Handsome - Jameela Jamil asks about being an accomplice

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

This week on Handsome, Jameela Jamil ("The Good Place", "I Weigh With Jameela Jamil") asks Handsome a criminally macabre question... that also touches on the lovely theme of friendship!WE HAVE MERCH! handsomepod.comHandsome Live Streaming Show Dec 18! Tickets: dynastytypewriter.comHandsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail]'t forget to rate & review Handsome wherever you get your podcasts!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Handsome. I am, of course, Mae Martin, and I'm, of course, joined by my most handsome colleagues, Fortune... Oh, you say your own name, right? I'm, of course, Fortune Feimster. And I am questionably Tig Notaro. Hello. Hello. Welcome to Handsome.

Yes, welcome back. Oh, and welcome to any new listeners to the Handsome Pod. Yes, I think there are quite a few. I know. Thanks for finding us us i haven't seen you guys in so long i have a lot of questions oh yeah you missed us so much oh we missed you i for sure for sure look forward to doing this every single time that we do it feels like a warm handsome hug i'm excited that we're doing well can we talk about

our live show oh yes yeah oh yeah let's get that out there start big man big yeah i the people wanted this yeah they asked we answered when is it what day what are we giving them may oh i don't know i don't have any of the details, but I know it's happening. We're doing a live show at Dynasty Typewriter. Yeah, and it will stream all around the world so you can buy tickets for the show, even if you're not in Los Angeles and watch us live and in person. I'm going to wear a suit. I am too.

Then I guess I will too. It's going to be December 18th. We're going to be ringing in the holidays with this lovely live show. We've never done a live show before. The. But it's going to be really fun. Yes. I can't wait. I think we should plan something weird.

Like, oh, it's a sort of holiday show. We should get like a full children's choir. And a reindeer. and a live reindeer you imagine i was trying to wrangle 50 children come on you guys guys suck her down let's go come on follow the reindeer follow the reindeer and then there's just some kid looking at me going is that a man or a woman and i'm like okay and then turning to us as well is that a man or a woman and wait is that wait is that a man or a woman and then they get to thomas mustache still is that a man or a woman it takes us two hours to explain to them that gender's a spectrum and then the show's over. And they're all crying.

What a show. And then we ride off on the reindeer. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Because the reindeer we got is low rent and it can't fly. So we just slowly trot off. Let's face it, it's a dog we glued antlers on. Yeah.

Well, if you're interested in either A, coming to this show in person on december 18th at dynasty typewriter or if you want to live stream it you can go to dynastytypewriter.com for tickets wow nicely done also since we're mentioning exciting things another another another thing that our listeners demanded and we have delivered we now have merchandise why not right we have merchandise yeah that's pretty exciting but i don't know how they get it fortune to you i'll tell you how they get it wait why don't we morning announcement how they get it okay hi everybody this is your morning announcements we are very excited to announce that the handsome pod has our very first uh thing of merch coming out we're gonna have a

shirt and we're gonna have a hat we're gonna have um a tote everybody loves a tote you get a lot of things you want to put in there and you can put your hat and your shirt in the tote. You can tote it around. And then we're also going to have some stickers. And you can go to handsomepod.com Is that what it is? Yes, it is. Everybody loves a tote.

Go to handsomepod.com to look into that merch and get some of yours because guess what? You're going to want it because you're going to be real handsome if you wear it. That's right. Get it for your conservative grandparents for Christmas and don't explain it. Just have the three of us, our

faces on a t-shirt that grandma's wearing. Ooh, I have a new merchandise idea. What is it? All of our faces on a tote. Yeah. And it says are they boys or girls and it's just like a conversation starter at the grocery store even just a t-shirt that says are you a boy or a girl that would be oh good times i like that i was with stephanie shopping for a suit actually for her sister's

wedding yesterday okay the majority of my life i am met with hello sir how can i help you sir yesterday when i was a little lady i was called something i have never been called and I've never heard anyone called. This woman said to me, Hey there, lady girl. No. Lady girl. No way. Yeah, she worked at the department store and said,

Hey there, lady girl, can I help you? And I was stunned. Did you feel a shift in your energy? Were you like, well, hello? I truly did not think she was talking to me. I was like, there's no possible way somebody is going to call me lady girl. She thought you were a pretty little lady. A pretty little lady girl.

I feel like that reeks of like, it's coming from a place of panic it's like she for sure i need to come out strong with something and i'm going i'm doubling down on this lady girl yes i this is i i feel like it was i don't i didn't know what was walking up to me and then i realized in the last second that maybe you were female. So I just went with all description. Lady girl. Hey there, lady girl, female. Lady girl, woman, female. Hey there, lady girl.

Hey there, lady girl. Oh my gosh. Yes, I'm pretty little lady girl. Pretty little lady girl. Wow. Yeah. Tig, you've been all over Europe. And then you did your special.

Yeah. I mean, there's too much. I was gone for six weeks and one day. And I have to say, when I got home and I got out of the car, my sons and my father-in-law came out. Stephanie was inside doing some Stephanie stuff. And Finn, they both hugged me. Finn held on to me for at least one minute.

And I am not exaggerating. I was just bent over while he was hugging me on the sidewalk. And he did not let go. And it was the most life-ming, family affirming feeling. Yeah. It was incredible. That's so cute. If you do this more often, mommy's going to keep leaving because I like this hug.

I met Max and Finn while you were away. I heard at the Halloween party. At the Halloween party. At the Halloween party. And let me say, those two are so cute. And so I don't know which of them was dressed like a football player. That would be Finn. That would be Finn. And he was so cute because there was this older kid there

also dressed like a football player. And he just kept going and standing near him. Just like kind of standing at his elbow. Just kind of well here we are uh me too look down here buddy yeah look down here by your elbow you'll see me were all the kids having a good halloween yeah i was really i was really into it it was my first like true kid halloween there was a like a blow-up maze where once it got dark and then and then they were kind of packing up like the party was ending but there were definitely still kids hiding in the maze and like yeah no their parents couldn't find them and

it was yeah it was fun yeah yeah that was i think i mentioned previously that was my first halloween to miss with max and finn and i did take a picture of finn's ankles on the way to school today where he still has his halloween socks on i'm telling you it is year round with these two so good i love it had you done shows in europe for that long before no in fact i had before i went to europe i went i had some a a run in Colorado of shows. Then I did this cancer charity event in Texas. Then I went to Europe. Then I came back. I did some shows in the Midwest and then the East Coast just to kind of get myself completely as ready as possible for my special in Brooklyn. How did it go? It was really fun. It was a good time, and it was, oh, lordy.

Just I was thrilled to be finished with that. Oh, really? Well, because I was originally supposed to tape my special in June, and then I moved it to November out of solidarity for the strike. Uh-huh. So we had to pack in all these extra shows, practice day to get me still ready to go. And it was a long haul to go from June to November, to add all of those extra shows and keep it fresh. And yeah, yeah yeah i felt like i showed up ready to go and so i'm i'm excited

stephanie is the director and we get the first cut in i don't know like four days so oh wow i saw the romantic flowers you sent to stephanie in preparation for filming and you said don't screw this up that's correct so far so good don't screw this up nice she's i had it delivered to the green room at the theater and she saw them arrive and i was still at our hotel getting ready and she was like oh that's so nice somebody's gonna take flowers and then she said she sat there and like 40 minutes go by and she was and she thought those look a lot like the type of flowers tig sends me and and she just went over and looked and it was in fact from me to her so that's funny yeah you have a go-to flower order? Well, she does love white roses.

A classic, classic. White roses is the little card that says, okay, Dyke. Yeah. On our anniversary a couple of years ago, I sent her flowers with the card that said something like, here's to eight miserable years or something. I don't know. Wait, I was very thrilled because when you were in London,

you needed a haircut and you were texting me for recommendations and the woman who cuts my hair is such an icon in my life, but she was way on the other side of the city from you, I think. Oh, it took me like an hour by Uber to get to her. Oh, no.

It was more, I paid more for the Uber than the haircut. she's she's super cheap and she's incredible she loved her i love debbie and she was a real lifeline for me in the pandemic like i would i would go to her garden and she would cut my hair and she'd go hello may how are you hello my yeah she's such a character she like she always says that she trained with Vidal Sassoon, but she'll whisper the name Vidal Sassoon. She'll go, well, you know, I trained with Vidal Sassoon. If you say his name too many times, he appears.

Exactly, yeah. How is she? She is so great. I loved her immediately. And I was also horrified because she also couldn't believe you didn't tell me this, that she only takes cash. And so I show up, I get my hair cut and I pick out some hair product and I'm standing at the counter. She's like, oh, I only take cash. May didn't tell you this and i was like no and how

horrifying because i only had credit cards and so i gave her i had off not an exchange but i just said here is uh you know if you want here's my here's my swatch no i i offered her tickets to my show in London. And so she wanted those. And I said, and then come backstage and I'll have cash for you. And so I had the tour manager go get cash because I just didn't even know where. And so she went out and found the cash. And then Debbie came backstage and then refused to take my cash. Oh, Debbie. Yeah. She's the best.

Debbie. I think she kind of saw me as like a little orphan child. Are you not? Weirdly, no. She'd always go. She was shocked to find out I'd never been to a Costco. Have you not been Costco? And I go, no, I've never been.

And she'd always say, when I get my car cleaned, I'm going to costco and i guess she never got her never got her car cleaned i guess because we never went but i didn't know there was costco in london yeah they're in canada as well yeah all over the commonwealth i love that may didn't tell you that uh she only takes cash, but May did tell you about the history of haircuts and where it originated. Well, I did. I not did, but I love Debbie. I just really enjoyed her. And after she cut my hair, she hugged me and said, I feel like I've known you my whole life. I know.

There's something about her. I gave her a hug when i was leaving uh england and we both burst into tears oh i was like i was not expecting it she's a good hugger and she used to make me laugh because i'd go in and she'd go hello alex and then she'd be cutting my hair in like 20 minutes would go by and she'd go did i just call you alex about 20 minutes ago and I go, yeah, yeah. And she goes, ah, you look like my nephew. Hello, Alex. How old is she? I'm trying to picture Debbie.

91? 50 maybe? Benjamin Buttons? Yeah, 45, 50. We've been talking about it on the podcast. I've been treading water lately. Just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support

whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now, I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic, and it's great. My skin feels better. I feel better. It's just good. So trust your gut with Seed's DS01 Daily Symbiotic. Go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seed's DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome, code 25handsome. I love the show hacks and it is back, baby, for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Deborah Vance is up to this season.

She is such a treat to watch. Because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now, season two left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what? It's on Max. You can catch up, and I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the emmy winning

comedy series so check out that podcast but watch hacks streaming exclusively on max and listen to the official hacks podcast on max or wherever you get your podcast oh i did not picture that i was picturing like a 65 year old with that voice oh voice. No, she's Debbie Sprightly. You've never been to Costco. I mean, that's kind of, you know, doesn't sound like a 45-year-old. Ain't you been to Costco? Have you ever been to Costco, Willow?

Someone's going to get that Willow reference. Where do you get your porridge? You never saw the movie willow i did but i did not get that it's that old woman that turns into a goat turns into a goat doesn't she turn into a goat we need to watch it's cursed and turns into a goat am i someone turns into a goat guys all i remember is watching that while my parents were at a new year's eve party and all the kids were in the basement we watched willow and this guy rafael had stolen vodka so you saw it and you don't recall a goat i don't recall a woman turning into a goat going well you were drinking vodka i could be wrong this could be wrong. This could be a May fact. I swore that she, cause she was old and she started to sound like a goat.

Oh, fortune. But she still kind of sounded like an old woman. But also that sounds like a goat. We don't really have to get to the bottom of the matter. Dig. There are some Willow stans out there. I honestly, when you said Willowow i was thinking of willow um smith oh oh i was thinking of the song by john arma trading yeah we all split off in separate directions i'm glad we've gotten on the same page yeah how talented is willow by the way

which one the goat or the song or or will smith's daughter she's a guitar player and singer and she sings yeah she's really talented it's so funny the people that you know and the people you don't know i know that is a random that's a random person for you tig it's so random i would not typically know but somebody told me she was just a really really good guitar player and i was so interested to see that because i play a little bit of guitar and drums right and and a little bit of drums and so i i went and checked out her page on instagram and then i started following her and I'm always pleasantly surprised whenever she pops up and is like you know ripping on her guitar yeah she's your number one fan over

there I don't know anything she sings well she whipped her hair around that I whipped my hair back and forth yeah I've been playing a lot of guitar with well i don't know if you can see i'm in a a bedroom so i i've sort of half moved in with the old gf and this and this five-year-old so i'm doing a lot of like playing the guitar and the three of us the other night started a band and and so the five-year-old was improvising the lyrics and it was a really deep song it was called where does the river end oh that is deep it was a really deep song. It was called Where Does the River End? Oh, that is deep. It was really deep, and she really directs, and then you sing this, and you sing this.

Yeah, Where Does the River End? We never found out. Well, you know, Max wrote a song when the family was watching the Super Bowl, and my family gets very into sports and cheering and what have you and max plays sports but he's not as into watching them whereas finn plays sports and he loves watching him so in the middle of the super bowl max says um i just wrote a song and i was wondering if i could sing it the super bowl gets paused oh the super bowl gets paused that's a big deal in your house it is

and then the song starts and he's like we don't know how the world works no we don't know how we were born we don't know if we were born we and it just it's like this monotone intense song of like where did i come from um so wow like leonard cohen style deep yeah i want like a real no we got here yeah i want to take his at the actual audio of him singing oh and everybody clapped and cheered and then he sat back down and then the super bowl went back on and that was that but it couldn't wait you gotta remix that song he's gonna be doing a one man show one day and be like there was a pivotal moment in my childhood where i expressed all of my feelings he's doing a one-man show every day it is insane stephanie was asking him the other day if he was interested in dancing like fred astaire like putting on a suit and a top hat. And he was like,

ballroom? Not really. But I do like how they dance on Charlie Brown. And then he just started dancing around like, you know how the kids dance at the party? Who cares? Look it up. But I want to take his original audio and have a really talented musician put music to it and make it an actual song can you can you send it to me can i try yes okay i would love to try this yeah that does seem like something you would write may what about like a deep meaningful song how did i get here yeah i'm really honored by that like you're really you're really thinking about these big life things with a doll house behind you yeah on this zoom yes i am thinking a lot these days you're a deep thinker right i mean it's i'm just desperately trying to hold on to like positive things at this moment in time and i was in the uber the other day

with this uber the other day with this uber driver who was i mean we were both just being like the world's fucked and getting really heavy and talking about everything and um and then at the end of the drive he goes do you want a cookie and i went yeah what do you mean and he pulls out this paper bag with this like giant cookie from a really fancy bakery and he was like i just drove all the way to large money get that but i want to give it to you and i was like no i couldn't possibly accept and he was like no this is what we should do like we can't control anything that's so nice i know yeah but he kept saying like well there's nothing you can do and i was like well

you could you can vote and like do stuff some But anyway, then he gave me this delicious cookie. And I did think, that's the good stuff in life, you know? That is the good stuff. And was the cookie good? Oh, my God. I imagine it's that Levin. Yes. How do you know that?

They're just ginormous cookies. Oh. And once it went in on Larchmont, there was just an obnoxiously long line for like a week. But oh man, it was like molasses almost and raisins and oats and honey. But more importantly, how's it going moving in with GF and kid? Five-year-old. Oh man, I'm loving it. I'm like, it's a whole other side of me has been unlocked.

Friday night pizza. It's like a sleepover right yes at 5 a.m i'm up i'm drawing pictures i'm singing songs i'm off my phone i'm just having a blast it's so ridiculously cute so nothing's changed yeah yeah so pretty much business as usual the party palace in silver lake's empty right now the party palace is still there and uh yeah dude gotta keep your party palace i got one too don't get rid of that party palace don't get rid of your party palace well should we get into our uh question let's do it. Yes, I'm excited.

Our question is from Jamila Jamil, who we all know. Have you got? I've met. Yeah, she's great. I've met Jamila. Yes, I know she was at your birthday party, I think. Yeah, she came and partied with her dog. Yeah.

Jamila is the best. She's an actress, an activist, a podcast host. Of course, you know her as Tahani from The Good Place. And her podcast, I Weigh, is so good. Also, I've known Jamila since London, like maybe, maybe like 15 years now or something. I've known. That's where y'all met? Yeah. She also has another podcast, Bad Dates. Oh, yes, which is huge. I've done that one. Yeah. Yeah. But no, she's a very hilarious human being. Let's see what she asked. Okay.

Hello, handsome pod. It's Jamida Jamil. And my question for you is genuinely, genuinely, would you ever like genuinely help a friend dispose of a body of someone that they had killed either accidentally or on purpose and if so how close would that friend have to be what are your stipulations that's my question oh my god i love listening to jamila's voice i'm like i would help her move the body she sounds like a spy she sounds like a like a cool spy i'm'm like, yeah, let's do it. She does actually, yeah, sound like 00 Jamila. Yeah, like we got to do this.

Someone like that, yeah, you're like, absolutely. Dispose of a body. I know. Oh, God. I mean, it feels like you should just immediately say no, but I'm thinking about it and I'm thinking, of course, there are situations where I might. Is that fucked up? Let's hear the hear the situation yeah let's hear it in what in what world you know

like yeah we gotta do this i think i'm your guy to come to if oh okay she said if it could be accidental yeah look i don't know that the prison system reforms people or is rehabilitative in any way or is good for the world. So let's say a young person, let's say a teenager or something, comes to me and says, I was making eggs. I whacked my grandma. But like any teenager? Just any teenager? I don't know.

Just like a young person who accidentally. Okay. You've already cracked this door. So walk us through. Yeah, yeah. Walk us through. You're making eggs. You whack your grandmother in the head with a spatula.

Maybe like a frying pan or like if it's a true accident. That doesn't feel like an accident. Also. If it's a frying pan. Honestly. Never, ever, ever, no matter what i'm cooking raised a frying pan um in a way that what if you're flipping a pancake and you just go too hard my grandma walked into that front van her bad okay she's dead when she walks into that frying pan. Her bad.

Okay. She's dead. When she walks into the frying pan, does it become like a cartoon where the frying pan completely flattens out her face in the exact circle of a frying pan? Yes. And the police are taking notes going, okay, okay, uh-huh. So Nana walks in. You're flipping a pancake.

I think I would... I mean, I'm having second thoughts now about helping a stranger. No, it's too late. Well, yeah, it is weird that you wanted to help just any teenager. Well, I feel like any teenager represents you as a child. That you, at times, needed help as a teenager, and you maybe made some mistakes you didn't mean to do it and you need you needed help that's my interpretation whoa yeah that may

what do you think i think that's really that's probably it yeah i'm like i stunned you i saw your face you looked stunned i went speechless yeah because yeah i just hate the idea of someone spending the rest of their life in jail because of an accident. However, look, now I'm thinking about the family of the deceased and I wouldn't bury the person though. I'm going dissolve in acid or something, I think. We just went to a different type of disposal. Well, I don't want to get caught. Well, here's the thing. Well, you're gonna. If it is truly an accident, you just call the police and be like, grandma walked into a frying pan.

You're right. You're right. So there's something shady going on. Remember that Christmas song, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer? No. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Okay, Grandma Walked Into a a frying pan is the new song yeah maybe that song didn't reach canada but it was an unusually big hit really in the states grandma

got run over by a reindeer going home from our house christmas eve you might say it you might think what is it you might say it something but me and grandpa we believe there's something we're missing no no we nailed it

we didn't miss a thing there's nothing missing what do you mean maybe uproarious applause so if I came to you guys and I said I fucked up

I killed someone. I killed Nana with a frying pan. I'd say Mae I hope they have podcast equipment in prison. I am a puss. I cannot be helping someone dispose of a body I would not be able to sleep

Especially a stranger Excuse me I don't know why I went to stranger first We figured out why you did Yeah you're right My go to might be Maybe call Thomas Thomas is pretty handy

You're burdening Thomas with this Immediately If you accidentally killed someone You might be, maybe call Thomas. Oh, yeah. Thomas is pretty handy. You're burdening Thomas with this immediately. So you mean if you accidentally killed someone, you'd call Thomas right away? Well, no. If you reach out to me asking me to hide a body with you, I'd be like, ah, I can't do that. Maybe call Thomas, see what he says.

But it is a bummer when somebody brings a person into it that has nothing to do with it because then you're an accessory to murder. That's a real bummer. For instance, Jack Kerouac helped Lucien Carr dispose of the knife that he stabbed David Kammerer with. May fact. May fact. May fact. May fact. May fact. May fact.

Yeah. May fact. We need to get an actual song or noise. This is a real thing? Oh man, don't get me started on this. Lucian Carr, David Kammerer murder. It's fascinating, the shades of it. But yeah, Lucian Carr was this kind of wild, young beat poet. started on this lucien carr david cameron murder it's fascinating the shades of it but yeah lucien

carr was this kind of wild young beat poet and uh there was this older guy david cameron who would kind of hang around he was like he was sort of stalking lucien carr but there were it was like real quick though let's really stay focused on the fact that may has a doll house in the background while talking about this go on may, Mae. I'm not in my own room, I should assert again. This is a child. This is not where I normally speak of murders. Okay, continue. So Lucien Carr one morning shows up at Jack Kerouac's house

and says, last night, David tried to hook up with me and we were walking by the river and I stabbed him with my Boy Scout knife and I weighted with me and we were walking by the river and i stabbed him with my boy scout knife and i weighted his body down and put it in the river and jack kerouac helps him dispose of the knife and then they go to watch a movie and then jack says you gotta turn yourself in but he ended up um and william s burroughs i think they they were both accessories to murder but because lucien carr was like oh he was gay and he tried to hook up with me He like didn't spend any time in prison really

No one got in trouble? No but it's a very interesting story I never heard that You've never heard of gay people being Treated terribly? No I've never heard of that I'm unaware of this Everything's been a walk in the park

What was that accent? I don't know I'm unaware of this. Everything's been a walk in the park. What was that accent? I don't know. It's been a walk in the park. It's been a walk in the park. That sounds like the voice in the song Thriller. Oh, yeah. What is it?

The graveyard. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Mayor, are you a crime person? Do you like to learn about murders and stuff? Yeah, I'm a true crime person. Great question, Fortune. Thank you. Thanks for asking. Yeah, great question.

Yeah. And then I wonder, does all this obsession with true crime, does that make people get away with more murder? Because you know how to do it. Like I know. Like they learn things. Yeah, I know about the acid don't i don't you feel like most people these days are getting caught or is that a myth yeah i hope so i mean it was my understanding that most crimes like that you get away with really i mean that's a tick for you but i mean i don't know i i haven't learned much about acid crimes or other crimes.

The tick fact is like, I'm just saying something and we're not sure. Hey, I always say to Stephanie, I'm like, look, I'm very unreliable. I don't know what I'm talking about. But that's what I think. Or maybe I heard. But I'm likely wrong. It just feels like a cell phone's always pinging your location, right? And they're like, well, we know that you were near.

You don't bring your phone. You do not bring your phone. Here is something I just got completely in touch with. No offense, Fortune. I hate the word pinging. When somebody says, hey, ping me, or I pinged you. I'm like, what? That is not what I expected you to say what were you expecting

i don't know that i've i don't think about the word ping ever i don't either until somebody says it and then i'm like oh i hate that word i'm just picturing i'm picturing you watching a gruesome crime documentary just describing like the most horrific murder and you're not even batting an eyelid and then they go and the cell phone tower pinged and you're like oh oh god but that that is the word yeah that is the word i know it's the word but i hate the word you also hate panties maybe you don't like p words yeah panties ping me in the pant word ping unless it is involved a cell phone tower and usually that's involved with murder okay but when somebody says to you hey ping me or i'll ping them later i don't say no one's saying that to me but you've

not heard somebody say that yeah i guess i've heard no not in that context okay well they say text me that's i guess that's all i'm asking just use the actual word call me text me don't say i'll ping you later i don't like when people say give me a bell i've never heard that i don't hear i've never heard that you know give me a bell later it's like uh your holly bobs word is in question so a couple people wrote on our handsome instagram page this no one uses holly bobs oh there was a lot of uproar also about my fact about the the aardvark or something or the uh armadillo i don't. I don't know. I got the Alf thing. You ignore it and you just keep giving the facts.

Giving those facts. Yeah, Mayfact is a Mayfact and it is taken as is. Ooh, this segment should be called Just the Facts, Mame. Sorry? What's Mame? As like ma'am but you know when that when a police officer says just the facts

ma'am no i did not i've never heard that either oh boy we are not connecting nobody's heard of anything that the other person has said i know it started with willow and it went downhill from there i blame myself ping give me a bell and just the fax name but that's all right part of being handsome is bringing our minds together and learning from each other yeah that's one of the 10 handsome rules and we have to come up with the other nine yeah the number 10 is bring our minds together bring your mind if our listeners could just write in and tell us what the other nine handsome commandments are we'll put it on the list well number one is must be handsome oh yes yes and then number two is whatever we just said number 10 we need two through nine what was 10 10 is 10 was what we just said bring our minds together

bring our minds together okay because we we come from different places yeah different perspectives and we bring them together that's right and learn i have a thing about a bell which is uh sorry i know we've moved on from give me a bell, but, you know. We've even moved on from Jamila's question. I know, I know. We'll get back to it, we'll get back to it. In the olden days, they used to bury people with a string attached to their finger and that connected to a bell.

So if they were accidentally buried alive, they could ding-a-ling. So maybe that's where gimme a bell comes from. I have heard that, weirdly enough. Didn't know that was where gimme a bell bell came from but this may fact is correct oh yeah and i'm just guessing about where that phrase came from so when you you're asking someone to give you a call you're basically saying hey if i'm buried alive then give me something to jiggle so uh you can dig me up i see so basically you're saying you're in a grave your entire family is above ground mourning you and you're alive

i'm gonna need you to give that bell a little jingle jangle would love to hear from you do you know where the phrase give me a break comes from? Kit Kat? Yeah! No. Give me a break. Give me a break. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. It doesn't come

from that, but it's just fun. This also means that Mae and I are now connected. Tig. Oh boy. I'm bored'm bored wait i have a question related to jamila's question which is oh would why would we go back to our question so far down the road okay i mean the question was for any friend would you help them dispose of their body that's true like for people in your like would you do it for stephanie or jacks because you want your life with that person so selfishly you're like you're or would you be like all right yeah if it's jacks i think i gotta she's the boss of me

she's the boss of all of us yeah you gotta dump that body in that hole fortune yeah if jacks is asking i don't think i can get out of this one yeah she'd be the only exception i have kids oh yeah so you guys have to have one parent around yeah they got to go to and from school and get to birthday parties on the weekends and you know i can't leave them with either of you this is true i got this room now with the the dollhouse yeah i don't know how to handle a kid i'm like you guys like salads i don't know you guys like kids eat my kids eat salads oh yeah they're pretty good yes that's why i said that oh thanks okay so you're welcome so stephanie comes up to you and says i i got so mad i killed may what what should i do yeah what do you do because i gotta get rid

of the body i would just say call alana alana yeah? Alana. Who we improvise with? May and Stephanie do improv with. Alana seems like she'd get down to business and do what needed to happen. You keep wanting to bring other people into this. Well, I got, because I got kids. I can't, I can't. I would sit down with Stephanie and be like,

you gotta, if this is an accident, people will understand, you you know i've seen you because it wasn't that i would take my babies and run i would yeah if if my if i find out my wife is purposefully killing people i would take my children and leave i don't know that i could sleep that is a good point and then if she did this accidentally i would encourage her to i would testify that she is a lunatic in the kitchen and that yeah anyone could go down with a frying pan yeah with a frying pan i think that in court like a kind of legally valid defense should be jack's told me to do it i like i would love just oh she told me to like what else could i do isn't the law that you

can't testify against your spouse or something like that is that a thing i thought i saw that a law and order ask me no i'm gonna say of course you can testify against your spouse right or no i'm saying like you don't have to. They can't force you to. Well, this is where I love to say in life, there's just no way to know. Couldn't possibly ask or Google or, I mean, if May doesn't know, how would we possibly get to the bottom of this?

I would not do this for anyone, but I feel like with Jack jack she'd probably be like you better do this and i'd be like yes ma'am you go just the facts ma'am but i really don't want to i really don't want to go to prison really what since when i just decided what do you i really don't want crazy delicate flower crazy day if we woke up learning that fortune is in prison or life for oh my god don't jinx me jinx you owe me a coke no no i would come and visit but i would i would be one of those people though that was like,

all right, let's make the most of this. In prison? And I would maybe start teaching people improv. Oh, my God. You would be teaching improv. You'd be singing. Improvisational murder scenes. I lived in Spain for a year, and I taught kids improv.

Mm-hmm. Well, technically, I was supposed to teach them English. Technically, I was supposed to teach them english but i'm not a great teacher and they could tell that i was fun and they were like we don't want to learn english what else you got and i was like i guess yes and let's do some improv zip zap zap so we were doing these fun games every week and then right before i left spain the family informed me that the five-year-old had failed english and i said oh ah oh i have to go what is zip zap zop that's like an improv game where you pass the, should we try it? It's like zip. Zap.

Zap. You pass it around. That's supposed to explain what it is? It's a warm-up game. Okay. Yeah. To kind of get everybody in sync. We should have probably done it before our podcast. It's harder on Zoom because you don't know who I'm passing it to.

You have to make eye contact and give it a. Still don't know what's happening you're in a circle so you're in a circle and i'm here right tig and i look at you in the eye and i go zip and i send you that zip and that but what is the zip okay i'm like it's a handful of zips phrase i'm sending you energy. Actually, you know what? Alana Johnston and Mo Welch and Beth Stelling have Zip Zap Zop tattoos. Wow. So that's commitment to improv.

That really is. When you get that zip tick, then you say zap to Mae. And then Mae says Zop to who? Yeah, Mae sends that Zop to whoever may wants boy who came up with that and how amazed are they that everybody is zip zap zopping now i'm shocked that that five-year-old failed english when when they were playing zip zap zop and i was like let's pretend to be tigers and uh they were like el tigre i said tiger so i was teaching england el tigre no no no tiger tiger in my defense the little boy because he was having so much fun he didn't tell me he had

homework and test every week because he was like oh it's this is playtime i don't want to deal with this homework and studying. So I had no idea he was doing this stuff. I thought they wanted me to teach him English just to get ahead. But instead, zip, zap, zap. I think that you would thrive in prison teaching zip, zap, zap. To bring it back to you in prison. I would come and visit.

And would we record the pod? yeah i would hope so i'd really want to keep this going but we would we would change the name to the clink yeah the handsome or that cheers um sound effect would be well i don't know how this ended up with me in prison but because you would thrive we realized you do, because you were immediately so positive, like, oh, I'd just start teaching. That's because it's one of those when in Rome situations. When in prison in Rome. But the food would vote me out.

Like, the one thing I look forward to in life is food. Well, maybe in Rome it would be better. I don't think I would be excited about it. Maybe the food in the Rome prison would be the delicious pasta. Ooh, go to prison and find out. Yeah. No!

Okay. Would you spend a year in prison for $20 million? Whoa. Hmm. Might as well. There's certain, you know, moments in life and where it's like, eh, well. Yeah, like I sometimes do fantasize about being institutionalized in some way. Only because like you don't have to get back, respond to anybody.

You just, just the relief from. You can do that without being. You just need a vacation. Yeah, you don't have to be institutionalized to not return texts. I'd love to be. You're in a straight jacket. I would put my phone down. May's in a straight jacket phone down maze in a straight jacket and isolation

like i just wanted a few hours away from my phone and then i can't get out i can't convince them i'm saying i'm like oh my gosh fortunes in prison maze in a mental institution in a straight jacket where are you t Tig? Just taking Max and Finn to and from school. Because apparently Stephanie's a serial killer. Good thing we found out. And then Thomas has been

an accessory to murder because he helps hide the body. God. Well, should we hear what Jamila had to say? Yeah, let's hear what Jamila had to say. She'd hide a body. My answer is that I believe I would. In a heartbeat. I knew it. For a really close friend, a best friend, I'm so down to help someone avoid jail, that I would totally help them bury a body. And I feel that with such conviction

that I'm actually genuinely nervous saying it on such a big podcast. Well done on going to number one, by the way. Because then what if the police listening and then one day I'm connected loosely even to the burying of a body, to the obstruction of justice. What if the police hear this on this massive podcast

and then they'll know for sure it was me. I'm genuinely, I'm sweating just thinking about it. But I'm so into the idea, not because I have like a weird creepy fetish for dead bodies. I really actually can't stand the thought. But I really enjoy the kind of Sopranos level loyalty behind the idea of being willing to do that for a friend that I love to the point where when I'm thinking about the friends that I love the most, my marker of how much I love them is if I would risk it all and help them cover up the worst crime. And May, if you're wondering, yes, I will 100 100 help you bury any dead body that you bring to

me yes but please let's not do that love you bye oh wow what a friend yeah and but i also have to say couldn't we measure this just simply by hey would you take me to the airport in the middle of rush hour traffic right you think it's an extreme barometer it's a little extreme but you know what i have to say to that what that's what friends are for grandma got run over by a reindeer i'll be on your side forevermore hello that's what friends are for keep shining keep shining that's what this podcast got to the bottom of friendship nothing as soon as jamila started talking i was like would she help me and do i qualify for that upper tier level and and i think i probably would help jamila as well but also because i think she's really smart and wouldn't get caught probably so she would for sure for you and you would probably do it for her good catch good catch

i just want to know wow i want to know all the circumstances but no i think i would because she's very clever and i think it's unlikely that she'd let us get caught I think I have to take that song back Grandma got run over by a reindeer Got run over by a reindeer Got run over by a reindeer We still don't know the rest of it I love that

she wasn't even like weighing it up she was like I'm thrilled at the thought of it She didn't even weigh it up and her podcast is called i weigh exactly i mean it makes no sense i want to listen to her podcast now because her voice is delightful so delightful she's actually a great singer as well oh yeah of course maybe she and i should uh do a friends do it we should have her on our live show um in the choir but it's like a reveal because it's all kids. In the choir. It's all kids.

We have a choir? Yeah, we're having a children's choir. We have a choir to choir? Remember for our live show on December 18th at Dynasty Typewriter that everyone in Los Angeles is going to come to and other people are going to stream. All around the world. You can buy tickets and see Mae, Fortune, and Tig live.

I can't wait. And handsome. In suits. Go to DynastyTypeWriter.com for those tickets. And don't forget, we got merch coming. That's a different website. That's HandsomePod.com. Get your merch, y'all.

The holidays are coming. This is the time to be handsome. Yeah, you've got to get your orders in, okay? All you handsomes and pretty little ladies out there, you want to get your stuff. And get your stuff for your family and friends, too. Also, if you like this episode or any other episode, send the episode to a friend and say check this out yes and ask

that friend would you help me bury a body yes and absolutely if they respond affirmatively then you know they're you gotta send them the pod because they're a true friend and if you like our podcast give us a good five star remember or review? Or four. I'd take a four. No fours out. We're fivers. Five across the board. We do appreciate everybody who has been listening.

Actually, yes. That reminds me that I want to post. I was doing a Largo show and somebody sent backstage this incredible artwork that they had done for like a handsome podcast, like illustrated book almost. It was so cool. And I forgot to post it and I don't know their name or anything, but I'm going to post it because it was so cool. There's been a lot of really cool art coming from our episodes from some really talented listeners.

Incredible feedback, just running into people left and right that are listening to this show that it just blows my mind and i have to say when i was getting ready for my taping in vermont and i was in this tiny tiny club it was so tiny i mean people sit basically sitting on stage with me and i mentioned, hey, make sure to check out Handsome. These big, burly, bearded men, Vermont men, were like, Handsome! And I said, sir, do you listen to Handsome? Yes! Love it!

Amazing. No way. I was just, it really tickled me beyond belief. Oh, that's the best. My best friend called me, like, shocked. She was like like i love this podcast i'm shocked yeah i guess like you know when you're i'm always doing a gazillion things yeah she's just like have fun out there and uh she was like she and she texts me about it now

every week like she loves it that's really it's cool because you know your friends just kind of go oh yeah here's another comedy thing fortune's doing and just to be honest i am fortune's best friend it is tig writing me well you guys are awesome we appreciate everybody we hope everyone has a great week you guys have uh we got to promote stuff because we want you to come see some more funnies. Yes, we do. Please. Yeah. Tig, do you have anything? I do. I'm going to be at Largo in Los Angeles on December 6th. I'll also be in College Park, Maryland, January 26th,

Waterville, Maine, March 9th, and cannot express enough how you should get your tickets to see our live show. Anything for you, Mae? I've got improv on the 21st at UCB. I got improv at Dynasty Typewriter on the 29th with Stephanie Allen and Elena, and that's going to be live streamed as well all over the globe. Tiffany Allen and Elena, and that's going to be live streamed as well all over the globe. And then I'm at Largo December 2nd and 11th with very special guests. Nice. I just announced a ton of new dates for the next leg of my tour. After Thanksgiving, I got Grand Rapids and Royal Oak, Michigan, Kansas City, Missouri.

After Christmas, St. Petersburg, Orlando, Jacksonville and West Palm Beach, Florida. rapids and royal oak michigan kansas city missouri after christmas uh st petersburg orlando jacksonville and west palm beach florida and then i just added tons of new dates uh like dc eugene coming to london and amsterdam out there in europe i added a second show in denver colorado philadelphia wisconsin all these places and you can go to fortunefeimster.com for tickets. Well, as always, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune

Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod.