Handsome - Natalie Maines asks about making exceptions

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

Natalie Maines of The Chicks poses a playfully provocative question to the Handsome crew, as she asks Mae, Fortune and Tig to talk about their male celebrity crushes. Plus middle school dances, Magic Mike, "a pineapple apart," and much more!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail]'t forget to rate & review Handsome wherever you get your podcasts!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey there, handsome pod. It is your friend Tig Notaro. I am in Europe and I have run into a few people from the States who have told me that they did not know I was taping my next stand-up special in Brooklyn at King's Theatre November 4th. I mentioned this at the end of the podcast, but in case you don't listen all the way through, which you should because there's important information there, I am taping my special November 4th, and I hope to see you there in Brooklyn. Go to tignotaro.com for all ticket and show information. Welcome to another episode of the Handsome Pod. It's Fortune Feimster. And I'm Tig Notaro. Oh, I fucked it up. That's okay. I'm okay so sorry what is your name i was gonna say my name is

may martin oh hello may i think we all jumped in because we're excited to do the show again i am excited today so pumped it's always a treat talking with you too it really is i look forward to it i'm buzzing today because first of all there's a bunch of hummingbirds by my apartment oh it feels like i'm in a disney movie they just kind of appeared like yeah at my window by this tree and then also um my uh friend let me drive her car i don't have a permit or a license let me drive it down sunset to walgreens oh no and i am buzzing you were pumped about driving had you ever driven a car yeah i've had three lessons but not for months and i'm rusty and um

whoa you've only driven a car three times in your life yes yes oh my gosh are you kidding no and she said uh do you want to drive to to walgreens and i was like yeah and then i said i don't have my license and she was like that's all right you know you gotta practice but i don't think she realized how there's no way she knew that you've only driven a lot of that two other times in your life there's no way she knew that really she didn't know you hadn't she knew i didn't have my license but she knew i'd been taking lessons but when i the first question i asked when i got in the driver's seat was which pedals the gas oh no i would be like i'd be like we're we're gonna actually not do this wait yeah more importantly what kind of car was

this so i don't know cars you know it wasn't a't know cars. You know, it wasn't a Tesla. I'll tell you what, it wasn't a Tesla. Didn't have any helpful little videos playing for me to see. So you never learned to drive because you grew up in Toronto. And it's just not like a, you didn't really need a car there. It's public transportation. And then you moved to the UK. No car needed there. And I think I kind of have a, not a fetish, but I like being a passenger.

I like, especially if I'm dating someone, I like being in that passenger seat. Really? I'll go where they're taking me, you know? But, you know, sometimes I feel like some people might be like, why are you always in the passenger seat? Why don't you drive sometimes do you ever get that that's that's what's starting to happen yeah i love driving uh driving is like one of my favorite things to do i can just like aimlessly

drive and listen to podcasts like handsome and be really content do you go into like as like are you fully present when you're driving like do you go into a zen state are you because i'm just hyper vigilant and aware and i can't imagine a time where it's just like natural well i rent a lot of cars on the road because i'm doing like multiple cities in a weekend so i often drive braggadocious about right running all those cars i'm a gold member um and i so yeah i i'm pretty alert because you know these roads are long and there's a lot of things a lot of just things around that you gotta be on the lookout for la is a tough place to learn to drive let me tell you you know where you don't want to drive, Mae? Where?

San Fran. Oh, God. Really? Yeah, don't drive there. Why? Their hills are like this. Okay, and then, obviously, Mae is so far away from driving a stick shift. Oh, my God.

You'll never drive a stick shift. Your car, it would be... And, like, everything would be catching fire. You'll blow out the clutch, yeah. Yeah, you'll never drive a stick shift. Your car, it would be like, and like everything would be catching fire. You'll blow out the clutch, yeah. Yeah, you'll blow out the town. I mean, it's so insane. And you'd be rolling backwards with the black smoke. Oh, God.

My very first car was a stick shift. And it was like a clunky car that needed to be like totally redone for me to drive it. And it took, we hired like a guy that kind of took his sweet ass time. So I didn't get the car for like a year until after I turned 16. And I was so antsy to drive that I didn't bother to take, have anyone teach me. I just got in the car and I was meeting a bunch of friends. And so the whole time I'm like like jerking and

like it's stalling in the middle of the intersections and i'm like coming up to my friend's house and there's like a group of like 30 of them outside waiting and i'm like all right just come on come on just please just give me the job and i i'm having to take take a left and I'm sitting and I start to go and it goes, right in front of everybody and they are dying laughing. I just want an automatic car that has a fake stick shift in it just for show because I think it looks hot when people drive stick shift. I love a stick shift. It's so fun. You feel so connected to the car. And yeah, it's very rare to find a car with a stick shift. It's so fun. You feel so connected to the car.

And yeah, it's very rare to find a car with a stick shift. So my car, it is an older model, but man, do I love it so much. I bet. And also, it's oftentimes full of bird poop. I just call it. it's oftentimes full of bird poop. I just call it, well, I just, I'm not really good at staying on top of getting it in a garage or getting it washed. And so I just call it the bird toilet is basically what this car is. Plus you keep all your pigeons in it. Well, there's that, but I'm just not really a car person. And so I've never been like, oh, I've got to replace my stick shift bird toilet car

because I love driving my bird toilet around. Your bird toilet. I love driving my bird toilet. I love driving my bird toilet around. You are more alert with a stick shift because you're... Absolutely. Both your feet are working and your hands... Your hands...

Shifting and it is right. Anywhere but San Francisco, it is so fun to drive a stick shift. I know we have a long list of things we want to do together as outings, handsome outings. I know, we got to start getting ready. I hope Thomas is keeping a list of... Thomas, write this down. But you guys taking me out driving stick shift would be pretty fun. That would be great.

Thomas has to film while we're teaching May how to drive. And then we'll upload our outings online. I would love that. Expect a lot of jerking at first. It is just adorable that you're a full grown person. Thank you, first of all, for acknowledging that. Yes, you're full grown and you're getting in this car and you're just driving down the street and back.

Yeah. Yeah. To Walgreens and back. And oh, my God. Did you buy anything at Walgreens? Yeah, I had to get a prescription filled. Exciting. So I really did feel like a grown up.

But man, I got a couple honks at me. Yeah, I got a couple honks at me yeah i got a couple that's gonna happen in la no matter what if you're a good driver or not i learned to drive when i was 12 what yeah dude i learned earlier i learned earlier quit yeah because i'm from you know a tiny town and my grandmother used to love going to this is like such an old person thing they love going to the cemetery and checking on the family plot what else is there to do exactly yeah so she would go tend to the plot and like plant flowers and stuff and i was always bored and the cemetery is all flat and you can see like who's coming where. And I would look around and there was no one around.

So at 12 years old, she's busy planting flowers. This is like one of those giant Caprice classics. And I got in it and I just started driving it around the cemetery. Running over plots. Running over tombstones. People being like, don't go to that cemetery. Being in a cemetery, you're're okay everyone's already firmly planted i bet there's like an urban legend about like the ghost of a 12 year old drives around that cemetery but it did not faze my grandmother she

was just like i'd roll back up and she'd be like okay ready to go and i'm like sure that's awesome i used to sneak my car out when i was a kid and i mean i was so underage and my parents would have parties and they'd be up late and i knew i could sneak out of the house while they were having a party roll the car down out into the street and then just go take my friends and get some fast food and smoke cigarettes and then come back home get back in bed and that's incredible one time when my parents were in bed I roll the car out and it's in front of the house and I don't start it. I just roll it out. It's out in the street. And with the driver door open, I have one hand on the driver door, one hand on the steering wheel, and I'm going to push it down the street

so I can start it down the road. And it's so hilarious because there's no world where starting up a car on the street would wake my parents up. But I still, what was that? What was it? A car start? So I'm thinking I'm going to roll this car, you know, down the road a bit. But my friends, my very handsome friends, guess what this foolish one did?

What? Laid my hand on the horn. On the horn. Yes. Yeah. So I'm now. I can't do it like and then i i i'm in front of my house you see the light pop on no i leave i leave the car abandoned in the street with the door open i run i hide in the bushes and then I'm sitting there in the bushes looking at the car that's just sitting in the street and I'm laughing at myself going oh what my parents are gonna walk out and see the car and be like oh no Tig's not there and then just go back into the house

door wide open yeah door wide open oh my god you're like scram yeah i did go back and push the car down the street and then oh good started up smoked some cigarettes went to the french fries yeah i feel like you were you were making it all so much harder for yourself by thinking they're like it's almost like you were gonna run in wake them up and be like look someone's tried to steal the car like you were just overcompensating absolutely so may you are you, you are going to try to get your permit? Got to. I mean, license. What is it called?

Permit first. Oh, you have to get your permit first. And then will your girlfriend be in the passenger seat while you're driving? I hope so. I think that would be pretty hot. You get like one arm around her and then almost that's right oh never mind never mind you're you have your permit your girlfriend's in the passenger side and then you have one of those cartoon lollipops it's a big swirl and you're just licking that while you're um you know a

permit driver and you have pretty one of those little hats on with a propeller. Yeah, that's sort of my energy is the propeller hat. You actually have that. Yeah. I went to a school dance when I was 13. And it was like, right when everyone was like, okay, we got to be hot now and the boy school is coming and all the girls were in like tank tops and not get them in foam platform shoes. Yeah, I did not either. And I knew I couldn't compete with these girls with their like lip gloss and stuff oh yeah i didn't know i didn't know i was like queer or whatever but i just didn't want to be involved in the whole thing so to combat it i went joke so i went hat with a propeller overalls for real for real i went to you called it yeah i went in character's face and tell me what other hat is gonna go on there

you're gonna put a propeller on on may's head yeah that's right yeah oh i gotta buy one of those on amazon now halloween's coming and look i would buy it at an independent retailer if i knew did you know after the school dance when you had overalls and a propeller hat on did you then know you were queer i was just doing a bit the whole time okay i always just wanted to hang out with the teachers and i love my teachers yeah yeah and they used to come around with a pineapple at the dances and they'd say remember i know it's canada you gotta be a pineapple apart and they put the pineapple between you and the boys because the boys would get semis and be like grinding what and i i wanted that like i was into the boys i i ian peach i was

in love with but i knew he wasn't gonna choose me yeah so i preemptively was like no no i'm just kidding around i don't even want you to dance with me even though i was desperate for him to get a semi and for the pineapple to come they They really put a pineapple between people. I have never heard of that. It feels like you could use a football. It'd be like they're a much lighter thing, like a stuffed animal. Like why carry around a heavy fruit with spikes on it? I know.

Like they were trying to make it fun. It is the exact size of a football. Which is in the PE room. All the queers laughing at the football jokes. But yes, I mean. They're like, Martha, you got to go to the grocery store to get that pineapple. Get that pineapple. Wait, can we get a morning announcement about the pineapple?

Hey, if you're planning to go to the dance later tonight, then just be prepared that the teachers are going to come around with a pineapple to put in between you so that nothing happens that's not supposed to happen. No semis. Semis.

In the background. Martha, can you please go get that pineapple? We've been talking about it on the podcast. I've been treading water lately, just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now, I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic and it's great.

My skin feels better. I feel better. It's just good. So trust your gut with Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic. Go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome code 25handsome. I love the show hacks and it is back baby for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Debra Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now, season two left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what?

It's on Max. You can catch up. And I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts. Would the dance be off if they forgot to get a large pineapple? Yeah, maybe. Because what else?

Yeah, I remember that not only were they going around with the pineapple, but they would remind you on like the megaphone, like periodically remember pineapple apart. Pineapple apart is kind of a great pineapple apart. Was everyone in your school just a nerd, including the teacher? I think all the teachers had propeller hats too. I mean, there's so many dances that have happened around

the country and world and how is it that fortune and i and i'm certain thomas have you heard about pineapple apart i have not and i'm canadian so you're canadian okay okay so is this a catholic school may anglican how did so many dances happen without pineapple apart i know i i know that's why teen pregnancy was on the razz and it was in america but so like there's some apples going around with the pineapple and so after they've come over and separated you and the guy then after when they move on that's your moment they're not going to come back to you for a while that's your moment to grind before they make the round you gotta get that grind that is so fun i'm just now realizing that they have to really be on top of that with that age group because it's so new being

able to touch people and and like if if the teachers walk off with the pineapple to someone else. Yeah. Who knows? Who knows? You're going to be pregnant with. Yeah. Pineapple apart. But also just let. You know the best part. What's the best part?

Let them grind. Let them grind. That's right. The best part, though, is that at the end of the night, Martha has a pineapple to make her famous pineapple upside down cake. Okay. Wait a minute. We have our first handsome bumper sticker. And it's Martha has a pineapple.

Martha has a pineapple. Did you know in the olden days, like, here's a fact coming your way. In the, like, 1700s or 17 1600s they used to you could rent a pineapple just to show that you were wealthy at your party because they were so exotic and so expensive like in england you'd rent a pineapple and pretend it was yours and just put it on the table and be like oh yeah we got one yeah somebody should fact check that listening that um that seems yeah how do you know all these facts a quote unquote may has dated a lot and how else are you gonna date if you don't have useless facts and a propeller on your head look i can't drive all i got is facts you do have all these facts all may has

is facts and a pineapple apart i just hate that they couldn't that they had to rent the pineapple that they couldn't just i know the pineapple and eat it maybe we should start a side business together pineapple rentals pineapple apart pineapple apart pineapple apart please hold please hold for pineapple apart do you know the extension you wish to read uh martha yeah she's still working i'm real busy the the dance is over and i'd like to get into this pineapple upside down cake that i just made or maybe we just have one pineapple that we rent out. Can everybody please leave me alone? I am trying to indulge in this cake that I have been taking all afternoon to make. And I'll tell you this, this is some of

the best pineapple I have ever put in my cake in my life. And you know what I think makes it even is that it kept at least 50 kids from getting pregnant. The other 50? Not so lucky. We didn't have enough pineapples to keep them apart. No, they were a banana apart. Martha doesn't even work at the school. She works for the pineapple company. She's just a loose cannon that shows up to the school with a pineapple saying pineapple apart and they're like excuse me do you work here no but i do not want any

pregnancies and so i'm here to do the lord's work i'm here to keep people apart with this pineapple okay i'm really just desperate to get into making that cake after oh my god can everybody leave their pot leave the pineapples in the tray over there i'm gonna need to take these with me thank you i cannot see martha's anyone other than a lunatic that came in the side door with a pineapple everybody out of the way okay i have oh my god to attend to and i'm as martha is very pro-life oh absolutely she is yeah pineapple apart pineapple apart if this does not work i will expect you to perform all of the duties expected of a young mother. Yeah. Next time you see one of those photographs of people protesting outside abortion clinics, you zoom in real close to see Martha in the back with her pineapple.

Eating her pineapple upside down cake. How old were y'all, Mae? Were you like 14? Yeah, 13. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. 13.

I mean, shortly after I was like dating men and doing cocaine but there was a brief moment where I was so innocent I was so innocent 13 I was in that propeller hat with pineapple apart do you want to hear my sad I went to a school dance story yeah guess who also didn't know they were gay I'm gonna guess all of us oh my god all of our awkwardness all all of us. Oh, my God. All of our awkwardness. All three of us walking into school dances. Trying to find that dude to dance with us. So I show up in some nice iron slacks. A nice ironed button-down blouse.

Yep. Beautiful. Hold on. It does not end there. I had some nice lace-up shoes. I had me some... I had a vest. No, like a waistcoat.

Like a... A waistcoat? Yeah, you're looking like a little, you know, Victorian dapper. Sure. Street urchin. Yeah. Well, guess who got stopped at the door and sent home? Because you didn't have a dress on?

That's right. And let me tell you, it took everything in. It was such a big leap for me to even get out of my Van Halen concert T-shirt to even put that circus of an outfit on. And I was like, oh, my God. I was so uncomfortable like dressed up and I got to the door and they sent me home oh that is so fucked up those are different times oh my god I was devastated I was like I bet I thought I was like whoa I got so dressed up you're like yeah I'm

sure I've ever looked yeah it's'm sure I look terrible. Yeah. It's the nicest. I still, to this day, it's the nicest I ever looked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The pretty little lady,

pretty little lady was showing up to, to get a pineapple apart kind of evening going on. And would you, would you put on some makeup at that age? Like, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no. Okay. No, no, no.

That's fucked. This is the thing with like, if gender roles were so what are you laughing at fortune i'm just the idea of you put it on makeup no no no no no no no what were you saying i was gonna say if gender roles were so are so innate as people say they are then why do they have to be so heavily policed like you know what i mean if we wouldn't be I was going to say if gender roles were so are so innate, as people say, they are them. Why do they have to be so heavily policed? Like, you know what I mean? If we wouldn't be constantly have to whatever.

Yeah, no, it's absolutely horrifying. Like I, you know, I know there's so much in like the therapy world of like you look back or you try and take care of your inner child or you yes you try and have compassion and and I do I have compassion for myself with you know mistakes I made and terrible ways I was treated as a child but that is one of those things where it was truly so crushing it was so crushing and because you don't understand it right right? Well, yeah, and they didn't understand what a leap it was for me to even put that dapper pretty little lady outfit on to go to the dance. And by the way, not a line of fellas wanting to be

less than a pineapple apart from me. God, it was such a mess back then in people's heads. And I remember being so confused because i went to an all-girls school and so on the one hand everyone's like you're a girl you're a girl but then even the kids in my class like i remember them freaking out and making fun of me because i wore foundation one day and they like and or nail polish and they like they were like may's wearing makeup and it's like they were all wearing makeup but they were making fun of me like i was a boy wearing makeup and nail polish because they did sort of see me

yeah yeah because i had short hair so i'm like which is it like and then i had to be i was like no someone oh no my brother's friend just put nail polish on me i didn't do it myself and yeah like and i was so boy crazy but then boys would always tell me i was gay like the i remember my boyfriend when i was 15 that i was like so in love with. And he's like, you're gay. And I was like, I just had an orgasm. Like, what are you talking about? I'm gay for you, dude.

Yeah. At my mom's second wedding when she got remarried. And so this would have been like, I don't know, 10, 11 years ago. I wore a sweater vest and slacks again like so dressed up for me and somebody at her wedding was like are you going home to change before the wedding like to like telling asking if i'm going to go not a dress and i was like oh my god oh my god fortune uh no yeah i better head out and get myself cleaned up i thought i looked so nice i was like i got my sweater mess i had a tie on and she was straight up like are you going to go change into what like and why does she think it's up to her to put like was it martha it might have been

martha yeah yeah so that was just like 11 10 years ago i was like so what'd you say to her i think i was just like no i think that's all i could muster up because i think i was so shocked you know of course i don't think I at that point had not been in a dress yeah for you know a number of years so I was just like all right lady I don't think you got the memo yeah now when I was in junior high though my mom would dress me this is when she wanted me to be a pretty little lady and so you were a pageant yeah you were doing pageants yeah i know pageants but um like debutante stuff that old southern stuff and so but my mom would dress like shop for me at like lane bryant or like these older like ann taylor loft like what are these older people's places where

so i have a picture of me in ninth grade with my date who he's gay now. We were the gays going together. Of course. And I am in, I will post it. I actually think we should have everyone, if you have a funny picture of you at a dance in junior high, middle school, you got to post it. Well, that was the only one I went to. Post it and tag us.

We want to see these handsome looks that you had. But I had like a floral like blouse with with shoulder pads a giant like flowy cream colored skirt pantyhose and a kit and a kitten heel oh my god like i look like martha i look like... I loved the hand motion you did for Kitten Heel. A kitten heel. He was like 65. I was like 65 at the ninth grade dance. And I will post this picture on our handsome page.

Truly, my mom was like crying. Like, you've never looked better. Oh, my God. And I'm like dying inside. give me up here can we recreate the oh my gosh here's another thing thomas for our uh field day excursion the three of us need to get dressed up like pretty little ladies for prom well luckily i'll just be in my propeller hat and some overalls i will have to i'm gonna be in a vest slacks and pants and then fortune's gonna be in her uh retirement uniform oh my god i'm gonna post this picture for you guys to join handsome

on our socials but i am desperate to see other people's looks from junior high and middle school. Okay, I'll dig one out. I'm thinking of one picture in particular where like, it's a group of girls who are just like, know who they are. You can tell they feel good in their bodies. They look cool. And if you pan over just at the end of this line of cool girls is this monstrosity. I got braces, acne.

I'm standing, I'm like a spider monkey. Like my limbs are too long. I don't know how to stand. Like it is just heartbreaking. So I'll find that one. It's wild. Oh my gosh. It is funny that we have been talking about dances and our experience with that and pineapples. Because our question today is from Natalie Mains of The Chicks. She's a Grammy award-winning singer and songwriter. I'm lucky enough to be friends with her. She sent us a very fun question now tig and may have not heard this question that's right and um i think you're gonna really enjoy it i will be

so curious to hear what y'all's answers are well let's hear it all right let's hear it hello my handsomes so my question for you is if world peace depended on it what male celebrity would you fuck okay first of all loved my handsomes as a thing yes and second of all this question is gonna be easy for may yeah i mean i love when natalie said it because i was like oh fuck she goes yeah like that's what i love about natalie the most she's like i don't care well yeah she's famous for it yeah world peace so would not have to be a factor for me to have sex with a male celebrity wow amazing i got a bunch of these names lined up yeah tig and i would have to world peace would have to be on the table for taking myself i think i would probably honestly date you fortune before i would yeah really so are you

sleep with a man i would do it for world peace. No, not me. No. Wait. Okay. I need to know that. I'm teasing, of course. I'm down for the cause. Let the suffering continue. I thought you were going to say, I'm down for the cock, and I was like, that is so on you to say. I know, right? Have you guys had sex with men?

I am a gold star, baby. I've never had sex with a man that's so cool i like to leave this mysterious oh sure yeah yeah fair enough maybe i have maybe i have never interesting i like it and we may we know your answer may is a virgin cross the board virgin i go way overboard i think in protesting and like protesting and making it clear that I'm attracted to men. Because I think it challenges people's perceptions. And also, I get annoyed at people just assuming based on how narrow people's ideas are of what someone who's attracted to men looks like. Right.

So I sometimes go way overboard. I'm like, no, listen. I'm'm gonna make up for it i love man listen to me now i love them listen to me are you listening i will say this though i there are some lesbians who are like gross i could never think of a gross men or yucky i think there are so many very attractive men i have people are just people yeah skin you know what i mean yeah i always am suspect when people when their celebrity crushes are so obvious like even when like straight friends of mine are like i love ryan gosling i'm like i think you're gay because i think if you got people have nuanced crushes and it's like he's considered handsome so that's kind of like a bandwagon thing is that what you mean like it's so obvious i'm like okay but what are you into like what right

i mean i get that he's hot i don't know i'm being you want a more nuanced yeah thing like i think this person's hot because of this interesting trait yeah about them not that they they were on the sexiest man alive cover exactly the people magazine sexiest man alive which is always like the rock yeah yeah the rock isn't my type okay no i mean if you look you're not a muscle gal no i'm not if you put stephanie up against the rock you'll see that they're not you know especially if you keep them a pineapple apart but i just uh he's just not my type but i can see you know why people would really be into like a big strong man right i just want him to boss me around or just hold me tight.

Yeah, what would your, give me like top three or a couple of names to. Well, I do find men attractive and I've been attracted to men. And I really don't think it's that crazy of a. Of a leap. No, no, not at all. I just feel like attraction. Fluid, it's fluid. Gender, sexuality.

It's just like, it's like right there it can something can change your mind your thinking you can be really i've been close to guys where i'm like, it's so different. But you know who I really enjoy, who I kind of have a giddy little crush on is. Well, now I'm blushing. Pretty little lady. I get teased all the time when I'm around him because i am like i'm so giddy around this guy is and he's kind of a cliche yeah uh his name's billy oh i know you're gonna say billy billy you worked with him corgan i did work no oh billy oh what's his name cudrup oh crud up crud up that's right oh yeah he's got like a chiseled jaw kind of bad boy face i mean you're giggly around them

oh my gosh i am like i love billy so much and when we work together and then we've socialized together as well, Stephanie truly is like, well, I guess I'll just go find something else to do. You two are locked into each other. Oh, I love it. But, like, I love laughing with him and making him laugh. I just get so, so, like, pretty little lady around him. I love that. The hottest thing is funny people like they gotta be funny oh my gosh yeah i don't love like overly confident men like i like kind of shy and funny

and a little weird and they laugh a lot and they're like generous laughers you know what i mean well yeah i mean billy i saw on um almost famous and i was like of course this guy's gorgeous yeah yeah and i love that kind of mustache yeah oh really oh my god yes please wow we're learning so much about tick today handlebar handle yeah thomas i say don't grow your mustache uh down on the sides or or else your boss might be a little inappropriate. Watch out for pretty little lady over there. Pretty little lady is going to come out lurking around. But I, of course, thought he was so gorgeous on Almost Famous.

I don't know if it's just to me. Everyone thinks he looks great in that movie, right? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay, so then I go about my life, and then I'm on the morning show, and I know Billy's going to be on that. I'm not like, oh, I can't wait to see my boy Billy. You don't get dressed up in your vest on your first day of work. I was in, you know, pantsuits and stuff, so it is kind of my style, you know.

But I certainly wasn't getting dressed up like that for Billy and then I'm on set with him and I'm just like this guy is the I just had such a fun connection with him and I can't like as soon as I walk into a party or I see him in any room I'm like Stephanie always goes oh boy all oh boy, all right, well, bye-bye. And I just beeline over it. I love that. It's so funny. Fortune, what about you?

I would say, and this is more of like a, obviously, because he's super handsome. I'm a Channing Tatum gal. Really? Yeah. I like those magic mic mic gyrating moves yeah if he made that noise oh this is that's the clip that's gonna go online i met him and he was so sweet and cute and just

funny he made like we'll dm each other every now and then and he makes me laugh i don't know well we're not like besties but he's not like billy in your life right that's right yeah but he's worked with one of my best friends a lot and she adores him he's so cool but i just yeah he does it for me that's like that's what i hear is like yeah I might even let him pick me up and I don't let anyone pick me up oh my god it got to that point my heart is back you might hurt his back it's like some random thing of like I might even let billy give me a piggyback ride but yeah he's my guy i love him oh my god listen how girly just like giddy yeah yeah you are both blushing right now i know my face is red

because we don't take and i probably don't think about this that often but well i do when i see billy i'm gonna tell you one more experience that is gonna shock you because this is the total opposite of channing tatum i had an experience when i was back in my groundlings days uh when i was in sunday company james gandolfini from The Sopranos came to our show. He knew a guy in my company. Did you let him pick you up? No. Okay. But it was like the height of The Sopranos.

The show was so popular. And I hadn't even watched the show yet. I ended up watching it later. And I went to the restaurant and we ate. And all of us are broke. We're like struggling comedians. And he paid the whole bill and the waiters came around with second rounds of drinks for everybody. And they're like, James got this.

And we're like, oh, my God. And when you're broke, you're like, oh, my God, that's so nice. Even when you're not broke, it's still nice. It's lovely. So I went over to him afterwards and I said, my god james like thank you so much i think they call him jim but you know we weren't to that level yet and i said thank you so much for dinner and drinks that was so cool and he like put me in this bear hug and pulled me in and he kind of like whispered in my ear he was like you're so fucking funny and the way he just

like encapsulated me you know because i'm a big gal and he made me feel like a dainty pretty little lady yes and i all of a sudden found myself going hysterically giggling wheeling and laughing like a little girl like so in love whatever he did i want to see that in real life i could not believe i left that restaurant that night being like did i just fall for james candle freemy i believe i did i think i did he was so magnetic and just like something about this like i'm gonna protect you and like i was like yeah he said that too no i just that was the feeling i was now we know how to get fortune away from the grips of jacks i know give her a bear hug and say you're so fucking i felt safe in his arms y'all i love that and he bought me dinner i not many men have bought me dinner and two rounds of drinks yeah and were you just driving home on cloud nine yes it was crazy and were you driving home on cloud

nine like i don't no man has ever had that effect on me the way that i like giggled that night yeah so yeah those are my guys i have a couple names but i have a story like that that was very surprising to me where i didn't expect to have that reaction to this man but i used to work as one of those charity fundraisers on the street with a binder. You know, have you ever seen those people? They're like, excuse me, do you have a minute for this charity? Oh, yes, of course. I've done that. Yeah, so I did that.

Greenpeace. It was for the AIDS Committee of Toronto. And I was freezing cold, middle of winter, like snowing. One of the best jobs you can get. One of the best winter jobs for a young whippersnapper. And I was probably stoned like red eyes and just standing there for hours and my hands are numb you know and then propeller spinning in the wind and uh these two people walk by and um i go you have a minute for

the aids committee toronto and one of them just turns to me and goes uh what is this and no one else had been stopping for me and I'm like oh my god it's Antonio Banderas and he like takes his sunglasses off and it's Antonio Banderas and Antonio Banderas and he's with Melanie Griffith and I should have said yeah do you want to donate money but I immediately panicked and was like oh forget don't worry about it oh forget it you'd have to give your your details and you don't have to do that and he he was really like, no, I want to help. I would love to give you my email address. I would love to give you my... And then all I remember is him taking my hand in his hand. I was like, nice to meet you. And

we shook hands. You didn't say your legacy will be great? Amazing callback. Wow. Nice dig. amazing callback wow nice dig he took both my hands like or sorry my one hand he wrapped it encapsulated it in his warm antonio banderas large hands yeah and my numb little frozen hand was in his hands and he was just so kind and warm and then oh my god i was like okay uh yeah love it uh but my thing is like bigger features no one twos like scrawny or muscly so we're talking javier bardem we're talking boston rob from survivor survivor winner and mvp i would not accept that you know what i got pretty giggly

meeting nick offerman the other day i'd never met met oh yeah i got pretty uh pretty little lady around the lady came out nick offerman reminds me of my my real father oh really yeah okay so that's not good for you you never met my real father i never met your real father or nick offerman uh cameron and ferris bueller's day off the best friend oh in the in succession yeah he's alan ruck he's kind of like shy and but you liked him more in the um ferris bueller days are you reading off a list right now it does that is hilarious and may did not even know this question in advance so may was taking notes with a list of hot men i've been writing while you guys were talking. Not that I wasn't listening. George Harrison, Elliot Smith, Joshua Jackson. And then I had a dream where I was married to Eminem, Marshall Mathers.

In my waking life, not attracted to him at all. But this dream was so detailed and I felt like I understood him so much. He was so misunderstood. And I remember just waking up and being like, I'm in love with Marshall Mathers. Wow. Yeah, that's sort of my- Your list is all over the place.

Do you think? I think they're all- I think they're pretty different. Right? I only recognized one person on the list. Nick Offerman. Well, no, I know who Eminem is. Some of these people, let me see.

Like Paul Mescal in about 15 years will be. How can we work it out to where we do another field trip, a handsome field trip, and we go on a triple date with our, because I know I could get Billy. I feel like we could get Channing eventually. Okay, we'll get Channing. We can get Nick Offerman. We can get Billy. Let's do it. We have to go on a triple date. We film it. We upload for the people.

I am so up for that. Wow. And it's just all of us giggling the whole time. Yes. Us three giggling. And we have to wear dresses. No. Don't make me wear a dress.

I'm going as a little twink gay boy. That's going to be my vibe. Okay, well, I'm wearing a gown for twink gay boy. That's going to be my vibe. Okay. Well, I'm wearing a gown for Billy. Okay. Yeah. I will say I've never seen the three of us be so giggly.

I know we're all like grinning. And in my fantasy of the triple day, big old gay podcast. And we're like, can we go on a Ferris wheel with them? Ferris Bueller's wheel hello hello well i think this question got everybody going because natalie was the one that came up with this question and she was super stoked about it now she is single and ready to mingle natalie's latest album with the

chicks gaslighter talks about love and the complications of it and it coming to an end. Now she's entering that phase of like, what's next? So I think she was pretty stoked to answer. I have one Natalie Maine story. Yeah, give it to us. When I first moved to Los Angeles, I would say in my first year of living there, maybe 27 years ago. And I had a show. And I know at the time the chicks were called the Dixie Chicks.

And I was like, oh, my gosh, the Dixie Chicks are here. And it was a tiny, tiny intimate room, you know, like the little room at Largo. You know, that's how big that room was. And so I'm staring at all three Dixie Chicks in a room that seats maybe 40 people. And I had only been doing stand-up for like six months or something. And then I wrapped up my set. And this isn't a great story. It's just the one story I have.

And as I was walking out, I walked past them. And they were all very kind and complimented my set. And I was, you know, a brand new stand up comedian. And then I walked out to my car and then they walked out to their car and then they were standing there. And one of them, it might have been Natalie, said, oh, yeah, we're just following you home now. We liked you so much. I can totally see her saying that. And I was like, wow. Wow. I guess they really did like me a lot. I think it was probably the first celebrity. Yeah. I was going to say a gaggle of celebrities

that complimented me, but you know, gaggles of celebrities don't really. There are three of them. Yeah. That is very thrilling. They are pretty. They're awesome. Like the nicest, coolest. Yeah.

And I hadn't really gotten into their music. And I do love country music, but I wasn't really that familiar with them. And then this girl that I was hanging out with at the time got us tickets to Lilith Fair. Of course. Of course. Of of course where else are you gonna go and so we went and my head exploded I could not believe what incredible voices and the the show they put on oh my god it's so off the charts it's so off the charts I was like they've got me now yeah they got me wrapped in their bear hug and they're still

performing I mean they're no i know they just wrapped their two-year north american tour they're about to go to australia and i was watching it because i've been listening to them since i was 18 and i was watching them just i we talked about it in another episode where i got to sing with them i don't want to brag but i'm watching them they're like one of the most talented oh yeah bands like natalie can sing her face off like nobody's business and then the fiddle and the banjo fiddle the banjo like oh my god and like you're like nobody does this yeah and their harmonies i mean they're just so good and they're still killing it real well let's hear what uh let's hear what natalie's

answers were again she had a lot she had a lot. She had a lot. I was like, calm down. Well, since this is a very easy question for me to answer, I decided to do my top five. So here we go. My top five for world peace. A couple of these guys, I'm sure, are married or taken. But their wives are going to understand because it's for world peace. So number five, Paul Rudd, funny and cute.

What's better than that? Number four, Kendrick Sampson, total hottie. Number three, Captain Jason from Below Deck Down Under. Wow. Number two, kind of expected expected but it's brad pitt hacky i mean who can't say brad pitt and then coming in at number one jason siegel okay never met him don't know a thing about him but he seems super funny super cute there you go you guys my top five really i know right wow when i heard um brad pitt and uh paul rudd i was like doing my judgmental thing of like she's gay it's too obvious then we got to the more esoteric that jason seagulls i was

like i'm buying it natalie you think if someone thinks brad pitt's hot they're gay it's a flawed theory it just sort of i know a lot of lesbians want her to be gay um they're big fans but unfortunately she yeah she's not she likes that d she likes that d She likes that D. She likes that D. She likes that D, ladies. Sorry. But we still, we still love them. You see a lot of lesbians at their show just scream singing those songs. That was a really strong list, though.

I liked that. That was a good list. Yeah. Well, maybe she can come on our date, our group date. We have to get one of the non, the non-married ones. Yeah, we gotta go through that list. Yeah. I know. I, I'm scared for for you know i know billy is with naomi watts and so that's the only thing that gives me hope that

i have a chance because i do feel like we have a lot of similarities very similar yeah me and her well you seen mel holland drive no no. Okay, never mind. Is she Australian? Yeah, she's Australian. She's an amazing actor. No. No. No. You gotta see I Heart of Huckabees.

No. No. No. No. No. No. I haven't anyway anyways oh no we're blowing my chance with billy we are off the rails on this this episode and i love it yeah i am gid. I can't wait for our quad date. I can't either. This has been probably one of our more insightful episodes of Handsome. I mean, the straightest sides of all three of us just came flying out.

And we would love to hear from our listeners who they would be attracted to that's maybe not their typical type. Right? Yeah, absolutely. they would be attracted to that's maybe not their typical type right yeah absolutely thank you to natalie manes for your question go go see the chicks on tour if you live in australia and new zealand they'll be out there yeah and natalie let me know if you remember that interaction we had 27 years ago oh certainly she remembers certainly i'm sure she brought it up to you, right? Just like Lance Bass remembers that photo I took with him on the restaurant camera. Well, thank you guys for listening to this week's episode of Handsome.

And follow us on social media so you can see all these pictures and content we're going to be putting up on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, whatever that's called now. Fortune, do you have any things coming up you want to promote? Yeah, I have some live stand-up dates. I'll be at Largo tonight

if any of you handsome folks want to come to a show in Los Angeles. Then I've got Oakland, California on October 21st Evansville Indiana coming up Dayton Ohio Charleston West Virginia then after Thanksgiving we have Grand Rapids and Royal Oak Michigan Kansas City and St. Louis Missouri Louisville and then I just added a bunch of shows in St. Petersburg Jacksonville West Palm Beach Florida Florida, and Chicago. You can go to fortunefeimster.com for tickets. I always plug these Largo shows, but I'm there on the 12th and the 22nd.

And tickets are at the Largo website. Tig, what about you? I am going on my European tour. October 17th, Brighton. October 19th, Manchester. October 23rd, Dublin. October 19th, Manchester. October 23rd, Dublin. October 26th, London.

And then I'm back in the States. October 28th, La Crosse, Wisconsin. Then I am going to be recording my next stand-up special in Brooklyn, November 4th. But most importantly, most importantly, tell your pals.

Yeah. Because maybe the word will get back to Alan Ruck and he'll listen to this episode and be like, God, I got a true fan. If you do like the podcast, which it does seem like people are into it with the growing numbers that we're getting, which I want to thank everyone for that also.

Yeah, me too. It's really incredible to see the show grow so fast. Yeah. But if you want to keep the show going, keep listening. And it's so important to click subscribe and also give us a five star rating if you do believe that we've done a good job and tell a friend. I'll take a four star like that. If you know, we don't want that. We want five, baby. Of that we want five baby of course we want five but i mean four stars for me five for me and fortune this episode alone where we've gotten tig to reveal her male crush yeah that alone deserves a five star that's right

come on and and and even send an episode if you think it's funny send it to a friend that isn't familiar with the show. Yeah. And lure them into the handsome world. Yeah, the handsome world. Let's make a handsome world. Let's build a handsome world. This is a handsome world we live in. Yeah.

Let's make it a bigger, handsomer world. That's right, y'all. So you know what you have to do. Keep it handsome. Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod.