Handsome - Jonathan Scott asks about DIY

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Jonathan Scott of the Property Brothers asks Tig, Mae, and Fortune about Do It Yourself and their "honey-do" lists on an episode that's both handsome AND handy! Plus new nicknames, balloon animals, Fortune's Sound of Music adventure, and more!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media: @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comWatch on youtube: youtube.com/@handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

🎵Handsome Pod🎵 🎵Chatting to friends on the Handsome Pod🎵 🎵Chatting to friends on the Handsome Pod🎵 Cheers! Welcome to another episode of the Handsome Pod. It's your handsome friend, Fortune Feimster, and I'm joined by... Mae Martin.

And Tig Notaro. And we're handsome! Yay! Good morning! Good good morning y'all you guys caffeinated yeah i got my coffee right here it's the thing i look forward to most in the day is coffee i uh am decaffeinated but yeah everybody uh that i order a um a quad decaf uh soy or oat milk latte they're like four shots of decaf do they judge you four shots that is a lot well yeah they judge me listen to fortune judging me right out of the gate i didn't even know that people ordered quads of anything well yeah i i love the taste of coffee but you know you don't want that caffeine i mean there's some caffeine in there anyway yeah but um i can't um blow my my um

my vibe and be too jacked up yeah i wouldn't yeah that would be really disconcerting if you were suddenly like talking a mile a minute. Tig's bouncing off the walls again. Nobody's ever said, Tig, relax. In like middle school, you could go to this Canadian coffee shop, Second Cup, and we would get like, it's called the London Fog. And it was Earl Grey tea with hot cream and like vanilla syrup. It was like the most rancid, sweet, thick, creamy. And you steep the tea for like two seconds. It was pretty much just hot sugar milk.

And we'd have that in the morning. It's claggy, phlegmy, disgusting. And we felt like we were grownups because we'd be like, London fog, please. Nobody really drank coffee when I was growing up. It was not really a thing. Really? Oh, my God. I started drinking coffee when I was three or four.

What? So you've been maybe on a caffeine comedown since that's why. Yeah, for 50 years. You were smoking cigs and drinking coffee. Yeah, and water skiing in the swamps. Yeah. I mean, truly, truly. My brother and I started drinking coffee.

Our grandmother and great-grandmother lived together. And we would go over there and we would drink coffee. And to be fair, they had sugar cubes. And so we would enjoy putting sugar cubes into our our coffee oh yeah it had to be really sweet when you're young we also ate roll aids like the gas is that the gas thing yeah like a mint flavored chalky yeah yeah because that was also in a jar ruining your stomach well no our grandmother and great-grandmother had a jar of Rolaids, and it was like candy. We'd just walk by, grab a handful, pop them in our mouth, and then go skiing with the gators. supermodels survive off of Altoids and black coffee.

And I really stuck in my head as like a 13 year old. I was like Altoids and coffee. And I don't know. I still think about it. Did you ever do it? I'm sure for like a day I was like just an Altoid and a coffee for me. Just an Altoid and a London fog. I'll do what the models are doing. Yeah.

Yeah. It was like a few parents would make a pot of coffee, but there were no coffee shops in my hometown. And then I think once I moved to L.A., Coffee Bean made the ice blended drink, and that was when everybody was like, oh, I love coffee. Coffee is the greatest thing.

You're just drinking a milkshake yeah with coffee in it and that was when like with a little bit of coffee in it very little was like running around la with ice blended in her hand and then all of a sudden they're like this coffee explosion of coffee shops well i mean starbucks started kind of expanding and exploding in like the early 90s i wish i had a fact about the starbucks logo and it's like somewhere in the recesses of my mind there's a fact about the woman in that starbucks logo like a mermaid or something yeah but i can't i can't get there i can't quite get there oh well mayfair well what would you guys think if one day we provided our own handsome

blend of coffee? Do you think that'd be fun? I think that'd be really cool because we're into coffee. Yeah. Yeah, I imagine you'd drink a handsome coffee in a big, thick-knitted sweater. You're looking out over your yard, maybe.

With your grandpa's sweater on. Yes. Or your kiddie pool. Yeah, you put your London fog down and you pick up a nice piping hot cup of handsome brew. Yeah, and then your family respects you a lot more. This coffee will make your family respect you. make your family respect you well listeners write in let us know if you'd be interested in thomas putting a handsome blend of coffee on the merchandise list put it on the list thomas i do think it's crazy that coffee comes from beans in the same way i'm blown away by milk

coming from nuts it's just crazy to me oh you mean not dairy yeah oh you would like testicles i didn't know what you were talking about like i thought maybe um like nuts like from a tree but then because it's you then i thought testicles i always think of testicles when you think of me talking to me or just in general you always think of testicles fortune i say penis um as part of the situation i don't think about the testicle fortune dig don't you reprimand me fortune marie i actually really like compared to fortune i I really like a calm, quiet fortune. Like a warning.

It's like, don't make me go there. Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie. That's the daintiest version of my name. Fortune Marie. Isn't it Emily Fortune Marie? Emily Fortune Marie Feimster. Emily Fortune Marie Feimster II, you sit down.

Women don't get the second or the third. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You mean as a title? Yeah. Oh, that's true. It's always men. Yeah.

They're trying to pass down that lineage. Right. I'm the third. Trying to pass down that patriarchy yeah i'm the third on that patriarchy you're tig the third first of all i think that is my favorite uh uh nickname since i got tig as a nickname tig the third oh my god comes from a long line of TIGs. Yes, please, TIG the third. Well, no, my real name is Matil.

Oh, right, yes. And my mother's name was Matil, and my grandmother was Matil. But my grandmother went by Teal, and my mother went by Susie, and I go by TIG the third. I mean, your mom went from Matil to Susie? Yeah, because... I don't see the connection. Well, because my...

Oh, and Tig makes a lot of sense. There's at least a T in there. That's true. That is very true. I can see Til to Tig,. But teal. Teal. Susie's a bit of a trouble. Well, my mother's name, if they weren't going to name her Matiel, they were going to name her Suzanne. Oh, I like Suzanne.

That's kind of fun. I've never heard. I've heard Suzanne and Susan. Never Suzanne. Yeah. I haven't either. That's what makes it so amazing. Hello, Suzanne.

Anyone named Suzanne has a specific personality and it wasn't my mother i've never heard the name matiel either well it's similar to i guess matilda but um yeah but it's pronounced matiel uh it's french but yeah uh i'm tig the third i love it because it reminds me of hank three you know um hank williams grandson junior senior well there's hank williams senior do you know hank williams is no may country singer i mean i name. He basically invented country music. Junior was the one that sang, Why do we drink to get drunk? Why do we get high? Oh, that part is the ones the audience sings. I'm thinking of like a Jimmy Buffett situation.

Yeah, there was Hank Williams Sr. And he also sang, Oh God god i'm forgetting the name of it we use the song as my um theme song on one mississippi oh yeah i know that yeah jambalaya jambalaya and uh then his son hank williams jr who is known as Bocephus. Oh. That's his nickname. Why? I'm not quite sure. Bocephus. Bocephus.

Southerners have this weird nickname. And then Hank Jr.'s son is Hank Three. Stop. Okay, you gotta be Take Three. Yeah. Hank Three. Yeah. What up, y'all?

My name is Hank Three. It's such a good name, don't you think? Hank Three. It is really good. It hank three it's such a good name don't you think hank three it is really it's so good hank is a great name oh it's so good so is huck yes yeah yeah i have some friends in ohio and um yeah same they have a kid really fortune you said that so like, yeah, big deal. So do I. Yeah, a lot of us have friends in Ohio. You're not the only one. I didn't know, little Miss Thing. I have some friends in Ohio.

I have friends in Ohio places. Ooh, yes, back around the country. But Fortune, can we call you Little Miss Thing? Can we please? Oh my god. We have Little Cowboy and Little Miss Thing. And Tig Three.

Little Miss Thing. Little Miss Thing. You know how they usually write it Little Miss Thing with an A? But this would definitely be Little Miss Thing. I think it's funny. Little Miss Thing. I think it's funny. Little Miss Thing. Yeah.

I now call Mae Buns. Oh, yeah. I really, yeah, Fortune texted me, thanks, Bud. And I corrected it to Buns. I really prefer it. My name's Buns to you. Sweet Buns. Well, what about your friends in Ohio?

I didn't mean to rain on your parade. One of their, their kid is H huck oh cool yeah yeah i think i've said this before about that i want to name my kid bugs but do you think that would be cruel to the child or well in a weird twist in that same family in ohio uh they have a kid that they uh never loved call called by her real name they just called her bug oh okay yeah but you were thinking like bugs bunny yeah and like on the birth certificate bugs you know sure or buster i like buster like buster keaton buster yeah buster are you having kids may are you trying to tell us something? I mean, I know the woman that you're highly involved with

has a child who also lives in that house. Yes, she has a child who lives with me. And I really get why you refer to your kids as your roommates because it is hilarious to be like, I live with this person. Yesterday we did a Taylor Swift performance. She was like her godmothers, the woman I'm heavily involved with, did like a ceremony to sort of almost confirm the godmothers.

And we did this like really earnest ceremony that was so funny. And we did, we sang this Taylor Swift song. And she was so confident practicing it and then got really nervous and kind of stood behind me. And then asked me to tell everyone that we were both really nervous. So I did. And then we sang it. And it was very heartwarming. Which Taylor Swift song?

That's my next question. Never Grow Up. So it goes, your little hand wrapped around my finger and it's so quiet in the world tonight and it's really funny because it's about like a mom singing to their little kid and being like never oh darling don't you ever grow up but hearing a five-year-old sing it was yeah not a dry eye in the house you guys. Fortune, are you okay? I'm nervous. I'm nervous.

Pretty Little Thing? Or what did I? Is that what I was thinking? Little Miss Thing? Little Miss Thing. Little Miss Thing. Not Pretty Little Thing. That's so sweet.

Can you tell them we're both nervous? Yeah. But actually, my brother once in the Christmas play when he was four in preschool, my mom had said, you got to say your feelings always. And so he walked up in front of the whole school and he had a British accent at the time and he went up to the microphone and he went, I'm nervous. Oh. Oh my gosh god I love that kids like being able to access their feelings yeah yeah I would like to say I'm nervous we've been talking about it on the podcast I I've been treading water lately. Just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me.

I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And, you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now, I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic, and it's great. My skin feels better. I feel better. It's just good. So trust your gut with Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic. Go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome,

code 25handsome. I love the show, Hacks, andacks and it is back baby for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Debra Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now season two left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what?

It's on Max. You can catch up. And I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts. It's one of my favorite stories ever. it's one of my favorite stories ever but my friend lindsey was so she was mixed race but she was raised by her mom who was white and so she was at her great-grandmother's 100th birthday

party and it was all her family fun yeah it's so fun and she was two i think and the way she tells the story she's like i guess looking around and realizing she's the only non-white person there which is a very weird feeling when you're two and uh they someone says Lindsay you got to get up and say um happy birthday to great grandma on the microphone she's like I don't want to do it and they're pressuring her and it's like don't pressure this kid you're like just get up and say happy birthday great grandma I love you she's like okay she gets up and she describes like standing at the mic and looking out at the sea of faces and then she goes i hate you i hate you all oh no oh my god i really get it i hate you i hate you all good night good night she's like i didn't want to do this i know i'm nervous i'm nervous but i really get it she said she was just feeling like sort of alienated and like fuck you i don't

why'd you make me get up and say something and i like it i don't remember anything before the age of like six you should talk to someone about that really is that not normal you don't even have little glimpses? I have like glimpses here and there of like kindergarten, but I don't remember a whole lot. Really? I don't really either. Really?

My mom's like, when I was one and a half, I am like, how do you know this? Yeah. I have like one like sort of recollection of my grandmother driving me to preschool i have like a couple little spots of kindergarten um but yeah everything i don't know what a weird thing that like you see people day in and day out year after year and then just no clue that anything happened or who that was or you know like i see pictures of myself like in the arms of some woman and i'm like who is this

yes that's so true Nevada nickel. Truly. Arms of a woman I ended up in. And I'm like, I'm four, three or four, and I'm in a dress with sandals on and some woman's holding me. And there's like a whole series of pictures. Of you being like lovingly cradled by this stranger. Yeah, I'm like, who is this? I've never seen that person ever again. Yeah, you would think somebody holding you in their arms.

That was my best friend. That was my only friend. That's true, though. Like, the drama, the daily dramas when you're, like, a toddler, it's so intense. And then, yeah, no recollection. Nothing. That's hilarious.

Absolutely nothing. And, like, when you're a kid and then these people will come up and they're like, I remember when you were just this big. And you're like, okay, like, who are you? Yeah.

You know, we're your friends from Ohio. Good one. Not pretty little, little, little miss thing. Your whole thing is going to be like, wait,

what was your nickname? Pretty little miss thing. Pretty little miss fortune thing. Your whole thing is going to be like, wait, what was your nickname? Pretty Little Miss thing. Pretty Little Miss Fortune thing. Oh, boy. But still, even now, though, people will be like, remember in college when you did stuff? I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe my memory's not great. Even Stephanie will be like, remember yesterday when we were talking?

I'm like, no. Who are you i think i have enough of a like healthy dollop of narcissism that i'm like constantly narrativizing my life like i think even when i was three i was like i'm may and this is my story telling like clocking every moment yeah being like today the pain was immense and then were you a journaler yeah oh i was gonna say were you a troll based on that inner dialogue i ain't doing this you journaled a lot yeah i always had had weird little diaries and journals and stuff that my parents read my diaries when i was a teenager and now i when i i do keep a diary but it's like almost in coat no yeah it's locked in a safe no you just have one of those little little tiny yeah no one will

crack this i only journaled once in my life it was when i was living in spain and i didn't have many friends so i think i was just like i'll just write way to bum everyone out i probably was pretty insightful too i don't know you're a pretty good writer what what was your venture a lot of deep thoughts what was what was it like a journal entry for you fortune i don't even remember what i probably with the voice i'm on the train i'm already through the alps of i'm gonna do the troll voice no little baby fortune little baby fortune well i was 22 so my accent would have been thicker it'll be like i'm here on this train it's pretty cool we're just going through the alps and man those mountains that's

those are some big mountains i saw some water coming out of one of them i hadn't seen that before then we went through austria and you know it's like going back in time all those rolling hills and i saw a cottage with some smoke coming out of it hey i like that they want me to try something called wiener schnitzel but guess what it ain't hot dogs yeah it's like some kind of breaded chicken or something i wasn't expecting that well more later more later signing off i did go on a um sound of music tour by myself and you're saying you had no friends i well i was alone i went alone it was me that sounds like somebody with no friends what they would do honestly i would do that now by myself too because jacks would not go with me

um it was me and three couples that were over the age of 70 oh my god and you took a van around austria and how old were you 22 yeah they blasted music from the sound of music. So there's no footage of this. No, I would give anything to have videos. You think you'd give any? I would give anything to see you with elderly people

on a train. Yeah. They felt sorry for me when I was like, do you want to come eat with us? Oh my god. you want to come eat with us? Oh my God. Okay. And you went and ate with them? Yeah, because part of the tour was you stopped for lunch

and everybody was in a couple and then there's this 22-year-old loser. The 70-year-olds had to be like, hey, little loser. Hey, little lady. You want to come on over here? Or were they like, hey, son, would you like to join us?

And then they gave us Edelweiss seeds at the end of it. That's pretty big deal. Yeah, Edelweiss is a flower. Oh, I never knew that. I thought it meant like goodbye. Fortune fact. Yeah. Oh, I never knew that. I thought it meant like goodbye. Fortune fact. Oh, because of the song.

Edelweiss, Edelweiss, every morning you greet me. That's the flower. Okay, amazing. Oh, the flower greets him every morning. Oh, yeah. Small and white, clean and bright. Well, small and white could also just be a person. I'm just making stuff up. It well small and white could also just be a person making stuff up it was small and white wait it was oh because remember the chorus is like

something may you bloom and grow yes you know how um we always get asked questions by people about like, if you could go back in history to why I'm, I want to rewrite all my answers. It's this tour. I want to be on. I want to be with me. Yeah.

I would have a friend to eat lunch with. Yes. Oh, wienerschnitzel. I love it. May. May Pearl Martin. May Pearl. May Marie. Fortune Marie and May Pearl. may may pearl martin may pearl may marie fortune marie and may pearl

wait you are may pearl yeah my first name actually on my passport is may pearl so pearl's your middle name or is may pearl your first may pearl's my first name i feel like i don't even know you guys i don't they didn't give me a middle name. May I have news for you? What? Pearl is your middle name. I think so. But my parents say it's like Mary Rose. But there's no hyphen.

Yeah, but you go by May. It's like Mayflower. So Pearl is now your middle name. And if your parents have more questions, they can contact me directly. Oh, I'm going to put them in touch with you. Ting is the authority. Oh, my God. to put them in touch with you. Tig is the authority. Oh, my God. I should really get a question from my dad.

I think my mom's shy, but my dad, I'd like to get a question from him. I told my mom that we would like a question from her. And she goes, well, I don't know how to use technology. So, you know, I'll just have to figure that out at some point. I will say if anyone is listening to the podcast. My parents are dead. Oh my god, Tick. Also, I just started a sentence, if anyone is listening to the podcast.

Hello? Is anyone out there? Are we just talking amongst ourselves? If anyone's listening to this. It's just Thomas listening to us. We get on here and hi guys. Yeah. They should follow my dad on Instagram because he's just posting.

He makes puppets and this is like a recent hobby of his. And it's like a great joy in his life. Particularly when people follow him on Instagram, it gets real excited. So follow. He just posted one called the golden gnome and it's this like creature that he made. So follow at the James Chato,

C-H-A-T-T-O. Is that weird that I'm plugging my dad's Instagram? Is that right? Plug your dad. Plug away. Plug him up. Is your mother on Instagram? I'm asking people to not follow my father.

Are your parents on Instagram? No, my dad's definitely not. he'll he'll post on facebook like great day great day that's like great day great day my mom i think is on instagram but with like a like a friendster account like you don't know she's there she's just lurking around that is so funny well guys should we listen to our question yes yes please i'm excited because we have a canadian today a very a characteristically kind and warm canadian um jonathan scott is a canadian construction contractor interior designer

and illusionist he's best known for hosting the hit tv series property brothers with his twin brother drew as well as the spinoffs buying and selling brother versus brother forever homes He's best known for hosting the hit TV series Property Brothers with his twin brother, Drew, as well as the spinoffs Buying and Selling, Brother vs. Brother, Forever Homes, and Property Brothers at Home. And what a kind, kind man. I did a couple escape rooms with him and Zoe. And yeah, what a joyful, playful, childlike soul. Do you think that we'll get invited to the wedding? That's a really good question.

I know we will. I'm in charge of the guest list. He's always nice. I don't know him well, but I'll see them at events. And they always both say hi and are lovely. He's a big comedy fan. Yeah. In fact, I think he even tried doing stand-up years ago.

He used to do improv, I know. Yeah um and i'd love to see him do magic we went to like a magic bar where magicians go and then the magician was coming like table to table and then jonathan was like can i just borrow that pack of cards and blew our minds like blew this magician out of the water and it was i love nothing more than to be astounded the problem is when you go somewhere and you don't want magic and a magician is there and they harass you does that happen where is this yes they haven't not a lot but we're at a party because i like magic i i'm always like this is impressive jacks is not a magic of course and of course she's not she's like classic jack beat it she's over there rolling her eyes scram clown um this guy

was like it was like um for a premiere but the guy throwing whose party it was didn't know there was gonna be a magician and he's not into magic but the network hired a magician and this guy was like harassing everyone like who wants to see a magic trick and we were like oh i have can i just like get a rain check and but he'd be like okay go get your drink and then i'm gonna find you and we're like god that is a thing i think because i once tried to hire a magician for a party and i i found this website where you get like quotes like you go you look at all the different magicians you click the one you want you tell them about the event so i'd like got some info from a few magicians. And then this one, I somehow got my phone number from the website. And he texts me goes, Hey, it's really disrespectful to like get

a quote and ask questions from a magician because the website charged me $20. And I wrote back, I was like, Sorry, who is this? Yeah. And what do you mean? He was like, Yeah, there's like an etiquette here. And we got into this long, was writing essay text like wow argument with this guy and then at the end he was like so do you want to book me or it's like no you're a terrible guy that's harassing everyone like i know you want to see some magic i know i'm coming over right now pick a card and then they want a certain response at the end of the you know trick you got to be like oh my god that was the greatest thing i've ever seen yeah you know i actually was at dinner even though i was laughing at going where does that magic just spontaneously happen this isn't exactly

the same but it's similar enough stephanie and i were in this tiny town in Colorado that we stopped in to have some food and we're just eating and this guy recognizes me comes and I was getting the vibe that he was recognizing me and I was thinking oh gosh you know not really wanting our dinner to be interrupted but he comes over not only interrupts us but it's like do you guys like balloon animals oh no no yes this guy's a serial killer we are at the restaurant and he's like no and i oh my god you of all people mortified and i was just sitting there get away get away yes and now now everyone's looking at our table and not like i'm the most well-known person but then it was drawing more attention and you know it was god so uncomfortable that's just such a lack

of self-awareness yeah and both of you just completely deadpan expression while while this guy's just wrestling well no stephanie is so nice and like you know has a kind face and i think that was probably happening and i was just sitting Scott is doing balloon animals while we're just trying to have dinner. Wait, we never did Jonathan's question. We got very excited about magic. Sorry, Jonathan. Let's hear what he has to ask us. That's hilarious.

Hello, handsome podcast. This is handsome property brother, Jonathan Scott. I've had work done. I am so excited to be doing this because I'm a huge fan. I'm obsessed with you guys in a purely not creepy way. A sweet, innocent way. Anyway, question I have for you. Have you ever had or do you have one of those punch list items around the house?

It's been on the honey do list forever. You keep pushing it off and pushing it off. What is that? And are you handy enough to actually fix it? Because it's not just about being handsome. It's also about being handy. Handysome. Yeah, handysome. There were a couple of like punch list I've never heard and then honey do list i liked that have you never heard honey do list no yeah like honey do this honey do that there's a lot of items on our list really we don't even have dining room chairs still and it's been a year since we moved where are you sitting well Well, we have an informal table where we have some chairs, but the

proper dining room table has no chairs. Got it. Nothing's on the wall. We have not hung one picture. Jax just shushed me. Jax, we should order dining room chairs. Fortune, can you handle that at another time

jacks just got on amazon and just clicked on any chairs well that's my problem that's how i do things is i just go on amazon and click like the first that's why i have no style is that that thing in the background did you click on that and i'm on amazon may oh are you talking about my light this costs 16.99 yeah and it is fake wood it's made of plastic and i 16 yep and i assembled it myself and yeah you did so if you if i put something heavier than like a quarter on it it's gonna fall apart it's like it's made of match sticks wow i'm not handy at all are y'all handy i am not handy but when i have down time i do like to challenge myself if we have something to put together or install I always try to do it and I can do it and I do it, but it's more of like a slow process. I'm curious if I can figure this out. But Stephanie, I would say she's pretty handy

and it really came out during the pandemic where she fixed the disposal and the sink. Oh, whoa. fix the just like the the disposal and the sink oh whoa and yeah where i was like where'd this come from yeah and she's like i don't know jack said that too she fixed our disposal really yeah oh my god i've gotten spoiled because jack's just figures things out yeah and she's like up on the she's like cleaning the gutters out and like painting her fence. Okay, dyke. I don't know. Dyking out hardcore.

Yeah. I'm not handy, but in the pandemic, I did start whittling. And I whittled some sort of faces out of wood. I ordered a lot of whittling gear, but no. And also, as I keep weirdly mentioning to you guys, I don't own any property. I really want to. And so anytime,

I can't change anything about where I live really on a, on a deeper, I can't build like a, like a sex dungeon or something. Oh, I thought you were going to say, um, a garage,

like a little shed. But of course it was like, it was like, you know, dungeon you know guys i don't have a lot of square footage to uh where am i gonna put my sex dungeon oh my gosh we have one closet that can fit like a handcuff look it doesn't have to be large it just i just need to at least be able to put an ikea chair in there while i'm handcuffed to my ikea chair with my 1699 amazon dungeon wow all right when i get all the gear on amazon get it may i would like like um a sex dungeon yeah like a secret room it doesn't have to be sex related

but like but why i have a secret room if it's not to be sex related but like but why have a secret room if it's not sex well exactly i mean will you have something like where you have to say like open sesame and oh that's good fortune that's good that's from the i'm stealing that from the magic castle but yeah where the wall like opens up how would i do that would i have to employ someone you might have to hire jonathan scott and his brother oh yeah to make me a secret i'd like you're like um hey guys i'm looking to have a secret sex dungeon uh yeah i i actually meant employ someone to sit there to to wait to see if someone knows the password and open the door oh wow that's um tough to find someone but where did open Sesame come from?

I want to say Scheherazade and the Tale of a Thousand and One. Oh, boy. And a Thousand and One Nights, right? Arabian Nights? Honestly, I have no clue. Yeah, we don't know what you've never heard of that. I think that's where it comes from. Really? Yeah. That's a book? Yeah. But where where it comes from. Really? Yeah. That's a book?

Yeah. But where does it come from? Why were they like open sesame? I think it was just the author of those stories came up with it. Yeah, because Alibaba, Thomas says, Alibaba. Does that ring a bell? No. I know this song.

Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Baba. Yes. Do you know that? Strong as ten, regular men. Definitely. Something like that. A hundred bad guys with swords. Remember that?

Yeah. Two against one. I can't believe that was a may fact you pulled out of nowhere wow but i didn't really get any of the details right i wouldn't mind having a fact room in my house like instead of a sex dungeon no it could be a double yeah yeah so i chained someone up and then i'm projecting facts onto the wall and they're like more facts or onto their naked body because it's changed to an ikea chair there's some horny people listening to this fortune fortune or it's like clockwork orange i put i i glue their eyes open i make them read facts what were we talking about honey do

list honey do list repairs repairs yeah um what's on the you know stephanie and i are wanting to redo our home we also don't have many things on the wall in our home because we're so in the um we're still in that headspace of max and finn being little yes and they were so wild we would always see people holding babies on their lap up to like two years old and we would always be like we've never experienced this because they were just wriggling around they were always on the go they were into stuff they were up to things they were you know they were just always moving. And so we never, when we would go on vacation and we'd rent a house, Thomas, I don't know if you remember this when we were on, where were we?

Nantucket. Nantucket. We had, we rented a house. This is when Thomas was our assistant and uh max and finn were two we rented this house and then we had to take all of the pictures off the walls took all the lamps out of the room wow because max and finn would jump out of their cribs and just get into everything oh my god and so everything do you remember that th? We had to take everything out. And then also call Child Protective Services.

But we also had to bungee cord them into the room. We had to put a bungee cord around the knob to keep the door shut because they would climb out of their cribs. And we were scared that we wouldn't wake up. You're only now being like okay we're safe to have like any style because you were like yeah yeah yeah and um we have been for a while but we've just been in this uh in this mindset of you know not having certain things within reach and yeah so uh so now you can get into it. Yeah, so that's that's on our honeydew list is redoing our house. My parents are super handy. My dad's really like, he'll build a

deck or like they they had this. They lived in Greece for like five years. And when they bought this place, it had no roof and no running water. This is before YouTube. How do people just learn stuff? They just kind of fixed it all up. Talk to people. And then did I tell you about this old stone bench that they wanted to get rid of with sledgehammers? They're renovating in Greece.

And they crack open the bench and inside is a giant albino toad that must have crawled in and started eating and then it grew so big that it could no longer get out and it's this white bulbous blind huge toad that's like inside and they were so gross i know they were repulsed they were like what gross i know and it was like yeah i had crawled in there and just been eating bugs and grown and grown and never seen the sunlight and that's why it was albino yeah i guess it was this white bulbous mass it was too big to move stop saying bulbous stop it's so gross like we get it it was it was eating in the dark for years yes just stop it's like a mythical satanic thing disgusting so then they take like a bad omen i know so it

wasn't running away because it couldn't so they took a big shovel and they sort of maneuvered it under this toad and they're like i guess we just put it in the garden, you know, like let it run away. So they put it out there. Still there. Couldn't move. So in the morning they go outside. An owl has ripped it to pieces. Why are you telling this?

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Even though I think the thing's gross, I don't need to know it suffered. Guess what? No longer bulbous. How dare you? I had to burden you with this. This is a vegan podcast. I know. I'm so sorry. It's just that it's in my subconscious so deeply that I needed to burden you guys with this. What a horrible life this toad lived. It got stuck in that thing and then it's just eating bugs in the dark and then gets out

and loses all of its color and then it gets eaten that's how that is i got a tan what a horrible existence you're framing it it's that's useful for me to hear because i've been framing it like that was an evil king or something like that, that it was living this, you know, no, it was stuck. Yeah, you're right.

Of course it was stuck. It didn't get to see sunlight. What, what if you didn't get to see sunlight and you were just stuck eating bugs in the dark until someone let you out to go hop your bulbous body out to hop away. And then you get eaten. I get ripped. It's like, like it's like now that i think about

it there is no god yeah right not a great life for that frog anyway it really turned me off home renovation that was the thing you never know you just never know when you're gonna find a big old frog yeah i was really passionate about home renovations then i found this bulbous toad yeah and uh yeah i just never went back you know it's a lot of work every time i think that we want to do some kind of big home renovation thing jackson i did like buy a chair yeah exactly what's your what aesthetic are you going for in the new i know jacks is like a minimalist but are you going like mid-century modern no i don't know what that shaggy chic i think that's the problem i think that's the problem we don't know right i probably need some help with like are you

lesbian futon types where you're like hey i was at one point for sure Wait is that a thing? What's a lesbian futon type? I don't know just like you know A lazy boy I had a recliner I had a recliner when Jack's movie did She was like We're getting rid of this immediately I was like not my recliner What are you talking about?

Where am I gonna sit At the dining room table Right now I have a vintage Arcade sit at the dining room table right now i have a vintage arcade game in our dining room and jack's is like what why is why is this here what what game is it it's a arcade game that has like um pac-man and space invaders and donkey kong and dude i will buy that if you're selling it i will buy i don't want to sell it i'm obsessed like jack's is giving it away but it is it is in the worst place possible it's in the middle of our dining room it looks so crazy i mean i know of a worse place it could be

sex dungeon oh yeah that would really kill the sex dungeon for sure yeah i i want um a vintage pinball machine. Or imagine if we made a handsome podcast pinball machine. Our faces and our mouths are open. Yeah. And the ball goes through our mouths. Anyway. Well, I've been to Jonathan Scott's house and he does have,

it's like a light up infinity dance floor. What? You know how it's famous that mechanics have like junker cars? Oh, is that true? Yeah. Yeah. If his house was like IKEA. And like a housekeeper has a messy house and then, yeah, he's just got nothing on his walls and never got to anything at his own house.

Too busy fixing everyone else's house. I would imagine his house looks pretty nice. He seems like... It's amazing. He's such a good host as well. I can't wait to go over there. Let's go today. For the wedding.

Let's all just rock up. Should we hear his answer yeah for myself i have always been a dog dad love my dogs and have always wanted to have the ease of letting them come in and out as they go and it's a challenge depending on whatever house you're in well we just finished a renovation here and i've had it for the longest time finally I decided to build my puppy her very own dog house here this giant run with artificial turf it's got a screen out there so she can get all the smells and the nature but we have Bobcats and owls so she's not a danger of being snatched up and uh I even put in uh all of its own drainage system and sprinkler system so i can automatically clean it

all off and um really wow it helps me be a better lazy dog owner i love that that's my question just wanted to know if you're handsome and handy we are none of us clearly are handsome me that's so impressive that's amazing yeah yeah i wonder if all three of us are picturing different versions of what he just described i'm picturing like pretty amazing i'm picturing something kind of low to the ground with like a screen over it yeah yeah that's more long than wide i wasn't listening to him but someone like him that has the means to they they've got their guys they're like oh well he can do it himself but also is like i also know a plumber that can put in the yeah he must know every person to call on every level of expertise and vendors yeah he could find

dining room chairs easily i'd also love to have a little um as they call it catio oh yeah what would that be just like a little screened in area for a cat it was a fun name for it yeah yeah i would like to learn how to do these things because i feel like it it makes you like a 50 more desirable spouse like to have those skills like that's kind of why I went to massage school just to be more to have more to offer and then you never massaged again yeah I never massaged again

but I do want to learn how to do stuff that's cool would you build Biggie a palace I would give Biggie whatever he wants if someone else would build it Jax put it on the list. Put it on the list. Jax's whole family's handy.

Her stepdad is in construction, and I would be like, I feel like this garage needs a hallway because it's so wide, and then all of a sudden there's a wall up. I'm like, what? He just can do things in two seconds. It's pretty crazy.

That makes me realize Stephanie and I should get a husband. Yeah, we often want a husband. No shade against lesbians and our skills. Some lesbians are putting walls up too. A husband can also be a lesbian. A her-sban. A her-sban. Basically, we just want someone handy well yeah

we always talk about having a throuple because there's so many things that we can't do that we need like somebody that can organize parties well gift baskets that's right yeah stephanie's like that too we're not good at presents and stuff we're like we need someone in our life who like knows like oh i'm gonna pick this bottle of wine for so-and-so we're like yeah that would be great my friend beth is like the best gift giver and yeah would she be would she be a good option for a third well i mean of course yeah as long as it was you know not romantic because beth and i have known each other since we were small children so um she's married you know i'm married we're wait are you looking for an assistant or a third partner i feel like this whoever this third person is is gonna feel really hoodwinked when they realize what the deal is i don't know if you're looking for an assistant or a truffle what's it called a thruple a thruple more like

trouble trouble yes yeah well i think we need a thruple because sometimes things come up in the middle of the night or you know what i mean but like this person has to take care of all the difficulty yeah yeah some people who would get off on that like i on the sort of sub energy of that i i don't i don't mind it i'll do it if you'll package this ugly gift stephanie and i bought if you can help me order dining room chairs you got a room in my house go out and live in the sex dungeon and we'll call you when we need something wrapped i would you weirdo i don't know why did you take this job this is appealing to me if it was one day a week i would do this no this is seven days a week 24 7 living in a relationship yeah but you live in the sex dungeon and then we call you in when we need things carried or

there is someone for everyone so there is someone out there that's like this sounds delightful yeah yeah i'll just sit in my sex swing uh handcuffed to the ikea chair until i get a text well i there are people i read about who um their kink is so like a woman a woman will have a phone number and when you call it it charges you like five dollars a minute and the kink is people call the woman answers she's like hello and they're And they're like, I love you. And then she goes, oh, God. And then she leaves you on. Jazz could do that. Yeah, jazz could totally do that.

And she leaves you on speakerphone while she just goes about her day in her apartment. So you can hear her like washing the dishes. Ignore you. Yeah, and you're just like, please talk to me. And she's ignoring you. And they make thousands of dollars a day. This is amazing.

I could do that. Oh my God, you'd be amazing at it too. I wouldn't be good at it. I'd be like, I love you too, pal. How'd you get my number? Dick can make a lot of money. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Scram. Scram, clown. Well, I think that brings us to the end of uh this week's episode wow what another treat what i had a wonderful time same same buns thanks little miss thing well miss thing that's right what is it again yeah what do you guys have anything coming up it's going to be said pat is day it's going to be this is my irish accent i hope everyone has a great sound of hat is there and today's safe and doesn't make so much alcohol fortune do you like that

um yeah so i was gonna say please keep going when is st St. Paddy's Day? The 15th? 17th. Every year. It is? Every year. Everyone knows it's the 17th. I just wanted to talk about I have an Irish accent and I'm having a great time. Fortune. That was really good. Can you keep going? Top of the morning

until you take a shirt on. Don't tell Planny about my terrible irish accent he's gonna hear um i have some things coming up i have speaking of flanny i have a show at uh uh largo on march 18th the day after saint patty's day where you're partying like a cuckoo bird. And my special airs on March 26th on Amazon. So check that out. And then finally, just go to Tignotaro.com for all show and ticket information. And I'm still going to be working on new material around Los Angeles at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter. So come on out.

I'm at Largo on March 26, doing my weird sex show with Brett Goldstein. That will be fun. We'll have special guests will be finally having full penetrative sex at Largo. So come out to that that and then always there's improv shows popping up so check out my instagram are you gonna be handcuffed to ikea chairs on stage yes yeah yeah nice um i'm in north carolina this weekend in wilmington and durham tickets are available for those los angeles and san luis obispo uh the next weekend. And then Albany, New York, Hartford, Connecticut, New York City, Bakersfield, Rancho Mirage, California,

Seattle, and Toronto. Finishing out my tour. Tickets are at my website, fortunebeamster.com. So check that out, y'all. And don't forget about our awesome merchandise flying off the shelves flying right off and also if you're enjoying this podcast send an episode to a friend and say hey

join the handsome pod yeah join us we're having a good time over here waiting on you some people call it the hotsome pod the hot we're also hot oh my god i love that wait what do you mean who calls us the hotsome pod i did just now yeah some people are calling us but yeah truly spread the word because we love doing it and we're so grateful to everyone listening. And until next time, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com

and follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!