Handsome - Melissa Etheridge asks about getting it on

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

Music icon Melissa Etheridge asks about what kind of music the Handsome hosts play when they're... let's just say *getting handsome*. Plus lots of singing, Mae getting distracted, and "I have two"!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Handsome Pot. Cheers! Chattin' with friends on the handsome pod. Chattin' with friends on the handsome pod. Cheers. Hi, it's your friend Tigno Taro. And me, May Martin. And me, Fortune Feimster. Right here on the handsome podcast. Still workin' the kinks out. We really nail our intros, I think go. Yeah, yeah. Don't wanna step on anything.

And then we just step all over everything. Yeah. Aw. Like you know that game where you have to each say, you have to count to 10 without saying it at a number at the same time? You got your eyes closed in a group, and so you're like, oh, I'm gonna do this.

And then you're like, oh, I'm gonna do this. And then you're like, oh, I'm gonna do this. And then you're like, oh, I'm gonna do this. And then you're like, oh, I'm gonna do this. And then you're like each say, you have to count to 10 without saying it at a number at the same time? You got your eyes closed in a group, and so you're like, one, two. Oh, are you messed up? No, that was it.

Why'd you mess up? I thought we were supposed to say it at the same time. No, you're out if you say it at the same time. So you close your eyes and you're trying to get to 10. Is this fun to listen to? Okay, let's try it. Ready? One.

Two. Three. Wait, what's happening? Five. Six. Seven. Oh, I fucked it. That's a fun game people can play at the family dinner table.

I don't like games. You don't like a leisurely game of Monopoly? I mean, if I must. I just really am not. Like going to game night and like all that kind of stuff. I'm like, he's really. Oh, I love a game night. Me too.

I love a game night and I love a gay night. Gay games. Gay games. Have you guys, it's early this morning. Have you had breakfast? No breakfast, just coffee. Wow. It's lunchtime where I am.

Oh right, of course, of course, of course. I went to a premiere last night, so. Whoa. What was the premiere? I had a late night. What was it? The Bob Dylan movie. Oh yeah. I completely know. How was it? Really Bob Dylan movie. Oh yeah. Completely unknown. How was it?

Really good, really good. My FUBAR co-star Monica Barbaro, she is in it. Playing Joan Baez. Oh my god. Oh nice. Whoa, imagine getting that part, fuck. I know, a great part and she killed it. She would come to set, she was filming both simultaneously

at one point and would come to set. She was filming both simultaneously at one point and would come to set with her guitar. She had to learn how to play like 11 songs and the guitar. She had to learn how to play the guitar for you? Yeah, she never played. Okay, if you guys were playing someone in a biopic, who would you wanna play? All right, fine, Charlize Theron.

All right, fine, Charlize Theron. All right, fine. Everyone says I'm an old looking JoJo Siwa. Who is that? She's like a young pop star. Oh, you don't know who JoJo Siwa is? Like a young queer pop star. Yeah. She's out now?

Yeah, that's so funny. Yeah, she's like early 20s, right May? Yeah, she's young. 21 maybe. And you look like an old, what is her name? Jojo Siwa. Jojo Siwa, she's part of the culture. Yeah.

And she was the kid performer that were the big bows. Wait, what do you mean she's part of the culture? Which culture? What culture? Like, people talk about her a ton on TikTok and stuff. Oh, okay. She was the kid performer that was huge who wore the big bows. She was from Dance Moms.

Is that where she came from? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And then she made albums and stuff and then she came out and then I guess doesn't, now I don't think she does the big bow anymore. Doesn't do the big bow, but she does do like wild dance moves.

Wait, she came out of the closet? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And her songs, Karma's a bitch, I shoulda known better. Okay, I see why people say that about you now. Yeah, you've gotta do this biopic. She does a dance. It would be so funny if you did a biopic

of a living pop star who is 21. And you played her. Yeah. She'd be like, why? But it'd be fun to do a biopic, like what you expect is gonna happen in the future. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that would be a fun movie to do.

It's like you write where you think this person's life is headed and pass old fortune. She's watching it, she's like, what, you think I'm gonna work in a pet store eventually? I'm telling you guys, when my special came out, crashing it on Netflix, and I was doing it on the press, all the comments kept saying, this looks like JoJo Siwa or an old JoJo Siwa.

Really? I have to Siwa this person, hello. You gotta Siwa. Uh-huh. I would wanna play, I mean I'd wanna play like River Phoenix or something, but who would I be good at playing? Probably like Judi Dench or something.

Like I'd like. You'd be good at playing Judi, let's hear it. I can sort of imagine. Yeah, so it starts with, I'm like Judi in her late 30s and pottering around England. Maybe I'm doing a play or something and then I hit it big and I'm sort of quivering, like smoking a cigarette with a quivering hand and kind of being

like, well darling, we must get the scripts or else I can't do it. She can't do a movie without a script, famously. I love that. And then what is your River Phoenix, just in case? It's sort of, you know, like how I am now. No, it's sort of like, I would just do the monologue from Stand By Me, where he's like, yeah, I took the milk money. You knew I took it. Hell, even Vern knew I took it. I could see that as well.

God, even Vern knew. Even Vern knew. Who would you play, Teg? Bob, Tom Cruise. Bob Dylan, I was gonna say, but I think you could do a cool Dylan. You know who I used to get told that I looked like was Ally Sheedy, remember her?

Yeah. Is she at Breakfast Club? Yeah, she was in Breakfast Club. Oh, maybe I'd be Chrissy Hynde from The Pretenders. Oh, that would be electric. Woogie, woogie, woogie, woogie. And would you do the songs? Would you sing or would you lip sync?

Oh, I'd have to lip sync. I don't know if you saw me sing Adele's Hello. But yeah, no, I wouldn't sing, but I would play guitar. I know how to play guitar. Yeah. Oh, that's good. And I know Chrissy Hines moves. Like, I know.

Hey. I do Chrissy Hines. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube. I'm doing Chrissy Hines moves like I know. Hey. Chrissy Hines. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube. I'm doing Chrissy Hines. Yeah, Tom Cruise or Chrissy Hines. Yeah.

But I don't think I can do the action and whatever kind of risky stuff that Tom Cruise. Risky business. You know, I have a couple of motorcycles in real life, but I'm not going to drive them off a cliff. Sorry, wait, you currently now have a couple of motorcycles? Yeah, I have a couple of vintage motorcycles that I'm actually going to sell. So I'll take them off your hands. No, but I would learn and to ride a hog that you once rode. I'd love that.

Not only is it a hog I once rode, but you know who owned it? Two people before me was the guitarist of deaf leopard, Phil Colin, the blonde, the blonde haired short blonde haired guitar player. Wait, not to be confused with Phil Collins. Yeah. Phil Collins, the lead singer drummer of Genesis. Completely different person. Phil Collins is one of the previous owners of the motorcycle. That's amazing.

And I have two Honda CB350s. They're so adorable. One is from 1969, one is from 1970. And one is gold, and I call that one Goldie Honda. Okay. Oh my God. And then the blue one, it's teal colored blue. I call, do you wanna guess?

Wait. Blue Honda. There's Goldie Honda and. Oh, Kurt Russell Honda. Kurt Russell is my other one. Oh, so it's not a pun on blue. It's just Kurt Russell. No, it's just Kurt Russell is the other one.

That's so good. So if anyone's interested in buying Goldie Honda and Kurt Russell, I will sign it and you can come pick it up. That's so funny. This might be the gayest conversation we've ever had. Is it really? Yeah. Even when I talked about how hot Pitbull was?

That was pretty gay. That was the least gay we've ever been in. Yeah, you talking about your motorcycles, your dyke days. Yeah. I'd be nervous to, well, yeah, I can't even drive a car, but I'd be nervous on a motorcycle for sure. Please don't ride motorcycles in LA, they're so dangerous. So dangerous, right? A big gust of wind, I'm fluttering away.

Or just a giant car with someone on their phone. Yeah. I stopped riding. I stopped riding after I got sick in 2012 because I was like, oh boy, I don't wanna push. I don't wanna push my luck in any direction here. So I stopped riding. You got your cancer and then you're on a motorcycle

and wipe out. Yeah, no thanks. So I just, I have those bikes that I'm going to clean up and get rid of. I rented a scooter once in Switzerland. And what was its name? I didn't come up with a name for it, but I was zipping around that place on this little scooter. I thought I was so cool.

It is a really liberating feeling. I had my friend rent a one in Nepal and we drove around and I'm sure I was close to death so many times. Jack's had a scooter in Chicago when I met her. Really? That's a cool image. And so for our first year together, some might see us bopping around the city, me riding bitch.

Riding bitch? I've never heard that. You were riding bitch. You've never heard riding bitch. I've never heard riding bitch. Two against one. I was riding bitch behind Jax. I was holding on for dear life.

Wow. Was she good or was she like... She was great. Okay. She's got those long legs and so she kept it steady. Well that's her personality. She you know, keeping it steady. She's a steady person.

And then we would go out. It was fun but like Chicago's dangerous too. We would ride it during the day and it would be gorgeous. And then we'd stay out too late and it'd be nighttime. And then it was freezing. And so then we're riding home like shaking. Like. And did she give you her coat?

No. I've never been colder in my life than on the back of that scooter. Would you guys date, I'm just picturing, cause I was picturing you guys on the scooter and kind of the shape of it. And then I was thinking, would you date a centaur where it was like, she's the top half of her all woman

and you're in love with her. It's Jax and Stephanie, like you love them, but their bottom half is horse. Just don't look down. No. That would be hard. But it's still them. I can say for sure I would not.

Oh really? I mean there's no like, there's no like, oh let me see. Til horse to us part. You're gonna have horse shit all around the house. You know. How they gonna get in bed?

Yeah. How they gonna put pants on? I mean, oh I know how you can get them in bed. You just go. Yeah. I'm not even gonna put pants on. I mean, oh, I know how you can get them in bed. You just go. Chk, chk, chk, chk, chk, chk. Yeah. It feels like at that point, Jackson and Stephanie should be together

because they're both centaurs. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So it's two against one that I'm like. Femme on femme centaurs. I'm like pretty into it, I think. You are? Really? Yeah, like the power, like horsepower, right?

Like those rippling muscles. Oh. Yeah, I guess it's, if that's what you're interested, if you're looking for that, this would be a real dreamy situation. I didn't know I was looking for that. I don't- Is it Jackson Stephanie or someone else? Yeah, have you been fantasizing about our wives?

As centaurs? Cause that's fine. I mean, yeah, or even not, you know. Because we've divorced them at this point, so I guess it's fine. Yeah, if they're- I let them off to pasture. Like, whoever wants this. Handsome is sponsored by Haya Children's Vitamins. Haya has done something very cool. They've created a super powered chewable vitamin without all the other bad stuff that's

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I learned my favorite May fact I've ever learned the other day. What is it? Thanks. Thank you for the enthusiasm. No, hold on. Yeah. What is it? Um, okay. That was a believable TIG. I want to know. Go to YouTube and see on my face. I've never seen your face look more black. Okay, this is true. I mean, don't Google it, but because I haven't done in depth research into it, but I've from

multiple sources. So to me, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So when they were making the Wizard of Oz, they couldn't find a coat for the wizard. And the costume department was like, we got to find the perfect coat for the wizard himself in Oz, like a shabby but elegant, long dark green coat. And they're looking everywhere. Like it has to be perfect. They went to Chicago and New York and met with

designers and they just couldn't find one. Then they were getting on the train to go back to LA and they go, they stop in't find one. Then they were getting on the train to go back to LA and they go, they stop in this vintage shop while they're waiting for the train and they find the perfect coat. It's the coat that you see in the movie. It's like dark green, long, perfect coat. They love it.

They bring it to the actor, Frank Morgan, who's playing the wizard. And you don't know if this is true? I've seen- This detailed story. I've seen multiple articles. So that's what I'm going with. I don't want to know if it's debunked, you know what I mean? But multiple sources. So he puts it on and he's like, I love it. It fits him perfectly. But he's like, it is hot and I'm sweating a lot. And they're like, okay, we'll take the lining out. They go to take the lining out and there's a name badge sewn into it.

And the name is? Dorky. Frank L. Baum, the writer of the books. The writer. The writer of Wizard of Oz. And they contact his widow and they say, "'We found this coat. Did this belong to Frank Baum?' She's like, yes. She has photographs of him wearing it.

And that's the coat that they wear in the movie. No way. That's so, that is insane if that is true. It's even insane if it's not true. Yeah, it's more insane if it's not true because somebody. But it's more crazy if it is true. I know. That's where the name Alphaba came from for Wicked.

What do you mean? Frank L. Baum. It was the closest thing he could get. The person who wrote Wicked said it was like the closest he could get to sounding like Frank L. Baum, Alphaba. I had a really interesting, crazy thing happen. Tell me.

This was years ago. And before I tell this story, I need both of you to not doubt this, because I'm 1 million percent positive this is correct. I don't doubt anything ever. That's why I live in this magical world. Okay. When I was in high school, my mother got me some hiking boots. The company was called Hi-Tech and they were purple. Not my favorite color, but whatever, I wore them.

I had them for years and even though I didn't love the color, they grew on me. I wore them forever. So the sole of the shoe, the rubber starts to peel apart from one of my high tech hiking boots to where when I walked with it, it flip flopped and you know, uh, and so I was like, I think it's time to get rid of these. So something I often do with clothes, instead of donating to like Goodwill, I'll go to like a closed dumpster or something and put it on top of the dumpster, around the dumpster, just, you know, for people to take. Okay. I did that. I put my high tech shoes on a dumpster. I have goosebumps.

You're like, somebody's going to want this floppy boot. A couple of years later, I am walking. Years later. May. I'm walking down Sunset Boulevard. Yeah. walking down Sunset Boulevard and a woman pushing a grocery cart down Sunset Boulevard who I believe was unhoused,

was wearing purple high tech hiking boots with one shoe with a sole that was flopping as she walked. shoe with a soul that was flopping as she walked. And I was like, oh my God, there are my high tech hiking boots from high school. I believe it. Guys, come on. I believe it 100%. I've told people that story and they're like,

I doubt those were your high tech. And I'm like, those were my shoes. What if those shoes all came loose so anyone who has a pair has one floppy shoe? No, you know your shoes. People, you know your shoes. It was such a specific look, these hiking. And they were so from, you know, the,

I don't know if it was late 80s, you know? I'm telling you, these were my shoes. Were you tempted to be like, hey, where'd you get those? No, I was not, because I'm certain that maybe she didn't even get them from the dumpster that I left him at. Maybe they were somewhere else. But I probably should have, now that I'm telling a story, I should have probably glued them before I donated them on top of a dumpster.

But I didn't, okay? I'm a terrible person. But that was a crazy like, wow. It was one of the wildest things. I love that. Seeing that all those years later. I once did a sketch at the Groundlings where I played a Girl Scout. Did I tell you the story about Kristen Wiig?

No, I don't think so. Well, of course I was playing a Girl Scout. Shout out Girl Scouts. Oh boy. You know those were my glory days. Yes. And I played a Girl Scout who was getting interrogated because she ate all the cookies.

I'm in. I will watch an hour of that. And I had chocolate all over my face saying, I didn't eat the cookies, who ate the cookies? And Kristen Wiig was in the audience and afterwards she said, I couldn't pay attention at all during that sketch because you were using my childhood book bag or whatever you call satchel. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So she had cleaned out her closet when she was in the groundlings and just threw a bunch of stuff in the attic. Oh, how funny. In case anybody needed them. No way. But for years, it was a mess and no one knew what anything was and I was broke.

So I went up there to scour through all the stuff for sketches and for costumes and stuff and just grabbed a book bag at one point. That's crazy. It was her childhood book bag that she'd used from like five years old till high school and took it. Five years old till high school? Yeah, she said she used to like her whole childhood. Oh my God. And then toss it in there and I'm in the sketch and she's like staring at her old book bag. That's hilarious. I love this kind of thing.

Like, did you see there was a thing online that they found behind a locker in a high school, a purse belonging to a student from the 1950s? And they opened it up and all her stuff was in there. And it was all like, a pen, a ticket to the Mardi Gras. Or like 1950s stuff. Not, that was a bad example, but you know what I mean. A ticket to the Mardi Gras.

A ticket to the Mardi Gras. A ticket to the Mardi Gras in the 50s. A pen and a ticket to the Mardi Gras. I do love the idea of like a time capsule. No one does that anymore. I do. Put it on the list of like a time capsule. No one does that anymore. I do. For my own life, I have an ongoing time capsule.

But do you bury it in your backyard? No, I have it in my garage and it's something I go through regularly and then I get rid of some things that I don't feel attached to. Connected to. Yeah, and when I pack my time capsule, anything that's in there, I feel attached to in my past.

And then each time I go through it, I'm less attached to certain things and we'll get rid of them, but I have a time capsule. It's not buried, but it is in my. Oh, I can't believe you have one. That's pretty cool. Is it like a scrapbook? Like you're gluing stuff in? No, it's like a cabinet. Cool.

Yeah. So anyway. Do you have any old ponties in there? It's only old ponties. It's just all... That's how you might feel as attached to these ponties anymore. My ruffled ponties. How you measure out your life according to your ponties.

What would our handsome time capsule be? Well, Girl Scout cookies. Someone told me last night at the premiere that being a pineapple apart lives rent free in their head. Oh, that's great. We'd have to have a pineapple. That's very perishable though.

It might rot. So far this is all perishable fruit. And also a propeller hat. Propeller hat. Propeller hats. Propeller hat. Little cowboy, some of our merch probably. Yeah, it's just our merch.

Our handsome hoodie and our little cowboy hat. Cowboy hat, a propeller hat, ponty's. Lots of ponty's. Fortune's Girl Scout uniform. I want one of. Yeah. I actually think I still have the sash. Do you really? Okay, that's good. Yeah, come on.

Can we put one of Fortune's plastic plants in? This guy's ready to go. Plastic plants do you have to to guys. I've been trying to hide my accent all this time. It just slipped out. I have to. I have to. I mean, I don't know why it came out like that. I have two plants.

I don't know why it came out like that. This one here. Oh no, three, we have three. Three plants. And they all look great. Yes, yes. How boring would my background be right now if I didn't have this face paddle plant.

Oh, you know what we should also put in our time capsule is a ghost. Oh, yeah, ghost. 100% yeah, ghost. Yeah, ghost. Do you guys wanna pull a tarot card? Yeah, please. I bought this little deck.

Yeah, ghost. Yeah, ghost. I bought this deck and I said to myself when I bought it, wouldn't it be cool if I had this till I died? Like, I don't treat my belongings very well. And I thought, I'm going to be buried with this deck of tarot cards. It's going to be like Kristen Wiig's backpack. Yeah.

Okay, what question should we ask the deck? I want to know... Will we go past April? Yeah, are we going to make it past April? Is this a group question or is this our own? Oh, we could do singles. You have something on your mind, Tidge? I do.

I want to know, am I going to be based in Los Angeles or Toronto next year? You mean this year 2025? 2025. Wow. Okay, okay. You tell me when, cause I'm sort of ruffling around. I'm tired of you being in Toronto.

Fortune's sick of it. Okay, now. Oh, love it. Okay. I'm running it to your wife at events by herself. Wow. It's the major, major to your wife at events by herself. Wow. It's the major arcana. It's the magician.

And I don't know if any of our listeners really know like anything, Tarot, anything, really know anything. Please. Because, okay, I'm Googling the magician because I lost the little book that says. No, you need the book. The book's important. I think it's in the other room.

Wait, I want my money back. It's another room, I don't wanna get up and get it. You pull a card and Google? It feels less magical when Google's involved. Yeah, it's like I could Google, am I gonna be in Toronto or LA next year? I need a leather bound book telling me this. Okay, The Magician.

Power, influence, willpower, resourcefulness, skill, ability, logic, intellect, concentration, and psychic powers. This is a very strong card, Tig, but in terms of travel... Not travel. Will I be based here? I don't know where you'll be. You'll be powerful. Okay. We have more questions than we started with. And I'm really Googling hard here. No, I can tell. Look at your face.

I have truly never seen somebody Google that hard. In public, especially. I know, in public. I'm just publicly Googling. Go to YouTube if you want to see what May looks like Googling really hard in public. I mean, this is, it's uncomfortable to be honest. I just love the enthusiasm of like, this card. Oh my God, is this a good card? And then we're like, what does this mean? It says you, okay, you're, you might feel unsure about what to do, but in

simple words, the magician card is like a magic wand. It can mean making your dreams come true, healing in your life, thinking about spiritual things, and feeling a connection to something special. In love, it's about turning your romantic wishes into reality. It's kind of saying you can do whatever you want. You can do what you want, yeah.

Great. There we go, man. All right, that's all I need to hear. You can do whatever you want, Teg. You're the boss of you. Okay, thank you. Fortune, you wanna do a quick one? Jax is the boss of you.

Mm-hmm. She the boss. She ain't the boss. Sure, that one was very successful. Let's continue. Oh, man. All right, and pull. Oh wait, what'd you ask it?

Or you don't have to tell us. Oh yeah. I didn't think a question was important. Just pull. Does anyone have a question for me? What will you? Will fortune be treading? Treading in water?

Just in general for? Treading in treading, will it be a year of good health? Okay, you tell me one. No! The sun! Oh, this is a very auspicious card. This is a very important auspicious card. Okay.

Because I'm outside treading? I just have to Google it. The sun, I'm outside treading. I just have to Google it. The sun, I'm really, okay. I love the idea of some kind of psychic doing this for people and just saying, okay, let me Google this. No, this is really direct. When it comes to health, the sun card is a positive sign.

It represents energy, balance, and overall wellbeing. If you've been unwell, this card suggests a speedy recovery and feeling better than before. It also indicates personal growth and development. This feels like it fits. That card feels like it fits. Tig was like, I don't really know what Tig's card was doing, but mine seems like it's on track. That's right in the pocket. I think Tig's card was actually very on point because it was being like, you are thinking about this the wrong way. You're thinking like, what will happen to me?

And it's actually in your hands. You have the power. There you go, May. Way to turn the beat around. Turn the beat around. Can you read for yourself? Real quick, if everyone's still into it, I can. Okay.

Everyone is literally on the edge of their seats. I'm kidding. Well, okay, I'm asking it. I want to ask it about love. That's all I really care about. 2025, right? Yeah, 2025. All I care about in my life is love, and it's a problem.

And what are you asking specifically? Because when you set intentions, they have to be specific. I'm asking for a card that will show me my best approach. Like what will yield the best outcome for me in terms of that area of my life? Like how should I approach it? Okay, ready? Okay, there you go.

Oh dear. Drum roll. What is it? The Ace of Wands, a very auspicious card. Another auspicious card. What does this mean? Okay, the Ace of, we can cut out the Googling, right? The Ace of Wands. Cut out the Googling.

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Oh, okay. I do like to Google. In a tarot reading, the Ace of Wands can mean a new chapter in a relationship or the start of an exciting phase. A new chapter, so it sounds like. The Ace of Wands can represent creativity, excitement, adventure, courage and personal power.

Ace of ones feels positive. Um, well, thank you guys for indulging. I think we should probably get to our question, right? Today's questioner is a Grammy and Oscar winning musician whose albums include never enough. Yes I am. and most recently a collaborative release with Jewel. She's also known for her activism for gay and environmental issues throughout her career. Melissa Etheridge is asking today's question. Wow.

Huge. Huge for the world. When we asked for a question, did we say, come to my window, come inside, wait by the light of the moon. Oh my God, was that... That was beautiful, Fortune. I think that on this podcast, I was talking about like, what a, on a previous episode, I think it was this show. I was talking about like what a major baller move to just be like, come to my window.

Yeah, wait by the light of the moon, I'll be home soon. Just come sit and hang out by my window, okay? I think you talked about that at a live episode. Okay, well here, I think about it all the time. I'm like, man, Melissa Etheridge is like, I don't know when I'm gonna be home. She seems very confident to me. Oh, for sure.

Oh, she's also got that, I'm the only one. That's pretty confident being like, I'm the only one. Yeah, yeah. You can do whoever you want, but no one's gonna do you. She sits by my window. Yeah, yeah. I have no idea when I'm gonna be home. I don't know.

Can you imagine? I'm out, I'm out for the night. Can you imagine Melissa, I mean, lesbian rock star, selling out those big old venues, the lesbians must have been just throwing themselves at her. You know, I went to see Melissa Etheridge when I first moved to Denver when I was 19.

I went to Red Rocks. Whoa. That's cool. Yeah, and I had no friends. I first moved to Denver when I was 19. I went to Red Rocks. Whoa. That's cool. Yeah, and I had no friends. And I just went by myself to see her. And it was so incredible. It was so incredible.

Did she rock hard? What year was that? 1990? 1991? Just all the dykes just rolling down the hill trying to get in her poncies. I was never into Melissa in that way, but as far as like rock star,

man, she is such a crowd pleaser. Like when she, her concerts, you gotta go. Yeah, she like whips her hair around. Oh yeah, didn't she have that hit song, I whip my hair around her? You're thinking of Willow Smith. And she was like out and proud in a time where it was very dicey to be so,

and she didn't give a F. Well, I think that's when her Yes I Am album came out, was when she was coming out. Yeah. I didn't know that she had an album called Yes I Am. Yeah, I mentioned it in the intro, Mae. Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Sorry. Oh. 1993 is when Yes I Am came out. What a badass. Yes, truly. Let's hear what Melissa has to ask us. Hey there friends, Melissa here. My question for you all is,

what is your go-to making love song? What's your favorite song that you know is gonna get it on? That you, your partner, you're there, you're gonna do it, right? What would that be? It does not have to be one of my songs, but what is that song? I don't know.

I knew Melissa was gonna get sexy right away, like what song? What song? You'd make it love, too. That's a great, do you guys put on music when you get down? Yeah. A little tune.

You put on a playlist? Yeah, otherwise it a little tuned. You put on a playlist. Otherwise it gets real quiet. What is the tune? Fortune? When you drop the needle on the record? Are you okay? Is everything good? Wait, what? That's the song you put on? Yeah, tap.

Hello? Soundcheck song. Hello? Three, two, one. I'll tell you what I think is by far the hottest, sexiest music ever, aside from all of Melissa Etheridge's music. And I can never remember if I'm saying this person's name right or wrong,

but Sade, Sade, you know? I mean, there is- You don't know Sade? No. Oh my, May, you're gonna get pregnant if you hear- Smooth operator, yeah. Smooth operator. Okay, but even if-

You guys think that I'm gonna get horny and pregnant if I listen to Smooth Operator by Sade. Not just that song. Oh my God. Go through the catalog and see if you don't get pregnant just listening. Sade's voice is smooth. Yes. This is crazy. Wait, are you doubting that that's-

Percussion by Sheila E. I'm doubting. To me, that's like elevator music. Okay. I'm notting, to me that's like elevator music. Okay, I'm not talking about smooth operator. There are other tunes of hers that are the hottest. I don't think you are. I don't think so either. Okay, because you say that you're gonna do these things. Did you ever watch Chris Fairbank's video?

No, I never did. I don't think I ever said I was going to though. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, fortunately you're better at not over-prom No, I never did. I don't think I ever said I was going to though. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, you're better at not over promising. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, you over promise and under deliver. I'm gonna check in periodically to see who has watched Chris Fairbanks cocktail video.

I find like if a song is, like has too much of a mood or too many lyrics, I'll get in my head or it would be distracting. But I have once hooked up with someone who, okay, we were in the living room and she goes, can we lie in your bed and pretend we're in a movie? And I went, well, what does that entail? And we go to my bed and she puts on her own band's music.

It's like her voice singing. So I guess we're in her music video, basically. And then had sex listening to her own. You can't promote yourself during lovemaking. I put my comedy albums on. You know what sexy song I like Jacks to listen to? What? To get the mood going.

Jamaica, Bahama. Stop it. Stop it. Keelah go one two. Leave no. Oh I wanna take you down to Cocoa Mo. Oh my God. When she hears that song she knows.

That's where we were. That's where we were. We'll take it slow. Oh, when she hears that song, she knows. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go.

That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go.

That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where we wanna go. That's where May saying that if there's too many lyrics in a song, that they get distracted. Yeah.

Are you thinking about the lyrics? And yet, to be in a bed with 43 people and not be distracted. I just find- Put too many lyrics in a song. Whoa, what's going on? I'm distracted, but like full blown orgy. No problem. The music really dictates the mood for me. So it can be too like, like if it's a playlist of random songs, it's like, you know, one minute it's like prodigies playing or something. And then, so the sex is really prodigy style, really, really dark and crazy.

Then Elliot Smith comes on the playlist. I'm like, okay, now we're crying and can I, like, you know what I mean? It's too much. It's yeah, it's like what? So do you have a go-to song, May? I have an album. More so do you have a go-to song

when you have a lot of bed visitors? Like what do you put on when you have- I think that's just like a Spotify list, right? A pile up. Or an orgy, but I feel like May has a curated list for 101. Can we start calling it a pile up? A pile, a pile on. I, it's, just to clarify, I'm not having orgies every week,

but I, the thing that I keep going back to is Frank Ocean, Blonde, that album. But now it's at a point where I've played it too much in those types of scenarios. So now it's almost like it makes me sort of go on autopilot or detach because I'm like, oh, now it's the sex album. Now it's the... You know what I mean? Right. Okay. So I got to find... I got to mix it up.

But that's a really sexy album. It I gotta find, I gotta mix it up. But that's a really sexy album. It opens with Nikes. Is it? I gotta listen to it. Oh my God, it's so good. Also, okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but Zayn Malik from One Direction,

his solo album, his first solo album, that's a hot album. It's sexy? Yeah. Sexier than Smooth operator. Oh's sexy. Yeah. Sexier than smooth. I put it up. Oh my God. What about I want to make love in this club.

In this club. I mean, you are a human jukebox. What do you ever sing during sex? Me? Yeah. Oh no, I'm winded. I need all my lung capacity. I can't be doing all that.

Singing, dancing, fortune has a top hat on. I'm putting on a show to distract. Make them laugh. I think I usually do just go to Spotify or something and put like sexy songs. Yeah. But I haven't splurged for the non ads. Yeah. But at some point it is.

Wait, so you've got the mood going and then it's like. Simply safe. Yeah. That's really funny. You're in good hands with safe. Yeah. Yeah. You're in good hands with fortune. I feel like I have had my, my own standup come on shuffle. Like when I had my old computer, like in the early 2000s and you just have like your, I don't know, I feel like I have had all the stuff saved on shuffle.

Yes. And it'll come on and you're like, oh. And then like a weird voice note. Don't forget to pick up bread and milk at the store. Yeah. Oh my God. I one time, do you know you can tell your Alexa to make a to-do list and you can just add to it anytime.

Like you go, oh, Alexa, add to my to-do list. Like, yeah, buy eggs or whatever. So as a joke, my friend said, I won't say the names, but my friend was dating someone called, let's say, Catherine, who we all did not like because she was really mean to him. And so we were talking about this, the guy dating Catherine wasn't there. And we said as a joke, Alexa, add to the list, pick up eggs and Catherine's head on a platter or something like that. Later I was with my friend and I forgot and I went, Alexa, play my to-do list. And it said like, buy eggs. And then it said Catherine's head on a platter, his girlfriend.

No. Yeah. She was right there. No, she was not there, but the guy dating her was there. He's like, hey, Jesus. Yeah, and I was like, no, I have you eat eggs? I was like, I love Catherine. Did you guys know that I know how to two step?

You know how to two step? Mm-hmm. And two step is like ballroom. Country dancing. The country dance. Yeah, how does this fit into the conversation? So there's a version of a two step where you're behind the person dancing

and that's pretty sexy. Really? And a song will come on like, maybe like the doors and turn the lights down low. We ain't got no other place to go. There's something, something on the radio. And you're dancing behind them. I don't know, I got pretty sexy during that song. Yeah.

I think Two Steppin's pretty cool. I used to do it on the reg when Oil Can Harry's was in LA, now there's nowhere, so. I thought there was a- Jackson get experience sexy, Two Stepin' fortune. Isn't there like a line dancing thing in LA going on? There's like a weekly queer line dancing thing. Is there?

Yeah. Oh yeah, didn't line dancing get popular? It came back. Why? But now it's a like Ed Sheeran song. What do line dancing get popular? It came, it came back. Why? But now it's like Ed Sheeran songs. What do you mean came back? When was line dancing like taken the world by storm? In the 2000s, 2008 era? Was it really?

2007 was hot, baby. No, line dancing. I mean, sorry, line dancing was hot too. Wow. Cause I think that was like broke back mountain days. Oh, right. And that put it in the. It was very popular.

It's coming back on the TikTok, but now it's to like Ed Sheeran songs. Like, Oh, I like it when you do it. Like that. Are people in line? I would love to hear what Melissa says because I feel like she probably got sexy a lot. Don't you think? I know one of her ex, I think I know two of her ex-girlfriends.

You're a lesbian rock star? Yeah. In those times, like, and even now, but she's married now, I'm just talking about single days. I mean, just rolling in that. Fortune. Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie.

That is a rolling in it. That is our elder lesbian icon you're talking about. Melissa would love me saying that. Okay, would her wife appreciate? Her wife probably doesn't even know that Melissa even dated before they got together. Okay, let's hear what Melissa had to say. So my go-to song, I'm a big Sade guy.

Sade, pretty much any Sade song can do for me, but Sade, No Ordinary Love. Oh my God. The best song, Melissa. That's go time. Yes. Shardé, No Ordinary Love. This is insane.

Peace out guys, love you. Oh my God. That is hilarious. That's so funny. Oh my God. Ordinary Love. I think that was Melissa signaling That is hilarious. Oh my God. I think that was Melissa signaling to me that. It's go time. You guys are sexually in love.

Wow, that's crazy. Okay, this is now I'm really committed to starting to. You have to listen to Ordinary Love, like she mentioned. That song is so incredible, it's stupid. I'll put it on the next time I sadly masturbate. Oh my God, Fortune Marie, tell me. I didn't say it. I know, but you should not allow such things

out of that little cowboy's mouth. Wow. Wow. Wow. Sadly, master. Well, no, I'm not. Do you do that often? Yeah, yeah, I do.

Okay. Have a good boo-hoo. A good boo-hoo. Boo-hoo and a woo-woo and a ha-ha and a hey-hey. A good boohoo. Boohoo and your woo woo and a ha ha and a hey hey. Yeah, whoa. Okay, I will though get into that singer. And yeah, I don't know how to pronounce it, but I'm gonna get into it.

Is it shah-day? Or shah-day, some people throw an R in there. Oh really, is there an R? I don't know, I talked, yeah, we talked about this on my old podcast. Oh really? Yeah. If you threw an extra R into all of our names,

it would be Trig, Froachin, Froachin. And Mare. Mare. These are the kinds of things I bring to the pod, you know. And they're delightful. And we appreciate it and we need it.

Well, this was, as always, a delight and so nice to hear from our dear friend, Melissa Etheridge. Yes, an honor. Pave in the way for us gays. Yes. Opening all those doors and being brave in a time when it was really hard to be out. Yes, opening doors and demanding women.

Wait at your window. Sit at your window and wait. Come to my window. Come inside. That's the Bob Dylan version. I bet Melissa had a ton of women waiting by her window. Yeah. She'd just have to. Yeah. And they're like, what are you doing here?

Yeah. What do you mean? What are you doing here? She told me to come wait by her window. And she rolls up in a leather jacket. Yeah, listening to Sade. And then they're like, hello. I want to mention the documentary,

Come See Me in the Good Light, the Andrea Gibson documentary that is at Sundance this year. Amazing. It is a real, real mind bendingly incredible documentary. I cannot wait to see it. It's really, there's really one moment in that movie, a scene that makes me laugh so hard. And then one second later, the most devastating thing in the world.

It is, it's whether TV, film or in-person experience, one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my life. That's amazing. I will be watching that, my friend. Yes, everyone please check it out. You can watch my special, Crushing It, on Netflix. It's there. I would love for people to keep watching it.

I'm working out new material in Pasadena this weekend at the Ice House. Nice. You wanna see a little peek behind the curtain. And then Ontario and Oxnard, California, working out material there and Irvine, California. And then my big tour kicks off in Savannah, Georgia. So get tickets for my new tour at my website.

Love it. I'm working out new material too, whether in Toronto or Los Angeles. Check my website, tignotaro.com. I also have a special that came out a while ago called Hello Again, and it's also on, you can get the audio version out there too. I'm at Largo periodically. I'm also gearing up to do some music shows around,

they're gonna be announced soon. Share an episode with friends and family. Help us build the community so this show can stay on the air. Are we on the air? Get your handsome hoodies and sweatpants. Absolutely. It's cold out there. Baby, it is cold outside.

Go handsomepod.com for all your merch needs. When you're sitting at Melissa Etheridge's window waiting for her, you need a hoodie. Yeah, you are gonna need some layers. But until next time, shall we keep it handsome? Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette.

Email us at handsomepod.gmail.com, and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check that your wifi is working before you invite your friends over to watch a live stream of that big award show you've all been looking forward to. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the US only. Savings very term supply.

Allstate firing casualty insurance company and affiliates. Northbrook, Illinois. Hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups? Girl, same. Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me?

The podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating. Each week, I get real with comedians, friends, and celebrities about their love lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world of relationships. I've chatted with amazing guests like Conan O'Brien,

Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Trixie Mattel, Tiffany Haddish, and so many more. So whether you're single, mingling, or boot up, there's something in it for everyone. Tune into Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer, and discover insights that might just save you from your next dating disaster. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts and catch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Friday.