Handsome - Conan O'Brien asks about time travel

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

The hilariously handsome, handsomely hilarious Conan O'Brien asks about time travel on this week's episode! Plus suppositories, comedy mixtapes, and a visit from the one and only Willy the Wizard!We have a LOVE-themed live streaming show, February 12! Tickets here: https://www.squadup.com/events/handsome-podcast-1Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media: @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comEmail the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey handsome listeners, we're very excited to announce a handsome live show on Monday, February 12th that you can stream from anywhere in the world. Our first show was so much fun that we're doing it again and we'll be taking your guys's questions. Plus we're going to have a bunch of surprises and maybe a special guest or two. So get tickets at DynastyTypewriter.com now and join us again it's february 12th your link will last all week and you can get tickets at dynastytypewriter.com cheers welcome to another episode of Handsome. It's me, your friend Tig Notaro with my co-hosts.

I'm Mae Martin. And I'm Fortune Feimster. And we are... We're here. And here. And we're queer. So get used to it. And some people haven't gotten used to it.

Some people are so not used to it and i feel bad you guys were just recording ads without me because i'm sick what happened little cowboy you got a cold well thanks for asking unfortunately yeah i don't know everybody's got that like chest thing and it's not uh it's so boring but i just had an iv this morning they came to my house and did one of those like. Oh yeah, I like those. Yeah, it's crazy. Like I guess when Rihanna's hungover or whatever, I don't know why I went with her but.

Who's Rihanna? Oh, the singer. Rihanna? Wait. Did you think I was, yeah. Wait, you say Rihanna. I truly, I was like. Say Rihanna.

Is this like a pasta pasta thing? It might be. I think it is. I thought it was Rihanna but I could, yeah. Wait, you say Rihanna. I truly, I was like, I'm like, is this like a pasta pasta thing? It might be. I think it is. I thought it was Rihanna, but I could be wrong. But also, why her? Does she get that? I don't know why my brain went there. I look, I'm hoping, I don't know, that I'll be extra funny today because I'm like closer

to the void. Like the veil between worlds is thin you know so you know when you do a show and you're sick and you're like I'm never gonna get through this and then it's weirdly good because you're like trying hard and you're kind of out of it I always am surprised before I go on stage when I'm not feeling well how it is never an issue when i'm on stage like the adrenaline overrides all completely it's really i mean that's my experience but it's pretty crazy and how are you feeling fortune i'm feeling pretty good i went on a hike uh well i was in the pool this morning doing the treading, treading in water. Oh, my gosh. I cannot believe it.

And you're up to an hour now, right? I have done an hour, but I'm averaging 45. That's impressive, man. So I got up early, got in the pool, started doing some of that, and then realized I had a little extra time. So then Jax and I went on a hike because I've just been really busy. But I've been trying to get some fitness stuff in

in the mornings before all the crazy work stuff. That's always so good. You feel just pumped and ready to go for the day. It's always good to just have those your plan or your goal and then you just don't let anything get in the way of it yeah because if i don't i'm doing this if i don't get to it then i don't always get to it i mean if i don't get to it first i don't always get to it yeah um so i'm trying to be better about that although i have been heating the pool like when i go to bed and so when i get up it's like a warm bath you're slipping into a warm bath jack's got

in it the other day and she's like it's like a hot tub in here because our gas bill is gonna be astronomical was she treading with you or was she just floating around talking about finances? She loves floating around talking about finances. She got in right after me because I had to start my radio show. And she was going to, she's like, let me try this treading water thing. But we don't have a deep end and we're both really tall. You don't have a deep end? No, it's like five feet.

Oh, whoa. you don't have a deep end no it's like five feet oh whoa i've had to do a kind of a um uh sort of breaststroke like treading thing right kind of like tucking around in a circle and that's the thing is it doesn't matter as long as you are staying afloat yeah because um i've been in pools like that where i just swim or you know just do other yeah strokes that i think maybe i made up you should pat you should patent some strokes take i have many to show you and uh and they're little they're that yeah they are the treading forms that i have um or strokes that i've come up with and i i challenge you fortune though okay to tread water in an unheated pool oh my gosh you do that it gets harder and harder i have done it and i'm telling you when i've gotten out of the pool that was not heated after treading water for one hour, I felt like King Kong.

I was just like, I had so much energy. I was so my whole day I was on cloud nine. That's like an insane cold plunge. Yeah. day i was on like cloud nine that's like an insane cold plunge yeah well did you know that um when you do cocaine your dopamine increases 2.5 times but it but it maxes out at nine minutes and then it starts plummeting again but when you do a cold plunge it goes two point in a cold plunge it's 2.5 times as well same as cocaine but it lasts for two and a half hours and it's climbing the whole time like the two and a half hours after your dopamine is still going up so yeah all these coke addicts need to just jump in a cold river yeah they probably are they're probably

doing that too but i'm telling you when i tread water in a cold pool, my whole day I'm amped. Yeah. Okay, maybe I'll heat it a little, but not as much. No. No, take one seat to go. I can't imagine getting in there for an hour in a cold-ass pool. Okay, let me be honest. Let me be totally honest. Thank you.

I mean a pool that is not heated in the summertime. Yeah. I mean, L.A. is not crazy cold, but it dips to like 40 at night. Yeah, yeah. So in the early morning're you're talking about a pretty chilly pool yeah well in the summertime in the morning okay that version of a chilly pool once it warms up i challenge you to that in the summer for sure i'm gonna be scooting around that cold cold pool in fact i'm gonna come over and we'll scoot around together. Please. Yeah.

Let's do it. Put it on the list, Thomas. Yeah. Do you think it'd be good for immunity? I feel like swimming and cold water, that's good for everything. When you guys were kids, did your parents have any weird home remedies when you were sick?

My mom used to grate an apple with a grater. So it was just a bowl of like grated apple my grandmother had a lot of um homemade remedies because that's you know how older folks of that generation they would be like i've got a book and it tells me all the things that i need to do like she would have an aloe plant so if there was a sunburn she'd she'd uh break off a piece of the aloe um still well sure sure sure but her favorite remedy was um putting in um a suppository no stop what do you mean her favorite when you have a sunburn i mean hey when you have a sunburn? I mean, hey. When you have a sunburn, you put in a suppository? Just any ailment.

She'd be like, I think you need a suppository. Oh, my God. I don't know. But I was young, so I didn't know. How many suppositories did you get? I think I had a lot. Oh, my God. And did you insert it yourself?

Yeah, I didn't have my grandma put anything up my butt thank you okay god but how she'd be like oh your tummy hurts i know what you need i was like oh boy here we go oh my gosh did you start to just keep your ailments to yourself because you're like oh i know what i'm getting if head hurt, here's a suppository. So I didn't tell her I was gay. Girl, no, you did not. But for real, a lot of suppositories. I think that was an old school, like,

they just felt like that was the thing. You had to clear it out. just get it out of your butt yeah i get it out of your butt or drink a coca-cola so to get it out of your butt you have to put that in there so you're putting yet another thing in there you had another thing it was not a pleasant it was not pleasant i haven't had one since she's died. I wonder where she got that, if it was like intergenerational suppositories or if she just kind of was into it. Well, we have a long line of people in our family.

Her mother did it for her, and her mother did it for her. Was she ever at an age where she was confused and was like, I have to put an aloe plant in your bottom? Once I hit 16, I think I stopped the suppositories. So that was when she started to- 16? I mean, maybe 15.

Fortune. Man, isn't it a question? Once I could drive out of there and- And go buy your own suppositories i never hear that word anymore maybe because it was very old school that's the word right suppository the thing that is in your very much yeah how do you think it's crazy that when you're a kid you just are like all right i guess like whatever anyone tells you is gonna make you that when you're a kid, you just are like, all right, I guess. Like whatever anyone tells you is going to make you feel better. You're just like, you've got to do it until you turn 16. I also had, when I was born, really blonde hair like this.

Like right now my hair is pretty blonde. And as I got older, it started getting a little darker. And she was like, oh, no. Suppository time. We got to get those blonde curls back in there so when i would go to t-ball she would we gotta get those blonde curls back in there like it's like like oh we couldn't what were they turning brown they were just getting a little darker they're probably turning into like normal adult hair from being like toddler hair.

When I was only five, I would go to T-Ball and she was like, well, you're already going to be out in the sun. She goes, you know, she would squeeze lemon juice all over my hair. Yeah, yeah.

This woman sounds like a mess. Yeah, I would go play T-Ball with lemon juice on my hair but she didn't suppository in your she didn't take into consideration that at some point i would sweat and the sweat would bring the lemon juice into my eyeball oh my god i'm like trying to hit a t-ball and like swinging all over the place because i can't see anything well whenever i would go out to eat with my family my mother would you know i mean i guess i could have gone into the bathroom to wash my hands like a civilized person with soap and water

but my mother would always take the lemon off the table and squeeze the lemon juice in my hands and have me rub my hands together. That's very sticky, no? No, it's a natural remedy. Unless you have a cut on your hand and then you're screaming. Then you're screaming. Yeah, well, if that happens, just grab a suppository. Or an aloe, a strip of aloe. I have at the moment, I put like i was putting on moisturizer i guess and then my girlfriend had these like oh you're you're on board it puts the lotion on it what's

we were talking about that the lotion in the basket yeah and so my girlfriend has these self tanning drops and so i i added them to the moisturizer i added a couple put it on my face and then i wake up in the morning. I don't know if you can see. I'm not giving you the finger, but it's brown. It looks like I have poo on my finger. It does look like you have a poo finger. It looks like somebody was doing a suppository.

I know. It looks like this fake tan has pooled around my middle finger, and I have just a poo finger now, and I don't know what to do. What an interesting thing if somebody was only tanning a portion of one finger. Yeah. Do you self-tan, Fortune? Would your grandmother want that? I went to a tanning bed once in high school because that was all the rage in the late 90s was the tanning.

Also in the 80s. Let's not forget my elderly crew. Shout out. You know who has a tanning salon attached to their salon is our friend Debbie. Really? Yeah, you can go get your hair cut and then in the same building you can go get a little tan.

Oh, a drop of sun never did anyone any harm debbie's still rocking the tanning bed i didn't know people still sold minutes well you have to right in in in uh england because yeah isn't it overcast most of the time totally i've never done tanning or um sunburning however However, this last summer, we had such an outdoor circus festival of a summer that I got the tannest I've ever been. And people were constantly mentioning how tan I was. I mean, you could not get our family indoors. We were at every beach in the world and climbing every mountain and biking and surfing and surfing lessons. It was it was quite a summer. Seems like it. Yeah. So I just did a natural tanning.

Well, you look gorgeous. I guess I was just waiting to hear that. Just waiting to hear that. We've been talking about it on the podcast. I've been treading water lately. Just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And, you know, small actions like that can have big benefits,

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podcast should we get into our uh question let's do it yeah well today's questioner is best known for the late night shows he hosted for nearly 30 years including including Late Night and The Tonight Show. His hit podcast is called Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, and he's one of the funniest people on the planet. That's right. We got our handsome friend,

Conan O'Brien, to ask us a question. Oh, man. Hey, handsome pod. Conan O'Brien here. And my question is, if you could go back in time and stop any one thing from happening. Oh, man. What would it be?

Whoa. One thing that you could stop. I was going to say I'm starstruck from hearing his voice. I've met him like two or three times. I'm like a deep fan. I think he's probably one of the reasons I started doing comedy. Yeah, he's probably one of the reasons i i started doing comedy yeah he's so funny man i used to watch him when i was growing up and the masturbating bear and everything like

how silly he was and and not and how self-deprecating and yeah yeah and then he that's someone who like you know meet your heroes he was so funny when i met him and i was like thank god he's exactly like you think he's gonna be you know i grew up watching him like high school into college um but tig you had some pretty epic conan appearances i think i watched the one of you um scooting the stool across the stage many a times yeah that was that was fun i i ruined their floor when i was dragging the stool seriously i yeah there's uh the state one part of the stage is i guess plexiglass where they have lights underneath the plexiglass yeah and i popped up onto that area with the stool and

started dragging it and they had to replace that whole portion of the stage. And then Conan told me that after I left that day, the sound engineer would play that through the speakers through when they were doing run throughs, just to drive everybody insane just the the the sound of the stool dragging on the stage oh my god that's amazing yeah my personal well i have two other personal favorites of times that i went on conan one was when stephanie and i before we were an item i wanted to act like, yeah, I called her and I wanted to act like I was just that I didn't even care that I was on TV and just talking to someone. That was in your documentary. It was great. You said, oh, you said, oh, wait, I got to take this real quick.

He's like, all right. You guys played so well with each other. And then Stephanie answers. What are you doing? You go, nothing. Yeah. I'm just talking to this guy yeah that was great and then my last one

thank you that I really loved was John Doerr another Canadian one of the funniest people I think alive he and I went on there and we did a whole bit about Goldilocks yes I remember this that was one of my I don't think I love John Doerr I gotta Google it yeah he's so funny

god he's so funny so you would come up with these bits before you would go on to you're like I think this could be funny and you would just run it run it by conan or you would surprise them well i just yeah i had like this ongoing list of ideas that i had like that i that didn't feel like it quite worked for my stand-up and i would think oh what can i do with this and then when i would be asked to go on the show then i would talk to the you know segment producer and and just run it by them. And yeah, but it got to a point where they would tell me, Oh, Conan, trust you, you can do whatever you want. And so I didn't even really have to run anything by them. In fact, the Stephanie part, he didn't really know what was Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. He's so funny. Yeah. So in his question, he's saying in history what we would stop.

Yeah, I guess you could interpret it as stop an event from your own life or, yeah, more broadly from history. If you could go back in history and stop one thing, what would it be? Yeah, I mean, I have a bunch of things coming to mind. I know, you probably have some facts coming our way. Well, I don't think so it's more like i i'm wondering if you if you you know whatever extinction event happened that killed the dinosaurs if you stop that from happening would humans have still evolved and then it would have been us and the dinos at the same time on the planet because that would

be pretty cool it might have humbled us you know to have like a not be the apex predator so you would want dinosaurs wandering around with us yeah stop the extinction event i think we would have gotten eaten right well we even made it out of that it would be really hard to like let max and finn go out and play and just be like keep an eye out for the dinosaurs yeah i'm scared of coyotes yeah that's true so you want to stick with that no i'll rethink that now that i'm thinking about max and finn and i don't want them to have to be like scurrying around little holes underground trying to hide from dinos so no you're right well it's not just about max and finn but i would be very concerned about them you know because they love playing outside and be really stressful

if there was a T-Rex that was in the neighborhood. And the whole premise of Jurassic Park is basically like you think you want this but you don't. Yeah you're right. You and yours. Ta-da-da-da-da Ta-da-da-da-da

You see the dinosaurs. Oh, my God. This is amazing. They're majestic and gorgeous. And then. Do you know what happened? I talked about this in my animated special on HBO, but it is a real story.

I used to work in child care and this woman that I worked with, drove me batty. Okay, drove me batty. And I was cleaning up the room sweeping one day, and she came in and she was talking and I was like, Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, was not paying attention and then i heard her say yeah and then the dinosaurs started eating everybody and i said wait what are you talking about and she said have you not heard about it and i said no and she said oh yeah the science she explained like the science behind it and how dinosaurs came back and they were eating people and i was like right now and i there was such a miscommunication i couldn't believe how casually she was telling me that they had brought dinosaurs back and that they're running around eating everybody i was like what

the hell are we doing here talking about this we We gotta go. I mean, it was terrifying. And I missed that one little chunk of information that it was a movie called Jurassic Park that was out now. That's not familiar. Yeah. But yeah, I just was so used to tuning this woman out. And man, was it terrifying. What was it about her that drove you so baddie? Just one of those people. Yeah, just one of those jobs where such a different mix of people end up working together. And I think about it all the time, actually, when I'm on tour. Well, when I was on tour in the early days and staying at kind of low rent motels, and I would drive up, show up to this place. It was so seedy. And then behind the desk is like an 80 year old woman with a gray haired bun on her head. And then

like a 19 year old goth kid. And they're both employees working behind the counter. Yeah, on the on the night shift. And I'm always like, how are they getting through? What are they talking about? Yeah, what is happening here? And so it was kind of a similar thing in that job where, you know, there was maybe my age i think i was like i don't know 22 or something and then uh just oh yeah she wasn't like a gray-haired bun on the head lady at which if you are that's fine i'm i'm two steps behind you with the gray-haired bun on my head i'm just saying like people from crazily different worlds working in these types of jobs it used to be like that in england when you when i started touring you'd go with a bunch of comedians that you didn't know and you just see if anyone was driving because it's because england's so small you're just like driving up to glasgow or something and you'd end up on these like six

hour drives with these random comics and uh and that you'd be like we would never cross paths in life this weird assortment of i remember this one guy was gonna drive me up to like newcastle or something we were gonna do a show and then he'd been we'd been texting and he'd been texting like oh yeah i'll pick you up xx because in england everyone does x and then and then i get there and i got my little guitar to do my musical comedy and then I get in the car and he goes oh my god I'm so sorry this is so embarrassing I thought you were a girl so I was ending all the texts on XX and I was like oh yeah this is back like yeah anyway he thought you were a girl so he thought he thought he was texting a girl so he was ending all the texts with xx and like being really sweet and i guess talking differently than he would to like a blokey

male comic so then i got in the car and he thought i was a blokey male comic so he was like oh shit sorry i thought because of your name that you were a girl so i was texting with all these exes it was so uncomfortable because then we had a six hour drive together after that. He's like, I take back my exes. You didn't identify as non-binary then. No, so I was like, I am a girl. And he was like, oh, yeah, sorry. Anyway, so

what's this show we're doing? Oh my gosh, that's wild. In those situations, I just go way overboard trying to make the person feel comfortable and not embarrass myself. I was just like just like anyway i think you're such a good comedian i am a boy yeah whatever you want me to be i can be or like in serbia i went on tour in serbia and i ended up in this car with all these like weird serbian comedians drinking this plum liqueur that they were passing around and they're smoking in the car with the windows up and i was just like what is this job like yeah is there a big comedy scene in serbia

no it's really in its infancy and so you i would imagine totally and you have these serbian guys who are basically imitating american comics that they're just discovering so you've got like the guy who's doing mitch hedberg and you got got the guy who's doing, like it's crazy. There's like a small scene in Budapest too that's trying to start. Had you gone to do any comedy there? No, have you? Mm-mm.

I have not either. You just heard on the grapevine. I just heard I had a friend that randomly went and did a show there. Let's go, guys. And they were trying a little scene going. Get the handsome crew out there out to budapest serbia first

internationally now not to you know come out of uh fortune solo thank you that she's taken there yeah apologies i was i was thinking i'm i'm forgetting what that time period is i guess Thank you. so around 1900 ish okay i have a seventh grade education so my apologies but that is the time that concerns me the most because i feel like that's when the planet started to go to hell that's so true so if you could like isolate like the one guy who invented like petrol like combustion engines or something fuck yeah that man because that's when dickens was writing and the way he describes just like the thick smog in london and he said that the thames river was like a poisonous snake from all the like chemicals and he described like these piston heads of the big machines and he said that they they moved like like a he said like a crazed elephant

that was stuck in its cage at the zoo and just going nuts and moving its head. That always haunted me. It said it started in 1760 and it ended in 1840. The Industrial Revolution? Mm-hmm. Really? Wow, was I way off.

That's what this says. Jesus. I Google. There were two. There was one that was the time that may is saying too and what time does it say what time frame that was 1870 to 1914 right yeah okay it's called the second industrial revolution okay well whatever all of the pollution and everything that uh happened to this planet during that time period. I mean, obviously, it's so great to have advancements in certain areas,

but it's just such a bummer. Yes, and for like 100 years, it's like we're driving towards a cliff and there's all these turning points that we could take. We're just like, whatever. We're about to get eaten by a pterodactyl what about you fortune i was trying to think in my head like would i go way back in time or like a more recent thing like like would i go to where the pandemic started and however that broke out and then have that not happen have that not happen maybe so you're good with like a polluted planet i mean that's you're interpreting anything else we say now you're gonna be like

well i thought i had to pick something different i. We couldn't all go in on the second industrial revolution. If you cared. I mean, I do care for sure. I don't want to get eaten by pollution dinosaurs for sure. What about in your personal life? Is there any moment in either of your personal lives that you would go back and stop? I always go back to I wish I never smoked a cigarette in my life. Um, I just,

I think about it every day and I can see the impact that it's had in different areas of my health. And it's just, it's like once you lose your health in certain ways, you can't turn back and it's just such a bummer that like i i just i just wish i didn't do that how long did you smoke oh my god i smoked from the time i mean not consistently but i started smoking around eight or nine and then really yeah yeah i was like a real huckleberry tig how did you get a cigarette at eight or nine? They were laying around? Everybody in my family smoked, and I could just smoke in my bedroom

because the whole house smelled like smoke. So it wasn't like I had to go hide somewhere and do it. The whole place reeked of smoke. Huckleberry Tig. That's what my friends used to call me. I'm picturing you in your in it you're in like a kid's bedroom you're like your eight-year-old bedroom you're reading like charlotte's web but you got a cigarette no i'm listening to the beatles yeah yeah yeah i i started very casually

smoking at that age and then i would say when i was 11 is when I started smoking. And then by the time I was probably 13, 14, maybe it was a little old. It might have been around 15, 16. I was fully, I had dropped out of school. I was two packs a day smoking. Yeah, we're very similar. Yeah. Yeah.

Same time frame. I was a big old dork i had like one puff and i was like that's gonna hurt my singing voice yeah you're like how am i gonna hit that delicate flower i can't be smoking on these six i i do wish like the first time i was about to do coke that someone said you could do a cold plunge just get in this ice bath instead so is that what you would go back on may is you wouldn't want to do coke or is there something else i think like we've we've maybe touched on this before that i'm because i like my life so much right now i'm always wary to fuck with the past when a wizard

presents me with the opportunity to go back in time and like change something like oh i'm a wizard i'm like oh i don't trust this guy like would you trust that voice may would would you like to go back in time and change one thing i can do it because i am a wizard what is your name why did you choose me and what's your name my name is willie the wizard and i have come to just change one thing and i promise if you change that one thing nothing else bad will happen wink wink i do not trust this guy tig i do i do hey do. Hey, Willie, what's up? What's up? Yeah, hey, I'm Tig. Hello, Tig. Yes, if you could take cigarettes out of my past,

I'd really appreciate it. Well, I had a mission to grant one person one wish, and this feels like a lot task for another, but I guess I can also grant you one wish. There are a few things that might happen if i take that one thing away some other things might uh happen that weren't great like in a photograph of tig like people just start fading out you know what i mean like the butterfly effect of that one change can i show you a picture of me long ago smoking a cig? Hold on. I have to go. Goodbye.

Let me show you. This is about as gay, long-haired smoking as one can get. Changing attire. Oh, my God. Holy shit. You look like such a dyke. Can you send that to us? Yeah yeah can we get that on our phones okay tig looks i like her dykey butch and my hair is long it's like the gayest photo i've got i mean i'm changing attire i've got grease all over me

look dave grohl and Nirvana. Seriously, that is like album cover material. Yeah, I should probably post that on social media now that you're talking about it. What am I doing keeping this a secret? Let the world in. Well, that's a good one. Taking back the smoke. And Mae, I think you're not sure about the cocaine because you probably rehab, you know,

transformed you in a lot of ways. Well, I've managed to monetize my trauma in a lot of ways so i'm like well i mean isn't that what our job is as a comedian sort of yeah i think i would go you know there's this one night where i was i was dancing in a bar and having so much fun and feeling really confident this is recently like six years ago or something and I was like oh my god I'm feeling so like I'm I'm dancing so confidently with all my friends and I'm not a natural dancer but I was like a bit drunk and then this really beautiful Argentinian woman came up to me and was dancing with me and I was like oh my god yes and then she leans over and she goes don't be Pinocchio and I went what she goes, don't be Pinocchio. And I went, what? And she goes, don't be Pinocchio. You're so stiff like Pinocchio and awkward. It's okay. You can dance,

move, try and loosen up. And I was like, I will never dance again. I hate you and myself. I was, and I went and sat down and I was like, fuck that. Like, I really thought I'd crested a hill with like dancing. So that's maybe I'd go back and I'd take away the woman saying, don't be Pinocchio. Because every time I dance, I think, don't be Pinocchio. I wouldn't take away any of the big, hard things that happen. Because like you're saying, Mae, I do think that builds a lot of things that you need for other obstacles later in life.

I would maybe go back and eat more fruit and vegetables and have it be something that is such a part of my life as a kid that I love it and crave it as an adult. You might have messed with the suppositories, though. That's probably why I was taking suppositories. I didn't have any fruit and vegetables. I probably wouldn't need those. I'm going to save my butt from all those suppositories

if I had just eaten some Brussels sprouts. If you needed to have somebody help you with a suppository, would you ask Jax? Oh, I thought you were going to volunteer. No, no. I don't care what medical situation you were in. I would not do that for you. I would do it.

Of course I'd do it. Plugging some butts with the handsome pod. Plugging some butts with the handsome pod. I'm asking about this because one of my favorite stories that kevin nealon has told is when he and his wife susan first met he was so constipated oh no i can't stop telling everybody this story but he was so constipated he was in fetal position when she came over for a date and he was like, can you, can you go get a suppository for me,

please? And, uh, and he said that the image he is that just kills me is that he said that, and she did this. She inserted the suppository on a first, I don't know if it was first it was a first couple of dates he said it was like trying to insert a suppository into a brick wall

oh my god and and he said that after she did it he thought oh, now she's seen this. Should I push her down the stairs and kill her? Or marry her. Yeah. Kill her or marry her. Yes. And they're still together. Wow. That is true love.

I don't know why I love that story so much. I guess it truly just sounds like the worst nightmare possible. Yeah. If I was Susan, I would think this guy's in he's got a suppository fetish he's pretending he wants me to yeah i i'm way too like i as soon as i'm sick or have to like i wish parvati thought i was like a machine like i don't want to show any vulnerability and i want to always look so fresh but uh when i do get sick and i have to like accept care in that way i'm like i suddenly turned so soft like i'm i'm i would propose to any of you right now like i get very romantic

and kind of like insecure like i'm scared i'm going to propose in my sleep you like to be cared for nurture no do you think i do and that's i think i hate it and i get so like it seems like you love it it seems like i love it yeah and so wait is that like your biggest fear of proposing yeah yeah in my sleep just because i'm so insecure that i'm being seen as you know as vulnerable and human and not like a kind of sex robot that i'm like oh god i guess will you marry me like i don't know that i don't know why my mind is a sex robot that I'm like oh god I guess will you marry me? I don't know they don't see me as a sex robot anymore that's what you want to be seen as

you want to be a sex robot yes completely but I love to care for people and I'm not squeamish at all and like I love when people are like I have a girlfriend who used to every morning we'd wake up I love when people are sick.

I dated this woman who, every morning when we would wake up, she had, like, stomach problems. At first, like, she thought I was still asleep, and I would just hear her, I'd feel her body tense, and then she'd be like, and I'd go, did you just fart? And she's like, oh, God, sorry. Anyway, and then she-

Was it Debbie? Yeah. Oh, sorry, my, oh, yeah. you just fart and she's like oh god sorry i just anyway and then she was it debbie yeah oh sorry no but then it turned out that i was it didn't turn me on but i was like it's so cool that you're confident enough to just fart on me in bed it started to almost like it wasn't a fart fetish but i was like it's so badass because she stopped she stopped trying to hide it so we'd wake up and she'd just go and fart and i'd be like crying laughing and i was like it's really cool because i would never in a million years yeah do you know what i mean kind of or no about the uh fetish just how cool it is if someone's like that unembarrassed about farting and they and it's like it's hot because it's they're like i know you're so obsessed with me that you won't even care if i just fart of of you guys i think i'd probably feel most comfortable weirdly having thomas put a suppository i find him really calm he's got a

very nurturing energy do you find that tick uh yeah he's very nurturing I mean, he's nurtured me for nearly a decade. I like to think I've nurtured him in ways as well. No suppositories so far, though. But I would do it. Tombas would say, all right, I've gotten three brands. I Googled, and these are the top-leading brands. And I went to the internet, and I I googled what is the best way to insert said suppository I found the best suppository for each of you as individuals yeah this one

is better for you fortune because it has and then you list these things fruits and vegetables now um Thomas would you suppository us would you suppository us? Would you suppository us? Yeah, if you needed that. In a crisis, in a crisis. You're just out of laziness. I don't think so. I don't think so, out of laziness. If I was like, Thomas, hey, I'm so tired,

but I totally need a suppository. Would you suppository me? Can't too all right i'll do it okay that was pretty easy that didn't take that was impressive what if you ask willie the wizard i'll do it but i'm going to need some things in return what is that willie two years of yes gold two years of gold oh my god two years of gold two years of gold i'm starting to think you know how much that is i'm starting to think that willie the wizard is just a random guy off the street who wandered in no may i'm starting to think willie the wizard is just fortune feimster what yeah yeah two years of gold how so wait is it two years consistently exactly how much that is don't act like you don't that is. Don't act like you don't. That is what my kids would have said when they were like three. They would be like, you owe me two years of gold.

Because I would ask them, they always would guess people's ages, people's weight, all that kind of stuff. I don't want them to play that game with me. all that kind of stuff i don't want them to play that game with me and they would they would probably be like you probably weigh two weeks and four pounds you know like nothing would make sense and uh that's what i'm on to with willie the wizard well he disappeared i don't know where he went he got embarrassed and also it was a he yeah willie god oh i'm sorry i'm sorry that you guys are so caught in gender norms that willie can't be willamina or non-binary yes everyone and he left would you suppository us that's the new like test of love you know you were just saying about your kids being funny and then it made me think of some funny stuff that this five-year-old i live with said i don't want to be that person but i

have to i got no outlet for this because i don't really do it in stand-up but we were playing go fish and uh i go do you have a six and she looks and she goes no and i went oh damn and she goes you're in hollywood babe she's fine it was really good and you're in hollywood babe we were eating and she has like a stuffed animal pig and uh she kept saying like the pig was my friend and And then out of nowhere, she goes, May's ancestors are pigs. I was like, where'd you learn the word ancestor? Where'd she learn the word pigs?

May's ancestors are pigs. I wrote it down because I thought you, you should like open an email address and email yourself all the funny shit that Max and Finn say. So you don't forget it. Didn't I tell you I have a document for their whole life it goes on for pages oh my god i date everything it's an ongoing document that i i've written down and when i'm out of town i have stephanie text it to me if they say anything funny and i add it to the doc and it's so old that um the subject title is baby quotes oh my god they're gonna be

eight in june that's so good yeah and what are you gonna give it to them like on their 16th birthday or something well i erased it oh no oh such a twist yeah i decided fuck it yeah just uh got rid of it so should we see what um conan has to say yes okay handsome pod here's my answer i'd go back to 1987 and i would stop the manufacture and sale of compact discs yeah turned out it was a waste of time we all bought compact discs we were told it was really great. Great way to listen to music is a digital. And then whatever. Short time afterwards, they said, forget it. And by then I had spent easily maybe, I don't know, $15,000 on compact discs, often buying the same album over and over and over again, which is on me. I don't know why I did that. It was a compulsive thing.

I don't know. I'm thinking about it now, and I'm thinking, really? Compact discs? What about stopping World War II? I didn't think of that. I should probably go back and say I'd stop World War II. Shit.

I didn't think about this enough. Okay. All right. Well, it it's too late i'm going with compact discs compact discs 1987 not world war ii damn it did you guys buy a lot of cds i think that's a that's really made me think that answer well i guess similar with like blu-ray and like vhs i have a lot of cds yeah. You still have them? I think I finally tossed them when we sold our house. I have like the big, what do you call these things? The stacks that were in a thing that you flipped.

CD stacks? Sure. Yeah, yeah. No, but the folder thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love CDs. You do? I loved them. I was kind of bummed when everything went digital. was like oh this isn't as fun well because now you don't really own anything right

yeah it's all just out there i liked having to choose one cd to take out for the day on my discman and and you'd listen to the whole album all the way through you know and then you know it always skips so you'd have to hold your discman kind of flat. I used to be so stoked to get the CD because it had all the lyrics in the folder thing. And then you could sing along. Because that's before you could Google the lyrics anything. So I was like, oh, that's what they're saying. Yeah, I love the reading the lyrics and also looking at any pictures that were on the inside sleeve. Oh, I guess I'm thinking more of vinyl right now, but I've loved vinyl record sleeves.

Pull that out. We should have just skipped CDs and tapes and stuck with vinyl, right? Easy to play in the car. There was nothing better than someone making you a mixtape. That means they were like really digging you. I used to make mixtapes with, and I made one called like comedy mixtape. And so I would rent from Blockbuster,

my favorite, it would be like Billy Madison with Adam Sandler. And I'd like fast forward and find the funniest lines and then I'd record them onto the mixtape. And then so I had this compilation of just like funny lines from movies and comics. And like, I'd put on my mom's Steve Martin vinyl and then like record the line of him being like, you know, excuse me. So this was just a psychotic tape of just like, just mismatched. I love it. Well, that was a real treat to have Conan O'Brien visit the handsome pod.

Truly an honor. Is there anything we want to talk about before we head out of here? Well, we have a live streaming show happening February 12th. We're doing a show at the Dynasty Typewriter. It's going to be all about love, but not just for our friends and relationships, for our single friends as well. Whatever your questions are regarding that can be also about coming out.

It could be about meeting people. It could be about our experiences. Whatever you want. We can also give advice. It's going to be so fun, and you can watch it from anywhere. I think we've sold out the in-person tickets already but you can stream it from anywhere in the world and you go to dynasty

typewriter.com and you get the link and you can watch it for like a whole week even if your time zone is um different you can watch it whenever you want i might dress as a pretty little lady please oh my god please i'll be whatever your version of handsome is that's what we want you should dress as you changing the tire on the like yeah long hair cigarette backwards cap full of grease do you guys have any shows that you want to promote well i have a show that stephanie and i have been doing called she said she at Largo. And it's where we talk about our family and each other and issues that have come up. It's like my dream comedy show is watching you and Stephanie talk. Like, that's so great. I will be there. Well, it is very fun. And that's at

Largo. And then I have some shows at Dynasty Typewriter. And then I'm also going to be in Peekskill, New York on March 8th. And then they added another show in Waterville, Maine on March 10th. Come on out and we'll see you there. What about you, Fortune? I'm on tour. So if you want to catch a show, February 18th, I'll be in Poughkeepsie, New York, then Houston, Texas, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Wilmington, and Durham, North Carolina in mid-March. Los Angeles, got a big show there on March 23rd at the theater at the Ace Hotel. San Luis Obispo, Albany, New York, Hartford, Connecticut, New York City on March 30th at the Beacon Theater, Bakersfield, California, Rancho Mirage, then Seattle and Toronto.

Go to fortunefeimster.com for tickets. Nice. I've got actually live streaming two nights at the Elysian on the 15th and 16th of February with Stephanie Allen, Tig's wife,

and Alana Johnston. We're doing two nights in a row of improv that we're going to also live stream. So you can get tickets to that. And then I'm at Largo on the 24th of February with amazing guests. I got Zooey Deschanel. Yeah, it's going to be sick.

Last but not least, we have merch. We have great merch, some really cool stuff. So check it out. People have been sending us their pictures with their handsome shirts on and hats and all the stickers. It's so cool. Uh, seeing people out in the world being handsome, seeing people at our shows to like our live shows, wearing the merch. It's very surreal. I'm very cool. And as always, we're so grateful to everyone for listening and getting into the pod. Yeah, really. It's so exciting you can get that merch at handsomepod.com so go go do that and uh as we always say tell your friends about the show subscribe tell friends share an episode if you

have a favorite episode share it with who you think would like it it's it's really fun to watch the show grow and uh i don't know until next next time. Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast. What a podcast.

What a podcast.