Handsome - Gabrielle Union asks about childhood crushes

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

Gabrielle Union makes the Handsome hosts giggle with a question about childhood crushes, plus polite conversation at the strip club, Fortune's slicked back hair, Urban Cowboy, and more!We have a LOVE-themed live streaming show, February 12! Tickets here: https://www.squadup.com/events/handsome-podcast-1 Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster Follow us on social media: @handsomepod Merch: handsomepod.com Email the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey handsome listeners, we're very excited to announce a handsome live show on Monday, February 12th that you can stream from anywhere in the world. Our first show was so much fun that we're doing it again and we'll be taking your guys's questions. Plus we're going to have a bunch of surprises and maybe a special guest or two. So get tickets at DynastyTypewriter.com now and join us again it's february 12th your link will last all week and you can get tickets at dynastytypewriter.com cheers welcome to another episode of Handsome! It's your gal Fortune and I'm joined by

Your guy Mae And Tig Tig Notaro! Boom boom boom! Boom boom boom boom boom boom folks! How are you guys? Doing well. Just popped down into the kitchen.

Mr. Thomas is over at the house. We were having some food, chatting with my little roommates. And yeah, so nothing too exciting. Just run of the mill at home business. I'm not at the place with the woman I'm heavily involved with and her child. I'm at my little bachelor pad in silver. Like that's kind of like an office now. And I just I'm doing like very like I'm having a nice tea.

And then I was just watching a very crazy true crime doc about a guy who admitted to killing these people, his girlfriend's parents. And then he's like, actually, guys, I didn't do it. My girlfriend did it. And she told me to say that I did it. And then now I'm like, maybe he's telling the truth. Wow. That's quite a twist.

Why would the girlfriend tell him? Obviously, she doesn't want to get in trouble but why i don't even understand like if stephanie killed somebody and said i did it but can you tell people you did it i would be like no i believe it's called doing me a solid i believe in the criminal world it's called do it they was they were in a toxic relation and he was german that's not relevant relevant but he it is he had come to uh be an exchange student and he fell in love for the first time with this woman who she and they have these letters where she's like i'm lady macbeth and i'm whoa let's do witchcraft and kill my parents and he's like yeah cool uh hot and then um

he claims that i'd be a bad juror because basically whoever's on the stand talking i'm like yeah i believe him i believe also how how is it hot i don't understand that everybody has different versions of what turns them on some like that kind of crazy but like it it excites people to kill people i mean i think a very small person very small and i think what i'm gathering is this guy was very naive and inexperienced and he'd never had sex and then he and then he had sex with this woman he was like i will do anything for what i don't know am i being manipulated but i believe that's called fortune fortune that's what it's called fortune sorry vagina whip fortune i'll send you guys a link to this doc do you think that she wrote in the letter hey can you do me a solid can you do me a solid is that where that

comes from do me a solid where does that come from i should yeah we thought you knew if i had to guess i would say it comes from i'm going my brain's going to poo and i know that that's not where we want to go right at the top of the app ep. Oh, a solid. Do me a solid. Yeah. I don't know if it comes from anything like, you know, historically. You don't think Cleopatra said to Mark Anthony, do me a solid? Well, it's probably like do me a solid favor, right? That's just it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

There's nothing about poop or. I don't know why I went to... It's kind of like when you take the word chill and you take the word relax and you chillax. Where do you think all that and a bag of chips comes from? Subway. I'll have all that and a bag of chips. That would be so fun to go doing or that must happen to them all the

time you go into subway sandwiches and be like yeah i'll have all that in a bag of chips please that would be the place to say it yeah do you think in a pizza place you go thanks it's been a slice probably not i'm imagining people tuning into this podcast for the first time and being like, I don't know. What is it? What are they talking about? I just had a flashback to a childhood memory. I lived in Texas. There was a restaurant called Pizza Wheel.

And it was a pizza restaurant with a wagon wheel on the front. It was the 70s. And little Tidge would go to pizza wheel all by her lonesome and play oh my gosh i as a kid you go by yourself yeah and well they had a jukebox oh and i would go buy a root beer and i'd play my favorite songs on the jukebox. And at the time, it was just the jukebox was full of, you know, Willie Nelson's Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys and all these just awesome old tunes. And I would just hang out. My brother and I used to watch Westerns when I was little.

And I think I was kind of taken by that vibe of, you know, going into this like saloon type vibe pizza restaurant, getting my root beer and listening to my 70s country classics. Imagine the staff at that restaurant being like she's back get the root beer there he is again yeah there he is again whoever that is under that bowl haircut uh what have you been what have you been up to fortune i cleaned my office when earlier today before we did before we gathered do you find find anything well i've been on the road like crazy at the end of this tour we'll have done a hundred cities so i am just in a daze of like where am i what am i doing where where's anything and so i finally was like putting things in its place hanging hanging things up, throwing stuff away.

And I find it to be the best feeling to purge. Yes, yes. Which is what I like to do in a new year. I like to purge and start fresh. That is a really good feeling. You know, Marie Kondo was so big for a while and she would say you're meant to pick up every object and say does it bring me joy yeah that's a lot that's a tall

order that's like a high bar to hit does it yeah bring me joy well i don't like stuff like think to me i think there's so much energy that's you know we did that one episode where we talked about woohoo things i do think that stuff holds energy and when you walk into a house and there's a lot of stuff and someone has like it's very cluttered and there's like things on all the walls and furniture everywhere it feels very heavy to me and um as a as an empath um i walk in and feel it all is jack's a minimalist yes very much so okay so that's a good match what about you and the woman you are highly involved heavily involved with we're a similar level of of sort of untidy but not messy but yeah no i don't think clutter is good yeah yeah i mean my wife's at the other end of the spectrum she's like ocd must clean everything everything must be like she is like another level like if it was up to her it would just be you her and biggie in a big in a

white room empty in a white room yes yeah she's like such a germaphobe such a like if she could take q-tips and like clean the baseboards yeah she would she could yeah i mean her mom's like that too she's very tidy as well now i come from uh not tidy folks i come from people who love a lot of things like a lot a lot of things um so i took the the opposite stance of like i don't like things i don't like stuff but i i don't know how to clean like jack's cleans gotta get you some q-tips i guess so i'm glad your office is tidy that even makes me it feels good yeah like i feel calm knowing that see when i'm on tour i also did not to compete but well over 100 shows on this last tour and whenever i come home i just drop stuff in my office and go because it's just like my house is a crash pad for me basically i also have which is

completely out of control every piece of art max and finn have done and i'm trying to figure out what to do with it uh i fantasize about making wallpaper with it or you know just something something a quilt or or maybe just a a book like you have a like a properly bound book, you know, where if you're scanning it all or something. But I don't know if I'd want to scan it. I'd want the original. That's the thing is I know people scan things into whatever. If there's another Met Gala, maybe you could.

If there's another one. If they continue that tradition tradition they're on the fence about it then uh maybe you could wear a kind of gown made of uh or make one and give it to kim kardashian or something it's always been a dream of mine to go to the met gala in a gown um hello next year the handsomes are going to be invited to the Met Gala. Word on the street says we're going. Do they wear suits? Do they wear prom dresses?

Do they wear a horse costume with all three of them in it? Oh, yes. Do they wear old baby bonnets from Fortune's Childhood? Please let us go to the Met Gala and wear baby clothes. We're all in diapers with rattles and a bib. And hear from the handsome podcast. Three babies. We're all barefoot.

Oh, my God. I'd do it. You would go to the Met Gala, too? Yeah. Barefoot in a diaper. No shirt. Just flashing my God. I'd do it. You would go to the Met Gala too? Yeah. Barefoot in a diaper, no shirt, just flashing my scars. Really make us flash. Yeah.

Yeah. And what if, well, if the theme, you know, there's always a theme. Maybe the theme is like childhood something. Yeah. Childhood something. That is the theme. Fingers crossed. If they announce it. I'm not great at themes. This year it's childhood something that thing is fingers crossed the theme if they announce it and this year it's childhood something does that interest you the the met gala no i have no interest in fashion i mean yeah of course no i what am i talking about of course it interests me in fact i'm gonna slick back my hair i want nothing more i want to be there i want to be looking at um all the famous people fortune fortune fortune a fortune or what's happening i'm at the med gala

and wait and my hair is slicked back and it would you be holding it the whole time yeah yeah yeah yeah i would go i want to see all those fancy people who gets invited just famous people very famous people it's usually yeah and people there jessica parker it's like whoever's big that year plus people who are fashiony and have like jared leto jared leto will be there you know you know leto will be there jay leno will be there soon. Jay Leno. In his Canadian tuxedo. Which I love. Jared Leto.

I did go to an event where Jared Leto was at the same table as me. And he was sitting across from me. And he has a vibe of a sort of cult leader. And he's in his shades and his long hair. And it was like there was this amazing chef. And it was like a Michelin-starred chef. Ooh, I like that. Yeah.

And the food was amazing. I was someone's. Oh, I like that a lot. I was a plus one. And so the chef comes out at one point and is like, I hope you're enjoying the meal. And Jared Leto goes, I'm not going to eat it. And we're all like, oh, I'm not going to eat it. And we're all like, Oh, okay.

Yeah. And he goes, uh, yeah. Cause I got food poisoning at one of these things once. And, the chef is like, Oh sir,

I assure you, you would not get food poisoning from my food. And he reaches in his jacket and he pulls out a power bar, like an energy bar. And he's like, that's why I always bring these. And he opens it and starts eating it in front of the chef. Wow.

Wow. That takes balls. Yeah, or something. Fortune. I would have already like licked my plate clean and had the sauce on the side of my face. Totally. And I ate it. It was two thumbs up for me.

Did I get any on my bonnet? I eat it. Two thumbs up for me. Did I get any on my bonnet? But also Jared Leto's like, you know, does he have any fat on his entire body? He's very ripped, this guy. He eats air, yeah. I find all those events, I've only been to like one or two of those events. And it's weird because you go and it's supposed to be all the hottest people on the planet, right?

Which is weird that i wasn't invited that was weird and that none of us were invited in our diapers is fucked but i i went as a plus one and to this event and i'm like looking around and and i wasn't finding anyone uh sexy because everyone's very self-conscious and kind of not not relaxing and uh they're always looking over everyone's shoulder to see what famous person's walking by. It was a real lesson in like I hope you told everyone I'm not finding any

of you sexy. Oh I went around the room I said listen I was excited to see you but you are not vibing. I'm going to need y'all to step up your sexy game. Or I'm leaving and I'm taking fortune in her bonnet and diaper with me. That's right.

We've been talking about it on the podcast. I've been treading water lately. Just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day now I've been using seeds dso1 daily symbiotic and it's great my skin feels

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watched any of Hacks, guess what? It's on Max. You can catch up. And I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast. and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts.

The last fancy party I went to, I met Sandra Bullock, and she's just so gorgeous and beautiful. And I did not fit. Sandy pants. I found her very sexy i would call her sandy of course and she gave me a hug and it was probably the greatest night of my life when was this um a year ago oh man that's pretty amazing like people people like her who've been in the business and they're comfortable with themselves and they're just real people who they're like, like Kevin Bacon. I met and I think I was like, that's a that's a celebrity like that. He just is glowing.

He's like so charismatic and charming. And then I feel like she was dancing, having fun. She wasn't self-conscious about anything. I'm like, that's what's up. Yeah, exactly. You know who is she's I don't know her well, but I do know her. And she is very type A OCD. Sandy is? Yeah, doesn't even.

I'm now calling her Sandy. Doesn't even have a housekeeper. Does it all herself. She's like, Jax, Jax doesn't want that either. And I'm like, can we please? Because you're fussing at me to clean my bathroom. I don't want to do that. I don't know how to do it.

That's a little fun fact for you i would not have known that about her because she was just like carefree and dancing and i wouldn't have been like you seem like the type that likes she has that complicated um dual personality where she's so fun and funny and friendly and down to do bits and then it's like not late clean as a whistle everything's in order yeah all of this is still big bonuses for me yeah this is all i'm loving all of this i'm not seeing a downside no no downside nor do i i think she's she's pretty she's pretty great let's be be honest. She's listening. And she is. We love you.

Hey, Sandy. Hey, Sandy. If you want to ask us a question, we'd be happy to answer it. Yeah, we'd be real happy. You know what surprised me at that one fancy party I went to where Jared was and all those people? I've never had strong feelings about Paris Hilton. And then she she arrived and i was like oh i get it she was the most fun she was dancing she was laughing she

was just like hilarious and fun she's a dj i didn't talk to her but i stood near her and i thought you're cooler than these people she knows how to get a party started she She's a DJ. She's a DJ? Baby. Yeah, come on. What do you mean she's a DJ? She literally is a DJ. I don't know how else to explain it. Okay, you hire Paris Hilton and she DJs your party? Yeah, you'd have to probably pay her a lot of money, though. She's a famous DJ.

Yeah. Not famous for DJing, but she is famous and DJ. I don't know. She presses play. I know, but like, was this before she had her little, you know? No, this is like more recent years

that she's become a DJ. I don't think she's doing it like on the reg. Uh-huh. But you should watch her documentary, the Paris Hilton documentary on YouTube. Oh, actually, I do want to watch that. Oh, man.

It changed my life, I was about to say, and then I thought, did it? oh man it changed it changed my life i was about to say and then i thought did it no uh not at all my life i don't know why there's a real shift in you well well i got in touch with my humanity and what i want to accomplish in life after watching the paris hilton documentary wow so she's a dj it probably does make you understand her a little better right yes well that's what they're meant to do these documentaries fortune yeah yeah is Hilton documentary. Wow. So she's a DJ. It probably does make you understand her a little better, right? Yes. That's what they're meant to do,

these documentaries, Fortune. That's good. Yeah. Tig has one. I have one. Check it out on Netflix. It's called Tig. I'm going to rewatch it actually

because I haven't watched it since I know you. And I remember watching it before I ever met you and being very captivated. And now I'm going to rewatch it and be even more deeply moved. It changed.

It's going to change my life. Look, I'm no DJ. No, listen. And I can't get a party started. But my first girlfriend referred to me as a party anvil. Oh, my gosh. Rather than a party animal. I like that.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Rather than a party animal. I like that. Yeah. Well, that is definitely, I'll put that on my list of must-watches. Must-watch. Yeah, she went to one of those,

she got sent to one of those troubled teen schools. I'm writing about those schools for my new Netflix series, and so I did all this research, because a friend of mine also got sent and it's pretty fascinating someone said isn't she going to through channels to get some of the those schools shut down right dude don't get me started i could do a three hour it's a billion dollar industry these troubled teen schools they're um actually mitt romney i think is a big investor don't check that fact it might be liable it might not be true but it's like let's reverse that my fact like multi-billion dollar industry of these unregulated schools where the kids basically get kidnapped and

and taken there yeah against their will like in the middle of the night. Middle of the night. Like they make it as sort of traumatic as possible. And then these schools use these techniques that are, they're all, they were started in these cults in the 70s, like Synanon, these self-help cults that use like brainwashing. And that cult Synanon got shut down for all kinds of reasons.

And then a lot of the founding members started up these official teen schools. Oh, really? Yes it's um so look i'm getting like excited because it's like when the kid misbehaves somebody comes and snatches them in the night and puts them well it's like if the kid has a like it's continuous like and the parents are like we don't know what to do anymore we're in our wits and mitt Then Mitt Romney swings by snatches your kid. Mitt comes by. Have you heard of those like wilderness ones where they're like out in the woods doing stuff people are yelling at them. Yeah bear or hey bear. Yeah anyway it's it's a they gotta get they gotta get shut down. Well I was a I've been like very responsible since i was like 10 so really yeah i was like

always the i don't know my mom said even when i was a kid i was the kid that like looked both ways before i crossed like i have been misresponsible that's like your kids take right they're they're sort of they put themselves to bed if they got tired. Yeah. Yeah, we went to a friend's party. It was like, oh, bring kids. We're going to make ornaments. And my friend said to me and Stephanie, she was like, your kids are like Midwestern uncles. That's hilarious because they are i i'm sorry to like go on about them but they're so polite and they're so sweet and they wear these little um sweater vests that have little patches on the

elbows you know oh my god it's it's really cute yeah i don't know if what if that's just like something that you instinctually have or if it's like a learned behavior. But yeah, I was always like so responsible. My God, I was not until I was probably 30. I mean, we've talked about this in different variations. But I mean, you know, I was making it happen in life. But I was definitely, I had some real blind spots and couldn't pull it together.

Even when I got older and I like, you know, you go to a strip club or something. Do you? Fortune. Fortune. Fortune. You know, they're, they're, they're dancing and I'm just like, hi, Angela. Like, is everything good? Saying that to the strippers? They're dancing and I'm just like, hi, Angela. Like, is everything good?

Saying that to the strippers? And then they're like dancing while telling me their life story. And I'm like, yeah, that would be hard. I'm so sorry that that happened. I am obsessed with this image. You're like, I wore a bonnet as a child. And what were you doing at strip clubs just i don't know you know when you get older it just happens when's the last time you were at a strip club because i've got many years yeah like over a decade um no i mean like my chelsea lately days we occasionally bop in there really it's like we had a vegas show or something but i

don't yeah i mean it wasn't like my go-to spot but like you know i mean once in a blue moon i feel like i've been to strip club like maybe five times i've been to a strip club yeah and um what does that work when i do it but yeah i think it has been since maybe 2000 is the last time i remember going to a strip club i've only been twice well technically once once was a charity event raising money for a sort of gay theater and they had uh this stripper there who was a sort of friend nice friend of a friend yeah she and she she was kind of connected to the theater somehow and so she was giving private lap dances and i was 20 to raise money i'm yeah and i'm with my girlfriend at the time who's 27 and I'm 20 and I have never I'm pretending I go to strip clubs all the time and then I was like I really have a crush on that dancer and my

girlfriend was like let's go get a lap dance I was like I couldn't possibly and then your girlfriend was like it's for charity it's for charity yeah okay so we go in and then um and then we're getting this lap dance me and my girlfriend and then she said uh you know you can touch me if you want and and then i was like oh no because the whole the whole point is you're not like the the reason it's relaxing is there's no expectation you don't have to do anything right and suddenly i'm like well how much and where and freaking out and did you give her a big old bear hug a big old bear hug yeah and then the second time i went smack one titty and she's like she's like

fortune you imagine they're going you can just reach that you didn't say how smack one titty anyway sorry that's what she says you can smack one titty if you want to well sure thank you uh did you end up did you end up touching or you just kept your hands down yes i did and and i felt like i was in like we were in love and i know that's her job but i by the end of this three minute song i was like okay i guess i'm breaking up with my girlfriend and marrying this woman that's a powerful yes and then i'm breaking up with my girlfriend and marrying this woman. That's a powerful advance.

Yes. And then I sort of told my girlfriend like, I don't know, I think I had a connection with her. She was like, that is her job. Your girlfriend was like, we probably are going to break up if you got a connection in three minutes. Did the stripper ask you to take your propeller hat off? She let me keep it on. Your propeller hat just hit my titty i put it on

and then the the second time i went i went with my male friend in england and we're pretty drunk and um again got a private dance in a private room and this we we were both very we're very polite and um sure and then she said uh you guys should make out and and so we start making out to to please you made out with who my my friend oh the stripper said to you for you and your friend to make out yeah she's like why don't you guys make out you're you seem like you should and uh my friend you guys are really like we just wanted to please her and do what she wanted so we end up making out for the like five minutes and get and she's going more and more do more and wow were you actually attracted to your friend you know yeah well no but we had a very good kissing

chemistry but then at the end of the day and all of a sudden the stripper is throwing money at y'all no that's what felt weird was paying paying her at the end of being like what did we just did we just pay yeah you did all the work we just paid to make a weird night out i know that is a weird night like fortune if you and i were ended up at a strip club and the strippers like you two make out yeah we're like okay we're like what what if we had really good kissing chemistry fortune yeah oh wow what if we did nothing else but just really good kissing chemistry fortune yeah oh wow what if we did nothing else but just really good kissing chemistry but yeah what would jacks do if you came home and you said tig and i went to the strip club and the stripper insisted that we kiss and so we did what and you can't say no you can't say no to a stripper what would jack i think she would just be like shocked like what because none of it would make

sense would she then kind of turn on me and not trust me around you or um she probably wouldn't love it stephanie would be like i feel like she'd be delighted she'd be like what the baffled and so amused yeah that never it would never come up again we're both like she said we had you yeah what

you've always wanted her I know it oh yeah I I that was in Toronto that was in London

in London that one yeah and my friend his name is Bertram Alfred Peake it's such a british have you heard a more british name could you say that with an accent like could debbie say that but trim alfred

take oh that's all he's like a harry potter character he is like a harry potter character guys i'm not kidding he's the heir to a biscuit fortune this is my dream yeah unfortunately biscuits are cookies over there i will i want to be a heir to a american biscuit company bourbon biscuits his family invented bourbon biscuits or something what's that oh he's really nice is that really an invention or is it just a recipe i guess it's a recipe that's a good point they patented bourbon biscuits but then also there's bourbon in the bit in the cookies no sounds like it no oh no bourbon just happens to be in the name yeah you know what my mother used to make beer biscuits what's that i guess biscuits with beer and she was

a partier so uh she really was so i just drink it when you can also eat it. Yeah, I forgot about beer. I don't like the taste of beer. Well, don't have her biscuits. Okay, I won't. All right. I got to finish my final thing about Bertram Alfred Peake. Okay, please. You promised this better be the final thing.

I swear. I swear. Seriously, Maeve. We're learning more about him than we care to. This is enough Maeve facts about bird bertram bertram allard's biscuit bertram allard biscuit uh bertram alfred peak who is uh his family invented bourbon biscuits and he lives on frying pan alley that's his address he's no yes does he want that information out there oh probably not but he he is like a Harry Potter character.

Oh, no. All of our listeners are going to head right over to Frying Pan Alley. I hope they do. And just like Bertram. Oh, my God. He would love it. Bertram. And he's like, May, how dare you?

Oh, golly. Oh, golly. I have a lot of people coming at my door wanting these biscuits that have no bourbon in them. A lot of handsome women yelling up to my window. Some are women, some are men, some I don't know. They don't even know. Chiseled jaws. Lots of chiseled jaws.

Bonnets. I find myself attracted to all of them oh Bertram with all this sexy talk I do want us to go ahead and get to our question because I feel like there's going to be a lot to say and more kissing stories might

unfold we don't know. But our question today is from someone who's very handsome, very awesome, Gabrielle Union. She's an actress and an activist whose credits include Bring It On, 10 Things I Hate About You, Bad Boys 2, and most recently The Perfect Fine, which you can watch on Netflix and the TV series Truth Be Told on Apple TV. Now, I saw Gabrielle at a comedy show and never had met her before.

She's so cool. And I was like, you gotta give us a handsome question. Good for you for getting in there. So there's a little bit of noise in the background. That's all right. It's a pretty great question. Let's hear it. What up, handsome?

All right. Who was your childhood crush? And would you smash today the way they look today? Whatever has happened to them, would you still smash just on GP? So wait, what is GPp that's a good question just on gp on gp we are so lame we're all thomas is googling it gabriel's so cool and we're like we're gonna have to google that smash does that mean bone smash means yeah boning fortune fortune guys let's see on general principle i think general principle okay on general principle would you smash today yeah it must be general principle so this basically can be anyone it could be someone

in your life yeah it could be a celebrity that you watched yeah um it could be whatever made you tingle or tinkle whatever made you tinkle that happened too mine was definitely not a boy i touched one wiener i think we talked about yeah we don't want to hear about that and i don't want to go to go. I don't. That wasn't a crush. I was more just like, I guess. Yeah. We're here.

I had lots of like little crushes on different friends that I didn't know at the time were crushes. Right. such a good friend that i cared about them so much that i wanted their well-being um you know to be yeah life to be grand for them and if they talk to any boys i hated that guy yeah because i'm such a good friend yeah that that guy is not good enough for them and if they were like slightly off with you you were devastated and like yeah yeah if you didn't hear from them yeah i was very you know that closeted like intense thing where you're just like too wrapped up and in whatever that person says or does that it affects you to like the too much um i had several of those friendships are so intense at that age though like that's yeah leave it we were leaving notes for each other some of us yeah i talk about stand up i

my form of intimacy with these folks is i would put lotion on their own oh my god it puts the lotion on its skin it sounds very creepy but i would that would just be how I would, on the inside, I was like, oh my God, this is the greatest feeling ever. But again, didn't know I was gay, didn't know, it just didn't process to me what that was. Didn't even know that their arms weren't dry. I didn't know that. But some of those people today I know and are friends with, I don't think about them in

that way whatsoever okay so you would not just getting that out there pals everyone can relax yeah everyone keep your panties on for fortune's coming back in town but everyone relax everyone put your keep your lotion in your bathroom if you do if fortune shows up with lotion then then uh you can be alarmed but fortune would not smash on general principle that's right and so fortune you didn't have any there were no boys that you had crushes on um there was this one boy i thought was so cute his name was taylor and he was just the sweetest guy he was was on my soccer team. I would say if I had a crush on a boy, I probably had a crush on him the most. I just thought he was just the coolest. But he was quiet, sweet, and just a good guy.

Yeah. I think at soccer, I probably looked at him very longingly. Looked at his little soccer shorts. His shin pads. Yeah, so he would have been the one guy that I was like pretty head over heels about him. And did you get a vibe from him? No, we were always just friends. Actually, we went to the prom together, but I asked him.

You went to senior prom together? Yeah, and he probably was like oh god i get it he was he was so sweet he probably didn't have the heart to say no you don't know that i think i trapped him no you don't know i think i trapped him into going to prom with me i just realized did you have lotion at prom no but it was so platonic we and he was great and an awesome date and so such a gentleman there was no smooching or nothing yeah but i liked i liked him a lot i would like just was a walking erection from the time i came out of the womb basically i was like i was a crush personified like my still like my driving force in life i mean not now but like was was crushing was impressing certain people and

there was always one or two that really dominated my thoughts and my you know and oh man i thought of two one is uh my brother had a friend called Sam who was just I like people who are just like cheeky and have like a twinkle and and have a zest for life and this kid was just kind of he was always getting his scrapes he was like he was always falling off his skateboard and stuff and my brother tells the story that one time Sam was having a sleepover at our house and maybe i was like 10 and uh my brother found me watching sam sleep i was just standing and i was gazing at him just being like he is beautiful i vaguely remember just standing in the darkness with my heart pounding how creepy is that just watching his beautiful face anyways your lotion ready get the lotion. Put the lotion in the basket.

And then the others are, I mean, the one that I talk a lot about in standup is my camp counselor, Katie Anderson, who was, you know, I mean, I was beyond obsessed with her, but I didn't know why. I didn't. Yeah. I just wanted, I was always trying to like pick fights with like physical fights with her just being like, Oh, put them up, put them up. Like just to get any physical contact.

Just some kind of contact. See? Lotion. Hello. I was a more pacifist. Hello, lotion. Yeah. You're slapping titties.

I'm rubbing lotion. Oh, I did have a giant crush on my seventh grade teacher oh who was a female she was like 24 or something yeah and i just was head over heels about her have you looked her up no because i don't like she left the school like a year later so i haven't seen or heard of her since i was like 13 but i just i do remember once me like do you have a boyfriend yes she was like that is none of your business and i was like cool cool cool i feel like because i know someone interested asking for a friend that's where that saying came from i was fortunate asking for a friend i think she's like what asking for a 10 year old all my 24 year old friends i really want to track her down like

taking i need to just the two of us track down this woman and then she was so pretty does this look familiar and i was just a little fatty fat kid with like greasy hair do you have a boyfriend but did she like no but uh why do you ask who's asking grease ball that was back when i yeah my hair was greasy and i put it back in a ponytail and i wore a lot of sweatsuits. I'm like an Italian mobster. Did you have just cash in your pocket? Eating a salami sandwich. Hey, you got a boyfriend?

You're just counting cash in your hands that you pull out of your sweatpants. She's like, who's asking? Hey, none of your business. I bet you were so adorable though i bet no i was so adorable from like uh up until like age seven and then then i had a real rough go at it for a while two rough decades decades i was junior high was not my time to shine physically same tig yeah let's hear about your crushes there's this guy sean in elementary school that i could not get enough of and i

remember when he came over on the weekend he didn't live in the area that i did but his mother drove him over and i remember being so embarrassed hearing my mother on the phone with his mother saying tig has been up since before the birds oh my god oh don't say that oh my god play it cool yeah yeah yeah and then when i got into uh junior high school there was this guy mark you got you got it bad you had a bad i had it real bad and you know we we've been friendly you know i was out of touch from him we we became friends we were we were good pals um but i was performing in austin when i lived in texas as a kid that's when i met him but i was um i was doing stand-up i hadn't talked to him in years

and i'm looking from the stage thinking oh my gosh that guy looks like mark i didn't know he had moved to austin or whatever and i get off stage sure enough it was mark he had seen in the paper that i was coming to town doing stand up oh was there still a spark between you yeah i think i am just so he's one of the funniest people yeah i've ever met in my life oh man and he is so he's just a delight he's's so fun. He's so cute. He's so funny. He's a musician. And he plays guitar and drums and sings. And he's a skateboarder. And, you know, oh, Mae's yawning.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, I'm so sorry. You know, we listen to your- Your straight crush is bumming Mae out. No, listen, I'm horny for Mark. Yeah, Mark, I haven't talked to him in a while but man yeah anytime i'm around him i think i've even openly talked about my undying love for him to him and um when i'm around him as an adult i still feel a little like i love this guy i love this guy so much oh my god i love him oh my god i love guy so much. Oh my god, I love him. Oh my god, I love him so

much. Yeah, that's so cute. It's funny. Like, I mean, less of people that I actually knew and had a crush on that and now still know, I guess I would not smash today. Because they're my friends now. But with celebs, like, like, Bette Midler was my big crush and Tim Curry, both in their 80s now, I think and I would still smash because... Wait, not Bette. She's not 80, right? I thought she was like maybe 70. No, she's got to be older than that.

You think so? I do. Let me Google. I do. Did you ever know... Also, I just want to make sure I'm clear. She's 78? Yeah.

Okay, Fortune thinks Bette Midler is 60. I'm almost 60. Oh, sorry. Pardon me. 78? Really? God. I just want to be real clear that neither of these people wanted to smash any part of me

yeah taylor wasn't trying to smash me but i do think i stared at this picture from when i was when we were age 5 to 12 saying i love that these are all unrequited crushes for us but that's kind of where your mind goes when you think about a crush right it's like the one yeah yeah well because as a like a closeted gay gal that didn't know she was gay i didn't realize that you know like when you're attracted to someone you're putting out the pheromones right and so if you're a closeted person in high school i'm not putting out the same things to the guys that the straight girls are right so like when i would meet a lot of the the guys we would immediately kind of high five and have that kind of rapport yeah they'd like they weren't like and you're like i'll see you at prom buddy

poor taylor you freaking trapped him to go to the prom i apologize and are you still in touch with him i haven't seen him in years, but I think he's still around in my hometown. He's married, I believe, with kids. Just the cutest. He was so cute. Let's put pictures up of our crushes on social media. I know.

I do not want to do that to him. I can't. He's so shy. Oh my God, I would not do that to Mark. He's so sweet and shy can you imagine these three guys on a handsome podcast also sam is like their eighth grade picture sam's like you you watched me sleep what yeah i sort of wish i hadn't said that but hey it's the truth and their wives now are like oh these old this old dyke fortune thought you were so cute.

And we put up a video of me with gray hair and CVS readers on. I'm like, oh, yeah. Mark. Oh, lordy. He is so funny. Celebrity-wise, Sandra Bullock did it for me back then, too. Practical magic and speed. I watched while you were sleeping wait you watched

the reverse you watched sam as well that is the reverse she was watching her crush sleeping and i'm watching her watch her crush yeah hello hello i wish in some ways I could go back to that. I don't want to go back ever. I'm so happy to be like moved on. But I wish I had been out sooner. I wish I had gotten to experience what that was like to be an out teenager because I didn't come out till I was like really learning how to date and how to be in relationships, you know, in my late 20s and early 30s when people got to experience that at like 16. Yes. And I just felt like I missed out on so much in that regard. Yeah. Like you were a bit of a rest of development when you don't get to flex that muscle.

Then you're like, yeah, learn it all at once. My wife came out at 15, which our age that was very bold to be an out 15 year old but nowadays it's not that uncommon but when we were growing up that was very uncommon and you and jacks are the same age yeah we're the same age and she um yeah she came out at 15 and just knew who she was and what she wanted and i was not that person where where did she grow up what part in michigan okay with jack she's very feminine presenting yeah so when she came out in high school people were like no right okay they were like you're trying to get attention they wouldn't accept it they're like no you're you're not gay you're you look like a girl and you're like come on and then i walk in and they're like yeah old queer

yeah old queer no actually no one ever said that to me i wish they had because i really did not know well should we hear yeah let's hear what um gabrielle's answer is yeah my childhood crush there's it's a trio i loved matt dylan in a way that was fucking unhealthy for me. I loved him from Tex to Little Darlings. And that's really where it took a turn for me. I loved him. I ran into him in Montreal. And the answer to that question is no. My other crush is Stoney Jackson from TJ Hooker and streets of fire. And I was able to run into him after we did the, the facts of life redo a couple of years back and not, I'd had that. And my other one was Christie McNichol.

I love Christie McNichol from family, from little darlings, empty nest. I, I love her. And if she gave me a fucking shot bitch it's on oh so so she went full-on celebrity crushes celebrity crushes yeah right which we should reveal now i mean i'd love the reveal of gabrielle would smash it with christy mcnichols i know i know what a what a reveal vava boom what a podcast

what a reveal well mine was sandra bullock i revealed mine yeah i had too many to even begin but tim curry and bet middler were my big ones what about you john travolta yes i think i knew this about yeah yeah yeah john don't you laugh at me i'm talking john travolta in Yes. I think I knew this about, yeah, yeah. Yeah. John, don't you laugh at me. I'm talking John Travolta in Greece. I'm talking John Travolta in Welcome Back, Cotter. True. I'm talking. Those hits.

Oh, yeah. He had that scene with Jamie Lee Curtis, another handsome pod guest. Yeah, alumni, where he gyrated his wiener fortune in the aerobics class jazzercise class and she was all doing it too and they were like is that what did it for you what if i was like john travolta from Look Who's Talking To? Yeah, no, I was nuts about John Travolta. If you hung out with him now, do you think you would see young John in him? I don't see a trace of young John in him now.

He is very different. He looks so different. It's wild. But he was like the movie star of the day. He was in everything. You know what? I'm sorry. The movie that to this day, I'm like, ladies, I'll fight you for him.

Urban Cowboy. Never seen it. That is. I don't think I've seen it either. You spend the evening tonight watching Urban Cowboy. It's John Travolta. Chardonnay. It is john travolta chardonnay it is john travolta and deborah winger and if i can have a braggadocious moment yes deborah winger is hands down one of my top favorite actresses of all time and i've become friends with her. Whoa. Mm-hmm.

But Deborah and John in Urban Cowboy, nothing hotter. They're both so awesome and hot and talented. That movie is so good. Really? Okay, I'd never even heard of it. That's crazy. Please watch it. Okay, I'm going to watch it. I found Tom Cruise in days of thunder to be very

sexy well thank you i once hooked up with an irish man and uh i said we were talking about tom cruise for some reason and i said what's your favorite tom cruise movie and he said days of tundra and i really days of i loved how he said days of tundra tundra from down under i did like i liked seeing him and nicole Kidman getting sexy in that movie. Yeah. She was the curly-haired physician that was like, you better be careful out there. This is bad for you.

And he's like, ah, racism is my life. Was he a pirate? Ah, racism is my life. No, but I realized that I did. I think the Irish was still kind of sticking with me. Oh, that's what it is, Irish. There's a tundra. There's a tundra. Not only do I race cars, but I'm also a pirate.

I'm an Irish pirate. But he was old, and the cop pulled up over the big truck that had all the guys on it. And she was like, you're under arrest, mister, for something. Oh, we're still in the plot of Fortune. Yeah, nobody asked, Fortune. Oh, this is Days of Thunder, guys. This is a pretty important movie to my childhood. Can you do the whole movie?

It turns out she was a stripper and like grabbed his junk and um fortune i'm just it's part of the movie and don't say junk that was pretty sexy too and then she said to the cop and tom cruise can you guys just make out money flying everywhere yeah days of thunder really did it for me thunder Thunder. Well, what an episode, really. What an episode. A true pledge as always. Yes. People like to ask us who we have the hots for.

They do. Yeah, they do. Wouldn't it be so fun to find out who had the hots for you that you never knew about? Oh my God. Yes. I would love that. Circling your, just they're in your orbit. I imagine you two had a lot.

You as well, Fortune. Everybody wanted to be my best friend. I don't think I had a lot of unrequited love. Okay, even now. What if now there's a fan who's like, yeah, Mae was my childhood crush, but I wouldn't smash now. Look what happened to them. That would be sad. If we were your crushes let us know yeah

please let us know we need constant validation and adoration that's i have not left a trail of broken hearts along my path just so you know well let us know who your childhood crush was on on social media please yeah even if it's a childhood crush tell us something specific about it yeah or if it's you know john travolta or deborah winger yeah i don't have much coming up in january except uh largo january 16th please come in Los Angeles. What do you guys have? At the end of the month, I'm in Burlington, Vermont, Washington, D.C., and Red Bank, New Jersey.

I'd really love for our European listeners to come to my shows in London and Amsterdam the end of January. I'm going to send Bertram Alfred Peake. Please. Tell him to come to Union Chapel. And then some big cities coming up. Denver, Colorado, Philly, Milwaukee, Madison, LA,

and New York and Toronto. Nice. Fortunefeimster.com for tickets. Well, I will be in College Park, Maryland, January 26. And then I'm just gonna pop on over to Peekskill, New York on March 8th. I'll be in Waterville, Maine March 9th, but I believe that is sold out at this point. And always Los Angeles at Largo or Dynasty Typewriter just popping around working on new material and also uh a quick thank you to everyone who tuned into our live stream i don't think we ever got a chance to say that um but what a blast what an off the hook blast that was it definitely makes us want to do more of more of that doing these fun shows and and connecting with people all over in a different way. Yes.

So thank you guys for being a part of that special night. Don't forget to treat yourself to handsome merch. Where can they find that, Mae? HandsomePod.com, my favorite website. HandsomePod.com. HandsomePod.com. Hands handsomepod.com handsomepod.com handsome

and if Bette Midler were here she would say did you ever know that you're my hero oh man I love her oh beaches the movie beaches you talk about wanting two ladies to kiss

that's what I wanted I don't remember the movie beaches you talk about wanting two ladies to kiss that's what i wanted i don't remember the movie oh i feel like somebody was sick on a beach or something they that's about barbara hershey yeah and i sobbed like a baby well they were because i was like i love movies about female friendship and they were just that and fried green tomatoes i wanted them to kiss as well well anyway anyway for another time we can also write sequels yeah someone should ask me about movies where i wanted to people to kiss and i have a lot i have a big list yeah Thomas put that on the list put that on the list well in closing all that remains

is uh yeah thank you guys for listening and we hope that you will keep handsome

handsome is hosted by me Fortune Feimster Tig Notaro and Mae Martin the show is produced recorded and edited by Thomas Woulet.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!