I trying desperately to convince people?
That we're handsome?
Not really to convince anyone.
Okay.
It's all about how handsome you feel in your heart.
I feel handsome, but my eyesight is terrible and I'm not sure if how I feel inside is
matching on the outside.
Because I can't see myself on the, I think I need to get a different prescription for
my eyeballs.
Is it getting worse you think?
I know for a fact. I know for a fact. Okay.
I know for a fact.
Damn.
I was walking to meet Max and Finn and Stephanie
in a hot tub and I was like,
oh, I need to get my glasses.
Right, or else you're gonna have to crawl along,
feel the edge.
I mean, it just was a blur.
Them sitting in the hot tub, it was a blur.
So anyway, yeah.
I gotta get that sorted before I get back to Star Trek.
Yeah. Because when I left Star Trek,
I could see my surroundings and I can't anymore.
Oh no.
Right, but that might,
it might give you a kind of
mysterious air cause you'll be slightly squinting
in a kind of handsome way, kind of looking a little dazed.
Oh, well you haven't seen me on Star Trek, I guess.
Cause I am mysterious and handsome already.
Oh shit.
Yeah, I love that.
Yeah, Fortune loves it.
I love it.
Absolutely loves it. How are you Fortune? I'm doing good. I love it. Absolutely loves it.
How are you Fortune?
I'm doing good.
I'm having a nice day.
I got myself a coffee this morning
and a breakfast burrito.
Ooh yeah.
Oh wow.
What's in your burrito?
It was egg and cheese and some hash browns
and a little guac and a little sour cream. Although I think I'm over
melted cheese right now. I wanted to not have the cheese on there.
Over melted cheese? That's crazy talk.
It's because I had some pizza a couple weeks ago and it was, my friends ordered double cheese
My friends ordered double cheese and it was too much.
And now I'm having a break from cheese moment. I bet there are people outraged listening right now going,
there is no such thing as too much cheese.
You think that, but everyone in the group agreed
it was too much.
Okay.
Cause I led the charge at first,
I'm like, this is a lot of cheese,
I don't know about this.
And then, and they were like, you're crazy.
And then they agreed.
They're like, oh, it's too much cheese.
In general, I'm not a big even vegan cheese person
every now and then on a burger,
but there are some really fancy vegan cheeses
that if they're not melted, you know,
in that kind of situation, and you're just using as a dip
with a cracker or something, they're so good.
They're so good.
And I know there's also people yelling right now,
there's no such thing as good vegan cheese.
And you are wrong.
You are wrong.
I listen, I love cheese.
Y'all know how I feel about a charcuterie board.
It's just the melted cheese right now
I'm taking a break from.
Okay.
Okay, I'll cancel the fondue I was gonna send to your house.
I'm a big, big cheese guy.
Yeah, I mean, normally I'm fine with it,
but I just, yeah, I don't know.
I found myself a bench, which y'all know I love,
and I took my coffee and my burrito to the park bench
and sat there and ate and enjoyed life, and it was lovely.
Did you have some special thoughts and feelings
or just like, this is good, hold the cheese?
I had both where I was just eating a burrito and then other times where I was being reflective
and thinking about life and all the things and going down different paths in my head.
It was a combo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It'd probably be a fun thing to know, send in their little bench moments.
Oh, that's true. That's true. Yeah.
I have a handsome bench moment.
Yeah. Send us your handsome bench moments. If you're having
fun, pleasant thoughts or deep, intense thoughts or even ginger thoughts, you know,
any anything will take any thoughts. But I have to say, when I had my
little bench moment, it was such a fun, like, oh my God, there's a bet. And I certainly
have sat on my share of benches, but it was a whole new experience since your bench moment.
I have to admit, I think I missed the whole bench conversation and I'm like, I'm on board. I think
benches are great, but I think I forget, like, did we talk about benches a lot?
We did at some point. I don't remember. I don't remember if it was part of a question and I
answered. Somehow I brought up that I really love sitting on benches. Like I'll go around, like especially during the times
I've been going through where it's just been a bit heavier.
I've been driving to like parks or if I'm on the road,
I'll walk around town and if I see a bench,
I really enjoy sitting on it and it just brings out
a lot of like introspective thoughts
or I'm just enjoying the day and the sunshine.
So yeah, I was just talking about loving a bench.
And then my mom and I have been doing some videos
when I go visit her on the bench.
Yes, yeah, okay.
Where we're sharing her updates.
It's also so fun to just people watch on a bench.
Yeah, I do that too.
That is a grand old time.
You know what my favorite, I keep getting on my algorithm or whatever.
One of my favorite types of videos that I see is picture this person.
Maybe they're eating a sandwich, they're on their lunch break.
They go sit on a bench next to a statue.
You know how sometimes they have a statue on a bench?
I guess what?
It's not a statue. It's a person in disguise.
And then the statue moves and the person, I love that.
Oh, like, are you talking about those people, like when you're in the French
quarter in New Orleans or something?
Or you're somebody.
Tin man. Yeah.
And they just stand very still.
And I do love a good prank like that.
I think I would notice that that person, that it was not a statue.
I feel like I would know the difference.
Well, you'd smell the sweat and the paint
as they're baking in the sun.
Yeah.
I would say you'd smell the pain.
Yeah, the pain.
Why are people doing that?
It must be a community that's passionate about it
because there are other easier things you could do, you know, to busk or whatever. So it must be a, maybe there's a whole thing, statue community.
Clearly there is. I'm just curious what makes up the person that is like, I'm going to paint my body this metallic color and then go stand out and not move for long stretches of time.
I think they like scaring people.
Maybe they like the, maybe there's a little sadism sprinkled in there because that's pretty
fun to spook people all day.
You get the scream and then a big laugh.
Why not just hide behind a bush and then jump out?
I mean, that's so much quicker. You see somebody come in, hide behind a bush and then jump out? I mean, that's so much quicker.
You see somebody come in, hide behind a bush, boo.
Boo, he loves a bush.
Yeah.
What?
What?
Fortune Marie.
I'm just saying, you love a bush.
I love a bench.
I love a blush, a taint.
Yeah, your a taint.
Yeah, your lip taint. Yeah, yeah.
I'm quitting this podcast.
No.
That was what pushed you over the edge?
Yes, I've had enough.
Don't do it.
I'm trying to get this conversation going about 10 people.
Which is an important conversation to have.
It is, and hopefully those people get big tips
when they do this and it makes it all worth it.
Big what?
Tips.
Okay, all right, I have to keep an eye on you.
Just the tip.
That would be a good, you know,
they put like a little sign on a jar by the tip jar.
Just the tip would be good.
Yeah, just the tip.
Yeah.
Guys, I'm eating a lot of cheese because I'm staying with my parents right now in Toronto
and they love like a stinky cheese.
Like I feel like you hit 70 and you just want salty morsels in your fridge, just the charcuterie type objects.
And so I've been eating cheese and then having vivid cheese dreams, talking in my sleep like
crazy.
About cheese or cheese is causing weird dreams.
It's causing it.
That's a real proven scientific fact.
Okay.
A may fact.
I don't know about this.
You don't know that cheese causes dreams?
No, I just know that it's not good for your skin and it's actually pretty bad for you.
It's good for your subconscious.
It torments you all night.
I don't like stinky, stinky cheese.
You don't like stinky?
Not super stinky.
I don't want to be smelling it.
Oh really?
You know what I used to really be into when I was not vegan was a blue cheese burger.
Yes.
I like blue cheese dressing with my Hooters chicken wings.
I know you do girl.
Someone had sent me a Hooters gift card for my birthday and they're all closed in
Southern California or in LA.
You're going to have to hunt one down.
I'm going to have to go on the road and use this gift card.
Oh my goodness.
When you know you talk about something way too much, when people start sending you gift
cards for it.
Tell me about it.
The stuff that I was getting on on tour from handsome listeners
and I'm like, well, I guess I'm obsessed with like weird objects and crystals and marbles
and vibrators and hello.
Wait, and vibrators?
Hello.
It's me.
You're not really giving one of those?
Fortune, why do you keep doing this? To our wonderful conversation.
May posted a vibrator pic once and it broke the internet.
Oh, and it-
Wait, what did you do?
Am I crazy?
I won-
Yes, yes you are.
The only brand partnership I've ever done
was for a sex toy and I posted it,
but no, I don't get given vibrators on the road.
And how did you break the internet doing that?
It got a lot of engagement.
Oh, okay.
Fortune keeps tabs on the level of engagement.
Have I ever posted anything that's broken the internet?
Oh yeah, you broke the internet with your zombie picture in the flight suit.
But I didn't post that.
Oh, okay.
Doesn't matter.
It broke the internet.
It does.
I'm trying to figure out if I have ever broken the internet with anything.
Well, we know you are not going to post anything, so someone has to post it about you to break it.
Me?
Yeah. I just posted something several break it. Me? Yeah.
I just posted some several days ago.
That's right, I forgot.
But you hadn't been posting and now you're posting again.
Well, I don't know that I'm on an upswing of posting.
I do have days though where I'm like, man,
I am gonna get on this whole posting thing
and I'm just gonna like, this is the new
me.
This is the new me.
And then.
And then it's insta stories constantly.
Get ready to dig.
I have to say when I was in Toronto, I got way more involved in Instagram than I had
ever been.
Like I had never posted a story until I lived in Toronto for Star Trek this last year.
That's loneliness though.
That's like you were there for months.
Your family's not there.
You're just reaching out.
And then as soon as I got home,
I was like, now I know how to post stories
and I get the whole stories thing,
but I'm not like doing what I was doing before.
Right.
But I do, I really do have those moments where I'm like,
man, I'm gonna like, I'm gonna really get this going.
And then-
You gotta do a sex toy photo.
That's the thing.
Yeah, do that.
Yeah, I'll have to do that.
Can you do a TikTok dance?
I'm not on TikTok.
Okay.
What May?
I regret it.
I was going to say, do you guys use vibrators?
I love how high your voice went.
I just wanted to do everything.
I got to say, I don't really, I mean, I did the brand partnership for sure, but like on my own, I'm not really using them.
I might incorporate into it.
That's surprising.
I thought you would be using one of those.
What, constantly?
Hold on one second.
I just realized you do this sometimes when you talk.
I think when you talk about something uncomfortable,
you put your finger on your nose.
Me?
Yeah, you do that.
Oh my God.
You just-
Yeah, you do that. That exact thing. That exact thing.
Okay, you know what I noticed I do as well is because you know I have a phobia of being like shiny or oily.
So I'm constantly, if you're watching on YouTube, you'll see me like dabbing my face and that's what I'm doing. And then
guess what? Not that we're beauty influencers, but we are the yourself. Do you know what that is?
Yeah, it's an oil thing. I already said it, Fortune.
By the way, neither of us have the right word for it.
Is it or is it not an oil thing?
It's an oil thing.
Well, I said it first, Fortune.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
Oil thing.
Also beauty influencers.
This is a...
Oh my God, we should be beauty influencers that fight.
And that don't know the words for anything.
Yeah.
Like what my oil thing. And that don't know the words for anything. Yeah.
Let go of my oil thing.
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V dot com slash handsome for 25% off. Is there a proper word for it?
Yes, actually, it's called a blotting paper. And since I was about 12 years old, my mom has been
pushing these on me, like saying, you got to get into blot years old, my mom has been pushing these on me,
like saying, you gotta get into blotting paper
because my mom's very oil conscious.
I always wanted to be very matte, a matte creature.
So then today I finally, she was like,
do you want some blotting papers for the road?
As I headed out and I said, yeah.
And then look at me go, I'm loving it.
So now you might-
Oh my gosh. what is this partnership no this is just like I think that seems good
for you if you're worried about oil that's a perfect marriage right there
absolutely and I think I just was rebelling against my mom for years
something about her saying the words blotting paper annoyed me I don't know
what you know you're fine mom I don't need blotting paper annoyed me. I don't know. I know you're fine, mom. I don't need blotting paper. It's not 1960 or whatever.
And then I don't know what that meant, but then, um,
I would have just looked at my mother and said, say again,
and that would have put an end to the conversation.
I'm sorry. Say that to me one more time.
Say that to me one more time. Say it to me one more time.
Once is never enough.
With a man like you.
What do you think?
I don't know what we're singing.
What is that? And what's the person asking to hear again?
Say it to me one more time?
Is that a Lionel Richie song?
No. What do they want the person to say?
This something sexy, like do you use vibrators?
Well, isn't it do that to me one more time?
In the song, do that to me one more time.
Do it to me one more time.
Well, we're singing different songs.
Captain and Tennille.
Do that to me one more time.
Oh yeah, that's the song.
Once is never enough.
Don't think I haven't noticed that.
Why is a man like you?
That's all Tig right there y'all.
Whoa, do that to me one more time.
Once is never enough.
Whoa. Wow. I didn't know I was capable of such. We didn't know you were capable of that. time once is never enough. Oh, wow.
I didn't know I was capable of such.
We didn't know you were capable of that.
Wow.
What a treat.
Can we loop that a few times on this episode, please?
Yeah.
I have noticed that neither of you answered the question about them.
Interesting.
Um, I am without those.
I will tell you.
I do sometimes.
Yes, Fortune!
Yes, Fortune!
Yes!
Fortune Marie!
What?
Listen, I do sometimes as well, so that's two against one,
but it's just not my go-to usually.
It sounds like it's Fortune's 24-7.
Good Lord, take a break.
You guys, I'm blushing.
I mean, I don't want you to electrocute yourself. You guys, I'm blushing.
I mean, I don't want you to electrocute yourself.
I need a blotting pad.
You need an oil thing.
Well, my concern, and we'll move off this topic for sure.
No, we won't.
No, please stay on this as long as possible.
I wanna know Fortune's schedule. There's no schedule. It's just, you know,
when the mood takes you. But my concern is that like, buzz, buzz, buzz. Go on. I worry
that I would get a, then I wouldn't be able to not use it if you know what I'm
saying, if you catch my drift.
Like you get it, then you get addicted to the vibration.
Like if you use it too much?
Yeah, it's not hard to wait, catch that drift.
Are you saying if you use it too much?
Yeah, like I've dated a lot of people.
Fortune, are you worried?
Yes, you are.
Yeah.
I am not worried.
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry. Are you saying if you did too many times, you would. Yeah. Uh-huh. I am not worried.
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
Are you sad if you did it too many times?
What happens?
Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.
Oh gosh.
Why would you need new batteries?
Go on, Mae.
I'm sorry, Tig.
This is rudely interrupting.
Tig, you are on one today.
I know.
What's going on?
Have you, did you have a bunch of decaf coffees or what?
You know what?
I had a little bit of regular coffee today,
I will be honest.
And I did play doubles tennis with my family.
Whoa.
We can tell you're hopped up on life.
Yeah.
Wait, who were the teams?
Well, we switched.
Everybody had a chance to be on everybody's team.
So we played for a little over an hour.
And Max and Finn are just learning how to play tennis.
And Stephanie and I are just getting back
into the swing of things with tennis.
But man, I cannot recommend.
Like if you have two kids, that is a really good game to play, a really
good sport.
Do you feel pressure to let them win, like not to go too hard on them?
No.
You're like, I pounce on them and beat them.
No, Finn is so competitive.
It's like, it's a whole thing.
It is like, it's a-
So is Stephanie.
And so is Stephanie, okay?
And then you got me and Max.
You haven't played with me.
I'm a college tennis player, so.
Fortune, those are truly getting bigger, your guns.
This is insane.
What, these old things?
I mean, come on, May, why are you not?
Everybody calm down. Look, I have, look at my guns.
May's got the guns.
Everybody's bringing the guns.
I've got pretty good guns.
Guys, I just felt, I just had a flash.
Wait, hold on, hold on.
My left ones, I don't think, yeah, not much happening there.
It's this one.
But Fortune, do you see mine?
Yeah, you got some great guns.
I just had a flash of how embarrassing it is, how many times
we've shown each other our guns on this podcast.
I just was like, this podcast is just three of us being like, Oh, guys,
no, look at that.
Three, three little ladies and ladies just showing the guns.
What? We're proud of them. This freaking Treaded Water is hard. Hell yeah. for you little ladies and ladies just showing the guns.
We're proud of them.
This freaking treading water is hard.
Hell yeah.
How many times a week are you treading now, twice?
Three or four when I'm home, like home home.
But if I'm out, I'm traveling a lot like twice.
Fortune, that's insane.
That's incredible.
I will say the last couple of weeks
I have been enjoying lollygagging in the pool.
Is that what you call using your vibrator?
Thank you.
That's a leaf blower.
Yeah, that is a leaf blower.
Which I also use.
I was gonna say, sounds like you'll take anything.
Oh my Lord.
It's I see you so differently, fortunately, but go on.
Well, you know,
oh, it's those kind of times.
Yeah, man.
I'm actually because I'm tomorrow, I go to Portugal for a week with my family
and there's a pool. So I'm like, maybe there'm tomorrow, I go to Portugal for a week with my family and there's a pool.
So I'm like, maybe there's a pool in Portugal.
There's one pool in Portugal.
There's one pool in Portugal.
And I'll see you there.
One pool in Portugal.
Won't you join me in the air?
Jam.
One pool in Portugal.
Just stop and stare.
How many times I have to rhyme these words?
God, I really painted myself in a corner.
One pool in Portugal.
Okay, come on, tell us about the pool in Portugal.
I mean, I'm scared.
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Tell us about the pool, buddy.
This song's going to...
Tell us about your little swimming pool in Portugal.
One pool in Portugal. One pool in Portugal.
I'm the one over here getting slammed for a vibrator.
Nothing's gonna beat that song.
I was just gonna say.
What song?
One pool in Portugal.
May tell us about your little dream.
I was simply going to say it might be a fun activity with my family to tread in
the morning. Yes. Yeah. That would be great. Low. Low.
It'd be the four of you. Yeah. And my brother's wife.
Yeah. And my brother's wife.
So.
In one pool in Portugal.
Oh my God.
It's so hot.
Pointing hands as a family.
We came here from Canada.
Thomas just wrote, Tig, can you move off the mic?
Oh, you're coming into hot, Tig.
One pool in Portugal.
Tig's coming in hot.
Yeah.
I had a little caffeine this morning and you know.
Had no clue.
Yeah.
This is why I steer clear of it.
One bully bought you go.
Oh, here goes Fortune with the DePuffer.
This is a wild episode so far.
This is not. Wait a minute.
Everything's making sense about the puffer.
This is the puffer for my face.
It looks so good, y'all.
Oh, it's getting loud, sorry.
That's all right, girl.
Are you excited for your trip with your family?
I am excited, yeah.
It's like we haven't all been under.
That's the answer of somebody excited.
Yeah, I am. Yeah, I am excited.
Yes, excited to go to one pool in Portugal with my family.
I love Portugal. It's gorgeous.
Oh, you've been? Yeah, many times.
Did you go to because I lived in Spain?
I'm going to like a little island in the Azores
and it's the first time that we've all been on a plane
together in like 20 years.
Like it's gonna be crazy.
And I'm curious, like they're,
my parents don't really use smartphones
and they navigate the world in a different way.
So I'm like,
What do they use?
Like they unfold a map and stuff?
They use a book from Rick Steves.
Though who's Rick Steves?
Yeah, who's that?
Guys!
Two against one, tell us who it is.
Rick Steves is only the premier tour person that people buy his books to get his recommendations
to find out what cute little boutique hotels he loves, what cities he enjoys, where to
go eat.
How dare you put some respect on Rick Steves name.
Let me look up and make sure that is his name.
He was popular back in the day.
I don't, yep.
American travel writer, Rick Steves.
I mean, who doesn't wanna listen to this guy?
I'm happy to listen to him.
I'm just learning about him,
but I don't need to be yelled at about Rick Steves.
He's on a bike in front of the Eiffel Tower with a scarf.
Rick Steves, 70 years old.
Well, please send some pictures.
Oh, Fortune's still talking about.
Sorry.
Rich D's.
May, do you have plans?
You know what you're doing?
One pool in Portugal.
I'll be in the one pool.
It's like, well, when you're a kid
and you're flying with your parents,
they're taking care of you.
They're like, do you want a snack?
You want your crayons?
No, they weren't.
But I'm the one that's like.
I'm the one that's like,
I'm like, mom, what can I get you?
Sit here, let me go get your stuff.
See, we got dumped off of the airport
with little pins on our shirt that said American Airlines.
And then, anyway, but go on,
your parents made sure you had things to eat.
Well, I was just saying,
well, Fortune's saying that that'll be made this time.
I'll be like trying to make sure they're hydrated and you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we're going to go to hot springs.
We're going to go. We're going to eat fish.
We're going to see if my dad's still allergic to cod.
We'll find out.
Oh, do we want to test that?
Do we want to test that?
Are you going to see if you're still allergic to coconut?
I know that I am because I that woman that I told.
The lotion, yeah.
And my hand got all red and funny feeling
because that woman put lotion on me.
Well, speaking of lotion, in a crazy twist in life,
I just got, even, it's so funny
that we were talking about this with meet and greets,
I just got approached to revisit meet and greets
for my next tour.
Oh wow.
I think you should do it.
I don't know, Tig's not really a meet and greet kind of gal.
No, maybe we should turn it to the listeners.
Like should somebody like me
do a meet and greets?
Well, they wanna meet you, but the thing is,
you wanna meet them. I wanna meet them.
I just don't want people grabbing my booty, you know?
Okay, well, what about if you-
Or your dumpster tits.
I'll come with you.
Hey, off my dumpster tits, lady.
You'll come with me?
I'll come on tour with you and then they can meet me after I'll do the meet and
greets. May is good at meet and greets.
You do the shows and then I'll do the meet and greets. They can grab my booty.
Oh, look at that. That's perfect.
You can like, um, you can, uh, set it so that it's only a certain number.
Yeah, that's what I do.
Spending like a crazy amount
of time on it. How long do your main greets last? Me? Well, I probably met about I put
a cap on like 30 people and so it would take a good hour, hour and a half because I was
chatting a lot. You can't stop me. That's a long time. I think I kept mine up 40. And it probably is about 45 minutes.
Whoa, in and out. So people are getting a minute.
Oh, they get a big hug though. And that's nice. Yeah. And they get pictures hugging
me and then then the pictures together like, I sign their little, they get a-
You pull the guns out.
They get a, what is this called?
A broad?
A credential.
They get a VIP?
A vibrator.
A credential.
Oh, credential.
And I sign it.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I mean, we're just efficient.
I have a pretty amazing tour manager that keeps it.
See, I'm having, I'm talking about astrology.
I'm talking, I'm getting deep with everybody.
So it does take a while.
Tigs will last 20 minutes for 50 people.
Keep it moving.
They just walk past me and I go, hi, nice to meet you.
Keep it moving.
No, I, yeah, it's just an interesting thing to consider.
And especially right after it came up
after that Eureka Springs and the discussion we had.
But, you know, I'll think about it.
I'll see what our listeners say.
Should I do a meet and greet?
Maybe we could do a poll on social media.
Yeah, let's get it going.
Should I do a meet and greet
as long as nobody touches my sweet, sweet booty?
Booty hole.
Booty hole.
Yeah.
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Don't touch Tig's booty hole when you're in Portugal.
I was going to say in Pakistan.
One booty in Pakistan.
I got pulled over by the Portugal police.
You did?
For swimming in the pool?
No, I was, I guess I got in the speed trap.
I went off the freeway to take a more scenic route.
And when I got off the freeway,
they were just pulling people over left and right
for speeding.
And it was kind of-
Why were you speeding through a scenery?
I didn't know what the speed limit was.
And it was-
But shouldn't you be driving slower
if you're looking at things?
Well, I was getting to the scenic route.
I was on route to it and it was kind of scary
because they pulled me over and I had to,
they took my passport and left for like 45 minutes with it.
Whoa, that was scary.
Mm-hmm.
What are you like when you get pulled over?
Is that the only time you've been pulled over?
No, I've gotten pulled over a couple of times
in my life for speeding.
Do you get nervous?
I'm sorry.
Are you an aggressive driver, Fortune?
No, it's just in my life,
I've maybe been pulled over four times.
I don't think that's crazy.
No, that's not too bad.
Let's see, one, two, three, five times, five times.
Wow, the fact that you can count.
I'm good at counting.
I don't get pulled over much.
I'm good at counting.
I don't get pulled over much
because Stephanie does most of the driving.
Right.
And so she gets pulled over.
And we've been together for 12 years.
So that's really cut into my amount of,
woo!
I love driving.
Mm-hmm.
I enjoy it as well.
I'll be the one that drives you all around.
And drives us crazy.
Wait, we haven't got our question yet.
Oh, man!
We should get to it.
Yeah, let's do it.
I'm excited about this one.
I mean, I always am.
Let's be clear.
Yes, be clear.
Let's be queer and let's be clear.
Yeah.
Today's question asker is an actor, comedian and podcast host
who's written for and performed on SNL since 2018.
He hosts the hit podcast Last Culture Estas, which is airing a culture
award special on Bravo and Peacock on August 5th. I'm pumped
about that. He starred in movies like Fire Island and Wicked. Bowen Yang is asking today's question.
Woo. Love him. Hi, Tig. Hi, May. My question is, what is your diner order and what does that say Okay, let's unpack this.
Oh my gosh.
Wait, wait, that's the first time that's ever happened.
That is the first time.
Wow.
Let me say, I am so glad I wasn't the one left out because I would be spinning out.
I'm fine.
I'm fine, you guys.
You don't have to leave me in that leaf blower alone. You don't have to pretend to be fine. I'm fine. You guys don't have to leave me in my leaf blower alone.
You don't have to pretend to be fine.
You go home and blow up your leaf blower and self-soothe.
I'm sure he went in his head.
He probably said it. Yeah, for sure.
And you know, I'll I'll I'll I'll switch it out.
You can pretend like he said your name and he didn't say mine.
OK, that will help.
And so the question was, what's your level?
I still love him, though. He's so funny.
I know. And his podcast, Last Culture East is with Matt Rogers is so funny.
I don't know if you guys have listened, but so funny.
And they've had everyone on it and they're hilarious.
And they have these great bits that they pull from it for social media this
I don't think so honey moment where for a whole minute you rant about something and it's one of my favorite things to watch
It is really good
Wait the question was what's your diner order? I oh, okay
I forgot what the question was because I was a little distracted.
Well, you were freaking out, let's be honest. We were all freaking out.
I mean, you know, I have to say I had a really classic diner order the other day, which I don't
typically order this, but it was so good. And actually, when we were talking about cheese
earlier and vegan cheese, I had a full on Beyond Meat burger with vegan cheese and onion rings.
Oh, onion rings. I love an onion ring. I love onion rings.
I love them. But also, sometimes when the whole onion comes out of the, you know what I mean?
You can't just bite.
Yeah, get a bigger problem, Mae.
Get a bigger problem.
I thought you were going to say sometimes it's too crispy.
I love a really crispy onion ring.
Oh, me too.
Me too.
Yeah, yeah.
My God, dip in ketchup?
Get out of my way.
Yeah.
So I just had that order days ago.
Okay, that's pretty, that is classic.
And do you have it with fries or salad or what?
Onion rings, Meg.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
But it is, there are some places
that let you do half and half, half fries,
half onion rings, and that is a real treat.
What a generous restaurant that lets you do half onion half, half fries, half onion rings, and that is a real treat. That's living.
What a generous restaurant that lets you do
half onion rings and half.
For real.
More people should.
Why wouldn't they?
You know what I love that's half and half,
that Stephanie still is like, what are you doing?
I do half soups, do you do those?
Oh no.
What do you mean?
Where you have the bowl, you have them put half of one flavor of soup and then you have
the other, you have them put the other half in and you do, you have a 50-50 bowl of soup.
Give us two of your favorites together.
Well, I mean anything like lentil soup and tomato soup, you know?
Wow.
Anything, anything, anything, anything.
Is that a thing or you just invented it?
No, it's a thing and it's something you can do.
I'm not hurting this.
I'm trying to imagine like a chicken noodle
with a tomato or something, that's crazy.
Well, you don't always have to throw a tomato in there.
Yeah.
There really has to be part tomato for something else.
That's a strong flavor.
Tomato soup.
Chicken soup and lentil would be pretty good.
Yeah, like I would have to go broth to broth
or cream to cream,
but I don't know if I'd wanna do like
broth to cream.
You say this until you have it and it's so delicious.
Yeah, I guess I'll have to try it at a Whole Foods
one of these days.
I wanna be in charge of it.
I don't want someone doing it for me.
Why wouldn't you be in charge of it?
Nobody's gonna like barrel over there at Whole Foods
and be, excuse me, excuse me.
No, I'm saying if you like went to a restaurant
and was like, hey, can you give me half this?
Then they're in charge of it.
I would do this experiment at like a Whole Foods.
Right, where you're doing the amounts and the ratios and the ladling and yeah. Did you
guys know that diners use it? I was going to say I'll have what she's having or something,
but then I couldn't think of how to say it.
Is that When Harry Met Sally?
Yeah, that's my only diner reference, but I think that diners originated as train carriages
and they were called lunch cars.
May fact, may fact.
You don't seem confident about this may fact though.
No.
No, it's really coming from the deep recesses of my mind.
May false, may false.
May false.
My diner order would be a chicken schnitzel,
mashed potatoes, gravy, and some steamed broccoli
or something, but like steamed so much
that it's like mush almost.
Or peas, I love peas.
I love peas.
But also, I just took a classic breakfast,
crispy bacon, rye toast, fried eggs,
and a black coffee, drip coffee that they're refilling.
And then you pretend that you're in like the 50s
and you're like a beat poet
and that you're kind of hung over
and you're like, the 2.99 breakfast please.
You know, and you got your little notebook.
Yeah.
And do you roll your jeans up your blue jeans up?
Yes, you do. And you put your pack of cigarettes in there, your sleeve, your t-shirt.
I did eat at a diner with May when we had our live show in Austin.
And yeah, thanks for inviting me ordering like a king.
I'll have one more of this and one more of that.
Add this.
I was like, wow, cool.
Fancy, May, wasn't I invited?
I think you'd already left.
I think we're flying out.
Yeah, my flight got delayed.
But I had a hash brown, I remember that much.
And it was tasty, I love a hash brown.
I remember there was a diner when I lived in Denver
that had like a fried fish sandwich,
like kind of like a McDonald's style low rent
where it's like in a square and tartar sauce.
And I remember really liking that.
It's just so soothing the atmosphere
because it's like you're out at a restaurant
but there's no errors and graces.
It's like casual home cooking.
You're like, the waiters are gonna be friendly like you're I it's a nice place to be
I could sit in a diner all day. Yeah
If I'm going to a diner in the breakfast that I'm not really a breakfast for dinner kind of gal
I know some people love that. I if'm eating breakfast, I prefer it in the
breakfast hours. I'm usually doing a hash brown, extra crispy. I'm doing one scrambled
egg. I don't like it when they give me three because I know I'm not going to eat it and
I don't like to be wasteful.
Okay. I like your style.
Then I like either one waffle or one pancake.
Something sweet.
A sweet and salty, right?
Yeah.
Have you been to Millie's on Sunset?
No, I don't know what that is.
It's a great dinery breakfast place,
but they do these waffles that are so fluffy
and you can do like a, or you can do a single pancake.
Oh yeah. You have a gluten-free
blueberry pancake if you want. Do you remember when it was popular to have fat-free stuff?
Oh yeah, that was big when I was a kid. It was so funny. Stephanie and I were just talking about
that the other day. Just people that were on fat-free diets where they'd be like, they'd stock up on fat-free cookies and fat-free crackers
and fat-free cheese and waffles and pancakes.
But now we know fats are healthy and good, right?
Like now we don't do fat-free, we do like gluten-free
or like low sodium.
Well yeah, I mean, there's no world, any of that stuff is
like if you're getting serious about your health,
you're not gonna get like 10 boxes of fat free cookies.
But that was the fat.
I talk about it in standup right now.
I had to go to a nutrition class
and it was all about counting fat grams.
Seriously? When did you do that?
When I was 12.
My mom signed me up for a nutrition class.
What did you learn?
Nothing.
Like nothing stuck with you?
No.
Cause it's probably all outdated now too.
It was, yeah, it was like, it was counting fat grams.
It was like, and so they were just making foods.
I joke that we, I went from eating
Chips Ahoy cookies to snack wells.
They just made other cookies that said fat free.
So it was like, oh, these, I can eat these
because they're fat free.
And that meant nothing.
Right.
That's what I used to think.
I think I had a bit about that too,
with like Twinkie lights is what they were called.
And they were just like half the size of normal Twinkies.
So I was like, okay, now I can have two.
You know, it's just like. Do you like Twinkies. I was like, okay, now I can have two. Do you like Twinkies?
I did as a kid. I haven't had them in decades.
They weren't really big in Canada, but we had Joe Louis, which are kind of the equivalent
in that it's like Thomas is nodding. How would you describe it?
Joe Louis. It's like a chocolate cake,
like the consistency of kind of one of those
like little Debbie type cakes.
And it has a vanilla in-fried.
And it's dipped in chocolate,
but it comes like individually wrapped
and it never goes out of date.
Like, I don't know, like the last 20 years.
I actually have a story.
Thomas has a story.
I'm gonna volunteer it because my mom,
the last thing she ate.
We'll edit all this out.
We'll edit this out.
But the last thing she ate before she gave birth to me
was a Joe Louis, so my name was almost Joe Louis Ouellette
because of her.
Oh my God. We should name almost Joe Louis will let because name me.
Joe Louis.
Joe Louis.
It's not look like a Joe Louis, but it explains a lot like that's such a joyful snack.
And the fact that and they would have been in like a vending machine in the hospital
or something probably.
And you have a joyful Joe Louis energy.
Yeah.
Wait, who was the Joe? I can morph your face into Joe Louis energy. Yeah. Who was the Joe?
I can morph your face into Joe Louis. No problem.
Who was Joe Louis?
Chocolat.
Did Joe Louis work in a button factory?
Oh, it's a combination of two of them.
My name is Joe.
Here we go. Oh, guys. Interesting.
It was a well, you be the judge if it's interesting.
It does not refer to the boxer Joe Louis.
It's a combination of the names of two of the Vashon sons.
That's the company that made the snacks, Joseph and Louis.
And then it said the popular misconception arises
because the cake resembles a chocolate version of the Mae West,
which was named after the actress Mae West.
Anyway, you like that? It's okay.
I love that.
Loved it.
Let's hear it again.
Let's hear it one more time.
I loved it.
Every second of it.
I would have bet my life
that it was named after the boxer Joe Louis.
So there you go.
I've never even heard of Joe Louis.
I sound out on all of this.
That's fair.
Tay, how dare you. If I'm going to
a diner at night. Yeah. Oh, back to this. I want a good like either a cheeseburger. Yeah.
Or a club sandwich. Oh yes. Oh my gosh. A BLT. Oh, something about that sourdough bread toasted
at these diners.
It's so good.
Yeah.
And it's like the vegan bacon in there.
And if they could give me half fries, half onion rings,
I'd be real pumped.
And 50 50 soup.
I either want crinkle cut fries or skinny fries.
Crinkle cut fries for me.
Skinny. I don't want theinkle cut fries for me. Skinny.
I don't want the big fat fries.
I don't want curly fries and I don't want...
I don't like Cajun flavor on the fries.
Me neither.
I don't like...
Get that, stop it.
Just stop it.
Yeah. Stop it.
I could do a little Cajun flavor but...
No, I don't want the orange ones.
Yeah, when the dust all accumulates in one bit
and then you have one that's way too flavorful.
And then if I'm feeling really naughty,
tell us girl. A milkshake.
Milkshake or cheesecake.
Or a banana split.
I mean, come on, you're already at a diner.
Might as well get a banana split. I mean, come on, you're already at a diner. Might as well get a banana split.
Go for it.
Yeah.
I'm not-
This makes me wanna go to a diner.
I haven't had a banana split in like 25 years
and I don't know why I'm counting.
I love a banana milkshake
with real bananas though.
Oh, banana milkshake with real bananas, that is good.
Wait, what do you mean real bananas?
There's not real bananas in banana?
Some people use the powdered as disgusting.
You need a real chopped up bananas in this milkshake.
I've never heard of banana powder.
It's out there, boo.
Oh, and it tastes like medicine.
It's like, yeah, it's not good.
It's out there, baby boo.
Oh, I love when you call me that.
That's all I wanna call you now.
I don't think I look like Baby Boo with my military haircut.
Yes you do.
I've seen that soft side.
I've seen that soft side of you Baby Boo.
Well there's always a soft side under, you know,
tough guy, military head.
Yeah, I've seen G.I. Jane.
There's a soft side.
I bet you guys have not watched this,
the queer ultimatum on Netflix. have any of y'all watched it?
You've been watching it?
Yeah, of course, I just started the new season.
It's pretty interesting.
I've seen all of it.
No, you haven't.
No, you haven't.
Do you want me to tell you what it is?
Sure.
Well, it's these lesbian couples.
I don't know, there's maybe like seven, six of them.
I don't know.
And they give their partner an,
one person has given their partner an ultimatum.
We either get married or we break up.
Maybe I've heard of this.
Yeah.
And then they go on television as you do when you've been given an ultimatum.
And you meet these other couples that have also given ultimatums.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Are you saying ultimatum or old tomato?
Old...
I almost spat.
Old tomatoes.
Are you saying old tomatoes?
No, the prep, please.
Can it be... I almost spat. Old tomatoes. Old tomatoes.
Old tomatoes.
No, the prep, please.
Can it be the old tomato queer edition?
The old tomato queer edition.
Because I would be on the old tomato show.
Like if I had to just grow tomatoes.
That is so funny.
One member of the couple has given the other one an old tomato.
That's the older lesbian.
Yeah, I'll host the queer old tomato,
and then I'll give the winner an old tomato.
Everyone has to live on a farm.
I'm in, go on.
So then you mingle with all the other couples
because what's gonna happen is you are going to pick someone
from another couple to live with for three weeks and pretend to be married to them.
Complete stranger. And then you do that for three weeks.
You pretend?
Yeah.
And they go, well, you might hook up with them, but you might not.
You don't have to. These are people who are about to maybe get married,
and then they go live for three weeks, so they all fall in love with their new partner.
They do?
Oftentimes.
And yeah, like half of them do.
Yeah, half of them hate each other.
And some of them have sex.
Yeah, they do.
Technically, you know.
What?
Per the rules, they're broken up
but then the partner finds out and flips out.
So I don't, wait, why do they go on this show?
I don't even understand why you would introduce this.
Because they want to be famous?
Yeah, I don't think anyone's doing it
because it's going to help their relationship.
That is, what is that on?
I'm kind of curious.
It's on Netflix.
Why don't they have straight Old Tomatoes?
They do, it's a cliche.
And his wife, Vanessa, hosts it.
This is the gate, the lesbian version.
Hosted by, let's be honest, a random straight woman who just looks real out of place.
But she does a good job.
So a straight woman hosts the queer Old Tomato?
Yeah.
And on season one, there was a good moment where they were like, someone went, are you
queer?
To the host, one of the contestants, and she was like, no, I'm not.
She's so sweet though.
She is. You should watch season one, Tig. It's juicy.
How many seasons are there?
Dose, my friend.
And is it still being made or is it like something from the past?
No, it's this just came out and the second season and I'd be lying.
It's pretty fascinating, don't you think, Meg?
It's great to see how these couples act.
Yes, it's gripping because you think, wow, I wonder if I was filmed,
if my like patterns would be that obvious, like like they are so easily psychoanalyzable.
Like, you know what I mean?
You just see their communication breakdown and all the.
Yeah. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't ask my agent
to ask if I could host it.
I tried so hard.
I could see you hosting that.
I tried so hard.
They forget their partners in like two seconds, Tig.
It's wild.
And they've been with their partners how long?
Anywhere from four years to 10 years.
Yeah.
Sometimes they end up, sometimes you know what what early on in the process they say actually, you know what?
This is fucked
I want to be with my person and they they leave the process or whatever and and often at the end of the process
They'll say no, I wanted to leave with who I came with but I'd say like 50% of the time they're going
I have never felt this way about this new, this new person is amazing.
Listen, I strongly feel people should not go on reality TV.
So because, because a new, like it's impossible for, let's take the 10 year couple.
It is impossible to compete with some new exciting thing that like you're doing for
three weeks where you're the best versions of each other, you're telling each other all these amazing things. And then you got your
old ball and chain, you know, with the real bummer over there. It's like, of course they're
going to mess with your mind.
Of course. And you're in this intense environment, which you're bonding over. It's all adrenalized
and sexy and like, yeah.
And now here's my question.
It started, did the straight Old Tomato start
or did the queer one start?
The straight started first.
Oh, okay.
The straight one started, I watched it and I thought,
this is so toxic.
All these like heteronormative kind of,
this obsession with marriage and I thought,
so straight. Then they did the queer one,
it was 10 times as toxic.
It was like.
It's pretty toxic.
It is.
Wow.
It's like more head fucky, more like, I don't know.
Okay, I'm gonna watch this.
And you definitely should watch it.
It's so crazy too, cause like there's this one girl
who's like found out that her partner slept with the pretend
wife or whatever and she's like, I can't believe you would do this and like this is so crazy.
You don't even love me. And but she was also sleeping with her pretend wife and I'm like,
what are you doing? Yeah, like that's gonna come out on TV. Yeah, I'm like, they're gonna see what you did.
So why is everyone pretending?
How do you go home for the holidays after you do this?
You know what I mean?
Like after this is on reality TV,
how do you head home for the holidays?
And so, you know what I mean?
It's gonna be a little awkward.
I am always like-
I think they have, a lot of them break up,
like even if they stay together,
like at the end of the show, they basically have to decide,
are you staying with your person
or are you going off with a new one?
They all break up eventually.
But I mean, go home for the holidays
and see your extended family.
You know what I mean?
I know.
After you've created such a circus.
I know, I always- I mean, I'm thinking about that stuff, you know? I feel like they-'ve created such a circus. I know, I always think they're thinking
about that stuff, you know?
I feel like they- I'd be thinking
about the holidays.
You're not gonna, you also are not gonna go
on a reality show.
No, I'm not.
Giving your wife an ultimatum.
Oh my God, oh my God.
I always feel like they, I'm like, do they,
I don't think they, cause it's not like
these are seasoned reality stars going on
these shows.
These are young people from small towns off and I'm like, do they give these people mental
health support afterwards?
Because I don't think they know what they're getting into.
And then I worry about, not to bring it down, but I do worry about their brains.
And then I-
You didn't bring it down.
Queer old tomato brought it down.
I know what you're saying.
I'm like, I can't bring it down. Queer old tomato brought it down. I know what I'm saying is.
I can't wait to watch.
I need a six year old, 50 to six year old version
of old tomato.
I have not been so excited to watch something
since the Titanic came out.
I think you should start with season one.
Okay, of course, why wouldn't I?
Yeah, and it is so fascinating
because it's such a study of human behavior
and you do think, God, what would I do in this situation?
Should we hear Bowen's question or answer?
Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I needed to tell y'all about that.
I'm so glad you did.
For me, it's scrambled eggs,
plus bacon, hash browns or home fries,
what have you, potato side, some rye toast.
I think what that says about me is that I'm a little salty,
but I've got different textures that contain multitudes.
There's something for everyone.
Or conversely, I love, if it's an option,
a French onion soup, which means that I,
I'm again salty, but I'm cozy.
I like cozy stuff and I have a few key ingredients
in my life that kind of takes center stage,
whatever that means.
Okay, thanks guys.
You're welcome. Sorry, Bowen. That was some random person that
just chimed in. You know what I also have to say I love at a
diner is like, of course, it's a vegan butter but like buttered
toast with jam. I really love jam.
I like a biscuit.
Yeah.
How about when you're a kid and you take one of those little packets of jam
and you put it in your pocket and you leave and you take it on the road, you know?
And you feel like you really got one over on everyone.
I got some jam in my pocket.
Can I say?
I'm ready to rock.
Bowen was so funny on overcompensating that Amazon show,
but Bowen and Matt Rogers play a couple in it and they're their best friends
in real life.
And they are so funny as this couple who are on Grindr.
And anyway, you got to watch it. It's great.
All right. Well, that was all over the place.
That was one of our more random bopping from I was into it.
Most bizarre things. But what a treat.
Well, that's all here with you guys.
That's what our questions are supposed to do is just get us a thinking and chatting.
And it works. And if you enjoyed this episode, send it to a friend.
I know I say that, but stop right now.
Stop what you're doing right now.
That's right, stop.
What if they're doing a surgery?
Well, stop, stop doing the surgery.
Stop what you're doing.
Send this episode to a friend, rate, review the podcast,
and also subscribe and then subscribe to our YouTube channel.
Help us build the
community so we can keep this precious pod afloat. Anyone have anything coming up?
Well, Fortune and I are going to be in Montreal. I'm there. I'm doing a show the 25th and
the 26th in Montreal at Just For Laughs. If there's still tickets, please come.
And other than that, I'm just taking a vacation.
So check out my music on Spotify.
My album's called I'm a TV.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go do Pride, a Pride show in Reykjavik, Iceland.
Come to that show on August 8th.
And then my tour's continuing in September, San Antonio, Houston,
Norfolk, Virginia, Richmond, Virginia, D.C., Boston, Portland, Maine, Mobile, New Orleans,
Atlanta, all these places. Wonderful. And I will be on August 17th, West Ampton Beach Performing Arts Center in West
Ampton Beach, New York. And then I will be at Provincetown Town Hall in P-Town
on August 23rd and then the Beau Rivage Resort and Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi
on September 27th. I'm also working out new material at Largo dynasty typewriter and comedy
bar bouncing between LA and Toronto.
So come check me out.
Uh, tignotaro.com for all the information.
Also, let me know if I should do a meet and greets.
Curious what people will think.
And, uh, until next time.
Keep it handsome handsome is hosted by me Mae Martin Tignotaro and fortune Feimster the show is produced
recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette email us at handsomepod at HandsomePod. Like you know to check that when you're vacuuming, you get all the nooks and crevices with those special attachments that come separately with the vacuum.
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