Handsome - Chelsea Peretti asks about auditions

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

Chelsea Peretti inspires Fortune, Mae, and Tig to share some of their wildest audition stories... plus a brand new Handsome song, body waxing, and more!Handsome is streaming LIVE from Austin April 12! Get your tickets here.Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is a HeadGum Podcast. This episode of Handsome is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking.yeah. Booking.com has a huge variety of options from hotels to vacation rentals and I'm always able to find something that fits my specific needs. I found that booking.com has something for everyone. I've been planning a summer getaway with my friends, but finding the right place is very tricky. We want like an awesome common room where we can all get together and hang out,

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Hi, welcome to Handsome. It's, what is your name? May. May Martin. Hello, and you are? I am Tig Notaro. We also have another host. It's me, Fortune Feimster.

Oh, it's little Fortune. What's up? I'm here with my fig plant. Oh, it looks so good. Biggie's over here, I'll reveal him later. Okay, all right. He's getting into his outfit. Yeah, well, he's taking a nap right now.

He's getting out of his outfit. Right. He's getting into something a little more comfortable. I think he just got out of the tub and is slipping into something comfortable. What would he look like fully shaved? He is shaved now and if you let his hair grow out, he's like a big puffball. Right. This is the more smaller version of him.

Demure. Our kitty Fluff, we've been getting her shaved once or twice a year. Cause she, I mean, when we got her, she was not fluffy and she somehow overheard and understood what her name was. And she is just a fluff ball. And so for, I don't know if we're projecting but it feels like she's happier when we have her shaved.

But we noticed she had a little boo boo on her, on her stomach. And and I, and the vet came to the house and they think it was when she got shaved. Oh, yellow neck. Yeah, that's happened to Biggie. And it happens to be in the shape of the Star Trek emblem. That isn't weird enough. Yeah, that was like, you know how the Star Trek emblem looks? And I was like, yeah, somewhat familiar.

So, yeah, we had to that was just before we got on. We had a fluff pin down and getting some meds. And, oh man. So, but she's doing well, she's doing well, but she got shaved and she got nicked. We got nicked in his butthole once. Excuse me? I'm sorry.

Is this related or unrelated? No, inside the groomer was like shaving around his butt and somehow nicked his butthole. See, this is why I've never had a Brazilian wax or anything like that. Don't do it, May. No, I would never. Have you ever done it, Forchette?

Oh, all the time. What if that was my thing? I've got to go get my butthole waxed. Nicked, I have to go get it nicked. I will say I've only one time in my life got a wax down there. Down where? Down in Texas?

Yeah, down in Texas. I did it once, I went to a place where they did the thing and it was the most fourth. Like a full on most like a full on everything gone. Beaver situation. Because it was back in the day when I was trying to call for that in your life. I know I was it was I don't know if I was I might have been in the closet still and I was trying to be more feminine and I was like everybody else all the other girls are doing was trying to be more feminine. And I was like, everybody else,

all the other girls are doing it. Trying to lure the boys. I went to a place and they put the wax on and ripped the stuff and someone's just staring at your cooter. And I'm like, what am I, who is this for? What am I doing? I think I was single, like no one's seeing this.

You were, you didn't, yeah, it wasn't in preparation for something like this. You did it just for yourself. I think I did it for myself. And then I was like, like no one's seeing this. You were, you didn't, yeah, it wasn't in preparation for something like this. You did it just for yourself. I think I did it for myself and then I was like, you know what, turns out I don't need this. Right. It's painful too. And it seems like it'd be real itchy in the grow back.

Yeah, later. So were you itching your crotch? I was itching my cooch. McCoochie. I miss this. I really, I miss this. I'm disgruntled. You knowchie. I miss this. Poor Kate, you know guys. I really, I miss this. I'm disgraced.

You know Kate? Kate McCoochie. Kate McCoochie moved herself to New York City. That's where I am right now. Should I look her up? Well yeah, if you have a phone book near you, what do you mean look her up? Let me get the old yellow pages out.

Flip through to McCooch. Wait, oh you have your show in New York. I had my show last night in New York. Yeah, I'm on tour right now. How's it going? Well, I don't know. You guys tour, I'm not a big tourer. And it's crazy.

I'm doing these music shows and a lot of handsome merch in the crowd, a lot of sweet angelic handsome fans shouting keep it handsome while I'm trying to be a serious musician. I'm so mad. Guys, I'm trying to get into the song. Yeah, it's been so insanely fun though. Yeah, it's.

Thanks. I'm really, I'm digging it. Yeah. Can I say something? Maybe later. Were you up late last. I'm just kidding. Were you up late last night? Yeah, how do you know that? And I was gonna say,

or have you like increased your deep voiceness somehow? You know what? I noticed that too. I think I am very tired and I've also been singing a lot and using my voice, but why do I sound sexy? Well, let's relax here. Of course, always. But yeah, no, it just sounds like,

I wasn't sure if it was the testosterone or what was going on. Yeah, it could be that. You know what's weird is like some of the songs that I recorded like a year ago, I can't hit those notes so much anymore. I'm like slightly changing the key when I play them live. We sing well together.

I can't ever hit the key. Really? Oh yeah, we'd be freestyling. Yeah. You'd be singing down here. We're singing down here. We're singing up here. We're singing up here.

We're singing up here. We're singing up here. We're singing up here. We're singing down here. We're singing down here. I did see Cynthia Rivo and I went, la, la, la. She was like, okay. Oh, you did that at her? Oh, to her, yes, of course.

No, you saw her and you went, ah! I said, Cynthia, ah! And what was her response? She laughed, I mean, she laughed, but also she probably got in that quite a bit. I actually don't think she has, probably. It's pretty wild. It's pretty bold.

It's bold. More than wild, it's bold. Yeah. She was awesome, though. She sat and chatted with us for a while, but that is how I started the conversation. That's amazing. And maybe next time you see her, you can be like, we're singing down here.

We're singing down here. We're singing up here. We're singing up here. I wish you guys were here in New York. I feel like we'd have a good time. I don't come here a lot and it here in New York. I feel like we'd have a good time. I don't come here a lot and it's so New York. Like I walked past Carnegie Hall. I would love to hang out with you in New York.

Yeah, we'd go out in the town. Maybe we can do a handsome show there at some point. Yeah, why haven't we done that? We should do that. I told one of the cadets on Star Trek that I did Carnegie Hall and she goes, what? You're not Liza Minnelli. That's the only person who can do Carnegie Hall. That's what I said. I was like, we're doing Carnegie Hall.

Hey, that's a good one. Hey, that's a good one. We're singing up here, we're singing up here. Anyway, I thought that was such a funny response to, like, she did not believe me that I did Carnegie Hall. Did not believe me. To be honest, I didn't know you did. I didn't know you did either. Okay, now you know, but do you believe me?

At least? Yeah, I'm not suspicious about it at all. I believe you're telling us. Just kidding. But yeah, I guess that's reserved for Liza Minnelli and not Tig Notaro. I walked past a Benihana today and I thought I'm going to ask Tig and Fortune what a Benihana is. First of all, Thomas, put it on the list. Put it on the list. And it's so crazy you're bringing this up.

Put it on the list because I love a hibachi situation. Yeah, and we told Max and Finn we want to bring them to Benihana just the other day. Let's do it. Really? Yes. I want to go. It's one of those words, it's like when I first moved to the States and like Trader Joe's, I was like, what the hell is that?

And I've always heard the phrase Benihana. Is it a phrase or a word? Well, it's the name of a hibachi restaurant. What's hibachi, like a grill? So it's Japanese. And have you ever seen the guys with the big grill and the people are sitting around the grill and the guys are doing the thing and they're throwing shrimp.

They're chopping and they throw a shrimp and you catch it. And everyone's like, ah! And then they cut through it in the air or whatever. I don't know, maybe I made that up, but they should cut through it. It's like rice and veggies. And if you eat meat, it's the steak, chicken or shrimp, or all of the above.

And they make it in front of you and then put it on your plate. And it's one of my favorite meals is a hibashi steakhouse. I mean, somebody that makes TV shows, how are you not scooping us up and putting out, put it on the list, Thomas? How is that not a TV show? How is it?

Come on. Wait, what do you mean? You want a TV show about us going to Benih Hunt? No, us doing all of the list. Oh, fuck yeah. Doing the list. Yeah, you're so right. Why do we pitch that? It's called put it on the list.

Yeah. We just pitched it. My favorite. We will now receive offers. Go on Fortune, what is your favorite? My favorite hibachi steakhouse of all time is in Raleigh, North Carolina, and it's called Con Quay. Mm. Con Quay.

Now the trick is, you know, the steak and the veggies and the rice, fairly healthy, but I like to make it unhealthy. They have something called shrimp sauce, which is like, uh, it looks like Thousand Island, but it's not Thousand Island, but it's in that family. And you just- It's shrimp sauce. You just dump it all over your food. And it's so good. Is it like blended shrimp?

No, I don't know why it's called shrimp sauce because I don't think shrimp is involved. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. It's so good. My hometown has a fast food hibachi restaurant and it's like the light of my life. Oh, this is, I'm hungry. I love hibachi. You do's like the light of my life. I'm hungry. I love hibachi.

You do look really happy talking about it. I really actually am. You can hire hibachi people to come to your house and do a private hibachi event. They bring their own kind of big metal table or whatever. Yeah. We're singing up here. We're singing up here. I'm about to go to London tomorrow and I'm going to see Debbie,

the hairdresser. Oh my gosh. And you know what? I never thought I'd see you again. Oh, I was beginning to wonder. You have me to thank. I reminded you to look her up since you look people up in phone books. Yeah, I'm going gonna get the yellow pages out. And I'm doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow, but she's ill or she's not available. So she's not gonna be the host. And I was so pumped to talk about how much we love her on the pod. I know, she gave us a handsome question.

I know. So who's hosting? Andy Cohen is hosting. Oh, well that'll be fun. I hope it'll be fun. I find him kind of intimidating. I think he's very funny, but I'm gonna, I don't know. I feel like I'm gonna want to be charming or something.

You'll be great. Just be yourself. Just go in there with your bad attitude and everything will fall in place. Yeah, my usual bad attitude, yeah. A handsome listener said, I don't know, it was a couple weeks ago, whenever John Ham was on Andy Cohen's show, they always get a question from a person on Zoom and they called him John

Hamsome and said they got it from hearing our podcast. I didn't see it, but a listener said that. Wait, but did we say John Hamsome? Hamsome? I guess. I thought we did, I guess. Wait, they talked about it on a TV show? On Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen show.

Someone called him John Hamsome. They always take a, for each guest, they have someone zoom in, audience fan or whatever. And they ask that celebrity a question and they asked him a question, but before they asked the question, they called him John Handsome and said they got it from listening to the Handsome pod.

Do you guys remember anything we've ever said on this pod? I don't, I don't think. No. And then what's worse is that we record a little bit in advance and so that we don't, we really don't remember what we've said. They said for pineapple apart, we'll always be with us. Yeah. Ghost. Yeah. We know that.

I'm doing these meet and greets and then people show up with really niche presence for me that like, they know me so well from the pod, but I don't remember what I've said or how they like someone came with a she's like here's a selenite crystal to put at the altar in the in your backyard of the concrete cat and I was like people know me better than I know myself or other things too like really specific things from the pod it's really nice. We do have on our Instagram page occasionally who who said what, so we can go through, there are times that our listeners can see what things we've said.

We also had a handsome handbook for any new listeners that wanted to get caught up with some of our phrases and whatnot. The lore, the deep lore. The lore is there on our Instagram page. This is very unrelated, but it goes back to fluff getting nicked and buzzed. My office here at home, the office doors are glass, but they're like the frosted glass. At one point,

fluff did appear behind the frosted glass and then ran off. So just now a little while ago, and I meant to say it when it happened, but we are so far beyond it, but I still couldn't let it go. So you just saw an outline, no, you just see kind of a black figure and then, and then she just bolted. Could have been a ghost. Yeah, it could have been a cat ghost. Are there cat ghosts? Great question. How come you never hear about animal ghosts? I have an image

in my mind of some kind of dog ghost from some kid's cartoon and it's wearing a little sheet or something. But aside from that. Oh my gosh. What am I talking about? Scooby-Doo? Edie Burkell, I've told you about her sophomore album is called Ghost of a Dog. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah, okay, so they're real. You put it on your list to get that album and I hope you have or will because it is a masterpiece.

I mean, I have these little notepads when we're recording and I scribble down, like if you recommend a book or something, but then this is what I, like sometimes I just am scribbling weird stuff. That's- Creature. I guess I doodle this woman. That's pretty good.

With boobs and- With boobies. She looks like someone who's looking for a good motor boatin'. Fortune Marie. Oh, she's on the market for a- Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie. Oh, she's on the market for a... Fortune Marie.

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It may be hard to believe, but I've never actually been, but I've heard amazing things, and I can't wait to check out all that P-Town has to offer. From dining to dancing, entertainment, hiking, biking, and best of all, beaches. You will find it all in Provincetown. From Boston, you just hop on a fast ferry for 90 minutes. The ferries run from mid-May through mid-October. It's all about freedom, sunshine,

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Checking first is smart. So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. I should have you on the tour come out and say, I wish you guys were, if we were in the same city, then you guys should come out and- I was- You were on a cruise. I was on, I took my mom on a gay cruise.

Okay, tell us about that. Did she hook up? Did we- Did my mom hook up? No, no. Did she hook up on the cruise? Did she hook up on the cruise? Did she find love? She did not find, well, she found platonic love

all over the ship for, we were on the ship for three and a half days. Was it an Olivia cruise, one of those? It was Atlantis, so gay men. Oh, it was all gay men? It was my mom and I in 2000, gay men. Oh my, how did you, and you were performing on this? Yeah, they asked me kind of last minute.

It was like four days before and, and I get, I get asked to do cruises a lot and I just can't and my schedule is too crazy. Um, but my tour doesn't start till April and I was like, well, I could. And, and Jackson said, like, you should take your mom on a cruise. Cause I had talked about going on a cruise with her in my last special. Um, and I was like, actually that might be kind of fun. So I was like, Hey, what are you doing? Do you have a passport?

And she's like, yeah. And just, and had you ever taken her on a cruise? I took, I took her on a cruise like 12 years ago, but we were in the same room, which is tough because you need a minute. She's trying to hook up. It's a lot of time together. And it was a Holland American cruise and like everyone was old and it was just, we were bored and like, she was not bored.

I was bored. But this cruise was Virgin now has cruises and it's not like those like cattle call type cruises where there's giant buffets. It's like eight restaurants. You just go, like you do at a restaurant. It's like updated and modern and nice. It didn't feel gross and yucky and all the guys like treated. my mom couldn't walk two feet without being stopped and told how wonderful she is and loved and she was in heaven. Oh my God. That's amazing.

And you know, it always gives me a new appreciation for her as well because you know, there's so many gay people and I don't think our straight friends maybe realize this as much, but there are a number of gay people who are still disowned by their families when they come out. Especially there's a number of older gay men who haven't, some of them haven't talked to their moms in 20 years. Ginger. When they see my mom, she gives them a hug because they'll tell her, like, my mom hasn't talked to me in 20 years and she gives them a big hug. She's like, that's a mama hug for you. She has come up and tell her how much they appreciate her support and allyship. And she had a lovely man tell her that like his partner's like, he's like, my partner is the best guy I know. He said,

has such a big heart. His family won't have anything to do with him because he's gay. And he started tearing up telling my mom this. So, you know, she just symbolizes, telling my mom this. So, you know, she just symbolizes, like any mom that supports their gay or queer kid, like it's just a symbol of like acceptance and love. And there's so many in our community who need them. Especially like a sort of a Southern mom, like that is so nice.

Imagine though, if they took it too far, like all the annoying things about parenting someone. Like if she started, I don't know. Well, I can't think of anything funny. You have ketchup on your face. That type of thing. Like she started criticizing. Yeah, or they started having bigger, yeah.

She starts breastfeeding them all. Sorry. When you said allyship, I just realized that's a good name for a cruise. I did one cruise, I think, like, so long ago. And what really struck me about them is that on cruises is that a lot of people come from areas that they have to be closeted or you know very small or rural towns and this is a way for them to find and connect with their community. Yeah. It's pretty incredible. I always feel like the uh because I watched that show below deck I

always feel like the staff on a cruise ship it have a fun time. There must be a lot of interpersonal dynamics and like. Have you ever seen Love Boat? Yeah. Love Boat. No, but is it? Is that what that's about the staff on a cruise? Everybody's in love on the love boat. Yeah.

Yeah. I could picture us working a cruise ship in our, in a little captain's hat, maybe Tig, you got a captain's hat. What if. Mustache. What if at some point the handsome pod, maybe Tig, you got a captain's hat. What if mustache. What if at some point the handsome pod, you know you can like throw your own cruises. Yeah, like Backstreet Boys does one. What if the handsome pod throws a cruise at some point.

We gotta do it on one of these ships though. Well, one of the nice ones. I see, I think I have a, I'm too scared. Oh, you don't wanna be on a ship? That movie Poseidon, like I just feel like a rogue wave is going to come and then we're going to be fighting for that bubble there that's in the one. But how fun to get in one of the little yellow rafts

and like, you know. How fun. How fun. Yeah, just paddle back home. Now here's my question about the ships these days. Are people walking around in masks at all? Not, no. No.

There was like, I saw maybe two masks the whole time. I just remember, you know, when COVID happened. Oh yeah. People were like, oh, cruises are gonna go away for good. When COVID happens, you don't wanna be on a cruise. That's for sure. I was actually booked on a cruise. That was gonna be my second cruise.

Yeah, Melissa Etheridge was hosting a cruise. I was booked to perform on her cruise. And then it never happened. We know we kept holding out, holding out, and then it reached a point. I was like, I'm out. And then they canceled the cruise and I don't know what the order of events were.

I don't wanna make it sound like Melissa was like, we must continue to cruise. Well, it gave me a renewed sense of cruising. I like cruising. It was a fun escape, you know, just because all the men on the ship were so happy and dancing and fun. And it just was like, there's no drama, just lightness. Just like, I know drama with 2000 gay guys. No drama. They don't want, they, they don't be sweating stuff on that boat. Wow.

They're all hugging and tugging. That is hugging and tugging. Everyone's hugging and tugging. What's there to be, what's there to be upset about? Is that a saying? I just said it. If you just thought of that of your own accord, that's really good.

The word tug's been on my mind because on the side of the ship it said no tug. And so I would joke with my mom no tuggin' on the ship. It's a full-blown tugboat. But I just thought of And so I would joke with my mom, no tugging on the ship. Mm-mm. Because they don't want to. It's a full-blown tugboat. But I just thought of hugging and tugging.

That's real good. Thank you. Real solid. Yeah, but when you're on a boat with, and there was some really good-looking guys too. I was like, yeah, this is like, if you were a gay man, you better get on this cruise. Did it make you want to wax your crotch? Yeah, I went straight to that spa on the ship and said, get her done. Get her done.

I never want to get, I never want that experience again. You know what? Put it on the list anyway, Thomas. No. Should we get to our question? Yeah, let's do it. Today's question asker is a stand-up comedian, actress, and writer who played Gina Linetti on the hit comedy series Brooklyn Nine-Nine. She's written for shows like Parks

and Rec, Saturday Night Live, The Kroll Show, and she wrote and directed and starred in the film First Time Female Director. She also hosts the podcast called Chelsea Peretti. Chelsea Peretti is asking today's question. Nice. Okay. Hey, handsome podcast. I am Chelsea Peretti. I have a question for you, which is, to what lengths have you gone to nail an audition historically? Have you dressed up in costumes? Have you used props? Have you pantomimed? Has your audition process changed over time? Are you offer only, et cetera? Okay, thank you. I really love the position of her hands. Yeah.

She seems like a very serious lecturer. Yeah. I'm a deep Chelsea fan and I listened to that pod and I did when it first started too and it blew my fucking mind. It was so funny. She's so funny. She's just so unique in her perspective and funny.

Yeah. And her husband Jordan Peele is obviously an amazing filmmaker and comedian. That's a lot of talent in one family. Yeah, seriously. Yeah, yeah, and their son is a real talent. I'm sure. I'm just assuming he's got a big.

A book deal. He's like, oh, I hate the biz. Stop talking about the biz. Are you guys good at auditioning? No. Oh my God, I'm amazing. I'm so, I've gotten better just out of necessity, but I'm not great. Yes, same.

Most of the stuff I've done on movies and TVs were offer only. Whoa. The things that I've tried for, I've done on movies and TVs were offer only. Whoa. The things that I've tried for, I've not gotten. That's... I'm similar. Like, the more I want something, the worse I do. And like, I get really nervous. But then self-tapes are easier, like when you send in a tape or something.

Did you guys know the story about, you know, the actor from... She played the replicant in Blade Runner, like the beautiful replicant, and she's been in tons of stuff and she kind of disappeared in the 80s. She was huge. Anyway, she really wanted to play Catwoman in the Tim Burton Batman and so she hid in his trailer dressed like Catwoman and when he went in, she pounced on him and had to be removed.

Wow. Was she freshly shaved? when he went in, she pounced on him and had to be removed. Wow, was she freshly shaved? She probably was nicked and shaved. I am shaved and nicked. Ow! That is definitely not a way to get hired. No. Scaring the crap out of a director

and being hauled off by security. Yeah. Okay. That is noted. I don't have, I don't think I've even, I've heard of people doing some nutty stuff. It doesn't even occur to me to do anything outside of the box. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah, because I feel like, and maybe all of us have been on the other side of it where we're casting people or we're looking at tapes and things and you just know that it's often within a second, you know, and it's not even to do with the, it's just what you have in your head and it could be so intangible. Like it could be their voice or the way they, like, it's not going to make a difference if they're wearing cat ears, you know? Yeah.

Nothing at all. Yeah. You could have pig tailsails and just chocolate on your face and people, if they know you're the one, you're the one. I feel like you'd be good at auditions because you don't radiate desperation or I've never seen you radiate desperation. Maybe you do sometimes, but I've never seen it. And I feel like you could just go in and if you're calm, you act like you don't need it, that's when you get it. The first time I auditioned for something, I was an assistant at the director Sam Raimi's company. Oh yeah, yeah.

He brought me in to audition for a role in Spider-Man. We worked at Universal Studios, which was in the valley, and the casting was at Sony Pictures. And it was at like four or five o'clock in the afternoon, and they let me off work to go to Sam's casting session at Sony. And if you know LA, that's a hell ride at that hour to get from Universal to Sony at that hour. And so I was an assistant, I was let off work,

I go out there and I didn't even know what sides were. Sides are like just, they were like, oh, here are your sides. And I was like, okay. Right, like the scene you're auditioning with. It's just the scene that they pulled from the script that you're in. I was like, right, like the scene you're auditioning with. It's just the scene that they pulled from the script that you're in. I was like, okay, learn that. And then I went in and I was so uncomfortable and nervous.

I was shaking and sweating, fumbling through my lines. I was I was like 28 years old or something. And they just were like, okay, thank you. And then I got in my car and I had to go back to work in the Valley. And I was driving back to Universal going, what in the hell did I just do? I just drove over an hour to shake and sweat on camera in front of my boss.

Like he wasn't in the room, but he, you know, he's going to see the tape. Maybe they didn't even send it to him, I'm sure. And then I got back in the car minutes later and drove back. And then years later, I was doing a movie with Octavia Spencer. Yeah. And we were talking about, she mentioned how she, her kind of first big thing that she got was this role on Spider-Man in the Spider-Man movie. And it was that role.

Oh my God. Not only that. And the role is she's the one standing outside of the wrestling rink, checking the different characters in before they- I think I know that role. That's Octavia Spence. And he's like, I also auditioned for that. Did you? Oh my God.

Oh, you didn't? No, no, no. So Octavia's like, yeah, I got that role. I was like, oh my God, I auditioned. I worked for Sam Raimi when I first moved to LA. And she was like, yeah, she said, I was the casting assistant for that movie. And they let me audition.

And she said, and honestly, I think I remember them flagging that this was the assistant from Sam's office. How hilarious. Unbelievable. And they gave her the part. She got the part and she has the Oscar for, you know, she's of course. You're very similar.

Yes. Do we know it's him or Octavia? Yeah. Being healthy is a big part of my life, but I'm not hardcore about it. I just want to incorporate better habits into my life like getting more nutrition in my diet. And our next sponsor makes it so easy to do just that. Orgain. Orgain is famous for their organic plant protein powder. It packs 21 grams of complete protein. Plus, their products are handcrafted with high

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in a very different new way. Yeah. It just, I think over the years, yeah. It's too scary. And not because I'm, I think I'm great at acting, but I am mostly offer only because I. People know what you do. They know they want to take this. Yeah.. It's like, whenever I always make the joke that when a director's walking towards me on set to give me a note, I always stop them and say, before you say anything, I have no range, but go ahead, what were you gonna say?

Yeah, I'm the same, like I've done only a handful of like proper auditions where you wait in line and they call your name and you go in and I'm so scared. But when I was a kid, like maybe I was 10 or 11 and I auditioned for Oliver Twist, the musical, to play the Artful Dodger. I sure have told this, but yeah, to play the Artful Dodger. And I dressed up in tartan trousers, little waistcoat,

and I went in and it was a bunch of boys, but I had short hair and I had to learn this whole song and sing with the pianist, consider yourself well and consider yourself one of the family like that. I was so invested in this fantasy of getting that part and it was at like a West End theater in Toronto and my parents had like let me answer this cattle call. I got down to the final two and then I had to go to summer camp and I just thought, any minute now they're going to come and take me out of camp and be like, kid, you're a star.

You got what it takes. Yes, and obviously a boy got it. You were singing up here. You were singing up here. Singing up here. Yes, but I was radiating desperation. That's scary. It's so scary.

When I was a kid, I That's, it's so scary. When I was a kid, I guess I had always sort of had some interest in the biz, though it was so far removed from me for the most part, but I remember when I was like 10, they did a open casting. It was like a Nickelodeon show. I can't remember. It was like wet and wild or something. It was, I don't, I don't remember the name. It was like where kids did all this stuff outside where like games, you know,

where like going that way, where like there's water and stuff. Um, I don't, yeah. And so they had it at the mall where kids could like wait in line and then they brought you into a room, like 20 kids at a time and a producer basically is just like what kid looks like good on would look cool and fun on tv and so i dragged my dad to the mall in charlotte i was like we gotta go i gotta be on this show and i made him take me to mcdonald's before we before we went in there and I had grape jelly running down my shirt. And I was ginormous. I was like this fat, fat kid. And I'm sitting there-

I'm picturing you in a bonnet. Yeah. I mean, we waited for like four hours to finally get in this room. And I'm like, waiting with all these kids to be like, come on man, don't you want me on your show? And he's like looking around, looking around and he sees me and he goes, ugh. No. What do you mean no? He actually went, ugh?

He like did a like, ugh. He needs to go to hell with Satan. He needs to be living with Satan in hell. That is the worst thing I've ever heard. And I heard really terrible things in my life. I had not reached my peak yet. I had not turned into the swan I am now. It made me laugh.

And guess what? I made my dad go back the next day and he goes, come on. Clearly my skin was very thick because I was like, let's get that. I'm gonna need to go back. That is a great ending to that story because I am outraged. I cannot imagine anybody. Can you imagine how dark your soul has to be to be like, I have for my job, I'm going to make kids

line up and they're all going to be nervous and then I'm going to put them down. I'm gonna make kids line up and they're all gonna be nervous and then I'm gonna put them down. Also, what you described about baby fortune, I would be all eyes on you. I'd be like, here's our star. I was so fat though, I was so fat. I just had jelly running down my shirt. Whatever, that's what we're looking for, kid.

I don't think in the moment I realized what had happened. It was years later that I was like, wait a second. You guys waited and it struck you. I was pure confidence at 10. Like, yeah, man, he probably just like was batting a mosquito away. That's really funny. Yeah, so that was my first tryout. You guys, have you ever had to do-

You sound like somebody's parent. Are you gonna try out for the show? For the television program? I've never, you know in TV shows about high schools and stuff, there's always, like they post the cast list in the hallway and everybody crowds around the list to be like, did I make it in the big show? I don't know if that's a real thing.

I never experienced that. The closest I ever had to that was auditioning for theater in college, but you were like kind of, I think you read out loud who the parts were, so you got to just be like the sitting in sadness if you didn't get the part you wanted. Oh God, have you ever had a chemistry read? Like I've had to audition people to play my girlfriend and feel good. I auditioned a handful of people. We knew we wanted Charlotte Ritchie

to do it, but yeah, that's really embarrassing for it because they weren't embarrassed or nervous at all. They were professional actors and and very cool but it just felt so lame to be like do you have chemistry with me can you can you make it seem like you love me well I mean Stephanie had to kind of prove that we had chemistry on show, yeah. And did you? Well, no, but we're pushing through. But I remember also when Sarah Silverman was casting this pilot for NBC, she had a character named Tig. And it was me. Yeah.

But the studio and the network were not sold on me And so I had to go in and audition to play myself and I had a full-on out-of-body Experience where it was just me and Sarah doing this scene and you know before we walked in she was like, you know, just doing this scene and you know before we walked in she was like you know just it's just us and our normal dynamic and I mean this was like 2011 or something and I was like okay okay and then it's just like everyone from the studio everyone from the network all the casting the director you know everybody's just sitting there, just staring at us. And I was like, oh God. I didn't wanna let her down.

I mean, I of course wanted the role, but I really did not wanna let her down. And I reached this point where I just pulled the mic off of my shirt and I was like, I gotta get out of here. And I just walked out of the room. And Sarah followed me out. And I just like walked out of the room. What? Yeah, and Sarah followed me out. And she was just like, I remember, she did this for me a few times,

like on the Sarah Silverman program and on this pilot, her pilot didn't get picked up, but it was moments where I just, I would be like, what am I doing? I'm not an actor, you know? Like I'm a standup. I felt so out of place and I, I didn't want to promise more than I could deliver.

And, but she would always say to me when I would be in that kind of head space, she'd be like, you know, let's just do, let's just do your worst take right now. Let's just do the worst you could possibly do. And I'd be like, okay. And it worked on me every time. I'd be like, it took the pressure off

and I was like, you want the worst? Okay. And then boom, take appeared. Yeah. That's nice. I love that. I had the most Hollywood audition of my life. Congrats.

This was about like 2010. It was for, I don't remember, maybe CBS pilot or something. of my life. Congrats. This was about like 2010. It was for, I don't remember, maybe CBS pilot or something. And I went through the audition process where I kept getting to the next round and the next round. And then you finally get to the point where they ask you to test or not. And when you test, you have to sign a contract ahead of time.

And then the network. And test means? A test means it's a final audition. It's usually you and like two other people and y'all are the final people down for this role. And if they pick you, you've already signed a contract, it's already ready to go. So there's a lot of pressure once you get to that point. And I got to the point where they wanted me to test but I was working at Chelsea lately and I was like, I don't know if I want to, like

I'm happy here and I don't think I want to go down this road. And so I basically was like, I'll tell them, because this kind of came right before I got Chelsea and then they all sort of converged at the same time. And I was like, Oh, tell them I don't, I don't actually want to, I don't want to test anymore. And the, the stars agent like called and it was like, what is she doing? What do you mean? She doesn't want to test if she's, she's got to get, this is her part. She's going to be a star and she's just going to turn that down.

I mean, isn't like, you know, you hear these kinds of stories about like people like having these crazy agents. They're real. Yeah. And I'm like, and so they called me and they're like, he's flipping out and the casting's flipping out. And then I'm like, so then I'm like, I guess, I don't really want to do this,

but I felt pressure like I was young and I was like, okay. He's like, get down here and put some jelly on your shirt, kid. And, but he's like, this is hers. We already know she's going to be a star. Like all these things. And I'm like, Oh, okay. I guess.

Sure. But I still knew it wasn't right. Like, and so I auditioned, I tested and, um, didn't get it. Of course. and didn't get it. Of course. And I was like, wait, you told me I was going to be a star. And then like, I never heard from him or any of those people again. And like, this is so Hollywood.

Oh my God. That just reminded me of something. I was doing stand up in New York City and this woman came up to me after the show and she was like, oh my God, I was laughing so hard. I fell out of my chair. She was like, I am a casting director and you have to come down. It was like this huge casting place where you every different room. There's like somebody they're casting commercials and Broadway and TV and film.

And like, and she, and I show up and it's like, all these people waiting in the lobby to be called in for their auditions. And I went in and I checked in, they were like, oh, Tig Notaro's here. And they went and got the woman, like I bypassed everything, you know, and she brought me in and she was showing me around and taking me room to room to show me all the different types of auditions and people that she was

introducing me to. She was, they were like, Oh, we heard all about you and how funny you are. Like this woman had told everyone about me and then she goes, you know what, since you're here, do you want to just, um, go in and audition for a commercial? And I was like, uh, sure. And so I go in and audition for a commercial. And I was like, sure. And so I go in. Oh my God. And she's sitting there and the casting guy is like,

all right, so you're a mom and you're taking your family in a minivan to Disneyland and you're surprising them. So, you know, like let's really surprise the kids you're going to Disneyland. And I was like, hey kids, like, let's really surprise the kids. You're going to Disneyland. And I was like, hey kids. I was so uncomfortable. I was like, hey kids. It's me, Tig.

Yeah, I was like, hey kids, hop in the van. We're going to Disneyland. And they're like, okay, but he was like, okay, but like really excited. Like you have great, like this went on and on. And I was, I mean, he got me up to maybe, hey kids, get in the van, we're going to do, like it was so terribly uncomfortable.

And I left and she never responded to me. Oh no. She made such a spectacle out of me. I remember her name, I think was Stacy something, casting director in New York. If you are out there. If you're listening, Stacey. Yeah.

You're just gonna give up on our girl TIGs. Yeah, yeah. You're gonna treat me like I got jelly on my shirt. Yeah, it's so, it's like, TIGs here. I think the next time I was in New York, I like reached out to her and never ever responded to me. Yeah. When me and my friend wrote Feel Good and we had a part for him and he was the co-writer of the whole show and everyone was like, yeah, great.

It's this little part. And then we kept being like, so when can when can Joe tape for that part? Or like, is he just going to get the part? Or, you know, he's like, I'm happy to tape for it. But you know, yeah, he's the co-writer, like we want to, and he's acted before. And then one of the producers sent an email and she accidentally cc'd Joe and I on the email. And she hadn't deleted like the thread of all the emails where she was saying to the casting director and the other producers, how are we gonna tell Joe that we don't want him

to play this part? Guys, we have to be delicate about this. We gotta tell him in a nice way. We were like, guys, we got that email. Yeah, got the news. Message received. What if that was her plan all along? What?

To fake it that way. Imagine if I started doing that on our handsome email thread, just not deleting me being like, guys, everyone out. How am I gonna tell this guy's over there? I did have one commercial audition that I went to way back in the day. And I had on these loose pants, I'm not sure. And I was standing there, just got in the audition room,

and I looked down and a pair of my underwear is hanging out of my pants, the bottom of my pants. So I had put on, I guess I had had my underwear from the day before in somehow got into your leg. And then when I got into the room, half my dirty, dirty asshole in underwear is hanging out of my belly. Just with the period stain on it? I just reached out and grabbed it and shoved it in my pocket. Oh my God.

I was like, whoa, what? They think it was method or something. Well, should we hear, yeah. Let's hear what Chelsea has to say. Hey guys, so for me, I'm actually dressed up right now, putting myself on tape for something. I don't normally put my hair into a braid or anything because I feel I need voluminous hair to look appealing. But today

I did go ahead and do that because it's very greasy due to taking a lot of baths and I don't wash my hair in the bath. Anyhow, I audition very infrequently and when I do, I do try to dress the part, just drop my glasses. Let me redo this. Is that it? That was the joke. Oh, that's really good. That's really good.

Classic Paredi. Classic Paredi. Classic Paredi. That's her good. Classic Paredi. Classic Paredi. Classic Paredi. That's her next podcast. She was like, I did another one where I answered it for real, but I thought that was funnier.

Yeah, that is very funny. She is a silly, silly gal. Silly gal. Dressing the part. I know, the outfits of anything or any of these auditions are so ridiculous. I just started wearing a black shirt and everything. The hardest is I had to audition to play someone's mother recently, which I was like, oh, how did I get here? And I was trying to find any shirt in my closet

that resembled a blouse and it was so hard. Blouse. Oh my God, just even that word, yeah, blouse. So I ended up with just a regular t-shirt but it was like pink. And I was like, this'll do. I have a theory that if a woman refers to a shirt as a blouse or a top, they're straight. That is so true and good.

Or says my girlfriends, but it's actual friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh, I went shopping with my girlfriends and we bought new blouses. That's like, okay. Agreed. Straight as an arrow. That's right honey. Yeah.

Well, I mean, what a podcast. What a podcast. Yeah, and if anybody cares, my birthday is March 24th, so. We care. That's right around the corner. It sure is. So be thinking about what you wanna get me.

Okay? Okay, yeah. And I will be 54 years old. I am one year away from being able to move into a retirement community. Oh my God. Congratulations. Have you picked the place yet? You know, I did, my old assistant, his parents lived in like a retirement community in Florida.

And he was like, hey, when we're in Florida, my parents aren't at their vacation home. We could go stay there. And I was thinking like, oh boy, you know, what's this gonna be like? I loved it so much. I loved it so much. Like a retirement village.

Yes. I told Steph and I called her. I was like, if I sneeze, you can like lock me up in the retirement community. I mean, I like the golf in this community. Look, we all know I'm not a big booze hound, but I love the idea and the vibe. Every day at five o'clock, everyone gets in their golf cart, drive around the community and drink their drinks and honk and wave at each other. Oh my god. Five o'clock every day.

That is pretty fun. And they blare their music, whatever music they they're into whether it's Liza Minnelli or you know whoever and they're just driving around waving at each other. I mean and then and then the then there's like a little restaurant by the pool and I'm pickleball courts. That was the first time I'd heard about pickleball. I was like yeah I'm ready to go. I mean completely good.

Completely good. Really nice. Yeah. I mean, look, I like my life, but I, uh, I, I, if, if it comes to that, I will not be bummed. I don't know why I said if it comes to that, like, it's not like, it's not like I'm in a care center. It's not a care center. It's just honking on a golf cart with a virgin daiquiri in my

hand. But if it does come to that, just know I am, I am so happy. Yeah. And please come visit. I was picturing Max and Finn coming to visit you, and then I pictured them as adult redhead men coming to, you're gonna have these two adult men. And they're gigantic. I've done everything in my power to avoid living with a man, and we're going to have two gigantic men.

They are so huge, and it it's like they already eat everything in sight, they have dinner and then before bed, they want another dinner and we're truly like, guys, we have to get this narrowed down to one dinner, okay? It's so insane, they just eat everything and they're just, like when I hug Max, I'm like, oh my God, he could snap me in two and he doesn't.

Oh my God. He doesn't realize it. They're not even teens yet. They'll be nine in June. Wow. It's insane. Nine. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm not joking. He could kick my ass, but that's also not a hard thing to do. Hello, Biggie. Oh, the love of my life. The love of my life. He woke up and he's had his bath and his robe. Oh, Biggie.

That is just a perfect creation. Biggie, come visit me at the retirement. At the villages. Well, don't forget to get a live stream ticket to our show in Austin, April 12th. That show is sold out, but you can live stream it from anywhere and that link is good for a week.

So make sure you do that and have a handsome party if you want and a good gay ass time. Yeah, have a gay ass time. What did you say? Hugging and tugging? Yeah. Yeah, have a gay ass time. What did you say? Hugging and tugging? Yeah. Yeah, go hugging and tugging.

Also, the movie that I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, that won the Sundance Film Festival this year. Yes, it did. It is such a beautiful film. It's going to be, it was just at the Boulder International Film Festival. It's gonna be at the Cleveland International Film Festival on April 2nd.

There's plenty more dates for festivals coming up that will be announced soon. I will also be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th. And then I will also be in Provincetown August 23rd. You know, check my website always, tignotaro.com. And yeah, that's what I'm up to. What about you, Fortune? My tour kicks off April 4th in Savannah, Georgia. Nice.

I'm going to, after that, to Charleston, South Carolina, and Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Columbus, Ohio, Greensboro, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh. So those tickets are on my website, fortunefamister.com. Well I'm not touring, but my album is out, my earnest music album, and I'm loving people who are sharing it and tagging me in vids and it all helps. It's on Spotify, it's called IMTV. And I'm at Largo end of March

and that'll be all on my social media and stuff. Make sure to tell your friends about the podcast. Share an episode. Mr. Thomas was telling us that the Anna Kendrick episode is wildly popular. So share that so people can get a taste of our nonsense. And until next time, I mean, all you can really do ever is keep it handsome.

We're singing up here. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check and make sure you know the difference between crocodiles and alligators

before going on that big safari. You want to sound well informed. Checking First is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hello and welcome. Or hi, my name is Cole.

My name is Andrew. We host a podcast called Podcasts, but outside where Cole and I set up a table on the sidewalk and talk to strangers We were walking by you've a sign on her table This is hi be a guest on our podcast and we will pay you one dollar We're the only ethical podcast with the only podcast that pays you have really interesting conversations with really fun folks like who like Marilyn Okay, and I was somebody else's wife for a while with the second one worked out well Until he died. Oh, I'm sorry to hear second one worked out. Well, until he died. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

It turned out he had a double life. What? What was the second life? He was a crack addict. Wait, how do you hide that? Hold on, how do you hide? I don't know, he was a nice old Jewish guy. How did he get addicted to crack?

He started smoking it. I know, but I just, I'm just trying to, I know. That was a good clip. Hey, thank you. And sometimes we even have celebrity friends of ours helping us to interview these random people off the street. Like who? Like John Hamm, Adam Scott, Nick Kroll, and Otsuko Okatsuka.

So please subscribe to Podcast Put Outside on YouTube and podcast apps. And then have a good time.