Handsome - Margaret Cho asks about using handsomeness for bad

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

Margaret Cho asks about the dark side of handsome, plus Fortune, Mae and Tig chat about Justin Bieber's monkey, Herbal Essences commercials, overeager paddling, and more!We have a LOVE-themed live streaming show, February 12! Tickets here: https://www.squadup.com/events/handsome-podcast-1 Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster Follow us on social media: @handsomepod Merch: handsomepod.com Email the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey handsome listeners, we're very excited to announce a handsome live show on Monday, February 12th that you can stream from anywhere in the world. Our first show was so much fun that we're doing it again and we'll be taking your guys's questions. Plus we're going to have a bunch of surprises and maybe a special guest or two. So get tickets at DynastyTypewriter.com now and join us. Again, it's February 12th. Your link will last all week and you can get tickets at DynastyTypewriter.com. Hello there, pretty little handsomes. It's your friend Tig. I wanted to let you know I'm going to be working on my new stand-up material in Los Angeles, February 25th at Largo, and March 1st at Dynasty Typewriter.

Go to tignotaro.com for all ticket and show information. See you there. Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers. Welcome to another episode of the Handsome Pod. It's your gal fortune famester. And also me, Mae Martin. Well, and it's me, Tig, as well.

I'm here too. Would you believe? I believe it. Because every time we do this, the three of well. I'm here, too. Would you believe? I believe it. Because every time we do this, the three of us show up. That's true. That's half the battle. It is half of the battle. What is the other half?

Getting through the pod. Looking handsome? Yeah, looking handsome is a good portion of the battle. Well, I'm going to respond to Fortune. I'm going to say, you say you look dandy kid i already said that before i appreciate that you look like a pretty little lady you know we have a new sweatshirt that says pretty little lady in our merch store and i'm gonna be rocking that thing a lot i mean i already i'm constantly like correcting people on my pronouns. And so just to add confusion to the fire,

maybe I'll wear a pretty little lady sweater just to really mess with people. Might as well. You should just create chaos. Keep everyone guessing all the time. We could also make a sweatshirt that says pretty little they them. Oh, that might be good. I could wear a hat that says little cowboy. A sweater that says pretty little they them. Oh, that might be good. I could wear a hat that says little cowboy. Sweater says pretty little lady.

And then a sticker that says they them or something. Yeah. Well, my dream, because I have run into just hairy, burly, straight men that love this podcast. And it excites me so much that they're in on this. And I really hope they're going to kick down the cash for a pretty little lady. Y'all better kick down that cash, baby.

Kick it down. Kick it down. Kick down that cash. I've never heard that phrase before. You better kick down that cash. Somebody said that to me, I think like 35 years ago and my brain went, well, I think, like 35 years ago, and my brain went, well, I'll be using that again.

Where do you think that's from? Do you think that's like there was an old farmer at the top of the stairs and then his wife was like, kick down that cash or something? Kick down that cash. Yeah. Girl. She was like, I'm going to a northern store. Girl, you better kick down that cash cash you're not coming back in this house

what uh what town is this character from the old west that's the town that old west town you better get down that guy now don't you come back in this house if you hadn't kicked down that cash they keep all their money and coins to pile at the top of the stairs because you can't trust the banks back then because they they stole your money you can't trust them now thank you finally all my money's disappearing we're taking down the banks that's where we're going after next if you went and checked your um bank balance one day if you're using like an atm and you look in it and there's accidentally 400 million dollars in it would you say anything that's a lot to just accidentally be in your account that's in my account right now. 400 mil? Yes. To buy me a new propeller hot?

In Amsterdam. Yeah. Are you saying what would you do? People always think they can just keep that, but the bank's always like, eventually they're like, we made a mistake. You're not supposed to have that.

You sound like you're speaking from experience. Hey, don't ask me any questions that's what i always say to stephanie when we uh when we're getting into something i'll say something and i'll say uh no more questions when you're getting into something i thought you were about to be talking sexual that's what i thought like right before you have sex you go don't ask me any more questions no more questions this is a no question zone it's only sexy time or no if if i'm talking about something and as i'm speaking i'm realizing i have no idea what i'm talking about i'll say no

more questions yeah that's better than admitting you're wrong yeah yeah so no more questions now may i haven't had a chance to ask you about this it's been a couple weeks since this happened and i kept forgetting to ask you um you were like all over my google really yeah because uh you had a big announcement i mean like you mean about my relation my relation your relation yeah tell tell you're still together right well unfortunately can you imagine it was a big deal because you guys sort of like a like we we all knew i i honestly didn't know it was like a not like a secret but i didn't know it was i didn't realize people didn't know i didn't really realize people didn't know and and yeah basically you thought people didn't know when you said i'm in i'm heavily involved with this one woman i didn't know they knew who

it was well of course they didn't well i don't know i thought i was being pretty obvious because i we're like all over each other's instagram but yeah it was it was pretty exciting but i did not expect well okay this is what happened parv now can i use your name now parv i mean you you're the one that officially came out on instagram parvati well okay she did so parvati um she's about to be in the in traders or i guess when this comes out she'll be oh yeah airing. People are excited about this show. Oh, man, I'm pumped. It's a reality show. It's my dream.

What is it? It's like toxic lying in a castle. Well, wait, for people who don't know, Parvati is from the Survivor franchise, very popular on there, and this is who you're in a relationship with and live with and i'm heavily involved with and live with and she's uh she's in like the mount rushmore of survivor and i'm like to me survivor contestants are bigger than any actor musician celebrity like i have seen every season really times oh like it's i could write a phd thesis on survivor so wow so you were like admiring her from afar for a bit i mean like

a casual 15 years probably yeah whoa for real what season did she start on well uh she was on season 13 and then she came back season 16 and won that season and then she was a runner-up season 20 she was a runner-up here's my question though could she really survive on an island oh yeah big time really she won athletic she can start a fire with a flint i haven't seen this in person but i i assume could she hide in thailand shout out to past episodes all the past episodes i just pictured as little cartoons and they're like yay so you had followed her and had had loved work in Survivor, you were very impressed with her skills.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, so now I'm getting embarrassed. So anyway, so she is about to do this reality show called Traitors. And so she's about to do all this press for it. And she was like, oh, it's so funny. They contacted me and they said, you know, you have to say stuff about yourself and your identity

so that they know what have to say stuff about yourself and your identity so that they know what press to send you for and there was like a drop down menu of like are you like lgbt or straight or an ally and she was like yeah so i said i'm totally i'm an ally and i was like um you're like you're kind of more than that yeah and she was like oh i i didn't really get what that meant i was like you're like thanks for all the support she's like i'm rooting you on so then she like emailed them back and was like oh apparently i'm super i'm queer i'm super queer actually so forget it i'm not an ally i was like no you're still an ally but you're like i'm a queer ally yeah and then uh so i think off the back of that, she was like, it was New Year's Eve.

And she was just like, I want to post these pics. But we truly did not expect. I had like friends in England being like, saw you in the newspaper. Like, what? It was insane. I can't believe anyone gives a shit. You were in my Google alerts. Really?

What's happening? But what are you alerting? What are you, just on May? No, because we're in the podcast yeah i also know i haven't watched driver in a long time but no because we do this podcast together there was some handsome you know adjacent things right yeah it was it was crazy um yeah it was exciting but positive feedback right positive feedback i've never been like publicly in like like open really publicly about who i'm dating i i'm super private

but i'm in i'm in deep man it felt very it felt very natural yeah yeah so i'm pumped that's awesome ah jake but i will i'm still gonna be referring to her as the woman i'm heavily involved with okay okay but now we know who you're referring to well we always knew but everyone else now knows that seems like new merch the woman i'm heavily involved with with an arrow pointing the other way on the t-shirt yes that's such a good idea that's pretty good imagine if you if you got that on a tombstone like you were buried with your spouse and you didn't kick that cash yeah we should go on a triple date though yeah let's do it for sure we just gotta get

fortune to get a kid oh yes oh well can my dog come yeah biggie can come can my three cats come sure that's very lesbian of you i don't know i'm scared of your cat tag after that oh yeah you got that scratch across your belly You got seriously Attacked by your cat I did but it's coming along pretty well If you'd like to see Yes please Oh my god

Whoa That's straight across your belly It's like a kind of Batman villain Origin story What'd you do to piss off your cat Well my cat uh linus we have three there's fluff skip and linus and linus precious little animal on this planet in his first year of living with us he very sadly got a plastic bag handle caught around his neck. So he was trying to run and get away from the plastic bag

and it was on him and making a terrible loud noise. So it made him very skittish. And it was just sad because we were trying to like catch him to get the bag off, but he was scared. And he's very affectionate, but any slight move, it is like the bag is right back on his neck. And so I was carrying him over to the couch to have, you know, a little struggle time. And when I passed by the bar stools in our kitchen, I just pushed one of them in out of the way. Oh, Lord. Oh, no.

He jumped from my arms and dug his claws into my stomach as he was jumping. And I immediately, I mean, look, I've had cats my whole life. And I have had those horrible moments where something scares them and they're on you and they dig in and jump I have never had anything like what happened that day this is another level this yeah it listen it's on brand for me guys yeah that's true that's true and so as soon as he jumps out of my arms, it was so painful. I knew it was really deep. And I immediately moved my T-shirt out away from my stomach because I was like, I am gushing blood. And for sure, I was just dripping blood.

I was bruised. My stomach in time became purple. Did he know that he did that? No, he's a cat. He doesn't know anything. Did he know that he did that? No, he's a cat. He doesn't know anything. Did he apologize? Did he apologize? Well, fortune.

He apaw- Apaw- Logized. But this is why I'm scared to get cats because- No, don't let it scare you. Don't let me bleeding out. Don't let my cat going for the jugular send you running may you're loving having a cat to me it's like you know when you're playing with a balloon and you feel like it could pop at any minute that happens frequently

i'm always gonna say haven't played with a balloon and I don't I don't know when you know bouncing balloon animals and it's all fun and games but you know at any minute it could it could pop or you know if you have a if you have a relative that's a little scary and you know I didn't know a cat could do that just jumping off of you yeah well I mean he used my body as his springboard and uh his claws just went in deep did you cry yeah did you cry no no look at me don't not crying i did not cry i actually immediately felt so sad for him because i i I hate when he gets startled like that. It's so sad. But people are very worried about cat scratch fever, which is a real thing.

What's cat scratch? What is that? Well, I don't know that you die. I think you have to be like knocking on heaven's door at that point. I think that people can die from anything. Sure. This is the biggest fight that you guys have ever had wait what is cat scratch fever beside a song wait it's a song oh boy two against one yeah uh yes cat scratch fever i forgot how it goes ted nugent Cat scratch fever. That's what I forgot.

Cat scratch fever. We've been talking about it on the podcast. I've been treading water lately. Just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And, you know, small actions like that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now, I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic and it's great. My skin feels better. I feel better. It's just good. So trust your gut with

Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic. Go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome, code 25handsome. I love the show, Hacks, and it is back, baby, for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Deborah Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now, season two left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what?

It's on Max. You can catch up. And I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast but watch hacks streaming exclusively on max and listen to the official hacks podcast on max or wherever you get your podcast i can't believe my cat scratch didn't go to your google alerts but anyway i know let's talk about that as well okay well i just washed it with soap and water and everything was fine okay So if you start frothing at the mouth a little bit, we'll know.

Yeah, you'll know. We'll know. We'll know. Sometimes though, I think about like, if you're a cat and you said you picked him up to take him to the sofa for snuggle time. I mean, I would love, I wish someone would pick up my whole body and carry me to the sofa. But like, that's, that must be very disorientating for an animal.

They get their whole body picked up and just carried somewhere well here's the thing though it's not just out of nowhere i mean sometimes it is if i'm like being a little snuggle hog yeah but um sometimes you can tell when they're just like hanging around they're rubbing their face against the wall they're looking at you meowingowing. They're wanting some attention. And so, yeah. I just want to, I want to go back to rubbing their face against the wall. Now, is that normal?

Is that normal behavior? Yes. Yeah. Because there's some sort of glands that are in the cat's face. I don't mean to like take your Mayfax and run here. No, it's a tic tip. Tic tip. Tidge. It's a tip tip tidge it's a tidge tip and now that i'm talking about it i'm not quite sure what those glands are but something about it feels good to

them and so they they rub their face against things it's like my dog he rubs his butt against the grass that's right he's got glands down there fortune's got a dog who's got a butt it's got gland i've never had a cat so i don't know much about them i just know that everything's on their time right you get snuggle time with them when they feel like it that's right so my current dilemma is that there's a lot of conversation going on in the house where I live about getting a pet rabbit. And it's because there's these Instagram people who are like cuddling them and they're so relaxed and soft. But I know the reality is going to be this like skittish little guy. And I don't think they are that cuddly.

And it's going to be. They can be. Really? My friends have a pet rabbit what you're gonna be dealing with is a lot of poop pellets yeah a lot of poop pellets yeah so i don't know if that's what you're looking for i i made my dad get us some guinea pigs when i was a kid and then i said i would be the one to clean out the cage and obviously i never did it and then he one time he got so mad he went went, they're just little shit machines.

And I'd never, he so rarely swore. I was like, oh my God, dad swore. I would like a pet wombat because they're marsupial. Their poo is actually in cubes. They poo in cubes and they're so cuddly. They're really cuddly. A wombat? Yeah i don't i think it's illegal i think i'd have to be like justin bieber like smuggling an exotic animal over the

border wait does he yeah animals well he had a monkey that got oh my gosh taken from him at the airport and it was at the airport yeah at the airport they were like no man he was like how do you show up we're gonna need this monkey i mean what on what planet do you go to the airport and bring a monkey well he was just trying to bring a monkey back from vacation and then you know how you do why are you so casual about that because you know he was like is it too late now to say sorry i i'm assuming that's one of his songs but i even feel like a lunatic anytime i've had to put my cat in a carrier and fly them someplace much less a monkey i i truly am like this is insane that i'm bringing my cat on a plane i know that's when you know you've got too much money and fame everything's boring to you now so you're like well obviously the next step is i'm gonna need a monkey

yeah and you think i can just talk my way out of anything like no normal rules apply to you like i do you remember um led zeppelin rode their motorcycles into chateau marmont like right into the restaurant oh no not yeah yeah do we remember that well i don't know what were you up to in the seven and i were dining i wasn't born yet we were dining together and we were having some some snacks yeah here comes led zeppelin but you know what stairway to heaven right down the stairway but you know what the fucked up thing is like they i mean maybe that was a different era where that was kind of celebrated but they didn't get banned from

chateau marmont but britney spears she got banned because she put food on her face and she was just having a good time she got banned for putting food on her face for to this day will not let her back maybe google that but i well i'm not even gonna google it i'm gonna say thomas while we're recording this can you call chateau marmont and see if you can make a reservation for britney spears get her back in was that recently no that was like when she was shaving her head i think they've let her back because i i believe uh i i heard someone say that she was uh staying there like maybe in the last year i have britney spears on my google alert i love that on this podcast you can confirm that she is not banned from Chateau Marmont. Thomas, will you please make a phone call and try and see if you can book a reservation for Britney Spears?

I'm Britney Spears. Yeah. I know because someone was- Party of two. Someone was staying there at the same time as her. It was during her recent divorce, and they said she was there i have um pop culture gurus on the ground i guess so i did a weird i did i do a lot of like prank phone calls in in my spare time wait now currently yeah yeah and alone or with a friend or with with friends

that would be really troubling. What if they just did that alone? Hello. Hello. Who is this? Is your refrigerator running? This is Debbie from England. The hairdresser.

If you do get a weird phone call one time that's like, it's your refrigerator. You'll know it's me. You know when you are doing a prank and everyone's laughing and then it goes a little too far and you think who who am i so i called um soho house in la and i said for some reason i said i'm adam lambert's agent adam lambert kind of a niche celebrity who's on American Idol yeah he's not that niche he's also the lead singer of Queen now oh how do you know that because I love rock and roll put another dime in the jukebox baby I also played Joan Jett's mom in the Runaways and got cut out okay

oh yeah anyway I called and I said Adam's gonna be there in about 20 minutes and i said he's he's a member and they checked and he was a member so it seemed like i really knew that and then i was i was making insane demands like i said he needs a piano and he needs sushi and he he wants to practice playing your song isn't that insane i'm gonna eat a bowl of sushi and with wasabi and everything it was really weird though it got to the point where i was like and they were saying yes they were saying yes and and and then kind of none of my friends were laughing anymore and i just thought what am i doing too far what what was the thing you asked for that they were like that's too far sushi monkey i shouldn't be

admitting this adam lambert if you're listening i'm so sorry i don't know why i did that i'll call them back i'll tell them if they were weird to you at the soho house now you know why yeah oh god you remember when you two made it so that everyone with an ipod just automatically had their new album on it yeah that was not a good day. They should do that with Handsome for everyone. Wait, why was that not a good day? Because a lot of people didn't want it. The songs weren't that great. It was one of their worst albums.

It just felt so presumptuous. Unless this is With or Without You, no thanks. You love With or Without You. With or Without You. You know what i saw um i'm forgetting i can't leave every time fortune sings this song there's like every time you sing fortune there's a natural point where i think the song will end like where I think you're gonna stop singing I would say hope it would end and it always goes on there are you I have one more celebrity news item that um about a celebrity not obeying the rules but it's just a funny one to me it's uh I saw it

yesterday in the news that Pierce Brosnan went to Yellowstone National Park and he just thought, I'm going to walk past all the signs that say don't go here and I'm going to get in these hot springs. And he got caught. He was posting pictures from them and stuff. That's his first mistake. That's his first big mistake. I would say it was his second.

His first mistake was passing all of the do not pass these signs and then getting in the hot springs was the second. first mistake was passing all of the do not pass these signs and then getting in the hot springs was the second go ahead me i mean that's pretty much the story but they're saying that he might face jail time and fines and but um also like six months ago somebody put their foot in the hot spring and it like dissolved like in a cartoon to the down to the bone no no i mean i might be that's not true that would be the biggest headline that everyone would be talking about i will say of all the things got yeah of all the things that i've said on this podcast that it was maybe the most made up. I like, I, there's some,

some kind of truth, but yeah, in my head it was like a cartoon. Like he put his foot in and then came out. It was just a skeleton foot. No hot springs for me. Only Irish springs. Are you Irish?

Irish springs. Did you ever see the commercial? I don't know this might be a 70s commercial where the the guy is walking along and uses a knife to like cut part of the soap the bar of soap like whittling a soap i'd like to do that now that you mention it i've not seen that did you guys remember uh when herbal essence commercials were like the biggest thing? They were like in a shower and it was like orgasmic. Yes. Oh, no.

Fortune, you've just forced us to picture you having an orgasm in a shower. Oh, no. With a headset on? I have to sit down because I'm winded. How much would herbal essence have to pay you guys to do one of those commercials and really commit to it? Full, like washing your hair full. One million dollars.

I'd do it, no charge. Take 400 million. No charge. You got to make something. I'd do it for a million one million you wouldn't do it for 900 000 as i said it i was like 500 000 for sure wow you just negotiated against yourself not you would do it for 200 250 i even find have you guys ever on screen had to have an orgasm on screen? No one wants that from me. We just got it from you. We just got it and we loved it.

It was like this though. I wasn't fully committed. I was more just like splashing water on my face. I'm not, yeah, I've not been in, it's funny because when I was on the Mindy Project, my character in the last season gets engaged. when I was on the Mindy Project, my character in the last season gets engaged. And I started laughing when I realized at the end of filming that my fiance on the show

and I never once kissed or like had any sort of affection. She's like, well, we're engaged. We're engaged. Good for us. You sleep in separate beds like ernie and bert yeah you had sexy time on yes and that's what i'm saying is like having a pretend orgasm is so embarrassing in front of a crew of people and and you i don't really know what i look like when that really happens and oh it's just so i don't know if what i look like when that really happens and oh it's

just so i don't know if i could do the herbal essence thing did you have any problem being in the nude on camera yes it was weird because i wrote it so i'd be like oh guys this is hell and then i'd be like well i did write this so i can't really complain but now i gotta take my pants off yeah my pants my panties my panties my panties are staying on i did find it so weird just humping so strange and then everyone else is like okay and cut and just moves on and you and the person are like anyway they're eating a donut like good job you guys yeah speaking of donuts uh one time when i was in the very early days of my acting career i was on the sarah silverman program i played a police officer and there was a little tray of donuts behind my desk in the police station and between takes i turned and took a bite one of the donuts and i was so new that i didn't realize that that was not for me to eat

oh shit so all the continuity was well they had to replace it. But I was so embarrassed. But I have to say, a friend of mine, she was in a movie, and there was some note about her underwear needing to be thrown on the floor. And she thought it meant her actual underwear. Oh, no. Oh, okay. And she took her underwear off and tossed it on the floor oh my god production was getting ready to start filming and they were

like whose underwear is this and she had to claim her dirty underwear. She was like, that's mine. I thought you said to throw my underwear. And they were like, in the scene with other underwear, not your filthy underwear. Oh, my God. That's insane. You only learn by being in a mortified situation like that yes well we'll do that again i weirdly had a donut incident as well filming because uh i had in the scene i'm walking and eating and

talking and eating a donut and um i am allergic to coconut as you know and so when they were getting the donuts they're like is there any are you allergic to anything i was like yeah coconut so somehow it got lost in translation where they said to the chef we need donuts with no coconut and the chef heard donuts made of only coconut so the whole donut was constructed of macerated coconut there was no it was like the only ingredient and so i took a bite and i I didn't want to fuck up the take. We were already so, and I just like. Wait, you didn't smell the coconut? No, I was acting, you know, I don't know.

I just put it in my mouth and then I swallowed it and then I was so sick for days. Oh no. But it's really funny to tell someone just no coconut and they go, yep, got it. So just coconut. Coconut coming up. Coconut. yeah coconut coming up coconut coming up and coming out go on we should get to our question let's do it all right well today's question is from a hilarious comedian who's iconic in the stand-up world uh Margaret Cho, you know her from countless specials as well as recent movies like Far Island

and the TV show Drop Dead Diva and Good Trouble. Let's hear what the very funny Margaret Cho has to say. Hi, it's Margaret Cho. Hello, handsome pod. The handsomest. All of you, the handsomest. Have you ever considered being a cad have you ever considered being a rake using your handsomeness for bad for evil to me is a fascinating

idea a cad a rake can become a heel so easily but it's a necessary part of being handsome is do you use the handsome for the good of the world or do you use it for a sinister end yes that's that's what i i i would like to know and also what do you think about my Veruza Balk shirt I love you guys okay Veruza Balk is a big crush of mine and she was in The Craft but also she when she was little was in Return to Oz from the 80s which is a very dark sequel to Wizard of Oz that is you forget how dark it is until you try to show it to a child and then it's real scary yeah she's cool yeah i love that t-shirt whoa what a question that was amazing i didn't know what the term rake was no no that's another word for cad a cad like a

rakish fellow i suppose i have never heard that I I have a Margaret Cho story yeah give it to us so I was 22 and I was at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and I saw Margaret Cho was playing and I'm like huge fan huge crush on Margaret Cho just like I gotta go see her so excited and I forget maybe we had a mutual friend but we we met and she was so nice and I was like I love you and she was like come out with us tonight I was like oh my god so I go home I get all dressed up I'm freaking out I'm going by myself with like her and her friends and we go and see this like Australian uh drag show but this troupe that are super funny and at one point they're pulling they pull a ticket

number out of a thing and they're like whoever's number we call you got to come on stage and something as soon as they said that I was like I know it's gonna be me and I don't want it to be me and sure sure enough it was me and uh I'm like okay I gotta like be funny but not look like I'm trying to be funny and I don't know what's happening. So I go on stage and they put me in a chair and then this like muscly, oiled up Australian guy is giving me a lap dance. Hello.

Hello. And it was great. But then at one point they give me a metal spatula and he bends over like to, and he's like spank me. And so I'm, you know, I'm game. I'm game. And so I just misjudge it i pull back and i i hit a too hard and b clip his balls between

his legs and he he like screams almost and like squeezes his legs together and the mood shifts every i'm like i'm appalled i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry and everyone just like no one's laughing anymore oh my god he's like limping yeah they and they were all looking at me like what the fuck's wrong with you and i was like i didn't mean i i didn't mean to clip his balls oh does margaret remember this i don't know i haven't i haven't brought it up with her oh my god she didn't say anything about about that i mean in my mind i was gonna like go out after the show with her and her friends and i think i just crawled home to like hide because i it was so embarrassing margaret's seen so many things she's like i don't think anything could faze her

she's the best no margaret is like that true stand-up you know what i mean no matter what she's doing in her career no matter how far along she is in her career. She's always doing stand-up. She's doing theater. She's doing open mics. She's, you know, she's not somebody that's like, I'm too proud to do this. She's just like, she's got something to say. She goes on stage.

She doesn't care. I mean, that's how it seems to me. Maybe she'd hear me and be like, that is incorrect. But I don't think so i mean i she to me is like one of those true true stand-ups yeah yeah she she came up in that san francisco era with those like unbelievable comics up there like that scene was crazy crazy and she like she does music and she does all kinds of she's like a real artist I think yeah yeah I was telling her a couple years ago how when I was meeting with managers um

who ultimately nobody wanted me um but uh when we were meeting they would say you know whose career do you want and I would always say margaret cho i love margaret cho's career her question kind of requires that we actually believe that we're super handsome which doesn't it doesn't i mean maybe you guys i to me as you know i i don't know i see i feel like i'm 13 all the time so i don't know have you ever knowingly used your handsome for evil? Well, to expand on what you were saying, you see yourself, that's like your view of yourself as like a 13 year old.

Is that what you said? Like, I think maybe if I was like a cisgendered handsome man, then I would be corrupted by the power and being raised in the patriarchy you know what I mean but I think because I grew up like a pimply uh you know with a ponytail and and I think that I will always feel that kind of awkwardness inside me which I think is a good thing your 13 year old self will always hold you down yes and prevent me from ever like you know what i mean from feeling yourself yeah too much yeah yeah i mean i was listen i'm not known for

my looks um don't talk about my friend like that yeah do not talk about my friend i don't mean that in a derogatory way i just mean like you know i've always been a big gal and because i didn't come out when i was younger i i wasn't able to like fully know who i was i think the most attractive version of yourself is when you're in your own power of like this is who i am you know what i mean and you know what you're you're bringing to the world I think that's so attractive and I didn't know that about myself for a very long time so I couldn't use my handsome for good uh because I was unsure of myself and my confidence was lower um and I didn't have that rapport with guys. They didn't see me in that way.

So I had to develop my handsome qualities via my personality, making people laugh, drawing people in that way. And so that was where I would be considered handsome more in those days. And I would try to use that for good but could you use that for evil like you're you are one of the most insanely charming people ever like i'm imagining you on survivor or on traitors or on one of these like cutthroat reality shows yeah you'd never i would never suspect but i imagine you're good at like matching people's energy and you know what i mean making people feel comfortable so i get you could probably i have used it for evil in the game mafia oh exactly okay if you're listening and you haven't played mafia it's just like one person's a bad guy and

you gotta in a group sniff them out sniff them out yeah like i was the killer and it was down to me and my friend fortune and and our it was like a big group of friends that we were playing and it was so heated my friend was like she's clearly the killer oh my god like i'm not the killer and i'm like you guys i mean come on it's me think i would do that like and i was like trying to charm everybody and they're like you're right you could never do that and then i ended up being the killer and the whole room was like oh my god so i have used it for well this is all good to know and i'm gonna keep to keep an eye on you. Can we get Thomas to add to the list like a game of Mafia? I would love to.

May, all you have to say is Thomas, add it to the list. You don't have to say, can we get Thomas? I don't want to overstep my station in this pod. I feel like, Tig, you have the authority to ask Thomas to put stuff on the list. No, we all have the authority. You just say, Thomas, put stuff on the list. No, we all have the authority. Just say, Thomas, put it on the list. Right, Thomas? Yeah.

That's right. Yeah, Mae, you can order me to put stuff on the list. That's fine. All right. Put it on the list. Tig, have you used your handsome for evil? Well, I mean, I think similarly to you, I mean, would you call it being a late bloomer? Yeah, for sure.

It seems like we got three late bloomers here. And I was blooming late. And it was such a weird thing to come out and have people attract it to me. I was like, what, me? Yeah. it to me i was like what me what do you i because my whole life and childhood i was just like the funny friend tagging along you know rock and roll guys or the popular girls and so the only thing that i can even kind of say is that i got involved in ways with people that there wasn't long-term potential yeah yeah and uh not necessarily on purpose yeah you're like this is fun for now yeah you know that

they're more into you than you're into them and I bet they're yeah as you're saying that i'm like i bet there's people in the world who would say that we have a trail of tears yeah i bet i bet yeah but i bet y'all both broken some hearts i don't i've not really broken anyone's heart you have never broken a heart fortune never i was always the i was always the one that got dumped oh okay well um there was one really here we go here we go here's the truth no one was like a mutual like a mutual thing it just wasn't working we both knew it but for the most part i was the one but i was also dating people that were like had one foot in one foot out already right but that's what was appealing to you at the time and you didn't realize it yes because i had my own damage and issues i had to work through to finally get

to the point where i didn't want that or seek that out and it became eventually i did work through that stuff out and that became very unappealing to me thank god have you ever like maybe margaret's thinking like like have you like hooked up with a fan like have you ever done that because i know that's a male comedy thing that happens a lot right like yeah male comics for sure comics and their fans i feel like i'm lucky that that dynamic does is doesn't do it for me at all yeah i don't think so i think i want to be the one that's like i kissed somebody once a week like a show weekend it wasn't like a fan well yeah and i i i've certainly i think any sort of interaction i've had with somebody was based on a genuine potential interest or attraction it wasn't

just like oh you're into me so i'm gonna drag you yeah um but i'm curious what would that look like if none of us have used these powers for evil what what would that look like i kind of almost can't even imagine it like what what would it be i mean i do think attractive people in a number of instances have a leg up oh you know definitely like that their their path in certain ways is a little easier but they could be golden handcuffs too like i i mean i don't want to speak for parvati but i think in the early 2000s when when parvati was on survivor and she was kind of known for being like vivacious and flirtatious and it was such a misogynistic time and then that like label was so like they just sort of think of you as one thing yeah and uh involving looks and not the other things you bring to the table

yeah i really not use my handsome enough i guess no now now you're just married with a dog and you you can't do anything with it other than prance your handsome face around the house i use my handsome personality to to meet my my wife i'm grateful for that they had in england uh for a very brief time there was like you know pret a manger that chain of sandwich shop oh yeah i didn't know that's how you said it or how it was pronounced yeah pret a manger means ready to eat i'm always like pret a manger pret a manger like the baby jesus and his pret a manger um they had a thing where they they announced that the staff had the power to give a free coffee to their favorite customer of the day and so everyone was going and being so charming and handsome and that's hilarious and yeah and i definitely would

try and get that coffee and then you're kind of bummed when you don't get it but see you know who i would give that coffee to i'm always drawn to like cute old ladies are you yeah like i like that they melt my heart not in an obviously sexual way i'm not talking in that terms but i have such a soft spot for old adorable ladies like ah i just if they need help like cross the street i'm just like i think i see my grandmother in them you know of course i would be like giving them coffee i'd be like i don't care about all you other people they'd be like stop flirting with me one of my favorite uh moments when i was at an airport somebody was pushing a like 900 year old woman in a wheelchair through the airport and she was pointing to go over to like coffee bean and tea leaf or something and the guy rolls her up to the counter and i'm standing right behind them and she just says yes one ice cream cone please

that's amazing you're like give her what she wants yes make it happen make it happen. Yeah, that's amazing. It's just like in her mind, it's like still the 20s. And like, of course they would have an ice cream cone. And an orangeade. Here's 25 cents and keep the change. One ice cream cone, please. Let's hear what Margaret had to say. Yeah. My answer is yes. You want to be a rake you want to be a cad you want to be a heel it's an essential part of being handsome it's uh an underrepresented

area of handsomeness uh to be a rake we need more rake representation and so i think that being a rake being a cad being a heel is essential and important so that's my answer okay i'm googling rake definition a rake a cad a heel so we need them we need them in our world margaret says oh here we go in a his in a historical context a rake short for rake hell analogous to hell raiser was a man who was habituated to immoral conduct particularly womanizing often a rake was also prodigal wasting his usually inherited fortune on gambling wine women and song and incurring lavish debts in the process wow obsessed that should go in your mayfax what a rake is 100 all right i'm a rake all right let's i mean i just needed the definition but i've raked around town

you're like well that checks out my inherited fortune i squandered on wine i love that margaret's like oh we need more of that i guess maybe she means like we need people who like own their shit and are into themselves you say a womanizer yeah remember that brit britney spears Womanizer, womanizer. I bet she sang that at the Chateau Marmont. See, just there when I thought it was going to continue, it stopped. It never stops when I think it will. I'm a cad.

Yeah, you're a rake. So is that what she's saying? Is just like a womanizer and you've got no problem um just doing your thing you're owning that you're hot you're coming in you're getting the gals maybe i bet there's like a sweet spot between a rake and where i am now of like people pleasing like i guess it is good to to stop you know like uh there's this word like owning like owning your yeah because there's a word um pusillanimous and i love that word and it means contemptibly timid because it's like it's like you're being super polite and timid but it's actually contemptible it's so annoying you're pew salanimous so maybe somewhere between pew salanimous and rake hell hellraiser i think she was saying there should

be a balance like you know yes yes there's a balance where you have some of that and then other people who aren't and that's kind of what makes the world go around well because if everybody was unsure of themselves and not being confident and going you know like hey what's up you know everybody just kind of being their own corner hey what's up what's up what's up what's up bro that's how you know i was never a cad i was always like are you wanting to talk to them over behind me? So yeah, a balance because you got to have those confident ones out there running amok. And giving some heartbreaks along the way. And then you learn from that and you grow.

And it helps you to get your heart broken oh a hundred percent it does yeah it's kind of a gift yeah in a way it's a terrible gift a terrible it is a terrible gift that you want to exchange immediately in a way linus gave you a terrible gift linus really did give me a terrible gift you gotta frame it like that yeah well yeah what a podcast what a podcast everyone go out there and use your handsome for good and occasionally a little bad but try to not be too crazy. Just make sure you squander your inherited fortune on wine and women. We have a very cool show coming up. Our live stream that we did over the holidays was so fun. Broke records.

It did. Broke records. People said they wanted more, so we're giving people more. We are doing another live show at the Dynasty Typewriter, this time on February 12th. It is a Valentine's week of love. Yes, this will also stream all around the world, and you can buy tickets not just the night of the show,

leading up to the show, the night of the show, leading up to the show, the night of the show, and what, a week after the show, you can keep buying tickets. And again, I'm still floored. I can't believe that our show broke their ticket sales record. Oh, man, it's crazy. Let's try and beat our record. I want people watching from all over. Because it doesn't matter if you're in the wrong time zone. You can buy the link and then stream it whenever you want. Have a little watching party. You can watch it on Valentine's Day.

You can watch it the weekend after Valentine's Day. Make sure you look handsome though. Yeah, we want everybody to look handsome. Send us pictures. I might switch it up and wear like a cozy sweater oh yeah okay we're gonna be taking uh people who are listening their questions as well so this show we're gonna focus on love because it's valentine's week uh even if you're single though we're gonna talk about it all you guys can ask us all kinds of questions about

relationships about being single about finding love maybe you can meet the love of your life through the handsome pod i wonder how we can get singles together i want to connect people our first handsome baby to be born like from two handsome listeners. We need to start a handsome dating site. Oh my God. Where handsomes and pretty little ladies who listen to the podcast can meet each other, fall in love. How do we do that?

Seriously, that's a great idea. Put it on the list, Thomas. Figure it out, Thomas. So get your tickets. You can go to DynastyTypewriter.com and watch with us on Februarybruary 12th live or for that following week you got to check out handsomepod.com and check out the new merch as well we got a little cowboy hat a pretty little lady sweater not to be confused with a cowboy hat

no absolutely not a little cowboy hat that says little cowboy exactly it is a baseball hat but it says little cowboy uh i think there's a ponties sticker there's a lot of good gear there's a new pack of stickers with ponties may fact and what a podcast which there's also a what a podcast mug i've been seeing our t-shirt a lot at my shows it looks so cool and the handsome hats and everything they're go to handsomepod.com to to get all your stuff this is something that's new for me stephanie and i have been starting to do a live show oh nice it's called she said she said and it's based on when i used to do well not used to do stand-up but when i would do stand-up and would talk about Stephanie or our family and Stephanie would be in the back row of the theater and uh and I'd say Stephanie is that how you remember the story

to go and she would say in the darkness not exactly and then we would hash it out in the show and so now instead of her sitting in the back row in the dark, we both sit on stage and we talk about things in our relationship and about each other. And then we share how we saw it. And then the other one shares how they saw it. That's great. Yeah, that's at Largo is She Said, She Said. Go to their website. And then I'm also going to be working on new stand up at Dynasty Typewriter.

Go to their website for my tickets and for handsome tickets. I'm the same. I'm just check out my Instagram because I'm at Largo and the Elysian doing improv. And I don't know the dates off the top of my head, I'll be honest. Well, I'm in the thick of my tour. It's going until the end of May. Coming up in early February February I got Denver, Colorado Tickets for the second show

Poughkeepsie, New York, Madison, Milwaukee Wisconsin, Houston Durham we added a second show Then I have LA, New York City Toronto And we just added a third show in Seattle So you can go to Fortunefiendster.com for those tickets.

Oh, and Wilmington, North Carolina. There as well. Lots of shows. You guys, we're just trying to bring a lot of handsome stuff to the world. You can catch us anywhere basically. Basically. But I guess all that remains in the meantime is

Keep It Handsome Pod It Handsome Pod. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at

handsomepod at gmail dot com and follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast!