Handsome - Lisa Gilroy asks about Handsome at The Oscars

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

The hilarious Lisa Gilroy asks Handsome about who would play them in a biopic... plus cave-person PMS, Fortune's jugs, and much more!Handsome is streaming LIVE from Austin April 12! Get your tickets here.Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You heard me, free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrain.com slash handsome. That's wildgrain.com slash handsome or you can use promo code handsome at checkout. Handsome Pot. Chattin' with friends on the handsome pot. Chattin' with friends on the handsome pot. Cheers. Hi, it's your friend Tigno Taro on the podcast Handsome. I'm sitting here with my co-host.

May Martin. And Fortune Feimster. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Wow. Wow. Yeah. That is something you have not done before, Fortune. A skill you have not showcased.

I want you to learn something new about me in every episode. And you can do, pew pew pew pew pew. Wait Tig, you can do it too? That's right May. What about yourself? Pew pew.

Oh see, do it again. Pew pew pew pew. Pew pew pew. Wow, pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew, pew. Wow, that's even better. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. If at first you don't succeed. Pew, pew again. I'm sorry, Fortune, can you say that quote again?

I'd like to write it down. You should write it down. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Try again. I came up with that all by myself, no one else. That's really good. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So what is shaking other than a lot of talent out of everybody? I was sharing how my eyesight is completely going, near and far. Near and far. Near and far. Near and far. Oh shit. Yeah, it is a real situation. I cannot see anything.

I think you gotta work on, I've been listening to the telepathy tapes and there's all these people who they're blindfolded but they can see through their mother's eyes or through people's eyes. I heard about this. This is a podcast. This is a podcast that's so paradigm shifting.

That's basically scientists testing telepathy. And we should test if we're connected. I thought that's what you just did when you put your hand over your eyes. Okay, what do you guys think? What word do you think I'm thinking right now? Cooter. I was.

Are you serious? No. Are you serious? I swear to you. Why are you guys acting shocked? Of course, that is what Fortune was thinking about. But still, it could have been biscuits. It could have been. Of course that is what Fortune was thinking about. But still, it could have been biscuits, it could have been biggies.

No, it's gonna be cooter. Oh my God, May, it's rubbing off on you. You two are really connected. Yeah. I'm gonna think of a number from one to 10, if you're listening. That was the ultimate two against one, I have to say. Yeah, that was actually, yeah.

Number from one to 10. I'm sending it to you guys. And if you're listening at home, you can also play. And I'm screaming it at you in my head. What if nobody's listening at home? Six. Oh my God. This is all for nothing. Six. Okay.

Take? The number eight. It was eight. No. I swear to God. It was eight. No. I swear to God. It was eight. Oh my, what, Fortune, what number were you gonna say? Well, I did say six.

Yeah, that is not eight. It is very different from eight. I guess we're not as connected as we thought, Fortune. That's all right, you two are connected now. That means all of us are connected. Okay, I'm gonna do this. Fortune, what band am I thinking of? Indigo Girls.

Of course, of course. Woo! What else would I think about? Meow, meow. What am I always thinking about? Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, choo, choo, choo. Closer I am to find. Apparently there are kids in schools though

who they're training. Like it's like a muscle you can exercise. And the more they practice, they're getting genuinely good at like guessing what color cards are being held up and stuff like that. Seems like we don't need to practice anymore. Practice at all. Yeah, I mean, we got every question right.

Stephanie and I went on a podcast where we had to do like a dating game type thing, like a newlywed game. Okay. And we really answered some weird questions correctly. Oh you did? Thank God, because that would be so awkward if you knew nothing about each other.

Yeah. Like one of the things was, what does Stephanie do that is a weird habit? And I was like, I don't know if she's going to say this or not, but when she's in the bathtub, she makes this hand, and if you want to see it, head on over to YouTube, but she makes this hand underneath the water spout. Oh, like a claw shape kind of. Well, don't tell people because they have to go to YouTube to see what we're doing. But when the water is pouring out, she sits in the tub and does that underneath the water. Oh, like a soothing thing?

Or she'll make a little cup and she guessed that was the correct. Wow. That is, that is of all things an interesting one to land on. It's weird. It's weird. I think I've done that circle one where you make a circle that the stream of water is going through. Like it's a cup. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But the other one, the this thing that you'd have to see on YouTube, that is what I do when I speak Italian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I am. Italian, not at all. Not at all. Yeah. I have a Mayfax for you guys. Oh, I'm pretty pleased. I feel like I haven't had one in a while. for you guys. Oh.

I'm pretty pleased. I feel like I haven't had one in a while. Yeah, yeah, you're into us. Okay, hatters, people who make hats, they used to use mercury to make the hats or some part of the process. And so a lot of them were going nuts for mercury poisoning.

And that's why we get mad as a hatter or the mad hatter in Alice in Wonderland because hatters were nuts from mercury. Wow, I did not know that. Isn't that crazy? I'm gonna go ahead and press the Mayfet button. Do I pretend I don't know that? Did you know that?

No. No, be honest with me, be honest with me. You knew that? Yes, I did know that. Damn. I don't believe fortune. No, no be honest with me be honest with me you know, yes, I did know that I don't believe fortune Why don't you put it? Shove it up your butt. Oh Okay, we just had a real

technical difficulty My bad. Yeah fortune. I had to put on my headset Turns out fortunes internet did not go back on at 10 a.m. Today. No, Fortune. I had to put on my headset. Turns out Fortune's internet did not go back on at 10 a.m. today. No it didn't. Yeah, it was cutting in and out, so Fortune is now in a different place in her house, but also has a plant behind her,

so all is well, and old dead eyes are snoozing up the store. You stop! He is adorable and full of life. People at my shows now are like, Tig's wrong. I'm like, I know. Wait, listen, do you think I'm saying

this dog is not adorable? I don't know. Do you not understand how much I love Biggie? And how adorable I think Biggie is? Okay, now I know. And that Tig loves creatures with dead eyes. And I just love creatures. You do love creatures, you protect them.

And I love Biggie. Hey, sweet. Hey, sweet. I have no idea what we were talking about. I don't know. Mad hatters. Mad hatters. Oh, yeah. Sorry to get really overexcited about my Mayfacts there. Made it a Mayfact.

Yeah, you're kind of acting like a mad hatter there. Well, if you think about it, back then, they wouldn't have known that that's why all the hatters were crazy was the Mercury. So was it just like, back then they wouldn't have known that that's why all the hatters were crazy was the Mercury. So was it just like, oh yeah, we all know that people who make hats are nuts. And if you had to go get a hat, you'd be like, hope I come out of this alive. I know. Yes.

But back then you didn't even need a reason to be upset with someone. They burn women and call them witches for no reason. Are you talking about these days? No, well. Oh, good times. Slapping someone with a glove and challenging them to a duel. I think all the time about during the time of cavemen

and women and they thems and how. Cave thems. Cave thems. But like when somebody was sick, imagine somebody or in any sort of pain or like somebody starts their period or whatever it is, and you don't have words or understanding for what is happening.

How confusing that must have been. Guess it'd be similar to like chimps or something. Like maybe people would sort of rally around the or they just if they were nomadic, they'd be like leaving behind. They didn't go P M S? Yeah, they didn't have English language, but they had acronyms for some reason. P M S? And it goes up on the S. language, but they had acronyms for some reason. And it goes up on the S. Hormones bad.

Hormones bad. They're very all over the place. You must get on HRT. Estrogen low. Anyway, that's my cave impression. You guys want one more. So I feel like my fact was slightly deflated by the technical difficulty and the fact that Fortune already knew it.

I apologize. No, I just. I apologize. I got one more if you're interested. Please. Tig looked like she was about to say we're not interested. Well, I mean, we're not, but you're gonna do it anyway. So let's hear it.

Thanks. Okay, so. Thanks. Yeah, you're right, it was rhetorical. If you're interested, anyway. So in the old days, if you were really poor, like in Victorian times, you would sell your urine to leather tanners and they would use it to tend their leather.

And that's where the expression piss poor comes from. And they would also say if they're really poor, they don't even have a pot to piss in. Oh, wow. Good night, everyone. Oh, are you going to bed? Good night, May. Honk shoo, honk shoo.

That's pretty good, right? That is pretty good. But how did you stumble upon the mercury and the leather urine? Was it just for this episode? No, I was... Wow, there was a podcast called Shit Town and I was listening to that and the guy in it has mercury poisoning that makes him crazy. And so then I was Googling,

I went down a bit of a rabbit hole and then I was learning about hatters. Did you know a rabbit hole comes from rabbits going down a hole? Where did you hear about this Fortune? Are you sure? I thought you were gonna say it comes from rabbits. When you go down a rabbit hole.

Now, do you think that people going down so many rabbit holes these days, these rabbits are getting tired of all these people heading down there? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. That feels like a new standup bit for me. It's good. It does feel like a TIG bit.

Like it's got legs. I made a rabbit feet. You should run with that. You should hop with that. You should hop with that. I'm on fire. You're on fur. Fortune, did you write some down or you pet him? I'm looking at Biggie, sorry.

Oh, that's okay. Jax has been out of town for two weeks and it's just been he and I, the two of us, and we have had quite the adventures. Really? He's gone everywhere with me. Where have you gone? A lot of shows. He's gone everywhere with me. Where have you gone? A lot of shows.

He's been with me to a lot of shows. Does he go on stage with you? At the very end, because he's still his focus. Some shows he's just sat in his bag, like at Largo, he just sat in his bag on the side of the stage and slept while I was doing my set.

Now, May, do you happen to know where happy as a clam comes from? I'm glad you asked and no, and that's crazy. I should know that and I'm sorry. You really should. Is it because they, like when they look like they're smiling? Okay, we're gonna have to find out. I think it comes from the little mermaid.

Those clams when they were singing under the sea seemed very happy. Yes, but happy as a clam has been around. Darling is better, darling is better, take it from me. I keep hearing innuendos and I can't stop. Like rabbit hole, it's better down where it's wetter. I can't stop. The idiom happy as a clam likely originates from phrase.

Wait, which one of us should read it? Whatever you all should decide to read it. Happy as a clam at high water, because clams are safe from predators during high tide, making them happy in that state. Oh. And because they have big smiles on their face. So happy as a clam at high water.

So, yeah. They're safe. So happy as a clam at high water. Mm-hmm. Yeah. They're safe. So happy as a clam, not accurate, because a lot of the time at low water, for instance, the clams would be very distressed. Mm-hmm. Anyway. Let's go to commercial.

Oh, man. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check the pollen report before going on that spring hike. You want to make sure you're not sneezing the whole afternoon if you can help it. Checking First is smart, so check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

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Eligibility requirements open to US residents 18 and older. Promotion period from March 26th to April April 13, 2025. All rules are available in the caption of the sweepstakes post. This episode of Handsome is brought to you by Alloy Women's Health. I just found out that almost half of women went more than three years before seeking relief from menopause or perimenopausal symptoms. Why would we do that to ourselves? Alloy solutions are available by prescription, so you'll need to complete a short medical questionnaire and patient verification.

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Head to myalloy.com slash handsome, tell them about your symptoms and you'll get a fully customized treatment plan and you'll get $20 off your first order today. Head to myalloy.com slash handsome and enter code handsome to get $20 off your first order. So, Fortune, part of the telepathy tapes talks a lot about dogs having telepathy with their owners and like knowing when the owner's coming home, the dog will come go sit by the door.

But this might be a good time for you and Biggie to practice and- He's asleep right now. I think he's thinking about treats. He always sits by the door and waits for us to come home. We look in the camera and I'm like, go sleep, go chill. But he cannot, he goes right by the door, sits and waits and howls.

The whole time you're gone? The whole time. It's comes me out. Oh no. So that's why I'm taking him with me. Yeah, I mean, when do you ever leave him at home? You know, if you go to dinner or something. Why would you go to dinner?

I know, I don't like to leave him very much, but I do sometimes. Do you ever have a dog sitter? We're never gone for longer than a couple hours, so he's okay. He's just, he's a spoiled boy. Do you think I should get a dog? I'm really thinking about it.

I know we've talked about this before, but I don't know. I want an older dog. Did you say no? I don't know, because May travels a lot. But these days it feels like half the plane is. I travel a ton, but Jack stays home with him. Why don't you get a tiny dog? Yeah, don't get a big dog. I think I like big dogs.

Ah. Would you get a boy or a girl? I'd get a day. Oh, yeah. And I'd make that decision for it. Yeah. No, I'd get like a medium sized older dog that no one's gonna rescue that's in the pound

or whatever and then I would maybe have joint custody with my friend Alana. That would be good. Sharing a dog. Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah, because you guys aren't going to break up or anything. Exactly. Exactly.

And you'd be like, oh, this week I'm going to Toronto. Can you watch Foo Foo? And Alana wants a dog? Well, it wouldn't be called Foo Foo. Alana does also want a dog. Oh, okay. Well, this wouldn't be called Foo Foo. Alana does also want to dog. Oh, okay. Well, this works out perfectly. Little bunny Foo Foo, I don't want to see you hopping through the forest and getting and bopping them in the head.

Is that the final recording? No, there's a part that I can't remember. You guys never heard this? I've never heard that song. Little bunny Foo Foo, hoppin' through the forest. Oh wait, hoppin' through the forest. Pickin' up the field mice and boppin' them on the head. Wait, rabbits don't eat mice.

And then somebody comes in and they do something. Mm-hmm. Well, I'm into the plot. The plot's hooked me, but I've never heard it. I don't heard it. But wait, nobody said they ate them. It said they bopped them on the head. Picking up the field mice and bopping them on the head.

That doesn't mean eating. But why would a rabbit do that? If not to subdue it before eating it. Frustrated for everybody being down in the rabbit hole with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just finally coming up and be like, uh-uh. And also, who is the singer saying,

I don't wanna see you to the rabbit? You know what I mean? Well, let me look it up. The Wiggles singer version of this. Okay. Little bunny foo foo hoppin' through the forest, scoopin' up the filled mice and poppin' them on the head. Down came the good fairy and the good fairy said, little bunny foo foo, I don't wanna see you

scooping up the field mice and popping them on the head. I'm gonna give you three chances and then I'm gonna turn you into a goon. I don't remember goon. Do you guys remember that? Well, May isn't even familiar with, well. I have a lot of questions about who the good fairy is. Aren't the Wiggles Australian? I don't know. isn't even familiar with. I have a lot of questions about who the good fairy is.

Aren't the Wiggles Australian? I don't know. Are we going into another Australian tangent? Do you think they know Keith Urban? No. Oh my God. Keith Urban should cover that song though. I know, no.

I know. You guys are in for a treat, because on one of our pre-lo episodes, we go deep into our Australian accents. It was honestly some of mine and Tig's best work. It came out last week. If you didn't listen to that pre-lo episode, I think you should.

Oh, yes. Because the three of us are on there and there might be a rendition of one of Nicole Kidman's greatest works. And one of Keith Urban's greatest works as well. You're right, my friend. And I would say it's one of Hansome's greatest works as an episode. Yeah. Should we get into our question?

I'd love to. I think we should. I'm really excited. This is one of my one of my fellow countrymen. Never use that expression. Today's question asker is a Canadian actor, comedian and YouTuber known for her hilarious online videos. She's appeared on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Jury Duty, Glamorous and Interior Chinatown. Lisa Gilroy is asking today's question.

Nice. Hi handsome, it's Lisa. Okay, here's my question for you. The year is 2052 and you're at the Oscars. Congratulations honey. And there's a biopic about you and your life and the lead actor who plays you has just been nominated for an Academy Award and they say, so and so nominated for life of so and so and it cuts to the big screen at the Oscars and it plays a clip from the movie, a dramatic clip probably, but who knows?

And so I wanna know what's the clip from your life that plays and who is the actor that just got nominated for playing you. Love you. Oh my God, I can't believe she just told me that she loved me. It was forward. I was not expecting Lisa Gilroy to tell me

that she loved me. I know and then she kissed us all. She kissed us. No, kissed me. Oh, it was just aimed at you? Yes. Okay, I didn't pick up on that. No, well.

I haven't been kissed in a long time. You haven't? I'm coming over for you. And how long? As soon as I'm back. I need some sugar. As soon as I'm back. Well, you know what?

I kissed you on Valentine's Day. That's right, nevermind. I take it back. Oh yeah. You gotta get back in person again, we can huddle puddle. Delightful. If only May would come home. May come home.

I'm away. Nobody liked that as much as you. In Canada, they're so mad at us right now, but we didn't do anything. Other people did. Yeah. I think I liked that song I just wrote because it sounds like, what's that one?

I've been out walking. I don't do too much talking these days. These days. They sound like that? I sound exactly like her. Why do they sound like that? That's just her voice. Yeah. It's no little bunny foo foo. Is do they sound like that? That's just her voice. Yeah.

It's no little bunny foo foo. Is there a documentary about Nico? Who is Nico? Oh my. She was in the 60s. She was in the 60s. She was in the 60s, you know. Fortune, go down your own rabbit hole

and find out about Nico. Does she sing, All the leaves are brown. No. And the sky is gray. You just picked a random song from the book. I've been for a while. Wait, is the song,

all the leaves are brown and this guy is gay? And this guy is gay. I'd be safe and warm. If I was in LA. If I was in LA. California dreaming this guy is gay on such a winter's gay. 1952, it's the, or not 1952, 2052 at the Oscars. That's a long time. 1852.

Yeah. That means someone old's gonna, wait. Yeah, this is- Can they play us soon? This is tough, cause it's like, are we picking, yeah, an actor who's never been born yet. Oh yeah, in 30 years? I'm 54. Right.

So what, I'm gonna be in my 80s, and I have to wait that long? I'm gonna make an amendment that someone's playing me soon. Yeah, let's pretend it's next year's Oscars. And I wanna know what clip they're showing, what scene, I like that part of the question, from your life, that is like the Oscar winning clip. Yeah, let's hear it guys, what you got?

Well, any thoughts on actors, first of all? For me, it would be Timothee Chalamet. Ha ha, that's a good one. Yeah. I think he could do it. Sure he could. He'd nail it. He'd go method for years.

Actually perfect. I kind of sing like Bob Dylan. Yeah. How many roads must a man walk down? Okay, it's Chalamet and he's playing you at, it's your life story. So he was playing you kind of from birth to now. As a little girl. Yeah.

And then as an old lesbian. Yeah. I've been dying to see him play an old lesbian. Me too. He only plays young lesbians. And what scene do you think would be like the most dramatic pivotal scene that they would use. Yeah. Give us your best Nicole Kidman level acting.

Nicole Kidman plays Stephanie Allen. Oh, that's interesting. It's Timothy Chalamet and Nicole Kidman. I like it. It is. Except it's reversed, you know, cause I am older than Stephanie. Yeah. What sort of a comment on that.

Who cares, we can take creative license. That's right, yeah. So it's me and Nicole Kidman. And it is the moment that, I don't know, I haven't really had any dramatic moments in my life. I think I'm gonna say, you've had the most dramatic moments in your life. I haven't been on Death's Door 17 times in the past month.

Let's see. What? I don't know. I'm curious. Can you guys throw out a dramatic moment for me? Our first episode of Handsome. Probably one of the times you were in the hospital, right? Like something from your doc and Stephanie's visiting. Yeah. And you don't know if you're going to make it. And let's see what else. And also the water bill has to get paid. I was thinking more about when your cat scratched you.

Mm-hmm. Viciously scratched. Yeah, that's really good. My cat did scratch my stomach. Yeah. And playing the cat is Judy Dench. Equally is dramatic. Judy Dench plays the cat? Because remember in Cats, they did that terrible makeup and stuff. And so Judy Dench as the cat. Remember in Cats they did that terrible makeup and stuff and so Judi Dench as the cat.

Okay. We have three cats. Who plays the other two? Thomas and his wife. All right. Thomas is married. Thomas and Laura. Oh, I know what it is. It's when I, after I was, I had a cyst burst on a blood vessel and I was bleeding internally right after I stepped. I was on, after I had cancer, I was on this medication that my body was really struggling with. I get off stage and my childhood friend that I had not seen since I was 18 shows up in Philadelphia with his wife. And we say hello in the lobby by the merch booth because we were all going to go. Stephanie happened

to be with me. We were all four going to go out for a drink. And I go, and I'm a bit of a germaphobe. And Stephanie was like, I knew something was terribly wrong because I could see you that you were about to collapse and I could see you're looking around to see how gross the floor was before you went down. Oh my God, that is important. I collapsed after truly saying hello to them. Wow. I'm on the ground.

This is hilarious. I'm on the ground. This is hilarious. I'm on the ground. And because it was on a blood vessel, I was like struggling to breathe immediately. I was like, oh Jesus. Jeez. And the security guard carries, he tells Stephanie, pull the car around,

the hospital's two blocks away, it'll be faster for you to drive her. He carries me out the front door of the theater and the audience is still leaving. Oh my God, Tig. And so. You get carried out like a baby several times. Several times.

Oh my God. He carries me out and puts me in the car. You're like, thanks for coming, buy some merch. I could not breathe. I was like. And I was telling Stephanie, I said, if they can't, I said, if they can't see me immediately, just shoot me behind the barn. I was in so much.

Yeah. I was like, just shoot me behind the barn. And, and so we get to the hospital and I went in for surgery, um, stomach surgery to drain all the blood out of me. And they were like, this will just take, um, max 30 minutes. I was in there for it. Cause they thought it was just a minor issue. And, uh, I go in over three hours, Stephanie sitting there waiting for me and he comes out three hour surgery.

Three hour surgery. You've had so many ailments. And then I had to stay at the Philadelphia Airport Hotel to recover, because I could not do anything. And I was in a diaper in front of, we weren't even engaged. Oh my God, you weren't even engaged? This scene should definitely be you in a diaper.

Timothy's winning this Oscar. Yes. Oh, and your friend is played by Lin-Manuel Miranda. Okay. Lin-Manuel Miranda. Lin-Manuel Miranda, yeah. And also Stephanie slash Nicole Kidman is following me around because I had to walk slowly to regain my strength.

Yeah. Stephanie was following me around, videotaping me in my diaper. Oh my God. And that's when I was like, she's the one for me. We were laughing so hard. You gotta laugh. Absolutely. Anyway, that's my scene. That is an Oscar winning scene right there. You in a diaper. Yes. Yeah.

And Nicole Kidman's filming Timothy Chalamet in a diaper. Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, walking around in the door. But she's like, but she's like on a Ottoman, like, um, and the sun's like coming through the window on tour as she's like cutely recording. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, you look really great in that type of TIG. And the Oscar goes to? Timothy Shalome. Everybody in this movie. Tiggathy. Tiggathy Shalome.

And he gets up to acceptance and he's like, yo, I know this is not cool to say, but I tried really hard for this movie and I'm really, I did my best. You know, TIG's one of the greats and I wanted to be one of the greats too. Hey, that was pretty good, Timothy, right? That's how he talks. That was really good.

Yeah. Yeah. That was very good. And the Oscar goes to May Martin. As Tigathy. Playing Tigathy Chalamet. If your dog could talk, they'd beg for Ollie. A fresh whole food diet isn't just delicious, it can add two and a half extra years to your pup's life. That's more tail wags, more adventures,

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slash handsome. All right, let's hear yours. That's hard to hard. Very hard to top. Yeah, mine won't be that good. I already know I'm gonna bomb. You can just throw a diaper on yourself in any scene. Oh, that's true actually. Yeah, yeah. And not address it. So whatever scene you tell us,

we're gonna throw a diaper on it. Go on. Okay, well that kind of works. It's very funny with what I was thinking, which is okay. So Macaulay Culkin now is playing me. Obviously. Because he's got this kind of like boyish energy, but also he's seen a lot, you know? It looks like he's been through a lot.

Is that how you see yourself? That's how I feel. Okay, because you don't have a look of like, wow, May has seen a lot. I know you've seen a lot. I don't look haunted? But maybe if we throw a diaper on you. Exactly.

I just went to an Oscar party. Yeah. And he was there and I walked out with him. We walked out at the same time he and his wife are walking out. And he seemed very fun and playful. So it's a good match. OK. Love that.

I think anybody knows Macaulay Culkin. OK. And the scene is obviously an orgy and this is how the movie opens. The movie opens with an orgy. It's Macaulay Culkin as me in a diaper and the camera pans in and then it freezes mid orgy and then voiceover comes in.

I know what you're thinking. This seems kind of crazy or something like that. I'll write about it. Are you gonna do the voiceover? Like a Ferris Bueller? I know what you're thinking. This seems kind of crazy or something like that. I'll write about it in the comments. Are you gonna do the voiceover? Like a Ferris Bueller? Yes. And you have to do a voiceover where you didn't write it.

You're just kind of free. Improvising it, yeah. Yeah, improvising the voiceover. Go on. Hey guys, this is the start of my movie. Looking at me now, you're probably thinking, wow, what a life, an orgy in a diaper. But what you don't know is I'm dead inside. Whoa.

Then it zooms in on my eyeball and then it goes right back to my birth. I come out of my mom's scooter and then the doctor takes me and then it freezes again and it zooms in on the baby's face and the baby's face goes, I kind of have a crush on that doctor. Wow. May, I have good and bad news for you. Okay, yeah, yeah. I think this is more of a glad award.

Yeah, you think? Oh, no. Yeah, I do. What, you don't think it lives up to mainstream? I don't know if it's gonna take home the Oscar. Maybe we can shift it into an Oscar performance. Yeah, how? Someone dies at the party.

At the orgy. Yeah, it's your best friend. It's May orgies to death. Oh my God. I just get stuck under a pile of people. Guys, let me out. I can't breathe. No, I think the drama,

it's like that Kieran Culkin movie that won all the awards, which I haven't seen, but I think it's like a small relationship-y drama. Nothing big has to happen. It's about my inner child. Life in a Diaper. Life in a Dipe. That's the name. Life in a Dipe.

Life in a Dipe. If you want that Oscar, you gotta put that up. But I think we should try and get a question from Macaulay Culkin because I do, I feel like my gender is very identified with him ever since he was a child actor. I've been like that guy. Ever since he went, ah! Exactly. And then-

I have some news. I just saw that movie for the first time this last Christmas home alone. Yes. Are you talking about, I had never seen it. Are you serious? Do I have to explain? I don't watch a lot of things.

And what'd you think? I thought it was great, but I think that I was much older when that came out. I wasn't, you know what I mean? Like I, I just missed it and I was much older when that came out, I wasn't right. You know what I mean? Like I, I just missed it. And I was like, okay. And then my kids are obsessed with that movie. And this Christmas I sat and watched it with them. And I was like, all right, yeah, you win. It's a great movie. I rewatched it this year as well around Christmas. And I was like, oh,

I forgot how crazy violent it is, but in like a Looney Tunes way. Like, yeah, I love it. And aren't there like 17 sequels? Yes, there are. Yeah, Home Alone 2 is amazing with Tim Curry and the Pigeon Lady, and then they switched kids and it got a little. Oh, I didn't know that.

Crazy. Huh, all right, Fortune, break our hearts. Yeah. Well, obviously I'm gonna be played by Charlize Theron. Yes. Obviously, we knew. We knew. Not monster Charlize Theron.

Let's calm down everyone. Yeah. And not buzz cut Charlize. We're talking- No, we know exactly the glamorous- Cider house rules. We're talking Cider house rules Charlize with curly hair. Yeah. Right, gorgeous. Yeah, the glamorous. We're talking Cider House Rules, Charlize, curly hair. Yeah. Right, gorgeous.

Yeah, definitely gorgeous. And wait, that's the end of the movie? Yeah, she's just gorgeous. She's just gorgeous. For an hour and a half? She's just gorgeous? It's probably an old timey movie. Cause she does period pieces,

like kind of that same era of Cider House Rules. But it's your life story, Fortune. Yeah, but we're gonna pretend that like I- Well, that's a time period, the 80s? Yeah, no, it's gotta be like the 60s. And I'm a closeted lesbian. Wait, but this is your life. This is your biopic.

Maybe this is like in your family tree. We're going to, it's like the prequel to Fortune. We see Ginger in the 60s. It's we see ginger. It's actually my, it's actually my grandmother. Oh yes. But, but she's young at this point and gorgeous. I don't actually come into the movie until the very end when I'm born. Um, and you come out to step in.

The movie's about my grandma. Um, and, uh, yeah, Charlize is, is like, um, trying to fit in, you know, to stepping. The movie's about my grandma. And yeah, Charlize is like, trying to fit in, you know, to be the feminine woman looking for a husband. Yeah. And line. And so we're saying your grandma was closeted. Yeah, why not? Let's say it.

Diakaboodle dude. I don't know that she was, but she was really close with one of her friends. You never know. Were they quote unquote travel companions? They did hang out a lot. And my grandma's husband died when she was like 48 or something and she never remarried. Okay, but you do know the phrase travel companions.

No. Yes. Oh, that's like- That's what they called. Yeah, top secret lesbians. Oh, I don't think she actually did. This is my travel companion. I don't think she actually ever did anything, but I could see a world in which she could have been, maybe, I don't know.

But when's the diaper? When does the diaper, oh, cause you're born and then you're put in a diaper. Yes, yes. There you go. And. But basically, Charlize is engaged to a man and then meets a woman and starts wearing pants

and drives the convertible. Starts wearing pants. In the sixties or fifties, maybe it was the fifties. That was a big deal. They have a love affair, kind of like Carol. I'm picturing Carol. Kind of like Carol. But it can't work because I have to be born, you know what I mean?

So the only way for that to happen is for her to be with the man. And so the irony is that she had to give up her great love in order to keep the family line going for me to her gay granddaughter to be born. I've never seen this before. Give me the Oscar. Where is the diaper? At the end? At the end when I'm born. And then, oh wait, my mom has to be born first. Oh boy. That has to happen.

Can she name her baby after her lover that she couldn't be? Yes, exactly, Mae. I am so taking this Oscar home. Yeah. I don't know, mine's pretty compelling because then the grandma's like, once I get older and I'm in Umbrose and riding my bike, Charlize is like, I did this all

for you so you could be who you are. So you could walk around in your Umbrose. The Oscar speech that's going to come with this monologue that Charlize has is going to blow your mind. And then she's going to die at some point and have a life unfulfilled. You're gonna hate Charlize. Kind of not following the story anymore. But it's worth it because I was born.

Thank you for your pitch. We will be in touch if we decide to move forward. Don't be a hater because I'm winning this Oscar because of the monologue I write, Charlize. What if all three of us are up for the Oscar at the same time? Our bioparks are up. Wow.

Well, we are gonna also be hosting the Oscars. Oh yeah, when I'm 85. Hosting and nominated. Hosting and nominated is really good. And I'll be like, oh, click, click, click, my back. Did I tell you guys? I think my movie's actually pretty good. I wanna get it made.

Did I tell you guys this? When you said about tap dancing that Fred Astaire, when he did Singing in the Rain, when they filmed that, he had a fever of 103 degrees. Oh. I never knew that. That's impressive. May fact.

That's why they call it a fever dream. Sure. Is it? Should we listen to Yeah, Lisa Gilroy's answer. Yeah, let's hear what she has to say. Okay. Here's my answer I think Chloe Grace Moratz is playing me if I'm lucky if I'm lucky and the scene is absolutely me Just like right after I found out I didn't make my college improv team like sobbing in my sister's car Like this is infamy, I'm never gonna zip zaps up again.

Zip zaps up. That's the traumatic climax of Lisa's life thus far. But where is the diaper? Yeah, again, she's not gonna win an Oscar for that. No. Because there's no diaper. And she's not gonna win a GLAAD Award either. Could she win an Independent Spirit Award?

Maybe. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she's not. Because she can't zip zaps up again? I mean, Chloe's pretty great as an actor. Chloe's amazing. And we should get her on this podcast.

Is it Chloe a lesbian? She is. Got a wife, I think. How come all the lesbians haven't been on our pod? I know, did they not get the memo? I think because we're homophobic. Yeah, right. I forgot that we made the rule that no lesbians allowed.

Yeah. And I love that Fortune genuinely is like, no we're not! Tig, we're crazy. We're not homophobic. We find out that Thomas is really homophobic and he's just been filtering out all the queer. There's not one mention of us being gay ever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's dubbed over every time we mention your wife. He's like, husband. He dubs over. Every time I say cooter, it says wiener. Diaper, love wieners. Well, I loved hearing that. I wanna see all those movies.

I'm really pumped about my movie. I can't wait for Charlize to play my grandma. I know. By the way, guys, congrats ahead of time on these Oscar nominations. Yeah. Do you think we'll get one of those fancy gift bags with the free trips?

Is that what they have free trips in the? Yeah, those gift bags. If you get nominated, you get like all this stuff. Okay. Well, when I was nominated for a Grammy. Now I'm motivated. When I was nominated for a Grammy, well, I got a whole package, but I got tickets to see the Jackson four.

Oh, no, they really were just the Jackson's. But they put that in the Grammy gift thing. Yeah. And it was, it was in Vegas. And you know, look, I really enjoyed the Jackson five, but the Jackson's, you know, look, I really enjoyed the Jackson five, but the Jackson's, you know, you just kind of feel like something's missing. Yeah. And like you've got this whole story

of their lives in your head. Yeah. And your cyst burst inside halfway through. No, I actually wasn't bleeding that time. I was just out having a, Stephanie and I had a fun Vegas weekend. Oh, you went. And we did go. Nice.

And we went and saw the Jacksons. Amazing. Yes. But it just was a feeling of something is missing. Right. But anyway, talented guys. Yeah. No doubt.

No question. Oh my gosh when they were their flair as kids their their style their Everything was so off the charts. It's insane, but we all know that anyway moving on I want to say that was a very fun episode and please for saying so yeah, absolutely and um, hey Tig Why'd you just blow me a kiss, Fortune? One finger kiss. Is that one for me? Yeah, that's for you.

Wait, why? I was about to go into promoting things and why are you blowing kisses? You seem high. This is me from the Oscar podium. Wait, are you drunk again, Fortune? Fortune, you seem like maybe you got a hold of pina coladas again. That was fun.

I think I actually do wanna do another episode where I drink something. I think we all should, well, here's what I think should happen is I think we should go, put this on the what I think should happen is I think we should go, put this on the list Thomas, on a tropical vacation together. Oh my god. And sit, oh wait, and all three of you in bikinis.

Oh my god. Sitting, come on mate. Oh my god. Okay, we would have bikini bottoms. We have bikini bottoms. What if we had, what if we- Fortune's got the jugs, so Fortune has to wear bikini tops.

I've got the jugs. What if we had a handsome cruise? Oh, that we should talk about. With the indigo girls. And Melissa Etheridge. The gayest cruise ever. I would love it. Okay.

But wait, we have to go back and really acknowledge how funny it is that Fortune has the jugs of the trio. Oh my gosh. I cannot even explain what Fortune just did with her jugs. I don't think I've ever done that in my whole life. I hope that it never happens again. I hope it happens every time.

That was something. Oh my God. So listen, what I was gonna say before Fortune got trashed and started blowing kisses and manhandling her jugs. That's what I do when the Oscar. One finger kiss to both of you. Okay.

To the loser nominees. Your tickets to our live stream on April 12th. Okay, Austin is going to be the show that has the surprise for Fortune and May. I am presenting a surprise to them. So you for sure don't want to miss this live stream. April 12th, get your tickets. And I promise you,

the surprise is going to be off the charts. Oh my God. Yes. And you can watch from anywhere in the world and the link lasts for one week. So go to our social media pages or dynastytypewriter.com and join us. It's going to be a party.

My tour is starting April 4th. A whole new hour show I'm doing. I started in Savannah, Georgia, then Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Columbus, Greensboro, North Carolina, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids, Minneapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City, so many places. I'm going to be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas June 14th and then you can also find me, well, I'll be in P-Town August 23rd.

And then the documentary that I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, which won Sundance and then now just won the Boulder International Film Festival as well. As the top favorite film of both of these festivals. It's insane This movie is going to very select festivals, but you should for sure check this movie out It is so absolutely beautiful also check Tignotaro.com for Local shows in LA or maybe even Toronto when I go back

I'll be working out my new stuff and that's what's going on with me. I am at Largo April 25th in LA and I've been popping up. Check my social media and then also check out maymartinmusic.com and stream my album, please. My earnest serious music album on Spotify or Apple Music. It's really exciting when people are sharing it.

That's great. Love it. Yeah, and definitely share episodes with friends. And look, I know we talk about this, but really stop what you're doing right now and subscribe, hit subscribe, subscribe to us. Also subscribe to YouTube so you can see Fortune Man handling her own knockers. Knocker, I don't even know her.

And until next time, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check and make sure your oven is preheated before throwing in that pizza. You want that pie to be as crispy as possible.

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