Handsome - Matteo Lane asks about pop divas

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

Comedian Matteo Lane asks Handsome to choose their favorite... pop divas! Plus motorboating, a dress for three, Canadian Caesars, and *~song~*!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media: @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comWatch on youtube: youtube.com/@handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Some people just know the best rate for you is a rate based on you. With Allstate, when I drive, I don't use my phone, I don't speed, and I pay attention to the road. And you know what? I should be rewarded for that. The more safely you drive, the less you'll pay. Who doesn't want to pay a rate based on your own safe driving? You're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in Alaska or California, subject to terms and conditions. Rates vary by state. In some states, participation in DriveWise allows all state to use your driving data for rating and your rate could increase with high-risk driving. pod cheers oh yeah welcome to the handsome pod it's fortune feimster and it's also may martin and it's also tignotaro and we're handsome yes indeed we are if you like checkered pink shirts hoodies and flannels we are the three you. I dressed like I was going to church.

Yeah, that's a beautiful shirt. Thank you. Or I'm going to a boating event. Maybe you're taking a boat to church. Neither thing I've done in a long time. Do you boat at all? I'm not a boater. I like boats, but Jax gets uh seasick classic jacks it keeps me from

boats i love a pontoon oh i love a pontoon a pontoon a pontoon wait do you know what a pontoon is may is that where you stand you got like a big stick and you're pushing it like in venice oh definitely not oh what's a pontoon is like a big party and you're pushing it like in venice oh definitely not oh what's a pontoon is like a big party boat two against one we need to have a handsome party on a pontoon yeah we love that it's a big like slow boat yeah okay a big slow boat what sounds electric well it's just like a bunch of seats. You just sit around. You float around in the water. You blare your music. You have your drinks, your food. It's not a speedboat.

You're just like floating around, enjoying the day. It is nice to be in the hot sun, on the water, in and out of the water, on a boat with a beer. That's a really nice feeling. Well, yeah. And a pontoon is also covered. So it's real nice. That's a really nice feeling. Well, yeah. And a pontoon is also covered, you know? So you're just, it's real nice. Do Canadians not have pontoon boats?

They do. In fact, Thomas, did we rent? No, we didn't rent a pontoon. But Thomas and I rented a speedboat in Toronto once. Yeah. When I was out there filming Star Trek, I think. Yeah. I guess you've never heard the song, I'm a pontoon. Is that real, I think. I guess you've never heard the song, On the pontoon.

Is that real? I swear to God. Yeah. Little Big Town. It's a country song, yeah. Out here on the ocean. Boat or boat. Oh, that rings a bell.

Or not ocean, not ocean, open. All right, well, we got to wear our Or not ocean. Not ocean. Open. All right. Well, we got to wear our ponties on the pontoon. We got to put that on the list. We got to have it. It's a good time. It's when you want to just chill. You're not in a hurry.

Yeah. It is snack time. It's snack. Yeah. It is snack time on the pontoon. I would be. So my version of that is like, yeah, in canada you got a little speedboat your tube and maybe you have like a caesar they call it or bloody mary a salad no no trying to grab

your salads we're going boating the lettuce flying in that just that healthy canadians i'm gonna need everybody to grab a caesar and let's get on that boat. You got your Caesar? Make sure it's got croutons. Thomas knows. Everyone hydrate, grab a water. It's good to have a water and a salad. What's a Caesar? And a little handful of berries and nuts and on we go. A Caesar is a Bloody Mary, but it includes, you're not going to believe this, clam juice in it. That's what makes it a Caesar and it's tasty. Ew. Fortune's not a big fan of clams.

How ironic. Fortune. Guys, come on. Fortune. I do watch sometimes that reality show Below Deck Guys! Fortune! I have been, I do watch sometimes that reality show Below Deck. And I kind of, I have like a fantasy of,

because that's like a group of hot young people and they're working as the staff on a luxury yacht. And they all are just like fighting and fucking. And it's kind of like dirty dancing, but on a boat. And I could, I'd like to spend a summer that way. Dirty sailing. Yeah, like I can picture myself. Dirty dancing on a boat. Sign could i'd like to spend a summer that way sailing yeah like i can picture

myself on a boat sign me up shirtless i'm like climbing the rigging the scaffolding i'm up at the top of the thing you know and i'm all oiled up you would have been good yeah like in your younger days you should have known one of those yacht situations what do you mean younger days still i'm 12 i know but like is may really gonna leave their life to go for a summer yacht may okay well there's a couple of considerations i gotta take so yeah if i yeah you know i'm not saying never okay i would pause my life something would have to go pretty seriously wrong in my career and relationship but i i think i'd have a good time out in the sun yeah i'd be i'd have some like torrid affair with like whoa the kitchen staff you know whoa oh the staff not even one person

the entire staff is getting it i'd be like before you get to May and y'all's tour affair, can I get some of that pasta you served a couple nights ago? Do you mind remaking that for me? Because it looked delicious. No, but we have leftovers and you can nuke them in the microwave. I'll take it. Because we're busy in May's cabin. Then at some point someone has to say, nobody puts baby in the corner.

Well, yeah. Guys, it's the Dirty Dancing of... I know that line. puts baby in the corner. Well, yeah. Guys, it's the dirty dancing of... I know that line. Didn't see the movie. Don't make me explain this. Now, here is my question. Did I tell you about when I was coming out of surgery, fully drugged and hallucinating? Mm-mm.

Okay. This is back in 2019. Okay, this is back in 2019. And I was so out of my mind on drugs. And I was like, really struggling there. And Stephanie was next to my bed. And I told her that I just want to leave here and go on a boat with you and listen to rock and roll. Oh, my God. That's what I kept telling her over and over. I just want to be on a boat listening to rock and roll with you. That's so romantic. I like that. She teases me about that to this day.

Rock and roll. Yeah. Jesus me about that to this day. Rock and roll. Yeah. I also, I thought John Fogerty was in my hospital room with me. Who's John Fogerty? CCR.

CCR. Credence. Credence Clearwater Revival. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a little swamp rock for you, okay? Credence Clearwater Revival, that's the perfect music

when you're on a pontoon, okay? Okay, yeah. On the pontoon. Or the song Pontoon. Out here on the open motorboat. Fortune! Fortune!

Shout out, Little Big Town. I have a question, but it's a little un-pg but motorboating give it to me so motorboating is like that thing you could do but does anyone do that with you mean put your head in someone's breast and go like fortune marie fortune marie i'm gonna say i'm a fan no way oh my god that's the best fortune's like that's why i got into the sport i'm a gold medal in motorboating. Oh, my God. That's your main move. And does Jack's mind that everyone now knows that you motorboat Jack? I didn't say she liked it.

But it goes on. That does go on behind closed doors at this lesbian hut. A lot of things happen in this lesbian hut you've never done that in may you've never experienced motorboating no no i haven't nobody could motorboat me or may well you have to it's not it does haveies which is where tig's name comes from that is my god-given name tickle bitties my it was my grandmother's name my mother's name and now mine middle name old bitties how do we get on to pontoons and boats because i i'm dressed like I'm going on a nice boat. And summer is coming. It's around the corner. Yeah, yeah.

I'm looking forward to it. Spring is in the air. I'm not a big fan of mosquitoes. I'm not happy about that. Does anyone like them? Yeah, that's a good... I bet someone's got a mosquito fetish. Like, oh yeah, let them suck my blood. My friend and she brought her boyfriend who we'd never met.

I don't think they'd mind me telling this story. We were all like in a park and I guess there were mosquitoes around, but we didn't really, I don't know, they weren't really bothering anyone except they seemed to be really eating him. And it was the first time I'd met him and i just i overhear him whisper to my friend help me what's going on he's like help me she's like how do you want me to help you he's like they're eating me alive it's just so funny a boyfriend whispering to his girlfriend help me do you know what is my favorite thing so far of this episode, Mae, is if you slightly move your head down a little.

There. Up a little. Up. Stop. Cat ear. Oh, in the corner there. Yes. The frame of my.

Yeah. Looks like you have one little kitty ear. Go to our YouTube page to see Mae's kitty ear. I feel like every episode you're going to really crowbar in some visual thing that people have to go to YouTube. My favorite thing is... You're going to want to see the shirt I'm wearing. I look like a pretty little yacht lady.

Pretty little motorboater. Yeah, pretty little motorboater. So Jax gets... She gets really car sick though. Or sorry, boat sick. When you motorboater? She gets really car sick, though. Or sorry, boat sick.

When you motorboat her? She's not the one going... Again, we're going to preface this with, she's not into it. Does it make her laugh? It's a very silly feeling, I imagine. She thinks I'm insane most of the time with most things. Now, Fortune, does your mother listen to this? Does your mother listen to this podcast and does she know that her precious daughter motorboats

her wife? I think my mom does, in fact, listen to the Handsome Pod. Actually, I know for a fact she does. Okay. She's going to submit a question for us, by the way. Right. But what does she think about her precious daughter motorboating her wife she probably like jacks thinks i'm ridiculous

if i was a parent listening i you know i think you know what good for them they're they're all having fun out there i think some of our listeners should try it oh i'm obviously gonna try it tonight yeah just try it and here's the thing you you will both laugh well it's not it's not sexy wait a minute thomas can you put this on the list may motorboating fortune i don't have anything it's like fun for me you have boobs i have moves we truly don't have them well if you're up for it i'm up for it we've been talking about it on the podcast i've been treading water lately just a few minutes out of my day that i take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling

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Just even talking about being on a boat on the water is putting me in a very summery vibe. I can smell the diesel fuel. You guys know at some point this summer, later in the summer, we're all going to be in Toronto at the same time. That's crazy. I want to take you to the Toronto Islands and you take a ferry over across Lake Ontario. Sounds like a boat.

It's definitely a big boat. I know that I'm like immature and I lack a lot of life skills, but I think of the three of us, I feel confident saying that in a canoe, I'm going to be the most proficient. Oh, 1,000%. I'm a good canoer,

but I think you're much stronger than I am. I'll take the stern, you take the bow. I'm going to lay down while you two paddle. How about that? You're getting motorboated, so that's what you're doing. Let's do a poll. Who wants to see may motorboat fortune

i can already feel jex going what did you talk about today oh my god what is wrong with you we do need to uh get our band we've already talked about this get our handsome band together yes me fortune may thomas learn three songs and we could play on the boat in toronto oh my god i'm imagining it like when when the beatles did that concert on the roof like people start to gather like they hear the sound coming over the water and then like thousands of people gather. Yeah. They're like, something sounds very handsome.

Yeah. And we're like, you guys, it's us. It's us. Yeah. It's us and Thomas. We're eating those clam juices. What the fuck are we eating? Fortune!

Sorry. What's this clam juice we're drinking? We're drinking a Caesar, which is a Bloody Mary with clam juice. How about you drink a Caesar? I'll eat a Caesar salad. Tig, what are you going to eat on the boat? Some seaweed?

Some kelp? Yeah, maybe I'll scoop up some seaweed. You're right. Yeah. Dry it in the sun. No, I like chips and salsa and guacamole and a beer or a hoppy water. Yeah. Something refreshing.

You know, I've never acquired a taste for beer. I didn't know that. I don't really love the taste of it, but I've drank a lot of it in my teens and stuff. Like Canadian beer, some of it's like water. There's one called a 50 that's so rancid and cheap well i do like pairing alcohol with food i'm not a sit around and just drink for the sake of drinking my dad was a food and wine writer like through my childhood so he would like review wines and pair food and wine and stuff. That was his jam.

Oh, that's a neat job. I like going out to eat with Stephanie and she'll have a glass of red wine or something and I'll just take little baby sips of it through the night, you know, or dinner. I'll kind of share her wine with her, but I don't even drink a fourth of it. Just like a taste of it on my

on my lips and she doesn't care yeah she doesn't mind that some people hate it they're like just order your own god no because i'm really not drinking anything i'm it's like just on my lips barely you're just getting the flavor profile yeah yeah. I like an old-fashioned. That's my drink of choice. We know, girl. Or red wine. If it's a hot summer day, I don't mind a margarita. I love a skinny margarita. I'll probably drink a margarita.

I can't wait for this boat trip. We're going to get so sunburned. Oh, I'm going to have to wear a tankini. Well, the pontoon is going to have the cover. Oh, of course. I forgot course i forgot yeah yeah yeah if they have pontoons in canada we're not sure i think they do we'll find a pontoon thomas will you google if there's pontoons in canada when thomas was my assistant i thomas is the best and he is like you can have him in any situation he's game for whatever's going on i think we were in austin when he was my assistant he had come with me on tour

and after the night was done and my show was over and i was back in my hotel he just went out and went i think line dancing or two-stepping with people he was just by himself out having drinks and and uh country western dancing alone hilarious that's so funny to imagine i would love to see thomas line dancing have you ever like hung out with people that you meet at like i did it my first show in san francisco last year and and afterwards someone was like do you you want to come to our lesbian dodgeball game? And I was like, yeah. And so then I went and played dodgeball with them the next day. Wow. Oh, that's fun. It was crazy. It was so aggressive. You had a good time though?

I had a great time, although I felt like a lot of people wanted to hit me with those balls. Like, I felt like it was like, oh, you think you think you're just gonna play dodgeball do you like it's really uh they whip those balls yeah yeah they get hardcore about it the sporty ones in our community really get intense um when i was in chicago a while ago i went to a bar and there was a whole lesbian dodgeball team having a drink. They were talking about the game, dissecting everything. Deconstructing. Well, Sandra, you really blocked a couple good ones. And even in the,

even in talking to a gay dodgeball team, the intensity is still there. They're like, hey, we noticed you from across the room. We're a lesbian dodgeball team. And just wanted to say hi. My name is Terry.

I'm the captain. I also am in charge of accounting for the group. They're super organized. Yeah. I got a spreadsheet. And they all have like pun names for their lesbian dodgeballs it's always like oh what was theirs for their pun tune yeah theirs was like sat had sassy in the name i forgot it though i think and they all start dating each other i think

it all gets a little bit yeah when i play dodgeball in a gay league if you're not gonna try to slide in the home base if you know what i mean are there straight leagues dodgeball yeah it's straight women uh it's a mixed group i would say the mix is gay women and women that don't know they're gay yet it's it's funny how you can have a gay dodgeball league, but if you say we're the straight dodgeball league, then you're very bigoted. It's scary. There's a lot of drinking involved in these leagues too.

Before the game? Yeah, some of the straight leagues, they're all drinking before and after the game, yeah. Oh my gosh. And next time you see my lovely wife stephanie ask her if you can see her impression of a softball pitcher from a women's women's softball pitcher well she's because stephanie played basketball a lot in a league yeah sometimes she a side of her comes out right like she came to do a show it was like

right before the show and she she'd been at basketball or something she was like yeah i almost got in a fist fight at the basketball we're like what yeah she's aggressive super really that's so funny yeah because she seems kind of she seems pretty chill but then the uh the competitiveness comes out of her. Yeah, I remember when we were first together and I would go to her basketball games and she was like, rowled up. And I was like, whoa, I had not seen. And that's why it's good to date somebody for a chunk of time before you actually get married. actually get married yeah um because these different situations bring out parts of somebody where you couldn't have even imagined i did not at all imagine that i thought stephanie would be like oh wow that was fun come on let's go have an ice cream cone but she's like up in someone's

grill being like bitch get out of my way. She is a basketball player. Oh, man. That's fun. I used to be in a soccer league. Was this in your Craigslist days when you first? Good memory, Mae. Oh, my gosh. Really?

You joined a team on Craigslist? Yeah. Back when I first came out and I was trying to find friends, I joined a soccer league, a softball league, and a tennis league. Oh my God, that's a lot of leagues. I need to find lesbians. Where are the sports? Oh, and I joined an African drumming league.

Oh yeah, you told us about that. This is like an exhausting schedule. How did you have time for all these things? Well, my career was non-existent at the time so yeah that wasn't keeping me busy I had a lot of time on my hands um those were fun those were my 20s I was just like playing in tournaments all the time are you a good soccer player I'm a good soccer player and the best sport I'm of mine is tennis I played in college and what what's your feeling on pickleball?

Pickleball, I've only done once. I thought it was okay. I didn't fall in love with it like everybody is. I'm going to my first Lakers game soon. Oh, that'll be fun. I've never been to a professional basketball game where you sit by the like somebody gave parv

tickets and you get to sit right by the court and everything in my mind i'm going to be sitting next to de niro and you might be jay-z i played soccer as a kid and you know i i do tread water yeah that is your thing that is true and i do take a walk yeah so yeah nice long walk yeah but i used to cycle 100 miles a day, 50 to 100 miles a day. Whoa, really? Whoa. Yeah. Where? Well, I would cycle. I remember I performed in Portland, Oregon, and I flew out there with my bike and then cycled to Seattle. Or I started in Seattle and went to Portland. I can't remember what direction. Why does that matter? That's crazy. And then I did a show in Seattle. And then I also cycled from Montreal to Portland, Maine.

Oh, my God. And then I also cycled through France. But those days are over. I can't do that anymore. But that was one. Does your butt hurt? My back. You know, I'm frankenstein body but i um you got busted for the uh steroid the yeah i just think cycling seems so dangerous now well are you

cycling like along highways like how are you doing those, it was on like highways and through small towns. In France, me and my friend cycled from small town to small town and we would stop and have like a really fun, you know, restaurant. Yeah, like a little meal at a cute little cafe. And then we would treat ourselves at the end of the night at like a chateau like and the bed would or the bath would be clawfoot and just so so beautiful that's cool yeah it was um it was a real passion of mine in my 20s and early 30s i did not know that about you if you get back into it can you get two little sidecars for me and Fortune? I thought you were going to say for Max and Finn.

Oh, Max and Finn and sidecars. Yeah, I guess Max and Finn. Yeah, I couldn't do it. My butt would hurt too bad. Well, I enjoyed it, but I wasn't competitive. I did a long-d distance cycling ride that was raising money for aids and um I came in dead last dead last that's all right you finished yeah and that the other people were like even though it's not a race they were still racing and I'm like I don't

I don't you can have the yeah the win. I just am enjoying this. People are doing these marathons and stuff and they're like, their nipples are bleeding and they're like fainting. Unrelated. No motorboating. No, they're peeing their pants and stuff like I don't get. I don't get, yeah, I don't get the appeal. Yeah, nothing better than a marathoner who just has to poop their pants

because they don't want to mess up their time. That's so crazy to me. Keep going, Janice. Then you'll hear about someone who was like, didn't train at all and like completed it and came in fourth. And you're like, you know what I mean? People's bodies. Yeah, I remember years ago, my friend didn't have time to train

and she signed up for a marathon. mean she was a runner she i think ran pretty much daily but she said she just watched that um demi moore movie gi jane and like drank a beer and then just ran that's sick that's people are just built different. Yeah, that's cool. Good segue, but our questioner is somebody who is unbelievably fit and chiseled and whose physique I covet. So today's questioner is a stand-up comedian, actor, and singer who's been named one of Variety's Top 10 Comics to Watch. He hosts the podcast I Never Liked You.

And you can watch his latest special on his YouTube channel at Mateo Lane Comedy. Our questioner is Mateo Lane. And I have to just say about him real quick, he is blowing up right now in the comedy world. Such a funny, hilarious stand-up. So talented, a crazy good artist he sings opera he speaks a fluent italian fluent spanish yeah he's gorgeous he's he does like cartoon animation like he's

just multi-talented yeah and he's super nice guy like a real renaissance man that you just don't see in modern day times. And I know that he's finally getting his due. He's selling out shows everywhere. But this is truly just the beginning. He is going to be a big, big star. Thanks to the handsome pod. That's right. Yeah.

You owe us. Just a beautiful soul. So let's hear what Mateo Lane is asking us. Hello, handsome pod. I have a question for y'all. I want to know who is your favorite pop diva? Pop diva. This is hard for me.

I don't know if it's hard for y'all, but I love a pop diva. I know this about you, Fortune. I know you love a pop diva. I know you love your Celine. I like maybe because I was uncomfortable about my femininity. I like actively rebelled against like I would listen to like just like dudes and bros. It's only recently I'm getting into... Well, I loved Bette Midler always, but is that a pop diva? Yeah, she was pop.

She would have been a pop diva. Really? Popular. The divine is in. Pop stands for popular. Definitely a diva. A popular diva. Definitely popular.

Okay. Yeah. Who were you torn between, Fortune? God, how long do we Fortune? Oh, God. How long do we have? Well, about. Well, we typically do an hour episode. Ready to win Mother's Day and cement your reputation as the best gift giver in the family?

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thank you. I have a very huge soft spot in my heart for powerful female singers. Because inside of this masculine body with these large muscles. Boobs. You see before you. Inside of this handsome body is a pretty little lady. Of course. I see her. I see her every time. And this pretty little

lady loves a singer. And you have a beautiful voice, so you probably appreciate the craft. And you have a little pink shirt on. It's all adding up. In modern day times, my favorite pop singer would be Kelly Clarkson.

Really? Sorry, I shouldn't have acted so shocked the running joke right now it's we all know kelly has a very popular daytime show called the kelly clarkson show right yes so one of the things kelly does is she sings what is called kelly oaky which is kelly's version of karaoke all right you figured it out thank you good we were one step ahead of you there yeah so kelly takes all these songs that are popular right now she sings them and everybody the running joke online is like sorry to whoever was the original singer of that song. She just like freaking destroyed. Oh, like she's so great at it. She sings everybody's song like five times better than they sing it. Oh, cool.

I like that. Even Bob Dylan? Probably. I mean, Trevor Noah made a funny joke on the Grammys that says if whoever loses is going to be forced to have Kelly Clarkson cover your song. She's so good. She just has a voice

that's insane. She can hit these notes. She's like perfect pitch a lot of times. And her voice is full of soul. I mean, just freaking get... Any song you love, just be be like can you cover that song you want her to sing it i wasn't expecting i don't think kelly clarkson i think like pop

diva uh i guess like i i imagine like kind of crazy attitude and yeah because she's so no but which is great about her in a way. She's like so, you know. Down home. Yeah. I think I think of pop divas. We'll see. It's hard in modern day times for anyone to be a true diva because then everyone's like, you're a turd.

Stop acting like that. You know what I mean? But we accept it from our older pop divas. Like Mariah Carey, if she's three hours late, you're like, have you heard her sing that high note? But we thought these days we got. So, yeah, who are that we're working with? I just have to interject here.

I don't know if I've told you this, but Kelly Clarkson's bassist, Aynar Peterson. Oh, yeah. clarkson bassist anar peterson oh yeah we had uh years ago in our texas days as teens a little romantic connection oh my god yeah yeah and so are we talking hand jobs What are we talking here? Motor boating. Wait, is Aynar, what gender is Aynar? Aynar is a man. I'll pull him up. He's a friend, great guy.

He's, there he is. This is great gossip. Kelly Clarkson's bassist. Get TMZ on the line. You motor boated him. This is Aynar rocking him. This is Aynar rocking out. Oh, Aynar. Cutie. We are looking at

what I can only describe as a strong and sinewy completely bald man rocking a base. Nice tight muscles. Tight shirt. Mouth agape. Think about Tig right now now oh yeah yeah it when we see each other these days we are there's no stop in the the hand jobs here he is again there's no

stop in the motorboating cute he's got a great mustache oh he's he's got a very handsome face yeah cool yeah he's a cute great guy and she and he's in her band the touring band the touring band nice yeah not on the television show but i went and saw them live and uh he saw me on tv like 20 years ago and was and wrote me on like MySpace or something. It was like, it's like, Hey, and I was like, Oh, my God, total blast from the past. And then we've stayed in touch. And he and his son came over a few months ago and hung out and just a nice guy. So talented. I went and saw but the point is, I went and him playing with kelly yeah mind blown this guy is such a profile look kelly's incredible we all know that but you were you were watching your old no einar like he is such an incredible performer and i think he just was recently

touring with duran duran as well and you know, he makes his rounds with the rock and rollers, but he is so fun to watch on stage. He's such a talent. That's cool. So, Tig, you've seen Katy Perry. Mm-hmm. Did you just whisper Wieners, Fortune? Mm-hmm.

You've seen Wieners? Fortune Marie. Fortune, you've seen them all. So so i'll get you kelly clarkson i've seen a lot of these gals okay how about i'll say i'll give you two and then you pick one and then the winner i'll present to tig with another option like we'll we'll narrow it down of what well there's so many pop divas i'm gonna to list at some point. Like, would you rather? Oh, with dudes? Would you? No.

Okay. No, it was a bad idea to begin with. Okay. Would you rather see in concert Whitney Houston or Barbra Streisand? Whitney. I love them both, but Whitney Houston. I've seen Babs live. Oh, me too memories like the corner of my mind did that remind you of that concert

yeah it took me right back that was did you close your eyes at any point i was sort of watching i was watching Tig's face this is Barbara not Barbara but Barbara can I tell you that when I was 18 and I was living in this basement apartment with this girl Laura Spanner she was supposed to go with her mom to see Barbra Streisand with a bunch

of her mom's friends she couldn't go that's the way to do it yeah and she said well do you want to take my ticket and I didn't know her mom I didn't know her mom i didn't know any of these women and i was like the sketchiest druggiest weirdo and i got so stoned and i showed up at the theater and the mom knew i was coming and my eyes were like bright red and i was like hey i'm uh i came to see barbara Streisand with you guys. Because I love Barbara Streisand. How funny.

I sat with all these older Jewish women who were all super nice to me and really freaked out by me as well. I had my short hair and kind of reeked of pot. And you had a lot of acne and braces and all that? I was past acne and braces. But no one had told me yet that I should be wearing a bra. So I had these really pointy boobs that just were constantly sticking, like the nipples sticking out. And I wore a cross body bag, like with a strap and my two pointy boobs sticking out.

And no one said to me, just wear a fucking bra. Yes. But so I'm sitting there and then the lights go off and people are cheering and the big band starts playing kind of a medley and uh I I've sort of just had forgotten like how important to me she is and then uh all of a sudden spotlight in the middle of the stage and Barbara standing at the top of a big staircase in a black dress turtleneck and one sexy leg like emerges from the long dress and she goes don't tell me not to and i start bawling like i'm just like don't tell me don't tell me not to live just i just lost my fucking mind and oh when she's saying

oh my man yeah when we saw her she ended ended a song with, you bet your ass. What do you mean? She just yelled, you bet your ass after. And Stephanie has it on her Instagram somewhere. And it's so funny because she just finishes her song and yells, you bet your ass. And we were dying. And I was just at the SAG Awards and she was presented. The SAG Awards where I lost.

But she was, Jen and Bradley Cooper were presenting an award to her. No way. And she was there? She was there. And did you talk to her? Well, no, I have nothing to say to her no way and she was there yeah she was there and did oh did you talk to her well no i have nothing to say to her but um she was after the uh award she was sitting like on a couch behind a velvet rope you know kind of like this is my area and you come to me vibe and i just you know i'm like coming out of the place alongside Oprah and Jen Aniston.

And, you know, it's like, oh, what do I do here? It's an embarrassment of riches. She's famously, for as amazing of a singer as she is, she famously is ridden with stage fright. Yeah. You bet your ass! That's not very scared on stage. When she's in the zone,

you would like, she, you know, supersedes that, obviously. I want to, if I really land a punchline, that's what I'm going to do. You bet your ass I nailed that joke.

You have to go to Stephanie's Instagram and look back and see, see this clip. It's so great. That's amazing. So I would say that your favorite pop diva, Mae, is Barbara? I would say it's Bette Midler or Barbara. But is that what Mateo means?

Does that count? Or is he talking like J-Lo and Ariana Grande? Knowing Mateo, it's all of the powerful singers. Translating for us here. Yes. Now, could I go even to somebody who's maybe not as Babs or Whitney, even though I love them both? You can do whatever you want.

Like a Linda Ronstadt? A Lindsay Lohan? Look, love them too. Is Linda Ronstadt the, you're no good, you're no good, you're no good, baby, you're no good. That's a song we're going to sing in our handsome band. Yeah. I can sing that one.

I mean, obviously I love Taylor Day and we all know that. Yes. You know who I love? Who? Is Gladys Knight. Yes. Gladys Knight is where it's at for me. I mean, there is no better voice than Gladys Knight. I mean, Tina Turner. Oh, Tina Turner. See, this is an unfair question. How dare you, Mateo? Yeah, it's hard to pick one. There's Tinaer's unbelievable too what's your favorite gladys knight song you're the best thing that's ever happened to me

you know when she when she was born uh she was born in iceland and it had been summer for months like gladys yeah summer for months the whole time and then the doctor on the day she was born finally that endless summer ended and the sun started going down he said glad it's night and then the mom said wait a minute let's call her glad it's night do you know what else anyway lae proved too much for the man. I can't be treated this way. Nor can Gladys. He's come to know.

He said he's going, going back to find. We got to do karaoke, the three of us. I'd rather live in his world. Okay, the only karaoke I do is, you've heard it, Donnie D's on the back up, drug free, so put the crack up. Oh, yeah. No need for speed. Yeah. Yeah.

Or I'll do like- That was the Marky Mark song that we didn't know really. Burning down the house. My house. You know, the talking heads, you know. 365 degrees. Burning down the house. My house. I'll do that. You can play drums on that.

Yeah. When I was on Stephen Colbert, the talking heads were the other guest. And they were just to stand in the same room was pretty cool. Yeah. It would be fun if we did karaoke where we choose what songs the other people have to sing you know and we have to do it we have to give it our best shot we really like i would give tig what's the one that's like i'm a fire starter twisted fire start like i'm only cracking myself up i I don't know this one. I don't either. You know, Thomas.

Thomas, do you know this one? Firestarter. I think it's three against one. Thomas. Firestarter. Wait, why are we doing karaoke? Why aren't we doing handsome band? Yeah, no, you're right.

We can do that. Handsome band. Thomas, that's a real song, right? The Firestarter one? Thomas knows it. By the Prodigy? The Prodigy. Is it a Canadian thing?

No. Sometimes you Canadians are against us. You heard it here. starter one thomas no the prodigy the prodigy is it a canadian thing no i think you canadians are against us you heard it here you heard it here you heard it right here those canadians are drawing a line uh i have a couple of other divas I have to mention real quick. Well, I could mention so many divas, too. I mean, but these are all my favorites. Okay. But he said choose one. Well, I chose one modern day. I'm going to choose one older pop diva.

Celine Dion, talking about Canadians. This is where we come together. Yeah. And we meet in a beautiful, glorious place. Yeah. Are you about to go into prayer? A new day. You love Celine.

Have you ever met her? I love Celine. No, I've never met her. I have seen her perform in person twice. I remember you were disappointed when she started chatting. And I was, ooh, I have a song from Ryan Reynolds. We're like, okay. Get back to the songs.

Her voice is magical. I think she truly has perfect pitch. I've never heard her sing out of key. What, does Babs go off the rails? She just has a different, it's a different sound,

a different pitch. How dare you? She listens. And Celine can go hot, so high and ugh. And she exemplifies that true diva that like she's buttoned up and she's like you feel like she's unapproachable but she's but then she's lovely and wonderful there's a meme

out there somewhere or a video of a girl oh yeah singing to celine dion's car. Yes. In real life, Celine just listens to her, but is making a very stern looking face. But someone edited it to make it look like the window gets rolled up in the girl's face. Is that on the Beaver TikTok channel? It's so good. She's the greatest pop diva of all time.

Okay, so that's your answer olden days celine modern days kelly clarkson i love that celine is olden days i know i feel like i'm about her age but i guess i might be old days comedian of our time you know like i don't know who would be the one we all have different times that's the thing about us yeah celine is like you know we went to high school together are you picking gladys knight take yeah i'm gonna go gladys i think i'm gonna go so much babs yeah i'm gonna go babs i mean i loved going to see taylor swift that was great but oh right taylor swift that was good and then you got of our time now but then there's also pink and then like there's lady gaga there's ariana garande people there's oh good it's frustrating but i think we

look we're not pretending that we're like oh i love all right like the we're being honest here the three of us about like where our hearts lie and we're we're slightly in the past i'm babs you're celine and you're gladys like that's our truth you know we can't pretend that we'd pick beyonce even though beyonce might be the greatest pop team of all time it's unbelievable beyonce yes have you heard her her country song yeah oh fuck it's good we love a strong powerful female female singer. We do. I'm sure, you know, I bet Beyonce was like, oh, okay, so Taylor Swift is just going to pop over here into pop music and take over. Then I'm going to put a cowboy hat

and jump right over into the spot that she left empty. Yes. Yes. I say that was a smart move. That's what we should do with the pod we should try different genres we should do like a true crime episode and we should do like uh yeah a sort of sports talk sports talk with us sports talk and that's what the show is called sports talk with us and then one of our hand jobs all. Fortune. Am I right, you guys? No.

That's not an existing genre. It's not? The handjob genre. The handjob pod. There's got to be some gals out there talking about handjobs somewhere. No, nobody is because they all have mothers and grandmothers who would not approve. Now, let's hear the answer. Yeah, let's hear what Mateo say hey mom so my pick even though everyone thinks it's mariah and i love mariah carey but

it actually would be barbara streisand so my favorite movie growing up was funny girl and i remember i saw barbara streisand in concert so i grew up next to my aunt cindy and she loves barbara streisand we love barbara streisand in concert. So I grew up next to my Aunt Cindy and she loves Barbra Streisand. We love Barbra Streisand together. And I mean, how obvious that there was a gay kid just sitting with my Aunt Cindy like, more Streisand. But a couple of years ago, she did a few concerts, one in New York, one in LA, and one in Chicago. So I got us tickets.

I flew to Chicago and there's me and my aunt. The second she walked out on stage we were losing it i mean we were crying so hard the only time i cried harder is when i was watching coco on a plane and i was flying to london and a british flight attendant came up to me he's like i've not you should go a bit of the sniffles do you want me to get you something from the back oh my god i think i mean i can't imagine that it's not the majority of people at barbra streisand concerts that as soon as she walks out they're losing their like their brains are coming out of their ears you know it's like there's nothing chill or subtle even if you're not a huge fan here comes barbra streisand you know that was the deal

when when i went like because i wasn't expecting to have that reaction but there's something about like yeah her presence and everyone else around you freaking out you just lose it it's kind of like at the handsome live shows it's very similar to the live handsome shows you're right about that little cowboy when the uh the lights go down and the big brass band plays a medley just to build anticipation, and then a single spotlight appears, and all three of us are in it in one black dress. All three of us in one black dress?

We're all switched into one black dress, and then it has a long slit up the side and oh my god can someone make this for us i would love to be in a gown gaze oh i would love to be in a gown with the two of you would thomas be in there too definitely thomas kind of looks like mateo if i'm being honest he also thomas looks a little bit like your old flame, Kelly's bassist, you know, with the mustache. Yeah, yeah. That one you used to get real handsy with. Flirtian!

I think it maybe was just like kissing zone, you know? Yeah, tipped it above the waist. I can't remember. And maybe i should sit him down and ask him we went beyond first how far did we go yeah mr well thanks for the question mateo lane i look forward to our uh future friendship because i've heard all these wonderful things about you and your talents. Yes. And you seem gay. He is very gay. Super gay. In the best ways.

You would love Mateo. I have to introduce you guys soon. He does great crowd work too. Very funny with the crowd. And then also, yeah, he makes like pasta from scratch and cooks like carbonara. Like he's an amazing cook. Yeah.

What a guy. I think we were i wonder if i've met him briefly um at the netflix is a joke thing maybe you did yeah maybe that's right mateo i'm doing a show with mateo may 11th in los angeles at the youtube theater that's a part of the netflix is a joke fest so nice if you liked what you heard today, get your tickets. What else should people come and see, Fortune? May 18th, Massey Hall in Toronto. Yeah, man.

I'm doing my last show of my Live, Laugh, Love tour. And I have some other dates coming soon. Go to my website. Can I come to the Toronto show? Please, yes. I'd love to. You can do a spot if you want stop can i for real yeah if you want i truly it has always been like a dream of mine to perform at massey hall so that would be kind of crazy i'm happy to have you it's up to you it's totally up

to you if you want to do a spot or if you want to watch whatever you want oh my god let me know closer to time if i planned this really elaborate thing, like I took it and ran with it. So I got the band, I got the black gown. We have to get our six-legged gown. We have to. I think our handsome listeners would love to see you

if you want to pop on. If we were ever asked to host like a uh um award show or if we were presenting i would show up in a six-legged uh gown and and i picture us all facing out like we can't see each other yeah you know we have slits for our legs and we have to do we should host an award show thomas put on the list yeah uh tig what do you got coming up well it's just the regular old run-of-the-mill tig stuff where i'm working out new material locally in los angeles and um if you want to see me you better come out to those los angeles shows because as it stands now there is no plans for a future tour in my life so that's all i'm saying oh my god maybe you're like barbara streisand

yeah you're gonna do it when you feel like it that's right if i feel like it you're a stand-up diva this old bag of bones has been on tour for 28 years about so I'm working out material locally and enjoying that oh and my special on Amazon called hello again check that out my wife Stephanie directed it She did a wonderful job. Nice. What about you, Mae? I'm just, I think, nothing. I mean, maybe I'm going to be at Massey Hall with you. I don't know. Yeah. But no, I think I'm going to be doing some new material around Toronto.

And so just check out my Instagram because I'm going to be filming all summer. And then, yeah, just do, you know. Doing your May thing. May thing. May thing. You better be spending your time gathering facts. Oh, I'm always doing that. Yeah.

What else is there to do? Except for subscribe. Oh, oops. There's nothing else to do but subscribe to the podcast and subscribe to our YouTube channel. Yeah, why not? Why not? Get over there.

Also, rate us and give us a comment. We do welcome five-star reviews. Let us know. Maybe on social media, let us know the funniest clip of a pop diva. Tag me in your favorite clip of a pop diva. You're like your favorite. Tag me in your favorite clip of like a pop diva. Funny moment. You bet your ass. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to go and watch that one. All right. Well, until next time. Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com

and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast!